Comments | justjess: Revised Logline Critique Round

justjess

Revised Logline Critique Round - #10

Oct 07, 2011 16:11

TITLE: The Forces of Heaven and Hell Alike ( Read more... )

Comments 7

ext_823187 October 7 2011, 20:56:09 UTC

I think the logline conveys the necessary information sufficiently but I would snip "the" at the beginning and start with "Demon Liam..." and instead of saying "the demon may lose" I suggest you use his name, Liam, because calling him "the demon" doesn't really make him sound important.

ext_821881 October 7 2011, 22:36:18 UTC

I think you're about there. I second what AE Martin said.

The one thing I'm not clear on is the goal. What does Liam need to do? I'm also wondering if there are further consequences. Does Liam switch sides?

ext_823314 October 7 2011, 23:48:02 UTC

I really liked this. If this was a blurb on a book jacket, it would make me pick it up and read.

anonymous October 8 2011, 21:48:03 UTC

I like it!

justjess October 9 2011, 18:18:35 UTC

I like it, but I agree with Heather--I'm not positive what Liam needs to do. He's pitted against his lover, and that's pretty serious, but he doesn't yet come across as an active protagonist. What are his choices? I think the "good and evil aren't easily defined" part could be snipped to make room for more details if needed.

This is very, very close. Great work, and good luck!