[Multi-chapter] How can I love (13/14)
Title: How can I love
Author: tsuchi8562
Beta: geminib <-- Thank you so very much!
Pairing: SakurAiba (main), Aimiya, JunBa (friendship), Juntoshi
Rating: PG-15
Genre: Romance, Drama
A/N: I know it's not Friday. But it's my birthday and somehow I wanted to posted something so I thought.. That I will give you a present. It's almost over, ne? By the way, timing in this fic can be totally different that it was in reality but as the name says: it's fiction So I hope you will forgive me. Enjoy~!
*MASTERPOST*
Buthan… Only place that could help him forget for a while about everything he did and didn’t do; everything he said and didn’t say… Those few days came like a blessing from the heaven. He will go to a small country somewhere in South Asia and relax, focusing on his job. The view behind the plane’s window was soothing; white clouds, sun and open space. Sense of freedom and peace, everything he wanted right now. Unfortunately the monsters crawled back from the inexistent closet… Aiba remembered what he did last night before the departure and he wasn’t proud of himself. At all…
***
“Listen, Aiba-chan… I am not your puppy that will come every single time you think you want to have a good time with me.” Nino was leaning against the door jamb and sighed. “I came here because I thought I should let you know. I won’t become your lover. Some things happened between us, yes, but that’s it. I wanted to help you, nothing more. If you want to be fucked by someone to forget then call a pro. I’m going home.”
“Nino-chan, stay…I am sorry, I just…” Masaki bit his lips, but surprisingly he wasn’t close to cry as he thought he will.
“Aiba-chan… If you want to be a slut and forget about your feelings like me, fine by me. Just don’t involve me in that. I am your friend and I can listen to you every time, you know that but now you don’t know what you want. Until you will, nobody can help you. See ya.” The younger man left soundlessly, leaving shirtless Masaki on the couch. This should end that moment, he should go to sleep, or at least try it, but he made a mistake and started to drink alone again. After 3 beers he relaxed and reminded Kazunari’s words. If you want to be fucked by someone to forget then call a pro. Maybe it wasn’t a bad idea after all? He is free from this pitiful feeling he had for Sakurai (or at least he thinks so) and he needs somebody’s touch right now so badly… Without thinking twice he found a card with a phone of one of the men he used to “date” ages ago and called him. Aiba remembered well the times they were going out together and smiled. It was fun, platonic and noncommittal in any way. He looked again at the card with a single name Shinji and sighed, listening to the tone in his phone. He didn’t know what he was hoping for more: that the man will answer or not, but after he heard already forgotten voice it was too late to withdraw. The singer asked him to come and waited, trying to convince himself that he is doing the right thing. Twenty minutes later Masaki was already kissing, as it occurred later, a professional male whore. It didn’t stop there either; Aiba let his sadness, confusion and hope to be touched, kissed and sucked away, craving for more.
“Ah, Sho-chan, don’t stop, please. More~!” The air was filled with the tallest member’s pleads and when he reached the top he felt so dirty and pitiful that he wanted to die.
“Who’s that Sho for you?” The other man asked while dressing himself. “Not that it’s my business though; just you called me by this name a few times…”
“Nobody important…” Masaki lied, still lying on the floor, trying to beat the urge to run to the bathroom and scrub himself hard. Strange, he didn’t feel that way after he had sex with Ninomiya, even if that was ten times worse, since Sakurai saw them.
“I think he is important, since you called him in that situation… Do you love him?”
“It shouldn’t concern you…” Aiba sit up and looked at the latter.
“Of course but let me tell you one thing. Love is a whore, just like me… Call me if you want to repeat this… Bye.” The man didn’t take the money that was on the table and left the apartment. As soon as the door shut quietly Aiba stood up and rushed to the bathroom. He felt like his stomach is squeezing so he leaned at the toilet bowl, vomiting all the alcohol he drank, becoming sober and thus feeling even worse. Without looking at his reflection in the mirror, he went under shower and abraded himself for an hour, leaving red smudges on his thighs. It didn’t help him in any way, he still felt awfully filthy and, as expected, he couldn’t fall asleep thinking about his future. Will he be sentenced on using those methods in order to forget? Will it become his habit? Wriggling in bed, he tried to chase the awful images from his mind .Just when the sunlight appeared on the horizon, he managed to get some rest, until he was brutally woken up by alarm clock.
***
Now, he was standing at the Bhutanese airport, getting ready for shooting the “Hontou no Eko wo Kangaeru Chikyuu Ryokou” for NTV. During the first day he was followed by a cameraman almost everywhere, twenty-four hours a day and it was like blessing, because he could focus on the main purpose of this trip - analyzing the reason of why 97 percent of people here claim they’re happy. Ironic - he was on the bottom of sadness, but there he was, looking for a reason of happiness… Every now and then he received a mail from Sakurai. The rapper was apologizing and asking when exactly Masaki will be back, because he has something urgent to tell him. At first, Aiba didn’t reply, but when the content of the messages changed on simple and typical “how are you” and other similar things the younger started to write back, some simple and noncommittal mails; funny as the ones you send to your friend from a trip. For the first time in ages he felt comfortable with a thought that Sho is his friend and this fact made him so extremely happy, that he finally decided to act normal in front of the older member… act normal in general. And maybe the love he still had inside will slowly disappear or change with time? Who knows?
The messages kept coming from time to time, even if he didn’t reply to them, simply because of not having time to do so. Mails weren’t really important, contenting normal “report” from Sakurai’s and Arashi’s every day’s life, as if it was the most commonplace thing in the world. What was a bit surprising and even disturbing a bit is the fact that the newscaster was the only Arashi member that was writing to him… It wouldn’t be strange if it was Riidaa - he was the one who tried to distract Masaki when he was hospitalized using the same method as the rapper now, but this time something wasn’t ordinary. Aiba tried to text Ohno, but he received one meaningless reply, after couple of hours. Meanwhile Sho kept contacting him, no matter if the response came or not… The next one came when the tallest band member was sitting outside, relaxing after warm bath in wooden tub, listening to the silence that was surrounding him.
Nee, Masaki… Do you believe that people can change completely because of love?
Aiba held his breath and read the text once more. What the hell was that, out of sudden!? He decided to ignore that and turned his phone off for the night. Tomorrow he is going back to Japan and he wanted to cherish the last hours he can spent here, alone with his thoughts and pain… Pain? Why did he feel it again, when he decided to let it go and move forward, even if he was still in love with Sakurai. It was still too soon; he decided to do it just a few moments ago… One step at a time… He didn’t notice when he fell asleep outside, until the staff member woke him up and dragged him inside to let him rest in bed before the flight back. He was away for four days, but it seemed like ages when he finally stepped out of the plane and touched the Japanese ground again. Covering his face with sunglasses and a cap, he was walking to the car slowly looking down, as if he didn’t want to reach it. Spacing out, not thinking about anything he didn’t notice that somebody is walking next to him, real close, until he heard a familiar voice just next to his ear.
“Okaerinasai…” Masaki jumped and stopped, looking at the source of the sound, thanking himself that he put on the sunglasses that covered almost his whole face, because he could swear that his cheeks were red.
“Sho-chan?” He whispered. “W-what are you doing here?” Not that he didn’t expect, or maybe hoped, that the rapper will appear at the airport to greet him, but he probably stopped to trust his beliefs.
“I came to welcome you. To be honest I was worried, because you didn’t reply to my mail, I thought that something happened to you in those mountains. How was your trip?”
“It was okay…” Aiba mumbled and rushed to his car, biting his lips and hoping that Sakurai won’t repeat his question. “You didn’t have to come here…”
“But I wanted. You didn’t let me finish my last conversation and then you left, so I didn’t have a chance to tell you everything… And it’s important…”
“Sho-chan, if it’s about your new girlfriend I really am the last person you should ask for advice… I just…”
“Shut up and let me finish!” Sho sounded mad and irritated, what made the younger man feel the same. The rapper raised his voice for the first time and his band mate didn’t like that at all.
“If you intend to act like this, then I am going home… I can’t stand when somebody yells at me without a reason!” The taller man took a deep breath and passed Sakurai by, heading towards the entrance to the parking. The latter grabbed his wrist and pulled him in less crowded place, ignoring his protests. When he found a perfect spot - a small niche between the elevators and the door to the staircase he pressed Aiba to the wall and placed clumsy, hurried kiss on his soft lips.
“The reason why you have to listen to me is the fact that the person I fell for is you, you silly! I love you Masaki…” Sakurai whispered, looking straight at the taller one’s face, smiling gently and kissing him again, this time slowly and more properly. The world was supposed to spin around and the ground should shake, but nothing happened. Aiba closed his eyes and clenching his hands on Sho’s jacket he returned the kiss - the one he was dreaming about for so long.