[H04] MIRAGE
Prompt Code: H04
Title: Mirage
Rating: G
Side Pairings (if any): -
Warnings: Depression implied.
Word Count: 6913
Summary: n. 1. Something illusory or insubstantial.
Kyungsoo is drowning in a blank ocean of thoughts and Jongin is sailing over it.
AU: Based on Drip Drop by Taemin
AN: I just want to take a moment to thank my beta for all of the hard work they put into this. Thank you to the prompter for proposing to me this beautiful prompt. (I hope you enjoy this even thought it might not be what you wanted) Thank you to the people that have been constantly supporting me. And lastly, thank you to you, reader, for stopping by.
A Big Ocean is in front of my eyes,
A motion that eats me alive
I can’t get away
☂☂☂
4:36 am; the streets that wind across the city are empty; not a soul is out. Humid air wraps around the small amount of furniture the room contains. In the corner of the apartment, a young man has just escaped from his nightmare. Though his eyes are open, he is still afraid; his heart is beating faster than yesterday and his mind is empty. Eyes wide open staring into the darkness that surrounds him, his breathing slowly regulates itself after each breath of fresh air he inhales. Yes, Kyungsoo wakes up from his nightmare to find himself in another one-reality.
He gently rises from his bed that is holding cold sweat and bad dreams,, then heads to the bathroom to wash his face with ice cold water. He then goes near the window and opens the heavy curtains as he usually does after a nightmare. In front of him stands a pitch black sky and invisible stars washed away by the city-lights. He extends his hands out of the open window and feels raindrops hitting his palm.
Drip… Drop…
The sound of the raindrops rings in his ears, at this moment Kyungsoo knows it’s the start of a new day he’ll have to endure. Even though the day has just started, he is already tired.
Every day is a copy of another; Kyungsoo wakes up, heads to college, completes his night shift, and goes back to sleep to eventually wake up again. Yesterday is today, today is tomorrow and tomorrow will inevitably be like yesterday.
The young man stands still in front of the window for a couple of minutes and enjoys the only moment of serenity he’ll have today. “Breathe in, breathe out’’, he repeats in his head. His body calmly moves towards the kitchen. Extending his hand, he picks up a cup of black coffee from yesterday sitting on the counter. Not even bothering to warm it up, he takes a sip of the bitter beverage that stings his tongue. After a few sips, he neatly puts the cup back on the counter and grabs a pile of books and an umbrella before passing through the door frame and locking the small apartment.
Outside, the rain is still pouring. Light clear raindrops are falling from the dark skies. The rain season made its appearance again. As he takes a step out and opens his navy blue umbrella, history repeats itself. Just like yesterday, he messily holds the umbrella as he walks towards his early morning classes that won’t start before 6am.
Time passes and Kyungsoo is fully aware of it. The clock hands constantly move and Kyungsoo walks right beside them. Walking hand in hand with time; this is how the young man lives through every day, week, month and year. Somehow, Kyungsoo is never tired of that same routine. This infinity loop that he calls life doesn’t bother him at all.
6:07am; the streets start to get busy; the city is coming back to life. All there is to see are waves of people walking left and right. All there is to hear are the sound of feet on the wet paving stones and splashing traffic. Everyone is heading somewhere except Kyungsoo, standing in the middle of nowhere. He knows where he has to go but he doesn’t want to head there. Suddenly, he is lost in time and simply waits. Waits for who? Waits for what? He doesn’t know. In his head, a whole new world is created; he is alone and he feels it again; this constant weight on his shoulders.
Soon he is taken away from his daydream by the buzzing sound of traffic. Realizing that he is now late for class, he runs, still not knowing where he is truly heading or the purpose of what he is doing.
It’s about 6:25am when he reaches his classroom. He sits down on the cold metal chair and listens to the voice of his instructor echoing in the room. Words are coming out but he doesn’t really seem to understand. He doesn’t bother to understand. And so Kyungsoo simply waits until class finally ends.
Throughout the day, different people stand in front of him to hold the same incomprehensible dialogue. From 6am to 5pm, the only thing he has in mind is tomorrow even though he is sure that by then, nothing would change and everything would remain the same.
6:38pm; by now, classes are done and Kyungsoo is heading off to work. One foot in front of another, he criss-crosses the city. His job is probably one of the worst in town. After all, having to work part time at the nearby convenience store from 7pm to 12pm and being payed half the minimum wage , because we still consider you a “newbie’’, was for sure not the best job in town.
However, somehow, it was the only “exciting’’ part of the day in the young man’s life. He would patiently wait on the counter of the cash register to see what kind of character would come in through the sliding doors. Most of the time, he encountered a few drunk people and the same old lady that liked to buy honey during the closing hours.
After an hour of walking to the store from his classes, his feet stop in front of the glass doors. Through them, a silhouette is waving at him- Baekhyun. Baekhyun is another employee that particularly held the shift right before him. Kyungsoo saw him more as an acquaintance than a ‘’friend’’ as his coworker would say. They exchanged numbers once, but the extent of their relationship would stop to a series of numbers.
During the first weeks, when Kyungsoo just started working at the convenient store, Baekhyun would always try to start conversations with him to discover more about him. As time passed by, Baekhyun gave up on the idea of talking to Kyungsoo, not a word was exchanged when the two men saw each other in the store; just a few polite looks here and there.
As one of his feet is crossing the thin line that separates work from the outside world, his colleague’s small foot crosses it as well, only his is going straight out. There he was, alone inside of the so called living hell.
Emptiness still weighs on his shoulders as he takes several steps inside. Between the “Tiks” and the “Toks”, cereal boxes are placed on the shelves and the cash register slowly fills up.
00:47; the lights that gave life to the convenience store are closed and Kyungsoo finds himself sitting on his bed. Outside, the city lights flicker from time to time. A bed, a man and his mind; they decorate the room like Christmas ornaments. Today again, the mind seems stronger than the man.
It’s at this time of the night, when things get darker than darkness itself, the mind gains strength and loses its colors. Time abandoned the man and all that remains is blank.
Blank; Kyungsoo’s mind is blank, a blank ocean, to be more precise. A blank ocean where nothing but mostly everything can be found. An ocean of poisoned water that fills him of venom, making him vulnerable and weak. Waves of thoughts float in his mind, reminding him of how dull the world around him can be. He is alone in this mind. Drowning; slowly losing himself.
Around him, a heavily breathing town is sleeping. At this instant, a breath of air seems priceless, especially since he is almost out of breath.
☂☂☂
Moistly, moistly you fall down
Water vibrates in a circle when you touch its surface
You’ve traveled by sweet gravity
I can’t avoid you
☂☂☂
5:03am; the Christmas party is over. Kyungsoo turns on his small TV for the first time in months and looks at the weather broadcast. This week promises cloudy skies and endless rain. The young man gets up, looks out the glass window and sees, just as announced, raindrops falling from an ashy sky. Again, he takes a sip out of the same old coffee cup and takes a well deserved breath of fresh air.
He gets a few chills; there remains no distinction between reality and his nightmare. Even though his feet are stuck to the ground, he still feels like he is falling in his deep ocean.
His leather shoes touch the wet asphalt and make their way to college. The day takes the same twist as yesterday; college, work, home- or almost.
Work doesn’t really happen today. As usual, a smiley Baekhyun waves at him from the other side of the glass doors but this time words seem to come out. A sweet honey toned voice makes it’s way to his ear:
“Kyungsoo! Didn’t you receive my text?”
The young man feels embarrassed, it’s been about a month since he last checked his phone and the last thing he wanted to see were the worried texts his mother would have sent him. His cellphone always stayed next to the TV and slept under a layer of dust.
“I’m sorry, I was out of battery…”
Simple answers are the best in Kyungsoo’s opinion. They’re straightforward and they make conversations short and sweet.
“Oh.. I understand. Anyways, today we are closing early because of the heavy rain that’s falling. You know how the owner is, always worried for nothing!”
“What about my shift?”
“No worries, you’ll still get paid. Even so, it’s not like anyone really comes to the store, right?”
Baekhyun giggles in front of a stressed out Kyungsoo. If there is one thing he isn’t used to, it’s change. Each time something interrupts his daily routine, he feels like his small shell is breaking. It isn’t the best of lives but it’s what makes him feel safe.
After the goodbyes, Kyungsoo finds himself looking at the ground. His feet suddenly move; he walks. Nowhere in particular, he walks following the paths and the streets. Hours pass and he finds himself going up the stairs leading to his apartment, his den.
He doesn’t want to go inside his room. Not now, he isn’t ready. He isn’t ready to fight his own mind again, he isn’t ready to fight himself to sleep.
He casually walks right by his door and heads to the rooftop. Heavy steps echo in the hallways. Soon enough, a metal door stands in front of him. As he carefully pushes the rusty and heavy handle to open the door, a single thought is stuck in his mind; freedom. Escaping might not be the right solution but it’s the only solution he finds to make the end seem closer.
Behind the door, a slim figure stands in the middle of the dark sky, unexpected is back from a long awaited trip.
The silhouette is dancing, whirling under the moonlight. It is moving gently, like ribbons in the wind. Raindrops are sliding on it’s silk shirt, following the rhythm it imposed. Pirouettes followed by an arabesque, Kyungsoo is fascinated, mesmerised by what is happening in front of his eyes. For one of the first times in his life, he stops walking next to the clock hands and lets go of time, he silently looks at this man dancing in the vibrating water.
The rooftop becomes a stage and the moonlight becomes a projector; the silhouette moving along with the stars.
A story is told; the story of a man confused by the life he is leading. A story is shown; the story of another man trying to escape the reality he is stuck in. A story is shared at this moment; the story of two lost boys that meet one day under the rain.
Left, right, left, stop. The show is over and a pair of eyes are now stuck on Kyungsoo. A heavy silence separates the mens like a brick wall.
“You’ve been sitting here for a while now, haven’t you?”
“I.. I was just walking by,” he replied with a surprised looking face.
“Walking where?” he says giggling. “I don’t think you’ll be able to go any higher.”
“Ah… Well I was going down anyways…”
“I see. Since you are here, you might as well stay, no? A bit of fresh air never hurts.”
Kyungsoo’s owl eyes look up to the mysterious dancer that seems to look at him with an odd smile. He doesn’t know what he is supposed to say. The words and the sentences are stuck down his throat and are strangling him.
The mysterious man walks to the edge of the building and sits down, he turns around and looks at Kyungsoo with the same smile.
“Are you coming or are you going to keep staring at me like that?”
1:02 am; two men are looking at the world from above, feet dangling in the air, sitting on the ledge of the building.. They are completely soaked but don’t seem to mind. Time has stopped moving too, the clock is broken. Voices sometimes interrupt the silence that seems to rule the world at this time of the night.
They have been sitting next to each other for thirty minutes now, talking about whatever subject came across.
“How about we take turns?” the mysterious man suggests.
“Turns?”
“Turns, you ask me a question and after I’ll ask you one and so on.”
Kyungsoo understands what Jongin means, he is simply unsure about the idea of opening up to a complete stranger. The idea of talking to the unknown scares him.
“… If you want…”
“Alright then, what’s your name?”
“Kyungsoo… Do Kyungsoo. Yours?”
“Jongin… Kim Jongin”, Jongin replied imitating him.
“Do you often dance like that..? You are really good at it.”
“Every now and then yeah… I usually come up here to just let all the pressure of the day out. The rain washes down all of my stress and I feel most at peace while dancing.. What do you do of your days?”
“Me..? Nothing really. It’s always the same. I get up, go to college, go to work and go back to sleep.”
The heavy weight on his shoulders is back. The unbearable pressure that weighs on every single part of his body comes back to join the late night conversation he is having. This feeling fills him up with fear. Could the mind be stronger than him even outside of the tiny apartment?
“I don’t do much either. I spend most of my days indoors thinking about what I’m able to think of. I used to have days like you, actually. Waking up, dance practices, college and going back to sleep.”
“What happened?”
“Let’s just say I realized that my life was taking a path I didn’t want it to take. I stopped in the middle of the road and sat down instead of walking in front of me. I stopped college and all of that stuff, even the dance practices. I guess it’s better this way… Definitely better.”
“What are you planning on doing in the future then…?”
“As crazy as it may seem, I really want to just live. Whatever I was doing, I didn’t enjoy it as much as I’m enjoying life right now. I want to explore, experience new things without any pressure on my shoulders. I don’t think you could really understand… But I clearly want to live that way.”, Jongin said looking at the sky.
“Ah I see.”
The truth is that he knows. He knows what kind of life Jongin longs for. The kind of life where worries didn’t exist and every day was an adventure. The kind of life you would find in a story or in a kids book. The kind of dream you never expect to fulfill but that can still make you hope. It’s been awhile since Kyungsoo lost his dreams. His head was once full of bright colors but one day, an ocean of thoughts washed them away and turned everything blank.
“Are you okay? You seem a bit pale,” Jongin asks with worry on his face.
Silence answers back and Kyungsoo stares at the void that stands below his feet. The mind was definitely able to beat the man out of the tiny room.
“Yes, I’m fine. You were talking about your dream right?”
The late night talk continues until time is tired of waiting. Both of them part on the staircase after an awkward goodbye. Kyungsoo then finds himself in front of his apartment door. Once inside, he goes straight to bed.
The mind wins again today on the battlefield. The same thing happens, a man is drowning in a wave of thoughts and memories. The same decor is building itself around Kyungsoo, except this time a boat is floating in the distance. A small boat made out of wood is sailing on the poisoned water carefully making it’s way towards him.
☂☂☂
Waves come slowly and take me
They calm my rocking heart
Only your caress
Make these waves peaceful Yeah
☂☂☂
6:08am; stories were told yesterday night and somehow this kind of unexpected occurrence seems to please him. Someone knocked on Kyungsoo’s shell and was trying to crawl in. Time restarted it’s march and he simply followed behind.
Inevitably, he wakes up with a cold. Sleeping in soaked clothes was the worst idea he’s ever had. Yet, the young man still gets up and starts his routine. A quick look outside the window, a sip from the old coffee mug, a pile of unused textbooks and he is ready to go.
Today, the streets are filled with strangers and memories. It’s drizzling everywhere he goes, drizzling words, actions and thoughts.
Yesterday’s events are clearer in Kyungsoo’s mind than the raindrops that have been falling from the sky. As he walks, he hops over the images of him and the dancer alone in the night. The image seems to make him pleased, he finally found someone like him; another lost soul to talk to. All day the memories they made and the stories they shared ran through his mind that wasn’t so blank anymore.
The rest of the day goes by like it has always been for the past twenty years of life-or so he has experienced. Time stays close to him, intrigued by the light smile he is now holding on his face.
☂☂☂
The days pass, more and more dates are slowly crossing themselves out on the calendar of life. It has now been around a week that the two young men met. Kyungsoo was slowly recovering from his cold.
All week, the thought of going back on the rooftop teases his mind. He is left puzzled with another of his old friends; incertitude.
10;59 am; he is up counting the pennies and nickels left in his pockets hoping to be able to buy a cup of coffee. Morning classes are cancelled and his favorite coffee shop is open.
“1, 2, 3.” he mumbles under his breath.
He lifts his head and smiles at the cashier that is silently waiting for him to finish counting his money.
“I think it’s enough” he adds to his particularly rare smile.
The lady picks up all of the pennies he neatly placed on the counter and throws them in the cash register ready to prepare his order.
The most interesting and entertaining part in ordering an espresso was to look at the way the barista made the coffee. In their way of doing things, their way of being, Kyungsoo could often tell if the person making his coffee liked the smell of the coffee beans as much as he did.
After a few minutes of observation, he receives his espresso and can conclude that today’s barista was either really tired or not at all passionate about their work. Coffee was one of the only thing Kyungsoo smiled for.
He exits the coffee shop and goes back to his apartment, making sure his beverage doesn’t spill as he goes up the stairs.
Appartement 302. The numbers are correct but he isn’t sure if it really is his apartment door. On it is stuck a piece of paper ripped right off of a spiral notebook. He carefully puts his hot espresso on the ground, takes off the note from the door and reads the words written on the piece of paper;
“I saw you leave from this door this morning. A.302 huh? It’s been quite a while since we met on the rooftop. You’ll come again right?
-Jongin”
He smiles at the ground, almost looking like someone else. Coffee in hand, he enters the small apartment without taking an eye off from the almost illegible handwriting.
It’s the first time since kindergarten that someone is actually willing to see him and it’s the second time of the day he smiles.
Kyungsoo is ready to stop for a moment but time doesn’t seem to have the same opinion about the situation. The clock hands turn and turn and turn and slowly, the seconds turn into minutes and the minutes turn into hours.
11:04 pm; Kyungsoo’s shift is over but the little lights of the convenience store across town are still on. In the small room, a man is sleeping next to a nicely folded piece of paper. He wakes up from a surprisingly soft nightmare. He remains calm even though things did get a bit nasty in his mind. He looks at the time and realize the situation he put himself in.
He completely missed his shift. In panic, he rushes through the door and runs until he can’t feel his legs anymore to find himself in front of an opened convenience store and a sleeping Baekhyun. His co worker patiently waited for him in the store and even brought his boyfriend that was sitting next to him.
He carefully passes through the glass doors with an apologetic look on his face.
“Wake up, he came.” a low toned voice says to the small man that is comfortably settled in dreamland.
12:35 am; the convenience store lights are now turned off like they were supposed to be an hour ago. Somehow he managed to keep up with time and is now back to the spot he usually holds. Just like a week ago, his feet pass right by his apartment door, except this time he is sure of where he is heading.
The handle is as rusty as when he first saw it but the show that Jongin prepared today is completely different. Today’s menu starts with a “chassé”, followed by “développé” and finished by a magnificent “grand jeté”. Rain doesn’t show up this night, even though it’s Jongin’s best spectator.
The show ends and Kyungsoo smiles at the performer.
“So you came today huh?” Jongin says with amusement.
“What if I did..?” he answered flustered by the sudden attention put on him.
Both of them head to the same place as the other day. Time stops again, leaving the boys with an endless amount of time to talk and discover.
“When did you learn how to dance?” Kyungsoo asks.
“I learned when I was a toddler. Ballet classes started at the age of 6 years old, contemporary 7 years old and I guess freestyle came along as I learned. Do you know how to dance?”
“Not at all…”
“Come on, I’m sure you can dance, everyone can dance!”
“No, I really can’t dance, Jongin!”
“Show me, please ?”
At this moment, Kyungsoo doesn’t know what hits him but without even second guessing his choice, he gets up and tries his best to dance in the complete silence that seems so harsh on his skin.
“You weren’t kidding when you said you couldn’t dance…”Jongin says giggling to himself.
He lowers his head and laughs at himself. Why did he even attempt to do something he knew he couldn’t do?
“Alright, I’ll show you. I mean, I already taught a whole class of 5 year olds once!”
Both of them laugh and laugh without stopping. And this is how Kyungsoo finds himself in the middle of the night, dancing under the moonlight. The dancer holds his hands from behind and slowly shows him his ways. As time passes, Kyungsoo starts to feel the heavy silence slide against his skin. He starts to appreciate the empty melody silence carried around. He isn’t quite ready for a “grand jeté”, but he seems to excel in the so called “pas chassé”.
The late night talk ends and the man goes back into the living hell. The mind is getting weaker. Inside, still the same blank ocean but the boat is closer to the man, in it a silhouette, it’s dancing, whirling under the moonlight.
☂☂☂
You flow to me into my time
I feel comfortable as if I were dreaming
We are dancing as if we were always one
☂☂☂
It just took a few late night talks with Jongin here and there for the meeting on the rooftop to slide itself into Kyungsoo’s routine. These days, things seem to have changed.
Everyday is a new version of another; Kyungsoo wakes up, goes to college, completes his late night shift and meets the dancer on top of the world to make his day different from the one he experienced yesterday.
Between all the talks and the reflections, Jongin becomes less and less of a mystery. In fact, with time, Kyungsoo is sure he can describe him without doubting himself even once. Jongin; a talented dancer that doesn’t like the life he is leading. A 5 year old at heart that dreams of the most absurd things to happen. A secret romantic that enjoys rainy days. A boy more than a man, yet a man more than a boy on some aspects. A complete mix and match of things that seem to never fit together in one mind or body created Kim Jongin.
And it’s this match of things that Kyungsoo loves. He loves how carefree the man is always able to be. He loves to dream with him and explore things he hasn’t before. But one of Jongin’s ways particularly pleased Kyungsoo.
“Do you know what stars are made of?” Kyungsoo asks the man after they are done twirling and turning.
“Mhh, I’m not sure. But I like to think stars are created out of opportunities and souls. Each time an opportunity isn’t taken, it vanishes from the fan of possibilities life offers to a certain someone and each time a soul is taken away from this existence, it goes and reaches for these new opportunities of life and renewal.”
Jongin’s philosophical side is really what he loves the most. Dreamlike theories coming out of a pure soul. It makes him smile, it makes him want to dream as well.
“What do you think Soo?”
“I’ll say, just like you.”
“You said the same thing about what you thought about the moon!”
And moments like these, they fall from the sky like raindrops. They fall for weeks and weeks. They fall and Kyungsoo catches all of them.
☂☂☂
2:05am; two men are sat down one next to the other, looking at the sky and trying to count the stars. The world is at peace and time is taking a break from it’s usual walk. The moon is shining upon the world.
Looking at the scene from afar, everything seems the same as it was a month ago. Yet, a totally different conversation is held between the two lost boys.
“Thirty six, thirty seven, thirty eight…” Kyungsoo says softly
“Isn’t this one number thirty nine?” Jongin interrupts him.
“No, it’s number thirty seven… I think?”
A silence settles in and in a matter of a second, two laughs cut right through it. Kyungsoo smiles, Jongin smiles back.
“No, but seriously, we should find a better method to count them,” says Kyungsoo.
“What do you propose then?”
“Let’s give them names!”
“Whatever you want, Soo. I’ll start by naming this one then. I’ll name it…. Mhh… Sleep.”
“Please, Jongin, put a bit more thought into this!”
“Hey, don’t scream at me! You don’t like sleeping? Alright, alright, I’ll name it… Starry?” Jongin looks at Kyungsoo with hesitation.
“You know what? I think we’ll settle for Sleep,” he responded giggling.
“Okay, this time I have the perfect name for it!”
“If you say something like Starry again, I’ll leave.”
“No no, you see that little star that’s right next to the moon and that shines brighter than the others?”
“Don’t try to justify your stupid names and tell me how you named it!”
“I’ll name it Soo, because it shines just as bright as you.”
Kyungsoo’s face turns bright red. He hides it between his hands that are now shaking. Pure romance that could have come out of a teenage movie came out, somehow, from Jongin’s mouth.
“You are so cheesy..” he finally says back.
Yes, two men are sitting on top of the world, hand in hand and lips against each other’s. Romance at its finest.
4:04 am; Kyungsoo is back in his apartment and the mind is back from a short vacation. Thoughts he doesn’t want to have slowly crawl back into the room. The table is set, the mind is ready to keep on eating it’s way through the man.
The ocean is acting up, Kyungsoo is going to drown. The waves get bigger and Kyungsoo is giving up, silently realizing he is done for. But in the distance, hope is shining. Correction; hope is dancing.
A hand pulls Kyungsoo out of the transparent water, a man with a boat.
Loneliness sinks in the blank ocean. In his mind, there is one thought stronger than any other; Jongin.
☂☂☂
Accumulating the days and collecting the nights is now one of Kyungsoo’s favorite things to do. Surprisingly, the mind takes a break from its activities and nightmares fades in the pretty pitiful decor as well. Christmas become way more joyful ever since Jongin came along.
Every night, the unexpected waits for him behind the rusty door. Every night, the two men found a way to explore the galaxy whether it was by the taste of their lips or the eloquence of their words. The soft caresses and the tender love, only a few of the couple things Kyungsoo loved and adored.
The late night talks seemed to delight them. Kyungsoo was slowly finding himself through the “why’s” and the “how’s” and Jongin was bit by bit discovering a way to live that he had not yet explored, both of them were learning with time about something that was until now unknown; love.
One day they danced until they couldn’t feel their feet and on another, they sat down until the unexpected came to take them on an adventure.
One thing is for sure; the dancer’s company makes Kyungsoo feel better. After all, sailing over the water was way better than drowning in it. Loneliness was brushed off by the presence the other man took in his life. Even though the ocean wasn’t ready to disappear any time soon, his days felt lighter.
Day after day, the routine restarts again and again and again. Until the unexpected knocks on Kyungsoo’s shell again, A new adventure, you say? The man was ready to sail across the sea, but how to sail when you have no boat to ride on?
☂☂☂
It hit Kyungsoo like a ton of bricks. The scene looks a bit like this; a rusty handle, a note stuck on a heavy door and a man shocked by the words he just read.
12:25 am; the world stops for Kyungsoo. It stops in front of a messily hand written note.
“Sometimes you have to stop wondering about how you’ll explore the universe and simply do it. I’m sorry, Kyungsoo. Maybe, one day I’ll come back to perform again for you.
-Kim Jongin, the man that wants to explore the inexplorable”
He has nothing to say. The words and the sentences aren’t stuck down his throat but it is no use of shouting if no one is there to listen.
Anxiety soons replaces his anger and his disappointment. He is alone now, with no one by his side. No one is there to tell him how bright he pierced in the dark sky. No one is left to smile at him when the whole town is sleeping. No one is there to simply be there.
The unexpected strikes in a sensitive spot this time. The pressure on his shoulders came back trying to reassure him with it’s heavy weight. Even the mind seemed to pity him.
His hands ripped off the hand written note and folded it neatly. Instead of opening the door that lead to the rooftop, he turned around and headed to the small apartment.
And so the nightmares started to reappear in his daily routine. He probably didn’t properly wash the bad dreams out of his bed sheets since the last time he had a nightmare. Soon enough, the magic that filled his days leaves as well, he is back to the same old way of living. He truly is tired of everything. Hoping and hoping, so tired he starts to stop hoping for the impossible.
No boat can be found sailing on the blank ocean of his mind anymore. It disappeared completely and Kyungsoo finds himself back in thoughts, drowning of exhaustion.
☂☂☂
Things had never slowed down so quickly. Things had simply never changed before Jongin’s arrival.
Indifference usually is the emotion he feels the most. This time, he isn’t sure how he is feeling.
This pain grows all over his body and his mind gets emptier than ever.
5:04 am; a man wakes up from the biggest nightmare he ever had. There is no distinction between reality and the dreams since they are both equally as awful. Jongin in both dreams and real life left. He gets up and rests his head on the edge of the window. He looks at the raindrops falling from the sky.
Drip.. Drop..
The hours seems to stretch and life seems way more lonely. It’s the beginning of the day but he already wants to go back to sleep. His past daily routine has never been so alive. A sip of the new coffee he filled his mug with and he is ready to go. The coffee is bitter on his tongue, heavily out of place in his mouth, still used to taste of Kim Jongin’s soft lips.
In the streets, the world seems even duller than before. Is it the feeling of losing someone that reflects on the city or simply the awful reality he lives in?
The routine goes a bit like this; school,work and living hell. Somehow, the routine seems even more tiring than it did yesterday. The absence of a soul by his side is showing him how lonely he should really be. After all, nothing makes a man feel lonelier than loneliness replacing the clear memory of someone he once had.
College is the same, voices on top of other voices, he loses his mind just thinking about it. Work isn’t any better, the “Tiks” and the “Toks” ring in his ears.
The only place where no sound can he heard is on the abandoned stage. Kyungsoo’s mind thinks straight, but this time, his heart is hurting. The place holds an empty love that soon will be far gone.
Even though there is nothing to believe in at this point, he still believes that one day, he’ll push the door and that in the distance, a silhouette will be dancing.
And so from the highest of tops we can see a man sitting alone in the middle of the night, day after day. Continuously waiting for a boat to appear in between the waves of the blank ocean. Sometimes he dances and talks to the moon.
“The stars are beautiful tonight, I wonder how you would have named them if you were here by my side” or even “The stage is waiting for it’s biggest star to dance, when will you come back?” The late night talks with Jongin become late night talks with the moon.
And while he talks and talks to the moon that doesn’t seem to respond, the days pass and the weeks fly by.
☂☂☂
1:03 am; a man is once again sitting by himself on top of the world. Like any other day, the stage is empty. Silence answers to the questions that are on the tip of his tongue.Even though the stage was abandoned long ago by the dancer, the spectator still came in hopes that one day, he would stand in front of him. Loneliness takes the spot of the person that used to sit next to him.
Feet dangling in the air, he looks down at the city that seems so small from his point of view. He feels alone. He is alone.
1:03 am; another man comes back from a self discovery trip. A.302, did he remember it well? A few knocks, no one answers. Suddenly he knows. His feet follow a path he didn’t take in a while but that seems familiar. A rusty handle, a heavy metal door; behind it, just as expected, a man is sitting above the world.
Suddenly, a voice dares to interrupt the thick silence that rules the world at this time of the night.
“You’re still here after all this time, aren’t you” Jongin says looking at Kyungsoo getting up and coming towards him.
Kyungsoo looks at him with a mix of disappointment and amusement. It says it in his eyes: “How lame can you be, Kim Jongin?”. A look Jongin had never received from Kyungsoo and a look Kyungsoo had never given to Jongin.
“I know, I must look like the saddest excuse for a human being right now,” Jongin continues.
“For once Kim Jongin, I have nothing to add,” Kyungsoo replies dryly.
A short silence settles only to be interrupted by the sound of the dancer’s laugh. Jongin was laughing and Kyungsoo couldn’t help but do the same.
“You don’t even want to hear what the saddest excuse for a human being has to say?”
“Not really, if you want me to be honest, but I’ll still hear you out.’’
“I’m sorry Kyungsoo, I shouldn’t have left like that. I just thought that staying here on this rooftop wouldn’t lead me any further. After talking with you about the stars, the planets, the constellations, the universe and spending days and days dancing and dreaming with you, I just thought there was so much more to see and discover. I thought that the dream that I have always been looking for was somewhere else, somewhere far. I really-”
“And now you’ll tell me that it was a huge mistake and that you are sorry?”
“You don’t understand. I was looking and hoping for a dream, a carefree life and didn’t realize it was right in front of me. Leaving just made me realize that I made a huge mistake believing in a better life than this one.
“With you, every worry brushes away. With you, every thought becomes a story. With you- with you is the dream I was always longing for.”
Romance at its finest, what more to expect from Kim Jongin?
“Are you done sounding like the author of a teenage romance novel?” Kyungsoo adds holding a smile on his face.
“Do you always have to break the mood like that? I was pretty proud of this one for once,” he says laughing.
“Just get to the end already.”
“Would you like to come along and explore the universe with me?” Jongin says, looking Kyungsoo in the eyes.
“With the saddest excuse for a human being? Anytime.”
The atmosphere that was once cold turned as warm as it used to be, just like how it was before the dancer left. Apologies and regrets are left behind and replaced by a kiss. Time doesn’t stop this time and it doesn’t matter because this time Kyungsoo doesn’t need time to slow down.
1:09 am; stories are told under the moonlight; the story of a man that found the life he wanted to lead, the story of a man that somehow found a way to accept his reality; the story of two men that one day met under the rain and now live hand in hand with the unexpected and the unknown.
Kyungsoo isn’t alone anymore. In the distance, the boat that used to sail over the blank ocean appears again. The ocean of thoughts doesn’t disappear but the loneliness sinks until it reaches another land.
The boat seemed to be an illusion, always appearing and disappearing in the emptiness of his head. Jongin seemed to be a mystery, always carrying a bit of the unexpected around with him. But it is all those little things that makes his days and his nights all a bit different one from another. Kyungsoo lets go of time to walk by Jongin’s side.
Yesterday is not like today, today might be like tomorrow but tomorrow can never be like yesterday.