Election FEVER
I don't know about you, but I am fucking AMPED for the special election in a couple of weeks. You can just taste the excitement in the air as it condenses in the roof of your mouth and drips down on your tongue. That's excitement humidity, there.
On May 19th, we will finally find out the answer to the age-old question, "can man have a state budget that survives interaction with the voting public?" The stakes couldn't be higher. If it passes, we'll rape programs for blind elderly orphaned widows with multiple sclerosis so that we can pay some of our bills, and maybe the gang of toughs with baseball bats massing on the Oregon border won't come in and break the legs of half the state. If it fails, Arnold Schwarzenegger will personally come to my office and punch everyone in the stomach. You'll pay for the whole seat, but you'll only need THE EDGE!!1!
In the spirit of such exciting times, here's a general guide to the forthcoming election with my recommendations:
Proposition 1A: Not so much a proposition as such, more of a social experiment on how stupid people can be. Creates a spending cap, a "rainy day fund", and gives zombie Paul Gann an erection. You would think, therefore, that the Howard Jarvis folks would be excited, but no. They entwined the recent state tax increase with it, so that if it passes, the taxes last four years instead of two, in an effort to make the public employee unions hate it not quite so much. The extra two years of taxes mean TAX JIHAD, so now everyone in the world despises it. Result: certain failure and a bigger hole in the budget starting in Fiscal 2012-2013.
Recommendation: Stab self in face.
Proposition 1B: Makes Prop 98 payments to the state school system that have been missing in the last couple of years. Probably going to have the most money thrown at it of all of them since CTA went in early on it. Regardless of one's feelings on Prop 98 and autopilot budgeting (my feelings: HAAAATE), this one wouldn't be a bad idea since the school systems are down to replacing teachers with Scary Bridge Hobos in order to save money.
However, it doesn't take effect unless Prop 1A passes, so they might as well have just named it the "Adolf Superhitler Child Molestin' and Flag Burnin' Act" and instructed supporters to do their best Frank Booth impression when they knock on doors. Result: Catastrophic mega-failure.
Recommendation: Hit a kid in the face on your way to the polls.
Proposition 1C: Borrrows $5 billion against future lottery proceeds. This is the biggest of the "oh sweet Jesus we need CASH" propositions. Was looking forward to the "Gambling is Your Only Hope, Now!" ad campaign featuring Gary Coleman that was to run in low-income neighborhoods, but like everything else, this proposition has encountered the current "I hate everything and everyone" attitude of the electorate. Result: Fails at the polls, Gary Coleman commits sepuku.
Recommendation: Randomly stab at ballot and hope that something meaningful happens.
Proposition 1D: Yoinks about $600 million from and guts First Five. My hatred of Rob Reiner is well known, but this has got to be the one I am actually tempted to vote "no" on, besides stupid old arm-twisting 1A. Basically takes programs to fund preschool, Medicaid funding for families above the poverty line and subsidies for things like clothes and food and says "fuck you" to programs that have worth, especially in the dirt poor hinterland counties of the state. Republicans have been salivating to kill this program for years, which probably means that I'll vote "no" out of pure spite. Result: Probably fails, but might pass out of sheer fucking meanness of state voters.
Recommendation: Seriously, you should probably vote no on this one, but then they'll just cut it somewhere else when this thing fails. Shit.
Proposition 1E: Raids $230 million from state mental health programs. Darrell Steinberg essentially created these programs, and had to smile and sign off on this proposition which punches them in the guts. Steinberg strikes me as having some good in him, and it must have killed him to do this. The only reason I'm voting for it is because these guys have a dedicated proposition-enshrined funding stream for the future. Results: Will also go down in flames, more crazed derelicts chasing you down the street.
Recommendation: Wrap tinfoil around your brain.
Proposition 1F: Prohibits pay increases for legislators in times where there's budget deficits. Saves a few million dollars, but in comparison to the budget deficits we have, we essentially spend more on cleaning birdshit off the statue of St. Reagan in the National Mall. Pure stupid teabagging shit, and I hope that it explodes Abel Maldonado's appendix when it fails because everyone is voting against everything in a stupid populist rage. Result: Nothing. NOTHING.
Recommendation: Masturbate into own eye.
Whatever the outcome is, I'm sure it won't be good. But then, these are the rewards we reap for living in a reliably blue state that's so big it can still contain millions of foaming John Birchers to lash out at anything involving keeping state services alive.
Shit, and you thought it would be boring.
On May 19th, we will finally find out the answer to the age-old question, "can man have a state budget that survives interaction with the voting public?" The stakes couldn't be higher. If it passes, we'll rape programs for blind elderly orphaned widows with multiple sclerosis so that we can pay some of our bills, and maybe the gang of toughs with baseball bats massing on the Oregon border won't come in and break the legs of half the state. If it fails, Arnold Schwarzenegger will personally come to my office and punch everyone in the stomach. You'll pay for the whole seat, but you'll only need THE EDGE!!1!
In the spirit of such exciting times, here's a general guide to the forthcoming election with my recommendations:
Proposition 1A: Not so much a proposition as such, more of a social experiment on how stupid people can be. Creates a spending cap, a "rainy day fund", and gives zombie Paul Gann an erection. You would think, therefore, that the Howard Jarvis folks would be excited, but no. They entwined the recent state tax increase with it, so that if it passes, the taxes last four years instead of two, in an effort to make the public employee unions hate it not quite so much. The extra two years of taxes mean TAX JIHAD, so now everyone in the world despises it. Result: certain failure and a bigger hole in the budget starting in Fiscal 2012-2013.
Recommendation: Stab self in face.
Proposition 1B: Makes Prop 98 payments to the state school system that have been missing in the last couple of years. Probably going to have the most money thrown at it of all of them since CTA went in early on it. Regardless of one's feelings on Prop 98 and autopilot budgeting (my feelings: HAAAATE), this one wouldn't be a bad idea since the school systems are down to replacing teachers with Scary Bridge Hobos in order to save money.
However, it doesn't take effect unless Prop 1A passes, so they might as well have just named it the "Adolf Superhitler Child Molestin' and Flag Burnin' Act" and instructed supporters to do their best Frank Booth impression when they knock on doors. Result: Catastrophic mega-failure.
Recommendation: Hit a kid in the face on your way to the polls.
Proposition 1C: Borrrows $5 billion against future lottery proceeds. This is the biggest of the "oh sweet Jesus we need CASH" propositions. Was looking forward to the "Gambling is Your Only Hope, Now!" ad campaign featuring Gary Coleman that was to run in low-income neighborhoods, but like everything else, this proposition has encountered the current "I hate everything and everyone" attitude of the electorate. Result: Fails at the polls, Gary Coleman commits sepuku.
Recommendation: Randomly stab at ballot and hope that something meaningful happens.
Proposition 1D: Yoinks about $600 million from and guts First Five. My hatred of Rob Reiner is well known, but this has got to be the one I am actually tempted to vote "no" on, besides stupid old arm-twisting 1A. Basically takes programs to fund preschool, Medicaid funding for families above the poverty line and subsidies for things like clothes and food and says "fuck you" to programs that have worth, especially in the dirt poor hinterland counties of the state. Republicans have been salivating to kill this program for years, which probably means that I'll vote "no" out of pure spite. Result: Probably fails, but might pass out of sheer fucking meanness of state voters.
Recommendation: Seriously, you should probably vote no on this one, but then they'll just cut it somewhere else when this thing fails. Shit.
Proposition 1E: Raids $230 million from state mental health programs. Darrell Steinberg essentially created these programs, and had to smile and sign off on this proposition which punches them in the guts. Steinberg strikes me as having some good in him, and it must have killed him to do this. The only reason I'm voting for it is because these guys have a dedicated proposition-enshrined funding stream for the future. Results: Will also go down in flames, more crazed derelicts chasing you down the street.
Recommendation: Wrap tinfoil around your brain.
Proposition 1F: Prohibits pay increases for legislators in times where there's budget deficits. Saves a few million dollars, but in comparison to the budget deficits we have, we essentially spend more on cleaning birdshit off the statue of St. Reagan in the National Mall. Pure stupid teabagging shit, and I hope that it explodes Abel Maldonado's appendix when it fails because everyone is voting against everything in a stupid populist rage. Result: Nothing. NOTHING.
Recommendation: Masturbate into own eye.
Whatever the outcome is, I'm sure it won't be good. But then, these are the rewards we reap for living in a reliably blue state that's so big it can still contain millions of foaming John Birchers to lash out at anything involving keeping state services alive.
Shit, and you thought it would be boring.