How To Relate: Chapter 26
Chapter 26
Mistakes Are For Making,
When Ziva arrived back at the hospital, she did not immediately head inside. Instead, she sat in her car in the darkened parking lot for several minutes, thinking about Tony, of what she could say to him, how she could convince him of the grievous mistake he was making. The man was certainly stubborn, and it was next to impossible to get him to do something he had determined against.
But, of course, Ziva could be just as stubborn. And, say what you will about her judgment on any other occasion; this time, she knew she was right.
As she made her way up to the ICU and then to Tony's semi-darkened room, she stopped in the doorway, taken aback. With her recent discovery, she had nearly forgotten about Tony's rising fever and probable infection. Now, upon seeing him, he appeared to have worsened in just the short time-less than an hour-she'd been gone.
Tony lay against the pillows, looking fragile and impossibly pale apart from two bright spots of color on his cheeks. A fine sheen of perspiration covered his forehead as he muttered and twisted about in his agitated state of unconsciousness.
"How is he?" she asked in a low voice as she stepped inside.
At Ziva's inquiry, Gibbs turned from where he was standing next to Tony's bed. He didn't seem at all surprised to see her there, but then, it took a lot to surprise Gibbs.
"His temperature's still up. Can't tell if the new meds are working yet."
She nodded. "Gibbs," she began, then let out a breath forcefully, uncertain of how to continue.
He looked her in the eyes, seeming to read her thoughts. "You talked to Ali."
It was a statement, rather than a question, but she answered anyway.
"Yes. I thought she… well, I thought..." Ziva trailed off with a sigh. "I was wrong about her, Gibbs," she admitted.
Gibbs said nothing, simply allowing Ziva to speak her mind as she made her way further into the room.
"I was wrong," she said again, coming to stand next to him. She looked down at Tony lying in the bed, oblivious to his surroundings. "Ali is a good person. And I think she and Tony are good for each other, maybe even need each other."
"You think so?" Gibbs' voice was quietly neutral, carefully sounding neither interested nor indifferent.
Ziva nodded slowly. "Yes. I do."
Gibbs gave a noncommittal grunt. "Hmm."
"Did you know that Tony has cut her out of his life?" Glancing up at Gibbs, Ziva correctly interpreted his lack of reaction as affirmation. "Of course you did."
Gibbs just looked back at her.
After a moment of silence, Ziva spoke up again. "Well… what do we do?"
"Do?"
"Tony is making a mistake!" she insisted heatedly.
"Maybe," Gibbs allowed. "But he's entitled to make it."
Incredulous, Ziva raised her eyebrows-and her voice. "So, we should not even tell him that he is wrong?"
Tony's eyelids fluttered in response to her impassioned shout, and he shifted restlessly, mumbling something unintelligible.
Gibbs gave Ziva a reproving glare before pulling her some distance from the bed.
"Didn't say that," he growled softly, once they were just outside the door. "But no one can make this choice for DiNozzo, except DiNozzo."
Ziva sighed in frustration, not wanting to admit that Gibbs was right.
"But, Gibbs-" she protested.
Suddenly they were interrupted by a loud beeping coming from Tony's room. Tony had begun tossing and turning, and he had managed to detach a lead to one of his monitors which was now emitting a piercing alarm.
Gibbs hurried over to the bed, fearful that Tony might do some damage by pulling out his IV or reopening his stitches.
"Tony. Tony, stop."
Tony didn't seem to hear him as he continued to moan and thrash around, his face slick with perspiration. Ziva could just make out what he was saying as he whimpered in distress.
"Please don't leave, Momma. Please don't go. I'll be good."
His anguished cries tore at Ziva's heart, and she found herself thinking of the little boy he must have been when he lost his mother so young. She was even more determined now that Tony needed the family that he did have, needed and wanted them desperately, including Ali, even if he wouldn't consciously admit it, and even if he did, at times, seem to sabotage his own efforts in that area.
"Tony." Gibbs put his hands on Tony's shoulders. "Tony, you need to settle down."
Tony continued to fight Gibbs with surprising strength for a man in his condition, and Gibbs struggled to keep him from hurting himself.
"DiNozzo!" Gibbs finally barked, administering a light tap to the top of his agent's head. "Knock it off!"
Tony immediately stilled, going limp against the sweat-soaked pillows.
Before that could give Gibbs more than fleeting worry, though, Tony had opened his eyes a crack, a look of confusion passing over his features.
"Boss?" he questioned in a hoarse whisper, before he was taken over with a brief coughing fit.
"Easy, Tony." Gibbs helped him sit up and Tony gradually got his breathing back under control.
He squinted up at Gibbs. "Boss, you're here?"
"'Course." Gibbs answered. "Where else would I be?"
Tony turned up his lips in a slight smile, closing his eyes again. "Nowhere."
"Got that right." Gibbs said, his gruff tone belied by the affectionate way he brushed back an unruly strand of hair, sticky with sweat, from Tony's fevered brow, as the agent settled back to sleep.
Watching from the doorway, Ziva felt as though she were intruding on a private moment. She quietly slipped out into the hallway, deciding this was as good a time as any for a coffee run.
As Ziva walked into the room early the next morning, she couldn't help but smile to see Gibbs lightly dozing in the chair to the side of Tony's bed, his head drooping forward as he napped. Several empty coffee cups sat next to him, evidence of the long night-and the fact that Ziva had taken on the unofficial role of his caffeine provider and enabler.
Even taking into account the increased coffee intake and the fact that his late nights were habitually sleepless, spent building boats, Ziva knew Gibbs had to be exhausted by now. He had barely slept a wink since Tony had been shot, and last night was no exception.
Tony'd had a rough time of it, waking every so often, confused and disoriented, sometimes delirious, his body alternately racked with chills and burning up. Gibbs had been there every minute, his mere presence calming Tony and soothing away the nightmares until the fever finally broke and he slept soundly. And only after the doctor had checked in an hour or so earlier and declared the antibiotics to be doing their job and the crisis to be at an end did Gibbs dare to rest.
Ziva didn't want to wake him, but it turned out she didn't have to. The ex-Marine perked up immediately upon smelling the fresh coffee she had once again brought with her, and grunted his thanks as she handed him a cup.
As he sipped the hot coffee, Gibbs stood and walked over to the bed, his joints cracking loudly in protest. Satisfied that Tony was still fast asleep and would be fine for a few minutes while he went to hit the head and stretch his legs, he muttered "Back in a minute," to Ziva and left the room.
Ziva sat down and reached out to take Tony's hand, relieved that it no longer felt so hot in her own. When Tony stirred at her touch she quickly pulled her hand away, but it was too late. Tired green eyes opened and focused on her.
"Hey, Ziva," he murmured sleepily.
"Sorry. I did not mean to wake you. You need your sleep."
"Sleep? Nah." Tony gave a drowsy smile, blinking slowly. "That stuff's… for sissies."
Ziva laughed. "Oh, really? I could have sworn it was you in that bed not five minutes ago, sleeping like a dog. I must have been mistaken."
"It's 'log,' Zi."
Puzzled at the seeming non sequitur, Ziva briefly thought of brain damage, and that thought put a note of concern in her voice. "What is, Tony?"
His eyes sparkled faintly with suppressed mirth. "'Sleeping like a log' is the expression, Zee-vah," he replied.
Ziva frowned, mystified. That couldn't be right.
"But, dogs sleep, and logs do not, yes?" she pointed out. "Besides, I am sure that I have heard some saying about allowing sleeping dogs to rest."
It was Tony's turn to look confused. "Allowing- what?" As his fatigued mind sorted through the mangled idiom, he suddenly broke into a full-fledged grin. "Oh… You mean 'let sleeping dogs lie?' Nothing to do with each other. I promise."
"What about 'dog tired?' Is that related?"
"Huh." Tony considered it. "I don't think so. Neither is dog-eared, sick as a dog, wag the dog, top dog, salty dog, or hair of the dog." He grinned slyly. "But every dog has its day."
Ziva gave a good-natured scoff. "You and your American expressions."
Tony smiled again, then licked his dry lips. Ziva noticed.
"Water?"
When he nodded, she moved to pour some water from the pitcher beside his bed into a cup with a straw, and then helped him sit up to drink.
After he had swallowed a few mouthfuls, he leaned back against the pillows, a slow smile spreading across his face.
"What?" Ziva asked, suspiciously.
"I think you may have missed your calling, Ziva. Could've been a great nurse."
"Really?" Ziva narrowed her eyes. "So, are you saying you think I would look good in one of those nurse outfits?
"Yeah. Well, no! I mean, that's not what I meant. Cuz I know you'd hurt me if I did. Aw, geez, I…"
She folded her arms, watching in mock-stern amusement as Tony desperately tried to dig himself out of that hole.
"Ziva." He looked at her, his expression completely serious. "I almost died, and you're accusing me of fantasizing about you in a nurse outfit? Can't you cut me some slack?"
She nodded, chuckling. "I suppose. But you can be sure it is the closest you will ever come to seeing me in one, so I would make it count."
"We-ll," Tony raised his eyebrows, "someone has a high opinion of herself."
Ziva smirked. "No. I just know you, Tony."
"You think so? Alright then, oh psychic ninja. Tell me what I'm thinking now," he challenged.
She gave him a cursory glance. "Too easy. You are thinking about what it would take for you to score a sponge bath."
Tony gave a startled laugh. "Ha! What? Ha! No. Nuh-uh. No way. I was not thinking that."
"Would you like me to tell you what it would cost?" Ziva smiled, skimming one finger down his jaw line.
He gulped silently as she leaned her face closer to his.
"If I told you," Ziva murmured directly into his ear, her breath teasing his neck ominously, "I would have to kill you." She patted his cheek as she straightened up. "And that would be a shame, considering what we all just went through, hmmm?"
Tony leaned his head back, beginning to laugh. "Ok, forget what I said. As a nurse, your bedside manner could definitely use a little work."
"And that is why I would never be a nurse," Ziva told him, laughing a little herself. But then she grew serious as she changed the subject. "Tony, I know what happened."
The smile faded from Tony's face. "What do you mean?" he asked evasively, not meeting her eyes.
"Between you and Ali."
"Do you?" he asked, trying and failing to sound uninterested.
"Tony, I understand how you must be feeling about all of this, but cutting her out of your life is not the right decision. I cannot let you just-"
Tony raised his eyebrows. "'Let me?' Oh. Huh. Ok. You know, correct me if I'm wrong, but I was under the impression that you didn't even like Ali. So, why all of a sudden do you care so much?"
Ziva sighed. "I was wrong about her, Tony." It seemed easier for her to admit this time. "And I care because I care about you. And I know that you care about her, too. After all, you did this to protect her."
Tony stared at her, surprised that she could see through him so easily, but not willing to admit it. "Is that what you think? And what, pray tell, makes you such an expert?"
"Because that is what you do, Tony! You-"
He held up his hand to cut her off. "Look, I really don't want to talk about it, ok?"
"Fine." Ziva shrugged nonchalantly. "You do not have to talk. Just listen."
Tony set his jaw and stared at the wall. "Not like you're exactly giving me a choice," he muttered.
Ziva ignored this. "Tony, you may feel like this is the only option you have right now, but, trust me, you will regret it. You will regret it if you do not get to know your sister."
When Tony did not respond, she moved into his line of sight, locking eyes with him. "I know this, Tony, all too well. My own sister Tali was killed when she was only 16. It was very sudden, very unexpected, and it took me a long time to come to terms with her death. I regret that I didn't spend as much time with her as I could have." Tears glistened in Ziva's eyes as painful memories were recalled. "I know that I would give anything for one more day with her."
Tony looked down. What Ziva said was making sense, but he had his reasons for what he'd done.
"I'm sorry, Ziva. And I see what you're saying, but it isn't the same. I'm no good for her. I mean, come on, within a week of meeting me, she got kidnapped and terrorized by some sick bastard who was after me, who had a grudge against me, just because she happened to be there! It's my fault he hurt her. He was going to kill her, and that would've been my fault, too! It isn't safe for her to be near me." Tony sighed, then continued in practically a whisper. "I'm not safe."
Ziva threw her hands in the air in frustration. "So… what, then? You are just going to cut yourself off from everyone now? Because you think you are 'not safe?'"
Tony groaned. "No, Ziva. That's not what I said. Look, we're trained federal agents, alright? Any one of us could be killed out in the field any day. And we know that. We're prepared for it, we're trained. She's not, and there's no way she could've guessed what she'd be getting into, just by walking into my life."
"And what would that be, exactly?"
Tony rolled his eyes. "Come on, Ziva. Everything happens to me. It's like I'm some kind of walking, talking, ticking time bomb of bad luck, just waiting to go off at a second's notice. I've been framed for murder, kidnapped, drugged, shot, stabbed, gotten plenty of broken bones and more concussions than I can count; I had the freaking plague for Pete's sake! And before you say that it comes with the job, well of course that's part of it, but you can't deny that the rest of it is all me. Somehow danger always finds me and I end up in the middle of everything. She doesn't need to take that on."
Ziva shook her head. "Tony, it is not your place to make this choice for her just because you feel she would not be safe. It is not fair or right of you. Ali went looking for you, for her brother. She wanted to find you, and she did. She wants to be a part of your life."
"Ziva," Tony gazed up at her earnestly, "if being around me puts her in danger, do you think I'm just going to let her get hurt?"
"But this will hurt her, Tony. Can you not see that? It will hurt both of you."
Tony shook his head slowly. "It's better this way."
"Tony," Ziva said softly, placing her hand on top of his. "Believe me; I understand why you thought you had to do this. But you need to understand something, too. Life is too short to be ruled by fears, whether they are fears for others, or fears for yourself."
"Huh." Tony scoffed. "What do you mean by that? What is it I'm supposed to be afraid of?"
"I think you are afraid of letting people care about you, and afraid of letting yourself care in return. But people do care about you, Tony, and sometimes you need to take a risk and let them inside."
"Ziva, just because I'm not the most open book doesn't mean I'm afraid-" he began.
"I know it is not easy to let yourself be that vulnerable," Ziva interrupted. "And I know you did not have an upbringing that is very conducive to letting people in, but I also know that you can do it if you try."
She glanced at Tony's face, seeing it carefully expressionless, and sighed. "It is alright to need people, Tony. And it is alright to be happy. I know you are not used to having family to count on, but you have an opportunity here and you should not throw it away. Family is like riding a bicycle, Tony; you just have to keep getting back on."
This brought out a small smile from Tony. "Ziva David, boldly going where no mixed metaphor has gone before. And I think that one actually made sense."
The look on Ziva's face though, showed that she was in no mood for his attempt at levity. "Ali will always be your sister, Tony," she told him solemnly. "It is up to you what you do with that."
She stood up to leave. "I will see you later, Tony."
As Ziva walked out, she passed Gibbs on his way back in.
After she had left, Tony looked up at him, a troubled expression on his face. "You know something, Boss? I think I screwed up."
Gibbs eyed him over the top of his coffee cup, already on his second of the morning. He had been outside the door for a few minutes, listening to the end of Ziva and Tony's talk, so he knew exactly what Tony was referring to. "Ya think?"
Tony sighed. "Ok, I know I screwed up." He looked down and swallowed hard. "I don't know how I'm going to fix it, though. I don't know if it's even possible."
Gibbs leaned down, his face level with Tony's, and swiftly brought his hand around to connect with the back of Tony's head.
"Ow!" Tony yelped, more out of habit than anything, as it hadn't really hurt. Gibbs was holding back. "Should've seen that coming," he muttered under his breath.
"I've never known you to back down from a challenge, DiNozzo," Gibbs told him firmly. "Don't start now."
"So, you think I'll figure it out, Boss?" Tony searched Gibbs' face for reassurance.
Gibbs tapped him under the chin, looking him straight in the eye. "I know you will."
...
Chapter 27