ficlet; ugly-bawl
exo, platonic!sekai, 822 words, pg-13
because t h i s
which elicited the self-prompt: "fics where kai feels like shit but (pawing on) sehun always cheers him up"
which elicited this;
Sehun makes sure to very stubbornly ignore him. Like, 'do what you need to do, just keep me out of it'. It's wordless, just like most things with Sehun, and particularly because he is ignoring him.
He's tired as fuck, hurting all over, sexually frustrated, you name it, he's not even sure what's what anymore. Most of all it's one of those days when everything, literally everything, is wrong. When nothing he does and nothing he is is good enough. When he heard something or read something that reminded him of all his shortcomings, the ones he usually can push away. When he can't really stand the presence of others (or himself, for that matter), but has no choice. When he just wants to lie down and cry. When he's not even fully sure why he's sad, but is sad nonetheless. And sort of hates himself for it, thus feeling even worse.
Smiling works. Cracking a joke, easing in a comment, answering a question works. But keeping his eyes from watering when Kyungsoo comes up with that tender look in his eyes to ask if something's up - that is fucking impossible. He blinks furiously, tugs his lips into a smile and shrugs. No, why. Then runs off to the bathroom to fetch some tissues and wipe when noone's looking, hating himself even more for being so ridiculously emotional without any fucking reason and not having enough self-control to pull this off, to handle his duties and do what he has to do. Why why why. There is not even anything really up. But yet - he's so fucking transparent. Kyungsoo rubs at his arm and he just wants to swat the hand away; it itches him, it sickens him. It reminds him of how he's not worth it.
He has to bite his lip when going back out; it's immediately coming back, fucking shit, wobbling on his lower lid, threatening to spill over and run down his cheeks. No, no no. He tries to hide behind Sehun without making it look like he's hiding, slings an arm around the younger's shoulder. Sehun's busy growling at the ceiling for some reason, seemingly entirely unaffected by the cameras. Jongin snorts to himself, feeling some kind of grin tug at his lips instead of the other way around.
More than anything in the whole world, he wants to bury his face at Sehun's neck and bawl with all of his heart; his skin looks so smooth and inviting, and it literally hurts in Jongin's stomach. He could just lean in. Just feeling it, soft and warm against his face would help, he's sure of it. He can see the tiny hairs on Sehun's neck, a little mole. His eyes burn again. He would cling to Sehun's back, sob and sob and wipe snot and tears and saliva all over him, not even care if he was disgusted. He would sob, deliberately exaggerated, clench his chest and his whole body, arch his back and fist his hands and scrunch up his face, grind the sobs out. He would sob, wail and cough, loud and violent, until his chest was sore and all of this had come out of him, until he had retched and clawed and forced it all out. Until it was entirely gone.
But can't. Not now. He draws his fingertips over Sehun's nape. Somehow, knowing that he could, technically could lean in and ugly-bawl against Sehun's neck soothes it a little bit. Just a little bit. He pats at Sehun's hair and Sehun sways against him, letting him lean closer to his back. He smells of sehun, that smell that has followed Jongin in dorms and corridors and dance studios over the last couple of years, that smell that he knows by heart - warm and dull, with that little twist he didn’t like at first but then grew accustomed to. He smells familiar and homely and safe.
Jongin’s arm curls around Sehun's neck again and he leans in until his nose almost touches his skin - but no. Not now. He takes a deep breath. He is five years old and dad is picking him up from daycare. He is warm and strong and smells of dad, smells familiar and homely and safe. The fabric of his shirt is smooth under Jongin’s fingers when he hugs him, and suddenly everything is right, everything is the way it should be, nothing can hurt Jongin anymore.
That little grin coaxes at his lips again. He takes another deep breath, soaks up sehun, soaks up every little whiff of safety he can get. He stills above the surface, paddles with strength and gulps down fresh air. In Sehun's shadow, noone can see if his eyes are watering. And that soothes it a little bit, just a little bit.
Or maybe just Sehun did.
He plays with Sehun's hair some more. Sehun stubbornly, gracefully ignores him.
because t h i s
which elicited the self-prompt: "fics where kai feels like shit but (pawing on) sehun always cheers him up"
which elicited this;
Sehun makes sure to very stubbornly ignore him. Like, 'do what you need to do, just keep me out of it'. It's wordless, just like most things with Sehun, and particularly because he is ignoring him.
He's tired as fuck, hurting all over, sexually frustrated, you name it, he's not even sure what's what anymore. Most of all it's one of those days when everything, literally everything, is wrong. When nothing he does and nothing he is is good enough. When he heard something or read something that reminded him of all his shortcomings, the ones he usually can push away. When he can't really stand the presence of others (or himself, for that matter), but has no choice. When he just wants to lie down and cry. When he's not even fully sure why he's sad, but is sad nonetheless. And sort of hates himself for it, thus feeling even worse.
Smiling works. Cracking a joke, easing in a comment, answering a question works. But keeping his eyes from watering when Kyungsoo comes up with that tender look in his eyes to ask if something's up - that is fucking impossible. He blinks furiously, tugs his lips into a smile and shrugs. No, why. Then runs off to the bathroom to fetch some tissues and wipe when noone's looking, hating himself even more for being so ridiculously emotional without any fucking reason and not having enough self-control to pull this off, to handle his duties and do what he has to do. Why why why. There is not even anything really up. But yet - he's so fucking transparent. Kyungsoo rubs at his arm and he just wants to swat the hand away; it itches him, it sickens him. It reminds him of how he's not worth it.
He has to bite his lip when going back out; it's immediately coming back, fucking shit, wobbling on his lower lid, threatening to spill over and run down his cheeks. No, no no. He tries to hide behind Sehun without making it look like he's hiding, slings an arm around the younger's shoulder. Sehun's busy growling at the ceiling for some reason, seemingly entirely unaffected by the cameras. Jongin snorts to himself, feeling some kind of grin tug at his lips instead of the other way around.
More than anything in the whole world, he wants to bury his face at Sehun's neck and bawl with all of his heart; his skin looks so smooth and inviting, and it literally hurts in Jongin's stomach. He could just lean in. Just feeling it, soft and warm against his face would help, he's sure of it. He can see the tiny hairs on Sehun's neck, a little mole. His eyes burn again. He would cling to Sehun's back, sob and sob and wipe snot and tears and saliva all over him, not even care if he was disgusted. He would sob, deliberately exaggerated, clench his chest and his whole body, arch his back and fist his hands and scrunch up his face, grind the sobs out. He would sob, wail and cough, loud and violent, until his chest was sore and all of this had come out of him, until he had retched and clawed and forced it all out. Until it was entirely gone.
But can't. Not now. He draws his fingertips over Sehun's nape. Somehow, knowing that he could, technically could lean in and ugly-bawl against Sehun's neck soothes it a little bit. Just a little bit. He pats at Sehun's hair and Sehun sways against him, letting him lean closer to his back. He smells of sehun, that smell that has followed Jongin in dorms and corridors and dance studios over the last couple of years, that smell that he knows by heart - warm and dull, with that little twist he didn’t like at first but then grew accustomed to. He smells familiar and homely and safe.
Jongin’s arm curls around Sehun's neck again and he leans in until his nose almost touches his skin - but no. Not now. He takes a deep breath. He is five years old and dad is picking him up from daycare. He is warm and strong and smells of dad, smells familiar and homely and safe. The fabric of his shirt is smooth under Jongin’s fingers when he hugs him, and suddenly everything is right, everything is the way it should be, nothing can hurt Jongin anymore.
That little grin coaxes at his lips again. He takes another deep breath, soaks up sehun, soaks up every little whiff of safety he can get. He stills above the surface, paddles with strength and gulps down fresh air. In Sehun's shadow, noone can see if his eyes are watering. And that soothes it a little bit, just a little bit.
Or maybe just Sehun did.
He plays with Sehun's hair some more. Sehun stubbornly, gracefully ignores him.