People's Princess 2.0
A group of Britain's top scientists have announced that they intend to clone Princess Diana. The project is to be funded by an joint appeal to Daily Express and Daily Mail readers.
Lord Robert Winston, who is leading the project, has said, "The purpose of science is to answer unanswered questions, and the greatest unanswered question of our time is 'What would Princess Diana think?'"
"For ten years the public have been speculating on what Princess Diana would have thought about William's relationship and split from that girl whose mum chewed gum at the Queen; about Harry going to Iraq; about Charles' marriage to Camilla; about whether Ricky Gervais and Lily Allen should have played at her tribute concert; the European Constitution; gay marriage; Shilpa Shetty and Nu Rave."
"Now we can scientifically prove what she would have thought about all these matters by simply asking her."
A number of church leaders have objected to the project, claiming that it will only resurrect Diana's body, and not her beautiful, pure soul. The Rt Reverend Graham Dow, Bishop of Carlisle said, "This scheme cannot tell us the true wisdom of Diana. That can only be determined by religious authorities, based on her words and actions on Earth.
"And of course by the righteous wrath of God. The recent flooding is almost certainly a timely reminder from God that we killed Diana ten years ago."
However, Lord Winston has refuted this allegation, as the project will also involve a dark magical ceremony conducted by the elite occult triumvirate of Uri Geller, Russell Grant and Justin Toper, which will combine the new body with Diana's eternal soul.
Richard Dawkins has spoken out against this "absurd combination of superstitious dualism and pseudoscientific claptrap", but Lord Robert Winston countered that Richard Dawkins is going to Hell and smells of wee.
Lord Winston went on to say that Diana would have been invaluable in the recent floods crisis: "Not only would she have visited Sheffield and Doncaster offering hope to the sodden peasants, but she would have sucked up all the flood waters into herself and then gone to Hull to cry them into the sea."
When asked whether the Princess' body would need to be exhumed to extract a sample of her DNA, Lord Winston said that would not be required.
"When Einstein died, they removed his brain to study it because of his vast intelligence. Obviously we did the same with Diana's heart."
Lord Robert Winston, who is leading the project, has said, "The purpose of science is to answer unanswered questions, and the greatest unanswered question of our time is 'What would Princess Diana think?'"
"For ten years the public have been speculating on what Princess Diana would have thought about William's relationship and split from that girl whose mum chewed gum at the Queen; about Harry going to Iraq; about Charles' marriage to Camilla; about whether Ricky Gervais and Lily Allen should have played at her tribute concert; the European Constitution; gay marriage; Shilpa Shetty and Nu Rave."
"Now we can scientifically prove what she would have thought about all these matters by simply asking her."
A number of church leaders have objected to the project, claiming that it will only resurrect Diana's body, and not her beautiful, pure soul. The Rt Reverend Graham Dow, Bishop of Carlisle said, "This scheme cannot tell us the true wisdom of Diana. That can only be determined by religious authorities, based on her words and actions on Earth.
"And of course by the righteous wrath of God. The recent flooding is almost certainly a timely reminder from God that we killed Diana ten years ago."
However, Lord Winston has refuted this allegation, as the project will also involve a dark magical ceremony conducted by the elite occult triumvirate of Uri Geller, Russell Grant and Justin Toper, which will combine the new body with Diana's eternal soul.
Richard Dawkins has spoken out against this "absurd combination of superstitious dualism and pseudoscientific claptrap", but Lord Robert Winston countered that Richard Dawkins is going to Hell and smells of wee.
Lord Winston went on to say that Diana would have been invaluable in the recent floods crisis: "Not only would she have visited Sheffield and Doncaster offering hope to the sodden peasants, but she would have sucked up all the flood waters into herself and then gone to Hull to cry them into the sea."
When asked whether the Princess' body would need to be exhumed to extract a sample of her DNA, Lord Winston said that would not be required.
"When Einstein died, they removed his brain to study it because of his vast intelligence. Obviously we did the same with Diana's heart."