(for chenhuns) little ray of sunshine - part 2 of 2
For: chenhuns
Title: little ray of sunshine
Maybe his friends words’ were actually hitting stronger then before, or maybe Kyungsoo’s generous act was making him realize the social difference between them much better, but Jongin suddenly felt the need to confront whatever ‘issue’ there was between him and Kyungsoo. It felt stupid in his head, considering they had been in the same “relationship” for the past four years, but the nagging voice in his head only got louder by the day, fueled by the blunt words from Taemin, Yixing and Luhan and Sehun.
Yet, as the days went on, Jongin found it harder and harder to talk to the other. Ironically, he also began to realize exactly how much he saw of the other, from driving Miyoung to daycare, meeting up for lunches, to picking up Jongin from work. They had almost every dinner together, and on the weekend after he went over to Taemin’s, the trio went to an amusement park, where - Jongin couldn’t help but notice - Kyungsoo bought Miyoung a giant stuffed animal from. It never occurred to him how much their lives intertwined, and it only seemed to further prove Jongin’s point.
However, it wasn’t until after his latest showcase, while he still had the buzzed feeling from dancing on stage and being in his element, that Jongin decided to brave the awkward conversation he was going to have with Kyungsoo.
“Thanks for coming out to my show again.”
Kyungsoo was right; he mentally cursed himself after saying that. He really did thank Kyungsoo a lot. The elder had always deserved the gratitude, but if Jongin looked back, it only showed how different the two were from each other. Kyungsoo never had to thank Jongin for anything, since it was Kyungsoo who always did the action that deserved the acknowledgement.
Jongin’s heart sunk lower.
“Hey, me and Mimi would never miss one of them,” Kyungsoo replied, his lips drawing up into a wide smile. “She was all excited too, since this was the first one where you got a solo part, though I think you scared her with all the changes in your expressions…” Jongin laughed nervously, hitching the sleeping Miyoung higher in his arms. She had started crying after Jongin’s dramatic ending, and Jongin wasn’t surprised that she was worn out, the girl was scared Jongin had actually been “killed” and refused to leave his arms afterwards.
“I enjoyed it though, it’s really nice to see you so devoted to your dancing. You were really amazing up there.” Kyungsoo blushed; looking downwards, and Jongin could feel a small grin tugging at his lips. Getting a compliment from the usually sarcastic Kyungsoo was rare, yet the elder had a way of making the receiver feel exceptionally happy with his words, and Jongin was no different. It almost made Jongin want to forget about what he really wanted to say to the elder, and instead spend the night chatting over how the performance went.
But the little voices continued to taunt his brain, sending a wave of pain to his heart. He took a deep breath.
“Hey Kyungsoo?” The elder hummed his acknowledgement. “I really… really can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done over the years-“
“Another penny for my metaphorical jar~” Kyungsoo chuckled, but his face turned serious upon noticing Jongin wasn’t smiling in return. “Is this still about the daycare thing? Because honestly, if it makes you feel that bad, you can pay for half of it so-“
“It's not just that.” Jongin cut in. He took in a deep breath. “The guys at work were just… talking about how much you’ve helped me over the years, and it got me thinking-“
“Really? Sehun and Luhan made you think? Call the presses, it’s a miracle.” Kyungsoo cut in. Jongin blinked.
“Well, something in what they said really hit hard with me.” He bit his lip. “You’ve been a tremendous help to Miyoung and I over the years, and there’s no way in both our lifetimes combined that we can ever repay you… but… why? Why have you always been there? I know I told you never to leave me, but it would really make me feel guilty if you actually stayed ‘cause of that one night.”
“Jongin, I… I- what?” Kyungsoo looked desperately confused, his eyes wide up at the other. Jongin looked away.
“Was it out of pity? Did you just feel bad for me, the poor nineteen year old who just lost his brother, and suddenly had to take in a reminder of the only person he really cared for in life? Did watching me struggle hit something in your heart, and just…” he didn’t want to continue on. Glancing up at Kyungsoo, the elder seemed to understand. A flurry of emotions passed his face.
“Did you really think it was all that?” Kyungsoo’s voice cracked. “Jongin, I’m sorry if I made you feel that way, but no… no I didn’t stay around just because I p-pitied you guys. I really love being there for you, and y-you both mean so much t-to me I just-“
“Kyungsoo, you’re almost twenty-four, and yet you’re with me and Mimi more then going out and enjoying your bachelor years.” Jongin was rambling on now, the words tumbling out faster then he could keep up. “I mean, Miyoungie’s my life now, and I would never wish for anything else, but I’m kinda stuck with her. I can’t go out on weekends and meet other people. Blind dates are out, since no one wants a guy with an attachment to him. I mean, even my schedule revolves around Mimi and making sure she’s okay, rather then myself. She’s my responsibility, and I have to suffer whatever consequences come with it. But you don't.”
“But I want too!” Kyungsoo cut in, coming to a halt in front of Jongin. They were at their building now, but neither made a move to enter. “Jongin, I don’t think you understand-“
“I think… I think you should cut back on how much you’re involved with our lives,” his voice was surprisingly strong despite how inside he felt himself turning to mush. “Y-you obviously can afford to move to a nicer complex, and go out and meet other people, a-and I think you should go do that. Live your life, you know? Enjoy your 20s while you can.”
Kyungsoo stayed silent, his eyes glistening. Jongin felt his own body trembling.
“Kyungsoo, I wouldn’t- not- let you see Miyoung again if you moved away,” he tries desperately. “I mean- I’m really thankful for all that you've done for the two of us, but truthfully I’ve gotten so much better at this and I think I can really handle her by myself- I don’t want us to be the reason you aren’t like… moving on. Achieving bigger things. Actually having a life outside of us two. Enjoying your single life, you know-“
“I am enjoying my life-"
“Please Kyungsoo, I don’t want to be holding you back from… well being like other guys your age and in your position-“
“I like you!” Everything stopped.
Jongin stared down at the other, eyes wide. Kyungsoo himself seemed surprised at the words that had just come out of his mouth, but he pursed his lips, glaring back at Jongin determinedly.
“I admit, at first it was out of pity. You were in hysterics that first day, but who could blame you? I felt so bad, considering you just suffered a great lost and now was hitting another setback. Truthfully I was only planning to help you get back on your feet, help you learn the basics of caring for a child, and that was all.”
“But then I saw how determined you were to make it work, how committed you were to raising Miyoung up as your own. Maybe it as a mixture of your young age coupled with the need to fill the void after Jonghyun’s death, but… in such a short amount of time I saw a great visible change in you. You’ve always been more mature then others your age, but it seemed like a new and more adult Jongin then before. Sure, that first night, and for a couple nights afterwards, it seemed like you weren’t ready for the huge duty that was given to you, but then, all of a sudden, you just picked yourself up, accepted the situation, and faced it with one of the most responsible attitudes I’ve ever seen, It was shaky at first, but you were more then willing to learn along the way, learn how to raise Mimi. And… I-I just… I really respected that. I admired you so much for you strength and bravery.
“And that’s why I stayed, not out of pity or obligation. It’s almost selfish of me, but seeing you work hard to get by each day and make the most of everything life handed to you… it just… it just fueled my own feelings towards you, to develop far past just respect and admiration to something that… something like love.” He took a deep breath, eyes blinking away tears. No sounds came from Jongin, as he stood on the stairwell in dead silence, taking it all in.
“I never cared about how much I helped you guys, or felt like I was paying so much, because if we’re being honest, the love and happiness you and Miyoung have brought to my life these four years far surpasses everything I could ever contribute to yours.” He paused. “I’ve always loved Miyoung ever since she first smiled up at me that night. You, I fell for you these past few years, and it only continues to grow every day I see you… a… and…” he faltered, suddenly looking unsure of himself. Jongin felt his insides turn, seeing how scared Kyungsoo was. It didn’t help with how confused Jongin was himself, his head spinning with all this new information that was suddenly thrown at him.
“Maybe a p-part of me h-had thought you… you liked me back,” Kyungsoo said quietly, looking down at his hands. “I-I thought… you wanted me in you and Miyoung’s life as much as I wanted to be there. Every time you smiled at me, or laughed at something I said, or even just watching you be so sweet to both me and Miyoung… it made my heart flutter, and well… it almost felt like we were actually a couple raising a daughter together. It made me happy, like I actually had a family, that there were two people I could count on to be there for me, always.”
“But you know what?” He could hear Kyungsoo trembling, looking anywhere but at Jongin and Miyoung. “I-If I was making you that uncomfortable, t-then maybe you’re right. I’m sorry I-I imposed myself into your lives so much. I should have known it was all a misunderstanding on my part, since these types of stories only happen in fairy tales, right?” He let out a bitter laugh. “And in the end, my delusions only caused more trouble.” He sighed, eyes down casted.
“I’ll stay out of your lives, I promise. I’m really sorry for everything, I n-never meant to make you unco- I only just wanted t-too- I t-thought-.” Kyungsoo froze. “I’m sorry.” He ended with a weak smile, before turning towards the door and disappearing into the building, leaving Jongin shell shocked outside.
He never could have imagined that his friends’ words were actually true, that Kyungsoo could actually like him back. Maybe it was Jongin who lived in illusion that their story could never be the stereotypical rich falls for poor type. That itself seemed like a fairy tale and before, Jongin never believed that it could happen in real life.
And yet… he stares at the silent door, Kyungsoo long gone from his view. It almost felt like he was given a rare opportunity to live out the perfect ending to his own fantasy, only to have just let it slip straight through his fingers.
“Jonginnie?” Miyoung was rubbing her eyes awake, peering at Jongin concernedly. She brought her hand up to his face, wiping his cheek, which Jongin didn’t realize was tear stained until that moment. “Jongin, are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he stuttered out, managing a feeble smile to the girl. She didn’t look convinced, and if Jongin was being truthful with himself, he really wasn’t either.
It’s been two weeks since Kyungsoo confronted him, and Jongin’s hardly seen the other since. Without Kyungsoo around, it only became painfully clear how both men had set their schedules to match up with one another, now that they weren’t exactly on speaking terms, he never saw the other anymore. The only interaction he has is in the mornings, where they awkwardly avoid each other, with Kyungsoo practically flying to the elevator whenever he sees Jongin exiting his apartment.
It only made Jongin miss the elder even more, and want to make it all right. But what would he even say? How could he approach Kyungsoo at all, if he himself wasn’t sure how he wanted their situation to end? Even if he did apologize, where would they go from there?
“Jongin?” He blinked, looking down at where he was helping Miyoung into her pajamas.
“Seriously, will you ever call me Uncle Jongin?” Jongin chuckled, but retracted as soon as he saw Miyoung’s face. He tensed up, bending down to face her. “What’s up?”
“Why do I live with you?” Jongin glanced at her, surprised as he slips her into the other sleeve of her shirt.
“Umm… because you love me?” he tried weakly. Miyoung pursed her lips. “I mean, you’ve always lived with me, so why are you asking now?”
“A boy in school says you’re not my real dad, since I have to call you Uncle Jongin.” She states in a matter-of-fact tone. Jongin inhales deeply. He suddenly knows where this conversation is going, and can feel his stomach churning. “He said that my real parents left me, that they didn’t want me, and that you took me in because you felt bad for me. He says that you will leave me too.” She blinks, her eyes wide with fear. “You’re not going to leave me, are you? You’re not going to give me up too, right?”
Jongin’s insides curled. Miyoung was told the gist of what happened to Jonghyun and Sunyoung before, but Jongin knew that this conversation was coming. He had just never known how he was going to approach it, and now that he was hearing these words from Miyoung’s mouth, it only appeared to be even worse. How could he answer such bitter and sorrowful words that were coming from a four year old?
His mouth stayed in a gaping stance, with nothing coming out of it. Miyoung let out a sigh, and Jongin’s heart breaks at how old she sounds. “It’s okay if you don’t want me, but can you tell me when I have to leave, so I can pray my next uncle will be as nice as you are?” She climbed into her bed, and pulled her sheets up.
“M-mi-“
“I love you Uncle Jongin.” She cuts in, smiling timidly which only renders Jongin speechless again. He just sits there, watching as Miyoung closes her eyes and falls asleep. At least, he thinks so. Was Miyoung only pretending, hoping for Jongin to leave and prove her point right? How many nights had she laid in bed, wondering if it would be her last night with Jongin?
(What made all this worse was Jongin knew the feeling of lying in bed, scared of what could possibly await him in the morning. Without Jonghyun’s constant presence that gave Jongin a slight ounce of comfort after his brother left home, the dark lonely nights became hundreds of times more haunting, a feeling he never enjoyed.)
It makes him want to hurl, and the next thing he knows, he’s over the toilet bowl, emptying their dinner into it. He slumps against the bathroom wall, dazed. Now he knows why the social worker had warned him about keeping it a secret from Miyoung. Children are more aware then you think. He could only fearfully imagine what was going on in Miyoung’s head right now, what had been plaguing her thoughts all this time. The thought itself was enough to make him go another round in the toilet.
What was worst though, was how he had reacted. By saying nothing, that could give the little girl the wrong impression. Jongin wanted to go back to her room, but what would he say? Despite knowning this day was coming, and even preparing himself to answer back, the words that had come out of her mouth were more jarring then he expected, and it hit him hard like a clay brick. At that moment, everything he had thought up just went flying out of his mind.
So instead, his feet carried him another way. It seemed as if they moved on their own, half running, half stumbling across the wood floor and out his front door, straight for the one next door. He knocks.
It’s almost like déjà vu, bringing him back to four years ago, as Kyungsoo opens the door, clad in his pajamas. The elder’s looks wary at first, yet, that turns into concern upon seeing the distress on Jongin’s face.
“What’s wrong?” Even his voice sounds the same as back then, the same warm and velvety sound that immediately acts like a soother to Jongin’s chaotic mind. However, Miyoungs’ come rushing back, bringing another wave of pain to his head.
“M-Miyoung, s-she-“ Sensing his upset, Kyungsoo quickly ushered Jongin in. He sat the other down on his couch, before disappearing into the kitchen.
“She asked me why she has to live with me, why she lives with her uncle instead of her parents.” Jongin continued in a trance, his eyes staring downwards. He could hear Kyungsoo freeze in the kitchen. “S-she thinks t-that they d-didn't want her, and she…” he gulped, Kyungsoo had not moved an inch from his spot. “She thinks I’m going to give her up too.”
“Jongin-“
“That’s not even the worst part.” He dropped his head into his hands. “She asked me if I was going to give her up, and I didn’t answer. She asked me, and I didn’t fucking answer.”
“Oh Jongin-“ Abandoning the tea he was preparing in the kitchen, Kyungsoo sat down next to Jongin and put his arms around the youngers shoulders.
“How can I face her now? I knew this day was coming, and I thought I was prepared to help her through it, but she just looked…” he could feel tears springing to his eyes. “…She just looked so sad, sad and frightened, and my mind went blank and frozen and just… I should have answered; I should have told her that I wasn’t going to abandon her, that I would never leave her. And how come I didn't notice she felt this way before? It hurts, Kyungsoo, the idea that she thinks that way and could possibly have been feeling that way all this time and I didn’t notice, I didn’t reassure her from the beginning that I was here to stay, that I would be here for her forever. I just… I feel like such a bad guardian that she could have these insecurities and I wasn’t there to help her through them and just-“
“Jongin, stop.” He paused at Kyungsoo’s firm voice. “You are not a bad parent, okay? I’ve been watching you all these years, and I know for a fact that you have been nothing but the best guardian for Miyoung that she could ever have. Look at Miyoung. She’s so mature and responsible, and has a good and moral head on her shoulders. Remember back when you first got her, back when we first took her to the hospital and they told us she might have problems with growth development? Look at her now, top of her class! They call her the brightest child and fastest learner at the daycare center. She exceeded what everyone thought of her, and well… it’s all thanks to you and your optimism that she could do it.”
“It’s natural for her to wonder about her parents, we always knew that. And it’s only right that she knows. But Jongin, you’ve done an amazing job in their place, raising her like your own. You’re so selfless, always considering her needs over yours, putting her first… the fact that you’re not even her real father and already do all that for her is a testimony to how amazing a parent you are.”
“Sure, I know you’re probably scared right now, frightened because you’re unsure how to handle this new revelation. But remember, you didn’t know what to do when you first got custody of her, but look how far you got! Four years later, and you’ve done more then just raised her; you’ve loved her like she was your own, and given her the childhood she deserves. Just remember the reasons why you did all that, and what kept you moving on, even when it got tough and hard for you. Because I guarantee about 99% of those have to do with Miyoung, and that’s what will help you to talk to Miyoung about Jonghyun and Sunyoung, and reassure that you’re going to continue to raise her, love her, and give her everything she deserves.”
“And well…” he paused. The sliver of moonlight from behind him gave him a soft glow.
“I know you’ll be able to do just that, because Miyoung is the ray of sunshine to your life, and all you have to do is let her know exactly that.” He ended with a light smile, his eyes crinkling with kindness and patience. Jongin never thought he saw anything more beautiful at that moment.
If Jongin were drunk, he could have blamed his next move all on the alcohol. But Jongin knew he wasn’t drunk, knew he hadn’t touch a drop of beer since the day Miyoung came into his care, he was 100% sober, 100% conscious and aware, and 100% sure he was kissing Kyungsoo, and the elder was kissing back.
He pushed away, gasping. Kyungsoo touched at his lips, staring just as wide back at Jongin.
“I-I’m s-sorry- I-I didn't mean-“ Kyungsoo still didn’t say anything, his entire body frozen.
Jongin didn’t waste another second on that couch, pushing himself off of it and all but racing to the door. Two seconds later he’s in his own apartment, fingers still up against his lips.
The kiss was nothing like he expected, Kyungsoo’s lips even more heavenly then his greatest fantasies. And yet, it bewildered him that he had suddenly kissed the other like that.
Maybe it was the euphoria from finally seeing Kyungsoo again, and having the other talk to him in that loving voice of his. Maybe it was because his mind was already in a chaotic frenzy after the eventful night, and the stress of what could lie tomorrow.
But no. It wasn’t any of those reasons.
Kyungsoo had lied when he said Miyoung was a ray of sunshine in Jongin’s life. Miyoung was his entire world, no doubt, the sky and the seas and the land all combined into the perfect person that she was. But it was Kyungsoo who was the actual sun to both of them; a light that shined on them and had guided them, providing them with warmth and wisdom that helped them both grow even more. Jongin couldn’t deny it anymore. Without Kyungsoo, his whole world went dark, and in the process, he even brought gloominess to the previously happy Miyoung. He couldn’t live without Kyungsoo.
So if Jongin really looked inside himself for the real reason why he kissed Kyungsoo, it would have to be that he was in love with Kyungsoo.
He hardly got any sleep that night, meaning a very drowsy morning the next day. Half awake, he stumbled into the kitchen, grasping blindly for the coffee pot.
The kitchen was quiet that morning, the only sounds coming from the lull of traffic outside. In fact, it was too quiet, and looking around, Jongin saw that the main source of noise in the morning was not present. He blinked.
Miyoung was usually good at waking herself up, a blessing to Jongin - who hardly could get out of bed himself - so it worried him that she had not showed up at the table. Immensely worried him.
“Miyoungie?” he took a step towards her bedroom, hoping that she was okay, but the young girl walked around the corner at that moment, rubbing her eyes. They looked red, from lack of sleep or something else, Jongin didn’t know.
“Miyoungie, I-“
“Good morning Uncle Jongin!” she bounds up to him, throwing her arms around his legs for a hug. It makes Jongin smile faintly.
“Are we going to have toast?” she asks, walking over to their small refrigerator. “Can I have peanut butter?” Jongin nods weakly, watching as she yanks open the door, nearly sending her flying back, before grabbing the small brown bottle out.
“Do you want the purple peanut butter?” he nods again, sitting at the counter in shock. She pulls out the jam as well, setting both on the floor and closing the door, before grabbing both bottles and standing on her tippy toes to place them on the counter. He watches as she walks over to their utensil cabinet, grabbing a kiddie knife and butter one out for the spreads.
The toaster beeps, popping out the two slices of bread. Miyoung turns.
“Toast is done.” She grins. Her blinding smile hits Jongin hard, jolting him alive again.
He watches as she climbs up in her stool, grabbing the peanut butter jar and opening it, before spreading it all over her piece of toast with the kiddie knife. Kyungsoo’s words from last night came rushing back.
It was bittersweet, seeing how much she had grown over the years. Being with a barely legal single guy meant Miyoung had no choice but to mature more quickly then others her age, since Jongin himself was in the process of entering adulthood at the time. They always joked that a child was raising a child, but at times, that had been the case.
Yet… he focused on the good. Miyoung was still smiling, had always been smiling throughout these four years. The dullness in her eyes after the accident was gone; instead, they were filled with cheer and happiness. Over the years, Miyoung had grown to be a beautiful young girl, and while she was still young and childish, she
I did it. I raised her myself. Sure, we hit bumps on the way, but look at her now. She’s turned into the most precious child I’ve seen, all thanks to me.
(and Kyungsoo.)
“I’m done!” Miyoung’s bright voice brings him back to the kitchen, where she’s grinning widely up at him, crumbs all over her face. He hands her a napkin.
“Can I go now?” She doesn't wait for an answer, jumping off the stool and making for her bedroom. Jongin stopped her.
“Wait, Miyoungie, I need to tell you something.” She froze in her steps, eyes opening wide. Jongin took in a deep breath. It was now or never.
Squatting down and grabbing her by the shoulders, he faced her eye to eye. “I love you Miyoung.”
“I love you too Uncle Jongin.”
“No, Miyoung, I really love you, and I don’t want you to ever leave me.” She blinked, her lip trembling. He pulled her close, giving her a hug.
“Miyoungie, you already know that your parents are gone, and they aren’t coming back, right?” she nodded against her shoulder. He separated the two and looked her in the eye. “But it’s not because they want to stay away. I bet your parents really really really want to come back and get you. They loved you so much.”
“But sometimes- there are people who can’t come back to the people they love, because they’re too far away. Your parents are like that, and it really upsets them where they are. They want to be able to hug you tight,” he pulls her in, “kiss your cheek,” he pecks her softly on both sides, “and say ‘I love you’ over and over like ‘I love you I love you iloveyou iloveyouiloveyou-“ Miyoung giggled, and Jongin let out a soft laugh of his own.
“And well… your parents… because they can’t be with you, they asked me, your Uncle Jongin, to be there for you instead. And I said yes, I would be there for you instead of them. It was scary at first, because I didn't know if I would be a good enough uncle for you, but then I met you… and you began to live with me… and… well… Miyoungie, I never want to leave you, because I love you so much, and you are one of the best things that happened to me. Ever.”
Miyoung was still staring at him, a small smile on her lips. Jongin could only pray that part of what he was saying was registering in her brain, and slowly eradicating any other dark worries she might have in her head.
“Do you know what Miyoung means in Korean?” She shook her head no. “It means ‘beautiful hero’, and I can’t think of a better name for you. You’re my beautiful hero, the light of my world. You’re so young, only four years old! and yet, you’ve survived more then any of those kids at your daycare center have. I remember when I first held you four years ago, and now… now you’re such a big girl! You’ve grown so much Mimi, and each day you keep smiling more and more and lighting up the world in your own way.”
“Right now, I your parents are smiling down at you from where they are. They’re so so so proud of their brave little girl and how much she’s grown from the baby you were. I’m proud, of how much you’ve grown. When I first saw you, you were this small,” he motioned the length with his hands. “And now look! You’re so big you can reach the second shelf in our refrigerator!” Miyoung giggled again.
“So… I-I don’t want you to think they don’t love you, that I don’t love you. Because I love you more then I love purple peanut butter.”
“More then purple peanut butter?” She bit her lip shyly. Jongin beamed back.
“Yep. More then purple peanut butter.” Jongin smiled. “And your parents also loved you more then purple peanut butter.”
“What about Uncle Kyungsoo?” Jongin blinked.
“H-He- definitely loves you too. And don’t forget that, okay? Don’t forget I love you, and your parents love you, and Uncle Kyungsoo loves you too, okay?”
“Okay.” She nodded, smiling up at Jongin. A part of him could tell he had spoken too much and his words only made partial sense to her, and it saddened him that he still couldn’t get through completely to her, but baby steps were made. It would be a while before she would understand completely, and he knew that when the time came, Miyoung would be less smiley and much more upset, but Jongin vowed to be there when that time came. Vowed to be there for Miyoung at all times.
“Come on, let’s go get changed so I can walk you to daycare.” He stood, reaching out for Miyoung’s hand.
“But Uncle Kyungsoo will drive us!” She pointed behind him.
“Uncle kyungsoo’s not here…” He turned. There stood Kyungsoo, his eyes wide. In his hands were three lunch boxes.
“S-sorry i-I just let myself in to bring you guys lunch because no one a-answered when I knocked… I’ll just… I’ll just go now-“
“Mimi, can you go change by yourself? Uncle Kyungsoo and I need to talk.” Kyungsoo froze in his steps. Miyoung nodded again and ran off to her room, the shut door resonating across his small apartment, before turning to silence again.
“You left pretty quickly last night,” Kyungsoo started, laughing nervously. Jongin turned red, looking away from the other.
“I apologize,” he replied. Kyungsoo shifted, surprised. “I-I’m sorry that I made the situation uncomfortable last night-“ he felt a small peck against his cheek, and his mouth hung open.
“I would apologize for that kiss, but I’m not going too.” Kyungsoo was blushing as well, his eyes darting all over the place. “And I don’t want you to apologize for last night, because I really liked it.” His lips spread into a shy smile, and Jongin started to grin as well.
He took a deep breath in. “Kyungsoo… I guess you kinda know by now… but.” He paused. “I-I… I like you back.” The other let out a small chuckle.
“I was hoping that was it, and it wasn’t just you making a brash choice, kissing me like that last night.” Jongin blushed again.
“So why didn’t you ever tell me before,” Kyungsoo continued shyly, yet boldly took a step closer to Jongin.
“I could ask you the same question.” He joked back weakly, before sighing. “T-truthfully, I didn’t think you could ever like me back, s-since you’re on a whole different class then me. And I know… it may not have seemed that big a deal to you, but I did see it as a major obstacle, something that made my situation seem…” he scoffed.
“Like I pitied you.” Kyungsoo finished, shaking his head slowly. He let out a disbelieving laugh. “To think… we were both just scared idiots.”
“Scared idiots in love you mean.”
Kyungsoo nodded in agreement, before replying, “I love you, and I love Miyoung. A lot. And it’s like I said. When you have someone you love that much, you don’t really notice anything else, so it only felt natural to buy you guys a lot of things, which I apologize for since I see now how that could be unsettling to you.”
He took another step forward. “I want to try and work whatever we have going on between us out. We both like each other, and we both want to be there for Miyoung… it’s just… I’m scared since I don’t know what will happen from this point on. Maybe… it’ll work out great. M-maybe it won’t. But I-I’m willing to try, I want to try, because…” Jongin leaned in, mere inches away from Kyungsoo. He could smell a rose smell coming from his hair, see the small freckles on his nose, and could almost feel the others soft cherry lips on his own.
“You both are worth it.” Kyungsoo chuckled. “I’ve only really known you well for four years, and yet those four years spent as a close family friend to both you and Miyoung were some of my most joyful years alive.” He fell silent, staring up into Jongin’s face. Jongin himself didn’t say anything, but Kyungsoo knew his answer in the way his eyes lit up with a wary happiness.
“Why are you guys so close to each other?” Kyungsoo banged his head against the wall as Jongin slipped backwards onto the counter, knocking the lunchbox to the floor. Miyoung frowns.
“Are you guys going to kiss?” Jongin choked on air, while Kyungsoo lets out a squeak of embarrassment. “Are you guys day-ting?”
“Where did you learn those words?” Jongin half shouts, as Kyungsoo coughs into his hand.
“Uncle Tao said you guys were day-ting. He said that Uncle Kyungsoo wants to take you to amusement parks without me, and pay for your dinner sometimes and press his lips onto yours like Uncle Yixing and his tall friend do in the hallways sometimes.”
(“I’m gonna kill my friends.” Jongin moans.)
Miyoung shrugged, blinking innocently up at the two. She continued on, “He says what they do in the hallways is kissing, except you weren’t doing the same thing…” she walks over to the counter floor and grabs the lunch box. “Can we go now? I want to tell that stupid boy that you love me?”
Jongin blushed happily, a wide smile appearing on his face at Miyoung’s words. Kyungsoo, on the other hand, peers suspiciously up at Jongin.
“Jongin? What. Does Yixing do in the hallways?” he freezes.
“Don’t worry about it, I’m gonna kill my friends when I get to work okay?”
“Jongin what did she see- Jongin don’t you dare run from me get back here you-“
“Hey man, it’s not my fault that Yixing and his sugar daddy are into voyeurism.” Tao shrugs; taking a chip from the bowl Jongin was holding. Jongin glares back. “And well, I did kinda tell her the truth, didn’t I? I mean… come on, I can tell the future here.”
“She’s four years old she doesn’t need to know stuff like that.”
“Hey, isn’t it like the motto of all parents to prepare your kids for what’s coming? You should be thanking me.” Jongin would have punched the Chinese if it weren’t for Kyungsoo’s soft hand on his shoulder, holding him back.
“Please don’t, we need him to hang up the banners,” Kyungsoo reminded Jongin. “And Mimi would probably like to see him too.” He paused. “Afterwards though…” Jongin grinned down at Kyungsoo, pecking at his nose. Tao and Taemin let out a retching sound.
“You knw, nothing has changed at all about the two of you,” Taemin commented, grabbing one end of the banner and stepping up onto a chair. He glanced back down at the couple, nose crunching up. “Except… more gross.” Jongin pouted.
“We're not gross,” he sulked. “And you and Krystal were practically the same back in high school.” Taemin smirked.
“Yeah but, at that time, being all kissy and lovey dovey was appropriate for people our age. You guys are in your late twenties and have a kid. You should be approaching the harried parents stage too, like me and Soojung.”
“But we won’t, since our kid is perfect and doesn’t cause us any hair-tearing troubles,” Taemin threw a pillow at Jongin, who narrowly missed, laughing. He pulled Kyungsoo into his arms, encircling them around his waist. “Right Kyunggie~? Mimi is the most perfect child in the world?”
“Of course. Now get to work or else this ‘perfect’ child isn’t gonna get her perfect anniversary party, and this per-son right here isn’t gonna be perfectly fine with that.” Kyungsoo pointed to himself, before swatting at Jongin’s arm. Laughing, Jongin leaned in to peck him on the cheek again, before letting go and picking up the thrown pillow from the floor.
It was almost surreal, to think that just two weeks ago, Jongin was afraid of talking to Kyungsoo, afraid of the clear social divide between them. Now, it was like what Taemin said. They had returned back to how they were before, except now Jongin could enjoy feeling Kyungsoo’s hand in his, or sneaking small pecks on the others cheek (or lips) whenever he could.
Sure, there was still no official label on their relationship, but Jongin would like to think that he could call Kyungsoo his own. They had a long discussion that night after Jongin confessed, about where they would go from that point. There was still the money issue, as Jongin didn’t want Kyungsoo to continue to pay for everything, and also the idea of balancing being “parents” to Miyoung while attempting a relationship with one another. It was going to be a long and trying process, but then again, everything in Jongin’s life was like that, and looking at his track record, he was pretty much always successful in working things. He was confident he and Kyungsoo could get through this together.
But first, there was this party to attend too.
“Hey guys, listen up,” his friends all paused, glancing over at Jongin. “I just want to say… that you all better be on your best behavior and now pull any funny shi-“
“Shut up Jongin you were about to curse at a kid’s party.” Kyungsoo cut in. “Hurry up guys, put the banner up. Jongdae’s bringing Mimi right now, and I want this to be perfect. Taemin, a little lower, it has to be even with Tao’s side.” Taemin mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like slave master under his breath, but complied, shifting the giant ‘HAPPY ANNIVERSARY’ sign down a few inches.
“Low-er, no one can read it if it’s up there.”
“None of the kids will understand it anyways!”
“Maybe yours, ‘cause Mimi’s really smart-“
“Fight me, Kyungsoo. Fight me.”
“Whose Jongdae?” Jongin hissed suddenly, a hint of jealousy coming from his mouth. Kyungsoo glared back.
“One of the caretakers at the daycare, who you would have met if you weren’t such a big baby that day-“
“Happy anniversary Mimi!” A party favor tooted. The two blink from their conversation, to see that Miyoung had just stepped through the door, her eyes wide in confusion.
“Anni-anni-verse-so-rry?” she stuttered. A few people chuckled in the room.
Kyungsoo walked up to her and leaned down. “Four years ago, me, Uncle Jongin, and you met for the first time, which is something to celebrate as well. It’s a very important day, because we became a family that day. Think of it like your birthday… only, it’s our birthday.” He smiled up at Jongin. “The three of us.”
“Like a b-birthday?” She repeated. Jongin nodded. “So… every year, we have a party on this anni-verse-so-rry?” Jongin chuckled.
“Yep, every year.” He leaned down as well. “Because it’s a very, very important day to us. It’s something worth celebrating. He grinned widely. Miyoung’s eyes widened even more, and he expected her to return the smile.
She didn’t. Instead, her lips began to tremble, as she turned and ran out the door, leaving Kyungsoo and Jongin - plus everyone else in the room - in complete shock.
Kyungsoo turned to Jongin. “What. Did. You. Do.”
“I didn’t do anything you started talking first-“
“You idiots, go after her!” Jongin hears Sehun shout from the back, and wasted no time running out the door, Kyungsoo on his tail. They don’t have to go far
“Oh my gosh, Mimi are you okay?” Jongin slids down next to her, his face full of concern. “I’m sorry, we don’t have to celebrate if you don’t want too-“
“Every year. We are going, to celebrate, the day we met?” her lip was still trembling, but Jongin didn’t detect any sadness in her voice, only curiosity mixed with a hint of fear. Kyungsoo slid down on the opposite side of her.
“Yes, every year.”
“For how many years?” Oh. Jongin finally understood.
He gave her a big smile. “For as many years as you want.” He said. A tear dropped from Miyoung’s eye. “Because as long as you want to have a party, I will be at that party with you.” He smiled softly, wiping at Miyoung’s wide eyes.
“So you’re going to be with me forever?” Miyoung said in a small voice. “You really are going to stay there for me?” Jongin bit his lip, trying to prevent the tears from falling. It did no good, as both of them started to cry.
“I’ll always be there for you Mimi.” He looked up at Kyungsoo through his watery eyes, and saw the elder was smiling.
Thank you, for always being there for me.
“Always.”
(Later that day, after the cake is cut and in the process of being eaten, Luhan comes up to him with a bright smile on his face.
“Look at this shot that I got.” He shows his camera screen to Jongin, who immediately grins widely upon seeing it.
It's of him and Kyungsoo, sitting on both sides of Miyoung. Her eyes are red, and so are Jongin’s, but all of them are smiling brightly at each other.
“Perfect family shot, isn’t it?” Luhan nudged Jongin. Jongin nodded. He couldn’t agree any less.)
Title: little ray of sunshine
Maybe his friends words’ were actually hitting stronger then before, or maybe Kyungsoo’s generous act was making him realize the social difference between them much better, but Jongin suddenly felt the need to confront whatever ‘issue’ there was between him and Kyungsoo. It felt stupid in his head, considering they had been in the same “relationship” for the past four years, but the nagging voice in his head only got louder by the day, fueled by the blunt words from Taemin, Yixing and Luhan and Sehun.
Yet, as the days went on, Jongin found it harder and harder to talk to the other. Ironically, he also began to realize exactly how much he saw of the other, from driving Miyoung to daycare, meeting up for lunches, to picking up Jongin from work. They had almost every dinner together, and on the weekend after he went over to Taemin’s, the trio went to an amusement park, where - Jongin couldn’t help but notice - Kyungsoo bought Miyoung a giant stuffed animal from. It never occurred to him how much their lives intertwined, and it only seemed to further prove Jongin’s point.
However, it wasn’t until after his latest showcase, while he still had the buzzed feeling from dancing on stage and being in his element, that Jongin decided to brave the awkward conversation he was going to have with Kyungsoo.
“Thanks for coming out to my show again.”
Kyungsoo was right; he mentally cursed himself after saying that. He really did thank Kyungsoo a lot. The elder had always deserved the gratitude, but if Jongin looked back, it only showed how different the two were from each other. Kyungsoo never had to thank Jongin for anything, since it was Kyungsoo who always did the action that deserved the acknowledgement.
Jongin’s heart sunk lower.
“Hey, me and Mimi would never miss one of them,” Kyungsoo replied, his lips drawing up into a wide smile. “She was all excited too, since this was the first one where you got a solo part, though I think you scared her with all the changes in your expressions…” Jongin laughed nervously, hitching the sleeping Miyoung higher in his arms. She had started crying after Jongin’s dramatic ending, and Jongin wasn’t surprised that she was worn out, the girl was scared Jongin had actually been “killed” and refused to leave his arms afterwards.
“I enjoyed it though, it’s really nice to see you so devoted to your dancing. You were really amazing up there.” Kyungsoo blushed; looking downwards, and Jongin could feel a small grin tugging at his lips. Getting a compliment from the usually sarcastic Kyungsoo was rare, yet the elder had a way of making the receiver feel exceptionally happy with his words, and Jongin was no different. It almost made Jongin want to forget about what he really wanted to say to the elder, and instead spend the night chatting over how the performance went.
But the little voices continued to taunt his brain, sending a wave of pain to his heart. He took a deep breath.
“Hey Kyungsoo?” The elder hummed his acknowledgement. “I really… really can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done over the years-“
“Another penny for my metaphorical jar~” Kyungsoo chuckled, but his face turned serious upon noticing Jongin wasn’t smiling in return. “Is this still about the daycare thing? Because honestly, if it makes you feel that bad, you can pay for half of it so-“
“It's not just that.” Jongin cut in. He took in a deep breath. “The guys at work were just… talking about how much you’ve helped me over the years, and it got me thinking-“
“Really? Sehun and Luhan made you think? Call the presses, it’s a miracle.” Kyungsoo cut in. Jongin blinked.
“Well, something in what they said really hit hard with me.” He bit his lip. “You’ve been a tremendous help to Miyoung and I over the years, and there’s no way in both our lifetimes combined that we can ever repay you… but… why? Why have you always been there? I know I told you never to leave me, but it would really make me feel guilty if you actually stayed ‘cause of that one night.”
“Jongin, I… I- what?” Kyungsoo looked desperately confused, his eyes wide up at the other. Jongin looked away.
“Was it out of pity? Did you just feel bad for me, the poor nineteen year old who just lost his brother, and suddenly had to take in a reminder of the only person he really cared for in life? Did watching me struggle hit something in your heart, and just…” he didn’t want to continue on. Glancing up at Kyungsoo, the elder seemed to understand. A flurry of emotions passed his face.
“Did you really think it was all that?” Kyungsoo’s voice cracked. “Jongin, I’m sorry if I made you feel that way, but no… no I didn’t stay around just because I p-pitied you guys. I really love being there for you, and y-you both mean so much t-to me I just-“
“Kyungsoo, you’re almost twenty-four, and yet you’re with me and Mimi more then going out and enjoying your bachelor years.” Jongin was rambling on now, the words tumbling out faster then he could keep up. “I mean, Miyoungie’s my life now, and I would never wish for anything else, but I’m kinda stuck with her. I can’t go out on weekends and meet other people. Blind dates are out, since no one wants a guy with an attachment to him. I mean, even my schedule revolves around Mimi and making sure she’s okay, rather then myself. She’s my responsibility, and I have to suffer whatever consequences come with it. But you don't.”
“But I want too!” Kyungsoo cut in, coming to a halt in front of Jongin. They were at their building now, but neither made a move to enter. “Jongin, I don’t think you understand-“
“I think… I think you should cut back on how much you’re involved with our lives,” his voice was surprisingly strong despite how inside he felt himself turning to mush. “Y-you obviously can afford to move to a nicer complex, and go out and meet other people, a-and I think you should go do that. Live your life, you know? Enjoy your 20s while you can.”
Kyungsoo stayed silent, his eyes glistening. Jongin felt his own body trembling.
“Kyungsoo, I wouldn’t- not- let you see Miyoung again if you moved away,” he tries desperately. “I mean- I’m really thankful for all that you've done for the two of us, but truthfully I’ve gotten so much better at this and I think I can really handle her by myself- I don’t want us to be the reason you aren’t like… moving on. Achieving bigger things. Actually having a life outside of us two. Enjoying your single life, you know-“
“I am enjoying my life-"
“Please Kyungsoo, I don’t want to be holding you back from… well being like other guys your age and in your position-“
“I like you!” Everything stopped.
Jongin stared down at the other, eyes wide. Kyungsoo himself seemed surprised at the words that had just come out of his mouth, but he pursed his lips, glaring back at Jongin determinedly.
“I admit, at first it was out of pity. You were in hysterics that first day, but who could blame you? I felt so bad, considering you just suffered a great lost and now was hitting another setback. Truthfully I was only planning to help you get back on your feet, help you learn the basics of caring for a child, and that was all.”
“But then I saw how determined you were to make it work, how committed you were to raising Miyoung up as your own. Maybe it as a mixture of your young age coupled with the need to fill the void after Jonghyun’s death, but… in such a short amount of time I saw a great visible change in you. You’ve always been more mature then others your age, but it seemed like a new and more adult Jongin then before. Sure, that first night, and for a couple nights afterwards, it seemed like you weren’t ready for the huge duty that was given to you, but then, all of a sudden, you just picked yourself up, accepted the situation, and faced it with one of the most responsible attitudes I’ve ever seen, It was shaky at first, but you were more then willing to learn along the way, learn how to raise Mimi. And… I-I just… I really respected that. I admired you so much for you strength and bravery.
“And that’s why I stayed, not out of pity or obligation. It’s almost selfish of me, but seeing you work hard to get by each day and make the most of everything life handed to you… it just… it just fueled my own feelings towards you, to develop far past just respect and admiration to something that… something like love.” He took a deep breath, eyes blinking away tears. No sounds came from Jongin, as he stood on the stairwell in dead silence, taking it all in.
“I never cared about how much I helped you guys, or felt like I was paying so much, because if we’re being honest, the love and happiness you and Miyoung have brought to my life these four years far surpasses everything I could ever contribute to yours.” He paused. “I’ve always loved Miyoung ever since she first smiled up at me that night. You, I fell for you these past few years, and it only continues to grow every day I see you… a… and…” he faltered, suddenly looking unsure of himself. Jongin felt his insides turn, seeing how scared Kyungsoo was. It didn’t help with how confused Jongin was himself, his head spinning with all this new information that was suddenly thrown at him.
“Maybe a p-part of me h-had thought you… you liked me back,” Kyungsoo said quietly, looking down at his hands. “I-I thought… you wanted me in you and Miyoung’s life as much as I wanted to be there. Every time you smiled at me, or laughed at something I said, or even just watching you be so sweet to both me and Miyoung… it made my heart flutter, and well… it almost felt like we were actually a couple raising a daughter together. It made me happy, like I actually had a family, that there were two people I could count on to be there for me, always.”
“But you know what?” He could hear Kyungsoo trembling, looking anywhere but at Jongin and Miyoung. “I-If I was making you that uncomfortable, t-then maybe you’re right. I’m sorry I-I imposed myself into your lives so much. I should have known it was all a misunderstanding on my part, since these types of stories only happen in fairy tales, right?” He let out a bitter laugh. “And in the end, my delusions only caused more trouble.” He sighed, eyes down casted.
“I’ll stay out of your lives, I promise. I’m really sorry for everything, I n-never meant to make you unco- I only just wanted t-too- I t-thought-.” Kyungsoo froze. “I’m sorry.” He ended with a weak smile, before turning towards the door and disappearing into the building, leaving Jongin shell shocked outside.
He never could have imagined that his friends’ words were actually true, that Kyungsoo could actually like him back. Maybe it was Jongin who lived in illusion that their story could never be the stereotypical rich falls for poor type. That itself seemed like a fairy tale and before, Jongin never believed that it could happen in real life.
And yet… he stares at the silent door, Kyungsoo long gone from his view. It almost felt like he was given a rare opportunity to live out the perfect ending to his own fantasy, only to have just let it slip straight through his fingers.
“Jonginnie?” Miyoung was rubbing her eyes awake, peering at Jongin concernedly. She brought her hand up to his face, wiping his cheek, which Jongin didn’t realize was tear stained until that moment. “Jongin, are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he stuttered out, managing a feeble smile to the girl. She didn’t look convinced, and if Jongin was being truthful with himself, he really wasn’t either.
It’s been two weeks since Kyungsoo confronted him, and Jongin’s hardly seen the other since. Without Kyungsoo around, it only became painfully clear how both men had set their schedules to match up with one another, now that they weren’t exactly on speaking terms, he never saw the other anymore. The only interaction he has is in the mornings, where they awkwardly avoid each other, with Kyungsoo practically flying to the elevator whenever he sees Jongin exiting his apartment.
It only made Jongin miss the elder even more, and want to make it all right. But what would he even say? How could he approach Kyungsoo at all, if he himself wasn’t sure how he wanted their situation to end? Even if he did apologize, where would they go from there?
“Jongin?” He blinked, looking down at where he was helping Miyoung into her pajamas.
“Seriously, will you ever call me Uncle Jongin?” Jongin chuckled, but retracted as soon as he saw Miyoung’s face. He tensed up, bending down to face her. “What’s up?”
“Why do I live with you?” Jongin glanced at her, surprised as he slips her into the other sleeve of her shirt.
“Umm… because you love me?” he tried weakly. Miyoung pursed her lips. “I mean, you’ve always lived with me, so why are you asking now?”
“A boy in school says you’re not my real dad, since I have to call you Uncle Jongin.” She states in a matter-of-fact tone. Jongin inhales deeply. He suddenly knows where this conversation is going, and can feel his stomach churning. “He said that my real parents left me, that they didn’t want me, and that you took me in because you felt bad for me. He says that you will leave me too.” She blinks, her eyes wide with fear. “You’re not going to leave me, are you? You’re not going to give me up too, right?”
Jongin’s insides curled. Miyoung was told the gist of what happened to Jonghyun and Sunyoung before, but Jongin knew that this conversation was coming. He had just never known how he was going to approach it, and now that he was hearing these words from Miyoung’s mouth, it only appeared to be even worse. How could he answer such bitter and sorrowful words that were coming from a four year old?
His mouth stayed in a gaping stance, with nothing coming out of it. Miyoung let out a sigh, and Jongin’s heart breaks at how old she sounds. “It’s okay if you don’t want me, but can you tell me when I have to leave, so I can pray my next uncle will be as nice as you are?” She climbed into her bed, and pulled her sheets up.
“M-mi-“
“I love you Uncle Jongin.” She cuts in, smiling timidly which only renders Jongin speechless again. He just sits there, watching as Miyoung closes her eyes and falls asleep. At least, he thinks so. Was Miyoung only pretending, hoping for Jongin to leave and prove her point right? How many nights had she laid in bed, wondering if it would be her last night with Jongin?
(What made all this worse was Jongin knew the feeling of lying in bed, scared of what could possibly await him in the morning. Without Jonghyun’s constant presence that gave Jongin a slight ounce of comfort after his brother left home, the dark lonely nights became hundreds of times more haunting, a feeling he never enjoyed.)
It makes him want to hurl, and the next thing he knows, he’s over the toilet bowl, emptying their dinner into it. He slumps against the bathroom wall, dazed. Now he knows why the social worker had warned him about keeping it a secret from Miyoung. Children are more aware then you think. He could only fearfully imagine what was going on in Miyoung’s head right now, what had been plaguing her thoughts all this time. The thought itself was enough to make him go another round in the toilet.
What was worst though, was how he had reacted. By saying nothing, that could give the little girl the wrong impression. Jongin wanted to go back to her room, but what would he say? Despite knowning this day was coming, and even preparing himself to answer back, the words that had come out of her mouth were more jarring then he expected, and it hit him hard like a clay brick. At that moment, everything he had thought up just went flying out of his mind.
So instead, his feet carried him another way. It seemed as if they moved on their own, half running, half stumbling across the wood floor and out his front door, straight for the one next door. He knocks.
It’s almost like déjà vu, bringing him back to four years ago, as Kyungsoo opens the door, clad in his pajamas. The elder’s looks wary at first, yet, that turns into concern upon seeing the distress on Jongin’s face.
“What’s wrong?” Even his voice sounds the same as back then, the same warm and velvety sound that immediately acts like a soother to Jongin’s chaotic mind. However, Miyoungs’ come rushing back, bringing another wave of pain to his head.
“M-Miyoung, s-she-“ Sensing his upset, Kyungsoo quickly ushered Jongin in. He sat the other down on his couch, before disappearing into the kitchen.
“She asked me why she has to live with me, why she lives with her uncle instead of her parents.” Jongin continued in a trance, his eyes staring downwards. He could hear Kyungsoo freeze in the kitchen. “S-she thinks t-that they d-didn't want her, and she…” he gulped, Kyungsoo had not moved an inch from his spot. “She thinks I’m going to give her up too.”
“Jongin-“
“That’s not even the worst part.” He dropped his head into his hands. “She asked me if I was going to give her up, and I didn’t answer. She asked me, and I didn’t fucking answer.”
“Oh Jongin-“ Abandoning the tea he was preparing in the kitchen, Kyungsoo sat down next to Jongin and put his arms around the youngers shoulders.
“How can I face her now? I knew this day was coming, and I thought I was prepared to help her through it, but she just looked…” he could feel tears springing to his eyes. “…She just looked so sad, sad and frightened, and my mind went blank and frozen and just… I should have answered; I should have told her that I wasn’t going to abandon her, that I would never leave her. And how come I didn't notice she felt this way before? It hurts, Kyungsoo, the idea that she thinks that way and could possibly have been feeling that way all this time and I didn’t notice, I didn’t reassure her from the beginning that I was here to stay, that I would be here for her forever. I just… I feel like such a bad guardian that she could have these insecurities and I wasn’t there to help her through them and just-“
“Jongin, stop.” He paused at Kyungsoo’s firm voice. “You are not a bad parent, okay? I’ve been watching you all these years, and I know for a fact that you have been nothing but the best guardian for Miyoung that she could ever have. Look at Miyoung. She’s so mature and responsible, and has a good and moral head on her shoulders. Remember back when you first got her, back when we first took her to the hospital and they told us she might have problems with growth development? Look at her now, top of her class! They call her the brightest child and fastest learner at the daycare center. She exceeded what everyone thought of her, and well… it’s all thanks to you and your optimism that she could do it.”
“It’s natural for her to wonder about her parents, we always knew that. And it’s only right that she knows. But Jongin, you’ve done an amazing job in their place, raising her like your own. You’re so selfless, always considering her needs over yours, putting her first… the fact that you’re not even her real father and already do all that for her is a testimony to how amazing a parent you are.”
“Sure, I know you’re probably scared right now, frightened because you’re unsure how to handle this new revelation. But remember, you didn’t know what to do when you first got custody of her, but look how far you got! Four years later, and you’ve done more then just raised her; you’ve loved her like she was your own, and given her the childhood she deserves. Just remember the reasons why you did all that, and what kept you moving on, even when it got tough and hard for you. Because I guarantee about 99% of those have to do with Miyoung, and that’s what will help you to talk to Miyoung about Jonghyun and Sunyoung, and reassure that you’re going to continue to raise her, love her, and give her everything she deserves.”
“And well…” he paused. The sliver of moonlight from behind him gave him a soft glow.
“I know you’ll be able to do just that, because Miyoung is the ray of sunshine to your life, and all you have to do is let her know exactly that.” He ended with a light smile, his eyes crinkling with kindness and patience. Jongin never thought he saw anything more beautiful at that moment.
If Jongin were drunk, he could have blamed his next move all on the alcohol. But Jongin knew he wasn’t drunk, knew he hadn’t touch a drop of beer since the day Miyoung came into his care, he was 100% sober, 100% conscious and aware, and 100% sure he was kissing Kyungsoo, and the elder was kissing back.
He pushed away, gasping. Kyungsoo touched at his lips, staring just as wide back at Jongin.
“I-I’m s-sorry- I-I didn't mean-“ Kyungsoo still didn’t say anything, his entire body frozen.
Jongin didn’t waste another second on that couch, pushing himself off of it and all but racing to the door. Two seconds later he’s in his own apartment, fingers still up against his lips.
The kiss was nothing like he expected, Kyungsoo’s lips even more heavenly then his greatest fantasies. And yet, it bewildered him that he had suddenly kissed the other like that.
Maybe it was the euphoria from finally seeing Kyungsoo again, and having the other talk to him in that loving voice of his. Maybe it was because his mind was already in a chaotic frenzy after the eventful night, and the stress of what could lie tomorrow.
But no. It wasn’t any of those reasons.
Kyungsoo had lied when he said Miyoung was a ray of sunshine in Jongin’s life. Miyoung was his entire world, no doubt, the sky and the seas and the land all combined into the perfect person that she was. But it was Kyungsoo who was the actual sun to both of them; a light that shined on them and had guided them, providing them with warmth and wisdom that helped them both grow even more. Jongin couldn’t deny it anymore. Without Kyungsoo, his whole world went dark, and in the process, he even brought gloominess to the previously happy Miyoung. He couldn’t live without Kyungsoo.
So if Jongin really looked inside himself for the real reason why he kissed Kyungsoo, it would have to be that he was in love with Kyungsoo.
He hardly got any sleep that night, meaning a very drowsy morning the next day. Half awake, he stumbled into the kitchen, grasping blindly for the coffee pot.
The kitchen was quiet that morning, the only sounds coming from the lull of traffic outside. In fact, it was too quiet, and looking around, Jongin saw that the main source of noise in the morning was not present. He blinked.
Miyoung was usually good at waking herself up, a blessing to Jongin - who hardly could get out of bed himself - so it worried him that she had not showed up at the table. Immensely worried him.
“Miyoungie?” he took a step towards her bedroom, hoping that she was okay, but the young girl walked around the corner at that moment, rubbing her eyes. They looked red, from lack of sleep or something else, Jongin didn’t know.
“Miyoungie, I-“
“Good morning Uncle Jongin!” she bounds up to him, throwing her arms around his legs for a hug. It makes Jongin smile faintly.
“Are we going to have toast?” she asks, walking over to their small refrigerator. “Can I have peanut butter?” Jongin nods weakly, watching as she yanks open the door, nearly sending her flying back, before grabbing the small brown bottle out.
“Do you want the purple peanut butter?” he nods again, sitting at the counter in shock. She pulls out the jam as well, setting both on the floor and closing the door, before grabbing both bottles and standing on her tippy toes to place them on the counter. He watches as she walks over to their utensil cabinet, grabbing a kiddie knife and butter one out for the spreads.
The toaster beeps, popping out the two slices of bread. Miyoung turns.
“Toast is done.” She grins. Her blinding smile hits Jongin hard, jolting him alive again.
He watches as she climbs up in her stool, grabbing the peanut butter jar and opening it, before spreading it all over her piece of toast with the kiddie knife. Kyungsoo’s words from last night came rushing back.
It was bittersweet, seeing how much she had grown over the years. Being with a barely legal single guy meant Miyoung had no choice but to mature more quickly then others her age, since Jongin himself was in the process of entering adulthood at the time. They always joked that a child was raising a child, but at times, that had been the case.
Yet… he focused on the good. Miyoung was still smiling, had always been smiling throughout these four years. The dullness in her eyes after the accident was gone; instead, they were filled with cheer and happiness. Over the years, Miyoung had grown to be a beautiful young girl, and while she was still young and childish, she
I did it. I raised her myself. Sure, we hit bumps on the way, but look at her now. She’s turned into the most precious child I’ve seen, all thanks to me.
(and Kyungsoo.)
“I’m done!” Miyoung’s bright voice brings him back to the kitchen, where she’s grinning widely up at him, crumbs all over her face. He hands her a napkin.
“Can I go now?” She doesn't wait for an answer, jumping off the stool and making for her bedroom. Jongin stopped her.
“Wait, Miyoungie, I need to tell you something.” She froze in her steps, eyes opening wide. Jongin took in a deep breath. It was now or never.
Squatting down and grabbing her by the shoulders, he faced her eye to eye. “I love you Miyoung.”
“I love you too Uncle Jongin.”
“No, Miyoung, I really love you, and I don’t want you to ever leave me.” She blinked, her lip trembling. He pulled her close, giving her a hug.
“Miyoungie, you already know that your parents are gone, and they aren’t coming back, right?” she nodded against her shoulder. He separated the two and looked her in the eye. “But it’s not because they want to stay away. I bet your parents really really really want to come back and get you. They loved you so much.”
“But sometimes- there are people who can’t come back to the people they love, because they’re too far away. Your parents are like that, and it really upsets them where they are. They want to be able to hug you tight,” he pulls her in, “kiss your cheek,” he pecks her softly on both sides, “and say ‘I love you’ over and over like ‘I love you I love you iloveyou iloveyouiloveyou-“ Miyoung giggled, and Jongin let out a soft laugh of his own.
“And well… your parents… because they can’t be with you, they asked me, your Uncle Jongin, to be there for you instead. And I said yes, I would be there for you instead of them. It was scary at first, because I didn't know if I would be a good enough uncle for you, but then I met you… and you began to live with me… and… well… Miyoungie, I never want to leave you, because I love you so much, and you are one of the best things that happened to me. Ever.”
Miyoung was still staring at him, a small smile on her lips. Jongin could only pray that part of what he was saying was registering in her brain, and slowly eradicating any other dark worries she might have in her head.
“Do you know what Miyoung means in Korean?” She shook her head no. “It means ‘beautiful hero’, and I can’t think of a better name for you. You’re my beautiful hero, the light of my world. You’re so young, only four years old! and yet, you’ve survived more then any of those kids at your daycare center have. I remember when I first held you four years ago, and now… now you’re such a big girl! You’ve grown so much Mimi, and each day you keep smiling more and more and lighting up the world in your own way.”
“Right now, I your parents are smiling down at you from where they are. They’re so so so proud of their brave little girl and how much she’s grown from the baby you were. I’m proud, of how much you’ve grown. When I first saw you, you were this small,” he motioned the length with his hands. “And now look! You’re so big you can reach the second shelf in our refrigerator!” Miyoung giggled again.
“So… I-I don’t want you to think they don’t love you, that I don’t love you. Because I love you more then I love purple peanut butter.”
“More then purple peanut butter?” She bit her lip shyly. Jongin beamed back.
“Yep. More then purple peanut butter.” Jongin smiled. “And your parents also loved you more then purple peanut butter.”
“What about Uncle Kyungsoo?” Jongin blinked.
“H-He- definitely loves you too. And don’t forget that, okay? Don’t forget I love you, and your parents love you, and Uncle Kyungsoo loves you too, okay?”
“Okay.” She nodded, smiling up at Jongin. A part of him could tell he had spoken too much and his words only made partial sense to her, and it saddened him that he still couldn’t get through completely to her, but baby steps were made. It would be a while before she would understand completely, and he knew that when the time came, Miyoung would be less smiley and much more upset, but Jongin vowed to be there when that time came. Vowed to be there for Miyoung at all times.
“Come on, let’s go get changed so I can walk you to daycare.” He stood, reaching out for Miyoung’s hand.
“But Uncle Kyungsoo will drive us!” She pointed behind him.
“Uncle kyungsoo’s not here…” He turned. There stood Kyungsoo, his eyes wide. In his hands were three lunch boxes.
“S-sorry i-I just let myself in to bring you guys lunch because no one a-answered when I knocked… I’ll just… I’ll just go now-“
“Mimi, can you go change by yourself? Uncle Kyungsoo and I need to talk.” Kyungsoo froze in his steps. Miyoung nodded again and ran off to her room, the shut door resonating across his small apartment, before turning to silence again.
“You left pretty quickly last night,” Kyungsoo started, laughing nervously. Jongin turned red, looking away from the other.
“I apologize,” he replied. Kyungsoo shifted, surprised. “I-I’m sorry that I made the situation uncomfortable last night-“ he felt a small peck against his cheek, and his mouth hung open.
“I would apologize for that kiss, but I’m not going too.” Kyungsoo was blushing as well, his eyes darting all over the place. “And I don’t want you to apologize for last night, because I really liked it.” His lips spread into a shy smile, and Jongin started to grin as well.
He took a deep breath in. “Kyungsoo… I guess you kinda know by now… but.” He paused. “I-I… I like you back.” The other let out a small chuckle.
“I was hoping that was it, and it wasn’t just you making a brash choice, kissing me like that last night.” Jongin blushed again.
“So why didn’t you ever tell me before,” Kyungsoo continued shyly, yet boldly took a step closer to Jongin.
“I could ask you the same question.” He joked back weakly, before sighing. “T-truthfully, I didn’t think you could ever like me back, s-since you’re on a whole different class then me. And I know… it may not have seemed that big a deal to you, but I did see it as a major obstacle, something that made my situation seem…” he scoffed.
“Like I pitied you.” Kyungsoo finished, shaking his head slowly. He let out a disbelieving laugh. “To think… we were both just scared idiots.”
“Scared idiots in love you mean.”
Kyungsoo nodded in agreement, before replying, “I love you, and I love Miyoung. A lot. And it’s like I said. When you have someone you love that much, you don’t really notice anything else, so it only felt natural to buy you guys a lot of things, which I apologize for since I see now how that could be unsettling to you.”
He took another step forward. “I want to try and work whatever we have going on between us out. We both like each other, and we both want to be there for Miyoung… it’s just… I’m scared since I don’t know what will happen from this point on. Maybe… it’ll work out great. M-maybe it won’t. But I-I’m willing to try, I want to try, because…” Jongin leaned in, mere inches away from Kyungsoo. He could smell a rose smell coming from his hair, see the small freckles on his nose, and could almost feel the others soft cherry lips on his own.
“You both are worth it.” Kyungsoo chuckled. “I’ve only really known you well for four years, and yet those four years spent as a close family friend to both you and Miyoung were some of my most joyful years alive.” He fell silent, staring up into Jongin’s face. Jongin himself didn’t say anything, but Kyungsoo knew his answer in the way his eyes lit up with a wary happiness.
“Why are you guys so close to each other?” Kyungsoo banged his head against the wall as Jongin slipped backwards onto the counter, knocking the lunchbox to the floor. Miyoung frowns.
“Are you guys going to kiss?” Jongin choked on air, while Kyungsoo lets out a squeak of embarrassment. “Are you guys day-ting?”
“Where did you learn those words?” Jongin half shouts, as Kyungsoo coughs into his hand.
“Uncle Tao said you guys were day-ting. He said that Uncle Kyungsoo wants to take you to amusement parks without me, and pay for your dinner sometimes and press his lips onto yours like Uncle Yixing and his tall friend do in the hallways sometimes.”
(“I’m gonna kill my friends.” Jongin moans.)
Miyoung shrugged, blinking innocently up at the two. She continued on, “He says what they do in the hallways is kissing, except you weren’t doing the same thing…” she walks over to the counter floor and grabs the lunch box. “Can we go now? I want to tell that stupid boy that you love me?”
Jongin blushed happily, a wide smile appearing on his face at Miyoung’s words. Kyungsoo, on the other hand, peers suspiciously up at Jongin.
“Jongin? What. Does Yixing do in the hallways?” he freezes.
“Don’t worry about it, I’m gonna kill my friends when I get to work okay?”
“Jongin what did she see- Jongin don’t you dare run from me get back here you-“
“Hey man, it’s not my fault that Yixing and his sugar daddy are into voyeurism.” Tao shrugs; taking a chip from the bowl Jongin was holding. Jongin glares back. “And well, I did kinda tell her the truth, didn’t I? I mean… come on, I can tell the future here.”
“She’s four years old she doesn’t need to know stuff like that.”
“Hey, isn’t it like the motto of all parents to prepare your kids for what’s coming? You should be thanking me.” Jongin would have punched the Chinese if it weren’t for Kyungsoo’s soft hand on his shoulder, holding him back.
“Please don’t, we need him to hang up the banners,” Kyungsoo reminded Jongin. “And Mimi would probably like to see him too.” He paused. “Afterwards though…” Jongin grinned down at Kyungsoo, pecking at his nose. Tao and Taemin let out a retching sound.
“You knw, nothing has changed at all about the two of you,” Taemin commented, grabbing one end of the banner and stepping up onto a chair. He glanced back down at the couple, nose crunching up. “Except… more gross.” Jongin pouted.
“We're not gross,” he sulked. “And you and Krystal were practically the same back in high school.” Taemin smirked.
“Yeah but, at that time, being all kissy and lovey dovey was appropriate for people our age. You guys are in your late twenties and have a kid. You should be approaching the harried parents stage too, like me and Soojung.”
“But we won’t, since our kid is perfect and doesn’t cause us any hair-tearing troubles,” Taemin threw a pillow at Jongin, who narrowly missed, laughing. He pulled Kyungsoo into his arms, encircling them around his waist. “Right Kyunggie~? Mimi is the most perfect child in the world?”
“Of course. Now get to work or else this ‘perfect’ child isn’t gonna get her perfect anniversary party, and this per-son right here isn’t gonna be perfectly fine with that.” Kyungsoo pointed to himself, before swatting at Jongin’s arm. Laughing, Jongin leaned in to peck him on the cheek again, before letting go and picking up the thrown pillow from the floor.
It was almost surreal, to think that just two weeks ago, Jongin was afraid of talking to Kyungsoo, afraid of the clear social divide between them. Now, it was like what Taemin said. They had returned back to how they were before, except now Jongin could enjoy feeling Kyungsoo’s hand in his, or sneaking small pecks on the others cheek (or lips) whenever he could.
Sure, there was still no official label on their relationship, but Jongin would like to think that he could call Kyungsoo his own. They had a long discussion that night after Jongin confessed, about where they would go from that point. There was still the money issue, as Jongin didn’t want Kyungsoo to continue to pay for everything, and also the idea of balancing being “parents” to Miyoung while attempting a relationship with one another. It was going to be a long and trying process, but then again, everything in Jongin’s life was like that, and looking at his track record, he was pretty much always successful in working things. He was confident he and Kyungsoo could get through this together.
But first, there was this party to attend too.
“Hey guys, listen up,” his friends all paused, glancing over at Jongin. “I just want to say… that you all better be on your best behavior and now pull any funny shi-“
“Shut up Jongin you were about to curse at a kid’s party.” Kyungsoo cut in. “Hurry up guys, put the banner up. Jongdae’s bringing Mimi right now, and I want this to be perfect. Taemin, a little lower, it has to be even with Tao’s side.” Taemin mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like slave master under his breath, but complied, shifting the giant ‘HAPPY ANNIVERSARY’ sign down a few inches.
“Low-er, no one can read it if it’s up there.”
“None of the kids will understand it anyways!”
“Maybe yours, ‘cause Mimi’s really smart-“
“Fight me, Kyungsoo. Fight me.”
“Whose Jongdae?” Jongin hissed suddenly, a hint of jealousy coming from his mouth. Kyungsoo glared back.
“One of the caretakers at the daycare, who you would have met if you weren’t such a big baby that day-“
“Happy anniversary Mimi!” A party favor tooted. The two blink from their conversation, to see that Miyoung had just stepped through the door, her eyes wide in confusion.
“Anni-anni-verse-so-rry?” she stuttered. A few people chuckled in the room.
Kyungsoo walked up to her and leaned down. “Four years ago, me, Uncle Jongin, and you met for the first time, which is something to celebrate as well. It’s a very important day, because we became a family that day. Think of it like your birthday… only, it’s our birthday.” He smiled up at Jongin. “The three of us.”
“Like a b-birthday?” She repeated. Jongin nodded. “So… every year, we have a party on this anni-verse-so-rry?” Jongin chuckled.
“Yep, every year.” He leaned down as well. “Because it’s a very, very important day to us. It’s something worth celebrating. He grinned widely. Miyoung’s eyes widened even more, and he expected her to return the smile.
She didn’t. Instead, her lips began to tremble, as she turned and ran out the door, leaving Kyungsoo and Jongin - plus everyone else in the room - in complete shock.
Kyungsoo turned to Jongin. “What. Did. You. Do.”
“I didn’t do anything you started talking first-“
“You idiots, go after her!” Jongin hears Sehun shout from the back, and wasted no time running out the door, Kyungsoo on his tail. They don’t have to go far
“Oh my gosh, Mimi are you okay?” Jongin slids down next to her, his face full of concern. “I’m sorry, we don’t have to celebrate if you don’t want too-“
“Every year. We are going, to celebrate, the day we met?” her lip was still trembling, but Jongin didn’t detect any sadness in her voice, only curiosity mixed with a hint of fear. Kyungsoo slid down on the opposite side of her.
“Yes, every year.”
“For how many years?” Oh. Jongin finally understood.
He gave her a big smile. “For as many years as you want.” He said. A tear dropped from Miyoung’s eye. “Because as long as you want to have a party, I will be at that party with you.” He smiled softly, wiping at Miyoung’s wide eyes.
“So you’re going to be with me forever?” Miyoung said in a small voice. “You really are going to stay there for me?” Jongin bit his lip, trying to prevent the tears from falling. It did no good, as both of them started to cry.
“I’ll always be there for you Mimi.” He looked up at Kyungsoo through his watery eyes, and saw the elder was smiling.
Thank you, for always being there for me.
“Always.”
(Later that day, after the cake is cut and in the process of being eaten, Luhan comes up to him with a bright smile on his face.
“Look at this shot that I got.” He shows his camera screen to Jongin, who immediately grins widely upon seeing it.
It's of him and Kyungsoo, sitting on both sides of Miyoung. Her eyes are red, and so are Jongin’s, but all of them are smiling brightly at each other.
“Perfect family shot, isn’t it?” Luhan nudged Jongin. Jongin nodded. He couldn’t agree any less.)