Confessional
I am a nursing failure. My child is 11 days old and it's true, I'm a nursing failure.
When I was pregnant, I read all of those great websites that basically tell you that there is no such thing as low milk supply, only improper nursing. I /devoured/ those websites, determined to prove wrong the "PCOS - Low Milk Supply" conundrum, read everything I could find. I bought a pump. We didn't buy any bottles. We talked about how breast milk was the best thing ever for our baby and we didn't want anything else.
The baby cried quite a bit in the birth center and we were proactive, asking for meetings with the on-staff Lactation Consultant who took a look at our latch and said we were well on our way to a wonderful nursing relationship. But I was nervous. I asked about milk supply, and about what I would do if my milk didn't come in. There there, they said, it will come in. Maybe tomorrow. Probably tomorrow. Pat pat. We went home, without milk.
My child was 4 days old and we realized she hadn't had a wet diaper in at least 12 hours. We had been nursing on demand, though demand was slipping but we didn't know any better. She would cry after feedings and we thought it was gas. But there were no wet diapers and we called the pediatrician. He wanted us in immediately, even though it was 15 minutes before closing time on the 4th of July. She was down 10% of her birth weight and was moderately dehydrated. He said that maybe my milk was late, but that we should consider supplementing with formula. We didn't want formula. He said we could wait one more night to see if my milk came in.
My child was 5 days old and we realized that she hadn't pooped since she passed her last bit of meconium. We went back to the pediatrician and our baby was down 13% on her weight and now was more critically dehydrated. Also more jaundiced than she had been. The pediatrician said we /had/ to supplement with formula, right then and there. He knew how we felt, and he assured us it was likely temporary, that we were in transition and my milk would come. We reluctantly took the formula samples and the syringe-catheter combo and said we would supplement every feeding. No one told us how much. So we would squirt a couple of syringes full at every feeding.
My child was 6 days old and had gained a little weight! Hooray! Her jaundice was not serious enough to require treatment and we thought we were on the right track. She gained weight, we weren't giving too much formula, and it was going to be temporary! She was extra sleepy, and would fall asleep at the breast instantly, but that's okay, it was probably because of the jaundice.
My child was 7 days old and we were going for another weight check. She had not gained weight since Day Six, and was still down 10% from her birth weight. The covering pediatrician read us the riot act and said we needed to push 1-1.5oz of formula after every feeding. I cried in the office about the formula and nursing and he asked me if I wanted a therapist, if I had postpartum depression. I said I wanted someone who cared about my nursing relationship. He reluctantly gave me the numbers of a couple of Lactation Consultants. I called both immediately. One told me I should bottle feed the baby and exclusively pump for supply, and take domperidone. The other told me we should only supplement at the breast, I should pump between feedings, and I should consider fenugreek. I was already taking fenugreek, and we thought supplementing at the breast was more our style, even though it took two people and over an hour. (We were supposed to wake her every 2 hours to feed.)
My child was 8 days old and we had an early morning appointment with another Lactation Consultant. She remarked on our great latch and when I expressed concern about how my baby only sucked for 30 seconds to a minute, she said she was probably just sleepy from jaundice, dehydration, and lack of calories and this would pick up as we got her weight up and we would be off the supplement. It was exactly what we wanted to hear. We said we liked supplementing at the breast but the syringe-catheter combo was really time consuming and irritating to the baby, so she told us to get a Supplemental Nursing System and it would be much better. We agreed that I would go to a local breastfeeding clinic the next day to meet with a specialist there and buy the SNS. We felt good! Our baby was up another couple of ounces, so upping the formula was definitely working.
My child was 9 days old and we took our first outing together, just the two of us, to the local breastfeeding clinic. I was 9 days postpartum and I was out and about every day that we'd been home. My stitches were killing me and my bleeding had increased. But we went. The specialists were nice and said that there was no way I could know that I had a supply issue, since I had such a nice latch and was probably just in transition with a sleepy baby. I bought the SNS and she said that it was a little tricky to use but we would get the hang of it. I was so excited to find something that didn't require two people to work and take over an hour, as Jen was going back to work soon and we weren't getting any sleep.
My child was 10 days old and we had another weight check, this time at the breastfeeding support group run by my pediatrician. I was excited to go because I had so many questions. The SNS was incredibly difficult to operate and I was hoping for tips: it was still taking two of us to work it, the baby HATED it, and it was causing me to get a bad latch on. I went to the support group and was ready to be supported. I was surrounded by moms whose problems were mostly related to OVERsupply. I wanted to cry. My baby was totally asleep for an hour and I couldn't rouse her to get my breastfeeding support. Finally we finger-fed her to wake her up and the LC attempted to help me with the SNS. She couldn't make it easier either. It took both of us a long time and we got a terrible latch. I cried. She told me that what I was doing was very difficult and we were doing a good job. I asked why my baby would only suck for a minute on my breast and she again explained that she was sleepy and needed more weight gain. At weight check, she was up another 3 ounces. I asked to see the pediatrician and he ditched his lunch to talk to me.
What a humbling experience. I told him about our struggles with the SNS and he sympathized. I asked him how much we should be supplementing per feeding, and he asked how much formula we were giving. I said 12-15oz/day. He said that she was probably getting at least that much breastmilk and we were doing such a great job. He was pleased with her weight gain and said that since she wasn't as fragile, maybe we could skip the formula for a couple of feedings a day and try to get her to take in more breastmilk. How exciting!!
In the middle of the night, we tried a bottle out of frustration. The baby didn't want to take it and I felt so good about myself. Of course, then she was so hungry that we had to finger-feed her formula until she calmed down.
My child is 11 days old today. We did a couple of feedings without formula and she listlessly hung at my breasts until she started to cry, rooting everywhere and just being so hungry and frustrated. She is starting to wake to feed instead of us having to wake her all the time, and the sad truth is that the formula is helping her grow in ways that my lack of breastmilk isn't. It's now safe to say that I am not in transition and I am not waiting for my milk to come in. It's in... well, as much as it's going to be. I have started taking domperidone in the hopes of boosting my supply a bit. I am trying to pump after feedings to get added stimulation. I am pumping air and it hurts SO badly. I look at the empty bottles at the ends of the pump and I cry.
My child is 11 days old today and we took her to the mall to shop for bottles. Jen is going to work in a couple of days and we can't supplement on the breast. We just can't. Feedings take as long as she is supposed to go between feedings and we aren't sleeping, we hardly eat, and all I do is cry because she is so hungry and frustrated. We bought our 11 day old baby bottles that we can put her formula in.
We now have bought not only bottles but a can of formula, as we have run out of free samples from the doctor's office. I swore my baby would not have formula and we have now purchased it with our own (lack of) money. I swore that my baby would only be supplemented at the breast until we "got through this transition" but the sad truth is that we're not in transition, we have a desperately low milk supply.
My baby is still currently interested in my breasts and will eagerly seek them out, open wide, and dive in. And suck and swallows hard... for 30 seconds to a minute. She pops off, full of milk face, and it warms my heart. Then she tries again and... it's empty. She comfort nurses softly until she gets a dreamy look and falls off the breast. I try the other side, and that side is /always/ empty. She sucks air and then gets angry. And my wife fills one of our new bottles with i-swore-i-would-never-use formula and feeds our hungry baby, the little milk monster, who drifts into a milk coma soon after in my beautiful wife's arms.
And I cry. Because I am a nursing failure, 11 days in. And the only way I can survive is to force myself not to care that my 11-day-old baby is drinking formula out of a bottle while I pump air out of my damaged boobs.
When I was pregnant, I read all of those great websites that basically tell you that there is no such thing as low milk supply, only improper nursing. I /devoured/ those websites, determined to prove wrong the "PCOS - Low Milk Supply" conundrum, read everything I could find. I bought a pump. We didn't buy any bottles. We talked about how breast milk was the best thing ever for our baby and we didn't want anything else.
The baby cried quite a bit in the birth center and we were proactive, asking for meetings with the on-staff Lactation Consultant who took a look at our latch and said we were well on our way to a wonderful nursing relationship. But I was nervous. I asked about milk supply, and about what I would do if my milk didn't come in. There there, they said, it will come in. Maybe tomorrow. Probably tomorrow. Pat pat. We went home, without milk.
My child was 4 days old and we realized she hadn't had a wet diaper in at least 12 hours. We had been nursing on demand, though demand was slipping but we didn't know any better. She would cry after feedings and we thought it was gas. But there were no wet diapers and we called the pediatrician. He wanted us in immediately, even though it was 15 minutes before closing time on the 4th of July. She was down 10% of her birth weight and was moderately dehydrated. He said that maybe my milk was late, but that we should consider supplementing with formula. We didn't want formula. He said we could wait one more night to see if my milk came in.
My child was 5 days old and we realized that she hadn't pooped since she passed her last bit of meconium. We went back to the pediatrician and our baby was down 13% on her weight and now was more critically dehydrated. Also more jaundiced than she had been. The pediatrician said we /had/ to supplement with formula, right then and there. He knew how we felt, and he assured us it was likely temporary, that we were in transition and my milk would come. We reluctantly took the formula samples and the syringe-catheter combo and said we would supplement every feeding. No one told us how much. So we would squirt a couple of syringes full at every feeding.
My child was 6 days old and had gained a little weight! Hooray! Her jaundice was not serious enough to require treatment and we thought we were on the right track. She gained weight, we weren't giving too much formula, and it was going to be temporary! She was extra sleepy, and would fall asleep at the breast instantly, but that's okay, it was probably because of the jaundice.
My child was 7 days old and we were going for another weight check. She had not gained weight since Day Six, and was still down 10% from her birth weight. The covering pediatrician read us the riot act and said we needed to push 1-1.5oz of formula after every feeding. I cried in the office about the formula and nursing and he asked me if I wanted a therapist, if I had postpartum depression. I said I wanted someone who cared about my nursing relationship. He reluctantly gave me the numbers of a couple of Lactation Consultants. I called both immediately. One told me I should bottle feed the baby and exclusively pump for supply, and take domperidone. The other told me we should only supplement at the breast, I should pump between feedings, and I should consider fenugreek. I was already taking fenugreek, and we thought supplementing at the breast was more our style, even though it took two people and over an hour. (We were supposed to wake her every 2 hours to feed.)
My child was 8 days old and we had an early morning appointment with another Lactation Consultant. She remarked on our great latch and when I expressed concern about how my baby only sucked for 30 seconds to a minute, she said she was probably just sleepy from jaundice, dehydration, and lack of calories and this would pick up as we got her weight up and we would be off the supplement. It was exactly what we wanted to hear. We said we liked supplementing at the breast but the syringe-catheter combo was really time consuming and irritating to the baby, so she told us to get a Supplemental Nursing System and it would be much better. We agreed that I would go to a local breastfeeding clinic the next day to meet with a specialist there and buy the SNS. We felt good! Our baby was up another couple of ounces, so upping the formula was definitely working.
My child was 9 days old and we took our first outing together, just the two of us, to the local breastfeeding clinic. I was 9 days postpartum and I was out and about every day that we'd been home. My stitches were killing me and my bleeding had increased. But we went. The specialists were nice and said that there was no way I could know that I had a supply issue, since I had such a nice latch and was probably just in transition with a sleepy baby. I bought the SNS and she said that it was a little tricky to use but we would get the hang of it. I was so excited to find something that didn't require two people to work and take over an hour, as Jen was going back to work soon and we weren't getting any sleep.
My child was 10 days old and we had another weight check, this time at the breastfeeding support group run by my pediatrician. I was excited to go because I had so many questions. The SNS was incredibly difficult to operate and I was hoping for tips: it was still taking two of us to work it, the baby HATED it, and it was causing me to get a bad latch on. I went to the support group and was ready to be supported. I was surrounded by moms whose problems were mostly related to OVERsupply. I wanted to cry. My baby was totally asleep for an hour and I couldn't rouse her to get my breastfeeding support. Finally we finger-fed her to wake her up and the LC attempted to help me with the SNS. She couldn't make it easier either. It took both of us a long time and we got a terrible latch. I cried. She told me that what I was doing was very difficult and we were doing a good job. I asked why my baby would only suck for a minute on my breast and she again explained that she was sleepy and needed more weight gain. At weight check, she was up another 3 ounces. I asked to see the pediatrician and he ditched his lunch to talk to me.
What a humbling experience. I told him about our struggles with the SNS and he sympathized. I asked him how much we should be supplementing per feeding, and he asked how much formula we were giving. I said 12-15oz/day. He said that she was probably getting at least that much breastmilk and we were doing such a great job. He was pleased with her weight gain and said that since she wasn't as fragile, maybe we could skip the formula for a couple of feedings a day and try to get her to take in more breastmilk. How exciting!!
In the middle of the night, we tried a bottle out of frustration. The baby didn't want to take it and I felt so good about myself. Of course, then she was so hungry that we had to finger-feed her formula until she calmed down.
My child is 11 days old today. We did a couple of feedings without formula and she listlessly hung at my breasts until she started to cry, rooting everywhere and just being so hungry and frustrated. She is starting to wake to feed instead of us having to wake her all the time, and the sad truth is that the formula is helping her grow in ways that my lack of breastmilk isn't. It's now safe to say that I am not in transition and I am not waiting for my milk to come in. It's in... well, as much as it's going to be. I have started taking domperidone in the hopes of boosting my supply a bit. I am trying to pump after feedings to get added stimulation. I am pumping air and it hurts SO badly. I look at the empty bottles at the ends of the pump and I cry.
My child is 11 days old today and we took her to the mall to shop for bottles. Jen is going to work in a couple of days and we can't supplement on the breast. We just can't. Feedings take as long as she is supposed to go between feedings and we aren't sleeping, we hardly eat, and all I do is cry because she is so hungry and frustrated. We bought our 11 day old baby bottles that we can put her formula in.
We now have bought not only bottles but a can of formula, as we have run out of free samples from the doctor's office. I swore my baby would not have formula and we have now purchased it with our own (lack of) money. I swore that my baby would only be supplemented at the breast until we "got through this transition" but the sad truth is that we're not in transition, we have a desperately low milk supply.
My baby is still currently interested in my breasts and will eagerly seek them out, open wide, and dive in. And suck and swallows hard... for 30 seconds to a minute. She pops off, full of milk face, and it warms my heart. Then she tries again and... it's empty. She comfort nurses softly until she gets a dreamy look and falls off the breast. I try the other side, and that side is /always/ empty. She sucks air and then gets angry. And my wife fills one of our new bottles with i-swore-i-would-never-use formula and feeds our hungry baby, the little milk monster, who drifts into a milk coma soon after in my beautiful wife's arms.
And I cry. Because I am a nursing failure, 11 days in. And the only way I can survive is to force myself not to care that my 11-day-old baby is drinking formula out of a bottle while I pump air out of my damaged boobs.