My comments here are mostly structural, rather than content-based.
Even though the Oxford comma has fallen from grace, I think you need it in your first line (after 'disability'). Without it, it seems like Darcia wants the ability to control her hot new neighbor. I also don't think you need a comma between 'hot' and 'new' when talking about the neighbor.
I would recommend not using both a colon and a semi-colon in one sentence. You may not even need the 'and she's willing to keep secrets' at the end of the line, since for me it seems to serve mostly to set up the line about the neighbor.
This logline also doesn't give me a strong enough sense of menace or antagonism -- the neighbor might be an antagonist as well as a love interest, but Darcia doesn't know, and the logline gives us no sense of other threats. I'd see if there was a way to either convey the neighbor's antagonism more clearly if he is that antagonist, or indicate other threats so I know the scope of the story.
This is good, but I feel like we've only gotten as far as the inciting incident. What is her goal? Embracing is a little vague. What are the consequences if she fails? The deciphering friend from foe seems more like part of the problem.
Little stuff: strike "only" I can't believe she doesn't want a few more things...maybe chocolate
Clean up to something like: "and she will keep her secrets to..."
I liked the first sentence overall, but the second was still a little vague. I couldn't quite figure out what the secretive neighbor had to do with deciphering friend from foe. Is he the main antagonist? If he's an antagonist/love interest, that could be really cool, but I couldn't tell that from the logline.
This is a little vague for me. What are his secrets? I feel like the "hot boy with secrets" plot is a little worn-out in the Paranormal Romance genre, so here I think you really need to be specific and show us what makes your hot paranormal guy unique.
Also, is deciphering friend from foe her main goal? That sounds more like a complication to me--not a conflict that could drive an entire plot. What are the stakes here?
I agree with ninja_turbo about the Oxord comma, and also about maybe taking out the line about her being "willing to keep secrets to get them". I don't think that line really adds anything.
This is a tighter logline than the original, but I miss the serial killer aspect. I think it gave your premise the hook to make it stand out as unique. If you look at where you've spent your words, there's a good portion going to pretty ordinary things. The sentences flow well, but you need your words to be working harder for you.
I would work to describe the plot focusing on: Darcia Daniels, the hot new neighbor, and psychic ability that gives her clues about the serial killer on the loose. (And I'd skip the fact that she doesn't like her pyschic ability because that's to be expected and doesn't sound that exciting.)
Comments 9
Even though the Oxford comma has fallen from grace, I think you need it in your first line (after 'disability'). Without it, it seems like Darcia wants the ability to control her hot new neighbor. I also don't think you need a comma between 'hot' and 'new' when talking about the neighbor.
I would recommend not using both a colon and a semi-colon in one sentence. You may not even need the 'and she's willing to keep secrets' at the end of the line, since for me it seems to serve mostly to set up the line about the neighbor.
This logline also doesn't give me a strong enough sense of menace or antagonism -- the neighbor might be an antagonist as well as a love interest, but Darcia doesn't know, and the logline gives us no sense of other threats. I'd see if there was a way to either convey the neighbor's antagonism more clearly if he is that antagonist, or indicate other threats so I know the scope of the story.
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Little stuff: strike "only" I can't believe she doesn't want a few more things...maybe chocolate
Clean up to something like: "and she will keep her secrets to..."
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Also, is deciphering friend from foe her main goal? That sounds more like a complication to me--not a conflict that could drive an entire plot. What are the stakes here?
I agree with ninja_turbo about the Oxord comma, and also about maybe taking out the line about her being "willing to keep secrets to get them". I don't think that line really adds anything.
Good luck!
Reply
I would work to describe the plot focusing on: Darcia Daniels, the hot new neighbor, and psychic ability that gives her clues about the serial killer on the loose. (And I'd skip the fact that she doesn't like her pyschic ability because that's to be expected and doesn't sound that exciting.)
Good luck!
Ann
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