(for sengen35) Broken Heart Beats (How Long 'Til We Call This Love)
For: sengen35
Title: Broken Heart Beats (How Long 'Til We Call This Love)
Pairings: Kai/D.O, slight!Baekhyun/Chanyeol
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 7,200
Summary: Jongin tries to make-believe that he isn't falling for Kyungsoo again, and it's okay to be just how they have always been. But he can only keep on pretending for so long. Band!au, sort of.
Author’s Note: The title taken from Christina Perri's song Distance. To my recipient: this is probably not what you're expecting and i might have strayed off from the prompt just a tiny bit, but i hope you like it <3 Also, thank you mods, for being so patient with me!
When Chanyeol introduces him to the new lead vocalist, Jongin definitely doesn't expect him to be the one person he's been trying to forget for the last four years of his life. Kyungsoo stares at him, wide eyes and furrowed eyebrows, Jongin nearly forgets to breathe.
"Oh." Jongin blinks. It's like his mind has forgotten how to process words for a minute. He knows he's supposed to say hello or something, but that seems too detached and strange. He swallows a lump in his throat. He feels his throat constricting, so he tries to distract himself by drumming on his guitar with his fingers to no particular beat.
"Jongin? Kim Jongin?" Kyungsoo is smiling and Jongin tries to curve his lips into something that looks like a smile, though he knows he probably looks weird.
"Wait. So you know each other?" Chanyeol points at both of them, and sighs dramatically. "Thank god, I won't have to try hard to coax Jongin out of his awkwardness. He doesn't do very well with strangers."
"He’s got some mad people skills." Sehun chimes in, looking away from his phone for once. Jongin glares daggers at both him and Chanyeol.
"I know." Kyungsoo chuckles. Now he's looking at Jongin. If there was a ever a right time to disappear from the face of the earth, Jongin figures that it would be now. His eyes are questioning and just a bit curious. Jongin knew that someday he would meet Kyungsoo again, but he hadn’t imagined how it would be, what he would say and how he would explain why Jongin didn't contact Kyungsoo even once in these four years.
“That’s Oh Sehun.” Sehun flashes a victory sign. “He’s in charge of the keys.” Chanyeol goes on to explain about him being multi-talented for being able to play both drums and the bass but Jongin tunes him out.
Jongin had imagined that maybe they would meet on a rainy day, or when it was snowing, something dramatic. But this is almost anti-climatic and yet, hundred times more nerve-wracking. His palms feels sweaty and his mouth feels unnaturally dry. Relax, he tells himself, it’s just Kyungsoo.
Maybe this is Jongin’s punishment for being the Worst Best Friend Ever.
Kyungsoo and Jongin met in the junior high and hit it off immediately, both being socially awkward teenagers. Jongin liked Kyungsoo because Kyungsoo understood him more than anyone, because Kyungsoo understood when Jongin said he loved music more than anything else as it was the same for him. It was the first time Jongin felt that kind of connection with anyone, Kyungsoo made Jongin feel safe and comfortable, as if everything would be alright if Jongin had Kyungsoo.
It took him a little longer than necessary to realize that the connection, that little spark had turned into a massive crush. Jongin felt a tingle running down his spine every time Kyungsoo put his arms around his shoulders and a hand on his thighs, innocent touches here and there setting the butterflies in his stomach into a frenzy. Jongin thought that maybe it was some kind of heart problem, but one day when they were having a sleepover and Jongin suddenly had an urge to kiss him, he thought that maybe it was something more complicated than heartburn.
Jongin was too late, because in the senior year of highschool Kyungsoo got himself a boyfriend. His name was Hyunsik and Jongin only ever tolerated his presence because of Kyungsoo. Jongin didn't know how they started dating or how they met in the first place, and it's not like Jongin could be mad at Kyungsoo for liking someone, so he did what a best friend should do, stayed by his side and supported him.
It proved to be more than difficult, even without the constant painful jabs on his heart every time Hyunsik made Kyungsoo laugh, or whenever Hyunsik was around. It seemed like Kyungsoo had no time for Jongin, now that he had to spend his time with his boyfriend and it made him bitter. Heartbreak aside, he missed his best friend a lot.
A lot things happened after they graduated from high school. Jongin's parents divorced, they didn't get along with each other anyway, and apparently neither wanted to look after Jongin because Jongin was apparently old enough to fend for himself now and music wasn’t a ‘respectable career choice’ anyway. It didn't matter to him much because they’d never really made an effort to understand him, both of them too busy with their own lives. Nobody wanted him anymore, not his parents and not even his best friend, so he figured that if they didn’t need him he wouldn’t need them either.
Maybe Jongin was being a little selfish and impulsive, when he cut all of his ties with his parents and Kyungsoo and his friends from high school. Kyungsoo even tried to call and message him multiple times, but Jongin ignored him. It was for the best, he thought it was the only way he could get over him, if Kyungsoo was happy with Hyunsik then Jongin would be happy too and he could be happy on his own.
Except it didn't quite work out that way. Even after Jongin joined university, met Chanyeol and Baekhyun and they decided to form a band (because Chanyeol liked playing drums and Baekhyun liked singing and Jongin just happened to have a good knowledge of guitar and a little more time to kill on his hands), later Sehun joined them and Jongin had three close friends now, it felt like something was missing for some reason. He’d been so used to having Kyungsoo around that the lack of his presence was a void that could never be refilled. That is probably why Jongin couldn't fall in love with anyone else. Sehun said that Jongin was just too awkward for relationships while Baekhyun called him 'commitment-phobic' but if Jongin ever learned anything from his parents then it was that relationships only ever worked when feelings were involved and Kyungsoo was the only person Jongin ever had feelings for.
Jongin missed him a lot, and it was too late to realize that he’d made a big mistake, he’d been selfish and he’d broken Kyungsoo’s trust. That's probably why Jongin spent nights writing sad songs, strumming melodies on his guitar and trying to trace his smile in his mind, wondering if Kyungsoo hated him now.
They are in a typical hole-in-the-wall restaurant. Baekhyun had joined them after his vocal therapy, celebrating Kyungsoo's official recruitment in their band even though he is a temporary member. Baekhyun had developed vocal nodules and had been advised by his doctor not to sing for some months or else he could seriously damage his voice. It was a really big inconvenience considering Baekhyun was the lead vocalist and neither of the rest of the members could sing as well as he did. Baekhyun felt sorry, so he took it upon himself to find a new vocalist. It was a good thing that Baekhyun was a social butterfly and he knew a lot of people. A week later, he said he'd found just the right person to replace him temporarily.
And of course, it had to be Kyungsoo, of all people.
Kyungsoo sat opposite to him and Jongin was a little too wary of him. Jongin couldn't deny that Kyungsoo was the best lead singer they could get and if Kyungsoo decided not to sing with them because of Jongin, Chanyeol will probably skin him alive. Chanyeol and Sehun were immediately smitten by Kyungsoo's voice-Jongin felt a little proud at that-and Chanyeol told him that he would consider making him a permanent member if fans liked him and if Kyungsoo wanted to. Jongin didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
"So...you two know each other?" Baekhyun asks in his usually loud voice, which earns him a mild scolding from Chanyeol who is always worried that Baekhyun might strain his voice even further. Baekhyun rolls his eyes but grins when Chanyeol wipes the food from his lips with his fingers. With so many things going through his mind, Jongin forgot for a second that Baekhyun and Chanyeol are a couple and like to do gross couple things in front of their friends. Sehun doesn't seem much affected by that but he's never really affected by anything. Jongin is more susceptible to it because he shares an apartment with them and has seen a little too much, traumatizing memories that he'd rather not remember.
He glances at Kyungsoo and sees him biting his lips, an effort to suppress his smile. It was his old habit, Jongin remembered perfectly, because it used to drive Jongin nuts back then. Jongin kept wondering how it would feel like to kiss his perfect, pink lips. And it's still the same. Jongin was thinking of making amends with Kyungsoo so that they could get past the awkwardness, and maybe return back to being friends if Kyungsoo wanted to, but it's going to be hard if all he can think about is kissing him.
"We were friends in high school. Best friends, in fact." Kyungsoo says to Baekhyun, but he is looking at Jongin, with sad eyes. Jongin hates himself a little bit more.
"How come you didn't talk to each other then?" Chanyeol says, a little sauce leaking out of his mouth. Jongin is used to it by now, but it is still gross.
"I've been wondering that too." Kyungsoo mutters. That's when Jongin decides that Kyungsoo really deserves an apology, they can’t go on with this for too long.
Jongin tells Chanyeol and others to go without them because Kyungsoo and him have a lot of catching up to do, but now when they’re alone, Jongin actually wishes that they were still here, at least he wouldn’t have to go through this awkward silence. Jongin can’t help it, he can practically feel the awkwardness oozing out of him.
He clears his throat. "I'm sorry, Kyungsoo.” He begins, his mouth tastes like cotton, has it always been this hard to apologize to Kyungsoo, Jongin used to do this all the time, for one thing or another. And then Kyungsoo would pretend to be mad for a few seconds, and then everything would go back to normal. If only it was so easy this time. “For being a really shitty best friend."
Kyungsoo sighs once, then he glances up at jongin who is still looking down at the ground, too scared to meet his eyes. "All these years, I've been thinking so hard about why you would never call me or talk to me even once. I kept wondering what that hell did I do to upset you so much."
"No...it's not you. You did nothing wrong. It's just me. A lot of things happened after high school." Kyungsoo nods. “Yeah, I know. I called your parents. They didn’t know about you either.”
"I'm really, really sorry. I understand that you hate me." He wonders why Kyungsoo would go as far to talk to his parents.
Kyungsoo shakes his head. "I don't hate you. I can never hate you." There’s a small smile on his face now, it lights up Jongin’s heart with hope. It’s such a relief to hear it from his own mouth that Kyungsoo doesn’t hate him. "I'm still very mad at you, though."
Kyungsoo laughs. Wow, Jongin had really missed that sound. "But...I can forgive you if you agree to never pull this kind of shit again. You promised once, that we will always be friends. You obviously don’t remember, do you?" Jongin gapes, he can’t actually believe Kyungsoo remembered that. It was just something Jongin said once randomly, even though he’d meant every word of it.
Kyungsoo suddenly leans in to give a hug. It’s warm, Kyungsoo has always felt so warm and his hugs are especially nice, like listening to your favorite song on a rainy day. Jongin buries his face on Kyungsoo’s shoulders, it would be nice if they could stay this way forever.
"Are we friends again?" Jongin says, voice muffled.
"Yeah, we're friends." Kyungsoo says. “But I have a condition...you have to promise to do one thing for me. ” Jongin says yes, he would do anything that would make Kyungsoo happy. “Really? It could be anything.”
“What is it?”
“I’ll think of something and let you know.”
Kyungsoo gets used to their clique quite easily. It's good to be around Kyungsoo, Jongin remembers why it had been so easy to be friends with Kyungsoo back then. Sure, Jongin had a few friends before him and after him, but none of them were like Kyungsoo. Jongin didn't have to pretend to be interested in anything if he wasn't, he could put his head on Kyungsoo's shoulders and drift off if he wanted to, and the best part was that he could hear Kyungsoo sing his song. It's a warm, fuzzy feeling that spreads all over his heart, when Kyungsoo remembers all these little things about Jongin from the past, like how he absolutely hates Americano but likes Caffe Latte, how Jongin prefers playing his guitar without a pick. It's nice that they can be so close again, and Jongin thinks that it's okay to just be like this. Friends, and nothing else.
They'd started out small, playing in the streets of Hongdae and doing occasional shows at the local bars. It's strange how much they've grown in the past two years. They even have a small fanbase of their own. Chanyeol believes that it's because of their name, Exoplanet, meaning that they come from ’outer space’. Chanyeol was the one who came up with the name because he thought it was cool, while Jongin could really care less about the name, he was happy as long as they could play the kind of music they wanted, maybe Jongin just enjoyed the solidarity and the idea of being useful.
It's the first time they are playing without Baekhyun, and he hates to admit it, but he's nervous. He has no doubt that their fans will love Kyungsoo (because how can anyone not like Kyungsoo?), but this is the first time they are performing officially together. That in itself is enough to put Jongin on edge, what if he messed up in the middle of performance, with Jongin's nerves, it's very much possible that Jongin might even break a string of his guitar or something.
Baekhyun is in the crowd, cheering them on. He has a wide smile on his face, but Jongin knows that not being able to perform along with the others, bothers him more than he lets on. Hopefully his nodules will disappear and he'll be able to sing soon. On the other hand, Kyungsoo looks nervous. Biting his lips and fidgeting his hands. Jongin remembers the first time he'd performed in front of people, Jongin's condition had been even worse, but now it's as easy as breathing. When Kyungsoo looks his way, Jongin flashes him a thumbs up, Kyungsoo smiles and nods firmly, his cue that he's going to do his best.
The performance goes better than expected. Kyungsoo sighs in relief, people seem to love his voice. Sehun and Chanyeol are both grinning widely when Jongin glances at them. No matter how many time they perform, it will always be the same. The nervous, jittery feeling before the show and the euphoria after the encore. Jongin isn't easily excitable but he always feels like he's bursting at the seams when he's performing, and he knows it's the same for his friends. It seems like Kyungsoo has been affected by their energy, he's practically radiating happiness and his happiness is contagious, Jongin feels like his face is going to break if he smiles harder.
Kyungsoo invites him to his apartment once. His apartment isn't very colorful but it isn't particularly bland either. It's at least a lot less messier than Jongin's room. It has a sort of homely feel to it, even if kyungsoo lives alone. Kyungsoo doesn’t seem to be dating anyone, these days he spends more time practising with them, so Jongin can’t be too sure. They haven't talked about anything like such, Jongin is a little apprehensive to ask and if Kyungsoo is curious why Jongin’s been single for so long then he doesn't show it. It's a not a very interesting topic to talk about anyway.
Kyungsoo gestures him sit on the couch as he goes into the kitchen to make some food for both of them. Jongin glances around the living room, there's nothing else to do so he just turns on the T.V. He gets bored pretty soon, so he turns the T.V off and stares at Kyungsoo's back cooking something in the oven. The apartment is soon filled with the aroma of kimchi stew, and Jongin's stomach rumbles, reminded of how he used to absolutely love Kyungsoo's cooking and how he's getting to taste it again after such a long time now.
Kyungsoo doesn't have a table so they have to settle with eating in the couch, Jongin doesn't mind because that's how they eat at his apartment too, though Baekhyun and Chanyeol are messy eaters and Jongin might have picked up their habit, so he doesn't want to ruin Kyungsoo's couch. Kyungsoo tells him that it's fine, Jongin can’t be that bad. Jongin isn’t convinced so he decides to be careful.
There's something that's bugging him for a while now, a question he's been dying yet dreading to ask at the same time. His stomach churns, with all the possible scenarios, a strange feeling in his gut that Jongin tries really hard to ignore. Now is a good time as any, and if he doesn't ask him now he probably won't be able to sleep tonight, thinking about how he could have said it but didn't and how there won't be any more chances like this.
"So you live alone? You don't have someone like a roommate or...a boyfriend." Jongin asks him, hoping that Kyungsoo doesn't notice the way his cheeks turn a little red.
"I had a roommate but he moved out a couple of months ago." Kyungsoo drones before taking a mouthful of food into his mouth. Jongin should really stop thinking that he looks adorable when he's eating. "And I've been single for some time now."
"Oh. What about Hyunsik?"
"What about him?" Kyungsoo is staring at him suspiciously now. Jongin hopes he isn't being too invasive, but it's normal for friends to know about their love life, isn't it?
"You were together in high school so I thought-"
"Oh, we broke up shortly after graduation. I'm surprised you remembered." Kyungsoo says offhandedly.
Of course, Jongin remembers. How he could he forget, he spend a whole year being jealous over Hyunsik for getting to spend so much time with his best friend, for stealing Kyungsoo away from him. Still, it doesn’t mean he should be happy because they broke up. Kyungsoo doesn't need to know about that. Jongin clears his throat awkwardly, and searches through his mind for other topics to talk about, but ends up with none. Luckily, Kyungsoo does it for him.
"Um, did you want to watch a movie, or something? Since we haven't done that for who knows how long, so.."
Jongin says that a movie is fine and lets Kyungsoo choose one, because he isn't very up-to-date with movies these days. The movie Kyungsoo chooses turns out to be a pretty interesting action movie. That gives an excuse to Jongin to steal glances at Kyungsoo when he's completely engrossed in the movie. Unfortunately, when the movie ends and Kyungsoo asks him excitedly about how he liked the movie, Jongin hasn't got much to say except 'yeah, it was great' because the whole time he'd been thinking about how Kyungsoo's thighs brushed against his own, how his lips were so close and Jongin could just tilt his head slightly and kiss him if he wanted to and how Kyungsoo had held on to Jongin’s hand sometime during the movie as if he was afraid that Jongin would leave. Jongin tells himself that it’s nothing, he’s probably reading way too much into it, Kyungsoo has held his hands for countless times before.
It's a fairly good day, Jongin had a test today that went better than expected. It means that he can practise stress-free. That was what he had initially planned, until he saw Jongdae with Luhan in tow, grinning and always so effervescent. It's never stress-free when those two are around, they are noisy and Jongin likes to think he doesn't know them sometimes, but Luhan and Jongdae are effortlessly friendly as if they know Jongin since birth. It's not that they are bad, it's just that they're too different from his kind.
"There's this summer music festival thing coming up. Thought you might be interested." Jongdae has a feral grin on his face as he shoves a paper on Chanyeol's face. Chanyeol and Jongdae are the ones who actually know each other from birth, that's how Jongdae gets an excuse to barge into their practice room whenever he wants. Jongin doesn't know about Luhan though, he’s just always around.
Chanyeol looks at the paper and literally jumps with excitement. Sehun scoffs at him, while Jongin wonders how he even gets the energy. They are the opening act but still, it's too good of an opportunity to waste. But isn't it hard to get a lineup there or something?
Jongdae shrugs, smugly. "Well, I pulled some strings for you peasants. All you have to do is entertain the crowd and treat me to pizza and alcohol. Isn't that nice?" Chanyeol gives a high-five to Jongdae while he mouths ‘you’re the best’.
"Oh. Who's that?" Jongdae says, when he sees Kyungsoo, standing there awkwardly by himself. Jongin doesn't like the way Jongdae's smile grows even bigger and there is that teasing glint in his eyes that Jongin knows too well from firsthand experience.
Jongdae gives his hand for Kyungsoo to shake. His hands linger a little longer. No. Jongin. Stop. There’s no reason why he should even be bothered. Kyungsoo isn't his. It doesn't matter if Jongdae flirts with him. In fact, Kyungsoo can date whoever he wants to, even if he is Jongdae, they both sing well and they do look good together and he’s not as awkward as Jongin. But Kyungsoo is smiling keenly at Jongdae, who is a little too close to him that it's bound to be uncomfortable, but Kyungsoo isn't showing any signs of that, he seems interested in whatever Jongdae is saying, what is it about Jongdae that has got Kyungsoo so interested-
Someone taps on his shoulders, Jongin glances up. It's Luhan. "Jongin. You okay?" He says, he looks more amused than concerned. "Yeah. Why would I be not okay?" Jongin shrugs, and he really doesn't like the way Luhan's lips curl into a smirk as he glances at Jongdae and Kyungsoo. "You made a weird face just now." He says. Jongin scowls. He doesn't get Luhan sometimes.
Jongdae manages to get Kyungsoo's phone number before leaving, and Luhan smiles all too knowingly, much to Jongin's exasperation. He thinks that maybe he should try to convince Kyungsoo that Jongdae and Luhan are both evil and not to talk to them, but then decides against it because that is just silly. This is getting rather out of hand.
Jongin can't go to sleep, tossing and turning on his bed until his head hurts and throat feels dry. Everything until now had been so quiet and calm, but ever since he’s met Kyungsoo again, his mind has been full of chaos and noise and these tingly feelings that won’t go away no matter how hard Jongin tires to ignore them. And what’s even more weird is he doesn’t even hate it. He’d given himself a pep talk, that it would be okay as long as they were friends, his feelings would fade out somehow. But that didn’t work and now he can’t stop thinking and thinking. This is not like the times when Jongin had sudden urges to write songs or play a tune on his guitar. This time, Jongin's thoughts are scattered all over the place and not even playing guitar could fix that. So he gets up and shuffles into the kitchen, thinking that a glass of cold water might help him cool down his mind.
Chanyeol enters into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes, apparently for the same the same reason as Jongin. Except that, Jongin looks fully awake, but still very tired and it doesn't take Chanyeol very long to notice that.
"Having trouble sleeping again?" Chanyeol asks him in a groggy voice, this is not the first time Chanyeol has caught Jongin not sleeping. But most of the times, it's when Jongin has guitar in his hands and soft tunes come out of Jongin's room. It used to bother him before, but now he's got habituated to it.
"Yeah. I just have a lot of things going through my mind right now."
Chanyeol nods. "Let me guess, is it about Kyungsoo?" Jongin lets out a gasp. "W-what?"
"Don't you like him or something?"
"How did you know?"
Chanyeol smiles sneakliy at that. "Please. You're not very subtle. You light up like a lightbulb when he's around and this is the first time I've seen you smile around someone so much. I would be a pretty bad friend if I didn’t notice that much."
Jongin knows that Chanyeol has always been observant, something he likes and hates about him at the same time, but he didn't expect him to see through him so easily, is he that transparent? "Who else knows." It doesn't even sound like a question, because if Chanyeol knows then he's pretty sure everyone else does too.
"Everyone. Except Kyungsoo, I think. I didn't expect him to be so dense." Jongin isn't surprised that Kyungsoo doesn't know, which can be either good or bad, Jongin doesn't know. But he's really surprised how Baekhyun hasn't talk about it with him yet, and he doesn’t know what the hell goes on in Sehun’s mind.
"I think you should talk to him."
"I'm really glad that we're friends now. And I don't want to lose him once again. But at the same time, I don’t think that’s enough anymore."
"So you're afraid of rejection?" If Kyungsoo were to reject him it’d probably hurt worse now than it would have hurt back then, though Jongin didn’t even try at that time. He just gave up on him so easily.
"I've seen the way you look at him and the way he looks at you. Trust me, there's not much difference. I think he really cares about you. Maybe he's waiting for you make the move? How will you know unless you try, Jongin?"
Jongin knows that he won't get answers until he really asks. He knows that Kyungsoo does care about him, as a friend but he wishes that it was more than that.
"You should be quick before someone steals him right under your nose, I saw Jongdae hitting on him last time. You should be careful." This is not the first time it's happening and the last time it happened, Jongin got his heart broken before he could even confess, but now there's a second chance and Jongin is going to waste it because of his insecurities. He really, really likes Kyungsoo. He’d never stopped falling in love with him at all, even when he'd been so desperate to get over him and was just ready to be a friend for lifetime. But he doesn't want that anymore. All his life, Jongin has been a coward, he's never taken any risk, always scared that everything will fall apart by his one stupid move. But Kyungsoo is worth every risk, and he simply can't afford to lose Kyungsoo again.
They’re playing in front of a bigger crowd this time, in the summer music festival, along with other relevant people, in front of those who are unknown to them and their music. Jogin has faith in his band and his confident enough about his skills. But Jongin is nervous, anyway and he knows that everyone else is too. Chanyeol does a good job of hiding it and Sehun just looks expressionless 99% of the time, but Jongin knows that they’re nervous too. Even Kyungsoo looks a little nervous, Jongin pats him in the back just to give him a little confidence.
Jongin is nervous about something else entirely, he’d been thinking about what Chanyeol said yesterday. Chanyeol was right. Maybe he just needed to talk to Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo would understand, but still the fear of rejection outweighs everything else and he doesn’t exactly know how the hell he is going to do that. He doesn’t even know where to begin.
Jongin can spot Jongdae, Luhan and Baekhyun among the crowd all waving at them. Chanyeol begins with his drum intro, it always helps to make an impression, and then they play the song they’ve played for thousand times already. If Kyungsoo seemed nervous before, now he just seems excited. Jongin is glad that Kyungsoo is enjoying himself. Now, Jongin wouldn’t mind if Kyungsoo really became a permanent member, he knows without asking that Kyungsoo likes singing with them.
The cheers are louder than anything they’ve ever received until now. Jongin likes the feeling of being on the stage with all his friends, playing a song for the crowd, making them dance to the beat of their song, it’s all he has ever dreamed of. Chanyeol comes up to bear-hug him and Jongin reciprocates, even Sehun is grinning like an idiot, Jongin sees Kyungsoo smiling as he approaches him, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to hug him right now.
Then it happens so fast, Kyungsoo tugs him by his nape and smashes their lips together. Jongin thinks he heard someone shrieking from the audience but he can't be sure with the sound of his heart pounding in his chest. His first instinct is to close eyes and he slowly lets it sink in. Kyungsoo. Is kissing him. Kyungsoo is kissing him and it almost feels like a dream. Wait, but what is he supposed to do now? What does this even mean? Why is Kyungsoo kissing him in front of so many people. He thinks he should be embarrassed but his head is swimming in all kind of possibilities and yet, Kyungsoo's lips on his own feel so good, it's far better than anything he's ever imagined.
Jongin is too shocked to move. Either that, or Jongin is a horribly inexperienced kisser. Probably both. Kyungsoo leans away, it only lasted for a second, just a simple peck, but to Jongin it felt so long. His lips look just as soft as they'd just felt just now. Jongin is still staring at him with wide eyes, lips agape. Kyungsoo's expression goes from surprised to confused to hurt in a span of five seconds and Jongin doesn't know what to make of that. Maybe it was just a mistake in Kyungsoo's part, a spur of the moment, he feels like an idiot, he should have known.
Jongin closes his eyes and takes a deep breath and gets the hell out of there, because that's the only thing he knows, running away, when things get scary. He doesn't know whether he should be happy because Kyungsoo kissed him or sad because maybe Kyungsoo didn't even mean to kiss him. All he knows is that he's fucking scared. Scared that he's going to get his heart broken all over again.
Jongin groans and buries his face into the pillow while Baekhyun stands in the door, clucking his tongue in sympathy. Chanyeol sighs, it is so difficult to be Jongin’s friend sometimes.
"You should have seen your face." Chanyeol's laughter is annoying. Jongin throws a pillow at his face. "Shut up. He kissed me so suddenly that I just freaked out okay?"
"But isn’t that a good thing? I can’t believe you actually ran away." Okay, it’s true that it was kind of dumb to just run away like that, but if Jongin had stayed he would not be able to stop himself from asking about the kiss, which would lead to a confrontation and probably end up with Jongin, on his knees, crying and declaring his love for Kyungsoo, and in front of so many people no less. That would be so pathetic.
But Kyungsoo has neither called nor texted him ever since then, which just adds to his confusion. Did he want to kiss him or was it just some kind of fluke, perhaps Jongin had imagined everything but then Chanyeol and Baekhyun would never know about it if it was merely just imagination. He just wants to curl up in his bed and sleep for maybe, a year. And currently, Chanyeol laughing and Baekhyun being all snarky is not helping his situation. He has such horrible friends.
"Don’t tell me it was your first kiss." Chanyeol snorts. Jongin has had it enough, he shoves both of them out of his room and shuts the door as loudly and violently as he can, hoping that it would finally convince the two to leave him alone.
Then he slumps against the door. Chanyeol is wrong. It wasn’t his first kiss. But it was Kyungsoo and Jongin’s first kiss and Jongin screwed up everything, if Kyungsoo didn’t hate him then he probably does now. Ugh. Why is this so hard.
Jongin doesn't have to think twice to know that this is all his friends set this up to make him confess to Kyungsoo. Chanyeol had scolded him and told him that he wouldn't kick him out of his house if Jongin didn’t come to practise. Jongin might have felt a guilty for being a hindrance, so he thought maybe he could avoid Kyungsoo through sheer willpower but how is he supposed to do that when they are both alone, without any of their friends around. This time it's not just awkwardness, there’s a real tension in the air and Jongin is already starting to feel a little queasy.
It's probably because their practice room is already too cramped, but now it feels smaller somehow. Kyungsoo's lips are turned into a frown, and he isn't looking at Jongin. Jongin knows that he screwed up, but the way Kyungsoo refuses to even acknowledge his existence, hurts him more than anything.
"Kyungsoo." Jongin makes up his mind, it's now or never. Jongin thinks it doesn't matter if he hates himself later for it, but now he just needs to get this out of his chest.
Kyungsoo has his arms crossed, and he still won’t look at him, but Jongin knows that he is listening. Jongin closes his eyes, he still doesn’t know what to say but maybe that’s the only way Jongin can make him understand. "I'm sorry. I know you think I'm an asshole, and you're right. I'm a really bad friend and that's probably because I could never be a friend to you. I-I've just liked you for such a long time, and I still like you so much that it hurts when all we can ever be is friends. I thought maybe you liked me too, but you never acted like you did, so I just thought I was just hoping for too much and then you kissed me so suddenly and I really freaked out. I promised we would always be friends, but I just couldn't keep that promise and now you probably hate me and I’m sorry that I’m in love with you and that I never told you and ugh, I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore."
Jongin hides his face with his hands, bracing himself for whatever Kyungsoo might say.
"Jongin." Kyungsoo says softly. Jongin looks up, Kyungsoo's face is close and there's a hint of a smile on his face. "I know that you like me. You don't have to apologize for that." Jongin stares at his eyes, they look warm and sincere.
"What."
"Yeah. I probably took a long time to realize that and even much longer to realize that I liked you too. But you’ve always been so important to me, and when we met again, all I wanted to do was keep you for myself so you would never leave me again. I thought I’d kill you if we met again, I was so mad at you, but when I saw you I just wanted to hug you and kiss the hell out of you. Isn’t that weird?" Kyungsoo has a faint blush on his face, but his gaze is fixed on Jongin. Jongin feels like his insides are melting.
"You like me?" He says, probably looking dumb while he says so. But he's so happy. Kyungsoo nods, and Jongin is so happy that he can feel tears welling up in his eyes. Dammit. Jongin. You can't cry now.
"And you didn't want to tell me that you like me because of that promise. Are you actually an idiot?" Kyungsoo says as he caresses his cheek. Kyungsoo leans in as Jongin closes his eyes to feel Kyungsoo's lips just barely graze against his own. "Because you know, we could still always be friends. Friends in love. Boyfriends, even."
Jongin pulls his closer for a tight embrace, this is all he's ever wanted, for Kyungsoo to be in his arms and be solely his, but he'd always kept his distance, always stopped himself even if Kyungsoo was always close enough to grasp. If only he hadn't been so insecure and scared, maybe he wouldn't have been a mess back then, Kyungsoo had always been his saving grace and now he has finally got him, though it did took a lot of effort, Jongin is sure that he will never let him go.
Because friends sounds good, but boyfriends sounds so much better.
Jongin is resting his head comfortably on Kyungsoo's lap, while Kyungsoo cards his fingers through his hair in a soothing manner. Jongin's heart feels like it's about to burst with all the love and warmth that Kyungsoo seems to radiate. It is still a little hard to wrap the idea around his head, that they’re boyfriends now. To think that Jongin spend all those years running away from love, and all the effort he made not to fall in love with Kyungsoo again, when Kyungsoo was in love with him, too.
Kyungsoo hums a song under his breath, it's the song written by Jongin himself. Jongin thinks that maybe he should really start writing some cheesy love songs now. Maybe he should write one for Kyungsoo and Jongin only, a song that only Kyungsoo and Jongin know the words to, it would be their own song.
"What are you thinking?" Kyungsoo stops humming to ask. Jongin hadn't realized that he had been smiling unconsciously. But that's just one of the effects Kyungsoo has on Jongin, along with heart palpitations.
"I'm just thinking that I should write a song for us, for only you and me." Kyungsoo mirrors the smile on his face, and leans down to press a kiss on his forehead.
"Is it going to be a stupid love song?"
"No. It's about how cruel you are and how much you've made me suffer." Kyungsoo leans away with a pout, Jongin chuckles at how Kyungsoo can be so sensitive at times, but Kyungsoo looks too adorable with lips puckered like that, so much that it would unfair to not kiss him. So he does. Kyungsoo gasps into the kiss, and hits him on his chest playfully. Jongin gets up to wrap his arms around his waist and nuzzles his nose into his collarbones. "I'm just kidding. It can be about anything you want it to be."
Kyungsoo hums, his lips are close to his ears and it sends vibrations from Jongin's ears all the way to his heart. Kyungsoo leans away and cups Jongin's cheek with his palms.
"I didn't expect you to be such a sappy romantic. You're hopeless." Kyungsoo kisses him this time, and it's an actual kiss, with Kyungsoo’s tongue licking his lips fervently and Jongin trying not to moan at the sensation. This time Jongin isn't freaking out, because finally Jongin can admit to himself that he's in love and it doesn't hurt. Jongin might be imperfect and Kyungsoo might be just a little bit dense, but this is probably what perfection feels like.
Jongin parts his lips and tilts his head so that Kyungsoo can kiss him better, with his fingers running through his hair and tugging him closer. Jongin just wants to kiss him forever.
They only part when they need to breathe. Kyungsoo's lips look moist and a little kiss-swollen, and Jongin just wants to lean in and kiss him again but Kyungsoo stops him.
"Remember that time, you promised to do one thing, whatever I asked?" Jongin nods. He'd never really forgotten about that, but he thought that maybe Kyungsoo had. "Yeah, well. I want to use it now."
Jongin waits for Kyungsoo to speak up. Kyungsoo is biting his lips, looking slightly unsure of himself. He doesn't have to feel so nervous, he knows that Jongin would say yes in a heartbeat to whatever it is that Kyungsoo asks him to do.
"Move in with me." Kyungsoo says softly. Jongin stares at him with wide eyes. Did Kyungsoo just ask him to move in with him?
"Yes. I did. And you're thinking out aloud." Kyungsoo laughs. It's actually not a bad idea, in fact it's a really, really good idea. Jongin will finally stop being a third wheel to Baekhyun and Chanyeol. Kyungsoo's apartment is bigger and he really likes it here. But most importantly, he'll get to spend more time with Kyungsoo. His mind reels with the possibilities of all the things they could do together. Jongin’s heart isn’t ready for this.
"It's okay if you don't want to, I mean I know it’s too early-" Jongin throws his arms around Kyungsoo. "No. I want to. I really, really want to."
Jongin imagines how it would be, to wake up to Kyungsoo beside him, with his smile on his lips and his heart close to his own. Jongin could kiss him as much as he wants to, watch movies and cuddle like idiot boyfriends, they would be even cheesier than Baekhyun and Chanyeol. It would be just like how they used to have sleepovers, but much better.
“So. That’s a yes?”
Kyungsoo peers at him expectantly. Jongin answers with a soft kiss on his forehead. It’s undoubtedly a yes.
Title: Broken Heart Beats (How Long 'Til We Call This Love)
Pairings: Kai/D.O, slight!Baekhyun/Chanyeol
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 7,200
Summary: Jongin tries to make-believe that he isn't falling for Kyungsoo again, and it's okay to be just how they have always been. But he can only keep on pretending for so long. Band!au, sort of.
Author’s Note: The title taken from Christina Perri's song Distance. To my recipient: this is probably not what you're expecting and i might have strayed off from the prompt just a tiny bit, but i hope you like it <3 Also, thank you mods, for being so patient with me!
When Chanyeol introduces him to the new lead vocalist, Jongin definitely doesn't expect him to be the one person he's been trying to forget for the last four years of his life. Kyungsoo stares at him, wide eyes and furrowed eyebrows, Jongin nearly forgets to breathe.
"Oh." Jongin blinks. It's like his mind has forgotten how to process words for a minute. He knows he's supposed to say hello or something, but that seems too detached and strange. He swallows a lump in his throat. He feels his throat constricting, so he tries to distract himself by drumming on his guitar with his fingers to no particular beat.
"Jongin? Kim Jongin?" Kyungsoo is smiling and Jongin tries to curve his lips into something that looks like a smile, though he knows he probably looks weird.
"Wait. So you know each other?" Chanyeol points at both of them, and sighs dramatically. "Thank god, I won't have to try hard to coax Jongin out of his awkwardness. He doesn't do very well with strangers."
"He’s got some mad people skills." Sehun chimes in, looking away from his phone for once. Jongin glares daggers at both him and Chanyeol.
"I know." Kyungsoo chuckles. Now he's looking at Jongin. If there was a ever a right time to disappear from the face of the earth, Jongin figures that it would be now. His eyes are questioning and just a bit curious. Jongin knew that someday he would meet Kyungsoo again, but he hadn’t imagined how it would be, what he would say and how he would explain why Jongin didn't contact Kyungsoo even once in these four years.
“That’s Oh Sehun.” Sehun flashes a victory sign. “He’s in charge of the keys.” Chanyeol goes on to explain about him being multi-talented for being able to play both drums and the bass but Jongin tunes him out.
Jongin had imagined that maybe they would meet on a rainy day, or when it was snowing, something dramatic. But this is almost anti-climatic and yet, hundred times more nerve-wracking. His palms feels sweaty and his mouth feels unnaturally dry. Relax, he tells himself, it’s just Kyungsoo.
Maybe this is Jongin’s punishment for being the Worst Best Friend Ever.
Kyungsoo and Jongin met in the junior high and hit it off immediately, both being socially awkward teenagers. Jongin liked Kyungsoo because Kyungsoo understood him more than anyone, because Kyungsoo understood when Jongin said he loved music more than anything else as it was the same for him. It was the first time Jongin felt that kind of connection with anyone, Kyungsoo made Jongin feel safe and comfortable, as if everything would be alright if Jongin had Kyungsoo.
It took him a little longer than necessary to realize that the connection, that little spark had turned into a massive crush. Jongin felt a tingle running down his spine every time Kyungsoo put his arms around his shoulders and a hand on his thighs, innocent touches here and there setting the butterflies in his stomach into a frenzy. Jongin thought that maybe it was some kind of heart problem, but one day when they were having a sleepover and Jongin suddenly had an urge to kiss him, he thought that maybe it was something more complicated than heartburn.
Jongin was too late, because in the senior year of highschool Kyungsoo got himself a boyfriend. His name was Hyunsik and Jongin only ever tolerated his presence because of Kyungsoo. Jongin didn't know how they started dating or how they met in the first place, and it's not like Jongin could be mad at Kyungsoo for liking someone, so he did what a best friend should do, stayed by his side and supported him.
It proved to be more than difficult, even without the constant painful jabs on his heart every time Hyunsik made Kyungsoo laugh, or whenever Hyunsik was around. It seemed like Kyungsoo had no time for Jongin, now that he had to spend his time with his boyfriend and it made him bitter. Heartbreak aside, he missed his best friend a lot.
A lot things happened after they graduated from high school. Jongin's parents divorced, they didn't get along with each other anyway, and apparently neither wanted to look after Jongin because Jongin was apparently old enough to fend for himself now and music wasn’t a ‘respectable career choice’ anyway. It didn't matter to him much because they’d never really made an effort to understand him, both of them too busy with their own lives. Nobody wanted him anymore, not his parents and not even his best friend, so he figured that if they didn’t need him he wouldn’t need them either.
Maybe Jongin was being a little selfish and impulsive, when he cut all of his ties with his parents and Kyungsoo and his friends from high school. Kyungsoo even tried to call and message him multiple times, but Jongin ignored him. It was for the best, he thought it was the only way he could get over him, if Kyungsoo was happy with Hyunsik then Jongin would be happy too and he could be happy on his own.
Except it didn't quite work out that way. Even after Jongin joined university, met Chanyeol and Baekhyun and they decided to form a band (because Chanyeol liked playing drums and Baekhyun liked singing and Jongin just happened to have a good knowledge of guitar and a little more time to kill on his hands), later Sehun joined them and Jongin had three close friends now, it felt like something was missing for some reason. He’d been so used to having Kyungsoo around that the lack of his presence was a void that could never be refilled. That is probably why Jongin couldn't fall in love with anyone else. Sehun said that Jongin was just too awkward for relationships while Baekhyun called him 'commitment-phobic' but if Jongin ever learned anything from his parents then it was that relationships only ever worked when feelings were involved and Kyungsoo was the only person Jongin ever had feelings for.
Jongin missed him a lot, and it was too late to realize that he’d made a big mistake, he’d been selfish and he’d broken Kyungsoo’s trust. That's probably why Jongin spent nights writing sad songs, strumming melodies on his guitar and trying to trace his smile in his mind, wondering if Kyungsoo hated him now.
They are in a typical hole-in-the-wall restaurant. Baekhyun had joined them after his vocal therapy, celebrating Kyungsoo's official recruitment in their band even though he is a temporary member. Baekhyun had developed vocal nodules and had been advised by his doctor not to sing for some months or else he could seriously damage his voice. It was a really big inconvenience considering Baekhyun was the lead vocalist and neither of the rest of the members could sing as well as he did. Baekhyun felt sorry, so he took it upon himself to find a new vocalist. It was a good thing that Baekhyun was a social butterfly and he knew a lot of people. A week later, he said he'd found just the right person to replace him temporarily.
And of course, it had to be Kyungsoo, of all people.
Kyungsoo sat opposite to him and Jongin was a little too wary of him. Jongin couldn't deny that Kyungsoo was the best lead singer they could get and if Kyungsoo decided not to sing with them because of Jongin, Chanyeol will probably skin him alive. Chanyeol and Sehun were immediately smitten by Kyungsoo's voice-Jongin felt a little proud at that-and Chanyeol told him that he would consider making him a permanent member if fans liked him and if Kyungsoo wanted to. Jongin didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
"So...you two know each other?" Baekhyun asks in his usually loud voice, which earns him a mild scolding from Chanyeol who is always worried that Baekhyun might strain his voice even further. Baekhyun rolls his eyes but grins when Chanyeol wipes the food from his lips with his fingers. With so many things going through his mind, Jongin forgot for a second that Baekhyun and Chanyeol are a couple and like to do gross couple things in front of their friends. Sehun doesn't seem much affected by that but he's never really affected by anything. Jongin is more susceptible to it because he shares an apartment with them and has seen a little too much, traumatizing memories that he'd rather not remember.
He glances at Kyungsoo and sees him biting his lips, an effort to suppress his smile. It was his old habit, Jongin remembered perfectly, because it used to drive Jongin nuts back then. Jongin kept wondering how it would feel like to kiss his perfect, pink lips. And it's still the same. Jongin was thinking of making amends with Kyungsoo so that they could get past the awkwardness, and maybe return back to being friends if Kyungsoo wanted to, but it's going to be hard if all he can think about is kissing him.
"We were friends in high school. Best friends, in fact." Kyungsoo says to Baekhyun, but he is looking at Jongin, with sad eyes. Jongin hates himself a little bit more.
"How come you didn't talk to each other then?" Chanyeol says, a little sauce leaking out of his mouth. Jongin is used to it by now, but it is still gross.
"I've been wondering that too." Kyungsoo mutters. That's when Jongin decides that Kyungsoo really deserves an apology, they can’t go on with this for too long.
Jongin tells Chanyeol and others to go without them because Kyungsoo and him have a lot of catching up to do, but now when they’re alone, Jongin actually wishes that they were still here, at least he wouldn’t have to go through this awkward silence. Jongin can’t help it, he can practically feel the awkwardness oozing out of him.
He clears his throat. "I'm sorry, Kyungsoo.” He begins, his mouth tastes like cotton, has it always been this hard to apologize to Kyungsoo, Jongin used to do this all the time, for one thing or another. And then Kyungsoo would pretend to be mad for a few seconds, and then everything would go back to normal. If only it was so easy this time. “For being a really shitty best friend."
Kyungsoo sighs once, then he glances up at jongin who is still looking down at the ground, too scared to meet his eyes. "All these years, I've been thinking so hard about why you would never call me or talk to me even once. I kept wondering what that hell did I do to upset you so much."
"No...it's not you. You did nothing wrong. It's just me. A lot of things happened after high school." Kyungsoo nods. “Yeah, I know. I called your parents. They didn’t know about you either.”
"I'm really, really sorry. I understand that you hate me." He wonders why Kyungsoo would go as far to talk to his parents.
Kyungsoo shakes his head. "I don't hate you. I can never hate you." There’s a small smile on his face now, it lights up Jongin’s heart with hope. It’s such a relief to hear it from his own mouth that Kyungsoo doesn’t hate him. "I'm still very mad at you, though."
Kyungsoo laughs. Wow, Jongin had really missed that sound. "But...I can forgive you if you agree to never pull this kind of shit again. You promised once, that we will always be friends. You obviously don’t remember, do you?" Jongin gapes, he can’t actually believe Kyungsoo remembered that. It was just something Jongin said once randomly, even though he’d meant every word of it.
Kyungsoo suddenly leans in to give a hug. It’s warm, Kyungsoo has always felt so warm and his hugs are especially nice, like listening to your favorite song on a rainy day. Jongin buries his face on Kyungsoo’s shoulders, it would be nice if they could stay this way forever.
"Are we friends again?" Jongin says, voice muffled.
"Yeah, we're friends." Kyungsoo says. “But I have a condition...you have to promise to do one thing for me. ” Jongin says yes, he would do anything that would make Kyungsoo happy. “Really? It could be anything.”
“What is it?”
“I’ll think of something and let you know.”
Kyungsoo gets used to their clique quite easily. It's good to be around Kyungsoo, Jongin remembers why it had been so easy to be friends with Kyungsoo back then. Sure, Jongin had a few friends before him and after him, but none of them were like Kyungsoo. Jongin didn't have to pretend to be interested in anything if he wasn't, he could put his head on Kyungsoo's shoulders and drift off if he wanted to, and the best part was that he could hear Kyungsoo sing his song. It's a warm, fuzzy feeling that spreads all over his heart, when Kyungsoo remembers all these little things about Jongin from the past, like how he absolutely hates Americano but likes Caffe Latte, how Jongin prefers playing his guitar without a pick. It's nice that they can be so close again, and Jongin thinks that it's okay to just be like this. Friends, and nothing else.
They'd started out small, playing in the streets of Hongdae and doing occasional shows at the local bars. It's strange how much they've grown in the past two years. They even have a small fanbase of their own. Chanyeol believes that it's because of their name, Exoplanet, meaning that they come from ’outer space’. Chanyeol was the one who came up with the name because he thought it was cool, while Jongin could really care less about the name, he was happy as long as they could play the kind of music they wanted, maybe Jongin just enjoyed the solidarity and the idea of being useful.
It's the first time they are playing without Baekhyun, and he hates to admit it, but he's nervous. He has no doubt that their fans will love Kyungsoo (because how can anyone not like Kyungsoo?), but this is the first time they are performing officially together. That in itself is enough to put Jongin on edge, what if he messed up in the middle of performance, with Jongin's nerves, it's very much possible that Jongin might even break a string of his guitar or something.
Baekhyun is in the crowd, cheering them on. He has a wide smile on his face, but Jongin knows that not being able to perform along with the others, bothers him more than he lets on. Hopefully his nodules will disappear and he'll be able to sing soon. On the other hand, Kyungsoo looks nervous. Biting his lips and fidgeting his hands. Jongin remembers the first time he'd performed in front of people, Jongin's condition had been even worse, but now it's as easy as breathing. When Kyungsoo looks his way, Jongin flashes him a thumbs up, Kyungsoo smiles and nods firmly, his cue that he's going to do his best.
The performance goes better than expected. Kyungsoo sighs in relief, people seem to love his voice. Sehun and Chanyeol are both grinning widely when Jongin glances at them. No matter how many time they perform, it will always be the same. The nervous, jittery feeling before the show and the euphoria after the encore. Jongin isn't easily excitable but he always feels like he's bursting at the seams when he's performing, and he knows it's the same for his friends. It seems like Kyungsoo has been affected by their energy, he's practically radiating happiness and his happiness is contagious, Jongin feels like his face is going to break if he smiles harder.
Kyungsoo invites him to his apartment once. His apartment isn't very colorful but it isn't particularly bland either. It's at least a lot less messier than Jongin's room. It has a sort of homely feel to it, even if kyungsoo lives alone. Kyungsoo doesn’t seem to be dating anyone, these days he spends more time practising with them, so Jongin can’t be too sure. They haven't talked about anything like such, Jongin is a little apprehensive to ask and if Kyungsoo is curious why Jongin’s been single for so long then he doesn't show it. It's a not a very interesting topic to talk about anyway.
Kyungsoo gestures him sit on the couch as he goes into the kitchen to make some food for both of them. Jongin glances around the living room, there's nothing else to do so he just turns on the T.V. He gets bored pretty soon, so he turns the T.V off and stares at Kyungsoo's back cooking something in the oven. The apartment is soon filled with the aroma of kimchi stew, and Jongin's stomach rumbles, reminded of how he used to absolutely love Kyungsoo's cooking and how he's getting to taste it again after such a long time now.
Kyungsoo doesn't have a table so they have to settle with eating in the couch, Jongin doesn't mind because that's how they eat at his apartment too, though Baekhyun and Chanyeol are messy eaters and Jongin might have picked up their habit, so he doesn't want to ruin Kyungsoo's couch. Kyungsoo tells him that it's fine, Jongin can’t be that bad. Jongin isn’t convinced so he decides to be careful.
There's something that's bugging him for a while now, a question he's been dying yet dreading to ask at the same time. His stomach churns, with all the possible scenarios, a strange feeling in his gut that Jongin tries really hard to ignore. Now is a good time as any, and if he doesn't ask him now he probably won't be able to sleep tonight, thinking about how he could have said it but didn't and how there won't be any more chances like this.
"So you live alone? You don't have someone like a roommate or...a boyfriend." Jongin asks him, hoping that Kyungsoo doesn't notice the way his cheeks turn a little red.
"I had a roommate but he moved out a couple of months ago." Kyungsoo drones before taking a mouthful of food into his mouth. Jongin should really stop thinking that he looks adorable when he's eating. "And I've been single for some time now."
"Oh. What about Hyunsik?"
"What about him?" Kyungsoo is staring at him suspiciously now. Jongin hopes he isn't being too invasive, but it's normal for friends to know about their love life, isn't it?
"You were together in high school so I thought-"
"Oh, we broke up shortly after graduation. I'm surprised you remembered." Kyungsoo says offhandedly.
Of course, Jongin remembers. How he could he forget, he spend a whole year being jealous over Hyunsik for getting to spend so much time with his best friend, for stealing Kyungsoo away from him. Still, it doesn’t mean he should be happy because they broke up. Kyungsoo doesn't need to know about that. Jongin clears his throat awkwardly, and searches through his mind for other topics to talk about, but ends up with none. Luckily, Kyungsoo does it for him.
"Um, did you want to watch a movie, or something? Since we haven't done that for who knows how long, so.."
Jongin says that a movie is fine and lets Kyungsoo choose one, because he isn't very up-to-date with movies these days. The movie Kyungsoo chooses turns out to be a pretty interesting action movie. That gives an excuse to Jongin to steal glances at Kyungsoo when he's completely engrossed in the movie. Unfortunately, when the movie ends and Kyungsoo asks him excitedly about how he liked the movie, Jongin hasn't got much to say except 'yeah, it was great' because the whole time he'd been thinking about how Kyungsoo's thighs brushed against his own, how his lips were so close and Jongin could just tilt his head slightly and kiss him if he wanted to and how Kyungsoo had held on to Jongin’s hand sometime during the movie as if he was afraid that Jongin would leave. Jongin tells himself that it’s nothing, he’s probably reading way too much into it, Kyungsoo has held his hands for countless times before.
It's a fairly good day, Jongin had a test today that went better than expected. It means that he can practise stress-free. That was what he had initially planned, until he saw Jongdae with Luhan in tow, grinning and always so effervescent. It's never stress-free when those two are around, they are noisy and Jongin likes to think he doesn't know them sometimes, but Luhan and Jongdae are effortlessly friendly as if they know Jongin since birth. It's not that they are bad, it's just that they're too different from his kind.
"There's this summer music festival thing coming up. Thought you might be interested." Jongdae has a feral grin on his face as he shoves a paper on Chanyeol's face. Chanyeol and Jongdae are the ones who actually know each other from birth, that's how Jongdae gets an excuse to barge into their practice room whenever he wants. Jongin doesn't know about Luhan though, he’s just always around.
Chanyeol looks at the paper and literally jumps with excitement. Sehun scoffs at him, while Jongin wonders how he even gets the energy. They are the opening act but still, it's too good of an opportunity to waste. But isn't it hard to get a lineup there or something?
Jongdae shrugs, smugly. "Well, I pulled some strings for you peasants. All you have to do is entertain the crowd and treat me to pizza and alcohol. Isn't that nice?" Chanyeol gives a high-five to Jongdae while he mouths ‘you’re the best’.
"Oh. Who's that?" Jongdae says, when he sees Kyungsoo, standing there awkwardly by himself. Jongin doesn't like the way Jongdae's smile grows even bigger and there is that teasing glint in his eyes that Jongin knows too well from firsthand experience.
Jongdae gives his hand for Kyungsoo to shake. His hands linger a little longer. No. Jongin. Stop. There’s no reason why he should even be bothered. Kyungsoo isn't his. It doesn't matter if Jongdae flirts with him. In fact, Kyungsoo can date whoever he wants to, even if he is Jongdae, they both sing well and they do look good together and he’s not as awkward as Jongin. But Kyungsoo is smiling keenly at Jongdae, who is a little too close to him that it's bound to be uncomfortable, but Kyungsoo isn't showing any signs of that, he seems interested in whatever Jongdae is saying, what is it about Jongdae that has got Kyungsoo so interested-
Someone taps on his shoulders, Jongin glances up. It's Luhan. "Jongin. You okay?" He says, he looks more amused than concerned. "Yeah. Why would I be not okay?" Jongin shrugs, and he really doesn't like the way Luhan's lips curl into a smirk as he glances at Jongdae and Kyungsoo. "You made a weird face just now." He says. Jongin scowls. He doesn't get Luhan sometimes.
Jongdae manages to get Kyungsoo's phone number before leaving, and Luhan smiles all too knowingly, much to Jongin's exasperation. He thinks that maybe he should try to convince Kyungsoo that Jongdae and Luhan are both evil and not to talk to them, but then decides against it because that is just silly. This is getting rather out of hand.
Jongin can't go to sleep, tossing and turning on his bed until his head hurts and throat feels dry. Everything until now had been so quiet and calm, but ever since he’s met Kyungsoo again, his mind has been full of chaos and noise and these tingly feelings that won’t go away no matter how hard Jongin tires to ignore them. And what’s even more weird is he doesn’t even hate it. He’d given himself a pep talk, that it would be okay as long as they were friends, his feelings would fade out somehow. But that didn’t work and now he can’t stop thinking and thinking. This is not like the times when Jongin had sudden urges to write songs or play a tune on his guitar. This time, Jongin's thoughts are scattered all over the place and not even playing guitar could fix that. So he gets up and shuffles into the kitchen, thinking that a glass of cold water might help him cool down his mind.
Chanyeol enters into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes, apparently for the same the same reason as Jongin. Except that, Jongin looks fully awake, but still very tired and it doesn't take Chanyeol very long to notice that.
"Having trouble sleeping again?" Chanyeol asks him in a groggy voice, this is not the first time Chanyeol has caught Jongin not sleeping. But most of the times, it's when Jongin has guitar in his hands and soft tunes come out of Jongin's room. It used to bother him before, but now he's got habituated to it.
"Yeah. I just have a lot of things going through my mind right now."
Chanyeol nods. "Let me guess, is it about Kyungsoo?" Jongin lets out a gasp. "W-what?"
"Don't you like him or something?"
"How did you know?"
Chanyeol smiles sneakliy at that. "Please. You're not very subtle. You light up like a lightbulb when he's around and this is the first time I've seen you smile around someone so much. I would be a pretty bad friend if I didn’t notice that much."
Jongin knows that Chanyeol has always been observant, something he likes and hates about him at the same time, but he didn't expect him to see through him so easily, is he that transparent? "Who else knows." It doesn't even sound like a question, because if Chanyeol knows then he's pretty sure everyone else does too.
"Everyone. Except Kyungsoo, I think. I didn't expect him to be so dense." Jongin isn't surprised that Kyungsoo doesn't know, which can be either good or bad, Jongin doesn't know. But he's really surprised how Baekhyun hasn't talk about it with him yet, and he doesn’t know what the hell goes on in Sehun’s mind.
"I think you should talk to him."
"I'm really glad that we're friends now. And I don't want to lose him once again. But at the same time, I don’t think that’s enough anymore."
"So you're afraid of rejection?" If Kyungsoo were to reject him it’d probably hurt worse now than it would have hurt back then, though Jongin didn’t even try at that time. He just gave up on him so easily.
"I've seen the way you look at him and the way he looks at you. Trust me, there's not much difference. I think he really cares about you. Maybe he's waiting for you make the move? How will you know unless you try, Jongin?"
Jongin knows that he won't get answers until he really asks. He knows that Kyungsoo does care about him, as a friend but he wishes that it was more than that.
"You should be quick before someone steals him right under your nose, I saw Jongdae hitting on him last time. You should be careful." This is not the first time it's happening and the last time it happened, Jongin got his heart broken before he could even confess, but now there's a second chance and Jongin is going to waste it because of his insecurities. He really, really likes Kyungsoo. He’d never stopped falling in love with him at all, even when he'd been so desperate to get over him and was just ready to be a friend for lifetime. But he doesn't want that anymore. All his life, Jongin has been a coward, he's never taken any risk, always scared that everything will fall apart by his one stupid move. But Kyungsoo is worth every risk, and he simply can't afford to lose Kyungsoo again.
They’re playing in front of a bigger crowd this time, in the summer music festival, along with other relevant people, in front of those who are unknown to them and their music. Jogin has faith in his band and his confident enough about his skills. But Jongin is nervous, anyway and he knows that everyone else is too. Chanyeol does a good job of hiding it and Sehun just looks expressionless 99% of the time, but Jongin knows that they’re nervous too. Even Kyungsoo looks a little nervous, Jongin pats him in the back just to give him a little confidence.
Jongin is nervous about something else entirely, he’d been thinking about what Chanyeol said yesterday. Chanyeol was right. Maybe he just needed to talk to Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo would understand, but still the fear of rejection outweighs everything else and he doesn’t exactly know how the hell he is going to do that. He doesn’t even know where to begin.
Jongin can spot Jongdae, Luhan and Baekhyun among the crowd all waving at them. Chanyeol begins with his drum intro, it always helps to make an impression, and then they play the song they’ve played for thousand times already. If Kyungsoo seemed nervous before, now he just seems excited. Jongin is glad that Kyungsoo is enjoying himself. Now, Jongin wouldn’t mind if Kyungsoo really became a permanent member, he knows without asking that Kyungsoo likes singing with them.
The cheers are louder than anything they’ve ever received until now. Jongin likes the feeling of being on the stage with all his friends, playing a song for the crowd, making them dance to the beat of their song, it’s all he has ever dreamed of. Chanyeol comes up to bear-hug him and Jongin reciprocates, even Sehun is grinning like an idiot, Jongin sees Kyungsoo smiling as he approaches him, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to hug him right now.
Then it happens so fast, Kyungsoo tugs him by his nape and smashes their lips together. Jongin thinks he heard someone shrieking from the audience but he can't be sure with the sound of his heart pounding in his chest. His first instinct is to close eyes and he slowly lets it sink in. Kyungsoo. Is kissing him. Kyungsoo is kissing him and it almost feels like a dream. Wait, but what is he supposed to do now? What does this even mean? Why is Kyungsoo kissing him in front of so many people. He thinks he should be embarrassed but his head is swimming in all kind of possibilities and yet, Kyungsoo's lips on his own feel so good, it's far better than anything he's ever imagined.
Jongin is too shocked to move. Either that, or Jongin is a horribly inexperienced kisser. Probably both. Kyungsoo leans away, it only lasted for a second, just a simple peck, but to Jongin it felt so long. His lips look just as soft as they'd just felt just now. Jongin is still staring at him with wide eyes, lips agape. Kyungsoo's expression goes from surprised to confused to hurt in a span of five seconds and Jongin doesn't know what to make of that. Maybe it was just a mistake in Kyungsoo's part, a spur of the moment, he feels like an idiot, he should have known.
Jongin closes his eyes and takes a deep breath and gets the hell out of there, because that's the only thing he knows, running away, when things get scary. He doesn't know whether he should be happy because Kyungsoo kissed him or sad because maybe Kyungsoo didn't even mean to kiss him. All he knows is that he's fucking scared. Scared that he's going to get his heart broken all over again.
Jongin groans and buries his face into the pillow while Baekhyun stands in the door, clucking his tongue in sympathy. Chanyeol sighs, it is so difficult to be Jongin’s friend sometimes.
"You should have seen your face." Chanyeol's laughter is annoying. Jongin throws a pillow at his face. "Shut up. He kissed me so suddenly that I just freaked out okay?"
"But isn’t that a good thing? I can’t believe you actually ran away." Okay, it’s true that it was kind of dumb to just run away like that, but if Jongin had stayed he would not be able to stop himself from asking about the kiss, which would lead to a confrontation and probably end up with Jongin, on his knees, crying and declaring his love for Kyungsoo, and in front of so many people no less. That would be so pathetic.
But Kyungsoo has neither called nor texted him ever since then, which just adds to his confusion. Did he want to kiss him or was it just some kind of fluke, perhaps Jongin had imagined everything but then Chanyeol and Baekhyun would never know about it if it was merely just imagination. He just wants to curl up in his bed and sleep for maybe, a year. And currently, Chanyeol laughing and Baekhyun being all snarky is not helping his situation. He has such horrible friends.
"Don’t tell me it was your first kiss." Chanyeol snorts. Jongin has had it enough, he shoves both of them out of his room and shuts the door as loudly and violently as he can, hoping that it would finally convince the two to leave him alone.
Then he slumps against the door. Chanyeol is wrong. It wasn’t his first kiss. But it was Kyungsoo and Jongin’s first kiss and Jongin screwed up everything, if Kyungsoo didn’t hate him then he probably does now. Ugh. Why is this so hard.
Jongin doesn't have to think twice to know that this is all his friends set this up to make him confess to Kyungsoo. Chanyeol had scolded him and told him that he wouldn't kick him out of his house if Jongin didn’t come to practise. Jongin might have felt a guilty for being a hindrance, so he thought maybe he could avoid Kyungsoo through sheer willpower but how is he supposed to do that when they are both alone, without any of their friends around. This time it's not just awkwardness, there’s a real tension in the air and Jongin is already starting to feel a little queasy.
It's probably because their practice room is already too cramped, but now it feels smaller somehow. Kyungsoo's lips are turned into a frown, and he isn't looking at Jongin. Jongin knows that he screwed up, but the way Kyungsoo refuses to even acknowledge his existence, hurts him more than anything.
"Kyungsoo." Jongin makes up his mind, it's now or never. Jongin thinks it doesn't matter if he hates himself later for it, but now he just needs to get this out of his chest.
Kyungsoo has his arms crossed, and he still won’t look at him, but Jongin knows that he is listening. Jongin closes his eyes, he still doesn’t know what to say but maybe that’s the only way Jongin can make him understand. "I'm sorry. I know you think I'm an asshole, and you're right. I'm a really bad friend and that's probably because I could never be a friend to you. I-I've just liked you for such a long time, and I still like you so much that it hurts when all we can ever be is friends. I thought maybe you liked me too, but you never acted like you did, so I just thought I was just hoping for too much and then you kissed me so suddenly and I really freaked out. I promised we would always be friends, but I just couldn't keep that promise and now you probably hate me and I’m sorry that I’m in love with you and that I never told you and ugh, I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore."
Jongin hides his face with his hands, bracing himself for whatever Kyungsoo might say.
"Jongin." Kyungsoo says softly. Jongin looks up, Kyungsoo's face is close and there's a hint of a smile on his face. "I know that you like me. You don't have to apologize for that." Jongin stares at his eyes, they look warm and sincere.
"What."
"Yeah. I probably took a long time to realize that and even much longer to realize that I liked you too. But you’ve always been so important to me, and when we met again, all I wanted to do was keep you for myself so you would never leave me again. I thought I’d kill you if we met again, I was so mad at you, but when I saw you I just wanted to hug you and kiss the hell out of you. Isn’t that weird?" Kyungsoo has a faint blush on his face, but his gaze is fixed on Jongin. Jongin feels like his insides are melting.
"You like me?" He says, probably looking dumb while he says so. But he's so happy. Kyungsoo nods, and Jongin is so happy that he can feel tears welling up in his eyes. Dammit. Jongin. You can't cry now.
"And you didn't want to tell me that you like me because of that promise. Are you actually an idiot?" Kyungsoo says as he caresses his cheek. Kyungsoo leans in as Jongin closes his eyes to feel Kyungsoo's lips just barely graze against his own. "Because you know, we could still always be friends. Friends in love. Boyfriends, even."
Jongin pulls his closer for a tight embrace, this is all he's ever wanted, for Kyungsoo to be in his arms and be solely his, but he'd always kept his distance, always stopped himself even if Kyungsoo was always close enough to grasp. If only he hadn't been so insecure and scared, maybe he wouldn't have been a mess back then, Kyungsoo had always been his saving grace and now he has finally got him, though it did took a lot of effort, Jongin is sure that he will never let him go.
Because friends sounds good, but boyfriends sounds so much better.
Jongin is resting his head comfortably on Kyungsoo's lap, while Kyungsoo cards his fingers through his hair in a soothing manner. Jongin's heart feels like it's about to burst with all the love and warmth that Kyungsoo seems to radiate. It is still a little hard to wrap the idea around his head, that they’re boyfriends now. To think that Jongin spend all those years running away from love, and all the effort he made not to fall in love with Kyungsoo again, when Kyungsoo was in love with him, too.
Kyungsoo hums a song under his breath, it's the song written by Jongin himself. Jongin thinks that maybe he should really start writing some cheesy love songs now. Maybe he should write one for Kyungsoo and Jongin only, a song that only Kyungsoo and Jongin know the words to, it would be their own song.
"What are you thinking?" Kyungsoo stops humming to ask. Jongin hadn't realized that he had been smiling unconsciously. But that's just one of the effects Kyungsoo has on Jongin, along with heart palpitations.
"I'm just thinking that I should write a song for us, for only you and me." Kyungsoo mirrors the smile on his face, and leans down to press a kiss on his forehead.
"Is it going to be a stupid love song?"
"No. It's about how cruel you are and how much you've made me suffer." Kyungsoo leans away with a pout, Jongin chuckles at how Kyungsoo can be so sensitive at times, but Kyungsoo looks too adorable with lips puckered like that, so much that it would unfair to not kiss him. So he does. Kyungsoo gasps into the kiss, and hits him on his chest playfully. Jongin gets up to wrap his arms around his waist and nuzzles his nose into his collarbones. "I'm just kidding. It can be about anything you want it to be."
Kyungsoo hums, his lips are close to his ears and it sends vibrations from Jongin's ears all the way to his heart. Kyungsoo leans away and cups Jongin's cheek with his palms.
"I didn't expect you to be such a sappy romantic. You're hopeless." Kyungsoo kisses him this time, and it's an actual kiss, with Kyungsoo’s tongue licking his lips fervently and Jongin trying not to moan at the sensation. This time Jongin isn't freaking out, because finally Jongin can admit to himself that he's in love and it doesn't hurt. Jongin might be imperfect and Kyungsoo might be just a little bit dense, but this is probably what perfection feels like.
Jongin parts his lips and tilts his head so that Kyungsoo can kiss him better, with his fingers running through his hair and tugging him closer. Jongin just wants to kiss him forever.
They only part when they need to breathe. Kyungsoo's lips look moist and a little kiss-swollen, and Jongin just wants to lean in and kiss him again but Kyungsoo stops him.
"Remember that time, you promised to do one thing, whatever I asked?" Jongin nods. He'd never really forgotten about that, but he thought that maybe Kyungsoo had. "Yeah, well. I want to use it now."
Jongin waits for Kyungsoo to speak up. Kyungsoo is biting his lips, looking slightly unsure of himself. He doesn't have to feel so nervous, he knows that Jongin would say yes in a heartbeat to whatever it is that Kyungsoo asks him to do.
"Move in with me." Kyungsoo says softly. Jongin stares at him with wide eyes. Did Kyungsoo just ask him to move in with him?
"Yes. I did. And you're thinking out aloud." Kyungsoo laughs. It's actually not a bad idea, in fact it's a really, really good idea. Jongin will finally stop being a third wheel to Baekhyun and Chanyeol. Kyungsoo's apartment is bigger and he really likes it here. But most importantly, he'll get to spend more time with Kyungsoo. His mind reels with the possibilities of all the things they could do together. Jongin’s heart isn’t ready for this.
"It's okay if you don't want to, I mean I know it’s too early-" Jongin throws his arms around Kyungsoo. "No. I want to. I really, really want to."
Jongin imagines how it would be, to wake up to Kyungsoo beside him, with his smile on his lips and his heart close to his own. Jongin could kiss him as much as he wants to, watch movies and cuddle like idiot boyfriends, they would be even cheesier than Baekhyun and Chanyeol. It would be just like how they used to have sleepovers, but much better.
“So. That’s a yes?”
Kyungsoo peers at him expectantly. Jongin answers with a soft kiss on his forehead. It’s undoubtedly a yes.