This peice is quite beautiful. I love how you brought it round from the car engine stopping at the beginning to it restarting at the end. It made it feel almost like you were describing a private moment outside of time - where life only starts moving again after the engine resumes. Favourite part; "the way he called her “smiley” when she’d walk into the room in a bad mood" It was just one of those descriptions that seem to say more about the character described than any photograph could. Loved it.
I want to say that I loved the first line -- it drew me into the story immediately. I was also a fan of the fourth paragraph; it was all described in such a lovely yet straightforward way, which is hard to do without getting cliché, especially when discussing death/accidents/etc. I loved the way we were able to get into Anya's head, and I really felt her sense of loss. And even though Jim isn't physically present in the story, I found myself really attached to his character. I'm sorry that this is based on a real event in your life -- losing someone close to you must be very difficult -- but I think you've written something great from that event. Nice job!
Thank you! I'm really glad you enjoyed it. Definitely a hard one to write, so it's really good to hear that the emotion came across well. =) I'm also really grateful to hear that Jim's presence comes through, so thank you so much for letting me know.
Hi, I'm one of your editors this week (I stole an edit from thorarosebird ;D) Your text is italicized or in double quotation marks; my suggestions are in single quotation marks. (A bit confusing around apostrophes, though; just ask if there's weirdness going on there.)
General comments
*In general, when you add dialogue, you need to separate it from the prose with some kind of punctuation mark: usually this is a comma or a colon (more rarely).
*Careful with semicolons! They separate two independent clauses: that is, if both sides of the semicolon can stand as a full sentence, then you can use a semicolon.
*You use description (of the surroundings) and integrate them into the action or the memories well, and this anchors your story to the present. It's nicely done.
Detailed comments
Everything looked different now, as though nothing had happened. -I think perhaps you meant to say that 'everything looked the same, as though nothing had happened.'
trying to breath slowly.-Typo here: "breath" is the noun, whereas 'breathe' is
( ... )
Re: Editor!kaleekolaiDecember 18 2010, 01:18:50 UTC
Thank you so much for the edits and feedback! I've already fixed up some of the typos. =)
I'm going to have to figure out what to do about that first comment, (Everything looked different now, as though nothing had happened) since I was trying to illustrate that things had changed so much that it looked like the accident had never happened. Something to ponder!
Re: Editor!silverflight8December 18 2010, 01:30:31 UTC
Ohhh that's what you meant! XD. Hm. Maybe something like "it had changed so much that it was impossible to tell something had happened", or some variation might work.
Not a problem - I enjoyed reading your piece lots!
Editor checking in :)missflyerDecember 19 2010, 21:03:18 UTC
Hello kaleekolai, I'm your other editor for this week. I think you did a very good job of expressing the/your emotions here. Your piece reads almost like poetry, with it's flow and pacing, and it really drew me in.
Grammar-wise, it seems solid, just beware your verb tense during and just before the flashback scene for the sake of consistency: She’d wondered = She wondered she had realized The sense of loss had hit
Thank you for sharing this touching piece, and I'm sorry for your loss.
Re: Editor checking in :)kaleekolaiDecember 23 2010, 01:56:40 UTC
Thanks so much! I'm glad it was enjoyable. I'll keep an eye out for those verb tenses. It's one of those things I know I do but haven't quite perfected yet! =)
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Favourite part;
"the way he called her “smiley” when she’d walk into the room in a bad mood"
It was just one of those descriptions that seem to say more about the character described than any photograph could. Loved it.
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I'm really touched by your kind words and happy that you enjoyed it.
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Thank you again. I am speechless with gratitude.
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(The comment has been removed)
Thank you so much for such a wonderful ROAR!!
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Your text is italicized or in double quotation marks; my suggestions are in single quotation marks. (A bit confusing around apostrophes, though; just ask if there's weirdness going on there.)
General comments
*In general, when you add dialogue, you need to separate it from the prose with some kind of punctuation mark: usually this is a comma or a colon (more rarely).
*Careful with semicolons! They separate two independent clauses: that is, if both sides of the semicolon can stand as a full sentence, then you can use a semicolon.
*You use description (of the surroundings) and integrate them into the action or the memories well, and this anchors your story to the present. It's nicely done.
Detailed comments
Everything looked different now, as though nothing had happened.
-I think perhaps you meant to say that
'everything looked the same, as though nothing had happened.'
trying to breath slowly.-Typo here: "breath" is the noun, whereas 'breathe' is ( ... )
Reply
I'm going to have to figure out what to do about that first comment, (Everything looked different now, as though nothing had happened) since I was trying to illustrate that things had changed so much that it looked like the accident had never happened. Something to ponder!
Once again thank you very much!
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Not a problem - I enjoyed reading your piece lots!
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Grammar-wise, it seems solid, just beware your verb tense during and just before the flashback scene for the sake of consistency:
She’d wondered = She wondered
she had realized
The sense of loss had hit
Thank you for sharing this touching piece, and I'm sorry for your loss.
Reply
Reply
Reply
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