[audio || private]neargeniusJuly 12 2010, 14:15:35 UTC
[Being able to think as someone else--so directly, so clearly and specifically--is strange.
It's almost a guilt that makes Near set down the Hitomi for a moment. Just a pause for thought, easily defended, but nonetheless, a slight guilt at the back of his throat. This isn't something to look at or comment on, though it should be. As rivals, striking back, learning weaknesses: that's what's important.
Instead, though, this just feels strange. Invasive, maybe, and too much. Near isn't used to the level of intensity of all of this emotion, but he had picked up his Hitomi anyways, just to see. Nor is he used to the acknowledgment of killing someone so directly. The casual acceptance of the fact is interesting, but it's for a reason that he well understands. It's only different in its execution, quite literally.
But he puts down the Hitomi, and doesn't respond right away--debates not responding at all. Still, curiosity, interest: he picks it back up again. Another moment of silence.]
[In the beginning, Mello never could understand how someone could not only have the balls to sit there and watch, feel, someone else's dream, but have even more balls and actually announce the fact that they were doing just that. Dreams are supposed to be sacred, he told himself. Something to be remembered and either stored or thrown away by the dreamer, and they weren't anyone else's fucking business.
But he gets it now. Maybe it's a need for people to really know themselves through other people. Ask questions and try to understand. Nothing is his own in this place, anyway. He's learned that, too.]
Is what forgiveness?
[Voice low, and his heartrate has subsided vaguely, though not enough to be considered entirely calm. It's still hitting his chest like a shall weight, and Mello finally forces himself onto his elbows, accepts that he's fully awake.]
[audio || private]neargeniusJuly 12 2010, 16:17:57 UTC
What you want.
[They weren't supposed to want such things as "forgiveness". Pointless. A waste of time. It doesn't make sense, to be interested in anything like that, because what they do is beyond such terms. There isn't anyone to forgive them--
Except if you believe in a higher authority.
And Near has never had time for that, or interest, or anything other than a scholarly sort of understanding. The closest thing is L. The letter that they ascribed such meaning and importance to; the letter and the person behind it who they didn't know. Who Near, anyways, didn't know--and didn't necessarily want to know. Or at least: said that he didn't want to know. And here in Mello's dream, there is that same sense of finite and absolute authority
( ... )
[Doesn't everyone want forgiveness? At some base level, even if it's not admitted aloud, everyone must have done something that they regret, wish they could erase. Or be forgiven for. It shouldn't be a foreign concept, he thinks
( ... )
[ reaction -- > video | private ]ls_rueflectionJuly 12 2010, 20:22:16 UTC
[Jagged scarlet contrasts against white, dripping and cutting across the screen's visual and then there's the emotion which, of course, the device forced him to experience-- all of which is irrelevant, considering the more important figure. Voice. He shifts against the cave floor, repeatedly shifting his legs to press replay and shifting back to watch, intently focused on the dark-eyed figment. Over an hour passes of this, sound crawling over the stone and echoing in the cavern, his temporary cell
( ... )
[It wasn't safety, alone, that provoked Mello to keep his sleeping area out of view from Beyond's. Maybe he murmurs in his sleep. Speaks, even, though he highly doubts it
( ... )
[ audio | private ]ls_rueflectionJuly 12 2010, 21:05:43 UTC
[It is with great effort that Beyond manages to avoid snorting and commenting on the very unsatisfactory response, but he controls it. He switches to audio, knowing that any sweep of a scowl or disgust may ruin his chances as well. Mihael may chock it up to whatever he wishes. He considers, hard, how to go about this. This is a brief pause, the sound of his voice growing louder as he shifts his head back towards the mouthpiece.]
Mihael didn't need to force it. [It's almost accusing, though it was supposed to be something of a plea. Likely not soft enough.] He came to you before you came to him. He talked to you.
Why can't I talk to him?
[He shifts, expecting a negative response, mentions of murder and the usual cliche shit. When it sends, he spits to the side, irritated by the thought.
[ audio | private ]searedsuccessorJuly 12 2010, 21:16:07 UTC
[There were never really any details as to what went on with the first generation. Only that A got overwhelmed, took his own life as a result, and B went and defied L; perhaps the biggest dumbshit move he could have pulled.]
No. I didn't need to force it. [A half-truth. He's not going to divulge how he pestered Roger, pulled fits, did everything in his power to get L to visit. And how it never worked. He understands the frustration, in that respect.] You don't know shit about L, you just want to see him suffer for a bunch of choices you made. He didn't make you a murderer. You did whatever the fuck you wanted.
[Much like Mello, maybe. He swallows, shifts against the wall.]
And you had a chance to talk to him. You fucked it up. Blame yourself.
[Because if his actions were absolute, Mello wouldn't have a second thought about anything he does. It would be cut and dry, with no regrets, nothing to mourn.
He wishes it were that simple, sometimes. But if he's going to openly judge someone else for their actions, he has every right to be judged, himself. It only makes sense.
And he's not keen on these random heart-to-hearts. He never had them home, even when shit was at its worst. It's like having a huge, multi-layered conscience, made up of a hundred different people, watching and analyzing his every thought.]
Usually too busy to stop and worry about shit, honestly. [And that's mostly the truth.]
[And he's right. There's nothing else to occupy Mello's mind while he sleeps. Which is why he knows that he's going to have to endure shit like this. His dreams were never as vivid back home, though admittedly, the last month or so was spent in a drug-induced haze. Confusion, the faint sound of someone's voice speaking to him every now and then as he slipped in and out of consciousness.
He's kind of glad he doesn't remember his dreams from then.]
Wish you could turn these things off. [And he's staring at the Hitomi as he speaks, finger running over the side idly.]
[ L finds this dream troubling. Never had it been his intention to be deified. Emotionally, and certainly not symbolically. Even after that speech he made to the potential successors, after declaring himself a monster.
It troubles him because Mello's worship is mere degrees away from Beyond's obsession. Because, L never expected to get this close to the boy, man, never wanted to.
But he cannot undo them, these feelings.
They must be crushed, these impressions of L's infallibility. Killed before it overcomes the strength that is Mello. ]
Mello.
You have only done that which is necessary. To be honest, I've done things far worse in my pursuit of justice. Do not make the mistake of looking to me as a role model. I am L.
You are Mello. Being Mello must be as difficult as being me, but only you have the capacity to be you. Do justice to your name, as you will justice to prevail.
It's going to take more than that, Mello thinks. Because to idolize someone his entire life, then... no.
L's under a lot of stress here. He knows this. And it's also clear that Mello showing up the way he did, aged beyond what L knew him as, all leather and scars must have put his mentor off somewhat.
And he highly, highly doubts that L has done worse. The justice speech is generic, something to deter him from feeling anything but determination.]
You're the only thing I've ever known. [And his face is the perfect mask of seriousness as he speaks, though his words are soft.] My entire life, I was tailored to be you. We all were.
[A breath, and he's staring into the screen. It's still weird to speak to L, to see him; living and breathing.] Don't worry about the dream, though. Things get jumbled. Doesn't mean anything.
You were tailored to be me? If that is the truth, I regret having chosen you, and not because you aren't intelligent enough. I suppose I should rephrase what I'm trying to say.
No one should have been tailored to be me. The purpose of training successors was to teach the next generation of intelligent youths with the capacity to succeed me to think like me.
Think like me, close cases like me.
Or, if you prefer, do something else entirely with your career. Heed my words. You are not me. Even if you attain the status of L, you will remain the individual known as Mello.
[A pause. A breath. It's true that Near operates under the codename L, but Mello knows that's not what L means right now.
Brows furrow as he keeps his gaze fixed on the screen.
L's afraid of a B repeat.
And he thinks that Mello's just crazy enough to make it happen.]
I think you're misunderstanding. [And oh, it does feel wrong to correct his mentor. Like he should just nod and agree, and tell him that yes, he understands.] Or knowing B's around has you on edge. I'm not tryin' to crawl into your skin. I respect you. Your opinion matters a lot to me. That's all.
[And he feels dumb for explaining it so simply, but if it abates whatever fear L is having right now, then it is what it is.]
[ This is the kind of guilt Deidara can't understand. He lives in a world that is framed with necessary evil down to the rotten corpses of himself and his partners, family, friends. Being a shinobi is to learn to how to kill, and do it well
( ... )
[And oh, that's a lie. But it's better for Mello to believe it, because what Deidara says is true. Who the hell could forgive him? Not himself, not God, and L- well. L can't forgive him for things he knows nothing about. Will never know about, if Mello has his way
( ... )
Comments 65
It's almost a guilt that makes Near set down the Hitomi for a moment. Just a pause for thought, easily defended, but nonetheless, a slight guilt at the back of his throat. This isn't something to look at or comment on, though it should be. As rivals, striking back, learning weaknesses: that's what's important.
Instead, though, this just feels strange. Invasive, maybe, and too much. Near isn't used to the level of intensity of all of this emotion, but he had picked up his Hitomi anyways, just to see. Nor is he used to the acknowledgment of killing someone so directly. The casual acceptance of the fact is interesting, but it's for a reason that he well understands. It's only different in its execution, quite literally.
But he puts down the Hitomi, and doesn't respond right away--debates not responding at all. Still, curiosity, interest: he picks it back up again. Another moment of silence.]
Is it forgiveness?
Reply
But he gets it now. Maybe it's a need for people to really know themselves through other people. Ask questions and try to understand. Nothing is his own in this place, anyway. He's learned that, too.]
Is what forgiveness?
[Voice low, and his heartrate has subsided vaguely, though not enough to be considered entirely calm. It's still hitting his chest like a shall weight, and Mello finally forces himself onto his elbows, accepts that he's fully awake.]
Reply
[They weren't supposed to want such things as "forgiveness". Pointless. A waste of time. It doesn't make sense, to be interested in anything like that, because what they do is beyond such terms. There isn't anyone to forgive them--
Except if you believe in a higher authority.
And Near has never had time for that, or interest, or anything other than a scholarly sort of understanding. The closest thing is L. The letter that they ascribed such meaning and importance to; the letter and the person behind it who they didn't know. Who Near, anyways, didn't know--and didn't necessarily want to know. Or at least: said that he didn't want to know. And here in Mello's dream, there is that same sense of finite and absolute authority ( ... )
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Mihael didn't need to force it. [It's almost accusing, though it was supposed to be something of a plea. Likely not soft enough.] He came to you before you came to him. He talked to you.
Why can't I talk to him?
[He shifts, expecting a negative response, mentions of murder and the usual cliche shit. When it sends, he spits to the side, irritated by the thought.
Reply
No. I didn't need to force it. [A half-truth. He's not going to divulge how he pestered Roger, pulled fits, did everything in his power to get L to visit. And how it never worked. He understands the frustration, in that respect.] You don't know shit about L, you just want to see him suffer for a bunch of choices you made. He didn't make you a murderer. You did whatever the fuck you wanted.
[Much like Mello, maybe. He swallows, shifts against the wall.]
And you had a chance to talk to him. You fucked it up. Blame yourself.
Reply
Reply
[Because if his actions were absolute, Mello wouldn't have a second thought about anything he does. It would be cut and dry, with no regrets, nothing to mourn.
He wishes it were that simple, sometimes. But if he's going to openly judge someone else for their actions, he has every right to be judged, himself. It only makes sense.
And he's not keen on these random heart-to-hearts. He never had them home, even when shit was at its worst. It's like having a huge, multi-layered conscience, made up of a hundred different people, watching and analyzing his every thought.]
Usually too busy to stop and worry about shit, honestly. [And that's mostly the truth.]
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...Well, I guess they can. But ya don't seem the sort that gives a shit about that sorta thing.
[A shrug, not that it's visible]
Ain't busy when yer sleepin'.
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No, I'm not the type.
[And he's right. There's nothing else to occupy Mello's mind while he sleeps. Which is why he knows that he's going to have to endure shit like this. His dreams were never as vivid back home, though admittedly, the last month or so was spent in a drug-induced haze. Confusion, the faint sound of someone's voice speaking to him every now and then as he slipped in and out of consciousness.
He's kind of glad he doesn't remember his dreams from then.]
Wish you could turn these things off. [And he's staring at the Hitomi as he speaks, finger running over the side idly.]
Reply
It troubles him because Mello's worship is mere degrees away from Beyond's obsession. Because, L never expected to get this close to the boy, man, never wanted to.
But he cannot undo them, these feelings.
They must be crushed, these impressions of L's infallibility. Killed before it overcomes the strength that is Mello. ]
Mello.
You have only done that which is necessary. To be honest, I've done things far worse in my pursuit of justice. Do not make the mistake of looking to me as a role model. I am L.
You are Mello. Being Mello must be as difficult as being me, but only you have the capacity to be you. Do justice to your name, as you will justice to prevail.
Reply
It's going to take more than that, Mello thinks. Because to idolize someone his entire life, then... no.
L's under a lot of stress here. He knows this. And it's also clear that Mello showing up the way he did, aged beyond what L knew him as, all leather and scars must have put his mentor off somewhat.
And he highly, highly doubts that L has done worse. The justice speech is generic, something to deter him from feeling anything but determination.]
You're the only thing I've ever known. [And his face is the perfect mask of seriousness as he speaks, though his words are soft.] My entire life, I was tailored to be you. We all were.
[A breath, and he's staring into the screen. It's still weird to speak to L, to see him; living and breathing.] Don't worry about the dream, though. Things get jumbled. Doesn't mean anything.
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No one should have been tailored to be me. The purpose of training successors was to teach the next generation of intelligent youths with the capacity to succeed me to think like me.
Think like me, close cases like me.
Or, if you prefer, do something else entirely with your career. Heed my words. You are not me. Even if you attain the status of L, you will remain the individual known as Mello.
Tell me you understand.
Reply
Brows furrow as he keeps his gaze fixed on the screen.
L's afraid of a B repeat.
And he thinks that Mello's just crazy enough to make it happen.]
I think you're misunderstanding. [And oh, it does feel wrong to correct his mentor. Like he should just nod and agree, and tell him that yes, he understands.] Or knowing B's around has you on edge. I'm not tryin' to crawl into your skin. I respect you. Your opinion matters a lot to me. That's all.
[And he feels dumb for explaining it so simply, but if it abates whatever fear L is having right now, then it is what it is.]
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Don't need forgiveness from anyone.
[And oh, that's a lie. But it's better for Mello to believe it, because what Deidara says is true. Who the hell could forgive him? Not himself, not God, and L- well. L can't forgive him for things he knows nothing about. Will never know about, if Mello has his way ( ... )
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