Comments | justjess: Revised Logline Critique Round

justjess

Revised Logline Critique Round - #8

Oct 07, 2011 16:10

TITLE: Rhamiel's Fall ( Read more... )

Comments 7

ext_821881 October 7 2011, 22:31:01 UTC

Oh this works much better now. I'm already getting a feel for this world.

My one issue is that it needs to be crystal clear that the boss, etc. are willfully withholding the information. Maybe they don't tell even when Ronnie shakes them down?

ext_823314 October 7 2011, 23:39:36 UTC

Love this!

matril October 7 2011, 23:42:03 UTC

This is a definite improvement over the original (and I liked the original!). Fun juxtaposition putting the boss, gods and diner guy next to each other. I think I'd like to see more sinister implications about the fact that no one's filling her in - more external conflict to go with the internal madness. Otherwise, great job.

ext_823198 October 8 2011, 13:30:22 UTC

I love this! Think you can get a great feel for the character!

kimberlyfdr October 9 2011, 01:02:26 UTC

I love this universe that you're creating. I'm curious why others seem to know more than she does, though. The consequences of failure are very clear. Nice job!