Very nice! I'm liking this story quite a bit so far.
I did some proofreading as a I went (it comes naturally), and I hope you don't mind a few suggestions... *sheepish grin* Forgive my nitpicking, and if I'm out of line, just smack me. ^_^
He and his first mate, Dante Alexander did not recieve a monthly wage like the others, they owned the vessel and thus took profits from operations, although the practice, and age-old tradition amongst smugglers and pirates was to give at least a small portion of profits, and particularly a share of a particularly large take to the crew.
The commas are everywhere here, and not always in places that make sense. How about this? Also, typo with 'receive'.
**He and his first mate, Dante Alexander, did not receive a monthly wage like the others: they owned the vessel and thus took profits from operations, although the practice and age-old tradition amongst smugglers and pirates was to give at least a small portion of profits, especially a share of a particularly large take, to the crew.
Like so many good soldiers, though, Singh found that he had little to return to- the five years he percieved as being gone had been experienced as nine and a half on his homeworld.Can't pin it down exactly, but this sentence was a little awkward. Also
( ... )
They got on the elevator and went up to the third level, where the tavern was.
You use 'went' a lot; consider 'rode' here instead.
"Hmph." Singh replied simply as they went into the tavern, which was a little shabby, much like the rest of the station, although there was a certain feeling of comfort.
Again, 'went'. Try 'walked'. Also, commas.
**"Hmph." Singh replied simply as they went into the tavern; much like the rest of the station, it was a little shabby, although there was a certain feeling of comfort.
It might've been shabby and a little smoky, but it didn't feel like the desperate dives they so often frequented when they were on stations.
'shabby' is redundant. Consider 'run-down'.
They went over to a booth around the back, where an attractive woman, who looked to be in her early forties was sitting, a pint glass of beer in her hand and a strange glint in her green eyes.Awkward structure, misplaced commas
( ... )
Comments 8
I did some proofreading as a I went (it comes naturally), and I hope you don't mind a few suggestions... *sheepish grin* Forgive my nitpicking, and if I'm out of line, just smack me. ^_^
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The commas are everywhere here, and not always in places that make sense. How about this? Also, typo with 'receive'.
**He and his first mate, Dante Alexander, did not receive a monthly wage like the others: they owned the vessel and thus took profits from operations, although the practice and age-old tradition amongst smugglers and pirates was to give at least a small portion of profits, especially a share of a particularly large take, to the crew.
Like so many good soldiers, though, Singh found that he had little to return to- the five years he percieved as being gone had been experienced as nine and a half on his homeworld.Can't pin it down exactly, but this sentence was a little awkward. Also ( ... )
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You use 'went' a lot; consider 'rode' here instead.
"Hmph." Singh replied simply as they went into the tavern, which was a little shabby, much like the rest of the station, although there was a certain feeling of comfort.
Again, 'went'. Try 'walked'. Also, commas.
**"Hmph." Singh replied simply as they went into the tavern; much like the rest of the station, it was a little shabby, although there was a certain feeling of comfort.
It might've been shabby and a little smoky, but it didn't feel like the desperate dives they so often frequented when they were on stations.
'shabby' is redundant. Consider 'run-down'.
They went over to a booth around the back, where an attractive woman, who looked to be in her early forties was sitting, a pint glass of beer in her hand and a strange glint in her green eyes.Awkward structure, misplaced commas ( ... )
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I hope everything is clear enough. I used italics for your text and ** to designate my suggestions, so hopefully it is, but let me know if it isn't.
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