Life Notes - Ink Stained Apologies
Title: Life Notes - Ink Stained Apologies
Rating: Good for everyone
Characters: Jack/Ianto
Chapters: Sequel to “Indelible Jealousy”
Spoilers: Set in series two. Slight spoilers for both series except exit wounds.
Summary: Just where exactly will this Paper Chase lead?
Disclaimer: Regrettably I own nothing, none of the characters, zip. Wish I did though.
Author’s Notes: Here it is, yet another part of “Life Notes”. This fic has taken over all my writing time and I think its simply because I’m addicted to knowing that people are enjoying it so much! So thank you, as ever this chapter is dedicated to all of you! As quick warning too! Sorry if Jack's voice is a little lost here, I'm not entirely convinced I've got it right! As promised, the letter in this chapter is huge, so you have been warned! And as always, comments are adored, loved, cherished and of course life! :)
What had just happened? Standing in the small kitchen, Ianto steadied himself on the counter top, his stomach feeling sick and uneasy. He swallowed hard, feeling a lump build in his throat as he remembered Jack’s words in the SUV. He felt so cheap, like all their connections had never existed and things were back to how they’d been in the beginning. Who did Jack think he was to accuse him of not caring like that? He knew just how much Ianto loved him.
Feeling tears build in his eyes, Ianto suddenly felt a wave of anger flow through him. Why was it always this way? He was always the one who suffered, the one who bared it all and got hurt. Jack was such a hypocrite, when he flirted with others Ianto just accepted it and reminded himself of what they had. But after all they had said, all that Ianto had felt between them, Jack hadn’t been able to see it.
Slamming his fist against the edge of one of the cabinets, Ianto quickly withdrew it in pain, watching blood slowly trickle from the new cut in his left palm. Quickly grabbing a tea towel, he wrapped it around his hand, feeling the tears pour down his cheeks as the rage subsided.
“Ianto?” The hand on his shoulder and soft voice of Toshiko suddenly reminded Ianto of where he was. Embarrassed, he turned further away from her, wiping away at his face with his good hand.
“Oh…………hi Tosh.” He managed to mumble, his back still to her.
“Have you hurt yourself? Let me see.”
“No……no its fine. Just a-”
“Let me see.” Forcibly but still gentle, Tosh slowly grabbed Ianto’s arm, turning him round to face her. For the first time he saw the look of concern on her face as she unwrapped the tea towel and stared at the deep cut. “How did you do this?”
“I slipped.” He managed to say, holding back more tears.
“We need to get it looked at. I’ll get Owen.”
“No!” Ianto gasped, louder than he anticipated. “Please Tosh.” He croaked, not able to hold back the tears anymore. “I don’t want him to see me like this.”
“Ok.” Stepping forward, Tosh closed the space between them, folding her arms around his slim shoulders. Ianto felt himself cling to her, desperate to be comforted, desperate for the pain to stop. “Look, come with me. We’ll go to the hospital and see another doctor. But you have to tell me everything Ianto. You can’t keep this to yourself ok?” She soothed, stroking the back of his head as if he was a small child.
Ianto managed to murmur in agreement, before Tosh led him out of the Hub and towards her car.
In his office, Jack poured himself another scotch, downing it in seconds. It made no difference; his throat was too numb to feel the liquid fire, and his brain to fuzzy to acknowledge the alcohol anyway. He’d seen Ianto leave with Toshiko, but he hadn’t asked where they’d gone, even though he desperately wanted to know. He wanted to hold Ianto again, to tell him that what he had said had been rash, a mixture of jealousy and fear and love. Love especially; he had never forgotten how much he loved Ianto….
Rubbing his temples, Jack replayed the morning’s events through his head. The kiss was stained onto his eyelids, playing continually over and over. Except each time, Ianto groaned into the woman’s body more and more, her arms becoming tighter around her neck as the kiss went on and on….
“I’m so sorry Ianto.” He breathed as if the young man was stood in front of him. “How can I ever make things up to you?”
Glancing down to his desk, Jack saw the small pile of love letters, at the very bottom his favourite, the list of why Ianto loved him. How could he have forgotten that so recklessly?
“4.) The way that he’s always there for me. When we’re together, it’s as if he’s only there for me, like I’m the only one who matters. When we talk, he listens more than anyone else I’ve known, and despite what I say, I know he’ll never judge me.”
Swallowing hard, Jack felt the guilt rack through his body as he read Ianto’s words. “The way that he’s always there for me.” Where was he now when Ianto needed him? He had judged him so harshly, done the one thing to Ianto that he never thought he was capable of doing. He had hurt him. And the worst part was it was all on purpose.
He had so much to say, but he knew right then Ianto wouldn’t listen to him. He’d done so much damage to their relationship that the distant memories of their date and waking up together seemed so long ago. Shaking his head, Jack reached for the only thing that he knew he could channel every emotion his heart felt through, and began to write.
Ianto,
I’m sorry. I know the words look feeble on this paper, but I want to explain everything that I can to you. I know that this is the best way to do it, because like before, pen and paper gives me the freedom that my spoken words lack. And I need that freedom Ianto, because you deserve more than anything for me to tell you why I’ve done this to you.
I just want to make things right between us. I know that you’ll see this and want to screw it up, tear it into little pieces and ram them down my throat. And I don’t blame you. I’ve almost managed to destroy everything in an instant, and I know that I should give you space, let us both think and regret. But the truth is Ianto, what we have is so special that it’s worth fighting for. Every minute we lose is unbearable; because to me every moment of us is more precious than anything else in the world.
I was so scared today. When I saw you pinned down by that weevil, I could see the scene play out before my very eyes as I ran to you. I could hear your screams when I was too late, I could almost feel your blood staining my hands. I was terrified that I’d lose you that you would slip away from me before my eyes like so many others. I have never felt so horrified and frightened in my life, because I have never been faced with losing everything in such a short space of time. Until today. When I thought that I would be too late, I felt like my world had just ended.
This isn’t an excuse for how I treated you. Or the girl. It wasn’t her fault; she was so shaken and frightened. And you my wonderful, heroic Ianto saved her life. She’d be dead if it hadn’t been for your selflessness. The truth is, I’m so used to being the hero that when someone else is, I almost feel threatened, even when that person is you.
You comforted her. Of course you did, because you care. After all the things you’ve seen, you still care. You stop to comfort just one person, you care for their wounds as best you can, and when they reach out for you, you don’t push them away. I wish that I could say the same for myself. You’re a better man than me, because after all the people I’ve saved, I’ve forgotten how to care in the same way as you do.
I can’t explain to you how that kiss made me feel. I know now that it was nothing to do with you, that it was simply her reaching out and wanting to feel comforted. But I didn’t see it then. All I could see was your lips touching hers. She was beautiful and that threatened me too. I’d been so scared of losing you, and then I saw you with her, and it felt like despite it all I had lost you anyway.
Part of me is always worried that I’ll lose you. I know that you say that you don’t care about my immortality, and that you want the forever that I can promise you. But what if you change your mind? What if you meet someone who you learn to love as much or maybe more than you love me? I’m terrified that you’ll leave me Ianto, terrified that you’ll realise that I can’t promise you enough. I worry that you’ll crave the normal life I can’t give you, and seek out that life elsewhere, away from me. I guess that all these underlying fears were just, amplified by that kiss today. It’s the only way I can explain it. Like the constant fear of losing you was suddenly so large that I couldn’t push it aside anymore.
So I lashed out. I said things that I regret more than anything else in my life. If I could retcon those words that I said from my brain I would. I’ve hurt you so much Ianto, made you think that the love I have promised you in these letters was false. I never wanted to do that. Believe me, the love I have for you is the most genuine emotion I’ve ever felt. I never meant to cheapen that, to make you feel like that wasn’t the case. I love you above anything and everything else Ianto. I just hope that somehow, you still love me.
I love you. I can’t say it enough because on paper the words just fall off my pen and arrange themselves onto the paper. I know that it won’t be easy; I know that you won’t want to forgive me. But I had to try Yan, because if I didn’t then I’d feel guiltier than I do now. I’m so sorry Ianto. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you, but it seems that I did that all too easily. I’m sorry, I am so sorry.
Yours forever,
Jack
Rating: Good for everyone
Characters: Jack/Ianto
Chapters: Sequel to “Indelible Jealousy”
Spoilers: Set in series two. Slight spoilers for both series except exit wounds.
Summary: Just where exactly will this Paper Chase lead?
Disclaimer: Regrettably I own nothing, none of the characters, zip. Wish I did though.
Author’s Notes: Here it is, yet another part of “Life Notes”. This fic has taken over all my writing time and I think its simply because I’m addicted to knowing that people are enjoying it so much! So thank you, as ever this chapter is dedicated to all of you! As quick warning too! Sorry if Jack's voice is a little lost here, I'm not entirely convinced I've got it right! As promised, the letter in this chapter is huge, so you have been warned! And as always, comments are adored, loved, cherished and of course life! :)
What had just happened? Standing in the small kitchen, Ianto steadied himself on the counter top, his stomach feeling sick and uneasy. He swallowed hard, feeling a lump build in his throat as he remembered Jack’s words in the SUV. He felt so cheap, like all their connections had never existed and things were back to how they’d been in the beginning. Who did Jack think he was to accuse him of not caring like that? He knew just how much Ianto loved him.
Feeling tears build in his eyes, Ianto suddenly felt a wave of anger flow through him. Why was it always this way? He was always the one who suffered, the one who bared it all and got hurt. Jack was such a hypocrite, when he flirted with others Ianto just accepted it and reminded himself of what they had. But after all they had said, all that Ianto had felt between them, Jack hadn’t been able to see it.
Slamming his fist against the edge of one of the cabinets, Ianto quickly withdrew it in pain, watching blood slowly trickle from the new cut in his left palm. Quickly grabbing a tea towel, he wrapped it around his hand, feeling the tears pour down his cheeks as the rage subsided.
“Ianto?” The hand on his shoulder and soft voice of Toshiko suddenly reminded Ianto of where he was. Embarrassed, he turned further away from her, wiping away at his face with his good hand.
“Oh…………hi Tosh.” He managed to mumble, his back still to her.
“Have you hurt yourself? Let me see.”
“No……no its fine. Just a-”
“Let me see.” Forcibly but still gentle, Tosh slowly grabbed Ianto’s arm, turning him round to face her. For the first time he saw the look of concern on her face as she unwrapped the tea towel and stared at the deep cut. “How did you do this?”
“I slipped.” He managed to say, holding back more tears.
“We need to get it looked at. I’ll get Owen.”
“No!” Ianto gasped, louder than he anticipated. “Please Tosh.” He croaked, not able to hold back the tears anymore. “I don’t want him to see me like this.”
“Ok.” Stepping forward, Tosh closed the space between them, folding her arms around his slim shoulders. Ianto felt himself cling to her, desperate to be comforted, desperate for the pain to stop. “Look, come with me. We’ll go to the hospital and see another doctor. But you have to tell me everything Ianto. You can’t keep this to yourself ok?” She soothed, stroking the back of his head as if he was a small child.
Ianto managed to murmur in agreement, before Tosh led him out of the Hub and towards her car.
In his office, Jack poured himself another scotch, downing it in seconds. It made no difference; his throat was too numb to feel the liquid fire, and his brain to fuzzy to acknowledge the alcohol anyway. He’d seen Ianto leave with Toshiko, but he hadn’t asked where they’d gone, even though he desperately wanted to know. He wanted to hold Ianto again, to tell him that what he had said had been rash, a mixture of jealousy and fear and love. Love especially; he had never forgotten how much he loved Ianto….
Rubbing his temples, Jack replayed the morning’s events through his head. The kiss was stained onto his eyelids, playing continually over and over. Except each time, Ianto groaned into the woman’s body more and more, her arms becoming tighter around her neck as the kiss went on and on….
“I’m so sorry Ianto.” He breathed as if the young man was stood in front of him. “How can I ever make things up to you?”
Glancing down to his desk, Jack saw the small pile of love letters, at the very bottom his favourite, the list of why Ianto loved him. How could he have forgotten that so recklessly?
“4.) The way that he’s always there for me. When we’re together, it’s as if he’s only there for me, like I’m the only one who matters. When we talk, he listens more than anyone else I’ve known, and despite what I say, I know he’ll never judge me.”
Swallowing hard, Jack felt the guilt rack through his body as he read Ianto’s words. “The way that he’s always there for me.” Where was he now when Ianto needed him? He had judged him so harshly, done the one thing to Ianto that he never thought he was capable of doing. He had hurt him. And the worst part was it was all on purpose.
He had so much to say, but he knew right then Ianto wouldn’t listen to him. He’d done so much damage to their relationship that the distant memories of their date and waking up together seemed so long ago. Shaking his head, Jack reached for the only thing that he knew he could channel every emotion his heart felt through, and began to write.
Ianto,
I’m sorry. I know the words look feeble on this paper, but I want to explain everything that I can to you. I know that this is the best way to do it, because like before, pen and paper gives me the freedom that my spoken words lack. And I need that freedom Ianto, because you deserve more than anything for me to tell you why I’ve done this to you.
I just want to make things right between us. I know that you’ll see this and want to screw it up, tear it into little pieces and ram them down my throat. And I don’t blame you. I’ve almost managed to destroy everything in an instant, and I know that I should give you space, let us both think and regret. But the truth is Ianto, what we have is so special that it’s worth fighting for. Every minute we lose is unbearable; because to me every moment of us is more precious than anything else in the world.
I was so scared today. When I saw you pinned down by that weevil, I could see the scene play out before my very eyes as I ran to you. I could hear your screams when I was too late, I could almost feel your blood staining my hands. I was terrified that I’d lose you that you would slip away from me before my eyes like so many others. I have never felt so horrified and frightened in my life, because I have never been faced with losing everything in such a short space of time. Until today. When I thought that I would be too late, I felt like my world had just ended.
This isn’t an excuse for how I treated you. Or the girl. It wasn’t her fault; she was so shaken and frightened. And you my wonderful, heroic Ianto saved her life. She’d be dead if it hadn’t been for your selflessness. The truth is, I’m so used to being the hero that when someone else is, I almost feel threatened, even when that person is you.
You comforted her. Of course you did, because you care. After all the things you’ve seen, you still care. You stop to comfort just one person, you care for their wounds as best you can, and when they reach out for you, you don’t push them away. I wish that I could say the same for myself. You’re a better man than me, because after all the people I’ve saved, I’ve forgotten how to care in the same way as you do.
I can’t explain to you how that kiss made me feel. I know now that it was nothing to do with you, that it was simply her reaching out and wanting to feel comforted. But I didn’t see it then. All I could see was your lips touching hers. She was beautiful and that threatened me too. I’d been so scared of losing you, and then I saw you with her, and it felt like despite it all I had lost you anyway.
Part of me is always worried that I’ll lose you. I know that you say that you don’t care about my immortality, and that you want the forever that I can promise you. But what if you change your mind? What if you meet someone who you learn to love as much or maybe more than you love me? I’m terrified that you’ll leave me Ianto, terrified that you’ll realise that I can’t promise you enough. I worry that you’ll crave the normal life I can’t give you, and seek out that life elsewhere, away from me. I guess that all these underlying fears were just, amplified by that kiss today. It’s the only way I can explain it. Like the constant fear of losing you was suddenly so large that I couldn’t push it aside anymore.
So I lashed out. I said things that I regret more than anything else in my life. If I could retcon those words that I said from my brain I would. I’ve hurt you so much Ianto, made you think that the love I have promised you in these letters was false. I never wanted to do that. Believe me, the love I have for you is the most genuine emotion I’ve ever felt. I never meant to cheapen that, to make you feel like that wasn’t the case. I love you above anything and everything else Ianto. I just hope that somehow, you still love me.
I love you. I can’t say it enough because on paper the words just fall off my pen and arrange themselves onto the paper. I know that it won’t be easy; I know that you won’t want to forgive me. But I had to try Yan, because if I didn’t then I’d feel guiltier than I do now. I’m so sorry Ianto. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you, but it seems that I did that all too easily. I’m sorry, I am so sorry.
Yours forever,
Jack