Pieces of Her, 11/?
Title: Pieces of Her, 11/?
Author: Kagekamay
Rating: R
Length: 2,113
Spoilers: AU after Special Education
Summary: Contrary to popular belief, Rachel Berry wasn't unbreakable. Now she's broken and the only person who can put her back together is Quinn Fabray. WARNING deals with self harm
Rachel felt the foreign sensation of a warm arm draped over her back and someone's light breaths teasing the back of her neck. Squirming out from under the arm, she flipped around to see who it was. Beside her, only inches away, was Quinn, sleeping peacefully, her hair mussed and falling out of its usual perfect ponytail. Oh god. She scrambled away from the girl, feeling pain shoot up from her leg. Glancing down, she saw the bandages wrapped tightly around it, along with her arm.
"Oh shit," she whispered, the afternoon finally catching up to her.
She snapped her attention to Quinn, who had murmured something unintelligible and started to stir.
"mm Rachel?" she mumbled sleepily, feeling around the space where Rachel had been lying minutes before.
The cheerleader shot up when she couldn't find her, almost immediately relaxing when she saw her sitting up at the edge of the bed.
"I was afraid you left," Quinn stammered combing her hand through hair to try to fix her ponytail. The blonde's eyes were clouded with worry and exhaustion, making Rachel feel even guiltier.
No words were coming to Rachel as she continued to stare at Quinn, unconsciously fingering the bandage on her arm. Quinn's eyes followed her movements, and she cringed at the splotches of blood that were visible through the bandage.
"I tried to fix it as best as I could. I don't think I did a good job though," she said, voice carefully guarded, clearly fearful of Rachel's reaction.
"It's fine," she said weakly, carefully pulling her knees up to her chin.
"Hey," Quinn reached toward her, "What's wr - "
Rachel flinched away from her touch, and Quinn retracted her hand, the hurt flashing across her face before she hid it behind a blank expression.
"Nothing," Rachel insisted, her denial sounding hollow even to her.
"Rachel, please don't shut me out," the blonde pleaded, inching closer without actually touching her.
The diva kept her gaze straight ahead, willing herself not to look at Quinn. If she did, she knew she would give in to the blonde again, and she couldn't afford to do that. She had already made it worse by asking her to stay.
"I'm fine, Quinn," she assured, the lie making her stomach twist into knots.
"Two hours ago I found you sitting in a stall with blood dripping down your arms. That's not fine, Rachel," Quinn snapped.
Rachel looked up at the girl, whose eyes were glistening with tears, "It scared the hell out of me," she choked, turning away from Rachel to wipe her eyes.
Guilt welled up in Rachel at the sight. She hadn't meant for Quinn to see her like that.
Shifting herself so she was sitting on her knees, she hesitantly moved closer to Quinn, "I'm sorry I caused you distress. I assure you that was not my intention."
"When I saw you -," Quinn's voice broke and she shook her head, unable to finish.
"I'm sorry," she repeated quietly, unsure of how else to console the cheerleader.
"Don't," Quinn said sharply, raising her head to look Rachel in the eye, "don't apologize. Okay?"
Rachel stared back before slowly nodding. The moment she did, Quinn relaxed, sinking back into the pillows. A silence fell over the two of them as they waited for the other to speak. Finally, Quinn broke the silence.
"Will you answer just one question?" Quinn asked, turning her head slightly to look at Rachel, "what did Santana say to you?"
Rachel stiffened, "How did you know about that?"
"Brittany told me she made you cry when I got back. That's how I knew you were probably in the bathroom."
"Oh," Rachel mumbled, as things started to fall into place. She had been wondering how Quinn had known where to find her. Quinn's hand reached for hers, wordlessly encouraging her to continue, and this time Rachel didn't pull away. There was a reassurance in the feel of Quinn's hand in her own that allowed the wall she had built around herself to partially drop.
"She said you and Sam were fighting," she admitted.
The blonde's eyes narrowed, gripping her hands a little tighter, "what else?"
Rachel paused, afraid to continue. She couldn't bear to see the confirmation in Quinn's eyes that Santana wasn't lying, and it had all just been a cruel game.
"Rachel?" Quinn prodded gently, a hint of worry in her voice.
"I'm sorry. I just..can't right now," she muttered ducking her head.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm scared." Rachel revealed, feeling completely vulnerable as she voiced her feelings for the first time in ages.
Quinn squeezed her hand reassuringly, "Don't be. It's only me."
Rachel sighed, reclining back on her pillows like Quinn, "That's the problem, though."
The diva looked at Quinn, who was obviously perplexed by her cryptic answer.
"What do you mean?"
Rachel bit her lip, mulling over her thoughts before speaking again, "I want to trust you, Quinn. It's just - "
"You can't because I was such a bitch to you?" Quinn guessed, looking expectantly at her.
"Well yes and no." Quinn's eyebrows rose and Rachel tried to clarify, "I want to trust you, but I'm afraid that if I do, and you hurt me..."
She trailed off, unwilling to finish her sentence. The scary truth was she had started to believe the blonde when she said she cared about her, until Santana had dashed her faith to pieces in a matter of seconds.
"Rachel."
She looked up at the sound of her name, her heart jumping at the gentleness in Quinn's voice, "I'm not expecting you to suddenly trust me. I know that's unrealistic."
"Quinn, I - "
Quinn looked at her pointedly, "I'm not done. All I want to know is what Santana said that made you hurt yourself."
Rachel didn't want to tell her. There was still the possibility that Santana was right, and this was just an act for Quinn. But the girl was looking at her with something she wasn't used to seeing directed towards her. Quinn was concerned about her.
Before she could stop herself, Rachel decided to take a leap of faith.
"She said you were using me as an excuse to avoid spending time with Sam."
"What?" Quinn hissed, tearing her hand from Rachel's grip as she jumped off the bed, "Of all the screwed up lies -," Quinn was pacing now, hazel eyes burning with anger.
Abruptly she paused in mid-stride and faced the bed, horror dawning on her face, "And you believe her?"
The accusatory tone made Rachel shrink back into her pillows, "Yes. I did, but now I'm not sure."
"But - "
"Do you think it's easy for me to hear things like that, especially taken into account our past history with one another and just wave it away like it's nothing?" Rachel countered, feeling a twinge of guilt as Quinn's face fell.
"No," she admitted, shoulders sagging in defeat, "It makes sense."
Rachel watched warily as the blonde made her way back to the bed and sat down.
"Are you using me?" the brunette asked quietly, bracing herself for the answer.
"No," the cheerio said firmly, moving her hand as if she wanted to hold Rachel's again, before pulling it back and placing it awkwardly on her own lap, "I wouldn't do that to you, and if I wanted to avoid Sam I could do that on my own."
Rachel bit her lip, still unsure what to think. Quinn was trying her best to look cool, but Rachel sensed that she wanted desperately for her to believe her. The sincerity in those hazel eyes made the diva want to trust her, but she couldn't help holding back.
"I didn't want to believe Santana," Rachel confessed, looking at Quinn to gauge her reaction.
Quinn looked up quickly, as Rachel continued, "Having you with me this week helped a little. It made me feel less alone."
Rachel shifted uncomfortably, hardly believing that she was actually saying this out loud. Quinn was listening with rapt attention, staring intently at her.
"Hearing her say...those things...it made me feel stupid for letting someone get close to me." Rachel felt her eyes stinging, and she suddenly wanted to stop talking; but it was too late. She had opened up the floodgates to what she had been keeping bottled up because she was too afraid to say it out loud.
"All I could see was Finn walking away from me again, and I felt like I should have known better than to think that someone would care about me."
"Rachel, stop." Quinn interrupted, placing a warm palm under Rachel's chin and forcing her to look up, "Finn is an idiot, and I've pretty much told him that."
Rachel frowned, her eyes still shining with unshed tears, "When did you - "
"That's not important," Quinn dismissed, "What is important is that you know there are other people besides Finn Hudson who care about you, and unlike him I'm not going to hurt you."
The singer studied her face, feeling as if she was seeing Quinn for the first time. "You mean it, don't you," she said, starting to believe Quinn in spite of herself.
"I do," Quinn promised, scooting closer to Rachel on the bed.
Rachel's lip trembled as she buried herself into Quinn, her heartbeat quickening as Quinn wrapped her arms protectively around her. For that moment, she felt completely content in the blonde's arms.
When she pulled away, she didn't miss the blush coloring Quinn's cheeks, and she felt a similar rush of heat in her own cheeks.
"Do you want to stay the night?" Rachel asked shyly, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, "my dads won't be back from Orlando until tomorrow."
Quinn nodded, her smile making Rachel's heart jump again. It really needed to stop doing that.
"I'll just text my mom and tell her I'm staying here."
The cheerio started toward the door to grab her phone from the car, but Rachel scrambled off the bed.
"Quinn?" she winced as she put weight on her bandaged leg, the pain catching her off guard.
"Get back on the bed, you need to stay off your leg," Quinn admonished.
The brunette obeyed, and sat back down on the bed. "Thank you for helping me today," she said, gesturing at her bandages, "I'm sorry you had to see me like that."
Quinn sighed, the exhaustion creeping back into her eyes, "I told you not to apologize for that."
The girl bit her lip, "I know, but I can't help it."
"I'm just glad I found you," Quinn replied softly, her eyes darting to the bandages before returning to Rachel's face.
"I should probably change those bandages soon. I don't think the bleeding has completely stopped."
Rachel nodded, still feeling guilty, "I'm not ready to talk about it yet, but I think I want to eventually."
Quinn smiled at her words as she opened the door, turning back to look at Rachel. "I think I can be patient for a little longer."
Author: Kagekamay
Rating: R
Length: 2,113
Spoilers: AU after Special Education
Summary: Contrary to popular belief, Rachel Berry wasn't unbreakable. Now she's broken and the only person who can put her back together is Quinn Fabray. WARNING deals with self harm
Rachel felt the foreign sensation of a warm arm draped over her back and someone's light breaths teasing the back of her neck. Squirming out from under the arm, she flipped around to see who it was. Beside her, only inches away, was Quinn, sleeping peacefully, her hair mussed and falling out of its usual perfect ponytail. Oh god. She scrambled away from the girl, feeling pain shoot up from her leg. Glancing down, she saw the bandages wrapped tightly around it, along with her arm.
"Oh shit," she whispered, the afternoon finally catching up to her.
She snapped her attention to Quinn, who had murmured something unintelligible and started to stir.
"mm Rachel?" she mumbled sleepily, feeling around the space where Rachel had been lying minutes before.
The cheerleader shot up when she couldn't find her, almost immediately relaxing when she saw her sitting up at the edge of the bed.
"I was afraid you left," Quinn stammered combing her hand through hair to try to fix her ponytail. The blonde's eyes were clouded with worry and exhaustion, making Rachel feel even guiltier.
No words were coming to Rachel as she continued to stare at Quinn, unconsciously fingering the bandage on her arm. Quinn's eyes followed her movements, and she cringed at the splotches of blood that were visible through the bandage.
"I tried to fix it as best as I could. I don't think I did a good job though," she said, voice carefully guarded, clearly fearful of Rachel's reaction.
"It's fine," she said weakly, carefully pulling her knees up to her chin.
"Hey," Quinn reached toward her, "What's wr - "
Rachel flinched away from her touch, and Quinn retracted her hand, the hurt flashing across her face before she hid it behind a blank expression.
"Nothing," Rachel insisted, her denial sounding hollow even to her.
"Rachel, please don't shut me out," the blonde pleaded, inching closer without actually touching her.
The diva kept her gaze straight ahead, willing herself not to look at Quinn. If she did, she knew she would give in to the blonde again, and she couldn't afford to do that. She had already made it worse by asking her to stay.
"I'm fine, Quinn," she assured, the lie making her stomach twist into knots.
"Two hours ago I found you sitting in a stall with blood dripping down your arms. That's not fine, Rachel," Quinn snapped.
Rachel looked up at the girl, whose eyes were glistening with tears, "It scared the hell out of me," she choked, turning away from Rachel to wipe her eyes.
Guilt welled up in Rachel at the sight. She hadn't meant for Quinn to see her like that.
Shifting herself so she was sitting on her knees, she hesitantly moved closer to Quinn, "I'm sorry I caused you distress. I assure you that was not my intention."
"When I saw you -," Quinn's voice broke and she shook her head, unable to finish.
"I'm sorry," she repeated quietly, unsure of how else to console the cheerleader.
"Don't," Quinn said sharply, raising her head to look Rachel in the eye, "don't apologize. Okay?"
Rachel stared back before slowly nodding. The moment she did, Quinn relaxed, sinking back into the pillows. A silence fell over the two of them as they waited for the other to speak. Finally, Quinn broke the silence.
"Will you answer just one question?" Quinn asked, turning her head slightly to look at Rachel, "what did Santana say to you?"
Rachel stiffened, "How did you know about that?"
"Brittany told me she made you cry when I got back. That's how I knew you were probably in the bathroom."
"Oh," Rachel mumbled, as things started to fall into place. She had been wondering how Quinn had known where to find her. Quinn's hand reached for hers, wordlessly encouraging her to continue, and this time Rachel didn't pull away. There was a reassurance in the feel of Quinn's hand in her own that allowed the wall she had built around herself to partially drop.
"She said you and Sam were fighting," she admitted.
The blonde's eyes narrowed, gripping her hands a little tighter, "what else?"
Rachel paused, afraid to continue. She couldn't bear to see the confirmation in Quinn's eyes that Santana wasn't lying, and it had all just been a cruel game.
"Rachel?" Quinn prodded gently, a hint of worry in her voice.
"I'm sorry. I just..can't right now," she muttered ducking her head.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm scared." Rachel revealed, feeling completely vulnerable as she voiced her feelings for the first time in ages.
Quinn squeezed her hand reassuringly, "Don't be. It's only me."
Rachel sighed, reclining back on her pillows like Quinn, "That's the problem, though."
The diva looked at Quinn, who was obviously perplexed by her cryptic answer.
"What do you mean?"
Rachel bit her lip, mulling over her thoughts before speaking again, "I want to trust you, Quinn. It's just - "
"You can't because I was such a bitch to you?" Quinn guessed, looking expectantly at her.
"Well yes and no." Quinn's eyebrows rose and Rachel tried to clarify, "I want to trust you, but I'm afraid that if I do, and you hurt me..."
She trailed off, unwilling to finish her sentence. The scary truth was she had started to believe the blonde when she said she cared about her, until Santana had dashed her faith to pieces in a matter of seconds.
"Rachel."
She looked up at the sound of her name, her heart jumping at the gentleness in Quinn's voice, "I'm not expecting you to suddenly trust me. I know that's unrealistic."
"Quinn, I - "
Quinn looked at her pointedly, "I'm not done. All I want to know is what Santana said that made you hurt yourself."
Rachel didn't want to tell her. There was still the possibility that Santana was right, and this was just an act for Quinn. But the girl was looking at her with something she wasn't used to seeing directed towards her. Quinn was concerned about her.
Before she could stop herself, Rachel decided to take a leap of faith.
"She said you were using me as an excuse to avoid spending time with Sam."
"What?" Quinn hissed, tearing her hand from Rachel's grip as she jumped off the bed, "Of all the screwed up lies -," Quinn was pacing now, hazel eyes burning with anger.
Abruptly she paused in mid-stride and faced the bed, horror dawning on her face, "And you believe her?"
The accusatory tone made Rachel shrink back into her pillows, "Yes. I did, but now I'm not sure."
"But - "
"Do you think it's easy for me to hear things like that, especially taken into account our past history with one another and just wave it away like it's nothing?" Rachel countered, feeling a twinge of guilt as Quinn's face fell.
"No," she admitted, shoulders sagging in defeat, "It makes sense."
Rachel watched warily as the blonde made her way back to the bed and sat down.
"Are you using me?" the brunette asked quietly, bracing herself for the answer.
"No," the cheerio said firmly, moving her hand as if she wanted to hold Rachel's again, before pulling it back and placing it awkwardly on her own lap, "I wouldn't do that to you, and if I wanted to avoid Sam I could do that on my own."
Rachel bit her lip, still unsure what to think. Quinn was trying her best to look cool, but Rachel sensed that she wanted desperately for her to believe her. The sincerity in those hazel eyes made the diva want to trust her, but she couldn't help holding back.
"I didn't want to believe Santana," Rachel confessed, looking at Quinn to gauge her reaction.
Quinn looked up quickly, as Rachel continued, "Having you with me this week helped a little. It made me feel less alone."
Rachel shifted uncomfortably, hardly believing that she was actually saying this out loud. Quinn was listening with rapt attention, staring intently at her.
"Hearing her say...those things...it made me feel stupid for letting someone get close to me." Rachel felt her eyes stinging, and she suddenly wanted to stop talking; but it was too late. She had opened up the floodgates to what she had been keeping bottled up because she was too afraid to say it out loud.
"All I could see was Finn walking away from me again, and I felt like I should have known better than to think that someone would care about me."
"Rachel, stop." Quinn interrupted, placing a warm palm under Rachel's chin and forcing her to look up, "Finn is an idiot, and I've pretty much told him that."
Rachel frowned, her eyes still shining with unshed tears, "When did you - "
"That's not important," Quinn dismissed, "What is important is that you know there are other people besides Finn Hudson who care about you, and unlike him I'm not going to hurt you."
The singer studied her face, feeling as if she was seeing Quinn for the first time. "You mean it, don't you," she said, starting to believe Quinn in spite of herself.
"I do," Quinn promised, scooting closer to Rachel on the bed.
Rachel's lip trembled as she buried herself into Quinn, her heartbeat quickening as Quinn wrapped her arms protectively around her. For that moment, she felt completely content in the blonde's arms.
When she pulled away, she didn't miss the blush coloring Quinn's cheeks, and she felt a similar rush of heat in her own cheeks.
"Do you want to stay the night?" Rachel asked shyly, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, "my dads won't be back from Orlando until tomorrow."
Quinn nodded, her smile making Rachel's heart jump again. It really needed to stop doing that.
"I'll just text my mom and tell her I'm staying here."
The cheerio started toward the door to grab her phone from the car, but Rachel scrambled off the bed.
"Quinn?" she winced as she put weight on her bandaged leg, the pain catching her off guard.
"Get back on the bed, you need to stay off your leg," Quinn admonished.
The brunette obeyed, and sat back down on the bed. "Thank you for helping me today," she said, gesturing at her bandages, "I'm sorry you had to see me like that."
Quinn sighed, the exhaustion creeping back into her eyes, "I told you not to apologize for that."
The girl bit her lip, "I know, but I can't help it."
"I'm just glad I found you," Quinn replied softly, her eyes darting to the bandages before returning to Rachel's face.
"I should probably change those bandages soon. I don't think the bleeding has completely stopped."
Rachel nodded, still feeling guilty, "I'm not ready to talk about it yet, but I think I want to eventually."
Quinn smiled at her words as she opened the door, turning back to look at Rachel. "I think I can be patient for a little longer."