Revised Logline Critique Round - #4

[justjess]

TITLE: ELECTRIFIED
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy

While searching for her missing brother, seventeen-year-old Mira has an accident that endows her with electrifying powers. She'll need them to save herself and her brother from the denizens of New York's magical underbelly who plan to sell their life force to the highest bidder.

Read the original logline

Comments

[ext_821881]

Almost there! This novel sounds fun and adventurous.

I'm not thrilled with "endows" as a word choice. It's an odd companion to "accident" - a positive and a negative. It implies something is all good, a gift. I'm supposing there's a downside to being electrified.

"electrifying powers" doesn't necessarily mean "powers that are electric in nature" - you need better clarity.

Do those denizens place any value on their life force? Seems odd they'd just "plan" it. Why would they want to do that? I'm reminded of "The Dark Crystal" and the drained muppets. Oh wait! The denizens plan to sell Mira & her brother! Antecedents...

[ext_484988]

I'm not sure if the electrifying powers are literally electric, but if they are, you can pick a stronger phrase like "infuses her with the power of lighting" A quick description of what the power is.

The last sentence needs to be re-worded a bit. It reads that the denizens plan to sell themselves.

[ext_823314]

This sounds great!

I'd like to second Heather's thought that "endows" doesn't quite work--I was thinking infused might be better. I also liked Eliza's thought of giving us a better description of the power.

[matril]

This is a nice improvement on the previous version. I do agree that you could clarify that "electrifying" isn't just metaphorical. I also had to re-read the part about selling their life force to figure out who it was referring to. If you can tidy up those bits, I think you've got a great logline here. :)

[ext_319388]

This first line almost isn't acting like an inciting incident. It's more like the setup that comes before the inciting incident. I'm not exactly sure. If her goal is to save her brother, the powers aren't really changing or creating that goal. Also, I can't see what her brother and the selling of life force have to do with each other. If this is her conflict, you need to show how it will stop her from reaching her goal.

Holly