(for everyone) Listen To Me
For: Everyone
Title: Listen To Me
Pairings: Kai/D.O
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 9,127
Warnings: A little bit graphic description of domestic abuse, unprotected sex, failfailfail smut
Summary: Kyungsoo hasn't spoken in a long time. It isn't until he meets Jongin that he remembers he has a voice waiting to be heard.
Author’s Note: Thank you to my guardian angels C and Y, who saved me from the horrors my last minute decisions cause. You angels are my salvation. To my recipient, you had interesting prompts and I hope I was able to give you just a little bit of what you wanted. This fic was slightly based on/inspired by the yaoi manga Kanashii (Itoshii) Kotoba.
With the sound of heavy downpour as his music, Kyungsoo fills the empty pages of his notebook with little scribbles. He fits words, as many as he can, in the spaces between his other writings, trying to fit them in a way no one can tell them apart. Only he can and only he will.
When Kyungsoo finishes writing, he stretches his slumped form and rests his back on the wooden chair. Kyungsoo watches as a small number of people scatter in the street, some seeking refuge while others walk like it is their haven.
"Excuse me, sir," a familiar voice to his side calls out. Kyungsoo turns in his seat to find the olive skinned waiter smiling down at him. "Would you like a refill?" The waiter gestures to Kyungsoo's empty coffee mug and it takes a while before Kyungsoo shakes his head and smiles at the waiter.
The waiter nods and smiles at Kyungsoo before leaving. Kyungsoo watches the man go, watches his confident gait back to the counter. A sigh leaves his lips, quiet breath fanning out as he watches the waiter go back to serving coffee.
Before his eyes can linger any longer, he turns back to his notebook and looks for an open space on the page he's on. He pouts when he finds none and with heavy fingers, he turns the page to work on a blank one.
Kyungsoo's frown deepens as he positions himself, bent over his notebook and his pen in hand. On the topmost left corner of his unlined notebook, Kyungsoo begins to write. His small handwriting covers only a small portion of the page as Kyungsoo cages them in so the lines are almost forming a rectangle.
The decreasing sound of rain has Kyungsoo looking up from his page. He turns to the window and watches the droplets slide down it before gazing at the light casting shadows against the clouds. He smiles when he sees light bathe the street and turns back to his writing, moving to fill a new part of the page.
In the afternoon, the olive-skinned waiter comes back and offers Kyungsoo another refill. This time when he smiles, Kyungsoo blushes and looks away, shaking his head as he buries himself with writing in his notebook. He fills the page with little writings before leaving the cafe. When he opens the door, he turns to catch a glimpse of the olive-skinned waiter on his way out.
The waiter meets his eyes and offers him a small wave of goodbye and Kyungsoo ducks his head down as he leaves the premises.
✎✎✎
"Kyungsoo!"
Kyungsoo looks up from the floor and meets eyes with his editor Baekhyun. He stands by Kyungsoo's apartment door with a bright smile on his face. With all the effort he can muster, Kyungsoo smiles back in greeting, opening the door wide enough so the both of them can go in.
"So," Baekhyun begins as Kyungsoo sheds his jacket, draping it over the couch in the small living room. "I've come to discuss the details of your autograph session."
At Baekhyun's words, Kyungsoo drops his bag on the floor. The thudding sound it makes echoes in the room and Kyungsoo turns to Baekhyun with horror painted on his face. Kyungsoo's mouth hangs open in silent protest and his hands raise in a pleading gesture. No words come out but he hopes Baekhyun understands what he's trying to say.
Baekhyun puts his hands over Kyungsoo's, gently pushing them away, and sits the writer down on the couch.
"Relax, Kyungsoo," Baekhyun whispers as he guides Kyungsoo to breathe in and out. "That's it. Deep breaths."
When Kyungsoo has calmed down, panic no longer that visible in every fiber of his being, Baekhyun lets go of his hands and continues. "Do you really not want to do the session?"
Kyungsoo shakes his head, his hair swishing side to side, and Baekhyun sighs.
"But this could be good for your new book, you know?" Kyungsoo just shakes his head as Baekhyun relents.
"Fine, I'll tell them you don't want to do it." Baekhyun reaches for his cellphone and makes a quick phone call. Kyungsoo sighs in relief and retrieves the bag he'd dropped on the floor, checking to see if his notebook had been damaged. Relief colors his face when he finds his notebook unscathed.
Baekhyun continues to murmur angrily into the receiver of his phone so Kyungsoo continues to peer inside his bag. When Baekhyun finally ends his call, his lips pursed into a thin line, Kyungsoo looks up and hands him a notebook.
Baekhyun looks at the green spiral notebook Kyungsoo handed him and the lines on his forehead disappear. He smiles at Kyungsoo, hands grabbing the notebook like they're gold.
"Is this a new story?" Baekhyun asks, his eyes widening and sparkling in excitement. Kyungsoo nods and awaits the cheers that he knows are going to come.
Baekhyun exclaims, his voice piercing the quiet apartment, and Kyungsoo smiles at the reaction.
"I'll go over this tomorrow," Baekhyun says, packing the notebook in his bag. "Have you already started typing it?" When Kyungsoo shakes his head, Baekhyun clicks his tongue but nevertheless smiles at him.
"Alright, I'll try and give this back to you tomorrow." With a nod, Baekhyun bids Kyungsoo goodbye, saluting with two fingers and exiting the apartment.
When silence has blanketed the apartment, Kyungsoo decides to go to his room so he can start working on his new book. Clutching his black notebook to his chest, he tries to remember the words he'd written in the notebook he'd handed to Baekhyun.
Inside his room, Kyungsoo finds his laptop sitting atop his desk, waiting for him to type whatever words lie about in his head. His fingers already anticipate the feeling of pressing down keys and he smiles as he drops his things on the bed.
Kyungsoo waits for his laptop to come to life as the words inside his head begin to overwhelm him. When the software opens, he doesn't waste even a second before he begins typing.
That night, he emails Baekhyun the first chapter of his book. It doesn't take Baekhyun long to reply. His email contains a few words of disbelief at how much Kyungsoo's words match the ones in his green notebook. Baekhyun tells him that he approves of the story and will wait for further installments.
Kyungsoo smiles to himself at his accomplishment. Before he goes to sleep, he grabs his black notebook and bends over his desk to write in as small space as possible on the page.
✎✎✎
Kyungsoo finds himself back in the cafe, eyes boring holes into the back of the tan waiter making him his coffee.
"Here you go, sir," the waiter says with a smile. Warmth spreads to Kyungsoo's cheeks and he nods in thanks. He hands the man his money before taking his tray to his seat at the corner of the cafe as fast as possible without spilling his drink.
When he looks up from drinking his coffee, Kyungsoo finds the waiter smiling at him and he almost chokes on the hot liquid. Kyungsoo thanks the heavens that he doesn't and he tries to calm his beating heart while he sets his mug down.
Ignoring the feeling of eyes on him, Kyungsoo takes out the laptop in his bag and proceeds to continue working on his new book. Before he begins writing, he steals a glance at the waiter one last time and finds him still smiling at him. The embarrassment that floods him makes him focus all his attention on the blank page of his laptop.
Kyungsoo looks up from his laptop when the sound of rain comes out of nowhere. He looks out the windows to find people once again looking for shelter. He smiles at the sight before looking back at the new chapter he's almost finished with.
"Here," a deep voice says and Kyungsoo whips his head to the side to find the waiter pouring him a refill on his mug. "You look like you need it." His smile reminds Kyungsoo of sunshine and the need to write settles itself on his fingertips.
Kyungsoo nods in thanks and looks away, fingers taking their place on his keyboard. He hears a chuckle to his right but when he looks to the sound, the waiter is already far from where he stood beside Kyungsoo. Shaking his head to focus, Kyungsoo continues typing, letting inspiration urge him to finish.
Darkness envelops the streets when Kyungsoo finishes typing. His wrists ache from their place on the keyboard and his fingers have gone stiff. He relaxes them as best as he can as he watches the waiter wipe some of the tables in front of him.
The sound of the door opening makes Kyungsoo turn his head to the entrance. He finds Baekhyun walking inside, and his editor smiles at him when their eyes meet. Baekhyun motions for Kyungsoo to wait in his table while he walks towards the counter.
"Kyungsoo! I'm glad you're still coming here," Baekhyun says as he settles on the seat opposite Kyungsoo. "Have you ordered anything new aside from your usual?"
Kyungsoo shakes his head and Baekhyun gives him a mischievous smile. "Do you want to try something new? I can order it for you if you want."
Kyungsoo thinks about it for a moment before nodding.
"Do you want me to pick or do you have something in mind?"
Kyungsoo looks at the counter from where he's seated and finds that he's unable to view the menu. He pouts and points to Baekhyun, gesturing for him to make the order. Baekhyun chuckles as he goes and orders for Kyungsoo.
With a sigh, Kyungsoo turns to look for the waiter who he finds is frowning at him. The look makes his heart race, unsure of what caused the expression to show up on his muse's face. As if finally sensing Kyungsoo's eyes on him, the waiter drops the frown and gives Kyungsoo a bitter smile.
Baekhyun comes back in that moment, putting down a frappuccino in front of Kyungsoo and cakes for the both of them. "Just tell me if you want to change your usual order and I'll tell them." Kyungsoo smiles up at Baekhyun, grateful for his offer.
Kyungsoo takes a tentative sip of his frappuccino and decides that nothing beats his usual Americano. He puts the cup down and reaches to taste the cake that Baekhyun got him.
"That's a cheesecake," Baekhyun tells him as he forks himself a piece of his own cake. "So what do you think?"
Kyungsoo thinks about it for a second before pulling out a small notebook. He writes as fast as he can and shows Baekhyun.
I'll keep to my usual Americano and glazed donut but can you tell them that I'd like to order this from time to time?
Baekhyun smiles and nods, as he goes to the counter and tells the tan waiter all about Kyungsoo's order. Seeing the waiter turn to him, Kyungsoo shifts his eyes to avoid his gaze, hoping the waiter doesn't think of him as weird.
When Baekhyun comes back, he hands Kyungsoo his green notebook and goes on to talk about his new book. Kyungsoo finds himself hanging onto the thoughts of his editor. He no longer finds it a bother to write down his replies like he did all those times ago.
It doesn't take long before Baekhyun gets up to leave, telling Kyungsoo how excited he is to receive the email of his newest chapter. Kyungsoo smiles at Baekhyun and watches him leave, ignoring the way that a pair of eyes seem to be watching his every movement.
When he looks to where he thinks the person is, he finds himself staring at the broad back of the tan waiter. The planes of it distract him for a second before he shakes his head. Thinking that it's the effect of staying all day in the cafe, Kyungsoo packs his things and readies himself to go home.
When he's by the door, he finds himself stealing one last glance at the waiter. What greets him is smiling eyes looking at him with an unknown warmth in them.
"Good night, Kyungsoo-ssi. See you tomorrow," the waiter says as the lights of the cafe cast a sort of halo on his black hair. Kyungsoo feels his face heat up to the highest temperature possible. He nods his head in reply before hightailing out of the cafe. He clutches his laptop bag close to his chest in hopes of calming his racing heart.
Before he sleeps, Kyungsoo frowns at the already-filled-to-the-margin page of his black notebook. But when he reads the words he had scattered all over it, the smile comes back and becomes a permanent fixture on his face until he falls asleep.
✎✎✎
The next afternoon brings no rain and Kyungsoo finds himself looking up when a shadow casts over him. The first thing he sees is the black apron draped over navy jeans. His eyes travel further up to find the white button down uniform lengthening the torso of his favorite waiter. When he looks up to face the waiter, there's a grin on his face ready to greet him.
Kyungsoo's cheeks color and he tries his best not to duck behind his laptop.
"These are for you," the waiter says. He places the same frappuccino from last night and a new kind of cake he has yet to try on the table.
Kyungsoo opens his mouth to try and say thank you but nothing comes out. He grimaces as he remembers his predicament before blushing and nodding in thanks. The waiter laughs as he pulls the chair in front of Kyungsoo and sits down.
The color drains from Kyungsoo's face as he watches with horror at the waiter sitting in front of him. He looks around the cafe to see if people have seen or if people are laughing. He finds that the cafe is almost empty save for the other staff at the counter.
"Do you mind if I sit with you?" the waiter asks, his smile the friendliest Kyungsoo's ever seen it. His heart skips a beat and he avoids the waiter's eyes as he shakes his head.
The waiter chuckles. "I'm Jongin by the way," he introduces and Kyungsoo nods, finding himself wanting to reply but unable to.
Kyungsoo looks up just the slightest and points to Jongin's chest, trying his best not to meet his eyes. Jongin follows the finger and finds himself looking at his name tag. A blush colors Jongin's cheeks and he chuckles as he realizes what Kyungsoo is trying to tell him.
"So I'm guessing you already know who I am," Jongin says and Kyungsoo nods, dropping his gaze back to the screen of his laptop. He feels as though his face is on fire.
"Are you sure you don't mind if I sit here?" Jongin asks, his tone filled with concern and Kyungsoo tries his best to assure Jongin that it's fine. Without a voice to help coax Jongin, he opens a new blank page on his laptop and types as fast as he can before turning it show Jongin.
It's really okay. I just have a hard time communicating with people. I'm sorry.
Jongin smiles at the message and Kyungsoo finds the small upturn of his lips to be a good look on his face. He releases a shaky breath as Jongin returns the laptop back to Kyungsoo, his fingers grazing Jongin's as he takes it back.
"I don't know," Jongin says a thoughtful look on his face. "You don't seem that bad to me." He gives Kyungsoo a teasing smile and, for some reason, Kyungsoo finds himself smiling at Jongin's words. He tries to say thank you but once again remembers he can't utter a sound. Out of reflex, Kyungsoo signs to Jongin instead.
For a moment, he watches surprise flicker in Jongin's eyes before he's smiling again. "You're welcome," he replies, his tone heartfelt. "Although, you'll have to forgive me as I only know thank you in sign language." He chuckles, rubbing his nape in embarrassment and the sight makes Kyungsoo giggle.
The soft sounds of Kyungsoo holding in his laughter filters around them. He can't remember the last time he had laughed in the presence of someone else. He tries to cover it with his fist as he finds Jongin look up at him in surprise.
"Wow," Jongin says as if transfixed.
Kyungsoo looks at him with questioning eyes and Jongin only shakes his head, eyes boring into Kyungsoo. "My break is going to end soon but I'd really like to walk you home, is that okay?"
Surprised by the invitation, Kyungsoo finds himself nodding. He watches a triumphant smile color Jongin's face as he gets up from his seat.
"See you tonight," Jongin bids and Kyungsoo only realizes what he's agreed to when Jongin's back at the counter.
Kyungsoo tries his best to continue working after that. No words come to mind, ready to spill out of him, when his fingers land on his keyboard. All he can think about is what the night has prepared for him and Jongin. Every time he thinks about it, he becomes unable to finish a sentence, much less a paragraph.
When he's finally given up, Kyungsoo realizes the cafe is getting ready to close. Filled with the panic of being a bother, he quickly packs his things. Once everything is in his bag, he stands up and moves to step out.
"Kyungsoo-ssi," Jongin calls out, already waiting by the door. Kyungsoo hears his heart pounding in his ears and he nods at Jongin in greeting.
"Do you live close by?" Jongin asks and Kyungsoo nods pointing in the direction of where he lives. "Okay then I hope you don't mind if I walk you home." Jongin smiles at him, brighter than the street lamps lighting up the night. Kyungsoo feels his heart rate quicken.
"Do you have Kakaotalk, Kyungsoo-ssi?" Jongin asks in the middle of their walk and Kyungsoo looks up, nodding his head a little too much. Jongin laughs and offers his phone to Kyungsoo. "That's great. Because I would love to know what you're thinking about sometimes."
Kyungsoo blushes as he shares his contact information with Jongin. He fishes out his own so that Jongin can do the same. He tries not to think about the black notebook in his bag filled with all the thoughts he's been holding dear.
Kim Jongin
I don't think you'd like to know what I think about everyday.
The notification echoes in the quiet night but the both of them don't seem fazed by the sound as Jongin opens the message. Kyungsoo turns to watch Jongin's reaction, his heart aching at the somewhat sad smile gracing his features.
Kyungsoo starts when his phone rings in his hand and he unlocks it to read Jongin's reply.
Kim Jongin
I don't think you'd like to know what I think about everyday.
I'm sure that whatever your thoughts are about, they are worth knowing.
When he looks up from his phone, Kyungsoo feels his heart swell at the soft smile Jongin gives him.
✎✎✎
Kyungsoo catches himself checking his phone every minute of the day even when it doesn't ring. The black screen of his phone greets him most of the time and he tries his best not to let disappointment overwhelm him as he goes back to working.
When his phone lights up, Kyungsoo grabs and unlocks it, his urgency shocking even to himself. He opens Jongin's reply to his message from before and he flushes as he types his own reply to it. It doesn’t take long before Jongin’s steering the conversation to something else.
Kim Jongin
Walk you home again today?
Kyungsoo feels his blush deepen as he types a reply.
Kim Jongin
Walk you home again today?
Okay.
The reply comes not a second later.
Kim Jongin
Walk you home again today?
Okay.
Are you blushing?
Kyungsoo looks up from his phone and sees Jongin watching him from the counter, a smirk on his face. Kyungsoo knows he looks like a tomato so he hides his face in his arms, hearing Jongin's laughter echo in the cafe.
The vibration of his phone coaxes him to escape his haven and he looks at the message, feeling his heart give out as soon as he reads it.
Kim Jongin
Walk you home again today?
Okay.
Are you blushing?
It's okay, you're cute.
Kyungsoo becomes occupied with exchanging messages with Jongin and almost forgets to accomplish his writing goals. When the cafe starts becoming busy during the later part of the day, Kyungsoo pours himself over his work. His inspiration comes to him like wildfire, fingers taking control and mind doing the rest of his work. It doesn't take long before he finishes and when he does, it's just in time for him to go home.
Jongin waits for him by his table, helping Kyungsoo pack up and opening the door for him as they go out. Kyungsoo has complained to Jongin many times that he isn't a girl that needs taking care of. Jongin just shakes his head and whispers in his ears.
"I like taking care of you."
The words send chills down Kyungsoo's spine and he shivers each time he remembers those words. He has learned to let Jongin do what he wants most of the time. He would rather not have to go through that predicament one more time and embarrass himself.
As they walk home, Kyungsoo thinks about the way it's so easy to type a message to Jongin. He's never had a person encourage him to reveal so much about himself. Because of his quiet nature, people have taken it upon themselves to talk Kyungsoo's ears off. Jongin's approach not only surprises Kyungsoo but also comforts him.
Kyungsoo didn't know he had so much to say until Jongin had urged Kyungsoo to tell him. He wonders for a moment what it would be like to talk, to be able to converse with Jongin. He pictures it in his mind, an image of him and Jongin talking.
He smiles at the thought.
Would you be happy if you were able to hear my voice? Kyungsoo finds himself typing. He looks to his side and finds Jongin gazing up at the stars. He smiles, his heart aching as he deletes the message.
✎✎✎
Kim Jongin
Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow?
Kyungsoo stares at the message on his phone. He glances at the counter and finds Jongin taking a customer’s order. He bites his lip as he thinks about his schedule.
Kyungsoo knows tomorrow's a Saturday which also means he'd usually be at the cafe typing like any other day. He stares back at the message until his eyes burn from keeping them open for a few seconds longer than they can handle.
It takes him a few minutes before he settles on something to reply.
Kim Jongin
Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow?
Why?
Kyungsoo doesn't need to look at the counter -he knows Jongin is watching him.
Kim Jongin
Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow?
Why?
I want to show you something. Please?
Kyungsoo bites his bottom lip and sighs, feeling himself relenting. He knows he would have given in sooner but something about going out with Jongin felt a little surreal that he couldn't just say yes.
Kim Jongin
Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow?
Why?
I want to show you something. Please?
Alright. Where and what time?
The reply comes faster than Kyungsoo expected and he jolts as his phone vibrates.
Kim Jongin
Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow?
Why?
I want to show you something. Please?
Alright. Where and what time?
I'll pick you up at your house at 9. Wear something comfortable. :)
Kyungsoo inhales and then breathes out slowly. His heart thunders in his chest and he can't think straight. Something about tomorrow makes him uneasy.
Before he knows it, tomorrow finds him wearing his favorite comfortable clothes. He checks himself out in the mirror a couple of times as he approves his choice of clothing for the umpteenth time.
When the doorbell rings at 9AM sharp, Kyungsoo bolts to the door and greets Jongin with a smile, a little breathless from the sprint.
Jongin stares at Kyungsoo for a few seconds, making Kyungsoo blush, before smiling down at him.
"You look great," Jongin whispers. Kyungsoo nods in thanks and whips out his phone to compliment Jongin as well.
"Thank you," Jongin replies as Kyungsoo locks his doors. "Ready?" When Kyungsoo nods, Jongin slides his hand down Kyungsoo's wrist to intertwine their fingers.
The movement makes Kyungsoo blush and he almost misses Jongin's questions because of it.
"Have you been to Lotte World?"
Kyungsoo shakes his head and the smile on Jongin's face blinds Kyungsoo as it broadens.
"Lucky for you, I'm taking you there." Jongin squeezes Kyungsoo's hand in his and something about the gesture warms Kyungsoo to his very core.
Kyungsoo smiles up at Jongin and lets the other lead him to wherever it is they're going. He's sure he'd let Jongin take him anywhere. He knows Jongin will only take him to places he will love.
Laughter and happiness greets Kyungsoo as he steps in the vicinity of the theme park. His eyes grow wider as he takes in the place as best as he can. A chuckle to his side and a squeeze on his hand takes him back to reality and he smiles sheepishly at Jongin.
Jongin shakes his head but smiles affectionately down at Kyungsoo. He squeezes Kyungsoo's hand one more time before leading him into the park.
Colors decorate the theme park and everything vibrant catches Kyungsoo's attention. He can't help it as he drags Jongin to stalls and rides like a bee that's attracted to a flower. By the time he's dragged Jongin to what he thinks is everywhere, he realizes just how childish he may have been acting.
As if sensing his insecurity, Jongin smiles down at Kyungsoo and pulls him close to his side.
"It's alright, you know?" he says as he walks Kyungsoo to the bumper car station. "I like seeing you have fun and laugh." Kyungsoo watches as Jongin's smile turns a little solemn before going back to their usual brightness.
It surprises Kyungsoo when Jongin tells him he wants to try going on the hot air balloons. Jongin has let Kyungsoo drag him all over the theme park and Kyungsoo only deems it appropriate that he allows Jongin his fill of fun. Despite the churning in his stomach at the thought of being so high up in the sky, Jongin's hand in his keeps him from running away.
Only a few people accompany them in the basket and Jongin makes sure to stay behind Kyungsoo at all times.
"To catch you if you fall," Jongin whispers in Kyungsoo's ear. Blushing to the tips of his ears, Kyungsoo rests his back gently against Jongin's chest.
The balloon goes up and Kyungsoo stumbles just the slightest, getting back on his feet with Jongin's arms on his side. In the position they're in, he can feel the rise and fall of Jongin's chest. The sound of his breathing is a gentle music to his ears and it makes Kyungsoo lightheaded.
"Kyungsoo, look," Jongin whispers just as Kyungsoo is about to close his eyes to let the sensation of Jongin overcome him.
Below them, the lights of the amusement park go on one by one. The sky illuminating the indoor park goes from bright sunlight to sunset orange. Kyungsoo has never seen a more beautiful sight than this before.
"Kyungsoo," Jongin murmurs and Kyungsoo turns, feeling Jongin's hands on his waist. The lights illuminate Jongin's face and he takes back what he said before. The small smile on Jongin's face as the lights of amusement park bathe him in their glow is the most gorgeous sight Kyungsoo has ever seen. When Jongin turns to meet his eyes, Kyungsoo sucks in a breath, Jongin's beauty absolutely blinding him.
"I love you," Jongin says and Kyungsoo feels his heart stop.
With no words, he does his best to reciprocate Jongin's feelings. He wraps his arms around Jongin, holding onto him as best as he can in their position.
"Does this mean you love me too?" Jongin asks with a chuckle as he allows Kyungsoo to fully turn in his arms. Kyungsoo knows Jongin's asking to tease him but he nods anyway, nods until his head aches and tears start forming in his eyes.
Jongin wraps his arms around Kyungsoo's waist and holds him close.
"I'm glad."
✎✎✎
It starts with fingers grazing the skin of Kyungsoo's arms. The feeling makes all the hair on his skin rise, sends tingles down his spine and makes his stomach churn.
When he looks up, Jongin's easy smile shines brightly down on him as he refills Kyungsoo's mug with coffee. Before Jongin walks away, Kyungsoo feels Jongin’s fingers run through his hair and it takes his breath away.
Kyungsoo has never been so intimately touched before and the feeling is so foreign he doesn't know what to think of it. It's not as if he doesn't like it, but the heat pooling in his stomach is unlike any other.
Holding hands with Jongin has turned into a habit Kyungsoo can't shake off. The feeling of Jongin's hand in his own makes him feel safe and as they walk home, he wonders what it would be like to fall asleep in Jongin's arms.
The tightening on Kyungsoo's hand draws him out of his thoughts and he turns to find Jongin's worry-filled eyes in front of him.
"What's wrong?" he asks, drawing Kyungsoo closer to his side so they can feel each other's warmth.
Kyungsoo just shakes his head, letting Jongin's arm wrap around his shoulders. He burrows himself to Jongin's side and warms himself from the cold. The walk to Kyungsoo's apartment is never long but it always seems to be cold.
By the time they reach Kyungsoo's door, Jongin no longer asks if Kyungsoo wants him to come in or not. Instead, he follows after Kyungsoo as he steps inside and locks the door after him. A fond smile graces Kyungsoo's features as he watches Jongin comfortably go about his apartment, like he belongs in it.
"Kyungsoo," Jongin calls out as Kyungsoo settles his things in his room.
Kyungsoo goes out and finds Jongin on his couch, patting the space beside him so Kyungsoo will sit on it.
"I was thinking," Jongin begins as Kyungsoo settles to his side, his arm bringing Kyungsoo closer as if on automatic. "Maybe we could stop using Kakaotalk and try something new."
The way Jongin's eyes sparkle under the lighting of the apartment draws Kyungsoo in, making him hang onto his words. Kyungsoo nods as he urges Jongin to continue what he was saying.
As it turns out, Jongin's filled with more than just one idea to spice up their communication, from handwritten notes to various games Kyungsoo didn't even know existed. Nonetheless, he smiles at Jongin and agrees to try all of them even if it takes them forever to try.
The greatest thing about Jongin is that he doesn't ask Kyungsoo why he doesn't speak or asks if he will ever be able to speak. It is also the worst thing about Jongin. Because if he doesn't ask, then Kyungsoo doesn't know how to tell him. Before he can wallow in his thoughts even further, a hand on his waist draws him out of it. He looks up to see Jongin's soft smile and in his eyes are all kinds of affection Kyungsoo has never seen. His heart melts and he throws all his insecurities away just for a while as he drowns in Jongin's love.
One day Kyungsoo will be able to tell Jongin all that he needs to know.
That day comes on the most unexpected of days.
After dinner at Jongin’s place, Kyungsoo finds himself in Jongin’s arms, lips against lips. The younger pulls Kyungsoo close as he leads him through the hallway and into his room. Kyungsoo hears the soft covers of Jongin's bed rustling as Jongin pushes him down. Jongin's lips are heavy on his as they work his mouth open. He can feel the warmth of Jongin's hands everywhere, sending warm ripples all over his body. It's not the first time Jongin's kissed him this passionately but it's the first time they've ever made it this far to the bedroom.
Kyungsoo shivers as Jongin lays him down on his bed, a hand on his head and the other on his waist. In his cloud of thoughts, Kyungsoo vaguely feels Jongin's fingers brushing the hem of shirt. The sensation of warmth on his stomach makes Kyungsoo gasp and then the panic begins to fill him. There's a finger tracing the soft skin of his torso and when it brushes against a bump on skin, he pushes Jongin away. The reaction shocks Jongin, pulling away to give Kyungsoo the space that he needs.
Panic embodies Kyungsoo as he pulls his knees to his chest, trying to hold himself together. The dip on his side tells him Jongin is close but not so close that Kyungsoo feels suffocated.
"I'm so sorry, Kyungsoo," Jongin says, voice filled with sincerity that Kyungsoo begins to hate himself. Kyungsoo shakes his head to somehow tell Jongin this isn't his fault. After all, it isn't. It's Kyungsoo's, his insecurities and his past.
"I'm sorry," Jongin repeats, softer this time and Kyungsoo cries because he can't tell Jongin, he can't find it in himself to speak and tell him that it isn't his fault.
It takes a while before Jongin envelopes Kyungsoo in his arms. Kyungsoo is glad for the safety that Jongin's arms hold and he lets himself immerse in the feeling, wishing nothing more than to be able to fix this problem he'd caused.
In the morning, Kyungsoo finds himself still in Jongin's embrace. Tear stains mar his face and they leave his face feeling taut. His heart aches at the sight of Jongin sleeping peacefully, a faint smile on his face. It's at that moment that Kyungsoo decides it's time for Jongin to know the truth.
Kyungsoo waits for Jongin to wake up, sitting on one of the chairs by the dining table. There are two mugs for coffee placed on the table and Kyungsoo has just finished pouring some in Jongin's mug when the tanned male walks out of the room.
Concern lines every feature of Jongin's face as he walks to where Kyungsoo is. He sits on the chair at the head of the table while Kyungsoo sits on his right. Kyungsoo pushes the mug of steaming coffee to Jongin.
"Are you alright?" Jongin asks, his tone careful and contemplative. Kyungsoo gives him a rueful smile as he pushes forward the black notebook Jongin has just noticed on the table.
Jongin’s eyes enhance the questions written all over his face but Kyungsoo knows deep inside Jongin understands.
"You want me to read this?" Jongin asks and Kyungsoo knows it's just to make sure. At Kyungsoo's nod, Jongin accepts the black notebook Kyungsoo offers.
Kyungsoo turns the pages to the last filled page and written on it is a letter to Jongin.
Jongin looks back at Kyungsoo, his eyes pricking with tears. "Did you write this today?" Kyungsoo nods and moves his seat closer to Jongin so he can hold his hand.
Jongin finally understands and he takes a deep breath as he reads whatever it is Kyungsoo needs to tell him.
Dear Jongin,
When I was 8, my mother had left my father and me. I no longer remember the reason. All I know is that my father never took to well to why my mother left.
My mother had a beautiful voice and when I was younger I was often told I sounded like her. Before she left, we'd often tricked my father with our voices, trying to make him guess who was who. He never did get it right.
I thought I could help him feel better if I comforted him with words just like my mom used to whenever he felt bad but the effect was the opposite. Hearing my mom's voice, something broke inside my father and that's when he first started to hit me.
At first it was only when I talked. Every time I asked him if he was okay, he would punch me in the stomach or kick at my legs. Eventually, I stopped speaking altogether.
One time my father got so drunk and he was so angry with my mother that the only way he could let it out was on me. He punched me and kicked me until I was black and blue. When I thought it had finally stopped, it turns out he just went to grab a knife.
I blacked out after the first slice. Next thing I know, I'm in the hospital with bandages all over my body and every single part of me aching.
Apparently my father had sliced me up pretty badly around the upper half of my body. I guess hearing me cry out in pain made him feel like it was my mother instead of me.
Some of my relatives took me in after that. But because I wasn't talking and refused to speak to anyone it became difficult for them to keep me around. Eventually, I got passed around until I could afford to live on my own.
The scars on my body are ugly. I don't want you to see them and be disgusted.
Kyungsoo watches as Jongin closes his notebook with a shaky hand. With a deep breath, Jongin lifts his head to face Kyungsoo. Seeing the look in Jongin's eyes makes Kyungsoo's knees weak and he approaches the younger to take away the pain in those eyes.
Jongin pulls on his hand and Kyungsoo lands on Jongin's lap.
"There's nothing I can do to change what happened to you," Jongin whispers, cradling Kyungsoo to him as best as he can while every fiber of his being shivers with anger. "But if there's something I can do now, it is to always be here for you, Kyungsoo. I am always going to be here for you."
Jongin continues to whisper promises and words of comfort to Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo feels his heart quake and he doesn't even realize he's crying until he feels the wetness on Jongin's shirt. It doesn't take more than a while for Jongin to cry with Kyungsoo, empathizing with his lover.
By the time they've both calmed down, Jongin pulls Kyungsoo to their feet. The smile on his face is a little lopsided and Kyungsoo knows his boyfriend's trying his best to be strong. Kyungsoo returns it with one of his own, trying to be just as strong as Jongin.
"Why don't we spend the rest of the day just cuddling?" Jongin's eyes twinkle and Kyungsoo nods, the idea of cocooning himself in Jongin's arms sounding like the best thing to do.
"Let's go."
They don't leave the bedroom until the next day. Kyungsoo stays wrapped in Jongin's arms until he wakes up with the sun greeting them the next day. It's a strange feeling that overwhelms Kyungsoo, waking up to Jongin's face radiated by the morning sun. But it's a great feeling, he thinks as he burrows himself in Jongin's warmth, waiting until Jongin opens his eyes.
One day, maybe, he'll be able to tell Jongin just how thankful he is for everything he's done.
✎✎✎
Kyungsoo knows there's a voice inside of him waiting to come out. He knows it's just a matter of time and of finding the right words to say for it pop. With all the love and support Jongin's showered him with, the feeling increases as days go by.
A burst of warmth and affection overcomes him at the sight of Jongin ushering him to sit down on the table so they can eat dinner. They're celebrating their anniversary and instead of going out, Jongin had offered to cook as his place.
The smell of food drifts to Kyungsoo's nose and he takes a seat to Jongin's right. There are a million thoughts going through Kyungsoo's mind as he smiles at Jongin who's putting all kinds of dishes on his plate. He thinks about how lovely Jongin looks, a content smile on his face as he urges Kyungsoo to eat. Kyungsoo thinks about wanting to spend the rest of his life seeing happiness shine in those eyes. Kyungsoo thinks about wanting to be able to show Jongin just how much he wants what he's thinking.
When they finish eating, Kyungsoo takes Jongin's hand in his and leads him to Jongin's bedroom. The heat pooling in his cheeks makes him hesitate but he doesn't stop walking, even as Jongin protests about the dirty dishes. Kyungsoo will make an exception today. The dishes will have to wait until tomorrow.
Kyungsoo sits Jongin down on the edge of the bed, a pleading look in his eyes. Kyungsoo watches as Jongin's adam's apple bobs up and down and he breathes out, straddling Jongin's thighs. He grips the fabric of Jongin's shirt in his hands and looks into Jongin's eyes. He can feel himself turning even redder as Jongin regards him with so much love in his gaze.
Jongin loosens Kyungsoo's hold on his shirt by placing his hands on them, massaging circles onto the back of his hand with his fingers.
"Are you sure?"
Kyungsoo doesn't take his eyes away from Jongin as he nods and Jongin takes in a deep breath, the sound echoing in the room.
The warmth of Jongin's hands on his waist jolts Kyungsoo and Jongin chuckles at the reaction.
"Relax, Kyungsoo," Jongin whispers, leaning down to kiss Kyungsoo on his forehead. "I'll take care of you."
Jongin circles his thumbs over the fabric of Kyungsoo’s shirt. The sensation intensifies the heat pooling between Kyungsoo’s legs. Jongin kisses him on the tip of his nose before reaching his lips. Kyungsoo can never get tired of the softness of Jongin's lips on his. He slides his hands up from Jongin's chest to his neck before tangling his fingers with Jongin's hair. He feels Jongin groan, the vibrations making him grind down against Jongin.
"So beautiful," Jongin whispers against Kyungsoo's lips as they pull apart. Jongin continues to kiss every bit of Kyungsoo's skin that he can reach, every touch leaving Kyungsoo breathless.
Jongin's warm hands find their way inside Kyungsoo's shirt and he shivers as Jongin slides them up his torso. A wave of insecurity makes him pull away and Jongin pulls back from where he's kissing Kyungsoo's collarbones.
"Do you want to stop?" Jongin asks, his breath heavy and pupils blown. His hands are still warm on Kyungsoo's skin and they send tingles to Kyungsoo's nerves.
Kyungsoo exhales and grips Jongin's shoulders tightly. He wants to do this, he really does. So he does his best to tell Jongin. He shakes his head as he leans forward to press his lips against Jongin's.
Jongin makes a surprised sound before responding to the kiss, allowing Kyungsoo to coax his mouth open. When Kyungsoo moans, Jongin proceeds to run his hands up and down Kyungsoo's torso, feeling the heat of his skin against his palms.
Jongin's hands on him feel like ice and fire at the same time and Kyungsoo doesn't know what feeling to focus on. It isn't until Jongin stops in his ministrations that Kyungsoo realizes the younger is asking him a question.
"Do you want to keep your shirt on?" Jongin's eyes have understanding shining in them, and even in the dark room it's clear just how much he holds Kyungsoo dearly. Kyungsoo shakes his head as he feels Jongin's fingers play with the hem of his shirt.
Jongin knows Kyungsoo's decision is final so he takes as a deep breath as he lifts Kyungsoo's shirt up, careful not to scare Kyungsoo away. Jongin nips on Kyungsoo's ears as he lifts his shirt, trailing soft and warm kisses down the side of his neck. Kyungsoo shivers at the feeling, his mind completely focused on the way Jongin's soft lips suck on his collarbone.
"Beautiful," Jongin keeps whispering as he changes sides. Before Kyungsoo knows it, Jongin has successfully taken his shirt off. He doesn't even have time to feel insecure about his scars as Jongin lies him down on the bed.
"I love you," Jongin says before he kisses Kyungsoo hard, his tongue slipping into Kyungsoo's mouth. Jongin's tongue curls around Kyungsoo's own and Kyungsoo tries to keep up with Jongin's pace. It doesn't take long before he's relinquishing control and allows Jongin to lick and suck every inch of his tongue.
When Jongin pulls away, it's only to take his shirt off, and Kyungsoo watches the moonlight cast a silhouette on Jongin's body. Jongin smirks at Kyungsoo, teasing him and making him flush, the blotches of red striking against his pale skin.
With the light of the moon, Kyungsoo knows Jongin will be able to see his scars and he closes his eyes, not wanting to see disgust or pity in them.
"Open your eyes, Kyungsoo," Jongin whispers and it takes every bit of strength Kyungsoo has to follow. When he opens them, all he sees is love in Jongin's eyes. With those eyes, Jongin takes in the look of Kyungsoo debauched on his bed. The intensity of his gaze lights a flame inside of Kyungsoo.
"You're so beautiful, Kyungsoo," Jongin says, his voice echoing in the room and in Kyungsoo's mind. It echoes until his heart hears and understands. He doesn't realize tears are pooling in his eyes until Jongin kisses them away. It doesn't take long before the tears stop, and Kyungsoo is gasping because Jongin is kissing every bit of skin on his body.
Kyungsoo has memorized the places where scars mark his body and when Jongin kisses each and everyone of them, something in him goes blank. It takes a while before he realizes that Jongin has been complimenting him over and over after every kiss on his scars. Jongin's words topple over in his head and he realizes that they're one different compliment after another.
"You're so strong, Kyungsoo," Jongin says as he finishes showering Kyungsoo with all the affection he can offer. "You're perfect."
Kyungsoo wishes he could tell Jongin how thankful he is for the compliments Jongin showers him with. Because he can't, he puts a hand on Jongin's arm and brings him back up, bringing him down so he can press his lips against Jongin's mouth. He hopes he can send the message across, transfer his feelings into the kiss.
As he coaxes Jongin's mouth open, Kyungsoo feels the younger's hands travel down his body. Kyungsoo pulls away and groans when Jongin palms his erection. It makes him see stars and he urges Jongin to continue what he's doing.
Jongin smirks down at Kyungsoo as he does his best to untangle Kyungsoo's belt. Kyungsoo helps Jongin unbuckle and loosen his pants. When Kyungsoo's pants and underwear are off, Jongin lies Kyungsoo down and gives him a once over.
Kyungsoo bites his lip as he presents himself to Jongin. He can hear his heart pounding, the sound like thunder in his ears. Before Jongin can take too long, he whines and tugs on Jongin's pants. Kyungsoo's thankful that Jongin didn't wear a belt. It takes no more than a second for Kyungsoo to unbutton Jongin's jeans and Jongin helps Kyungsoo in sliding them down.
Kyungsoo's eye go wider than usual at the sight of Jongin's arousal. He swallows. Jongin chuckles, urging him to relax and promising that he'll be gentle.
Kyungsoo moves to hold Jongin's length in his hands but Jongin pins his hands down on the bed, shaking his head. "Not tonight," Jongin whispers, planting open mouth kisses on Kyungsoo's wrist. "Tonight, it's all about you."
With one hand, Jongin holds Kyungsoo's arms above his head. He uses his free hand to stroke Kyungsoo's cock, eliciting quiet moans and groans from his lover.
The heat that envelopes Kyungsoo's cock makes him jolt and it takes him a while to realize that his cock head is inside Jongin's mouth. He can feel Jongin's fingers grip at the base as Jongin takes him in further inside. He watches Jongin hollow his cheeks and suck before he's gripping the sheets of Jongin's bed. Jongin tugs and sucks like Kyungsoo never knew was possible.
Kyungsoo finds himself tugging on Jongin's locks as the feeling of something overwhelming hits him. Jongin pulls away just before the feeling topples over and he pants with the feeling of coming close but not quite.
"That was quite a grip," Jongin laughs as he holds Kyungsoo's hand in his, taking it away from his hair. He winces slightly but assures Kyungsoo he's alright as he leans down. "You were about to cum, weren't you?"
Kyungsoo whines as Jongin's fingers graze the skin of cock. "Don't worry, I'll make you feel even better."
Jongin moves to reach for his bedside table drawer, plucking something out of it after a few seconds of fumbling. Kyungsoo watches as Jongin procures a bottle filled with clear liquid. It looks new and unused as Jongin opens the cap and coats his fingers with it.
"Spread your legs," Jongin commands, voice soft and easily persuading Kyungsoo to follow.
Kyungsoo gasps at the cold feeling of Jongin's coated fingers circling his entrance. Jongin nips on Kyungsoo's earlobe to distract him as he slowly inserts one finger inside Kyungsoo. Jongin moves to stroke Kyungsoo's arousal as he slides his finger back and forth.
When Jongin adds a second finger, Kyungsoo opens his mouth in a silent scream as the pain starts to register. Jongin mends this as best as he can by sucking marks on the inside of Kyungsoo's thighs and stroking Kyungsoo's cock. Jongin cranes his fingers as he feels for Kyungsoo's prostate. Kyungsoo startles when he feels Jongin press down in an area he'd never known existed. He hears Jongin mutter something under his breath as he continues to press down on that spot that makes Kyungsoo see stars. The feeling makes Kyungsoo shudder and before he knows it, Jongin’s adding a third finger, stretching Kyungsoo as best as he can.
When Jongin deems Kyungsoo ready, he coats his cock with a large amount of lube and presses against Kyungsoo as gently as he can.
"Relax," Jongin whispers as he kisses the side of Kyungsoo's neck, up his jaw and then his lips. Inch by inch, Kyungsoo feels himself stretch to let Jongin in. The burn blinds him but he focuses on the feeling of Jongin's lips and tongue all over his mouth to forget about the pain.
It feels like forever before Jongin stops moving and Kyungsoo opens his eyes to find Jongin giving him an apologetic smile. He leans up and kisses the corner of his lips to tell him it’s okay, that he’s okay. He can feel Jongin inside of him and a burst of warmth and affection spreads throughout him as he realizes how far they’ve come. The realization makes him grip Jongin’s arm as he tells Jongin in his own way that it’s okay to move. Jongin presses his lips against Kyungsoo, a soft touch of the lips as he pulls back.
Jongin sets a slow rhythm as his pace, allowing Kyungsoo time to adjust to the foreign feeling of Jongin inside of him. When Kyungsoo starts gripping tightly on Jongin's forearms, his mouth open in a silent plea, Jongin knows to set his pace faster.
On a particularly fast and hard thrust, Kyungsoo keens, the sound loud and echoing in the room. It's the first time Jongin's ever heard Kyungsoo utter a real sound and he does his best to pull all the sounds he can out of Kyungsoo. He thrusts in as hard and fast as he can, much like the first time, and Kyungsoo moans. Jongin gets drunk on those sounds as he sets a steady pace.
Kyungsoo moans as loud as he can once the feeling of coming close comes back and this time Jongin strokes his cock to get him there faster. Kyungsoo shudders and comes all over Jongin's hands. He feels himself tighten around Jongin's cock and it doesn't take long before Jongin is coming inside of him. The feeling of Jongin's warm liquid inside of him makes Kyungsoo feel full and he smiles up at his lover as he drags him down for a lazy kiss.
"I love you, Kyungsoo," Jongin whispers, lips sliding against his own as he says them. Kyungsoo nods, locking Jongin in his embrace and pulling him to his side.
Kyungsoo nuzzles the side of Jongin's neck and tries to show Jongin his reply. He closes his eyes and lets the warmth of Jongin's body wrap itself around him like a blanket, lulling him to sleep.
When Kyungsoo comes to, he finds Jongin's sleeping face in front of him. He remembers the feeling of a warm wash cloth wiping him down and he flushes as he realizes he must have fallen asleep after he and Jongin made love. His flush deepens as he feels an arm loosely wrapped around his waist and an ache in his lower back that he can't ignore.
Kyungsoo notices the sun filtering through the room. He watches as the lights dance on Jongin's face, casting shadows against it, and he thinks it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that he's happy being able to stay by Jongin's side.
He burrows himself in Jongin's embrace, careful not to add to the pain in his lower back. With a finger, he traces the lights that outline Jongin's face and smiles to himself. Something inside him tells him it's the perfect moment.
Jongin's eyes flutter for a second and Kyungsoo knows he's on the brink of waking up. He hovers his fingers over them, watching them squeeze shut before blinking open.
Kyungsoo smiles and takes a deep breath.
"Jongin," Kyungsoo says, his voice soft and hoarse. It's a sound that's foreign even to him. "I love you."
Title: Listen To Me
Pairings: Kai/D.O
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 9,127
Warnings: A little bit graphic description of domestic abuse, unprotected sex, failfailfail smut
Summary: Kyungsoo hasn't spoken in a long time. It isn't until he meets Jongin that he remembers he has a voice waiting to be heard.
Author’s Note: Thank you to my guardian angels C and Y, who saved me from the horrors my last minute decisions cause. You angels are my salvation. To my recipient, you had interesting prompts and I hope I was able to give you just a little bit of what you wanted. This fic was slightly based on/inspired by the yaoi manga Kanashii (Itoshii) Kotoba.
With the sound of heavy downpour as his music, Kyungsoo fills the empty pages of his notebook with little scribbles. He fits words, as many as he can, in the spaces between his other writings, trying to fit them in a way no one can tell them apart. Only he can and only he will.
When Kyungsoo finishes writing, he stretches his slumped form and rests his back on the wooden chair. Kyungsoo watches as a small number of people scatter in the street, some seeking refuge while others walk like it is their haven.
"Excuse me, sir," a familiar voice to his side calls out. Kyungsoo turns in his seat to find the olive skinned waiter smiling down at him. "Would you like a refill?" The waiter gestures to Kyungsoo's empty coffee mug and it takes a while before Kyungsoo shakes his head and smiles at the waiter.
The waiter nods and smiles at Kyungsoo before leaving. Kyungsoo watches the man go, watches his confident gait back to the counter. A sigh leaves his lips, quiet breath fanning out as he watches the waiter go back to serving coffee.
Before his eyes can linger any longer, he turns back to his notebook and looks for an open space on the page he's on. He pouts when he finds none and with heavy fingers, he turns the page to work on a blank one.
Kyungsoo's frown deepens as he positions himself, bent over his notebook and his pen in hand. On the topmost left corner of his unlined notebook, Kyungsoo begins to write. His small handwriting covers only a small portion of the page as Kyungsoo cages them in so the lines are almost forming a rectangle.
The decreasing sound of rain has Kyungsoo looking up from his page. He turns to the window and watches the droplets slide down it before gazing at the light casting shadows against the clouds. He smiles when he sees light bathe the street and turns back to his writing, moving to fill a new part of the page.
In the afternoon, the olive-skinned waiter comes back and offers Kyungsoo another refill. This time when he smiles, Kyungsoo blushes and looks away, shaking his head as he buries himself with writing in his notebook. He fills the page with little writings before leaving the cafe. When he opens the door, he turns to catch a glimpse of the olive-skinned waiter on his way out.
The waiter meets his eyes and offers him a small wave of goodbye and Kyungsoo ducks his head down as he leaves the premises.
✎✎✎
"Kyungsoo!"
Kyungsoo looks up from the floor and meets eyes with his editor Baekhyun. He stands by Kyungsoo's apartment door with a bright smile on his face. With all the effort he can muster, Kyungsoo smiles back in greeting, opening the door wide enough so the both of them can go in.
"So," Baekhyun begins as Kyungsoo sheds his jacket, draping it over the couch in the small living room. "I've come to discuss the details of your autograph session."
At Baekhyun's words, Kyungsoo drops his bag on the floor. The thudding sound it makes echoes in the room and Kyungsoo turns to Baekhyun with horror painted on his face. Kyungsoo's mouth hangs open in silent protest and his hands raise in a pleading gesture. No words come out but he hopes Baekhyun understands what he's trying to say.
Baekhyun puts his hands over Kyungsoo's, gently pushing them away, and sits the writer down on the couch.
"Relax, Kyungsoo," Baekhyun whispers as he guides Kyungsoo to breathe in and out. "That's it. Deep breaths."
When Kyungsoo has calmed down, panic no longer that visible in every fiber of his being, Baekhyun lets go of his hands and continues. "Do you really not want to do the session?"
Kyungsoo shakes his head, his hair swishing side to side, and Baekhyun sighs.
"But this could be good for your new book, you know?" Kyungsoo just shakes his head as Baekhyun relents.
"Fine, I'll tell them you don't want to do it." Baekhyun reaches for his cellphone and makes a quick phone call. Kyungsoo sighs in relief and retrieves the bag he'd dropped on the floor, checking to see if his notebook had been damaged. Relief colors his face when he finds his notebook unscathed.
Baekhyun continues to murmur angrily into the receiver of his phone so Kyungsoo continues to peer inside his bag. When Baekhyun finally ends his call, his lips pursed into a thin line, Kyungsoo looks up and hands him a notebook.
Baekhyun looks at the green spiral notebook Kyungsoo handed him and the lines on his forehead disappear. He smiles at Kyungsoo, hands grabbing the notebook like they're gold.
"Is this a new story?" Baekhyun asks, his eyes widening and sparkling in excitement. Kyungsoo nods and awaits the cheers that he knows are going to come.
Baekhyun exclaims, his voice piercing the quiet apartment, and Kyungsoo smiles at the reaction.
"I'll go over this tomorrow," Baekhyun says, packing the notebook in his bag. "Have you already started typing it?" When Kyungsoo shakes his head, Baekhyun clicks his tongue but nevertheless smiles at him.
"Alright, I'll try and give this back to you tomorrow." With a nod, Baekhyun bids Kyungsoo goodbye, saluting with two fingers and exiting the apartment.
When silence has blanketed the apartment, Kyungsoo decides to go to his room so he can start working on his new book. Clutching his black notebook to his chest, he tries to remember the words he'd written in the notebook he'd handed to Baekhyun.
Inside his room, Kyungsoo finds his laptop sitting atop his desk, waiting for him to type whatever words lie about in his head. His fingers already anticipate the feeling of pressing down keys and he smiles as he drops his things on the bed.
Kyungsoo waits for his laptop to come to life as the words inside his head begin to overwhelm him. When the software opens, he doesn't waste even a second before he begins typing.
That night, he emails Baekhyun the first chapter of his book. It doesn't take Baekhyun long to reply. His email contains a few words of disbelief at how much Kyungsoo's words match the ones in his green notebook. Baekhyun tells him that he approves of the story and will wait for further installments.
Kyungsoo smiles to himself at his accomplishment. Before he goes to sleep, he grabs his black notebook and bends over his desk to write in as small space as possible on the page.
✎✎✎
Kyungsoo finds himself back in the cafe, eyes boring holes into the back of the tan waiter making him his coffee.
"Here you go, sir," the waiter says with a smile. Warmth spreads to Kyungsoo's cheeks and he nods in thanks. He hands the man his money before taking his tray to his seat at the corner of the cafe as fast as possible without spilling his drink.
When he looks up from drinking his coffee, Kyungsoo finds the waiter smiling at him and he almost chokes on the hot liquid. Kyungsoo thanks the heavens that he doesn't and he tries to calm his beating heart while he sets his mug down.
Ignoring the feeling of eyes on him, Kyungsoo takes out the laptop in his bag and proceeds to continue working on his new book. Before he begins writing, he steals a glance at the waiter one last time and finds him still smiling at him. The embarrassment that floods him makes him focus all his attention on the blank page of his laptop.
Kyungsoo looks up from his laptop when the sound of rain comes out of nowhere. He looks out the windows to find people once again looking for shelter. He smiles at the sight before looking back at the new chapter he's almost finished with.
"Here," a deep voice says and Kyungsoo whips his head to the side to find the waiter pouring him a refill on his mug. "You look like you need it." His smile reminds Kyungsoo of sunshine and the need to write settles itself on his fingertips.
Kyungsoo nods in thanks and looks away, fingers taking their place on his keyboard. He hears a chuckle to his right but when he looks to the sound, the waiter is already far from where he stood beside Kyungsoo. Shaking his head to focus, Kyungsoo continues typing, letting inspiration urge him to finish.
Darkness envelops the streets when Kyungsoo finishes typing. His wrists ache from their place on the keyboard and his fingers have gone stiff. He relaxes them as best as he can as he watches the waiter wipe some of the tables in front of him.
The sound of the door opening makes Kyungsoo turn his head to the entrance. He finds Baekhyun walking inside, and his editor smiles at him when their eyes meet. Baekhyun motions for Kyungsoo to wait in his table while he walks towards the counter.
"Kyungsoo! I'm glad you're still coming here," Baekhyun says as he settles on the seat opposite Kyungsoo. "Have you ordered anything new aside from your usual?"
Kyungsoo shakes his head and Baekhyun gives him a mischievous smile. "Do you want to try something new? I can order it for you if you want."
Kyungsoo thinks about it for a moment before nodding.
"Do you want me to pick or do you have something in mind?"
Kyungsoo looks at the counter from where he's seated and finds that he's unable to view the menu. He pouts and points to Baekhyun, gesturing for him to make the order. Baekhyun chuckles as he goes and orders for Kyungsoo.
With a sigh, Kyungsoo turns to look for the waiter who he finds is frowning at him. The look makes his heart race, unsure of what caused the expression to show up on his muse's face. As if finally sensing Kyungsoo's eyes on him, the waiter drops the frown and gives Kyungsoo a bitter smile.
Baekhyun comes back in that moment, putting down a frappuccino in front of Kyungsoo and cakes for the both of them. "Just tell me if you want to change your usual order and I'll tell them." Kyungsoo smiles up at Baekhyun, grateful for his offer.
Kyungsoo takes a tentative sip of his frappuccino and decides that nothing beats his usual Americano. He puts the cup down and reaches to taste the cake that Baekhyun got him.
"That's a cheesecake," Baekhyun tells him as he forks himself a piece of his own cake. "So what do you think?"
Kyungsoo thinks about it for a second before pulling out a small notebook. He writes as fast as he can and shows Baekhyun.
I'll keep to my usual Americano and glazed donut but can you tell them that I'd like to order this from time to time?
Baekhyun smiles and nods, as he goes to the counter and tells the tan waiter all about Kyungsoo's order. Seeing the waiter turn to him, Kyungsoo shifts his eyes to avoid his gaze, hoping the waiter doesn't think of him as weird.
When Baekhyun comes back, he hands Kyungsoo his green notebook and goes on to talk about his new book. Kyungsoo finds himself hanging onto the thoughts of his editor. He no longer finds it a bother to write down his replies like he did all those times ago.
It doesn't take long before Baekhyun gets up to leave, telling Kyungsoo how excited he is to receive the email of his newest chapter. Kyungsoo smiles at Baekhyun and watches him leave, ignoring the way that a pair of eyes seem to be watching his every movement.
When he looks to where he thinks the person is, he finds himself staring at the broad back of the tan waiter. The planes of it distract him for a second before he shakes his head. Thinking that it's the effect of staying all day in the cafe, Kyungsoo packs his things and readies himself to go home.
When he's by the door, he finds himself stealing one last glance at the waiter. What greets him is smiling eyes looking at him with an unknown warmth in them.
"Good night, Kyungsoo-ssi. See you tomorrow," the waiter says as the lights of the cafe cast a sort of halo on his black hair. Kyungsoo feels his face heat up to the highest temperature possible. He nods his head in reply before hightailing out of the cafe. He clutches his laptop bag close to his chest in hopes of calming his racing heart.
Before he sleeps, Kyungsoo frowns at the already-filled-to-the-margin page of his black notebook. But when he reads the words he had scattered all over it, the smile comes back and becomes a permanent fixture on his face until he falls asleep.
✎✎✎
The next afternoon brings no rain and Kyungsoo finds himself looking up when a shadow casts over him. The first thing he sees is the black apron draped over navy jeans. His eyes travel further up to find the white button down uniform lengthening the torso of his favorite waiter. When he looks up to face the waiter, there's a grin on his face ready to greet him.
Kyungsoo's cheeks color and he tries his best not to duck behind his laptop.
"These are for you," the waiter says. He places the same frappuccino from last night and a new kind of cake he has yet to try on the table.
Kyungsoo opens his mouth to try and say thank you but nothing comes out. He grimaces as he remembers his predicament before blushing and nodding in thanks. The waiter laughs as he pulls the chair in front of Kyungsoo and sits down.
The color drains from Kyungsoo's face as he watches with horror at the waiter sitting in front of him. He looks around the cafe to see if people have seen or if people are laughing. He finds that the cafe is almost empty save for the other staff at the counter.
"Do you mind if I sit with you?" the waiter asks, his smile the friendliest Kyungsoo's ever seen it. His heart skips a beat and he avoids the waiter's eyes as he shakes his head.
The waiter chuckles. "I'm Jongin by the way," he introduces and Kyungsoo nods, finding himself wanting to reply but unable to.
Kyungsoo looks up just the slightest and points to Jongin's chest, trying his best not to meet his eyes. Jongin follows the finger and finds himself looking at his name tag. A blush colors Jongin's cheeks and he chuckles as he realizes what Kyungsoo is trying to tell him.
"So I'm guessing you already know who I am," Jongin says and Kyungsoo nods, dropping his gaze back to the screen of his laptop. He feels as though his face is on fire.
"Are you sure you don't mind if I sit here?" Jongin asks, his tone filled with concern and Kyungsoo tries his best to assure Jongin that it's fine. Without a voice to help coax Jongin, he opens a new blank page on his laptop and types as fast as he can before turning it show Jongin.
It's really okay. I just have a hard time communicating with people. I'm sorry.
Jongin smiles at the message and Kyungsoo finds the small upturn of his lips to be a good look on his face. He releases a shaky breath as Jongin returns the laptop back to Kyungsoo, his fingers grazing Jongin's as he takes it back.
"I don't know," Jongin says a thoughtful look on his face. "You don't seem that bad to me." He gives Kyungsoo a teasing smile and, for some reason, Kyungsoo finds himself smiling at Jongin's words. He tries to say thank you but once again remembers he can't utter a sound. Out of reflex, Kyungsoo signs to Jongin instead.
For a moment, he watches surprise flicker in Jongin's eyes before he's smiling again. "You're welcome," he replies, his tone heartfelt. "Although, you'll have to forgive me as I only know thank you in sign language." He chuckles, rubbing his nape in embarrassment and the sight makes Kyungsoo giggle.
The soft sounds of Kyungsoo holding in his laughter filters around them. He can't remember the last time he had laughed in the presence of someone else. He tries to cover it with his fist as he finds Jongin look up at him in surprise.
"Wow," Jongin says as if transfixed.
Kyungsoo looks at him with questioning eyes and Jongin only shakes his head, eyes boring into Kyungsoo. "My break is going to end soon but I'd really like to walk you home, is that okay?"
Surprised by the invitation, Kyungsoo finds himself nodding. He watches a triumphant smile color Jongin's face as he gets up from his seat.
"See you tonight," Jongin bids and Kyungsoo only realizes what he's agreed to when Jongin's back at the counter.
Kyungsoo tries his best to continue working after that. No words come to mind, ready to spill out of him, when his fingers land on his keyboard. All he can think about is what the night has prepared for him and Jongin. Every time he thinks about it, he becomes unable to finish a sentence, much less a paragraph.
When he's finally given up, Kyungsoo realizes the cafe is getting ready to close. Filled with the panic of being a bother, he quickly packs his things. Once everything is in his bag, he stands up and moves to step out.
"Kyungsoo-ssi," Jongin calls out, already waiting by the door. Kyungsoo hears his heart pounding in his ears and he nods at Jongin in greeting.
"Do you live close by?" Jongin asks and Kyungsoo nods pointing in the direction of where he lives. "Okay then I hope you don't mind if I walk you home." Jongin smiles at him, brighter than the street lamps lighting up the night. Kyungsoo feels his heart rate quicken.
"Do you have Kakaotalk, Kyungsoo-ssi?" Jongin asks in the middle of their walk and Kyungsoo looks up, nodding his head a little too much. Jongin laughs and offers his phone to Kyungsoo. "That's great. Because I would love to know what you're thinking about sometimes."
Kyungsoo blushes as he shares his contact information with Jongin. He fishes out his own so that Jongin can do the same. He tries not to think about the black notebook in his bag filled with all the thoughts he's been holding dear.
Kim Jongin
I don't think you'd like to know what I think about everyday.
The notification echoes in the quiet night but the both of them don't seem fazed by the sound as Jongin opens the message. Kyungsoo turns to watch Jongin's reaction, his heart aching at the somewhat sad smile gracing his features.
Kyungsoo starts when his phone rings in his hand and he unlocks it to read Jongin's reply.
Kim Jongin
I don't think you'd like to know what I think about everyday.
I'm sure that whatever your thoughts are about, they are worth knowing.
When he looks up from his phone, Kyungsoo feels his heart swell at the soft smile Jongin gives him.
✎✎✎
Kyungsoo catches himself checking his phone every minute of the day even when it doesn't ring. The black screen of his phone greets him most of the time and he tries his best not to let disappointment overwhelm him as he goes back to working.
When his phone lights up, Kyungsoo grabs and unlocks it, his urgency shocking even to himself. He opens Jongin's reply to his message from before and he flushes as he types his own reply to it. It doesn’t take long before Jongin’s steering the conversation to something else.
Kim Jongin
Walk you home again today?
Kyungsoo feels his blush deepen as he types a reply.
Kim Jongin
Walk you home again today?
Okay.
The reply comes not a second later.
Kim Jongin
Walk you home again today?
Okay.
Are you blushing?
Kyungsoo looks up from his phone and sees Jongin watching him from the counter, a smirk on his face. Kyungsoo knows he looks like a tomato so he hides his face in his arms, hearing Jongin's laughter echo in the cafe.
The vibration of his phone coaxes him to escape his haven and he looks at the message, feeling his heart give out as soon as he reads it.
Kim Jongin
Walk you home again today?
Okay.
Are you blushing?
It's okay, you're cute.
Kyungsoo becomes occupied with exchanging messages with Jongin and almost forgets to accomplish his writing goals. When the cafe starts becoming busy during the later part of the day, Kyungsoo pours himself over his work. His inspiration comes to him like wildfire, fingers taking control and mind doing the rest of his work. It doesn't take long before he finishes and when he does, it's just in time for him to go home.
Jongin waits for him by his table, helping Kyungsoo pack up and opening the door for him as they go out. Kyungsoo has complained to Jongin many times that he isn't a girl that needs taking care of. Jongin just shakes his head and whispers in his ears.
"I like taking care of you."
The words send chills down Kyungsoo's spine and he shivers each time he remembers those words. He has learned to let Jongin do what he wants most of the time. He would rather not have to go through that predicament one more time and embarrass himself.
As they walk home, Kyungsoo thinks about the way it's so easy to type a message to Jongin. He's never had a person encourage him to reveal so much about himself. Because of his quiet nature, people have taken it upon themselves to talk Kyungsoo's ears off. Jongin's approach not only surprises Kyungsoo but also comforts him.
Kyungsoo didn't know he had so much to say until Jongin had urged Kyungsoo to tell him. He wonders for a moment what it would be like to talk, to be able to converse with Jongin. He pictures it in his mind, an image of him and Jongin talking.
He smiles at the thought.
Would you be happy if you were able to hear my voice? Kyungsoo finds himself typing. He looks to his side and finds Jongin gazing up at the stars. He smiles, his heart aching as he deletes the message.
✎✎✎
Kim Jongin
Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow?
Kyungsoo stares at the message on his phone. He glances at the counter and finds Jongin taking a customer’s order. He bites his lip as he thinks about his schedule.
Kyungsoo knows tomorrow's a Saturday which also means he'd usually be at the cafe typing like any other day. He stares back at the message until his eyes burn from keeping them open for a few seconds longer than they can handle.
It takes him a few minutes before he settles on something to reply.
Kim Jongin
Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow?
Why?
Kyungsoo doesn't need to look at the counter -he knows Jongin is watching him.
Kim Jongin
Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow?
Why?
I want to show you something. Please?
Kyungsoo bites his bottom lip and sighs, feeling himself relenting. He knows he would have given in sooner but something about going out with Jongin felt a little surreal that he couldn't just say yes.
Kim Jongin
Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow?
Why?
I want to show you something. Please?
Alright. Where and what time?
The reply comes faster than Kyungsoo expected and he jolts as his phone vibrates.
Kim Jongin
Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow?
Why?
I want to show you something. Please?
Alright. Where and what time?
I'll pick you up at your house at 9. Wear something comfortable. :)
Kyungsoo inhales and then breathes out slowly. His heart thunders in his chest and he can't think straight. Something about tomorrow makes him uneasy.
Before he knows it, tomorrow finds him wearing his favorite comfortable clothes. He checks himself out in the mirror a couple of times as he approves his choice of clothing for the umpteenth time.
When the doorbell rings at 9AM sharp, Kyungsoo bolts to the door and greets Jongin with a smile, a little breathless from the sprint.
Jongin stares at Kyungsoo for a few seconds, making Kyungsoo blush, before smiling down at him.
"You look great," Jongin whispers. Kyungsoo nods in thanks and whips out his phone to compliment Jongin as well.
"Thank you," Jongin replies as Kyungsoo locks his doors. "Ready?" When Kyungsoo nods, Jongin slides his hand down Kyungsoo's wrist to intertwine their fingers.
The movement makes Kyungsoo blush and he almost misses Jongin's questions because of it.
"Have you been to Lotte World?"
Kyungsoo shakes his head and the smile on Jongin's face blinds Kyungsoo as it broadens.
"Lucky for you, I'm taking you there." Jongin squeezes Kyungsoo's hand in his and something about the gesture warms Kyungsoo to his very core.
Kyungsoo smiles up at Jongin and lets the other lead him to wherever it is they're going. He's sure he'd let Jongin take him anywhere. He knows Jongin will only take him to places he will love.
Laughter and happiness greets Kyungsoo as he steps in the vicinity of the theme park. His eyes grow wider as he takes in the place as best as he can. A chuckle to his side and a squeeze on his hand takes him back to reality and he smiles sheepishly at Jongin.
Jongin shakes his head but smiles affectionately down at Kyungsoo. He squeezes Kyungsoo's hand one more time before leading him into the park.
Colors decorate the theme park and everything vibrant catches Kyungsoo's attention. He can't help it as he drags Jongin to stalls and rides like a bee that's attracted to a flower. By the time he's dragged Jongin to what he thinks is everywhere, he realizes just how childish he may have been acting.
As if sensing his insecurity, Jongin smiles down at Kyungsoo and pulls him close to his side.
"It's alright, you know?" he says as he walks Kyungsoo to the bumper car station. "I like seeing you have fun and laugh." Kyungsoo watches as Jongin's smile turns a little solemn before going back to their usual brightness.
It surprises Kyungsoo when Jongin tells him he wants to try going on the hot air balloons. Jongin has let Kyungsoo drag him all over the theme park and Kyungsoo only deems it appropriate that he allows Jongin his fill of fun. Despite the churning in his stomach at the thought of being so high up in the sky, Jongin's hand in his keeps him from running away.
Only a few people accompany them in the basket and Jongin makes sure to stay behind Kyungsoo at all times.
"To catch you if you fall," Jongin whispers in Kyungsoo's ear. Blushing to the tips of his ears, Kyungsoo rests his back gently against Jongin's chest.
The balloon goes up and Kyungsoo stumbles just the slightest, getting back on his feet with Jongin's arms on his side. In the position they're in, he can feel the rise and fall of Jongin's chest. The sound of his breathing is a gentle music to his ears and it makes Kyungsoo lightheaded.
"Kyungsoo, look," Jongin whispers just as Kyungsoo is about to close his eyes to let the sensation of Jongin overcome him.
Below them, the lights of the amusement park go on one by one. The sky illuminating the indoor park goes from bright sunlight to sunset orange. Kyungsoo has never seen a more beautiful sight than this before.
"Kyungsoo," Jongin murmurs and Kyungsoo turns, feeling Jongin's hands on his waist. The lights illuminate Jongin's face and he takes back what he said before. The small smile on Jongin's face as the lights of amusement park bathe him in their glow is the most gorgeous sight Kyungsoo has ever seen. When Jongin turns to meet his eyes, Kyungsoo sucks in a breath, Jongin's beauty absolutely blinding him.
"I love you," Jongin says and Kyungsoo feels his heart stop.
With no words, he does his best to reciprocate Jongin's feelings. He wraps his arms around Jongin, holding onto him as best as he can in their position.
"Does this mean you love me too?" Jongin asks with a chuckle as he allows Kyungsoo to fully turn in his arms. Kyungsoo knows Jongin's asking to tease him but he nods anyway, nods until his head aches and tears start forming in his eyes.
Jongin wraps his arms around Kyungsoo's waist and holds him close.
"I'm glad."
✎✎✎
It starts with fingers grazing the skin of Kyungsoo's arms. The feeling makes all the hair on his skin rise, sends tingles down his spine and makes his stomach churn.
When he looks up, Jongin's easy smile shines brightly down on him as he refills Kyungsoo's mug with coffee. Before Jongin walks away, Kyungsoo feels Jongin’s fingers run through his hair and it takes his breath away.
Kyungsoo has never been so intimately touched before and the feeling is so foreign he doesn't know what to think of it. It's not as if he doesn't like it, but the heat pooling in his stomach is unlike any other.
Holding hands with Jongin has turned into a habit Kyungsoo can't shake off. The feeling of Jongin's hand in his own makes him feel safe and as they walk home, he wonders what it would be like to fall asleep in Jongin's arms.
The tightening on Kyungsoo's hand draws him out of his thoughts and he turns to find Jongin's worry-filled eyes in front of him.
"What's wrong?" he asks, drawing Kyungsoo closer to his side so they can feel each other's warmth.
Kyungsoo just shakes his head, letting Jongin's arm wrap around his shoulders. He burrows himself to Jongin's side and warms himself from the cold. The walk to Kyungsoo's apartment is never long but it always seems to be cold.
By the time they reach Kyungsoo's door, Jongin no longer asks if Kyungsoo wants him to come in or not. Instead, he follows after Kyungsoo as he steps inside and locks the door after him. A fond smile graces Kyungsoo's features as he watches Jongin comfortably go about his apartment, like he belongs in it.
"Kyungsoo," Jongin calls out as Kyungsoo settles his things in his room.
Kyungsoo goes out and finds Jongin on his couch, patting the space beside him so Kyungsoo will sit on it.
"I was thinking," Jongin begins as Kyungsoo settles to his side, his arm bringing Kyungsoo closer as if on automatic. "Maybe we could stop using Kakaotalk and try something new."
The way Jongin's eyes sparkle under the lighting of the apartment draws Kyungsoo in, making him hang onto his words. Kyungsoo nods as he urges Jongin to continue what he was saying.
As it turns out, Jongin's filled with more than just one idea to spice up their communication, from handwritten notes to various games Kyungsoo didn't even know existed. Nonetheless, he smiles at Jongin and agrees to try all of them even if it takes them forever to try.
The greatest thing about Jongin is that he doesn't ask Kyungsoo why he doesn't speak or asks if he will ever be able to speak. It is also the worst thing about Jongin. Because if he doesn't ask, then Kyungsoo doesn't know how to tell him. Before he can wallow in his thoughts even further, a hand on his waist draws him out of it. He looks up to see Jongin's soft smile and in his eyes are all kinds of affection Kyungsoo has never seen. His heart melts and he throws all his insecurities away just for a while as he drowns in Jongin's love.
One day Kyungsoo will be able to tell Jongin all that he needs to know.
That day comes on the most unexpected of days.
After dinner at Jongin’s place, Kyungsoo finds himself in Jongin’s arms, lips against lips. The younger pulls Kyungsoo close as he leads him through the hallway and into his room. Kyungsoo hears the soft covers of Jongin's bed rustling as Jongin pushes him down. Jongin's lips are heavy on his as they work his mouth open. He can feel the warmth of Jongin's hands everywhere, sending warm ripples all over his body. It's not the first time Jongin's kissed him this passionately but it's the first time they've ever made it this far to the bedroom.
Kyungsoo shivers as Jongin lays him down on his bed, a hand on his head and the other on his waist. In his cloud of thoughts, Kyungsoo vaguely feels Jongin's fingers brushing the hem of shirt. The sensation of warmth on his stomach makes Kyungsoo gasp and then the panic begins to fill him. There's a finger tracing the soft skin of his torso and when it brushes against a bump on skin, he pushes Jongin away. The reaction shocks Jongin, pulling away to give Kyungsoo the space that he needs.
Panic embodies Kyungsoo as he pulls his knees to his chest, trying to hold himself together. The dip on his side tells him Jongin is close but not so close that Kyungsoo feels suffocated.
"I'm so sorry, Kyungsoo," Jongin says, voice filled with sincerity that Kyungsoo begins to hate himself. Kyungsoo shakes his head to somehow tell Jongin this isn't his fault. After all, it isn't. It's Kyungsoo's, his insecurities and his past.
"I'm sorry," Jongin repeats, softer this time and Kyungsoo cries because he can't tell Jongin, he can't find it in himself to speak and tell him that it isn't his fault.
It takes a while before Jongin envelopes Kyungsoo in his arms. Kyungsoo is glad for the safety that Jongin's arms hold and he lets himself immerse in the feeling, wishing nothing more than to be able to fix this problem he'd caused.
In the morning, Kyungsoo finds himself still in Jongin's embrace. Tear stains mar his face and they leave his face feeling taut. His heart aches at the sight of Jongin sleeping peacefully, a faint smile on his face. It's at that moment that Kyungsoo decides it's time for Jongin to know the truth.
Kyungsoo waits for Jongin to wake up, sitting on one of the chairs by the dining table. There are two mugs for coffee placed on the table and Kyungsoo has just finished pouring some in Jongin's mug when the tanned male walks out of the room.
Concern lines every feature of Jongin's face as he walks to where Kyungsoo is. He sits on the chair at the head of the table while Kyungsoo sits on his right. Kyungsoo pushes the mug of steaming coffee to Jongin.
"Are you alright?" Jongin asks, his tone careful and contemplative. Kyungsoo gives him a rueful smile as he pushes forward the black notebook Jongin has just noticed on the table.
Jongin’s eyes enhance the questions written all over his face but Kyungsoo knows deep inside Jongin understands.
"You want me to read this?" Jongin asks and Kyungsoo knows it's just to make sure. At Kyungsoo's nod, Jongin accepts the black notebook Kyungsoo offers.
Kyungsoo turns the pages to the last filled page and written on it is a letter to Jongin.
Jongin looks back at Kyungsoo, his eyes pricking with tears. "Did you write this today?" Kyungsoo nods and moves his seat closer to Jongin so he can hold his hand.
Jongin finally understands and he takes a deep breath as he reads whatever it is Kyungsoo needs to tell him.
Dear Jongin,
When I was 8, my mother had left my father and me. I no longer remember the reason. All I know is that my father never took to well to why my mother left.
My mother had a beautiful voice and when I was younger I was often told I sounded like her. Before she left, we'd often tricked my father with our voices, trying to make him guess who was who. He never did get it right.
I thought I could help him feel better if I comforted him with words just like my mom used to whenever he felt bad but the effect was the opposite. Hearing my mom's voice, something broke inside my father and that's when he first started to hit me.
At first it was only when I talked. Every time I asked him if he was okay, he would punch me in the stomach or kick at my legs. Eventually, I stopped speaking altogether.
One time my father got so drunk and he was so angry with my mother that the only way he could let it out was on me. He punched me and kicked me until I was black and blue. When I thought it had finally stopped, it turns out he just went to grab a knife.
I blacked out after the first slice. Next thing I know, I'm in the hospital with bandages all over my body and every single part of me aching.
Apparently my father had sliced me up pretty badly around the upper half of my body. I guess hearing me cry out in pain made him feel like it was my mother instead of me.
Some of my relatives took me in after that. But because I wasn't talking and refused to speak to anyone it became difficult for them to keep me around. Eventually, I got passed around until I could afford to live on my own.
The scars on my body are ugly. I don't want you to see them and be disgusted.
Kyungsoo watches as Jongin closes his notebook with a shaky hand. With a deep breath, Jongin lifts his head to face Kyungsoo. Seeing the look in Jongin's eyes makes Kyungsoo's knees weak and he approaches the younger to take away the pain in those eyes.
Jongin pulls on his hand and Kyungsoo lands on Jongin's lap.
"There's nothing I can do to change what happened to you," Jongin whispers, cradling Kyungsoo to him as best as he can while every fiber of his being shivers with anger. "But if there's something I can do now, it is to always be here for you, Kyungsoo. I am always going to be here for you."
Jongin continues to whisper promises and words of comfort to Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo feels his heart quake and he doesn't even realize he's crying until he feels the wetness on Jongin's shirt. It doesn't take more than a while for Jongin to cry with Kyungsoo, empathizing with his lover.
By the time they've both calmed down, Jongin pulls Kyungsoo to their feet. The smile on his face is a little lopsided and Kyungsoo knows his boyfriend's trying his best to be strong. Kyungsoo returns it with one of his own, trying to be just as strong as Jongin.
"Why don't we spend the rest of the day just cuddling?" Jongin's eyes twinkle and Kyungsoo nods, the idea of cocooning himself in Jongin's arms sounding like the best thing to do.
"Let's go."
They don't leave the bedroom until the next day. Kyungsoo stays wrapped in Jongin's arms until he wakes up with the sun greeting them the next day. It's a strange feeling that overwhelms Kyungsoo, waking up to Jongin's face radiated by the morning sun. But it's a great feeling, he thinks as he burrows himself in Jongin's warmth, waiting until Jongin opens his eyes.
One day, maybe, he'll be able to tell Jongin just how thankful he is for everything he's done.
✎✎✎
Kyungsoo knows there's a voice inside of him waiting to come out. He knows it's just a matter of time and of finding the right words to say for it pop. With all the love and support Jongin's showered him with, the feeling increases as days go by.
A burst of warmth and affection overcomes him at the sight of Jongin ushering him to sit down on the table so they can eat dinner. They're celebrating their anniversary and instead of going out, Jongin had offered to cook as his place.
The smell of food drifts to Kyungsoo's nose and he takes a seat to Jongin's right. There are a million thoughts going through Kyungsoo's mind as he smiles at Jongin who's putting all kinds of dishes on his plate. He thinks about how lovely Jongin looks, a content smile on his face as he urges Kyungsoo to eat. Kyungsoo thinks about wanting to spend the rest of his life seeing happiness shine in those eyes. Kyungsoo thinks about wanting to be able to show Jongin just how much he wants what he's thinking.
When they finish eating, Kyungsoo takes Jongin's hand in his and leads him to Jongin's bedroom. The heat pooling in his cheeks makes him hesitate but he doesn't stop walking, even as Jongin protests about the dirty dishes. Kyungsoo will make an exception today. The dishes will have to wait until tomorrow.
Kyungsoo sits Jongin down on the edge of the bed, a pleading look in his eyes. Kyungsoo watches as Jongin's adam's apple bobs up and down and he breathes out, straddling Jongin's thighs. He grips the fabric of Jongin's shirt in his hands and looks into Jongin's eyes. He can feel himself turning even redder as Jongin regards him with so much love in his gaze.
Jongin loosens Kyungsoo's hold on his shirt by placing his hands on them, massaging circles onto the back of his hand with his fingers.
"Are you sure?"
Kyungsoo doesn't take his eyes away from Jongin as he nods and Jongin takes in a deep breath, the sound echoing in the room.
The warmth of Jongin's hands on his waist jolts Kyungsoo and Jongin chuckles at the reaction.
"Relax, Kyungsoo," Jongin whispers, leaning down to kiss Kyungsoo on his forehead. "I'll take care of you."
Jongin circles his thumbs over the fabric of Kyungsoo’s shirt. The sensation intensifies the heat pooling between Kyungsoo’s legs. Jongin kisses him on the tip of his nose before reaching his lips. Kyungsoo can never get tired of the softness of Jongin's lips on his. He slides his hands up from Jongin's chest to his neck before tangling his fingers with Jongin's hair. He feels Jongin groan, the vibrations making him grind down against Jongin.
"So beautiful," Jongin whispers against Kyungsoo's lips as they pull apart. Jongin continues to kiss every bit of Kyungsoo's skin that he can reach, every touch leaving Kyungsoo breathless.
Jongin's warm hands find their way inside Kyungsoo's shirt and he shivers as Jongin slides them up his torso. A wave of insecurity makes him pull away and Jongin pulls back from where he's kissing Kyungsoo's collarbones.
"Do you want to stop?" Jongin asks, his breath heavy and pupils blown. His hands are still warm on Kyungsoo's skin and they send tingles to Kyungsoo's nerves.
Kyungsoo exhales and grips Jongin's shoulders tightly. He wants to do this, he really does. So he does his best to tell Jongin. He shakes his head as he leans forward to press his lips against Jongin's.
Jongin makes a surprised sound before responding to the kiss, allowing Kyungsoo to coax his mouth open. When Kyungsoo moans, Jongin proceeds to run his hands up and down Kyungsoo's torso, feeling the heat of his skin against his palms.
Jongin's hands on him feel like ice and fire at the same time and Kyungsoo doesn't know what feeling to focus on. It isn't until Jongin stops in his ministrations that Kyungsoo realizes the younger is asking him a question.
"Do you want to keep your shirt on?" Jongin's eyes have understanding shining in them, and even in the dark room it's clear just how much he holds Kyungsoo dearly. Kyungsoo shakes his head as he feels Jongin's fingers play with the hem of his shirt.
Jongin knows Kyungsoo's decision is final so he takes as a deep breath as he lifts Kyungsoo's shirt up, careful not to scare Kyungsoo away. Jongin nips on Kyungsoo's ears as he lifts his shirt, trailing soft and warm kisses down the side of his neck. Kyungsoo shivers at the feeling, his mind completely focused on the way Jongin's soft lips suck on his collarbone.
"Beautiful," Jongin keeps whispering as he changes sides. Before Kyungsoo knows it, Jongin has successfully taken his shirt off. He doesn't even have time to feel insecure about his scars as Jongin lies him down on the bed.
"I love you," Jongin says before he kisses Kyungsoo hard, his tongue slipping into Kyungsoo's mouth. Jongin's tongue curls around Kyungsoo's own and Kyungsoo tries to keep up with Jongin's pace. It doesn't take long before he's relinquishing control and allows Jongin to lick and suck every inch of his tongue.
When Jongin pulls away, it's only to take his shirt off, and Kyungsoo watches the moonlight cast a silhouette on Jongin's body. Jongin smirks at Kyungsoo, teasing him and making him flush, the blotches of red striking against his pale skin.
With the light of the moon, Kyungsoo knows Jongin will be able to see his scars and he closes his eyes, not wanting to see disgust or pity in them.
"Open your eyes, Kyungsoo," Jongin whispers and it takes every bit of strength Kyungsoo has to follow. When he opens them, all he sees is love in Jongin's eyes. With those eyes, Jongin takes in the look of Kyungsoo debauched on his bed. The intensity of his gaze lights a flame inside of Kyungsoo.
"You're so beautiful, Kyungsoo," Jongin says, his voice echoing in the room and in Kyungsoo's mind. It echoes until his heart hears and understands. He doesn't realize tears are pooling in his eyes until Jongin kisses them away. It doesn't take long before the tears stop, and Kyungsoo is gasping because Jongin is kissing every bit of skin on his body.
Kyungsoo has memorized the places where scars mark his body and when Jongin kisses each and everyone of them, something in him goes blank. It takes a while before he realizes that Jongin has been complimenting him over and over after every kiss on his scars. Jongin's words topple over in his head and he realizes that they're one different compliment after another.
"You're so strong, Kyungsoo," Jongin says as he finishes showering Kyungsoo with all the affection he can offer. "You're perfect."
Kyungsoo wishes he could tell Jongin how thankful he is for the compliments Jongin showers him with. Because he can't, he puts a hand on Jongin's arm and brings him back up, bringing him down so he can press his lips against Jongin's mouth. He hopes he can send the message across, transfer his feelings into the kiss.
As he coaxes Jongin's mouth open, Kyungsoo feels the younger's hands travel down his body. Kyungsoo pulls away and groans when Jongin palms his erection. It makes him see stars and he urges Jongin to continue what he's doing.
Jongin smirks down at Kyungsoo as he does his best to untangle Kyungsoo's belt. Kyungsoo helps Jongin unbuckle and loosen his pants. When Kyungsoo's pants and underwear are off, Jongin lies Kyungsoo down and gives him a once over.
Kyungsoo bites his lip as he presents himself to Jongin. He can hear his heart pounding, the sound like thunder in his ears. Before Jongin can take too long, he whines and tugs on Jongin's pants. Kyungsoo's thankful that Jongin didn't wear a belt. It takes no more than a second for Kyungsoo to unbutton Jongin's jeans and Jongin helps Kyungsoo in sliding them down.
Kyungsoo's eye go wider than usual at the sight of Jongin's arousal. He swallows. Jongin chuckles, urging him to relax and promising that he'll be gentle.
Kyungsoo moves to hold Jongin's length in his hands but Jongin pins his hands down on the bed, shaking his head. "Not tonight," Jongin whispers, planting open mouth kisses on Kyungsoo's wrist. "Tonight, it's all about you."
With one hand, Jongin holds Kyungsoo's arms above his head. He uses his free hand to stroke Kyungsoo's cock, eliciting quiet moans and groans from his lover.
The heat that envelopes Kyungsoo's cock makes him jolt and it takes him a while to realize that his cock head is inside Jongin's mouth. He can feel Jongin's fingers grip at the base as Jongin takes him in further inside. He watches Jongin hollow his cheeks and suck before he's gripping the sheets of Jongin's bed. Jongin tugs and sucks like Kyungsoo never knew was possible.
Kyungsoo finds himself tugging on Jongin's locks as the feeling of something overwhelming hits him. Jongin pulls away just before the feeling topples over and he pants with the feeling of coming close but not quite.
"That was quite a grip," Jongin laughs as he holds Kyungsoo's hand in his, taking it away from his hair. He winces slightly but assures Kyungsoo he's alright as he leans down. "You were about to cum, weren't you?"
Kyungsoo whines as Jongin's fingers graze the skin of cock. "Don't worry, I'll make you feel even better."
Jongin moves to reach for his bedside table drawer, plucking something out of it after a few seconds of fumbling. Kyungsoo watches as Jongin procures a bottle filled with clear liquid. It looks new and unused as Jongin opens the cap and coats his fingers with it.
"Spread your legs," Jongin commands, voice soft and easily persuading Kyungsoo to follow.
Kyungsoo gasps at the cold feeling of Jongin's coated fingers circling his entrance. Jongin nips on Kyungsoo's earlobe to distract him as he slowly inserts one finger inside Kyungsoo. Jongin moves to stroke Kyungsoo's arousal as he slides his finger back and forth.
When Jongin adds a second finger, Kyungsoo opens his mouth in a silent scream as the pain starts to register. Jongin mends this as best as he can by sucking marks on the inside of Kyungsoo's thighs and stroking Kyungsoo's cock. Jongin cranes his fingers as he feels for Kyungsoo's prostate. Kyungsoo startles when he feels Jongin press down in an area he'd never known existed. He hears Jongin mutter something under his breath as he continues to press down on that spot that makes Kyungsoo see stars. The feeling makes Kyungsoo shudder and before he knows it, Jongin’s adding a third finger, stretching Kyungsoo as best as he can.
When Jongin deems Kyungsoo ready, he coats his cock with a large amount of lube and presses against Kyungsoo as gently as he can.
"Relax," Jongin whispers as he kisses the side of Kyungsoo's neck, up his jaw and then his lips. Inch by inch, Kyungsoo feels himself stretch to let Jongin in. The burn blinds him but he focuses on the feeling of Jongin's lips and tongue all over his mouth to forget about the pain.
It feels like forever before Jongin stops moving and Kyungsoo opens his eyes to find Jongin giving him an apologetic smile. He leans up and kisses the corner of his lips to tell him it’s okay, that he’s okay. He can feel Jongin inside of him and a burst of warmth and affection spreads throughout him as he realizes how far they’ve come. The realization makes him grip Jongin’s arm as he tells Jongin in his own way that it’s okay to move. Jongin presses his lips against Kyungsoo, a soft touch of the lips as he pulls back.
Jongin sets a slow rhythm as his pace, allowing Kyungsoo time to adjust to the foreign feeling of Jongin inside of him. When Kyungsoo starts gripping tightly on Jongin's forearms, his mouth open in a silent plea, Jongin knows to set his pace faster.
On a particularly fast and hard thrust, Kyungsoo keens, the sound loud and echoing in the room. It's the first time Jongin's ever heard Kyungsoo utter a real sound and he does his best to pull all the sounds he can out of Kyungsoo. He thrusts in as hard and fast as he can, much like the first time, and Kyungsoo moans. Jongin gets drunk on those sounds as he sets a steady pace.
Kyungsoo moans as loud as he can once the feeling of coming close comes back and this time Jongin strokes his cock to get him there faster. Kyungsoo shudders and comes all over Jongin's hands. He feels himself tighten around Jongin's cock and it doesn't take long before Jongin is coming inside of him. The feeling of Jongin's warm liquid inside of him makes Kyungsoo feel full and he smiles up at his lover as he drags him down for a lazy kiss.
"I love you, Kyungsoo," Jongin whispers, lips sliding against his own as he says them. Kyungsoo nods, locking Jongin in his embrace and pulling him to his side.
Kyungsoo nuzzles the side of Jongin's neck and tries to show Jongin his reply. He closes his eyes and lets the warmth of Jongin's body wrap itself around him like a blanket, lulling him to sleep.
When Kyungsoo comes to, he finds Jongin's sleeping face in front of him. He remembers the feeling of a warm wash cloth wiping him down and he flushes as he realizes he must have fallen asleep after he and Jongin made love. His flush deepens as he feels an arm loosely wrapped around his waist and an ache in his lower back that he can't ignore.
Kyungsoo notices the sun filtering through the room. He watches as the lights dance on Jongin's face, casting shadows against it, and he thinks it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that he's happy being able to stay by Jongin's side.
He burrows himself in Jongin's embrace, careful not to add to the pain in his lower back. With a finger, he traces the lights that outline Jongin's face and smiles to himself. Something inside him tells him it's the perfect moment.
Jongin's eyes flutter for a second and Kyungsoo knows he's on the brink of waking up. He hovers his fingers over them, watching them squeeze shut before blinking open.
Kyungsoo smiles and takes a deep breath.
"Jongin," Kyungsoo says, his voice soft and hoarse. It's a sound that's foreign even to him. "I love you."