Gendered musings

[kaikias]

Those of you who've known me for a while have probably picked up on the way I'm vaguely uncomfortable with being female and get downright squirmy when gender philosophy or trans issues get trotted out. I've done some thinking, and there seem to be a couple of things at work here

Comments

[phonemonkey]

I need to be bisexual and genderqueer or else I'm derelict in my duties to be strange and special and fight the power.

I dunno, in some circles those are the normal, boring things to be. There's one community I'm in where someone actually started a thread saying "So am I the only person here who isn't a bi-poly-pagan-genderqueer-goth-geek?"

You should be and do and act in the way that feels right, but I do think that your interests and geekeries and passions and personality are what's interesting about you, and your gender identity isn't going to make you more strange or special.

[kaikias]

That's part of it too, that I'm somehow subnormal for not being those things because everyone is them.

[phonemonkey]

But you don't have to be. It's standard in some circles, it's rare in others. But either way it isn't compulsory or forbidden. I mean, really now, you live in New York of all places - it's pretty obvious that there are a whole lot of ways to do gender identity and expression. It isn't necessary to conform, or to non-conform, or to conform to a particular kind of non-conformity.

If you feel you're male, that's fine, be a man.
If you feel you're female, but you don't want to be feminine or anything else that you might associate with "female" in a negative way, that's fine, just don't be or do those things.
If you feel non-gendered or post-gendered or anything like that, again that's fine, just please tell me what pronouns to use.

I really hope this doesn't come across as having a go at you, but you're really interesting and fun, and I think it's a shame that you have feelings of inferiority and defensiveness when you're not inferior and you shouldn't need to get defensive.

[kaikias]

I suppose I could say I've got one foot in one category and one in another (female with an asterisk? half woman, half biscuit? a little bit post-gendered? what do you call that sort of thing?), but I never know when I say these sorts of things if they're true or if I just wish they were. I spent fifteen years thinking that my depression was something I had just made up to garner sympathy. We've all dealt with the sorts of people who'll pretend to have cancer to stop people from arguing with them, and I'm always scared that I'm one of them. I proclaimed myself goth and pagan in my teens to fit in with what I perceived as the cool kids, who's to say I'm not doing the same thing again?

[tansu]

It sounds like you're starting to explore thoughts about identity and self in a fairly profound way. That's good - if your identity seems to be situated somewhere that's a little off, then it's good to have a think. I would guess that gender may be a key part or even the key part, but the big things that really most strike me are the ideas of defensiveness, inferiority and fear. Those are three kind of, I guess "other-oriented" things

[kaikias]

Thanks for all of this, by the way. I kind of feel twelve again, and this is probably a job for my shrink, but I suppose it's good to get these things out where one can have a proper look at them and get outside perspectives.

Anyway, the idea is that if I'm found to be not good enough, I'll be rejected nad punished. Who are these mysterious masculinity police? Everyone. No one. I honestly haven't got the slightest idea beyond a vague sense of "society at large" or "my social network as a whole". Whoever's responsible for this idea that "worthwhile" and "feminine" are mutually exclusive.

[magicninja]

Im not nearly smart enough to comment on this, beyond agreeing with them. I will say that fighting the power is a little over-rated and played out. No one really "fights the power" anymore. "Antiestablishmentarianism is the new Establishmentarianism", and all that rot.

Not much help, am I? Sorry. :(

[dimloep_suum]

A) @ you: get out of my brain, k thx bye. This very Thing tortured me for the longest time, and I only recently made my peace with it. It's a horrible headspace to be in, tho'.

B) What Nanda said. We like you lots and lots, and we want you to like you lots and lots.

[kaikias]

*hugs tiem*

[dimloep_suum]

*biiiiiig hugs*

The conclusion I came to was that, whatever label I wanted to slap on myself, it didn't change Who I Am, and cisgendered or genderqueer or whatever, I'm Petedamn cool either way. And so are you, love.