Culture Shock, Chapter 2: Quarantine (or Refrigerator Logic)
Chapter 2: Quarantine
Not too long after that, the military arrived, and things proceeded far more like a first contact should. Since there was no real language barrier, though, the transition went far more smoothly than anyone had expected. The initial Colonial landing party continued to communicate with Earth military and government officials after being placed in quarantine, and after a few days of tense negotiations-which became more tense but also more receptive on the side of the Earthlings once Admiral Adama described the Galactica’s capabilities and D’Anna mentioned that there was a slight possibility they were being followed by Cavil and his posse of robots who weren’t nearly as fond of humans as she was-the Canadian government allowed most of the rest of the Fleet to land at a remote military training base in the Northwest Territories. All but the handful of personnel necessary to man the few ships incapable of landing on a planet joined the first contact party in quarantine at the base, in addition to Boomer and Ellen, who showed up in the solar system in a Raptor about a week after the Fleet did. The remaining ships orbited the moon for the time being.
Everyone agreed that life in alien quarantine wasn’t nearly as horrible as Colonial or Earth movies had depicted it, which was also possibly aided by the fact that the Colonials and Cylons had two massive, nuke-toting space warships idly circling the moon. Of course, there was plenty of uncomfortable poking and prodding in medical examinations and endless questionnaires and interviews on Colonial culture, since the scientists weren’t exactly satisfied with the whole Thirteenth Tribe explanation in the Scrolls of Pythia. (The Colonials quickly gleaned that Earth’s version of the Scrolls was audio-visual, was not as highly revered on Earth as it was on the Colonies, and apparently included lots of feathered hairstyles and capes.) But even institutional food was gourmet in comparison to algae, everyone was allowed to take as many showers with as much soap as they liked, and there was even hope that they’d all get to breath fresh air again, once the scientists were satisfied the Colonials hadn’t brought any space viruses with them that would wipe out Earth’s population.
The Earthlings running quarantine also made sure the Colonials received the treatment they needed so they could eventually become contributing members of Earth society. More than a few people were disappointed that Earth’s medical technology was really no more advanced than that on the Colonies, but Earth did have a few different medicines and techniques and far more supplies. The Earth doctors started President Roslin on a different chemotherapy regime straightaway and put Lieutenant Gaeta through an intense physical therapy program, but the doctors concentrated most of their efforts on group counseling.
Once the Colonials had told their harrowing story of genocide and being on the run for years, the doctors had taken it as a given that many of these aliens would need counseling beyond help integrating into their new society. However, they had been surprised at just how much emotional baggage everyone had to dig through. For example, no one had ever counseled live murder victims before, Cylon paternity was particularly tricky (“I am not your babydaddy!” “You frakking liar! He’s yours! He has your eyes!” “Of course he does. You frakked my whole line!” “But you were the only one I loved!” “Well, I was just using you for the sex, so there!”), and Colonials had a strange propensity for manifesting their guilt in imaginary versions of dead lovers and pets. But quarantine lasted for several months, and there wasn’t much else for the detainees to do, so they ended up working through most of their issues and coming to terms with one another as well as could be expected.
The only Colonial not included in the therapy sessions was probably the one who needed it most. The United Nations had assembled a research team to try to unravel how aliens could be human and why they would know about “All Along the Watchtower” but not Bob Dylan or Jimi Hendrix. So while the others in quarantine were scheduled for group and individual counseling, Gaius Baltar was asked to contribute his unique combination of firsthand knowledge of Colonial society and his many areas of scientific expertise to their studies. Of course, Baltar couldn’t turn an offer like that down.
When it actually came time to present the team’s findings, though, Baltar wished he’d spent the past months being brow-beaten by Roslin, Caprica Six, and Lieutenant Hoshi in group instead, because if there was one thing he hated more that being criticized, it was looking stupid.
Baltar cringed inwardly as he stood in front of about two hundred Colonials and Earthlings, mostly government and military officials and press, on the morning of the Colonials’ official release from quarantine. The lead researcher, Dr. Devlin, had announced that she was ready to reveal all the “answers.”
“As you know, my colleagues and I, with the invaluable input and aid of Dr. Baltar,” Dr. Devlin said, nodding to Baltar, who winced but bowed graciously in return, “have determined that you Colonials are most definitely human. Also, we have concluded that, with a few minor variations, such as your faster-than-light travel capabilities, your religion, and your peculiar disdain for toast-”
“Toasters,” Gaius corrected.
“-toasters, right, but as I was saying, excepting a few minor variations, the dominant Colonial culture is almost identical contemporary Anglo-American culture.”
Dr. Devlin stood with her arms folded over her chest and a broad, proud smile on her face. The Colonials were at a loss as to why; they could have told her that much an hour after they stepped off the Raptor.
When it became apparent that Dr. Devlin hadn’t formed any intention of continuing her report, President Roslin, who was seated in the front row beside the Admiral, cut to the chase. “So, even if both our peoples originated on Kobol as we believe and went their separate ways thousands of years ago, why exactly is it that Colonial and some Earth cultures and languages share so many similarities?”
Dr. Devlin looked over her glasses at the assembled Colonials. “Have any of you read Childhood’s End?”
Adama and Roslin both nodded.
“Good. We had a feeling that might be another common text between our cultures. We theorize that these seeming coincidences are the work of nearly the same principle that Clarke propounded to explain humanity’s familiarity with the appearance of the Overlords. What both Colonials and Earthlings thought of as common threads in folklore and culture, a collective unconscious, a racial memory, if you will, is not memory of past events but rather a prescient ‘memory’ of the combined culture Colonials and Earthlings will create in the future, of course allowing for some differences and anomalies caused by random mutations, multiphasic psychic shifting, possibly minor disturbances in the time-space continuum. You know, the usual.”
Adama and Roslin sat with their mouths open. “I don’t think we’re talking about the same book,” Roslin said slowly.
Having worked with Dr. Devlin for several months, Baltar knew this was as clear an explanation as she was going to give, so he took pity on the others. “Just think of it as…psychological duct tape.”
Roslin half-nodded. “Duct tape. Okay. Good enough for me. Bill?”
“Uh-huh,” Adama said, his eyes still a little glazed.
“‘Psychological Duct Tape.’” mused Dr. Devlin. “I like it. It would make a good title. Dr. Baltar, would you be interested in collaborating with me further, co-authoring a paper for the Journal of Highly Plausible Improbabilities? I can probably even swing a stipend for you through my research grant.”
Though Baltar thought it highly plausible that Dr. Devlin’s scientific acumen came as much from comic books as it did from academic studies, the mention of money, the possibility of publication, and the fact that Dr. Devlin even managed to flaunt her hourglass figure under a lab coat were simply too much for Baltar to resist.
“You’ve just found yourself a research partner,” he replied.
Most days were not quite as befuddling as the day that was supposed to clear everything up, though, thank the gods. The reasons why this world was so similar to the one the Colonials had left turned out to not matter all that much on a practical level, and after years on the run in glorified space-faring tin cans, the practicalities of living on a new planet where they could breathe fresh air and eat real food were all that most Colonials cared about.
In the end, with the help of world governments, NGOs, and especially the Gracious Earthlings for the Emigration of Colonials, or the GEECs, a coalition of science fiction fans formed by the group the first Raptor had encountered and that dedicated itself to helping the new aliens acclimate, the Colonials quickly settled into their new lives on Earth. However, these new Earth residents still encountered their fair share of quandaries and complications.
On to Chapter 3: Language (Saul and Ellen)...