Fic: You Wouldn't Understand, Remus/James, R
Y’know when people kiss on tv? Is that how people kiss in real life and am I just doing it wrong?
Also, sis received her results today and got her upper second, so yay.
Anyway, I decided to purge my hard-drive of some random stuff, so this is what you get. It appears to be archduck’s birthday (yes, I know I’m crap at birthdays, and yes, maybe I should get e-mail notifications), but I have no R/S with which to wish you a happy birthday, so it’ll have to be some rather silly R/J, soz, hope you don’t mind. *shuffles off grovelling*
EDIT: Gave in and changed the title (thanks, lupinslittlesis). Now crossposted, soz.
You Wouldn't Understand
James decided that there was only one explanation for it: Sirius Black was a complete and utter twat. And, by the looks of it, Remus agreed, as he was no longer wearing that glazed expression of polite boredom that he usually adopted, but had progressed through open-mouthed-horror to utter-disgust-with-excessive-eye-rolling, albeit only when Sirius wasn’t looking.
Self-absorbed as usual, Sirius hadn’t noticed. ‘…So guess what she did next?’ he asked of Remus, eyebrow raised.
‘The Lambada?’ Peter suggested flatly.
Sirius snorted with anger, while everyone else snorted with laughter. ‘What is wrong with you three today? I very nearly got a shag out of Cleo and it’s as if you aren’t interested. I mean, if you aren’t even going to try and get anywhere with yours you could at least be interested in mine.’
‘Mmm, sorry,’ said Remus, voice slightly dead from boredom.
‘Who’s Cleo?’ asked James.
Sirius jerked his head sideways to glare at his best friend quickly, before lighting another cigarette and turning back to address Remus, who was at least putting on a good show of caring about Sirius’ near-loss of virginity. ‘So she slides her hand round to my…’
James tuned him out and began to pull faces, trying to get Remus and Peter laughing. ‘Can I have a fag, Padfoot?’
‘Yeah, seeing as it’s you.’
James slid one of Sirius’ long white cigarettes out of the packet. He supposed it wasn’t all Sirius’ fault; running away from his family had sent him a bit weird for a while, and he’d adopted a lot of Muggle habits; wearing jeans, smoking, drinking beer, trying to get his leg over every girl in school… And it was hardly Sirius’ fault that the rest of them couldn’t get girls.
James lit the cig and started mimicking Sirius; tossing his hair in that arrogant way, gesturing excessively with the glowing tip, and huffing smoke-filled breaths out in time with his friend’s. Peter clapped a hand over his mouth immediately, eyes bulging, whereas Remus’ expression had frozen, save for the odd wild twitch.
‘For god’s sake, James,’ Sirius snapped, when he’d finally noticed and stopped telling his story. ‘I should have known that you wouldn’t understand.’
#
‘Hands up; who’s sick of him?’ James asked, when Sirius was off with another lady-friend later that day. ‘Everyone. What a surprise. Now what are we going to do to him?’
‘It isn’t that bad, is it?’ Peter asked. ‘I mean, at least we get to find out what it’s all like-‘ he stopped talking when he noticed the others glaring.
‘Well you can sod off and grovel after him then: oh Thiriuth, tell me what a woman feels like!’ James squealed, hand on breast, swooning back onto his bed.
Remus laughed.
‘Fine then, I fucking will!’ yelled Peter.
‘Fine!’ James yelled at Peter’s back.
‘Wow, you’re really jealous of Sirius, aren’t you?’ Remus said casually, after Peter had slammed the door. He lay down next to James on the bed, attempting some sort of smirk by the looks of it.
‘Am fucking not.’ James pouted.
‘Are too with knobs on.’
‘Yeah, I cry myself to sleep at night wishing I was a tactless, arrogant arsehole.’
‘Since when weren’t you?’
‘Since he got so much fucking worse than me.’
‘Since you can’t get a shag,’ Remus said with a grin, jostling at James’ shoulder.
James grinned, relaxing all of a sudden. ‘At least I’ve kissed a girl before,’ he pointed out.
‘So’ve I!’ Remus protested.
‘With tongues?’
Remus tried to stare him out, but failed . ‘Oh, you have to spoil everything.’
‘Shut up! What we need to do is find out a way to piss him off. We could do something to his hair so girls don’t like him.’
‘Wouldn’t work; he’d still be pureblood and rich.’
‘Yeah, well; so ‘m I, but it doesn’t work for me.’
‘It’s cos you kiss like a Blood-Sucking Bugbear.’
‘Like you’d know!’
‘Linda Trevelyan told me, and she’s kissed half the boys in school.’
James scowled.
‘Don’t worry,’ Remus sighed, ‘she says I’m almost as bad.’
‘Almost?’ James considered that rather seriously, propping himself up on one elbow.
‘Why, what-‘
James leaned sideways and shoved his tongue into Remus’ mouth before he could change his mind.
When he pulled away, Remus just smirked up at him, even more smugly. ‘No wonder you can’t get a girlfriend.’
James huffed.
‘So what was that, then, hm?’
‘Well, you need the practice,’ James said carelessly.
‘More like you do.’ Remus sat up, actually seeming to be rather angry.
‘So?’ James muttered.
‘Fuck off, James; you can’t just practice on me!’
‘Why not?’
Remus looked at him, worried, careful. ‘Seriously?’
‘Maybe?’
They watched each other a bit longer. ‘Right,’ said Remus, tipping James’ chin with his right hand and leaning in.
Remus’ tongue being in his mouth was quite the strangest thing James had ever felt, including that time Sirius had poured a packet of Madeline Morrison’s Magical Jelly-Making Powder into the bath while he was in it. Remus opened his mouth rather wide when kissing, and it was all rather sloppy, but it wasn’t bad.
‘You taste of liquorice,’ Remus mumbled, one hand cupped under his jaw, ‘and you know how I hate it.’
‘Oh I’m sorry, I’ll remember that next time,’ James shot back, kissing Remus harder to make him all liquorice-y.
‘Hey!’ Remus pushed him back, then rolled on top of him in his annoyance.
‘Hey!’ James grabbed at Remus’ back, trying to wrestle him off, feeling Remus re-angle his head so their mouths met more easily. ‘Umm…’
‘Shut up, Potter,’ Remus hissed.
‘You shut up! Ha!’ he crowed, finally overpowering Remus and clambering atop him. ‘I’m loads better at this than you,’ he pointed out, lips on the corner of Remus’ mouth.
‘Well, you’re okay,’ Remus said, licking him, ‘but I’m better.’
‘No way.’ James pressed down, holding Remus in position so he could show his skills off properly, alternating between gentle and harder, stroking with his tongue and sucking at Remus’ bottom lip.
‘Mmm-‘
‘Shut up, Lupin, argh!’ James dove off him suddenly, in horror.
‘What? Did I bite you?’
James didn’t even have time to worry on the idea of being bitten by a werewolf. ‘No, you- Fuck, Remus, you aren’t supposed to-‘ At this point, James realised that he might have been starting to suffer the same problem himself. ‘Shit.’
Remus was breathing rather heavily and looked completely bewildered. ‘Erm, it’s probably nothing to worry about, just, er…’
‘Yeah, right,’ James agreed, ‘all that wriggling. I’ll just be in the bathroom-‘
‘James-‘
‘…what?’
‘We could just… and not tell anyone.’
James knew that that was definitely a bad idea, but there was something disturbingly appealing about Remus; all flushed and hunched up on James’ bed. ‘Well, if we’re already not telling anyone…’
‘Yeah,’ said Remus, leaning in eagerly.
‘Just a quick hand-job, right?’ James hurried to lift his robes.
‘Yeah. Lock the door!’
‘Right.’ James threw the first locking spell he could think of at the door, other hand still fumbling with his clothing. ‘Ourselves or each other?’
He glanced up to find Remus just staring at him, wide eyed. ‘We should… each other, just to see what it feels like.’
‘Yes, yes. I take it you know how to do this?’ James shuffled closer, feeling rather odd as he slid his hand up Remus’ robes and into his underwear, simultaneously helping Remus’ hand into the right place, and oh god he had Remus’ fingers around him.
‘Well, I doubt I’ve had quite as much practice as you…’ Remus sniggered, hooking one leg behind James’ back and cutting off any answer he could have made by stroking him harder.
It was quite like touching himself, but at the same time not really. Remus’ palm was hot and clammy and was sliding up and down, smoothly along the length of him, fucking amazingly perfect, Remus pressing closer for a kiss. James shut his eyes as they kissed, because with his eyes closed this could be anyone, a girl, yes, except Remus didn’t kiss like a girl, didn’t moan like a girl, and James was touching his-
‘Bloody hell,’ Remus choked out, suddenly.
‘Are you…’ James gasped. ‘Are you quite - close?’ He watched Remus, carefully, hoping to god that he was, or that Remus would at least slow his hand down, because he was far too good at this, and, to his shame, James was going to explode, already, any second.
Remus shuddered and moved his hand even faster, which wasn’t helping James at all. ‘Yes- very, very -oh-‘
‘Fuck,’ was all James could say as Remus started to moan and gasp. He found himself unable to stop watching his friend’s face and looking right into his eyes, even while he could feel Remus coming over his hand. ‘Oh fuck, Moony.’
Still panting and trembling, Remus caught James under the chin and kissed him again. ‘Wow,’ he mumbled.
‘Mmh-‘ With Remus’ hand jerking perfectly over him, James couldn’t help but come, a hand still holding his chin up so he was forced to stare straight at Remus while shuddering through his orgasm, aching with it. ‘Ahhh…’
Remus seemed to be laughing when James had finally calmed down a bit, and James couldn’t help but join him. ‘God, that was good,’ Remus gasped between snickers, sliding his hand along James’ thigh and out of his robes.
‘Fucking fantastic is what it was.’
‘Yeah. Now I understand why Sirius is such a twat about girls.’
James laughed and wiped his hand down Remus’ front.
‘Oy!’ Remus yelped and shoved him down onto the mattress, and they traded sloppy kisses while they wrestled.
#
‘It’s such a pity really,’ Sirius told them, arms folded and his usual air of superiority firmly in place, ‘but girls just give the worst hand-jobs ever. They haven’t a clue what they’re doing with-‘
Sirius broke off when Remus, who usually managed to stay calm and stony-faced during these lectures, actually giggled.
‘I’m sorry, Lupin, what is it you find so funny?’ Sirius enquired, flicking cigarette ash at him.
James glared, and Remus looked vaguely panicked for a moment before quickly saying, ‘I was just thinking of a joke I heard earlier.’
‘Really?’ Sirius asked scathingly, ‘and what was it?’
‘Oh! Er…’ Remus fidgeted. ‘How many Electricians does it take to change a light-bulb?’
‘What’s a light-bulb?’ asked Peter.
‘Yeah, and what’s an electrician?’ added Sirius.
‘Oh, you wouldn’t understand,’ Remus told him, before falling back on the grass in a fit of laughter, and James joined him, helplessly, while their two friends just watched them in confusion.
##########
Sorry, I was going to post some Harry/Luna, but I haven’t got Luna quite right yet, damn her. I wrote her once before and she was fine, ach!
Also, sis received her results today and got her upper second, so yay.
Anyway, I decided to purge my hard-drive of some random stuff, so this is what you get. It appears to be archduck’s birthday (yes, I know I’m crap at birthdays, and yes, maybe I should get e-mail notifications), but I have no R/S with which to wish you a happy birthday, so it’ll have to be some rather silly R/J, soz, hope you don’t mind. *shuffles off grovelling*
EDIT: Gave in and changed the title (thanks, lupinslittlesis). Now crossposted, soz.
You Wouldn't Understand
James decided that there was only one explanation for it: Sirius Black was a complete and utter twat. And, by the looks of it, Remus agreed, as he was no longer wearing that glazed expression of polite boredom that he usually adopted, but had progressed through open-mouthed-horror to utter-disgust-with-excessive-eye-rolling, albeit only when Sirius wasn’t looking.
Self-absorbed as usual, Sirius hadn’t noticed. ‘…So guess what she did next?’ he asked of Remus, eyebrow raised.
‘The Lambada?’ Peter suggested flatly.
Sirius snorted with anger, while everyone else snorted with laughter. ‘What is wrong with you three today? I very nearly got a shag out of Cleo and it’s as if you aren’t interested. I mean, if you aren’t even going to try and get anywhere with yours you could at least be interested in mine.’
‘Mmm, sorry,’ said Remus, voice slightly dead from boredom.
‘Who’s Cleo?’ asked James.
Sirius jerked his head sideways to glare at his best friend quickly, before lighting another cigarette and turning back to address Remus, who was at least putting on a good show of caring about Sirius’ near-loss of virginity. ‘So she slides her hand round to my…’
James tuned him out and began to pull faces, trying to get Remus and Peter laughing. ‘Can I have a fag, Padfoot?’
‘Yeah, seeing as it’s you.’
James slid one of Sirius’ long white cigarettes out of the packet. He supposed it wasn’t all Sirius’ fault; running away from his family had sent him a bit weird for a while, and he’d adopted a lot of Muggle habits; wearing jeans, smoking, drinking beer, trying to get his leg over every girl in school… And it was hardly Sirius’ fault that the rest of them couldn’t get girls.
James lit the cig and started mimicking Sirius; tossing his hair in that arrogant way, gesturing excessively with the glowing tip, and huffing smoke-filled breaths out in time with his friend’s. Peter clapped a hand over his mouth immediately, eyes bulging, whereas Remus’ expression had frozen, save for the odd wild twitch.
‘For god’s sake, James,’ Sirius snapped, when he’d finally noticed and stopped telling his story. ‘I should have known that you wouldn’t understand.’
#
‘Hands up; who’s sick of him?’ James asked, when Sirius was off with another lady-friend later that day. ‘Everyone. What a surprise. Now what are we going to do to him?’
‘It isn’t that bad, is it?’ Peter asked. ‘I mean, at least we get to find out what it’s all like-‘ he stopped talking when he noticed the others glaring.
‘Well you can sod off and grovel after him then: oh Thiriuth, tell me what a woman feels like!’ James squealed, hand on breast, swooning back onto his bed.
Remus laughed.
‘Fine then, I fucking will!’ yelled Peter.
‘Fine!’ James yelled at Peter’s back.
‘Wow, you’re really jealous of Sirius, aren’t you?’ Remus said casually, after Peter had slammed the door. He lay down next to James on the bed, attempting some sort of smirk by the looks of it.
‘Am fucking not.’ James pouted.
‘Are too with knobs on.’
‘Yeah, I cry myself to sleep at night wishing I was a tactless, arrogant arsehole.’
‘Since when weren’t you?’
‘Since he got so much fucking worse than me.’
‘Since you can’t get a shag,’ Remus said with a grin, jostling at James’ shoulder.
James grinned, relaxing all of a sudden. ‘At least I’ve kissed a girl before,’ he pointed out.
‘So’ve I!’ Remus protested.
‘With tongues?’
Remus tried to stare him out, but failed . ‘Oh, you have to spoil everything.’
‘Shut up! What we need to do is find out a way to piss him off. We could do something to his hair so girls don’t like him.’
‘Wouldn’t work; he’d still be pureblood and rich.’
‘Yeah, well; so ‘m I, but it doesn’t work for me.’
‘It’s cos you kiss like a Blood-Sucking Bugbear.’
‘Like you’d know!’
‘Linda Trevelyan told me, and she’s kissed half the boys in school.’
James scowled.
‘Don’t worry,’ Remus sighed, ‘she says I’m almost as bad.’
‘Almost?’ James considered that rather seriously, propping himself up on one elbow.
‘Why, what-‘
James leaned sideways and shoved his tongue into Remus’ mouth before he could change his mind.
When he pulled away, Remus just smirked up at him, even more smugly. ‘No wonder you can’t get a girlfriend.’
James huffed.
‘So what was that, then, hm?’
‘Well, you need the practice,’ James said carelessly.
‘More like you do.’ Remus sat up, actually seeming to be rather angry.
‘So?’ James muttered.
‘Fuck off, James; you can’t just practice on me!’
‘Why not?’
Remus looked at him, worried, careful. ‘Seriously?’
‘Maybe?’
They watched each other a bit longer. ‘Right,’ said Remus, tipping James’ chin with his right hand and leaning in.
Remus’ tongue being in his mouth was quite the strangest thing James had ever felt, including that time Sirius had poured a packet of Madeline Morrison’s Magical Jelly-Making Powder into the bath while he was in it. Remus opened his mouth rather wide when kissing, and it was all rather sloppy, but it wasn’t bad.
‘You taste of liquorice,’ Remus mumbled, one hand cupped under his jaw, ‘and you know how I hate it.’
‘Oh I’m sorry, I’ll remember that next time,’ James shot back, kissing Remus harder to make him all liquorice-y.
‘Hey!’ Remus pushed him back, then rolled on top of him in his annoyance.
‘Hey!’ James grabbed at Remus’ back, trying to wrestle him off, feeling Remus re-angle his head so their mouths met more easily. ‘Umm…’
‘Shut up, Potter,’ Remus hissed.
‘You shut up! Ha!’ he crowed, finally overpowering Remus and clambering atop him. ‘I’m loads better at this than you,’ he pointed out, lips on the corner of Remus’ mouth.
‘Well, you’re okay,’ Remus said, licking him, ‘but I’m better.’
‘No way.’ James pressed down, holding Remus in position so he could show his skills off properly, alternating between gentle and harder, stroking with his tongue and sucking at Remus’ bottom lip.
‘Mmm-‘
‘Shut up, Lupin, argh!’ James dove off him suddenly, in horror.
‘What? Did I bite you?’
James didn’t even have time to worry on the idea of being bitten by a werewolf. ‘No, you- Fuck, Remus, you aren’t supposed to-‘ At this point, James realised that he might have been starting to suffer the same problem himself. ‘Shit.’
Remus was breathing rather heavily and looked completely bewildered. ‘Erm, it’s probably nothing to worry about, just, er…’
‘Yeah, right,’ James agreed, ‘all that wriggling. I’ll just be in the bathroom-‘
‘James-‘
‘…what?’
‘We could just… and not tell anyone.’
James knew that that was definitely a bad idea, but there was something disturbingly appealing about Remus; all flushed and hunched up on James’ bed. ‘Well, if we’re already not telling anyone…’
‘Yeah,’ said Remus, leaning in eagerly.
‘Just a quick hand-job, right?’ James hurried to lift his robes.
‘Yeah. Lock the door!’
‘Right.’ James threw the first locking spell he could think of at the door, other hand still fumbling with his clothing. ‘Ourselves or each other?’
He glanced up to find Remus just staring at him, wide eyed. ‘We should… each other, just to see what it feels like.’
‘Yes, yes. I take it you know how to do this?’ James shuffled closer, feeling rather odd as he slid his hand up Remus’ robes and into his underwear, simultaneously helping Remus’ hand into the right place, and oh god he had Remus’ fingers around him.
‘Well, I doubt I’ve had quite as much practice as you…’ Remus sniggered, hooking one leg behind James’ back and cutting off any answer he could have made by stroking him harder.
It was quite like touching himself, but at the same time not really. Remus’ palm was hot and clammy and was sliding up and down, smoothly along the length of him, fucking amazingly perfect, Remus pressing closer for a kiss. James shut his eyes as they kissed, because with his eyes closed this could be anyone, a girl, yes, except Remus didn’t kiss like a girl, didn’t moan like a girl, and James was touching his-
‘Bloody hell,’ Remus choked out, suddenly.
‘Are you…’ James gasped. ‘Are you quite - close?’ He watched Remus, carefully, hoping to god that he was, or that Remus would at least slow his hand down, because he was far too good at this, and, to his shame, James was going to explode, already, any second.
Remus shuddered and moved his hand even faster, which wasn’t helping James at all. ‘Yes- very, very -oh-‘
‘Fuck,’ was all James could say as Remus started to moan and gasp. He found himself unable to stop watching his friend’s face and looking right into his eyes, even while he could feel Remus coming over his hand. ‘Oh fuck, Moony.’
Still panting and trembling, Remus caught James under the chin and kissed him again. ‘Wow,’ he mumbled.
‘Mmh-‘ With Remus’ hand jerking perfectly over him, James couldn’t help but come, a hand still holding his chin up so he was forced to stare straight at Remus while shuddering through his orgasm, aching with it. ‘Ahhh…’
Remus seemed to be laughing when James had finally calmed down a bit, and James couldn’t help but join him. ‘God, that was good,’ Remus gasped between snickers, sliding his hand along James’ thigh and out of his robes.
‘Fucking fantastic is what it was.’
‘Yeah. Now I understand why Sirius is such a twat about girls.’
James laughed and wiped his hand down Remus’ front.
‘Oy!’ Remus yelped and shoved him down onto the mattress, and they traded sloppy kisses while they wrestled.
#
‘It’s such a pity really,’ Sirius told them, arms folded and his usual air of superiority firmly in place, ‘but girls just give the worst hand-jobs ever. They haven’t a clue what they’re doing with-‘
Sirius broke off when Remus, who usually managed to stay calm and stony-faced during these lectures, actually giggled.
‘I’m sorry, Lupin, what is it you find so funny?’ Sirius enquired, flicking cigarette ash at him.
James glared, and Remus looked vaguely panicked for a moment before quickly saying, ‘I was just thinking of a joke I heard earlier.’
‘Really?’ Sirius asked scathingly, ‘and what was it?’
‘Oh! Er…’ Remus fidgeted. ‘How many Electricians does it take to change a light-bulb?’
‘What’s a light-bulb?’ asked Peter.
‘Yeah, and what’s an electrician?’ added Sirius.
‘Oh, you wouldn’t understand,’ Remus told him, before falling back on the grass in a fit of laughter, and James joined him, helplessly, while their two friends just watched them in confusion.
##########
Sorry, I was going to post some Harry/Luna, but I haven’t got Luna quite right yet, damn her. I wrote her once before and she was fine, ach!