Drift (Chapter 4)
Pairing: JongKey
Rating: PG-15 for language
Genre: Drama, Angst
Disclaimer: A girl can dream.
Summary: Jonghyun’s ankle was fine - it was something else that kept him visiting the hospital.
Prologue ~ 1 ~ 2 ~ 3 ~ 4 ~ 5
______________
Drift - Chapter 4
It was two days after their last SHINee World concert. They were all tired, completely worn out by hours of jumping around on stage. Although they had enjoyed every second of it, they couldn’t help but feel as if they could breathe again as a great weight was lifted from their shoulders.
Still, they entered the practice room after their last schedule that day, the sun having set long ago. It would surely be a quick, short practice, because the boys could barely stand on their feet.
Literally. Jonghyun had been feeling odd all day, worse than ever before. Still, he chose to hide it, to act strong in hopes that it would pass. But the truth was that halfway through their warm up, his head was spinning and the last thing he remembered was meeting Kibum’s gaze in the mirror.
Nothing had ever been as frightening as watching Jonghyun tumble to the ground, watching his body go limp and his usually grand eyes shut in what felt like slow-motion. The unpleasant memory of Onew fainting backstage a few years back came to Kibum’s mind, who rushed to the collapsed boy’s side. It all felt like a déjà vu, only this time it was impossibly more frightening to Kibum because his best fucking friend had just blacked out in front of his very eyes.
Everything happened very fast after that: Minho ran out to get their manager, a stylist, an agent, anyone, while Jinki was already clutching his phone, dialling for an ambulance. Kibum was on the floor, trying to lift Jonghyun’s upper body into his lap while Taemin could only watch.
“I don’t think you should move him...” the maknae said, his voice completely blank. He was right: if Jonghyun’s ankle was sprained again, or worse broken, then it would have been best not to touch him.
Kibum ignored the dancer, not because he chose to but because he couldn’t concern himself with words at the moment. He had managed to wrap an arm around Jonghyun’s shoulder to hoist him slightly upwards - the boy wasn’t all that heavy. Kibum wasn’t crying, not yet, because he was too scared to feel anything else.
A few minutes were all it took before a medical team was prying Jonghyun out of his hold, and Jinki gently guided him to their van, Taemin and Minho close behind.
“I want to go in the ambulance,” Kibum had protested meekly, tugging at Jinki’s hoodie.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Key,” the leader responded in a murmur, grasping the younger boy’s shoulders to lead him into the van.
The ride to the hospital was a quiet one as all remained mute, not knowing what to say or what to think. Kibum’s mind was unusually blank but for one word:
Please.
He felt a warm hand on his and he looked up into Jinki’s eyes, the elder’s gaze not at all reassuring but at least he had stopped Kibum’s hand from shaking.
They had waited for what seemed like forever in the hospital’s waiting room, and Kibum was beginning to fall asleep on their leader’s shoulder despite the harsh lighting, despite the voices muttering here and there, despite the uneasiness and dread in his chest. However, right when sleep was beginning to pull the boy’s consciousness away from him, Jinki left his seat to speak to their manager, who was on the phone again, having been receiving calls every few minutes. Had the doctors said anything yet? Jinki asked the man. Would his ankle be okay? Would he need surgery? All these questions went unanswered; the doctor had yet to come out of the room in which Jonghyun was lying. Minho noticed Kibum slumping down into the hard wooden chair and walked over to sit in the seat beside him, wrapping an arm around his hyung and rubbing his shoulder. Kibum drifted to sleep soon after, followed by Minho, mind still troublingly blank.
They were woken up in the middle of the night to the sight of a doctor in a white coat standing in front of them. Apparently, Jonghyun’s ankle was fine. It was something else. The man in white told them they would run a few tests as fast and as soon as possible, and that was probably the last thing Kibum wanted to hear. The rush of adrenaline that suddenly took over his body was startling as he sat stiffly in the chair, now completely awake.
A few minutes after the doctor had disappeared into the room again, a nurse in green scrubs joined them in the waiting room with a clipboard and a pencil in hand. She interrogated each of the members individually, ending with Kibum.
“Has Jonghyun been eating properly lately?” she asked in a detached tone that made Kibum want to snatch her pencil and snap it into halves.
“I guess... I don’t really know.” He didn’t. He hadn’t eaten a meal with the vocalist in a while, their different schedules keeping them apart most of the time.
“Has he been sleeping properly?”
“I guess...”
“What are his sleeping habits these days?”
“Um, well he usually gets home after us and gets up before us... I don’t really know.”
“Have you noticed any significant changes in his personality or mood lately?”
“N-no,” Kibum answered, although it sounded more like a question.
“Has he picked up any unusual habits lately?”
I don’t fucking now, because I haven’t been with him lately.
Kibum wanted to scream, wanted to scream at the cold and annoying nurse to leave him alone and to stop making him feel like the shittiest friend in the world because really, that was how he felt.
Late the next day, the boys learned about Jonghyun’s diagnosis. Kibum made it to the hospital as soon as he could, but the sick boy was sleeping and Kibum was told not to disturb him. He needs all the sleep he can get, was what he had been told.
That night, Kibum cried himself to sleep because even though he was still scared, he had finally started to feel. To feel his loss. Not only because the bunk above his was empty - he was a bit used to it by now - but because he had hardly seen much less talked with the man he called his best friend in what felt like months. He wasn’t sure if he could even call that boy his best friend anymore, and that was what had him crying the hardest.
***
They were drifting apart, had been for the past few months and Jonghyun wasn’t sure if schedules were entirely to blame.
Drift.
Jonghyun hated that word. What did it even mean?
It meant that he was spending less and less time with Kibum, that Kibum didn’t come to him for entertainment or support or to rant anymore, that Kibum was no longer the one who pushed him out of bed in the morning, that Kibum didn’t lean on his shoulder whenever he laughed. Then again, Kibum couldn’t do that anymore because all those things required Jonghyun’s presence by his side.
Why were they letting hectic schedules and, now, a stupid disease get in the way? Once upon a time, Jonghyun would have sworn Kibum returned his feelings and would have fought to stay by the elder’s side should life decide to come between them.
Jonghyun had realized long ago that his best friend meant a lot to him: he had always liked Kibum a bit more than he should have. Everybody sort of knew, even the fans, because Jonghyun never seemed to be able to keep his hands off of the younger boy. They had started their infamous skinship a long time ago, even before their debut, and it had been reciprocal. Even though Jonghyun had more often than not been the one to initiate it, the teasing and playful warmth had been mutual.
But Jonghyun had always been a bit confused by his feelings for the other boy. There was definitely some affection... but more than that? He didn’t know. Kibum had always been perfect just as he was, he had always been sexy - and sometimes was made even sexier by the fact that he wasn't aware of it - and of course Jonghyun liked him or else they wouldn’t be best friends... but sometimes Jonghyun wondered if there was more to it. If there was more to their not-so-casual touches than blatant friendship.
It was no secret that he loved Kibum as a friend, as a brother, as a band mate. It was also no secret that they had exchanged many “I love you's” in the past, but until recently, Jonghyun had never paused to think about it. Was it really that normal to want to touch your friend all the time? To drag him up to cold roof tops and ask him to hug you? To be able to sleep peacefully only because he was lying beside you? To feel like the biggest jerk on earth simply because you were making him worry?
Jonghyun wasn’t sure if he wanted it to be normal or not.
“I’m cold Jjong, let’s go inside.”
“Okay.” And Jonghyun let him go, but by the time he reached out an arm to take Kibum’s hand, the younger boy was already three steps ahead, back turned.
They were surfing the web on Jonghyun’s laptop, sitting side by side on the small hospital bed, browsing Youtube and me2day in true teenager style because that was precisely what they were, at heart.
“Are you tired?” Kibum asked when Jonghyun had yawned for the third time in the past ten minutes.
“No,” Jonghyun lied - of course he was always tired.
“You should sleep if you are.”
But I don’t want to waste the little time I have with you.
“I’m fine.”
Kibum suddenly brought his face to Jonghyun’s as if trying to examine him closely.
“You’re aren’t. You’re tired,” Kibum spoke before pushing himself off the bed. “Sleep. I’ll go get some food.”
Jonghyun wanted to call Kibum back, to ask him to stay in the bed but didn’t find the voice to say so. He could only watch with a reserved expression as Kibum made his way towards the door.
“You’re not bringing your coat? It’s cold out,” Jonghyun spoke. Small talk.
“I’ll go to the cafeteria.”
Jonghyun made a face from his place on the bed.
“Are you sure? You should go somewhere else. The food is terrible.”
Kibum smiled slightly at his friend while he placed a hand on the doorknob.
“I don’t want to go outside in broad daylight, alone and get mauled by fangirls.”
Jonghyun returned the smile, only ten times brighter - or snarkier.
“It’s okay, you’ll be near a hospital anyway.”
Kibum laughed out loud while Jonghyun continued to smile.
“Sleep, Jjong.” With those last words, Kibum stepped out of the room, leaving Jonghyun with nothing else to do but to shut his laptop, lie down on the stiff mattress and hope that his friend wouldn’t take too long.
However, on his way down, Kibum met their manager and the man seemed anything but happy.
“You have schedules, Kibum. You can’t cancel them just because you feel like it,” the man scolded him, and really it only made Kibum angry. He didn’t like being stepped over, but he knew how to listen and be a good boy. Even though his job tired him sometimes - not just in the physical sense - he didn’t want to lose it for anything in the world.
He agreed to leave with the manager and join the other members for what was left of the photo shoot. He had to make a quick trip to Jonghyun’s room to fetch his coat and was relieved when he found the other already asleep on the bed. He felt something pinch at his heart though; he had wanted to be there for Jonghyun, he had told himself after the concert in Australia that he would stick by his friend’s side no matter what and yet here he was, walking away again.
When he was in the back seat of the van, he turned his pockets inside out in search of his cell phone, only to remember that he had forgotten it. He ended up borrowing his manager’s phone and typed in a message for Jonghyun.
It’s Key. I’m sorry, but our manager came and I had to leave. I’m sorry.
For a split second, he considered adding “I love you” but decided against it. He then erased the sent message from the phone’s outbox.
When Jonghyun woke up, it took him a while to realize he was alone in the room. It took him even longer to convince himself to look at the clock by the bed, which read 3:43 PM. He reached for his phone, which now lay beside the clock and as expected, there was a new message.
He couldn’t feel anger towards Kibum - he was an idol, too, after all and knew what packed schedules meant. Still, he felt a lonely tear roll down his cheek. It wasn’t fair that fate had decided to take away his health, but that he could live with. What he couldn’t live with was fate trying to take away his best friend, the boy he loved.
Previous ~ Next
______________
A/N: Only one more chapter to go! Thank you for reading (:
Rating: PG-15 for language
Genre: Drama, Angst
Disclaimer: A girl can dream.
Summary: Jonghyun’s ankle was fine - it was something else that kept him visiting the hospital.
Prologue ~ 1 ~ 2 ~ 3 ~ 4 ~ 5
______________
Drift - Chapter 4
It was two days after their last SHINee World concert. They were all tired, completely worn out by hours of jumping around on stage. Although they had enjoyed every second of it, they couldn’t help but feel as if they could breathe again as a great weight was lifted from their shoulders.
Still, they entered the practice room after their last schedule that day, the sun having set long ago. It would surely be a quick, short practice, because the boys could barely stand on their feet.
Literally. Jonghyun had been feeling odd all day, worse than ever before. Still, he chose to hide it, to act strong in hopes that it would pass. But the truth was that halfway through their warm up, his head was spinning and the last thing he remembered was meeting Kibum’s gaze in the mirror.
Nothing had ever been as frightening as watching Jonghyun tumble to the ground, watching his body go limp and his usually grand eyes shut in what felt like slow-motion. The unpleasant memory of Onew fainting backstage a few years back came to Kibum’s mind, who rushed to the collapsed boy’s side. It all felt like a déjà vu, only this time it was impossibly more frightening to Kibum because his best fucking friend had just blacked out in front of his very eyes.
Everything happened very fast after that: Minho ran out to get their manager, a stylist, an agent, anyone, while Jinki was already clutching his phone, dialling for an ambulance. Kibum was on the floor, trying to lift Jonghyun’s upper body into his lap while Taemin could only watch.
“I don’t think you should move him...” the maknae said, his voice completely blank. He was right: if Jonghyun’s ankle was sprained again, or worse broken, then it would have been best not to touch him.
Kibum ignored the dancer, not because he chose to but because he couldn’t concern himself with words at the moment. He had managed to wrap an arm around Jonghyun’s shoulder to hoist him slightly upwards - the boy wasn’t all that heavy. Kibum wasn’t crying, not yet, because he was too scared to feel anything else.
A few minutes were all it took before a medical team was prying Jonghyun out of his hold, and Jinki gently guided him to their van, Taemin and Minho close behind.
“I want to go in the ambulance,” Kibum had protested meekly, tugging at Jinki’s hoodie.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Key,” the leader responded in a murmur, grasping the younger boy’s shoulders to lead him into the van.
The ride to the hospital was a quiet one as all remained mute, not knowing what to say or what to think. Kibum’s mind was unusually blank but for one word:
Please.
He felt a warm hand on his and he looked up into Jinki’s eyes, the elder’s gaze not at all reassuring but at least he had stopped Kibum’s hand from shaking.
They had waited for what seemed like forever in the hospital’s waiting room, and Kibum was beginning to fall asleep on their leader’s shoulder despite the harsh lighting, despite the voices muttering here and there, despite the uneasiness and dread in his chest. However, right when sleep was beginning to pull the boy’s consciousness away from him, Jinki left his seat to speak to their manager, who was on the phone again, having been receiving calls every few minutes. Had the doctors said anything yet? Jinki asked the man. Would his ankle be okay? Would he need surgery? All these questions went unanswered; the doctor had yet to come out of the room in which Jonghyun was lying. Minho noticed Kibum slumping down into the hard wooden chair and walked over to sit in the seat beside him, wrapping an arm around his hyung and rubbing his shoulder. Kibum drifted to sleep soon after, followed by Minho, mind still troublingly blank.
They were woken up in the middle of the night to the sight of a doctor in a white coat standing in front of them. Apparently, Jonghyun’s ankle was fine. It was something else. The man in white told them they would run a few tests as fast and as soon as possible, and that was probably the last thing Kibum wanted to hear. The rush of adrenaline that suddenly took over his body was startling as he sat stiffly in the chair, now completely awake.
A few minutes after the doctor had disappeared into the room again, a nurse in green scrubs joined them in the waiting room with a clipboard and a pencil in hand. She interrogated each of the members individually, ending with Kibum.
“Has Jonghyun been eating properly lately?” she asked in a detached tone that made Kibum want to snatch her pencil and snap it into halves.
“I guess... I don’t really know.” He didn’t. He hadn’t eaten a meal with the vocalist in a while, their different schedules keeping them apart most of the time.
“Has he been sleeping properly?”
“I guess...”
“What are his sleeping habits these days?”
“Um, well he usually gets home after us and gets up before us... I don’t really know.”
“Have you noticed any significant changes in his personality or mood lately?”
“N-no,” Kibum answered, although it sounded more like a question.
“Has he picked up any unusual habits lately?”
I don’t fucking now, because I haven’t been with him lately.
Kibum wanted to scream, wanted to scream at the cold and annoying nurse to leave him alone and to stop making him feel like the shittiest friend in the world because really, that was how he felt.
Late the next day, the boys learned about Jonghyun’s diagnosis. Kibum made it to the hospital as soon as he could, but the sick boy was sleeping and Kibum was told not to disturb him. He needs all the sleep he can get, was what he had been told.
That night, Kibum cried himself to sleep because even though he was still scared, he had finally started to feel. To feel his loss. Not only because the bunk above his was empty - he was a bit used to it by now - but because he had hardly seen much less talked with the man he called his best friend in what felt like months. He wasn’t sure if he could even call that boy his best friend anymore, and that was what had him crying the hardest.
***
They were drifting apart, had been for the past few months and Jonghyun wasn’t sure if schedules were entirely to blame.
Drift.
Jonghyun hated that word. What did it even mean?
It meant that he was spending less and less time with Kibum, that Kibum didn’t come to him for entertainment or support or to rant anymore, that Kibum was no longer the one who pushed him out of bed in the morning, that Kibum didn’t lean on his shoulder whenever he laughed. Then again, Kibum couldn’t do that anymore because all those things required Jonghyun’s presence by his side.
Why were they letting hectic schedules and, now, a stupid disease get in the way? Once upon a time, Jonghyun would have sworn Kibum returned his feelings and would have fought to stay by the elder’s side should life decide to come between them.
Jonghyun had realized long ago that his best friend meant a lot to him: he had always liked Kibum a bit more than he should have. Everybody sort of knew, even the fans, because Jonghyun never seemed to be able to keep his hands off of the younger boy. They had started their infamous skinship a long time ago, even before their debut, and it had been reciprocal. Even though Jonghyun had more often than not been the one to initiate it, the teasing and playful warmth had been mutual.
But Jonghyun had always been a bit confused by his feelings for the other boy. There was definitely some affection... but more than that? He didn’t know. Kibum had always been perfect just as he was, he had always been sexy - and sometimes was made even sexier by the fact that he wasn't aware of it - and of course Jonghyun liked him or else they wouldn’t be best friends... but sometimes Jonghyun wondered if there was more to it. If there was more to their not-so-casual touches than blatant friendship.
It was no secret that he loved Kibum as a friend, as a brother, as a band mate. It was also no secret that they had exchanged many “I love you's” in the past, but until recently, Jonghyun had never paused to think about it. Was it really that normal to want to touch your friend all the time? To drag him up to cold roof tops and ask him to hug you? To be able to sleep peacefully only because he was lying beside you? To feel like the biggest jerk on earth simply because you were making him worry?
Jonghyun wasn’t sure if he wanted it to be normal or not.
“I’m cold Jjong, let’s go inside.”
“Okay.” And Jonghyun let him go, but by the time he reached out an arm to take Kibum’s hand, the younger boy was already three steps ahead, back turned.
They were surfing the web on Jonghyun’s laptop, sitting side by side on the small hospital bed, browsing Youtube and me2day in true teenager style because that was precisely what they were, at heart.
“Are you tired?” Kibum asked when Jonghyun had yawned for the third time in the past ten minutes.
“No,” Jonghyun lied - of course he was always tired.
“You should sleep if you are.”
But I don’t want to waste the little time I have with you.
“I’m fine.”
Kibum suddenly brought his face to Jonghyun’s as if trying to examine him closely.
“You’re aren’t. You’re tired,” Kibum spoke before pushing himself off the bed. “Sleep. I’ll go get some food.”
Jonghyun wanted to call Kibum back, to ask him to stay in the bed but didn’t find the voice to say so. He could only watch with a reserved expression as Kibum made his way towards the door.
“You’re not bringing your coat? It’s cold out,” Jonghyun spoke. Small talk.
“I’ll go to the cafeteria.”
Jonghyun made a face from his place on the bed.
“Are you sure? You should go somewhere else. The food is terrible.”
Kibum smiled slightly at his friend while he placed a hand on the doorknob.
“I don’t want to go outside in broad daylight, alone and get mauled by fangirls.”
Jonghyun returned the smile, only ten times brighter - or snarkier.
“It’s okay, you’ll be near a hospital anyway.”
Kibum laughed out loud while Jonghyun continued to smile.
“Sleep, Jjong.” With those last words, Kibum stepped out of the room, leaving Jonghyun with nothing else to do but to shut his laptop, lie down on the stiff mattress and hope that his friend wouldn’t take too long.
However, on his way down, Kibum met their manager and the man seemed anything but happy.
“You have schedules, Kibum. You can’t cancel them just because you feel like it,” the man scolded him, and really it only made Kibum angry. He didn’t like being stepped over, but he knew how to listen and be a good boy. Even though his job tired him sometimes - not just in the physical sense - he didn’t want to lose it for anything in the world.
He agreed to leave with the manager and join the other members for what was left of the photo shoot. He had to make a quick trip to Jonghyun’s room to fetch his coat and was relieved when he found the other already asleep on the bed. He felt something pinch at his heart though; he had wanted to be there for Jonghyun, he had told himself after the concert in Australia that he would stick by his friend’s side no matter what and yet here he was, walking away again.
When he was in the back seat of the van, he turned his pockets inside out in search of his cell phone, only to remember that he had forgotten it. He ended up borrowing his manager’s phone and typed in a message for Jonghyun.
It’s Key. I’m sorry, but our manager came and I had to leave. I’m sorry.
For a split second, he considered adding “I love you” but decided against it. He then erased the sent message from the phone’s outbox.
When Jonghyun woke up, it took him a while to realize he was alone in the room. It took him even longer to convince himself to look at the clock by the bed, which read 3:43 PM. He reached for his phone, which now lay beside the clock and as expected, there was a new message.
He couldn’t feel anger towards Kibum - he was an idol, too, after all and knew what packed schedules meant. Still, he felt a lonely tear roll down his cheek. It wasn’t fair that fate had decided to take away his health, but that he could live with. What he couldn’t live with was fate trying to take away his best friend, the boy he loved.
Previous ~ Next
______________
A/N: Only one more chapter to go! Thank you for reading (: