I think you can streamline this quite a bit. There's some info that's cool, but probably doesn't need to be here.
Here's a shorter version with extraneous details stripped out: When Alain sacrifices himself to save his family, he is trapped in the Other World where he learns the secrets that govern (is there a better word? control?) magic. If he shuns the power, he might lose the one he loves, but if he uses it, he might never be able to return home.
I guessed quite a bit for that - but you get the idea. I tried to ramp up the goal here too - a decision doesn't do justice to what I think is an exciting story.
The logline had some awkward phrases for me ("death or worse" "it is then that"). I liked Heather's suggestions for streamlining, but the phrase "hideous creature" stuck out at me. After your last line, it made me think it might be important to the story. If the MC is falling for a hideous creature, I think it makes it stand out from other fantasy/romances out there.
I agree with Jessica that you should hang on to the "hideous creature" part, but Heather's streamlining suggestions were good too.
So I guess my question is, are the "hideous creature" and the one he's falling in love with one and the same? Maybe that needs to be made a little more clear, so readers realize why you're mentioning it and, if they are the same, so that it shows the uniqueness Jessica mentioned.
The other question I have is, is the decision about which world he has to stay in the main conflict of the story? And if it is, what are the consequences of them being together? And why can't his lover just come to the mundane world? Just some questions to think through, maybe; I feel like this could be such an epic story, but it's "epicness" isn't coming across quite yet.
The logline is still a bit too long. There are a number of details that could be cut. Heather has streamlined it very well. Try to stick with only the relevant points in your pitch. All the extra details are for your query.
I primarily agree with Stefanie here--Heather's streamlining suggestions are great, but it's probably wise to hold on to "hideous creature" and make it 100% clear that she's who he is falling in love with (if that's the case).
Tighten it up just a little and it'll be ready. Just stick with the absolute basics, and draw us in. The hideous creature love bit makes it stand out, as others have mentioned, and I think focusing on that will help draw attention to this logline. Good luck--this sounds like an awesome read!
Comments 6
I think you can streamline this quite a bit. There's some info that's cool, but probably doesn't need to be here.
Here's a shorter version with extraneous details stripped out: When Alain sacrifices himself to save his family, he is trapped in the Other World where he learns the secrets that govern (is there a better word? control?) magic. If he shuns the power, he might lose the one he loves, but if he uses it, he might never be able to return home.
I guessed quite a bit for that - but you get the idea. I tried to ramp up the goal here too - a decision doesn't do justice to what I think is an exciting story.
Reply
The logline had some awkward phrases for me ("death or worse" "it is then that"). I liked Heather's suggestions for streamlining, but the phrase "hideous creature" stuck out at me. After your last line, it made me think it might be important to the story. If the MC is falling for a hideous creature, I think it makes it stand out from other fantasy/romances out there.
Reply
I agree with Jessica that you should hang on to the "hideous creature" part, but Heather's streamlining suggestions were good too.
So I guess my question is, are the "hideous creature" and the one he's falling in love with one and the same? Maybe that needs to be made a little more clear, so readers realize why you're mentioning it and, if they are the same, so that it shows the uniqueness Jessica mentioned.
The other question I have is, is the decision about which world he has to stay in the main conflict of the story? And if it is, what are the consequences of them being together? And why can't his lover just come to the mundane world? Just some questions to think through, maybe; I feel like this could be such an epic story, but it's "epicness" isn't coming across quite yet.
Best of luck!
Reply
Reply
Tighten it up just a little and it'll be ready. Just stick with the absolute basics, and draw us in. The hideous creature love bit makes it stand out, as others have mentioned, and I think focusing on that will help draw attention to this logline. Good luck--this sounds like an awesome read!
Reply
Leave a comment