Spun Hearts: Falter
Title: Falter
Author: wanderingjasper
Rating: FRAO
Characters: Reid/OC, Morgan/Reid
Word Count: 2855
Themes: Drama, angst
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, but I do take liberties with them for no financial gain.
Notes: Part of the Spun Hearts 'verse. Previous instalments: here.
Summary: Alejandro leaves, and everything goes to hell.
“I was clinging to all that had been and, in an ideal world, all that we had hoped for. He, he wanted out.” - Freya North
“I don’t want you to leave,” Reid breathed into the back of Alejandro's neck. The weeks had gone by too fast, and the man would be gone in a day. Reid would be alone again, only this time knowing exactly what the world could offer and missing it.
“If I overstay on my visa, I’ll never be allowed back,” the other man said quietly, stroking his hand along Reid’s.
“You’d come back?” Reid asked hopefully.
“Not for you, Spencer.” It was said kindly, but Reid’s chest still ached, and he dragged himself away from the other man’s body and sat up on the bed.
“It’s just sex to you, too,” he muttered darkly.
“Spencer, you know that’s not true. We were clear about what this was, what it could be.”
“But that’s changed, Alejandro,” Reid said. “I think I’m falling in love with you.”
“You’re not,” the man said, as he turned over to look at Reid.
“How can you know that? You’re everything I could ask for. You could love me, too.”
“If Derek came to you now and said he wanted to be with you, would you choose me, or him?”
Reid didn’t answer, but they both knew what he’d say. He’d choose Morgan without a moment’s hesitation.
“You are not in love with me, Spencer,” he said softly. “I am safe. This is perfect because it is short. I could not give you what you need.”
“You’ve given me everything I need.”
“Yes, what you need now,” Alejandro explained. “Comfort, stability, learning. I can’t give you what you’ll need in the future. I can’t love you.”
“Why not?”
“I can’t love anyone. Not anymore.”
“Why, Alejandro?” Reid could feel himself getting angry that the most perfect scenario couldn’t continue.
“I loved once, Spencer,” he said. “The one who gave me the copy of Lewis Carrol, with the drawings. I loved him with every part of me. It didn’t stop the cancer, it only forced me to not be able to turn him down when he asked me to help him die. I couldn’t bear to lose him, or see him suffer. Mi vida.”
There was a silence in the room, where the anger drained out of Reid. He hadn’t wanted Alejandro to share that information just to offset his anger. The Spanish man sighed and folded his arms under his head, and rested his cheek on them.
“Sometimes you only love once, and it lasts forever or it destroys any hope of that.”
“So, love isn’t worth it. This - sexual, emotional connections, but not love, is the best I have to hope for?”
“No, Spencer,” Alejandro said soothingly. “It is worth it. It is worth the heartbreaking, and the hurting. It is worth dying for. If he feels like you do, you deserve to know it. Perhaps he just needs to work it out. He hasn’t had a me to help him work through.”
“So what do I do, when you’re gone?” Reid said, running his hands over his face and back through his hair. “He shuts down when I confront him.”
“Then don’t confront him,” Alejandro said. “Just talk to him.”
“He won’t want to talk.”
“Then he might need time. This is not easy.”
“I know.”
“I don’t want to abandon you, Spencer, but I have to leave.”
“Yeah.”
“Come back to bed, Spencer. We only have a little time,” Alejandro reached for him, touching his back gently. Reid let out a long breath through his nose, and then crawled back under the covers, into Alejandro's waiting arms. It was a small comfort, but he immersed himself in it, and pretended it could be this perfect forever.
---
It was an office day, but nobody seemed to be in the bullpen. Morgan could see Rossi and Hotch talking in the latter’s office, but none of the women were anywhere to be seen, and Reid wasn’t at his desk. He decided to call in on Garcia, only to find that was where JJ and Prentiss were.
“Hey. Where’s Reid?” Morgan asked.
Prentiss and JJ looked up from their conversation, sympathy on their faces.
“He took the day off,” Prentiss said.
“Alejandro is going back to Spain,” JJ explained. “His visa runs out tomorrow. I don’t think he told Spence. So they’re having a last day together...”
“It’s so sad,” Garcia piped up, looking miserable. “Reid’s been so happy.”
“Yeah.”
“I thought they had a real connection,” JJ said. “I’m pretty sure Reid referenced him as his boyfriend.”
“They could have a long-distant relationship,” Prentiss offered.
“I don’t think so,” Garcia said. “It sounded pretty final. Like Reid thought it was one thing but it turned out Alejandro never wanted a long-term thing. Just a fling.”
Morgan hated the little part of himself that was relieved, because it was selfish and awful. He knew he couldn’t give Reid what the man wanted, so had no business entertaining thoughts of it. At the same time, the thought of how miserable Reid must be caught up to him. He knew he had to see him as soon as work got out, to make sure he was okay, to make sure his friend wasn’t at risk of breaking apart like he was the first time things had got physical between them.
---
They’d had sex to say goodbye, sprawled on Reid’s bed. Reid had clung to Alejandro's skin, encouraging him, writhing under him, fucked to bliss by the single best thing that had ever happened to him. They exchanged sweet kisses and endearments, murmurings in Spanish and English as they relished the last of their contact. Then he had to watch Alejandro leave, take his cab to the airport.
Reid could still feel the heat in his groin, the ghost of fullness and pressure. The man had promised to call and keep in touch, but it didn’t mean any less that it was over. The lover that had never promised to be anything other than temporary was probably boarding his plane at that moment.
So when he heard a knock at his apartment door his mind raced through possibilities worthy of cheesy romance novels; Alejandro coming back, telling him they could make it work, or declaring his love, promising him the world. Instead he found Morgan stood there.
“Hey pretty boy.”
“Morgan.” Reid swallowed; Morgan was the last person he expected or wanted to see. Morgan couldn’t do this, not now, it wasn’t fair.
“I heard Alejandro left.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m just here to check you’re doing okay, Reid,” he said calmly, holding up his hands passively.
“Why?” Reid asked, feeling reckless. “Why now? Why right now, Morgan?”
“You’re my friend, Reid. I want you to be okay,” Morgan’s gaze faltered, and he looked at the floor. “I want to make you okay.”
“You want to make me okay?” Reid echoed, pressing intensity on the words.
“I-” Morgan’s eyes darted up again, “I want to... I want you. I know how to make you feel better.”
“You want me?” Reid asked.
“Yes.”
“You just want to fix me with a fuck and then forget me.”
“No, Reid. I want more.”
Reid’s breath caught in his chest. He hadn’t realised how much he’d been anticipating those words before he heard them.
“More?” he breathed.
“More, Reid.”
They should talk, he knew, like Alejandro had said, but Reid was too drained for words. Instead he pulled Morgan into his apartment by the front of his shirt and then pushed him up against the closed door, kissing him needily. Morgan responded in kind, put his hands on Reid’s hips and kissed back.
“More,” Reid breathed, pushed away from the door and led Morgan towards the bedroom. He doubted the man would miss the musty smell of sex - less than an hour before Reid and Alejandro had been there together.
They tumbled onto the bed together in a heap of limbs, and found each other’s mouths again. Morgan moved between Reid’s legs and pressed their groins together, hand running his side. Reid knew it should go slow, he should savour the feeling that Morgan wanted him, properly wanted him, wanted more. But his body refused to listen, and then his own hands were at his waist and pushing his slacks down away from his hips.
“God, Reid,” Morgan murmured in between kisses.
“Want more, Morgan,” he breathed. “fuck me.”
“Need to get you ready.”
“I’m ready. Now, Morgan.”
Morgan groaned, hips pressing down hard. “You just fucked Alejandro here, didn’t you?”
Reid bumped his hips up wantonly, the words sending electrical signals straight to his groin.
“Uh huh,” he managed to get out as Morgan helped divest him of his slacks and moved to hastily unbutton his shirt, just so it was open enough for him to get to the flesh below.
“God,” Morgan growled as he ran his and down where Reid would normally have underwear on, to find nothing. He reached out and scrambled around in Reid’s draw for lube and condoms, only to realise they were already out on the bedside table. He grabbed them and brought them closer, on the bed beside their bodies. Reid’s hands were now working on Morgan’s belt, and when he got it open he pushed the man’s trousers and underwear down around his thighs. He shook his foot at the sensation of his slacks still hanging off one, and brought his legs up around Morgan’s as the man pulled off his t-shirt.
“Morgan, please.” Words had failed him, but he didn’t want to use them right then. He wanted Morgan inside of him, he wanted him like burning, wanted to smell his flesh up close and talk later.
“Did he fuck you on your bed?” Morgan asked, voice low and gravelly. He didn’t wait for an answer, whether he realised Reid was having trouble articulating or not. Instead he squeezes a glob of lube onto two of his fingers and reached down as he licked a stripe up Reid’s neck, probing at his entrance. Reid groaned when Morgan’s fingers slipped inside to minimal resistance, and clung to whatever parts of Morgan were closest.
“God, pretty boy, he really only just fucked you, didn’t he? You’re all stretched out for me. Do you want me?” He punctuated the question by thrusting his fingers in and out of Reid, curling them to stroke over his prostate.
Reid would have thought Morgan just wanted to hear him say yes if it wasn’t for the gentle nudge of his nose against his jaw, and knew in that moment that as ever Morgan needed to know Reid wanted it, didn’t want to do anything that wasn’t okay.
“Yes, yes,” he panted. “I want you. You want me too, right?” he asked breathlessly, verging on delirious.
“Yeah,” Morgan breathed as he slipped on a condom and lubed himself up. Reid lifted his legs to give Morgan access, and in a swift, firm move Morgan had pushed several inches of his cock inside of him.
“Fuck!” he gasped, clinging to Morgan’s shoulder blades.
“Oh god, Reid. Still so tight.” He took care, but he wasn’t gentle; reading the man’s face, watching him to make sure he was okay. Reid hooked his legs behind Morgan’s knees and encouraged him to thrust, slowly pushing himself deeper.
“Morgan!” he groaned, and licked sweat from his top lip.
“How big was he, Reid?” Morgan murmured, lowering his mouth to nip at his jaw. “Did he stretch you out? Did he stretch you out like this?”
“No,” Reid groaned.
“Did he ever reduce you to this? Overload that genius brain of yours?”
Not like this he hadn’t. “Morgan, just you. Just you. Your- god! Your,” he wasn’t sure what he’d intended to say, but it turned into “yours!”
“Mine, baby,” Morgan breathed, slamming his hips against Reid harder, claiming his mouth with a kiss. “Mine. Mine.”
He repeated the words like a mantra, grunting with the effort of fucking Reid into the mattress. Reid felt his throat tighten at the word, and he wrapped his arms around the man’s back, pulling him impossibly close. He would be his forever, now Morgan knew he wanted him.
“Please, Morgan,” he pleaded. He wasn’t sure how much he could take, how much longer he’d be able to communicate what he needed. Morgan knew, and reached between them to grab his cock and stroke him feverishly.
“C’mon pretty boy, cum for me.”
Reid cried out and threw his head back as he came, his body convulsing with the sensation. It was more than enough to drag Morgan with him, who came with a shout and hammered through, the bed creaking ominously.
“Mine,” Morgan gasped out against the man’s neck as he finally shuddered to a stop. They collapsed, satisfied.
Reid kissed the side of Morgan’s head and ran his hands down his damp back, savouring the smell of their sex and the heat of their bodies together. It could be like this every day now, now that Morgan wanted him for more than just a fuck. They could lie together for hours just like this, sated and peaceful together.
Morgan pulled out slowly, and instead of rolling off to the side, backed off the bed. Groggily Reid blinked, and stretched his legs out.
“That was so good, Morgan,” he murmured.
“Glad you liked it,” Morgan grinned as he started to do up his trousers again. “We should do it again some time.”
Morgan was pulling his shirt on has Reid sat up. “You’re leaving?” he asked incredulously.
“Yeah,” Morgan said, looking confused.
“But... I thought... what the hell, Morgan?”
“What?”
“You said you wanted me.”
“Yeah, and I just had you.” Morgan didn’t say it with any venom, but it landed just the same.
“You said you wanted to make me okay.” Reid’s cheeks were burning, and not from the heat.
“I thought I did. I thought this was what you wanted.”
“You said you wanted more.”
“Yeah. I thought we were going to-” he shrugged. The silence hung between them for a long moment, until Morgan looked away.
“You selfish fucking bastard.”
Morgan frowned, but Reid was up, not caring that he was only wearing an open shirt.
“You can’t do this to me! You know I wasn’t okay with this! You know I didn’t want to be just a fuck! You said you wanted me, wanted more!”
“Reid, I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t mean to make it seem like-”
“Fuck you, Morgan! You can’t treat me like this! You’re meant to be my friend! What the hell was that possessive ‘mine’ bullshit if you don’t want me? What the hell is wrong with you, Morgan?”
“Reid-”
“Don’t you get it, Morgan?! I’m in love with you! And you treat me like a whore! Don’t you feel anything for me?!”
“I’m not gay, Reid,” he said weakly.
“THEN STOP FUCKING MEN! STOP FUCKING ME! I’m a man, Morgan!”
Reid was shaking with rage. He had never felt more betrayed in his life than he did looking at Morgan, who looked caught between shock and angry tears.
“You’re a hypocrite! If you were still treating me like your friend and not a cheap fuck, and Alejandro had treated me like this, you’d have told me he was an asshole!”
“Reid, I’m sorry.”
“It’s too late. How could you do this to me?” He could feel hot tears threatening him, but he didn’t want to cry. He didn’t want to show Morgan how much it hurt to be treated like that. “How could you know I don’t want to just have sex with you, and use me? Manipulate the way I feel just to fuck me.”
“Reid please, I’m sorry,” Morgan said. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“But you did, and you didn’t think about it, and you didn’t care. You were supposed to be my friend. You were supposed to let me down gently, tell me you don’t love me back without stomping all over my feelings. You were supposed to have some tact!”
“Reid-”
“Get out!” Reid yelled. “Don’t come back!”
Morgan looked like he wanted to say something, but he thought better of it, and left. Reid waited thirty seconds after the door had closed before he burst into tears and crumbled onto the bed. He was in love with his best friend, and his best friend had used that to hurt him. He knew he hadn’t meant to, he couldn’t possibly be that cruel, but Morgan just hadn’t seemed to care in his pursuit of a quick fuck. He’d never felt more worthless than knowing he meant nothing more than that to the man he was in love with.
“I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.” - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry