Revised Logline Critique Round - #19 (Lost Email)

[justjess]

A last minute entry from a lost email sent within the timeframe... the Internet must have eaten it. Bad, hungry Internet.Title: Swimming With Tchaikovsky

Comments

[anonymous]

Not sure I understand the last line. What are the dire consequences for the MC? Maybe make that clearer?

[anonymous]

oh, forgot something...maybe a slight indication what the swimming is about?

[matril]

Big improvement on the original. A few things could be tweaked. "Sally watches" just feels too passive. Maybe something like "After her host father is kidnapped, Sally starts seeing visions with clues when she plays Russian music." Move around the phrases a bit; see what works for you. Then there's the host family and hugs bit - it's important, definitely, to establish why Sally wants to find her host father so much, but this phrase just seems kind of clunky in the middle of that sentence. You might want to set up her close relationship with the family at the start, and then get to the kidnapping. Good luck!

[ext_821881]

All the pieces are here, it just needs some buffing and polishing.

I agree with matril about "watches" and hugs phrase. Maybe, "but she has come to care for her host family...

Cut "various" - stronger without

[ext_823198]

Think the advice above is great, and using that will definitely make this stronger. Great premise.