15x20 "Carry On" (3)

[kalliel]

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. I like, genuinely cannot function like a normal person today. I had a standing anime date after I finished watching 15x19 and 20 last night, so I was able to throw myself into another form of media to keep some balance in my life. (Though all the feelings came roaring back the second we stopped watching and I was lying in bed

Comments

[finchandsparrow]

I texted my friend (and D&D Dungeon Master) last Saturday night, to tell her I was crying as I was watching the final episode of Critical Role's first campaign. We had an online D&D session the next day, and she told me, I'm surprised to see you so chipper, I thought you'd be more of a quaking mess. And it actually took me a second to figure out what she was talking about. I was like, Oh yeah. That. "Yeah," I said, "it was a lot." But it only was a lot; I hadn't carried it with me. And maybe it's because there's a new, current campaign featuring a the same players, who are just as much a part of the show as their characters. But still: I'd spent 373 hours with this first campaign. It was hilarious and it was touching and I loved, loved, loved these characters and this story, and the bittersweet wrap-up was a big thing. But the feelings associated with it didn't truly and deeply linger

[kalliel]

YEAH!! Like, there are different ways to react to important endings, and I'm so interested in like, which will get what. I mean, I'm not surprised that SPN has basically incapacitated me, but like you said. There are other things that I love, love, adore, and have had INTENSE feelings about, INTENSE feelings about their finales even (I've been watching a lot of anime, so I'm privy to significantly more finales than I have in my life previously). They're genuine and deeply-felt--but they don't linger

[finchandsparrow]

I've actually for some of today been listening to the newest episode of Critical Role Campaign 2, ahaha, so that's my buffer at the moment. (For a second I had the instinct to watch an older SPN episode but THE VERY THOUGHT. OMG. CANNOT HANDLE.) But I think the D&D session will be good! And if I burst into tears while roleplaying my typically chipper character, well then it's canon, and we'll "yes and" that crap. XD I'm always here for angst, anyway! BRING IT.

"I saw that" OMGGGGG. Omg, what a sad group response. XDDDDDDDD

[kalliel]

I'm into my third Law and Order episode playing in the background and it is 100% keeping my mostly sane but I need to start reading student papers to prepare for their oral exams tomorrow but I'm afraid to turn it off for fear of getting completely overpowered without its buffering salve. XDD

And HAHA YESSS to the "yes and." Spork may have a Day tomorrow, who knows!

[borgmama1of5]

I MEAN RIGHT NOW. IS HE GOING TO BE OKAY RIGHT NOW.

This. My heart hurts for Sam even though I know he will be okay because the image of him at Dean's pyre and sitting in Dean's room with Miracle and...

Someone needs to write a fix-it fic right now!

[kalliel]

It's been nearly all of Saturday and I still haven't stopped panicking on Sam's behalf! Even though I KNOW he's okay and perhaps more to the point, I know he knows. And yettttttttt--!

[amberdreams]

But. But HOW? How could it be fixed... 😭😭😭😭 Sammy....😭😭😭😭😭

[kalliel]

In my mind, Sam ends up taking an "it could always be worse" approach, thinking about the ways that, well, it could have gone worse--or the ways their lives would have inevitably become more complicated as the honeymoon period wore off.

But he has to laugh at himself because lmaooooo he realizes that that what these thought experiments really amount to are another Mystery Spot-type experience, which is sad and hilarious at once because here he is, entirely free, and he's doing the same things for himself as have been done to him in the past. Which is awful, maybe, but also confirms for him that divine or trickster or any other kind of influence or not--he is, has, and will always be exactly who he is. They both were. ♥

[kribban]

Sam's the true hero of "Carry on" because he, well, carries on. There's sheer heroism in going on after you've lost a loved one. As 2020 has showed us. So don't worry about Sam, he's stronger than most of us.

[kalliel]

So well put. <3333333333

[metallidean_grl]

Butting in here......

Beautifully said. Sam is the hero. Dean has always said and known that Sam is the stronger one of the two, which is why he was okay with going out first. After a loss like this, Sam being able to carry on and still love and live is beautiful. Although we do see he still carries the scars and pain of his loss of Dean in that one scene, it just breaks your heart. We are all stronger than we think we are, and that goes for Sammy, too.

[zara_zee]

Right from S1E1 we were told that Sam craved normal. And there is nothing more normal than waking up the day after someone you love with all your heart and soul has died and realizing that the world is still turning. That the healthy thing to do is to get up and carry on. Grief is love coupled with loss...the greater the love, the greater the grief. So of course, Sam's grief for Dean is monumental. But that doesn't mean that he is incapable of happiness going forward. He knows that Dean wants him to be happy, so he feels no guilt at being happy, when those happy moments come. And love is such a strong emotion. He has all his memories of Dean and he thinks of Dean often, his heart just bursting with all that overwhelming love. And he carries on. <3

[kalliel]

Well stated, well stated! <333333 Just beautiful, aaaaaaah

[amberdreams]

Ahhhh... 💔❤️💔❤️

shared pain is halved...

[anonymous]

You don't know me, but I've been searching for someone who can understand this crazy grief I feel (certainly not the folks around me!). So I'm going to vent to someone I think can understand - thanks in advance!

Watched the finale yesterday (day after it aired), I've been totally destroyed ever since. In no way did I think that would happen to me. Yeah, thought I'd be a little sad, sniff a bit, but then let it go. Now I realize how much that friggin' show meant to me, along with all the great fanfic I've enjoyed around the show. I can't believe how much this hurts! Maybe it's an insult added to the injury, like the one too many straws for that camel, adding to what has been the worst year ever. Somehow Sam and Dean and supernatural helped me through. I didn't even realize how much. It was time, I admit, for the show to end. But something dear has been lost.

Thank you, Kalliel, for your wonderful fic. And thanks again for letting me share my grief.

Re: shared pain is halved...

[kalliel]

You are ALWAYS welcome here to deluge SPN feelings, anon!

It's amazing the blinding intensity that attends the end of this thing we all love. I knew it was gonna be a Big Deal to me but I didn't know I was going to cry that much or that hard, because like I mentioned in one of my 9999 posts, I'm not a big SPN crier, even though I have many big SPN emotions. My tear ducts obviously did not care about past precedent with regard to this finale. I'm glad they were able to see us through at least this far into 2020--it feels fitting, really, to keep them into November versus May of this year.

<333333!!

RE: shared pain is halved...

[amberdreams]

Welcome to the SPN grief party. (((hugs)))