Fic: Irreparable
Title: Irreparable
Author: wanderingjasper
Rating: PG13/FRT
Characters: Morgan/Reid, mentioned Reid/Ethan
Word Count: 2335
Themes: Angst.
Warnings: Minor references to drug use, sexual abuse.
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, but I do take liberties with them for no financial gain.
Notes: Sequel to Whiskey Mouth.
Summary: There is fallout from Reid's one night stand with Ethan.
“It was a mistake, you said. But the cruel thing was, it felt like the mistake was mine, for trusting you.” - David Levithan
Morgan didn’t look surprise to find Reid at his door. They hadn’t spoken since New Orleans but for words via earpiece in the field; the case had been concluded, they had flown home, and Reid had spent a sleepless night thinking about everything he’d done and what he could do to fix it. Morgan hadn’t answered his calls in the morning, and when he got to the BAU Hotch had informed him Morgan was taking a couple of personal days, and added a reminder that it was none of his business what they did as long as his work wasn’t effected by whatever was going on.
“Morgan,” he said uselessly, trying to read the man’s expression.
“Glad you’re here,” Morgan said flatly, opening the door to let him in. Reid felt a glitter of hope form, and straightened his posture expectantly as he shut the door behind himself. “I’ve got some of your stuff for you to take back.”
“Oh,” he said, unable to move from surprise as Morgan pressed the cardboard box into his arms. He looked down at the contents; pairs of underwear and socks, shirts and ties, books, a pair of glasses, a toothbrush and shampoo. “I thought we’d be able to talk.”
“We don’t have anything to talk about,” Morgan said plainly, looking around as if he was engaged in small talk in a grocery store queue.
“Derek-”
“We’re clearly in different places about what we want from a relationship,” Morgan interrupted. “I just wish we’d realised that before you decided to get drunk and screw you ex to let me know you wanted out.”
“I don’t want out.”
“We were a monogamous couple, you slept with someone else. Clearly you don’t want to be with me.”
“I do!”
“Why did you have sex with Ethan, then?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, think,” Morgan crossed his arms over his chest. “You’re smart, Reid, work it out.”
“I was drunk.”
“Drink is the how, not the why. You’ve been drunk before, and as I recall you didn’t cheat on me those times.”
Reid winced at the verbal reminder of what he’d done.
“It was a hard case,” Reid began, waiting for Morgan’s reaction, but he simply continued to watch him. “I’ve been-” He paused, steeling himself for what he knew he had to say. “I’ve been craving lately.”
“What?” Morgan’s cool demeanour fractured immediately, his face falling. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You- you don’t know what it’s like.”
“And Ethan does?”
“He... has a problem with alcohol.”
“Ethan is an alcoholic?”
“Yes.”
Morgan watched him for several moments, his face slowly recovering from the hurt of Reid’s admission back into a placid set of features.
“I’d have listened, Reid. You know, your logic isn’t as sound as you want to believe it is. You don’t have a problem with drugs anymore, you beat it. And you went to someone with a current problem with alcohol; that makes no sense. You were seeking out an addict to keep you from addiction?”
“Derek, I’m sorry.” He didn’t know what else to say, faced with his actions analysed and the irrationally of them highlighted so clearly.
“What could you possibly have got from him that you couldn’t get from me? Was it the sex? You could have asked for anything, I’d have given you what you need.”
“I’ve been asking for that for months.” Reid’s voice was small, and he didn’t meet Morgan’s eyes.
“Wait,” Morgan frowned, “this is about you getting fucked? Because I wouldn’t fuck you?”
“I kept telling you I was ready, and you kept treating it like I didn’t know what I wanted. You were so set on being a patient lover you decided only you knew what was best. You don’t have to protect me at every turn.”
“Wow, Reid.” He ran a hand back over his head, waiting until Reid met his eyes before he spoke again. “Did it ever occur to you, that the reason I hadn’t said yes to anal yet was because I wasn’t ready? That the idea of doing that, even being the one on top, scares the hell out of me? You know I’ve never been with a man. Not consensually. You knew that. I’ve talked about that to you more than I’ve ever done to anyone. Maybe I should have been clearer, but you’re meant to be a genius, you were meant to love me, I thought you’d realise it wasn’t just about me knowing best sexually. Fuck, Reid. ”
“I’m sorry,” Reid murmured, feeling the sudden hot sting of tears behind his eyes, and he clutched the box to his chest. Morgan kept looking at him as he leant against the back of the sofa, perching on it.
“Did you get yourself tested?”
“Yes.” Reid winced. “I have to wait a week for my results.”
“Good. I honestly hope you’re okay, Reid,” Morgan said sincerely. “Do you know why it was taking me so long to be ready to do anal? Because I wanted the first time we did it... I didn’t want to use a condom. Because every time I imagined us doing it, the condom part was really jarring, because-” he paused and sighed, looking away briefly, and Reid wondered if he was disappointed that he wasn’t divulging such a private thought in the context of a relationship with someone he could trust. “Because condoms were a big part of Buford’s MO. He used to like having me put them on him. He made me buy them a couple of times, waited outside the store for me and sent me in on my own, and then he’d use them with me. I think it made it easier for him to believe what he was doing was okay. Because if you care about someone, respect someone, you use a condom, right?”
He looked back to Reid, who was pressing his lips together to stop himself from crying as Morgan disclosed painful memories.
“It’s not like he was just using me, or anything,” he added bitterly. “And I wanted to be safe with you, but I tried and I couldn’t get past the thought of condoms and thinking of Buford. So I was going to ask if we could not use them, say we could get tested together to be absolutely sure we were safe. I guess I wanted it to be special.” He gave a hollow laugh. “But then you went bareback with Ethan during drunk sex, so I guess it doesn’t have the same significance to you. And really, that’s okay, but it’s another thing that makes it clear we’re not on the same page.”
“I was drunk, I didn’t mean not to use protection. I’ve never had unprotected sex before, I’d have liked it... to be with you...” The words died in his throat when he realised how useless the sentiment sounded. “Please, Derek, what can I do to make this better?”
“Reid-”
“Spencer,” he corrected desperately. “Please call me Spencer.”
“Reid, you can’t magically make this better.”
“I want to.”
“It’s not that simple. I love you, but I can’t do this. Not if I can’t trust you. Not if we want different things.”
“But I want you.” He could feel the threat of tears, but he held them back; he didn’t want Morgan to perceive them as manipulation.
“I don’t know what you want. I don’t think you do either.” Morgan shook his head. “You fucked Ethan. You didn’t tell me you were craving, you didn’t tell me how frustrated you were that I was going slow with the sex. I know we don’t talk about everything, but I thought you’d talk about those things, the big stuff that could fuck us over.”
“Derek,” he said, but nothing else because he didn’t know what he could say. A genius level IQ and an eidetic memory didn’t give him the resources to fix what was broken.
“Find what you want, Reid. Maybe it’s not with Ethan, maybe it is.” Morgan smiled sadly. “Find something you want to protect, something that’s worth more than a drunk one night stand. But it’s not this, not me. Go, please.”
Reid didn’t cry until he’d got back to his car, crumbling miserable against the steering wheel.
---
“Derek Morgan, I have a bone to pick with you!”
Reid paused before he passed Garcia’s office door at the sound of voices, a sudden jump in his throat as he anticipated what kind of conversation they were about to have.
“What is it, baby girl?” He sounded like he anticipated what was coming.
“First, you know I love you to pieces, right?”
“Yes.”
“So I’m not trying to bitch you out, but what the hell have you done?”
“What?”
“Look, nobody’s said anything, but we all know you are Reid had a thing. Guessed, mostly, but after New Orleans everyone knew.” She sounded a little disappointed that neither of them had told her, but continued on without mention of it. “Hotch won’t comment, but from what little Rossi said he heard it sounded like a doozy. And Reid hasn’t been right for weeks. What did you do? You didn’t break his heart, did you my perfect playboy? Old habits-?”
“Penelope, I love you, I know you know that,” Morgan said, “so understand I’m not being a dick when I tell you to leave this alone. It’s none of your business.”
“Oh. Fine.”
“Garcia-” he sighed, responding to her short tone.
“It’s fine, Derek. None of my business, you’re right.”
Reid backed up at the sound of heavy footfalls beyond the ajar door, not want to be caught eaves dropping. Morgan didn’t look at him as he passed him in the bullpen, but few moments later Reid still made his way to Morgan’s office. He knocked, and Morgan didn’t even register surprise as he looked up at him, and then beckoned him inside.
“Everything okay, Reid?”
“I overheard you talking with Garcia,” he said. “I didn’t mean to, though actually I could have left when I realised it was a private conversation, so I’m sorry.”
“Right.”
“Why didn’t you tell her what I did?”
Morgan crossed his arms and leaned them on the desk, considering Reid for a long moment.
“It’s none of her business what happened between us.”
“But she thinks you did something. She inferred that you were unfaithful to our relationship, when it was me who did that.”
“It doesn’t matter what she thinks.”
“It’s probably a safe assertion to say the rest of the team will be thinking along similar lines. Given your romantic history of promiscuity, and mine of limited romantic entanglement, their assumption is likely to be that you were the one who was adulterous.”
“It doesn’t matter.” Morgan shook his head. “Them knowing the circumstances of what happened isn’t gonna make it any better.”
“It’s not fair to you for them to be under the misconception that you did something wrong.”
“There’s a lot about this that isn’t fair.”
It wasn’t said with any venom, but Reid shrunk back, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Is that all, Reid?” Morgan asked.
“Yes,” he nodded, and then after a beat, “I have chlamydia and gonorrhoea.” He cringed, knowing that part of the reason for disclosure was that the possibility that it might appease Morgan as punishment for what he’d done.
“Oh.” Morgan frowned, concern written all over his features that made Reid feel terrible for considering that the man would in any way be glad for his infection.
“I had no sexually transmitted infections at the time of my last medical, and as I recall neither did you, so logic suggests that Ethan infected me.”
“Does he know?”
“I called him,” Reid nodded, “and told him he needs to get treated and inform any other sexual partners he’s had.”
“Gonorrhoea and chlamydia are treatable, right?”
“Yes, they’re easily cured, especially this soon after exposure before any symptoms have presented. I was given an intravenous dose of ceftriaxone and I have to get retested to see if the infection has been killed next week.”
“I’m glad you’re going to be okay.”
“Why are you glad?” Reid asked. “Why aren’t you angry at me?”
“Because me being angry doesn’t change anything,” Morgan said. “It doesn’t change that I trusted you, and that you had sex with someone who didn’t even care about you enough to use a condom to prevent infecting you with two STDs. It doesn’t change that I told you things about me that I’ve never shared with another person. It doesn’t change that I put everything into our relationship and it wasn’t enough.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know you are. But you still did it. And it doesn’t fix what broke.”
Reid pressed his lips together, nodding shortly. He didn’t know if Morgan’s calm disappointment was better or worse than anger or tears, but he didn’t need either to know how much he’d hurt the man.
“Morgan,” he got out finally, his voice shaky as he tried to keep his composure, “please can we talk about our relationship?”
“Reid, we don’t have a relationship anymore. We’re not partners or boyfriends or whatever we were. I don’t even know if I can be friends with you, Reid, when I can’t trust you.”
Reid made a hum of distress from between his lips, knowing if he opened his mouth he might sob and set off tears.
“You told me you loved me,” Morgan murmured, looking away and dropping his head into his hands. “How could you do this? I thought we were perfect, soul mates.”
“Derek-”
“Don’t.”
“Please-”
“Go, Reid. Just go back to work.”
With incredible effort to keep himself composed, Reid walked out of the office and away from the man he’d betrayed.
“True love is tested when betrayed.” - Toba Beta