(for uponinfinity) Rhyme of Another Summer

[jongn]

For: uponinfinity
Title: Rhyme of Another Summer
Pairings: jongin/kyungsoo, kyungsoo/baekhyun, sehun/luhan
Rating: R (for language)
Word Count: 9.2k
Summary: Jongin boards the train en route to Kyungsoo’s heart. Only he learns that his destination is worse than where he came from, a little too late.
Author’s Note: Thank you so much for your amazing prompts! I had a lot of fun and I hope you enjoy~



They first meet on a rainy afternoon in mid July.

The mud sinks around their shoes as they walk in a line through the grass. Their eyes meet subtly as they stand across from each other. Jongin watches the other’s eyes tear up and his fingers curl around his dress shirt. His own fingers grip at the umbrella in his hand, head turning to look down at the ground beneath him.

“We are very sorry to have to bid goodbye to such a young soul,” the older man says from in front of the coffin. “Twenty years is not enough time on this earth. We wonder what kind of gifts Mr. Byun would have brought to us. Graced us even further with his delicate voice and passionate heart.” The man pauses and clasps his hands together in front of his chest. “I give my sincerest regards to the Kim family and friends. Byun Baekhyun will be greatly missed.”

Jongin had promised himself he wouldn’t cry this morning while getting dressed. He pushed all the negative thoughts out of his head and replaced them with positive ones. Thoughts of how Baekhyun would smile and laugh. Thoughts of the way he always made sure Jongin was doing his school work and helping him when he needed it. Those happy memories that were only because of Baekhyun.

None of that mattered when he watched the coffin go into the ground. Jongin was angry. He was hurt. He was confused. Tears dropped on his cheeks and the urge to scream was stronger than ever. He doesn’t understand how someone could be so careless and thoughtless. It cost dozens of people their loved one. One person had a few drinks and thought they were okay, caused many hearts to break and suffer.

The rest of the funeral is mostly family talking to family. People crying and hugging their relatives, letting everything out that they had held in for weeks. Jongin wanted to do that. He wanted to wrap his arms around someone and express his frustration. But there was no one there he knew.

Baekhyun hadn’t been a close friend, yet. They had just started talking after they got paired up to do a project together. Jongin had taken to the other rather quickly though and thought of him as a good friend. They were so close to breaking the barrier to becoming closer. How close they were didn’t matter when it came to his emotions. Jongin still lost a friend.

His eyes meet the stranger’s once more when they walk under a tent. It’s filled with food and a few big bouquets of flowers. Jongin sees a large picture of Baekhyun and his family in the center. The other’s eyes are wide and full of sorrow. He looks at Jongin with interest before turning to the person next to him and whispering something to them. Jongin turns his head and focuses on the food in front of him.

“Hey,” a small voice says from behind him. Jongin turns around and is met with the stranger’s eyes again. “You’re Jongin, right?” He nods and blinks, mouth parting to ask the other his name. “Kyungsoo,” he says before Jongin gets the chance to ask.

The name was familiar. It was one he had heard Baekhyun mention once before. Perhaps a boyfriend? He thinks maybe a brother? But Jongin would have seen him around more often then.

“I was Baekhyun’s boyfriend.” Kyungsoo nods and steps to the side to let a person grab at a cookie. “Were you a friend of his?”

Jongin nods and lets his shoulders slump, feeling slightly more comfortable that he has someone to talk to. “Kind of. We weren’t all that close yet.”

“Oh,” Kyungsoo breathes out, fingers tightening around the glass of water in his hands. “I was really close with him, obviously. Maybe not as much as I used to be since he started school. Hard to make a lot of time to see each other when we’re both busy with school work, especially Baekhyun, being at the top of the class.”

Jongin lets out a small laugh, “Yeah, that’s Baekhyun. There wasn’t a time I saw him without a book or notebook.”

Most of their conversation strays away from Baekhyun after they shared painful memories. They decide to learn about each other instead of dwindle on sad thoughts. Jongin learns that Kyungsoo goes to the performing arts university in Seoul for singing. It’s not that far away from where Jongin is studying but sounds much more exciting than studying medicine. He asks Kyungsoo to sing but he shyly denies the request.

“It was really nice meeting you,” he says as they part ways to their cars. “I’m sure Baekhyun was really happy with a friend like you.” Kyungsoo smiles sadly at him and pulls his car door open. “Thanks for coming.”

Jongin takes his time getting in his car. He bites at his lip, wishing he had gotten Kyungsoo’s number. When he looks up, he’s already gone.

xxxx

Their second meeting comes much later in October.

Halloween is right around the corner and the whole university is decorated for the holiday. It falls on a Friday this year and the party invitations are coming to him every hour. Jongin isn’t really a party person. He doesn’t like to drink or do drugs, but he likes to hang out with his friends. The messages are saved on his phone and he marks down the times of the parties. Just in case.
He sees girls already dressed in slutty costumes walking around the dorm building when he gets back from class. Some are dressed as animals, it seems to be a pretty common theme for girls. A few angels and devils. There’s a playboy bunny along with a guy who can’t keep his hands off the girl. Jongin shakes his head and tries to ignore it all as he makes his way to his dorm room. He thinks some people will take any opportunity to show off their bodies.

Jongin decides that Chanyeol’s party is probably the best for him to go to. Joonmyun and Sehun have confirmed that they are going and Sehun mentions that he’s dragging Luhan along as well. He knows that Chanyeol won’t have any drugs and only a small amount of alcohol at his party, unlike the other invitations he received. Chanyeol’s normally a partier but because of the write up he got the other month, he’s trying his best not to get kicked out. He sends out a text saying that he’ll be there.

The party starts at seven and Jongin shows up at six fifty five. His costume is less than scary as he’s dressed in a long medical coat with glasses and a stethoscope around his neck. It looks more like he’s playing dress up like he used to when he was little than going to a halloween party.

“Hey, maybe you missed the memo but this is a Halloween party,” Sehun says with a snicker as he steps to the side to let Jongin in. “Not a dress-like-your-major party.”

Jongin rolls his eyes and hits Sehun on the arm. Sehun is dressed in a tight blue shirt with matching tight blue pants. “Yeah and what about you? Pretty sure a police officer isn’t in the Halloween spirit either.”

Sehun scoffs as he shuts the door, adjusting the handcuffs around his waist. “Police are scary. Remember how you almost peed yourself when you got caught with alcohol in your car?”

“You almost peed yourself?”

Jongin blinks and looks over to the small couch against the wall. Kyungsoo is staring at him with those same big eyes he met a few months back. Jongin smiles and ignores Sehun’s mumbling to him. “Kyungsoo?”

The other nods and stands up, arms stretched out. He isn’t wearing a costume but simple jeans and a tee shirt. “Hey, long time no see.”

“I didn’t expect you to be here.”

Kyungsoo shakes his head, hand running through his hair. “I didn’t either, really. If you can’t tell by the lack of my costume.” Jongin laughs and watches as the other makes his way over to him. “Sehun and Luhan picked me up. Well, dragged me out of my dorm and forced me here.”

“Oh shut up,” Luhan laughs out as he comes out of the bathroom. “You’ll have fun, trust me. Chanyeol’s parties are always fun.”

It’s a small party. Really only their friends were invited. Joonmyun shows up a few minutes later along with Jongdae. There’s snacks and a few bottles of beer but nothing too much. They vote on whose costume is the best and Jongdae ends up winning with his zombie outfit. Sehun gets bitter and complains that Luhan’s ghost costume, which is really just a sheet that he threw on for the judging, was better than anyones.

Jongin tries to get into their activities but the way Kyungsoo is pressed up against him is making it hard. He has his hand on his thigh and squeezes it almost every time he laughs. He’s drunk but Jongin’s a little tipsy too.

Kyungsoo ends up leaning against Jongin halfway through their scary movie marathon. His cheek is pressed against Jongin’s shoulder and the blanket around them keeps their bodies warm. Kyungsoo smells of fresh soap and nice cologne. Even with the alcohol smell coming from his lips, it doesn’t mask the other scents.

Jongin would be a liar if he said that he hadn’t thought about Kyungsoo. He wasn’t the source of all his daydreams but there were some that he made an appearance in. They were really nothing more than wondering if he could see Kyungsoo again. He wanted to know more about him. Become friends. There was a connection that he felt with him that only came through meeting him at Joonmyun’s funeral. Seeing tears fall from his eyes and hearing stories about when him and Joonmyun were little. Maybe it wasn’t much of a connection to some people. But being able to see him at a weak point was a stronger connection than what he had with some of the people sitting around him.

“Jongin,” Kyungsoo whispers to him near the end of the third movie. “Can we go somewhere and talk?”

He looks around at the others. Luhan and Sehun are cuddled together on the couch exchanging a few kisses. Chanyeol and Jongdae are both gripping the pillows in their laps, eye locked on the screen. Joonmyun is no where to be seen but Jongin vaguely remembers him saying that he was going to the bathroom. Jongin nods, feeling his heart flutter a bit when Kyungsoo looks at him.

Without the warmth of the blanket and each other, Jongin feels his body shiver. He walks with his arms around his torso as he leads Kyungsoo into the hall. There’s no one around and he’s thankful. Part of it may have to do that it’s close to four in the morning. Or maybe everyone is just too drunk to make it back to their dorms.

Kyungsoo looks at him with sadness in his eyes. His chest rises and falls with a deep breath. Jongin can tell that his eyes are filling with tears. “Baekhyun’s killer isn’t going to be faced with any charges.” Kyungsoo runs his hand through his hair, fingers curling around the locks. “I got the message not too long ago. I didn’t want to ruin the party but, I just need to let it out, you know?” Jongin nods, brows furrowing with worry and concern. “I know you weren’t great friends with Baekhyun. I thought you’d want to know though.”

“Why isn’t he getting charged?” Jongin bites at his lip, hand reaching out to rub at Kyungsoo’s shoulder, unsure of what else he should do.

“Apparently he apologized and they let him off or some shit like that. Said he was just a teenager and he was being reckless. I’m so,” Kyungsoo sucks in a breath and lets his hand collide with the wall. “I just don’t fucking understand how being a teenager gives a person the right to fucking kill someone. Baekhyun was crossing at the crosslight. He wasn’t wearing dark clothing. The car had its lights on.” Kyungsoo bites at his lip and presses his hand against his face.

Before Kyungsoo can let any more out, he chokes out a sob. Jongin frowns and wraps his arms around Kyungsoo. The alcohol smell is stronger than before and he wonders if Kyungsoo had finished off his beer while they were watching the movie. Maybe it’s the alcohol in his own system that’s making Kyungsoo’s body feel like a heater against his. Maybe it’s the alcohol that makes his fingers curl around his shirt and pull him against him more. Jongin’s almost certain it’s the alcohol when Kyungsoo presses his lips against his.

Their lips move against each other slowly. Kyungsoo’s hands come up and cup Jongin’s cheeks. His head tilts and allows his tongue to press against Jongin’s lips. It’s a sloppy kiss. One that probably would have been better executed without alcohol and sadness in their systems. Kyungsoo’s tears are still falling and Jongin’s cheek catches one, letting it melt against his own skin.

Jongin leads Kyungsoo to his dorm room. He knows the others will wonder where they’ve gone but they’ll just have to keep wondering. Kyungsoo presses him against the wall, hands running down Jongin’s sides. He breathes out against his lips and lets his forehead press to the other’s. Jongin can taste the salt of tears on his lips as he licks them. A thumb brushes a stray tear away as they kiss again.

xxx

Jongin wakes to Kyungsoo getting out of bed. He’s not loud but the lack of warmth against him makes his body shiver and stir from sleep. Neither of them are naked. Kyungsoo still has his shirt on from last night and Jongin still has his pants on. It calms his nerves to know that they probably didn’t have sex. Jongin’s had a few one night stands before but it never involved someone so laced with pain. He couldn’t do that to Kyungsoo.

They talk over morning coffee.

Kyungsoo gets an iced mocha and Jongin an expresso. He’s not one for coffee but the pounding headache screams for some caffeine. Being Saturday, there aren’t many students in the cafe. None at all really. Just them and the workers. Jongin doesn’t mind. He doesn’t feel like dealing with people talking around him and making his head hurt worse.

“I’m sorry for last night,” Kyungsoo whispers as he bites down on his straw. “I needed to let it out.”

Jongin shakes his head and stretches his legs out under the table. “Don’t apologize. I understand.”

“No one wants to talk about it anymore, you know? Everyone’s always telling me to move on.” His voice wavers in the back of his throat and he pulls his mouth away from his straw. “It’s not that easy. I can’t yet. Not when I had so much with him.”

Jongin’s never lost anyone before. His parents are still alive and so are their parents. No relatives have passed. Not even people who he barely even knows. Well, not until Baekhyun. But he doesn’t know the pain that Kyungsoo is feeling. He can’t relate and console him because he doesn’t know how.

“Hey,” he says as he rubs Kyungsoo’s arm that’s resting on the table. “Don’t listen to them. Take as much time as you need. He meant a lot to you. It would be wrong to throw it all away without you being ready.”

There are silent smiles to each other as they finish their coffees.

“You know, for not really knowing each other, you’re a better friend to me than some of my long time friends.” Kyungsoo smiles as he gets up from his chair. “I wish I could have gotten to know you through something other than this.”

xxx

Occasionally, Jongin thinks that he started his relationship with Kyungsoo backwards. Instead of starting out with awkward words and forced meetings to get to know each other, they started out with open hearts and broken walls. Their eyes first met with tears in them and hearts sore from loss. Now they were going back and learning about each other. Learning the things they should have during their first meetings.

Kyungsoo calls Jongin almost every day. Most of the time he calls to talk about Baekhyun. Sometimes it’s happy memories. Kyungsoo tells of the time Baekhyun spent over fifty dollars at the carnival to win him the stuffed bear he wanted. Or the time when he asked Kyungsoo to a school dance when they were seventeen.

Then there are the unhappy memories. Ones that involve fights and screaming. Kyungsoo tells Jongin the time Baekhyun said he couldn’t hang out and Kyungsoo found him with a group of his friends. Kyungsoo says that maybe he overreacted a bit but Jongin shakes his head and tells him that he had every right to be mad. There’s other small arguments that he shares but none of them compare to the happy memories. He thinks the two had a good relationship. More positives than negatives. A healthy relationship.

They were together for almost four years. Friends for over ten. Baekhyun was Kyungsoo’s everything. The more stories Kyungsoo told him, the more he felt the pain that he was feeling. He thinks about losing Sehun in an instant. It wouldn’t be the same because there’s no intimate connection but there was several years of friendship behind them. Years of memories that he didn’t want to go to waste.

“You’re a great listener, do you know that?”

Jongin laughs and rolls on his back, hand pushing its way through his hair. He’s been listening to Kyungsoo talk for the last hour about a Christmas party last year. “I told you I’d be here if you need to talk.”

He hears Kyungsoo suck in a breath on the other line. “It might be weird to say this but, you just sounded exactly like Baekhyun. He used to say that all the time.”

“Did he listen to you like this too?”

“Yeah, he did.”

Kyungsoo breathes out a laugh and decides to change the subject after that. He tells Jongin that he’s going on holiday break in a few days. A day before Jongin’s to be exact. They make plans to go see the lights at COEX. Jongin subtly adds that Sehun and Luhan will come as well when they barge in the room and hear him talking about it. Kyungsoo doesn’t object and tells Jongin to meet him there at eight.

xxx

It’s been several years since Jongin has taken the trip to see the lights. He sees them every now and then when he drives by, never really stopping to admire them though. Mostly because he didn’t have anyone to go with. He could have gone by himself sure, but it’s much funner with other people. Three years ago he went with Sehun. Now Sehun goes with Luhan every year instead. Jongin doesn’t mind it. He wouldn’t want to be the third wheel anyways. At least this time he’d be with Kyungsoo.

The lights are far more beautiful than he remembers them being. Large white snowflakes line the windows on the building, lighting up the streets. There’s a few smaller red and green ones that fit on single windows, just big enough to see from where they’re standing. A sign has ‘Merry Christmas’ scrolling every few minutes before flashing it a few times.

On all sides of them are trees with lights wrapped around them. Some have white, others the Christmas colors, and then there were the multicolored ones. Large trees that have been dragged from the forest all the way to the middle of the city stand tall in the medium between the roads.

It was everything to make a mouth smile with holiday spirit.

Kyungsoo is already waiting when the three of them walk over to him. He’s bundled up in a large black jacket with matching hat. Jongin laughs because the jacket is down to his ankles and the hat is too big for him.

“Sorry we’re a bit late. The twins over there decided to take half an hour picking out clothes that match.” Jongin smiles and lets his eyes meet Kyungsoo’s.

The other shakes his head and laughs, smile almost as bright as the lights around them. “It’s okay. I wasn’t here for long.”

Sehun and Luhan walk ahead of them as they stroll down the street in small strides. Jongin watches as Sehun wraps an arm around Luhan and pulls him close, head tilting down for a kiss. He looks over at Kyungsoo, seeing slight sadness contort his face. Jongin bites at his lip and wraps his arm around his side, much like Sehun had done to Luhan. He watches as Kyungsoo’s lips curl into a smile.

Kyungsoo offers to buy them all food when they pass by a group of food stands and trucks. Luhan declines kindly due to the caramel apple he has in his hand thanks to Sehun. The couple mentions that they’re going to go and look at the sales in the shops instead. Sehun tells Jongin that he’ll get his own ride home and to not wait up for them, nudging at his side with a smile.

The two settle down on a table by the food cart. Jongin smiles as the heat and smell of tteokbokki hits his cheeks. The smell of it reminds him of past winters, giving him that warm feeling in his chest. Kyungsoo smiles at him and holds up his small glass full of soju. Jongin returns the smile and taps his glass against his. They both laugh and cough at the burn down their throats after they finish it off.

“Baekhyun used to take me here every winter,” Kyungsoo says as he wipes at his mouth with a napkin. “The second the decorations would go up, he’d drag me out to see them.” He laughs, pouring more soju into his glass. “Even when they put them up in November, he’d still beg me to come with him.”

“That’s how Sehun used to be.” Jongin smiles and watches as Kyungsoo looks around with wide eyes, taking in the scenery. “Now he has Luhan so I don’t come much.”

“It’s not as fun when alone,” they both say at once.

Kyungsoo and Jongin laugh loudly, their voices echoing through the emptying streets. Puffs of air fill the space between their faces. It warms Jongin’s cheeks for a moment before Kyungsoo stops laughing. His eyes are watching him and Jongin feels the cool December air back on his skin again. It’s not for long though as his face is dusted with a light blush from the way Kyungsoo is looking at him.

xxx

One afternoon is spent in Kyungsoo’s apartment. It’s not too lavish yet not too barren. With the building being new, the design was modern and Kyungsoo kept the theme with the furniture. The space was just big enough for him. One bedroom and one bathroom along with a small kitchen and living room.

“I normally only come here during long breaks but sometimes on the weekends I come to get away.” Kyungsoo smiles as he hands Jongin the glass of water he had asked for. He settles down next to Jongin, cheek resting against his shoulder.

“It’s nice,” Jongin says after swallowing the sip of water. “I wish I had somewhere to go when I need to get away. Joonmyun’s room isn’t working so great anymore.”

They sit in silence for a while, only their breathing and occasional moving breaking the quiet around them. Jongin normally doesn’t like silence. His thoughts get the best of him if he has no noise or conversation to latch onto. With Kyungsoo though, it doesn’t bother him. He focuses on the smell of Kyungsoo’s shampoo and the feel of his arm wrapped around his waist with fingers dancing against his skin.

“Do you want to watch a movie?” Kyungsoo asks while unwrapping himself from Jongin’s hold.

Jongin nods and watches as Kyungsoo slides off the couch. He fixes his shirt and shuffles over to the TV where Jongin can see a stack of movie cases threatening to tip over with one touch. He doesn’t mind that Kyungsoo doesn’t ask him what he wants to watch. There isn’t a genre he’s really against. He only smiles when Kyungsoo falls back into his hold after slipping the movie in.

It’s not a movie that Jongin has seen before. It’s one of those new action fighting movies and Jongin realizes that it’s Pacific Rim a few minutes in. He watches with interest for a while, sometimes looking away to catch Kyungsoo staring at him. Jongin laughs and goes back to the movie each time. But he knows what Kyungsoo is feeling because he’s feeling the same.

Kyungsoo is the one to initiate the kiss. It happens when Jongin looks over and catches him staring for the seventh time. Their foreheads press together and their lips meet in a hard kiss. It’s different than the first kiss they had. There’s no sadness in it. There’s only desire and something else that Jongin can’t pinpoint. He lets his hand curl around Kyungsoo’s cheek, pulling him closer while his thumb rubs against his jawline.

They pull away when things become too heated. Their lips are swollen and Jongin can see Kyungsoo’s shine with spit. Kyungsoo pants softly and his cheeks heat up as he looks at Jongin. His cheek goes back to resting on his shoulder.

“This was Baekhyun’s favorite movie.”

It comes out as the tiniest whisper, only enough for Jongin to pick up the last two words.

xxx

Somewhere between January and February is when Jongin realizes that Kyungsoo is something more than a friend. He feels a weird sensation in his stomach and heart whenever the other is near. His cheeks heat up more than they used to and his fingers often find their way between Kyungsoo’s.

Kyungsoo seems to feel the same. He gets flustered more than usual and is more quiet when they’re alone. The awkwardness between them doesn’t make the times their alone decrease in any way. It makes their private sessions increase even more. Jongin finds himself in Kyungsoo’s dorm or apartment on the weekends and on the days he doesn’t have class. He finds himself waking up in Kyungsoo’s bed with the other wrapped around him securely.

They go on small outings that Jongin likes to think are dates. Kyungsoo takes him out to go see a movie and surprises him with nachos and sour patch kids. Jongin isn’t particularly keen on sour candies but he eats them because Kyungsoo is smiling brightly at him. After the movie they walk along the river. It’s cold and Jongin feels his nose and cheeks become numb only minutes after they start their walk. Kyungsoo laughs and kisses along his face and tells him it’s the best way to fight off the cold.

He finds that most of their ‘dates’ are picked by Kyungsoo. The other seems to know exactly what to do by heart. He knows the food to by, the sights to see. He walks Jongin through every step. Jongin doesn’t mind though. He finds it cute how enthusiastic Kyungsoo is whenever they go out. The places are always full of memories that make Kyungsoo smile.

Nothing ever goes further than kisses and small touches when they’re alone. Kyungsoo never pushes and neither does Jongin. They’re content with where they are, sexually at least. Jongin has been debating on asking Kyungsoo out for the last few days, wanting their relationship to be more than just friends.

A part of him wonders if it’s too soon. Even though most of the talk of Baekhyun has gone away and it’s more talk about them, Jongin is still worried. He knows that Baekhyun isn’t forgotten. He doesn’t want to push himself on Kyungsoo when he’s not ready and risk their friendship being ruined.

So it comes as a surprise when Kyungsoo asks him out in March.

He shows up outside Jongin’s dorm room in rainboots and a raincoat. His bangs are wet on the tips and Jongin can smell the rain on him. It’s only just past eight and the only reason he’s up is because of his class at nine.

“Will you go out with me?”

It comes out of Kyungsoo’s lips fast and there’s small pants coming from between them. Jongin chokes on his words and feels his cheeks heat up. Kyungsoo looks at him with wide eyes before cupping Jongin’s face and kissing him hard. Jongin lets his arms wrap around Kyungsoo’s waist, pulling him against him. It’s the kiss he’s been waiting for. He feels the desire against Kyungsoo’s lips and feels the heat against his fingers. All the doubt and worry that was once in his mind is gone as his lips move against the others.

“Yes,” Jongin breathes out when they part from each other, foreheads still connecting them. “Yes.”

xxx

Kyungsoo in July is much different than the Kyungsoo he met a year ago. There’s no more teary eyes or shaky fingers. Instead there are shining eyes and bright smiles. Jongin likes to think they have a perfect relationship. Mostly positives and only little negatives. Their fights are small and trivial when they do happen. They laugh it off and apologize only minutes after they happen.

It’s not his first relationship but it’s definitely one of his best, if he’s being honest. He dated Sehun a few years back. Then a girl from his middle school before that. Kyungsoo is so different from both of them. He’s so enthusiastic about their relationship. There isn’t a week where they don’t have something planned. Kyungsoo shows up at Jongin’s dorm and Jongin shows up at Kyungsoo’s at random times. They spend weekends together and sometimes they meet up for lunch between classes.

“The caramel coffee is the best to get here,” Kyungsoo says one day while they stand in line at a cafe. “I’ve never had it myself but trust me, it’s the best.”

Jongin tries to tell Kyungsoo that he isn’t a big fan of caramel but Kyungsoo only smiles at him and hands him the cup. He smiles at the other and follows him to a seat while they wait for their food.

“Kyungsoo, I’m so happy to see you again!” One of the workers smiles as they set down the plates of food. “You know, I didn’t think you’d come back here again honestly. I mean, you and Baekhyun came here practically every day. I was worried since you haven’t been back in over a year.” The man smiles and puts a hand on Kyungsoo’s shoulder.

“It’s okay,” Kyungsoo says with a smile. “This is Jongin, by the way. My boyfriend.”

Jongin smiles softly and shakes hands with the man. “Ah, drinking a caramel coffee?” The man laughs and puts his hands on his hips. “I can’t tell you how many times Kyungsoo used to have to come up to the counter to order another one for Baekhyun. He was obsessed with them!”

“It’s Jongin’s first time having one,” Kyungsoo says with a smile, grabbing Jongin’s hand and wiggling it. “But he loves it too.”

Jongin’s brows furrow slightly as the other two continue to chat, unable to shake a weird feeling from his body.

xxx

The feeling returns one morning when Jongin returns to the bedroom of Kyungsoo’s apartment after a shower. There’s clothing laying out for him already on the bed, clothes different than the ones that Jongin had set out before going to the bathroom. He wonders if maybe Kyungsoo took the clothes that he had set out by accident and decided to put these out for Jongin instead. But the theory is proved false when he sees the original clothing folded and set on top of the dresser. Jongin decides not to think much of it and get dressed, the cold air from the air conditioner making his body shiver.

Kyungsoo looks at him with wide eyes and a bright smile when he walks out of the bedroom. “It fits you! Good. I was worried.” The last bit is breathed out against Jongin’s lips after a small kiss. “Do you like it?”

Jongin nods and laughs against Kyungsoo’s lips, teeth biting at his own bottom one. “Yeah but was there something wrong with my clothes?”

“Oh, no. I just wanted to see if these ones fit you is all.”

“Are they yours?” Jongin tilts his head and tugs on the shirt. “I don’t remember seeing these.”

Kyungsoo smiles and shakes his head. “No,” he says as he grabs Jongin’s hand. “they’re just an old friend’s who didn’t need them anymore.”

The odd feeling makes his stomach do a flip and his throat seize up. Jongin had met all of Kyungsoo’s friends. He didn’t have many, just enough. Yet he had never seen these clothes on any of them. Perhaps they were waiting in Luhan’s closet for a year and he just got sick of them. But Kyungsoo said it was an old friend’s so it couldn’t have been any of the people that Jongin had met. Perhaps he was simply thinking too much of it. They were clothes, nothing else. He just can’t shake the odd feeling in his stomach.

xxx

The first time they have sex is anything short of awkward. Not the bad kind of awkward but the good kind. Jongin’s ends up holding Kyungsoo’s legs in the wrong way and he gets a cramp. They both laugh and wait until it goes away. Jongin maybe comes a little too soon and Kyungsoo maybe a little too hard. Kyungsoo almost falls off the bed the second round, only catching himself by gripping onto Jongin’s arm as tight as he can. They both hit their heads on the headboard a few times while trying to change positions. Jongin likes to blame it on the twin sized bed that Kyungsoo has in his apartment. Even as rough and uncoordinated as it was, it was still amazing to him.

Kyungsoo is the one to fall asleep first. He curls up against Jongin, naked and warm from their body heat mixing together. His leg is hooked over Jongin’s hip, pulling him close and letting skin touch skin. Jongin smiles and plants small kisses along Kyungsoo’s arm, nuzzling it and breathing in his own smell. He thinks it’s much better than the expensive cologne that Kyungsoo sprays on himself every morning.

When the other untangles himself from against him, Jongin slides out of bed. He wraps the blanket around Kyungsoo to make sure he doesn’t get cold and leans down to press a kiss against his forehead.

The clothes lying around the floor make him decide to do laundry. Half of them are his and half are Kyungsoo’s and ever since Jongin started spending the night each weekend, he’s taken it upon himself to help with the chores. It was only fair since he was there the same amount of time as Kyungsoo was. The clothes are bunched up and held against Jongin’s chest and he makes his way to the laundry room.

Kyungsoo’s clothing isn’t hard to pick out from Jongin’s. They’re a little more casual, lots of dark colors, and comfy materials. Jongin’s are a little more formal, button ups and slacks. Though now most of his at home wardrobe is courtesy of what Kyungsoo gives him. More gifts from his old friend. He separates them according to color, remembering the one time he didn’t and how he ended up with an ugly blue and tanned color shirt that was originally white. It was a big surprise to Jongin when he went to grab his clothes for the day and discovered the dyed mess.

When Jongin tugs on one of his shirts, making it unbunch, he spots something on the tag that makes him stop. It’s slightly smudged but there’s something written on the tag of the shirt. Jongin pulls the shirt closer and squints his eyes. He makes out what the character says and his eyes widen.

“Baek?”

Jongin scrunches his nose up and sucks in a breath. He shakes his head and tosses the shirt in the pile with the other darks. It must have been a shirt Baekhyun left at Kyungsoo’s house and Kyungsoo probably didn’t realize it was his. Jongin presses his lips together as he shoves the clothes in the washer. He watches the black shirt as it tumbles along with the others.

Kyungsoo is still sleeping when Jongin walks back into the bedroom. He smiles, feeling his stomach flip at the sight of how peaceful Kyungsoo looks. They haven’t been going out for long, about half a year. Yet it feels like Jongin has know the other his whole life. He watched Kyungsoo turn from someone hurt and broken over loss to someone that smiles and laughs more than anything. Late night calls filled with crying and screaming for answered have turned into nights filled with kisses and bodies against one another.

He lets his cheeks heat up as his heart beats faster in his chest as he slides back into the bed. His body presses up against Kyungsoo’s and the other stirs in his sleep. Jongin wraps his arms around him, pulling him against his own body. Kyungsoo stretches out against him, eyes cracking open just enough to see his pupils. They both smile and share a gentle kiss before their eyes close.

xxx

Summer comes and goes faster than it should. Before Jongin’s ready, he’s lugging boxes and containers back to the familiar dorm room of his school. He sees too many known faces and there’s already people high and drunk. Jongin rolls his eyes and pulls his suitcase into his new dorm room. This year, he’s rooming with Chanyeol. It’s definitely better than rooming alone, he thinks.

Chanyeol’s things are already shoved onto his side of the room when Jongin looks around. He smiles and tries to stifle a laugh as he sees the box dedicated to Rilukkuma plushies. It’s typical of Chanyeol and he bets that there will be plushies lining his bed when he sets it up.

It takes the rest of the morning for Jongin to get his things unpacked. He makes his bed, making sure to set the stuffed dog that Kyungsoo got him at their recent trip to the arcade by his pillow. It stands up perfectly between the pillow and the wall and Jongin’s sure it’ll be a welcomed sight to see when he walks in after a long day. Next comes the bulletin and white boards. Jongin places one next to his bed, one by the door, and another over by his desk. He takes his time to pin up the many pictures and notes that Kyungsoo had sent him off with.

“Jongin!”

He turns around to see Chanyeol with a bright smile on his face. Jongin laughs and slides off the bed, holding his arms out as Chanyeol presses against him, hand patting his back.

“How are you? I barely saw you all summer.”

Jongin smiles and tucks his shirt in a bit more. “Good. Spent it all pretty much with Kyungsoo.”

“Ah, yeah, heard all about that.” His brows furrow and his head tilts. Jongin licks at his lips as he looks up at Chanyeol in confusion. “Apparently Kyungsoo talks to Luhan about you two all the time. Luhan tells Sehun and well, Sehun tells me.” Chanyeol laughs and lets his hand fall at the back of Jongin’s neck. “Don’t worry, It’s all great stuff. You two are really in love huh?”

At the mention of love Jongin blushes. It’s not the first time he’s thought about that word. That strong feeling that has been lingering in the pit of his stomach for the last few weeks. He smiles shyly and rubs his arm. Chanyeol only laughs and nudges his side.

“C’mon, I bet Luhan and Sehun are waiting for us at the usual spot already.”

Jongin nods and grabs his phone, shoving it in his pocket before jogging after Chanyeol.

Like Chanyeol had mentioned, Sehun and Luhan are seated against the fountain. Sehun has a cone of ice cream in his hand and Luhan has a milkshake. Jongin smiles, waving to the couple as he jogs over to them. Sehun laughs and gives him a high five, careful not to drop his ice cream or bump it into anything. Luhan hugs Chanyeol, body lifting off the ground slightly as Chanyeol squeezes around him.

Jongin learns that Sehun got a job at one of his favorite clothing shops in COEX. Luhan spent most of his summer volunteering at the animal shelter and spending it with Sehun when they both weren’t working. Chanyeol didn’t do much, as usual, and spent the summer relaxing and hanging out with Joonmyun occasionally. Jongin doesn’t have to explain his summer because all of them already know.

Luhan mentions love and Jongin feels the odd sensation in his stomach again. His cheeks heat up and he tries to laugh it off. But he knows that it’s not a laughing matter. It’s real but he’s terrified.

xxx

Friday nights are movie nights at Sehun’s dorm. It’s big enough for all of them and he’s the only one with a microwave for popcorn. Not to mention Luhan brought a projector so they don’t have to all try and squeeze in front of a laptop screen. They all sit along the beds. Sehun, Luhan, and Joonmyun on Luhan’s and Jongin, Kyungsoo, and Chanyeol on the other with Minseok on the floor stretched out.

Kyungsoo has his body leaning in Jongin’s arms, cheek pressed against his shoulder and ankles hooking over each other against the others. Jongin smiles every now and then when Kyungsoo looks at him and pecks his jaw. He gets popcorn thrown at him by Chanyeol but it’s worth it.

“We’re out of popcorn again. Who’s gonna make it this time?”

Sehun and Luhan both tap their noses and shout out that they’re not it. The others follow suit until it’s only Jongin and Kyungsoo left. They both laugh and look at each other, shaking their heads.

“Okay, okay,” Kyungsoo says as he slides off the bed, fixing his shorts and grabbing the empty bowl. “Baekhyun and I will get the popcorn.” He smiles and looks back at Jongin. There’s silence in the room at the mention of Baekhyun. Jongin’s eyes are wide and he knows that the others are too. Kyungsoo coughs and lets out a few laughs, wiggling the bowl in his hand. “Jongin, come on.” He reaches out and grabs Jongin’s wrist, tugging him off the bed.

xxx

The incident doesn’t go forgotten. Kyungsoo acts as if nothing happened but Jongin can’t forget it. He’s laid in his bed late at night several times in a row thinking about it. He knows there’s really nothing to think about. Kyungsoo simply said the wrong name. It had happened to him a few times, constantly calling Luhan Sehun and Sehun Luhan. It was normal to do. Only, Luhan and Sehun were both still alive and in the room. It’s been over a year since Baekhyun passed.

“I don’t know man, it’s weird,” Chanyeol says as they work on their homework one night. “It’s not like he called you Joonmyun or something. He called you Baekhyun, his dead ex.”

Jongin sucks in a breath, tapping his pencil against the desk. “It’s not the first time something weird like that has happened.” He stretches his legs out under the desk, letting his body lean back in his chair. “A couple months ago I found ‘Baek’ written on the tag of one of my shirts that Kyungsoo gave me.”

“Well that’s not too horrible, I guess. Maybe he mistook it for his own and didn’t know.”

“No,” Jongin says, eyes meeting Chanyeol’s. “He said it was his old friend’s when he gave it to me. I think he knew, Yeol.” A hand runs through his black hair, ruffling it up so his bangs fall in his face. “I don’t know, maybe I’m just overthinking it.”

“Have you talked to him about it?” Chanyeol rolls on his stomach, bead creaking softly as he wobbles on his elbows trying to adjust.

“I don’t really want to bring it up, you know? It’s really probably nothing. The last thing I want to do is get into a fight with him. Especially right now.”

Jongin doesn’t turn his head but he knows Chanyeol is smirking. He can feel it across the room and it makes his stomach flip. “You’re gonna confess to him, aren’t you?”

Suddenly Jongin regrets all the late night talks to Chanyeol about his feelings for Kyungsoo. Most of the time they end up with Jongin spilling all the happy memories they have together. He tells Chanyeol all the great things about Kyungsoo. How he always has coffee made for them in the mornings. How he helps Jongin cook when they don’t order fast food. When they cuddle the way Kyungsoo always wiggles his toes against Jongin’s ankle.

Chanyeol always laughs and tells Jongin to just confess to Kyungsoo already. Tells him that they’ve been going out for long enough that it shouldn’t be something to scare the other off. Especially because Kyungsoo seems to love him back. Chanyeol mentions how he sees the way Kyungsoo looks at Jongin when they’re together. It’s one of longing and sincerity. One that only comes with deep feelings. One that only comes with love.

“I think so,” Jongin says, cheeks turning red. “I think I’m ready and I think he’s ready too.”

The other slides off the bed and makes his way over to Jongin. There’s a hand on his shoulder and it squeezes gently. “Good lucky, buddy. Remember I’m always here if things get fucked up.”

Jongin whines and elbows Chanyeol in the stomach.

xxx

“Oh, it’s been so long since I’ve been here.”

Kyungsoo smiles and squeezes Jongin’s hand. They walk down an unfamiliar street. Unfamiliar to Jongin. Kyungsoo mentioned that he’s been here before. Only a couple times but it’s still more than Jongin. The date was Kyungsoo’s idea, as all of their dates were. Always places with previous memories. Jongin didn’t mind though. He knew that there would be new memories created. Ones with him involved.

They take a few more steps and then turn the corner and Jongin’s met with a large number of tents and the soft murmuring of conversation. Kyungsoo laughs and tugs on Jongin’s hand, pulling him into the mess of markets. Jongin feels his cheeks start to hurt from smiling as he lets Kyungsoo lead him into the many smells and sights.

“This market is only here during the fall. Only for a few weeks so we have to make the best of it!”

Jongin lets Kyungsoo drag him through the market, stopping at each tent to look through the things for sale. Some of them have candy and foods while others have clothing and other goods. They end up buying a few bags of sweets with all different kinds of shapes and sizes. Kyungsoo feeds Jongin a piece of sour candy that makes his cheeks shallow and his throat seize up. They laugh and Jongin feeds Kyungsoo a chocolate cherry, kissing him quickly after he pops the candy in his mouth.

They buy matching winter hats at an alpaca tent. Jongin’s is red and Kyungsoo is brown. They kiss each other several times as they try to take pictures of themselves. Jongin’s hand on the small of Kyungsoo’s back and Kyungsoo’s hand gripping Jongin’s jacket. After many failed attempts at a clear picture due to the kisses, they finally pull away and settle for leaning their cheeks against each other.

Jongin thinks there really isn’t a better time to confess than when they walk along the waterfront hand in hand. Kyungsoo has two of their bags and Jongin has the other hanging on his arm. Their stomachs are full from fish cakes and candy thanks to dinner.

“Kyungsoo.”

The other hums and turns his head to look at Jongin. He smiles and tightens his hand around Kyungsoo’s, feeling his heart beat stutter for a moment before returning to normal. Jongin sucks in a deep breath because this is it. It’s nerve-wracking and Jongin feels his palms become sweaty against his boyfriend’s. He thinks about different ways to say it. Possibly with a kiss and a smile. Maybe Jongin should have gotten him a gift, something to show his love. But as the thoughts run through his head, the confession comes out like a cough; quick and choppy.

“I love you.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes go wide and his fingers stop wiggling. Jongin watches as his shoulders rise in a deep breath, only lowering after a few seconds along with puffs of air into the cold night. It takes several seconds but then Jongin sees the heart shaped smile and pearl teeth. There’s arms wrapped around his shoulder and a warm body pressed against his own. Jongin laughs, face burying into the other’s neck, taking in the smell of cologne and laundry soap.

“I know you do,” is all Kyungsoo says, eyes sparkling and cheeks red. It doesn’t register that Kyungsoo doesn’t return the confession.

xxx

The feeling of love and happiness doesn’t last long. Jongin waits and smiles, hoping that every time he tells Kyungsoo that he loves him, the confession will come back it him. But it never does. All Jongin gets is a faint smile and a nod. He tries not to let it get to him. Perhaps Kyungsoo just isn’t ready. Jongin could have said it too soon. Though that theory fades away the next month.

Kyungsoo is curled up under him, head leaned back and lips parted. Jongin brushes his hair to the side, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead. A hand wraps around Jongin’s arm and eyes meet his. There’s silence as Kyungsoo reaches his peak. Then the name comes out as clear as a crystal.

“Baekhyun.”

Jongin stops all movement and he feels his chest tighten. Kyungsoo’s eyes widen and he shakes his head quickly. Words of explanation come pouring out of his mouth but Jongin’s already off of him and tugging his pants on. His boyfriend’s voice is drowned out by the own voices in his head. Jongin feels like the world is coming down on him. It’s the second time that Kyungsoo has called him Baekhyun, two too many. That along with all the other odd incidents that have been happening, Jongin finally lets it hit him, like a train.

“Why did you call me Baekhyun,” Jongin breathes out, hand running through his hair.

Kyungsoo’s eyes have worry in them and he reaches out to grab onto Jongin’s arm. “It was an accident, I swear.”

Jongin laughs and shakes his head, pushing Kyungsoo’s hand off of his arm. “Was it a mistake the last time too? Kyungsoo, we’ve been together for almost a year. You don’t just accidently call me Baekhyun.”

“Jongin, please-”

“Please what? Please forgive you and forget until it happens again? Forget that you take me to all the places you and Baekhyun went to? Forget that you have me wearing his clothes every day? Kyungsoo, do you know how it feels,” Jongin bites at his lip, shoulders tensing and eyes locking onto Kyungsoo’s. “to be called the name of your dead ex-boyfriend? ” And then the train finally passes over and Jongin can breathe again. It comes as a relief but it shortly turns into pain. “Do you even love me?”

He watches as Kyungsoo’s eyes lower and his chest rises and falls with a breath. “You’re just so much like him.” Kyungsoo takes a step forward and lets his hand run through his hair. “The way you talk. The way you hold me and kiss me. Everything,” he says in a breath, “you’re so much alike.”

Jongin realizes it then. He realizes that Kyungsoo has been trying to make him into Baekhyun. The clothes. The places. The memories. He’s trying to relive them. Perhaps in hopes of bringing him back. But Jongin is not Baekhyun. He is his own person. Jongin barely even knew Baekhyun.

“So you used me?” Jongin’s brows furrow and his breath hitches. “You used me to try and keep Baekhyun alive? What kind of bullshit is that, Kyungsoo?”

“You came so fast after him. Right there at the funeral,” Kyungsoo tugs his pants on, “You had that same innocent face like Baekhyun did when I first met him. I thought maybe you could be him.”

“This whole time,” Jongin shakes his head, hitting his hand against the wall. He sucks in a breath and closes his eyes. “This whole time you only liked me because I remind you of Baekhyun.”

“That’s not true,” Kyungsoo sighs with a frown. He takes a step towards Jongin, brows furrowed and lips parted. “I do like you, Jongin. I really do.”

“But not love, right? You don’t love me. You love Baekhyun.”

There’s no answer from Kyungsoo and Jongin takes it that he’s correct. He feels his chest tighten and tears begin to press against the corners of his eyes. It’s a painful feeling. He’s given so much to Kyungsoo and it could all be for nothing. Jongin grabs his shirt and pulls it over his head. He doesn’t bother to fix how it bunches up around his hip.

“Tell me you love me, Kyungsoo. Tell me that this last year wasn’t for nothing.”

Kyungsoo shakes his head. He curls his fingers up against his palm and sucks in a breath. “I’m really sorry, Jongin. I thought if I could make you into what Baekhyun used to be, I could fall in love with you.” He frowns and lets his eyes meet Jongin’s. “I’m not in love with you. I’m in love with the idea of you. The idea that you could be Baekhyun. If it’s any consolation though, you were the best idea I ever had.” He takes a final breath and lets it out slowly, “I’m sorry.”

xxx

Jongin gets his things delivered to him in boxes by Luhan the next weekend. Everything is packed tightly into them. Every piece of clothing that Jongin thought had been lost. All his part of the couple things they bought together. The pictures. The notes. Everything. Luhan tells him that Kyungsoo wants him to know that he really is sorry. Tells him that Kyungsoo still wants to be friends. Jongin doesn’t respond though and lets Luhan stand awkwardly as he tosses the memories in a bag.

“I probably wasn’t even his friend in the first place,” Jongin says as he breaks down the box. He kicks it against his bed and presses his lips tightly together. “I was just filling in for Baekhyun.”

Luhan swallows and rubs his arm, a small sigh coming from his lips. “Jongin, don’t you think you should give him another chance? It’s been a really rough year for him.”

Jongin slides on his bed. He grabs the pictures off the bulletin board, not caring that the tacks rip through the photo. They get thrown on the ground, some sliding along the floor and others floating onto the side of the bed. “He can be friends with someone else.” Luhan sighs, brows furrowing and forehead wrinkling. Jongin looks at him as he slides off the bed. “Just because his heart was broken, doesn’t mean he had to break mine.”

xxx

The mud is long gone when Jongin steps onto the grass. It’s no longer summer but the beginning of winter. The ground has hardened and there are leaves that crunch under his shoes. Instead of rain, it’s a chilly sun that makes his body shiver as the wind blows. Jongin adjusts the bag against his arm, trying to keep the blood flowing through it.

There are new flowers sitting on the gray tombstone. Jongin wonders if Kyungsoo left them there. Or perhaps one of Baekhyun’s family members or friends. He gently pushes them against the headstone, careful not to damage the flowers. Jongin kneels down, knees becoming cold against the frosted ground.

One by one, he places the bracelets and necklaces that he once wore against his skin. There’s letters with scribbled confessions of fondness that flutter under the weight of the jewelry. Jongin places one of Baekhyun’s old shirts down next to the flowers, the one with blue and white stripes.

“I am no comparison to you,” Jongin says as he folds the bag against his chest. “At least I could keep him happy for a while.”

Jongin feels his heart fall in his chest. He feels as if he’s the one that lost someone. Only it’s much worse because that person never really cared about him. He cared about who he could be instead of who he was. Jongin wipes the tear across his cheek with the back of his hand. It’s ironic, he thinks. A year ago he was standing in the same cemetery with tears falling from his eyes like they are now. Only today, he’s alone and with the person that Kyungsoo saw him as the whole time. The person Kyungsoo wanted.