Evil & Anya
Title: Evil & Anya
Rating: PG-13 for language
Notes: for the ithurtsmybrain pairing challenge, #347: Dr Evil (Austin Powers)/Anya (BtVS)
“Okay, new plan.” Dr. Evil announced, rolling his eyes at his henchmen. Number Two eyed Scott Evil nervously. Scott replied with a look of irritation and boredom that, in its silence, seemed to echo around the hideout.
“Frau Farbissina,” Dr. Evil stated, ignorant to everything going on between the two men, “You have something would like to suggest?”
“Ja, Herr Doktor,” the Frau said tightly, as usual.
“Vhile you vere frozen, I took a particular interest in reading up on ze Dark Arts. I found a particular passage in a particular book that proved interesting. Using ze power contained in this book, I summoned an Evil Power zat may be of some use to you.”
“Frau Farbissina, I enjoy your use of italics.” Dr. Evil chortled, bringing his pinkie up to his lip. “Very evil.”
“Zank you, Herr Doktor.
“ANYANKA!”
“Ummm, Frau,” a perky voice said from the doorway, “I’m actually going by Anya now.”
“Frau Farbissina,” Dr. Evil mumbled after a few minutes of shocked silence, “Since when do italicized evil
powers dress in short plaid skirts and tight T-shirts that have pirates and ninjas on them?”
“Oh, you like it?” The young girl replied, plopping down into a chair at the table, “My former fiancé, Xander, liked it, too. He said it makes me appear more kinky and pop-singerey.”
Dr. Evil’s retort was witty in its silence.
“Yow,” Anya said, standing up and brushing off the back of her clothes, “What happened to this chair?”
“That was Mustafa,” Dr. Evil grumbled, “he was insolent, I had him liquidated.”
“Nice cat. Very cute.”
“Well, not so much liquidated as burned alive.”
“Matches your hair.”
“Well, burned alive and shot.”
“The scar’s a nice touch, too.”
“Twice.”
“Very imposing.”
“Frau, come here a moment.”
Farbissina scooted over next to Dr. Evil.
“Why is she here?”
“I told you,” Farbissina replied, “She is an evil power.”
Dr. Evil paused.
“Riiiight.
“Anya,” Dr. Evil said, turning to the girl, “What is it exactly you do.”
“Oh, I’m a Vengeance Demon.”
“And Vengeance Demons do what?”
“We grant wishes!” Anya said, rolling her eyes, “What, were you cryogenically frozen or something?”
“Wishes?”
“Ja, Herr Doktor,” Farbissina interjected, “Ze literature I read stated zat Vengeance Demons are summoned by those who have been scorned by others. They grant vishes to zese people as vengeance.”
“I used to just do women,” Anya said, “but now I’ve broadened my horizons.
“But not, you know, in a sexy way.”
“A wish, eh?” Dr Evil grinned, pointing his pinkie back to his mouth. “With a wish I can come up with a twisted, confusing, and convoluted way to possibly rid myself of my greatest nemesis, Austin Powers!”
Their heads turned to the noise of a clearing throat, coming from the direction of Number Two.
“If I may suggest, Dr Evil,” he rumbled, “a wish for the ability to predict the stock market, perhaps? Maybe millions of dollars worth of Microsoft stock circa 1980? With that kind of economic leverage, we could have a large influence on the global economy.”
“Perhaps ve could vish for some state-of-the-art veaponry for my ving of the Salvation Army?” Farbissina retorted, “Zat vay ve could destroy ze homeless population of many major American cities.”
“God, you’re such an idiot, dad,” Scott blurted out, “you can wish for anything you want. Wish for supreme power, omnipotence. Dad, you could be the most powerful being in the universe!”
“You just don’t get it, do you, Scott?” Dr Evil replied, “Why would I want to be the most powerful being in the universe, with the ability to control all that I see, when I could just as easily wish for an overly complex and confusing scheme that may or may not just destroy one person?”
“You know,” Anya said, “I think you might want to listen to Oz there, Mr. Evil Guy.”
Scott stared down Anya. “Oz? What, are you calling me a munchkin? Are you saying I’m short? No one calls me short! I have a gun, in my room, and I could…”
“Oh, wait, you’re not Oz?” Anya said, shaking her head, “I didn’t realize that I had been summoned to another dimension.”
“Wait, who’s Oz, then?” Scott said.
“Well, you are, in another reality, where you were raised in California and have a rock band and a really fuzzy blue van and you solved mysteries with a bunch of super-powered types and you’re dating a really cute yet nerdy redhead whose name sounds like a tree. A girl I might or might not want to get sexy with sometime. Well, at least you WERE dating a girl whose name sounds like a tree, a girl who may or may not have some black leather tendencies, which I wouldn’t have minded seeing sometime, but then you had sex with a werewolf and you ran away and she started getting sexy with another girl and now she’s a lesbian.”
“A werewolf?”
“Oh. Yeah, and you’re a werewolf. And you are also a lot quieter and much less irritating than you are right now.”
“I was a werewolf?”
“Correct,” Anya stated simply, “This is definitely another dimension.”
“That…”
“Do you have shrimp in this dimension?”
“Is…”
“Or any kind of food that’s not shrimp?”
“AWESOME!”
“Your girlfriend’s girlfriend is allergic, so I thought maybe she’d like this world if there weren’t any shrimp.”
“SILENCE!” Dr Evil yelled, “Anyanka, here is my wish.
“I wish for a legion of fearsome creatures with which I can use to attack the peoples of the world. When these creatures attack, it will draw out Austin…”
“Oh, my God, you don’t mean bunnies?”
Dr Evil stumbled across what he was saying. “Um, no, worse things than bunnies.”
“Bunnies with lasers? Friggin bunnies with friggin lasers on their heads?”
“Um, no, worse.”
“Are they ill-tempered?”
“What is it with you and bunnies?”
“They frighten me,” Anya stated simply.
“Riiiiight…”
“Is that all?” Anya asked, a glint of fear in her voice of the impending rabbit stampede.
“But I haven’t finished my speech yet,” Dr Evil whined, “the part where, after defeating Austin Powers, I will hold the world hostage for… One Million Dollars!”
Anya burst into laughter. “That’s all? One million dollars? Ppph, Even Rob Schneider makes one million dollars, and he sucks!”
“Fine, fine,” Dr Evil sighed, “I will hold the world hostage for… One Hundred Billion Dollars - Anya, why are you laughing again?”
“That’s all? One hundred billion? That’s barely the gross national product of a small country!”
“Now look here, little lady,” Dr Evil shouted, “I have had it up to about here with your shenanigans. Now I want my evil creatures and I WILL hold the world hostage for one hundred billion dollars, and that’s final!”
“Fine, Mr Crabby Pants,” Anya grumbled, her face contorting into the wrinkled visage of Anyanka the Vengeance Demon, “your wish is what the hell?!?”
“Bad Mini-Me!” Dr Evil yelled, squirting water at the small clone that was currently humping Anya’s leg.
“What the hell is that thing?” Anya screamed, “He’s so strange! He’s small, and ill-formed, and his head is much to big for his body! And that thing that’s hitting my leg is far too large for his body, as well.”
“Oh, would you just zip it?” Dr Evil yelled, slamming down his fingers, “I wish Frau had never found that book!”
Anya looked up, smiled, and punted Mini-Me across the room. “Done.”
She was gone.
The group looked around the secret lair in shock.
“Shit.
“Okay, new plan.”
Rating: PG-13 for language
Notes: for the ithurtsmybrain pairing challenge, #347: Dr Evil (Austin Powers)/Anya (BtVS)
“Okay, new plan.” Dr. Evil announced, rolling his eyes at his henchmen. Number Two eyed Scott Evil nervously. Scott replied with a look of irritation and boredom that, in its silence, seemed to echo around the hideout.
“Frau Farbissina,” Dr. Evil stated, ignorant to everything going on between the two men, “You have something would like to suggest?”
“Ja, Herr Doktor,” the Frau said tightly, as usual.
“Vhile you vere frozen, I took a particular interest in reading up on ze Dark Arts. I found a particular passage in a particular book that proved interesting. Using ze power contained in this book, I summoned an Evil Power zat may be of some use to you.”
“Frau Farbissina, I enjoy your use of italics.” Dr. Evil chortled, bringing his pinkie up to his lip. “Very evil.”
“Zank you, Herr Doktor.
“ANYANKA!”
“Ummm, Frau,” a perky voice said from the doorway, “I’m actually going by Anya now.”
“Frau Farbissina,” Dr. Evil mumbled after a few minutes of shocked silence, “Since when do italicized evil
powers dress in short plaid skirts and tight T-shirts that have pirates and ninjas on them?”
“Oh, you like it?” The young girl replied, plopping down into a chair at the table, “My former fiancé, Xander, liked it, too. He said it makes me appear more kinky and pop-singerey.”
Dr. Evil’s retort was witty in its silence.
“Yow,” Anya said, standing up and brushing off the back of her clothes, “What happened to this chair?”
“That was Mustafa,” Dr. Evil grumbled, “he was insolent, I had him liquidated.”
“Nice cat. Very cute.”
“Well, not so much liquidated as burned alive.”
“Matches your hair.”
“Well, burned alive and shot.”
“The scar’s a nice touch, too.”
“Twice.”
“Very imposing.”
“Frau, come here a moment.”
Farbissina scooted over next to Dr. Evil.
“Why is she here?”
“I told you,” Farbissina replied, “She is an evil power.”
Dr. Evil paused.
“Riiiight.
“Anya,” Dr. Evil said, turning to the girl, “What is it exactly you do.”
“Oh, I’m a Vengeance Demon.”
“And Vengeance Demons do what?”
“We grant wishes!” Anya said, rolling her eyes, “What, were you cryogenically frozen or something?”
“Wishes?”
“Ja, Herr Doktor,” Farbissina interjected, “Ze literature I read stated zat Vengeance Demons are summoned by those who have been scorned by others. They grant vishes to zese people as vengeance.”
“I used to just do women,” Anya said, “but now I’ve broadened my horizons.
“But not, you know, in a sexy way.”
“A wish, eh?” Dr Evil grinned, pointing his pinkie back to his mouth. “With a wish I can come up with a twisted, confusing, and convoluted way to possibly rid myself of my greatest nemesis, Austin Powers!”
Their heads turned to the noise of a clearing throat, coming from the direction of Number Two.
“If I may suggest, Dr Evil,” he rumbled, “a wish for the ability to predict the stock market, perhaps? Maybe millions of dollars worth of Microsoft stock circa 1980? With that kind of economic leverage, we could have a large influence on the global economy.”
“Perhaps ve could vish for some state-of-the-art veaponry for my ving of the Salvation Army?” Farbissina retorted, “Zat vay ve could destroy ze homeless population of many major American cities.”
“God, you’re such an idiot, dad,” Scott blurted out, “you can wish for anything you want. Wish for supreme power, omnipotence. Dad, you could be the most powerful being in the universe!”
“You just don’t get it, do you, Scott?” Dr Evil replied, “Why would I want to be the most powerful being in the universe, with the ability to control all that I see, when I could just as easily wish for an overly complex and confusing scheme that may or may not just destroy one person?”
“You know,” Anya said, “I think you might want to listen to Oz there, Mr. Evil Guy.”
Scott stared down Anya. “Oz? What, are you calling me a munchkin? Are you saying I’m short? No one calls me short! I have a gun, in my room, and I could…”
“Oh, wait, you’re not Oz?” Anya said, shaking her head, “I didn’t realize that I had been summoned to another dimension.”
“Wait, who’s Oz, then?” Scott said.
“Well, you are, in another reality, where you were raised in California and have a rock band and a really fuzzy blue van and you solved mysteries with a bunch of super-powered types and you’re dating a really cute yet nerdy redhead whose name sounds like a tree. A girl I might or might not want to get sexy with sometime. Well, at least you WERE dating a girl whose name sounds like a tree, a girl who may or may not have some black leather tendencies, which I wouldn’t have minded seeing sometime, but then you had sex with a werewolf and you ran away and she started getting sexy with another girl and now she’s a lesbian.”
“A werewolf?”
“Oh. Yeah, and you’re a werewolf. And you are also a lot quieter and much less irritating than you are right now.”
“I was a werewolf?”
“Correct,” Anya stated simply, “This is definitely another dimension.”
“That…”
“Do you have shrimp in this dimension?”
“Is…”
“Or any kind of food that’s not shrimp?”
“AWESOME!”
“Your girlfriend’s girlfriend is allergic, so I thought maybe she’d like this world if there weren’t any shrimp.”
“SILENCE!” Dr Evil yelled, “Anyanka, here is my wish.
“I wish for a legion of fearsome creatures with which I can use to attack the peoples of the world. When these creatures attack, it will draw out Austin…”
“Oh, my God, you don’t mean bunnies?”
Dr Evil stumbled across what he was saying. “Um, no, worse things than bunnies.”
“Bunnies with lasers? Friggin bunnies with friggin lasers on their heads?”
“Um, no, worse.”
“Are they ill-tempered?”
“What is it with you and bunnies?”
“They frighten me,” Anya stated simply.
“Riiiiight…”
“Is that all?” Anya asked, a glint of fear in her voice of the impending rabbit stampede.
“But I haven’t finished my speech yet,” Dr Evil whined, “the part where, after defeating Austin Powers, I will hold the world hostage for… One Million Dollars!”
Anya burst into laughter. “That’s all? One million dollars? Ppph, Even Rob Schneider makes one million dollars, and he sucks!”
“Fine, fine,” Dr Evil sighed, “I will hold the world hostage for… One Hundred Billion Dollars - Anya, why are you laughing again?”
“That’s all? One hundred billion? That’s barely the gross national product of a small country!”
“Now look here, little lady,” Dr Evil shouted, “I have had it up to about here with your shenanigans. Now I want my evil creatures and I WILL hold the world hostage for one hundred billion dollars, and that’s final!”
“Fine, Mr Crabby Pants,” Anya grumbled, her face contorting into the wrinkled visage of Anyanka the Vengeance Demon, “your wish is what the hell?!?”
“Bad Mini-Me!” Dr Evil yelled, squirting water at the small clone that was currently humping Anya’s leg.
“What the hell is that thing?” Anya screamed, “He’s so strange! He’s small, and ill-formed, and his head is much to big for his body! And that thing that’s hitting my leg is far too large for his body, as well.”
“Oh, would you just zip it?” Dr Evil yelled, slamming down his fingers, “I wish Frau had never found that book!”
Anya looked up, smiled, and punted Mini-Me across the room. “Done.”
She was gone.
The group looked around the secret lair in shock.
“Shit.
“Okay, new plan.”