Transcript: 2x14 Dis-Lodged
Wow, only a month! There will be a delay before starting the next due to Doctor Who and Thanksgiving.
Highlights for Children. They always hide the apple in the bike.'>
1987
INT. SPENCER HOUSE, KITCHEN, DAY
HENRY enters the house through the kitchen. He is still in uniform and stops on the stairs when he hears SHAWN and GUS chanting from the other room. He goes into the living room.
INT. SPENCER HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, DAY
SHAWN and GUS have made a makeshift tent and HENRY can see their shadows cast on the sheet. HENRY tosses his bag to the floor and walks over to the tent and throws the sheet up to reveal the boys. They each have a towel tied around their necks like a cape. They have a camp stove between them, its flames flickering.
HENRY:
Hey. What the hell is going on here?
SHAWN:
Uh, nothing.
GUS:
Yeah.
HENRY:
Oh. My mistake. Sorry, guys.
SHAWN:
That's okay. See you later, Dad.
HENRY walks away before turning back and sitting cross-legged on the floor by the boys.
HENRY:
Okay, Shawn...out with it. (turns off the camp stove)
GUS:
We're starting a secret club.
HENRY:
The Burn Down the House Club?
GUS:
The Gus and Shawn club.
SHAWN:
It's actually the Shawn and Gus club.
HENRY:
You know, a club needs regulations, by-laws. You guys got any rules?
GUS:
Yes, no girls.
SHAWN:
And everybody has to be under 12. No old guys.
GUS:
And they have to have a love of correct grammar.
SHAWN:
That's not a rule!
GUS:
You said we could have one special rule. That's mine.
SHAWN:
And that's the best rule you could think of?
GUS:
I think you mean that's the best rule of which you could think.
SHAWN:
I'm not being in a club with this. (gets up and leaves)
GUS:
Fine, I don't need you and your misplaced prepositions. (looks at HENRY) Wanna be in a club?
PRESENT DAY
EXT. RESTAURANT, DAY
SHAWN and GUS are sitting at a table outside facing the street and the water beyond that.
SHAWN:
Dude, I feel like the weight of the world is off my shoulders. One phone call, and my mountain man trip with my dad is off.
GUS:
Why'd he back out?
SHAWN:
He was sick. He sounded horrible. He was lurching, he was coughing. He even sounded pale.
GUS:
How do you sound pale?
SHAWN:
I don't know. Maybe he didn't sound pale, but he definitely sounded feverish.
They hear a radio blaring “Bad, Bad Leroy Brown” and HENRY stops his truck in front of the restaurant. HENRY doesn’t realize SHAWN and GUS are there as he taps his fingers to the music and rocks in his seat. GUS laughs and SHAWN looks at him. HENRY drives away. SHAWN stands and watches him go.
GUS:
Maybe he's driving himself to the hospital.
The waitress brings their food and leaves.
GUS:
Thank you.
SHAWN:
You know what this means?
GUS:
What?
SHAWN:
We gotta go.
GUS:
What?
SHAWN:
There's no time to discuss. (starts to walk away) Oh, Gus. Uh, pay. (runs off)
GUS:
Shawn! (sighs in frustration and reaches for wallet)
EXT. STREET, DAY
SHAWN and GUS watch from the Echo as HENRY pulls up in front of a large mock-Tudor building. GUS has managed to bring along his sandwich and dipping sauce.
GUS:
I still don't see why you're so uptight. 30 seconds ago you were thrilled your dad bailed on you.
SHAWN:
That's when I thought he was dying. (turns off car, releases seatbelt and turns to watch HENRY)
HENRY gets out and talks with the security guard.
GUS:
Dude. Do you realize where we are right now? That's the Monarch Lodge.
HENRY does the secret handshake with the guard before entering.
GUS:
Your dad's a member? Are you kidding me?
SHAWN:
We're going in. (gets out of the car)
GUS:
Shawn!
SHAWN walks around past GUS’ window.
GUS:
You can't just walk into the Monarch Lodge. They're a clandestine society.
SHAWN says nothing, just points at GUS before walking away.
GUS:
They have a secret handshake.
EXT. LODGE, DAY
SHAWN does the secret handshake with the guard, naming the moves as he does them.
SHAWN:
Fold it, fold it, skim it, crouching tiger, zookeeper's boy, hairdresser on fire, girlfriend in a coma and then slap it on a biscuit.
GUS throws away the remains of his sandwich and wrapper. He goes to follow SHAWN and the guard reaches out his hand as GUS passes.
SHAWN:
You might not want to do that. Dr. Guster just inseminated an Appaloosa. All the way up to the elbow.
GUS:
No time to wash up. Thank you. (hands guard the dip dish)
SHAWN:
You're a good man.
SHAWN and GUS enter the lodge.
INT. MONARCH LODGE, HALL, DAY
The dark wood-paneled walls are lined with portraits of past members of the Lodge. SHAWN is looking at President Harry Truman.
GUS:
I've always wanted to see the inside of this place. (looks at an older portrait of a man with a handlebar mustache) Oscar Landon Clark. He started the Santa Barbara Mirror.
SHAWN:
(looks at the portrait of a balding man) Dude, Moby's a Monarch!
GUS:
That's not Moby, Shawn. (sees a portrait of an older man with round eyeglass frames) Martin A Turner, the city's first Postmaster. Can you believe this?
SHAWN:
I'm pretty sure that's Chuck from The Wonder Years.
SHAWN and GUS continue to look at the portraits until one stuns them.
GUS:
Dude!
SHAWN:
Oh, my God. That is really disturbing.
The portrait is of a younger HENRY looking rather creepy.
HENRY:
(muffled from another room) Jeez, what are you doing? Come on, Ted. Dragging me all the way over here for this?
They follow the sound of HENRY’S voice.
INT. MONARCH LODGE, MAIN ROOM, DAY
SHAWN:
(strides in) Dad, you owe me an explanation…
SHAWN notices room filled with men in hooded robes. They walk towards HENRY who stands out in one of his loud shirts. He then looks down on the floor at a dead body. SHAWN sees a powdery residue around the man’s mouth and nose.
SHAWN:
(looks at HENRY) What the hell are you into?
**********************************************************************
PSYCH
“Dis-Lodged”
By
Tim Meltreger
STARRING:
James Roday
Dulé Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
Kirsten Nelson
And
Corbin Bernsen
DIRECTOR
Mel Damski
**********************************************************************
INT. MONARCH LODGE, MAIN ROOM, DAY
HENRY walks over to one of the members, the one who called him in, TED.
HENRY:
You need to call the police.
TED:
We did. A policeman and a brother.
HENRY:
Ted, I'm retired. From both. S.B.P.D. (takes out phone) Here, I'll dial for you. Let's go. (takes him out of the room)
SHAWN:
This is unbelievable.
GUS:
Practically every doctor in the city is a member here. Do you realize what this means?
SHAWN:
Yes, it means my dad, Mr. Integrity, is nothing more than a lying liar from Liarsburg.
GUS:
(taps SHAWN on the arm and points to one of the men) That's Dr. Downs. He has a huge practice on the mesa, and he just dumped his rep. I've been trying to get in there for years. I'll be right back. (makes to head over)
SHAWN:
(stops GUS) Don't step on the corpse head.
GUS skirts around the body. HENRY re-enters the room and hits SHAWN on the arm.
HENRY:
How'd you get in here?
SHAWN:
I think I should ask you the same thing, sick faker! Let me feel your forehead. (reaches out a hand)
HENRY:
(ducks out of the way) What are you doing, following me around? I don't have time for this, Shawn. Take a look, there's a dead body in the room.
SHAWN:
Yes, Mr Arthur Holmstrom. He was murdered.
EXT. STREET, DAY
LASSITER is parked and JULIET enters the car with coffee for the two of them.
INT. LASSITER'S CAR, DAY
JULIET hands LASSITER his coffee.
JULIET:
Three creams, four sugars.
LASSITER:
Thank you.
JULIET:
And here's this. (hands LASSITER his money)
LASSITER:
What's this?
JULIET:
Yours didn't cost anything.
LASSITER:
Dropped my name?
JULIET:
No, Koffee Klub. (holds up card) Buy 15 coffees, you get one free. You should get one. (hands card to LASSITER)
LASSITER:
(looks at card dubiously) Gee, I don't know. I mean, what am I gonna do with all that extra cash? Let me give you a little lesson, O'Hara…
DISPATCHER:
We have 1144. Deceased male, 1385 Granada Place.
LASSITER:
(into radio) Detectives Lassiter and O'Hara en route. (throws coffee cup out window)
JULIET:
You know that's littering.
LASSITER speeds away.
INT. MONARCH LODGE, MAIN ROOM, DAY
HENRY:
Back up, what do you mean "murdered"?
SHAWN:
Maybe poisoned. I'm not sure yet.
HENRY:
Shawn, this is not the place for one of your reckless assumptions.
SHAWN:
Dad, take a look around. These guys hardly seem broken up by this.
They look around at the members, some of whom are talking business with GUS.
HENRY:
I've known Arthur Holmstrom since the day he joined this Lodge. He was not the most likable guy.
SHAWN:
Fine. Whatever. I have more important issues to deal with. I want the truth. What really happened to my cat, Chairman Meow?
HENRY:
You want answers?
SHAWN:
I want the truth.
HENRY:
You can't handle the truth!
SHAWN and HENRY look at each other because of the line and delivery.
HENRY:
You drive me a little crazy, Shawn. The idea of spending an entire weekend with you…
SHAWN:
I drive you crazy?
HENRY:
Yeah. And your cat got a little too familiar with the armrest of my sofa. There.
TED comes over.
TED:
Henry, I am really sorry for pulling you in on such short notice. It's just we were all really nervous about this. I mean, what if we did something wrong? He had that hood on for 20 minutes. What if he suffocated?
HENRY:
Ted, calm down. It's a cloth hood. You've performed this ceremony, what, a dozen times?
TED:
I know, I know. It's just that we want to make sure it's handled right.
HENRY:
You talked to the police, right?
TED:
Yes, yes. Thank you, thank you. (gives HENRY his phone) Say, is this your son? You know how we love a legacy around here.
HENRY:
No, no, no. No, yes, he is my son, technically, but I…
SHAWN:
(raises a hand to his head) Ted, I'm getting…
HENRY grabs SHAWN by the arm and pulls him away from TED.
HENRY:
No, no, you don't. Not here, Shawn. This is not the time for your shenanigans.
SHAWN:
It was a single shenanigan. Technically more of a hijink, pet killer!
HENRY:
I'm not a pet killer, Shawn. Chairman Meow is living very happily in a retirement home in Ojai. And I don't want to burst your bubble, but Chairman Meow is Chairwoman Meow. (walks away)
The coroner’s team arrives and begins to take photos of the body. LASSITER and JULIET arrive with uniforms to help question the members. LASSITER looks around the room in awe, a smile of appreciation on his face. He sees SHAWN.
LASSITER:
Spencer. (does double-take and walks over) No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. What the hell are you doing here?
SHAWN:
Lassie, as it happens, my father is a member here. (motions to HENRY talking with a uniform)
LASSITER:
That's impossible. Benevolent Lodge Rule AB-4567 bars any law enforcement member from being a member.
SHAWN shrugs and shakes his head. An older member of the Lodge walks over.
MAN:
Yeah, and that rule is bogus. We made that up to keep out undesirables.
JULIET:
"Undesirables"?
MAN:
People who aren't Lodge material. (looks at LASSITER) Or anyone who's been married to my daughter.
SHAWN makes an “oh” face.
JULIET:
And you are?
LASSITER:
This is Irving Parker. He's my father-in-law.
SHAWN:
Excuse me. (leaves)
PARKER:
Soon-to-be-former-father-in-law.
LASSITER:
Not so fast. Victoria and I have had several civil conversations lately.
PARKER:
Give it up, Carlton! It was a lost cause two years ago, and it's a lost cause now. Get over it. She has. Move on! I think we'll all be better off for it.
PARKER smiles at JULIET and she forces one in return.
JULIET:
Can I talk to you for a second? (pulls LASSITER aside) Are you sure you want to be on this case? You have a personal involvement here.
LASSITER:
That's right, O'Hara, this is personal. And if it does turn out to be something, that's exactly why I need to be on it.
JULIET:
But these people have something against you.
LASSITER:
They won't anymore after I solve it.
JULIET:
Carlton.
LASSITER:
Look. You don't understand, O'Hara. I need to be the hero. I need to solve this case quickly and look brilliant in the process. And you need to help me do that. Please.
GUS:
It's been a pleasure talking with you, Dr. Downs.
DOWNS:
Well, you make quite an impression, Mr. Guster. And under the circumstances, that's saying something.
GUS:
Well, thank you very much. And once again, I want to express my sincere condolences.
DOWNS:
Perhaps you could give my office a call, and we could set aside some time.
GUS:
How about Monday?
DOWNS:
Terrific.
GUS and DOWNS shake hands.
GUS:
Great.
SHAWN walks towards GUS and DOWNS and smiles when he sees GUS closing the deal. He then notices the portraits of the high-ranking members and sees Holmstrom was not the next in line for promotion, IRVING was. HENRY joins him.
HENRY:
We're done here. Gus?
GUS:
Thanks. (waves goodbye to the doctors)
INT. MONARCH LODGE, HALL, DAY
SHAWN:
And another thing, Dad. Just when, exactly, were you a member here?
HENRY:
It was a long time ago, Shawn. I'm not a part of this place anymore. And whether or not this was murder, you are hereby ordered to steer clear.
GUS looks behind HENRY and jabs SHAWN. SHAWN looks and nods. HENRY continues, not realizing he has stopped in front of his own portrait.
HENRY:
These guys are not to be messed with. I cannot possibly be more serious about this.
HENRY sees his portrait and rubs his now-bald head in frustration. SHAWN fails to hide a smile as his father walks away.
INT. PSYCH, NIGHT
GUS is sitting at his desk talking with DOWNS on the phone. SHAWN is sitting at his desk using his laptop.
GUS:
(chuckles) Tuesday at 11:00 is perfect. I'll be there with bells on. Okay. (ends call)
SHAWN:
Dude, who says that?
GUS:
Closers. Closers say that.
SHAWN:
Well, if by closers you mean middle-aged women, then, yes, I do believe I've heard the phrase. Are you forgetting that we many have stumbled up on a murder today? A murder that you're taking entirely too unseriously? The man's name was Arthur Holmstrom, and he died during the Sacred Star Ceremony. Get over here, look at this.
GUS comes over and looks at the video on the screen.
SHAWN:
It's weird.
GUS:
Weird? Those guys look downright evil. White men in hoods?
SHAWN:
Dude, they're violet.
GUS:
That's how it starts, Shawn.
SHAWN looks up and sees a shadow move across the window blinds.
SHAWN:
Do you see that?
GUS sees the shadow.
GUS:
Holy crap, Shawn. Your dad was right. It's one of those scary Lodge guys.
The shadow moves to the next window. SHAWN and GUS move away from the desk and hide behind the sofa.
GUS:
They're here for us. They know you think they killed that guy.
They move to the front office and SHAWN grabs a lamp as GUS picks up a statuette. SHAWN opens the door to reveal LASSITER.
SHAWN:
Lassie. What are you doing here?
LASSITER:
(enters the office) I think you know why I'm here.
GUS closes the door behind LASSITER.
SHAWN:
Hopefully you're here to help. Gus and I were about to do some scrapbooking. We'll need someone who can work the scalloped scissors.
They walk into the main office and LASSITER follows.
LASSITER:
Spencer, I get why you have to act like an ass at my station, but do you have to act like this in your own office?
SHAWN:
It enhances my perception. How else would I know that you came here because you think Arthur Holmstrom was murdered?
LASSITER:
Yeah. No one's talking down at the Lodge. I was just driving by the office and saw the lights on.
SHAWN:
You want to hire us.
LASSITER sighs and tries to come up with an excuse.
SHAWN:
Oh, come on, Lassie, it's not that tough. Let it go.
GUS:
Yes, come on.
SHAWN:
Look around. You're in a safe place. Surrounded by men who love you.
GUS:
Mmm-hmm.
SHAWN:
Gus?
GUS:
Lassiter, I love you.
SHAWN and GUS each pat LASSITER on the arm before they head back to their desks.
LASSITER:
Look. You have a connection in there. So I need you to feel around and see what you can find out.
GUS:
The department's hiring us?
LASSITER:
Not the department, me. And I can't pay you.
GUS:
Well, that sounds worthwhile.
LASSITER:
I guess this would technically be called a... favor. Maybe I could pay your expenses.
SHAWN:
(slaps desk) Done! 15 grand a day, and when we're finished, we all go for a picnic.
LASSITER:
This is a discreet investigation.
SHAWN:
I'd like to show you something. (holds out hand, palm down) See this? It's the Lodge radar. And look at this. (moves his other hand below) It's me flying underneath it. (squawks) Now look down here. It's Gus. He can't fly. (uses first hand on desk)
LASSITER:
It is imperative that you keep a low profile.
INT. MONARCH LODGE, MAIN ROOM, DAY
The members are gathered around a man in the center of the room.
MAN:
Place the robe on our new brother.
The new brother turns around and it’s SHAWN. One of the brothers fastens the clasp and the others applaud. SHAWN shakes hands with a few as others pat him on the back.
SHAWN:
That's it, huh?
MAN:
Yes.
SHAWN:
I'm official? No brimstone? I don't have to crab walk or get tickled with a feather? Come on. Somebody, tickle me with a feather. You.
MAN:
Gentlemen, to the bar.
MAN 2:
Yes.
SHAWN:
Save me a shot.
The members leave the room. GUS peers in through another door and SHAWN nods for him to come in.
GUS:
Don't you think it's odd that it's just business as usual when someone died here the other day?
SHAWN:
Definitely. It appears as though he's been all but forgotten. Look. Holmstrom's already been moved. Those paintings are in order of rank. Once the Highmost Patriarch moves on, he's replaced by the next guy in line.
GUS:
That's Irving Parker.
SHAWN:
Right. Holmstrom was fifth in line. Somehow he leap-frogged three other guys, including Parker and two of your doctor buddies.
They look around the room and notice plaques on the shelves.
SHAWN:
25 Gs for "Komputers for Kids"? 30 Gs for "Toys for Kids." 15 grand for "Clothing for Kids"?
GUS:
These guys are ultra-philanthropists. They're the most charitable organization in the city. Why would they commit murder?
SHAWN:
Well, maybe it was for the kids.
They move over to a display case holding an ornate hood.
SHAWN:
Oh! "The shroud of Charlemagne”. Dude, Holmstrom was wearing this hood the day he died. Check it out, it's 100 years old. Like a lot of the guys around this place. (holds up fist for a bump but an old man is standing there) Sorry.
MAN:
What?
SHAWN:
Nothing.
SHAWN looks around for GUS and sees him with the other members chatting in the bar. He joins them.
INT. MONARCH LODGE, BAR, DAY
GUS:
Oh, Shawn. You know my newest clients, Dr. Masood Nigam, and Dr. Roger Downs.
SHAWN:
Yes, yes, I do. Congratulations on your clientship. (gives shortened version of handshake) Oh, just… You're in good hands with Gus. Nimble, agile hands. Surgeon's hands, really. He once removed a boil from his own thigh using a paper clip and a warm can of Sprite.
The doctors stare at them and GUS can’t believe SHAWN said that.
EXT. LODGE, DAY
SHAWN and GUS walk out the front door.
SHAWN:
Dude, when did you have time to make all these sales? We were in there for an hour.
GUS:
An hour is all you need, Shawn, when you've got sales reptitude.
GUS looks around and sees another member leaving the Lodge. He taps SHAWN on the arm and walks over to the man.
GUS:
Dr. McOrmley, can I talk to you for a second?
McORMLEY:
What can I do for you?
SHAWN’S cell phone rings. He looks at the ID before answering.
SHAWN:
You're calling me a day after our first date? You really are out of practice.
CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH -
- CUT TO:
INT. LASSITER’S CAR, DAY
LASSITER is sitting at the wheel, phone to his ear.
LASSITER:
So what'd you find out?
SHAWN:
Well, it appears our victim made top dog with very little effort. One day he was fifth in line for the job, the next day he was Highmost Patriarch. Oh, and the next day he was dead.
LASSITER:
Does anyone suspect you?
SHAWN:
(chuckles) No. Members are beyond suspicion.
LASSITER:
Member? Oh, Sweet Justice! They made you a member?
SHAWN:
Now, don't get all mad, Lassie. There was a 15-minute waiting period. I finally learned the lyrics to Informer while they convened and agreed on me.
A motorcycle drives by SHAWN and only moments later he hears it over the phone. SHAWN follows the sound.
GUS:
Let me give you my card, Dr. McOrmley, 'cause you do not want to miss out on this baby. (hands the doctor his card)
SHAWN stops at a berm overlooking the road.
SHAWN:
Are you staking me out?
LASSITER:
No. (looks through binoculars)
SHAWN:
Yes, you are.
LASSITER:
No, I'm not.
SHAWN runs down to the road and behind LASSITER’S car.
SHAWN:
I can sense you're right around the corner.
LASSITER puts down the binoculars, ends the call and reaches for the keys in the ignition.
SHAWN:
(leans through passenger window) Whoa, you're breaking up. Can you call me back, Lassie? (closes phone)
LASSITER’S phone rings as SHAWN gets into the car.
LASSITER:
I don't have time for this. I've got another call. (answers phone) O'Hara, finally.
CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH -
- CUT TO:
INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY
JULIET is at her desk.
JULIET:
Where are you?
LASSITER:
I'm at lunch.
JULIET:
Ooh! Get me a turkey and avocado. (sits)
SHAWN:
Let me talk to her.
LASSITER:
Hands off! (slaps SHAWN’S hands away)
JULIET:
Is someone there with you?
SHAWN:
Hi, Jules.
LASSITER:
Spencer.
JULIET:
You're having lunch with Shawn?
LASSITER:
Maybe.
JULIET:
Is something going on?
LASSITER:
Look, do you have the toxicology reports on Holmstrom or not?
JULIET:
Yeah, but they're inconclusive. Well, actually, they're just strange.
LASSITER:
Strange how?
SHAWN:
Oh, come on!
SHAWN grabs LASSITER hand and put the phone on speaker. LASSITER sets it on the dashboard.
JULIET:
Well, it doesn't look like natural causes, and his blood had trace elements of... I don't even want to say.
LASSITER:
Come on, O'Hara.
JULIET:
Well, it had what looks like the toxin similar to the venom of a Brazilian vine snake.
LASSITER:
You've gotta be kidding me.
SHAWN:
He got bit by a snake?
LASSITER:
Shhh!
JULIET:
Am I on speaker phone?
SHAWN:
No.
JULIET:
Well, then, how did he hear…
SHAWN:
Jules, how about you just tell us, hunh?
JULIET:
He didn't have a mark on him. There weren't any puncture wounds. The only thing he had was a little skin irritation on his face.
LASSITER:
Obviously these results are inconclusive, so run the tests again because we need results that aren't ridiculous.
SHAWN:
I don't know, Lassie, I kind a like this snake idea.
JULIET:
Why are you sharing information with Shawn on a case we haven't hired him for?
LASSITER:
(picks up phone and taps it) You know what, O'Hara? You’re breaking up. I’ll call you back. (imitates static before ending call)
SHAWN:
Nice.
INT. PSYCH, DAY
SHAWN and GUS are at their desks eating Chinese when HENRY storms in.
HENRY:
You joined the Lodge?
SHAWN:
What can I do, Dad? I'm a legacy. It's in our blood.
HENRY:
Damn it, Shawn, I'm not kidding. You've got to reconsider this. You get a lot of powerful people into one room, and dangerous things happen. Would you please let the police just do their job?
SHAWN:
I am working for the police.
GUS:
Sort of.
SHAWN:
It's a discreet investigation.
HENRY:
Yeah. Discreet. That's one of your talents.
SHAWN:
I'm working on a theory. Arthur Holmstrom was poisoned with snake venom.
HENRY:
Snake venom?
GUS:
The Brazilian Vine Snake. Specific to remote river basins in Northern Brazil. About two to three feet in length.
HENRY:
So someone snuck a three-foot snake in to the Lodge and killed him during the ceremony? The perfect crime.
SHAWN:
Right. Except there were no marks left on the body.
HENRY:
Oh! So we're looking for an invisible snake. You know, Shawn, that's it. Right--right there. That is your problem. Maybe you'd be better off looking for something that you can see. (looks at a chart of the Lodge hierarchy) There is a pecking order, right in front of your eyes. (uses soda to make a straw crawl to the Highmost Patriarch)
SHAWN:
Oh, Dad! You're gonna ruin my diagram!
HENRY:
Yep, who's at the top? Who's the next guy in line?
SHAWN:
I know where the top is, you could have just pointed. Now there's Coke all over everything.
HENRY:
Forget it. Just grow up. (walks out)
SHAWN:
Me grow up? A grown man makes a crawly snake.
EXT. PARKER EXPORTS, DAY
SHAWN and GUS sit in the Echo across the street from the business.
SHAWN:
This is Parker's place.
GUS:
I can see the sign, Shawn.
SHAWN:
Well, I bet they're very busy inside. Might I suggest coming back this evening and breaking in?
GUS:
Good idea. Let me see what I'm doing for the next three to five years, with time off for good behavior. We're here now. I can get us in. (unfastens seatbelt and gets out of the car)
SHAWN:
Whoa! (gets out of the car) All of a sudden you can just "get us in"?
GUS:
Shawn, I'm totally in a sales zone this week. You leave this secret handshake to me. (rubs his thumb against the side of his nose)
INT. PARKER EXPORTS, RECEPTION, DAY
The RECEPTIONIST checks the appointments. SHAWN is looking at the items on her desk.
RECEPTIONIST:
I'm not showing an appointment, Mr...
GUS:
Guster. Burton Guster. And this is my associate William Zane. I'm an old friend, and I'm just paying Mr. Parker a birthday visit.
RECEPTIONIST:
It's not his birthday.
GUS:
I know, it's mine. We're here on Lodge business.
SHAWN:
That's a three right there.
As the RECEPTIONIST looks down to fill in the Soduku puzzle, GUS jabs SHAWN in the arm.
SHAWN:
What?
RECEPTIONIST:
Nothing better to do on your birthday?
GUS:
Well, it's my 29th, not one of the important ones. You'll understand when you get to be my age.
RECEPTIONIST:
Mmmm! (giggles)
GUS:
I'll only be a minute. (heads for the door)
RECEPTIONIST:
I'll just let him know that you're here. (reaches for phone)
GUS:
No, no need, Doris. (walks back to desk) It's my birthday. Surprise! (taps SHAWN on the back as he heads for the door)
SHAWN:
You still need a seven right there.
GUS:
Billy?
SHAWN goes with GUS.
INT. PARKER EXPORTS, WAREHOUSE, DAY
SHAWN and GUS enter the large warehouse.
SHAWN:
It's your birthday? That's your sales reptitude?
GUS:
It comes in all flavors, Shawn.
SHAWN:
Is “suck” a flavor? (gasps when he sees a lidded urn) Dude! The world's very first crock-pot.
PARKER rides up on a forklift and SHAWN smiles and waves.
PARKER:
What the hell are you guys doing here?
SHAWN:
Mr. Parker! It's me, Shawn Spencer. I'm the newest Monarch, remember?
PARKER stops the forklift and gets off the vehicle.
PARKER:
Yeah, I remember. So what the hell are you guys doing wandering around my warehouse?
SHAWN:
This is my very good friend Gus. He's looking to join the Monarch Lodge too. I thought maybe you could make that happen. You know, haze him a little bit. Soak his hand in warm water while he's sleeping, that sort of thing. Do you have any sheep here? (looks around)
PARKER:
This is not the Lodge. This is my place of business. And the fact that you slid into membership on the coat tails of your turncoat dad, that doesn't guarantee any favors from me. Now I'm through talking to you nicely. I want you to turn around and get the hell out of here. Right now!
As PARKER talks, SHAWN looks around and notices the airport codes on the box shipping labels. SHAWN and GUS turn around and head for the exit.
SHAWN:
I'm surprised he didn't say "Good day”.
PARKER:
What's that?
SHAWN:
I said good day!
GUS grabs SHAWN by the arm and pulls him from the room as PARKER watches them leave.
EXT. PARKER EXPORTS, ENTRANCE, DAY
SHAWN and GUS walk out of the building.
SHAWN:
Dude, did you see those shipping crates? CCI, AIF, XAP. Those are airport codes, all Brazilian.
GUS:
Brazilian airport codes? How do you know that?
SHAWN:
I lived in an airport for a month, Gus.
GUS:
That was Tom Hanks in The Terminal.
SHAWN:
Same difference. We need to talk to Lassiter.
GUS:
No, you need to talk to Lassiter. I'll drop you off.
SHAWN:
Where are you going?
GUS:
I have appointments with four new clients. And product doesn't sell itself.
SHAWN:
Man!
INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY
SHAWN walks into the station and sees LASSITER in the hall.
SHAWN:
Lassie?
LASSITER:
Anything?
SHAWN:
(walks over to LASSITER) Well, I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is we found a pretty solid suspect on the Holmstrom murder.
LASSITER:
Finally. Well, who is it? Let's go get him.
SHAWN:
That's the bad news.
JULIET brings PARKER into the station.
PARKER:
That is ridiculous! Who's in charge here, huh? I'll tell you this, I better be home for dinner! Heads are gonna roll, that's all I got to say! Heads are gonna roll!
LASSITER watches, mouth agape.
LASSITER:
Oh, no. (puts hand on column) Do not go down that road.
SHAWN:
Look, I'm not happy about this either, Lassie. Now that I've joined the Lodge, that makes your father-in-law my brother. Which makes me your uncle, in-law. It's gonna get especially awkward around the holidays.
LASSITER:
Spencer, you can't seriously suspect Parker.
SHAWN:
Unfortunately, it sort of checks out. If it was venom that killed Holmstrom, it came from a snake that only slithers in a region where Parker does half his business.
LASSITER leans back against the column as JULIET joins them.
JULIET:
He's in Room A. Who's going to question him?
LASSITER:
I will.
JULIET:
Carlton, do you really think this is a good idea? You're related. It's against department policy. You could wind up…
LASSITER:
O'Hara, quiet. I'm gonna handle it. Don't you dare tell the Chief. I can't believe this is happening.
The phone on LASSITER’S desk rings and JULIET answers it.
JULIET:
Lassiter's desk. (holds receiver to her shoulder) It's your wife. I mean your ex-wife.
LASSITER:
(takes phone) Hey! Yeah, well, it seems that Irving is kind of a… Well, he's a murder suspect. Yes. No, this is not because I want the barbecue. I already gave you the golf clubs.
SHAWN and JULIET walk away giving LASSITER some privacy.
SHAWN:
So how'd he go?
JULIET:
Not quietly.
SHAWN:
(nods to LASSITER) You ever meet his wife?
JULIET:
No, and if she's anything like her dad, I don't want to.
LASSITER:
Okay. (hangs up phone and walks over)
SHAWN:
(whispers) Seems scared.
LASSITER:
O'Hara, please go down to the room. I'll be down in a minute.
JULIET leaves.
LASSITER:
(walks with SHAWN down the hall, hand on his shoulder) Spencer, I want you to listen to me, and listen closely. I know Irving Parker very well, and he wouldn't kill anyone. Sure, he might hobble their spirit and crush their soul and dance in the flaming ashes of their broken marriage, which he had a part in ending, but he wouldn't kill anyone.
They stop at the top of the stairs.
SHAWN:
Look, he's the only suspect we have. He tried to hate me to death. I know it's circumstantial, but in a pretty bad way.
LASSITER:
I know, and I'm going to go treat him just as I would any other suspect. But I think Holmstrom's murderer is still out there. Just... just workshop it. Do whatever it is you do, because at the end of the day, it absolutely cannot be him. (continues on)
SHAWN:
"Workshop it"?
INT. SBPD, OBSERVATION ROOM, DAY
LASSITER walks in and watches through the mirror as PARKER talks with JULIET. PARKER suddenly stops and looks straight at LASSITER even though he can’t see him. LASSITER swallows. He then gathers himself and heads for the door.
INT. PSYCH, DAY
SHAWN is at his clear board looking at the “did its” and “not did its” for PARKER being the suspect. He counts the “did its”.
SHAWN:
…four, five, six, seven, eight…
He moves over to the “not did its” which is a blank column. He caps his pen.
SHAWN:
I don't know if reverse engineering the case was such a good idea. "Did its" won 12-zip.
GUS:
But Lassiter said he was sure that Parker's not our guy.
SHAWN:
Well, the board seems to disagree vehemently.
GUS:
Fine, then let's move away from him, and check out the other Lodge members. What do we know about Holmstrom?
SHAWN:
Holmstrom! We know he's dead. That's a good start.
GUS:
I'm serious, Shawn. I was in that lodge making contacts.
SHAWN:
I know. You have sales reptitude. Now can we please retire that expression? Throw it a party, put it on Medicare, it's just not working anymore.
GUS:
No, Shawn, what I'm saying is those other Lodge members were hardly overwhelmed with grief. Even as Holmstrom lay on the floor, I was shamelessly moving my product, and no one seemed to think anything of it. I'd say Holmstrom had some enemies.
SHAWN:
Well, we gotta figure out who they are.
GUS:
And how do we do that?
SHAWN:
(checks watch) Ooh! There's something much more important we have to do first.
SHAWN heads for the door and GUS follows.
INT. MONARCH LODGE, ART STUDIO, DAY
SHAWN is sitting on a stool in a suit jacket, dress shirt and tie as he has his portrait painted.
SHAWN:
Tobias, I've heard the canvas adds ten pounds. Is that accurate? Maybe you could paint some angry tigers or a puma laying prostrate at my feet.
TOBIAS:
This is a portrait of your head.
GUS:
I thought we were here to find something about Holmstrom.
SHAWN:
We are. This is for posterity. Don't worry, you're next.
TOBIAS:
He doesn't get one. He's not a member yet.
SHAWN:
Maybe we could paint him in the background of mine. Put his head in the puma's mouth.
GUS:
You're going to ignore that.
SHAWN:
Hey, why did they take Arthur Holmstrom's painting down so quickly?
TOBIAS:
All of his things were taken over to his house.
EXT. HOLMSTROM’S HOUSE, NIGHT
GUS and SHAWN peer out from behind bushes before running across the lawn to the front door. They leap over the small row of bushes lining the walk causing lights to come on. They leap back onto the lawn and the lights go off.
SHAWN:
(puts finger to lips) Shh, shh. Do it lightly.
They jump over the hedges and the lights come on again. They jump back onto the lawn. SHAWN then points to the side of the walk that will keep them away from the lights.
INT. HOLMSTROM’S HOUSE, FRONT HALL, NIGHT
SHAWN and GUS work on opening the front door.
SHAWN:
(muffled whisper) Come on!
GUS:
(muffled whisper) Oh, now you’re gonna act like you’re gonna open up the door?
SHAWN opens the door and enters.
SHAWN:
Say what you will about credit cards and paper clips, sometimes a door just needs to be owned. (holds up a screwdriver)
GUS:
That's a screwdriver, Shawn. (shuts the door)
SHAWN:
Screwdrivers, too.
GUS:
I think it was unlocked.
SHAWN:
It was not unlocked. (starts up the stairs)
GUS:
I think it was.
SHAWN:
The door was most definitely not unlocked.
GUS shushes him.
SHAWN:
Gus, the man was a widower. Nobody's here.
GUS:
Why don't you let me use my new contacts to get the information?
INT. HOLMSTROM’S HOUSE, OFFICE, NIGHT
SHAWN and GUS enter the room and GUS switches on the lights.
SHAWN:
Is that how we do things, Gus, really? Why talk to someone about Holmstrom when we could have his home office tell us everything we need to know? (walks around the room) His hopes, his dreams. (turns around a framed photo of a woman on the desk) His love for the ladies.
GUS looks at other photos on the mantel.
GUS:
I think that's his wife.
SHAWN:
Fact, people lie. (swings about statue) Stuff doesn't. (puts statue down)
They hear a rattling and look to the door.
GUS:
Did you lock the front door?
SHAWN:
Yes, I locked the door!
GUS:
I don't think it was locked.
SHAWN:
I know I locked the door!
Glass shatters.
SHAWN:
You see that? They had to break a window. Burn!
They scurry for hiding places. GUS curls up on a chair as SHAWN stands in the corner by the fireplace and holds a bellows in front of his face.
GUS:
No!
SHAWN puts down the bellows and steps into the fireplace, spreading his arms out across the mantel. GUS goes to the same corner by the file cabinets and uses the bellows.
SHAWN:
I just tried that.
GUS:
Well, I did it in a different spot, Shawn!
They hear footsteps in the hallway. GUS switches off the lights.
SHAWN:
He's coming, he's coming, coming, coming! (drops to the floor spread-eagle)
GUS:
Shh, shh! (runs into SHAWN’S leg)
SHAWN:
Ow!
GUS:
Shh! Watch out!
GUS kicks SHAWN and he gets up.
INT. HOLMSTROM’S HOUSE, FRONT HALL, NIGHT
The intruder comes up the stairs.
INT. HOLMSTROM’S HOUSE, OFFICE, NIGHT
SHAWN looks around nervously before diving under the desk. The door opens and the figure comes in with a flashlight. As he walks past the desk, we see SHAWN and GUS tangled up underneath. SHAWN watches as the intruder looks through the files, throwing them to the floor as well as rifling through books on the shelves.
SHAWN:
(whispers) People breaking into offices. No one respects anything anymore.
GUS shushes SHAWN and he shushes back, actually reaching out a finger to press against GUS’ lips. GUS slaps his hand away. SHAWN notices a speck on one of the man’s shoes. Frustrated in his search, the man throws a file onto the floor close to the desk. GUS moves his foot, pinching SHAWN’s hand and he grimaces. He reacts by moving his leg. GUS moves again, kicking SHAWN in the shoulder.
SHAWN:
Ow!
The intruder leaves the office.
SHAWN:
My God, did you see who that was?
GUS:
It's hard to see anything with someone's knee in your eye.
SHAWN:
It's your own knee.
GUS:
Get out of here!
They crawl out and stand up with a few grunts. GUS turns on the lights as SHAWN looks around.
SHAWN:
Whoa! Look at this place. Whoever was here wasn't invited either.
Behind SHAWN, GUS sees a safe hidden behind the bookshelf.
GUS:
A secret safe.
SHAWN:
(looks at safe before looking back at GUS) Dude, you gotta get us in there.
GUS:
I can't get us in that safe, Shawn. That's a Martin 16.
SHAWN:
You're 36 months into a subscription to Modern Safecracker Magazine. What's the point?
GUS:
I'm an amateur, Shawn.
SHAWN:
Well, it's time to go pro, Fingers.
GUS:
Fingers?
SHAWN:
Twist it up.
GUS:
Watch out.
GUS pushes SHAWN out of the way and walks to the safe. He trips on debris on the floor. He stands in front of the safe and blows softly at it. He flaps his jacket back a couple of times as he prepares.
SHAWN:
Would you stop it!
GUS:
Shh! Now I've gotta start all over.
GUS then strikes a pose. His left arm is forward and his right hand is held back at eye-level. He then jabs his hand forward to the combination dial.
SHAWN:
This month would be good.
GUS:
Shh!
SHAWN looks around and sees a photo of Holmstrom’s wife from the fifties. She is wearing a tight-fitting glamorous dress that shows off her figure.
GUS:
(gives up) It's not happening, Shawn.
SHAWN:
Try 36-24-36.
GUS:
Are you serious?
SHAWN:
Just click it in gentle.
SHAWN watches as GUS tries the combination. It doesn’t work.
GUS:
That was a good idea. Now what?
SHAWN:
Huh, I really thought I nailed that.
GUS catches SHAWN looking at the photo and laughs.
GUS:
Shawn, you've really gotta work on your estimating skills. (works the combination) 36-24-38.
The safe opens.
SHAWN:
Dude! You're a safecracking machine!
GUS:
I know.
SHAWN:
Grab that.
GUS takes the ledgers from the safe and they open them side-by-side on the desk.
SHAWN:
All right, I've got $25,000 for Komputers for Kids. This one says 35,000. One of these books is a fraud. Dude, Holmstrom was skimming funds from the Lodge. And look, he's writing in some secret, ancient code.
GUS:
No, this isn't code, they're abbreviations. HX means “history”, QD means “every day”, C means “and”. Deposit history, follow up with accounts every day, transfer and withdrawals.
SHAWN:
You're telling me you can read this?
GUS:
Of course I can. This is doctor's shorthand. And this is doctor's handwriting. See these sticky notes? Holmstrom wrote these. He wasn't skimming, he figured out who was.
SHAWN:
One of the doctors is cooking the books. How sure are you?
GUS:
85, 86%.
SHAWN:
We've gone on much less.
INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION ROOM A, NIGHT
LASSITER has his jacket off and sits at the head of the table. PARKER sits at the side, arms crossed.
LASSITER:
Look, Irving, it's been four hours.
PARKER:
Is that all? You know, Carlton, it may be the rage talking, but if I had it to do over again, the day my Tory came home with you, I would have told her to go right back out that door and come back alone. That's what I should have done.
As PARKER talks, LASSITER rubs his head like he’s getting a migraine. Finally, he’s had enough and stands up in a rush and leans over the table at PARKER.
LASSITER:
All right, Irving, that's enough! Now, I loved Victoria, and because she loved you, I let it slide that you're a pain in the ass. But you're at my table now, and around here, we call someone like you a hostile witness. It's a good way to get yourself locked up. I can make your life a living hell, so you better give me the respect I deserve. And I suggest you cut the crap, clear? I want a straight answer, and I want it immediately. (sits) How did Arthur Holmstrom advance to the Highmost Patriarch when you were the next in line?
PARKER:
Well, I don't know how Art convinced the other guys. He asked me, and I said it was okay. He was a friend of mine, and he had health problems. He was getting worse. And I gave him the only chance he'd probably ever get. Now, as for the snake business, I haven't traveled abroad in over three years. I haven't been out of the country since you got married. Doctor's orders. Are we done? (makes to stand)
LASSITER:
We're done when I say we're done! (pause) We're done. You can go.
PARKER gets up and walks to the door.
EXT. STREET, DAY
SHAWN stands next to the Echo as GUS takes his case from the back.
SHAWN:
We've been to four doctors' offices. None of the handwriting matches the books. Plus, I probably caught something from somebody, and I'm tired of reading Highlights for Children. They always hide the apple in the bike.
They start walking towards the office.
GUS:
Can you man up, Shawn? Is that possible? I'm on an unbelievable hot streak right now, and I'm not about to ruin it.
SHAWN:
It's good to know that moving oozing infection gel is more important than finding a killer. Hey, maybe we could park on a steeper incline next time. My quads aren't burning enough.
INT. MEDICAL CENTER, RECEPTION, DAY
SHAWN looks around seeing a number of photos on the wall from Third World countries. As the RECEPTIONIST comes out, SHAWN ducks down.
RECEPTIONIST:
Tell Heather to call back tomorrow.
SHAWN smacks GUS on the leg.
RECEPTIONIST:
(sees GUS) Yes?
SHAWN smacks GUS again, moving him towards the entrance to the offices. GUS walks around the desk, giving SHAWN a clear path as he distracts the RECEPTIONIST.
GUS:
Good afternoon. I'm Burton Guster, with Central Coast Pharmaceuticals.
RECEPTIONIST:
We're closed.
INT. MEDICAL CENTER, HALL, DAY
SHAWN sneaks down the hall and into DOWNS’ examination room.
INT. MEDICAL CENTER, RECEPTION, DAY
GUS:
Yes, well, I'm here to drop off some product to Dr. Downs. He's a brother of mine.
The RECEPTIONIST stares at him.
INT. MEDICAL CENTER, EXAM ROOM, DAY
SHAWN looks through a medicine cabinet and finds gloves with a very unique pattern. He remembers seeing the same pattern imprinted on DOWNS’ arm when he shook hands with GUS. He closes the cabinet door and heads for the hall, stubbing his toe as he peers out into the hall.
SHAWN:
Ow!
INT. MEDICAL CENTER, HALL, DAY
SHAWN staggers into the hall in agony. Realizing someone might come looking, he ducks into another room.
INT. MEDICAL CENTER, RECEPTION, DAY
RECEPTIONIST:
He isn't here at...(looks down the hall)
GUS:
Well, he was expecting me.
RECEPTIONIST:
You can leave your card.(holds out her hand)
INT. MEDICAL CENTER, HALL, DAY
SHAWN steps onto a scale and is going to weigh himself before changing his mind. He steps off and sees a framed article on the wall for a powdered vaccine. He peers back down the hall to see if it’s clear.
INT. MEDICAL CENTER, RECEPTION, DAY
GUS:
I just thought I'd drop by and pay him a birthday visit. It's my birthday, the big two-nine. Remember that one?
RECEPTIONIST:
(glares) I'm 26. (sits)
GUS:
Really?
GUS looks down the hall and sees SHAWN stick his head out, holding an African mask in front of his face. He points at GUS and ducks into another room.
GUS:
Uh, so, will Dr. Downs be here later?
RECEPTIONIST:
(stands and snatches card from his hand) I will make sure he gets this. (walks away)
INT. MEDICAL CENTER, OFFICE, DAY
SHAWN searches DOWNS’ office and sees that the writing on the desk calendar matches that from the ledgers. He heads for the door but hides behind frosted glass as the RECEPTIONIST strides down the hall. He runs out as soon as she passes.
EXT. STREET, DAY
GUS is waiting by the car as SHAWN runs out.
SHAWN:
Dude! I just solved it. Call Lassie.
They get in the car.
INT. LASSITER’S CAR, DAY
JULIET answers her phone.
JULIET:
O'Hara. Right. (turns to LASSITER) 13850 Granada.
She barely closes her phone before LASSITER is speeding down the street, siren wailing.
INT. MONARCH LODGE, MAIN ROOM, DAY
The members are gathered in a circle, PARKER on the throne in the robes of the Highmost Patriarch.
DOWNS:
(makes toast) To absent friends.
MEMBERS:
To absent friends.
SHAWN and GUS enter the room.
SHAWN:
Absent friends? Like Arthur Holmstrom?
DOWNS:
What?
SHAWN:
(walks to the center of the circle) My sweet violet brothers, we congregate here today in the flesh, not only to recognize our new Highmost Patriarch, Irv Parker, but also to bear witness, along with the magic head of Gus, the wisdom of Baum (looks up at owl hanging from the ceiling) and that... (looks at ferret on the mantle) That stuffed creature. Arthur Holmstrom was murdered. (turns slowly in a circle and points) Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck... goose! (pulls down DOWNS’ hood) Dr. Roger Downs, entrusted with the proceeds of charity activities, was funneling funds into his own pocket and covering his tracks by using a dummy accounting ledger. Now, when Holmstrom discovered the corruption, he confronted downs and made a play for the Highmost Patriarch position. In exchange for his silence, Holmstrom got what he wanted. But Downs still couldn't chance getting caught. And so he killed his own Lodge brother right here on the eye of Hathor in the middle of the Lodge. And this is the murder weapon.
JULIET and LASSITER arrive and push their way through.
DOWNS:
How dare you accuse me? I am a respected officer of this Lodge.
SHAWN:
(sees speck on DOWNS’ shoe) By the shores of Gitchagoomee, I can see you in the house, frantically searching for the ledgers that Holmstrom kept securely stored in his safe, ironically, to keep you good to your word.
DOWNS:
(chuckles nervously) Arthur Holmstrom's death was, unfortunate, but I had nothing to do with it.
SHAWN throws the cloth shroud to LASSITER.
SHAWN:
Check it out, Lassie. I'm quite certain you'll find traces of a powdered form of the venom of the Brazilian vine snake, native to Brazil. It's part of an anti-venom that Dr. Downs uses in his charitable work abroad. Who knew that in small doses it acts as a vaccine, while larger doses are absolutely lethal?
Various members raise their hands and say “I did”.
SHAWN:
Really?
DOWNS:
This is absurd! Holmstrom died of natural causes.
SHAWN:
By the halls of Montezuma, I see you taking great care to put on protective gloves while lining the inside of the hood with the powder for Holmstrom's Patriarch ceremony, making it deadly venomous. The poor old man's head and face never stood a chance. Not too keen on the Hippocratic Oath, are we, Rog?
DOWNS:
(walks up to SHAWN) I have nothing to say. Speak to my lawyer.
DOWNS starts to walk away but JULIET stops him.
JULIET:
Hold it right there, Dr. Downs. You're under arrest.
Uniformed officers cuff DOWNS.
SHAWN:
And none of this, your Highmost, would have been discovered without the intrepid police work of one Detective Carlton Lassiter, Santa Barbara Police Department's own Highmost Patriarch.
As SHAWN walks past LASSITER, he slaps him on the rear. He goes over to GUS and they fist-bump before leaving.
PARKER:
Nice collar, Detective.
LASSITER:
It's all in a day's work, Irving.
PARKER:
(steps down from throne) You may not be my son-in-law much longer, but I'm thinking you might be a Monarch yet.
The members applaud and LASSITER looks around in surprise.
INT. PSYCH, DAY
SHAWN is sitting at his desk when HENRY comes in.
HENRY:
(knocks) Hey! You ready to go?
SHAWN:
What could you possibly mean by that?
HENRY:
Our big weekend, remember? I cancelled, I felt bad. So I just thought we'd go this weekend.
SHAWN:
Ooh, Dad, I wish you'd given me a little bit of advance notice. I'm... I'm swamped here.
HENRY looks at the screen and sees SHAWN is playing Tetris.
HENRY:
Yeah, right. All right, look, I'm gonna go. You want to come along, you're welcome. (walks away)
SHAWN:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Dad, wait a second. There's still something that doesn't make any sense to me. (stands) Why did you leave the Lodge?
HENRY:
Look, Shawn, it's not important, let it go.
SHAWN:
Come on, you big liar. Throw a little truth on the barbie, see if it stinks.
HENRY:
What are you talking about?
SHAWN:
I'm talking about man candor. Let's have some.
HENRY:
All right, all right, you want some man candor. You want the truth? My marriage was falling apart, and I made a choice. I stopped caring about the Lodge, because I realized the only real membership that mattered was family. There.
SHAWN:
Family? (laughs) You really expect me to believe that?
The sound of hammering comes from the outer office.
HENRY:
What the hell is that?
SHAWN:
This you gotta see.
HENRY follows SHAWN to the outer office where GUS has hung both SHAWN and HENRY’S Lodge portraits.
GUS:
Nice addition, don't you think?
SHAWN:
We grabbed 'em on our way out of the Lodge.
HENRY:
Way out?
SHAWN:
Yeah, Gus and I decided we didn't want to belong to a club that would have Lassiter as a member. You can have yours if you want it.
HENRY:
Nah. No, I think it should stay right where it is. That way I can always keep an eye on you.
Highlights for Children. They always hide the apple in the bike.'>
1987
INT. SPENCER HOUSE, KITCHEN, DAY
HENRY enters the house through the kitchen. He is still in uniform and stops on the stairs when he hears SHAWN and GUS chanting from the other room. He goes into the living room.
INT. SPENCER HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, DAY
SHAWN and GUS have made a makeshift tent and HENRY can see their shadows cast on the sheet. HENRY tosses his bag to the floor and walks over to the tent and throws the sheet up to reveal the boys. They each have a towel tied around their necks like a cape. They have a camp stove between them, its flames flickering.
HENRY:
Hey. What the hell is going on here?
SHAWN:
Uh, nothing.
GUS:
Yeah.
HENRY:
Oh. My mistake. Sorry, guys.
SHAWN:
That's okay. See you later, Dad.
HENRY walks away before turning back and sitting cross-legged on the floor by the boys.
HENRY:
Okay, Shawn...out with it. (turns off the camp stove)
GUS:
We're starting a secret club.
HENRY:
The Burn Down the House Club?
GUS:
The Gus and Shawn club.
SHAWN:
It's actually the Shawn and Gus club.
HENRY:
You know, a club needs regulations, by-laws. You guys got any rules?
GUS:
Yes, no girls.
SHAWN:
And everybody has to be under 12. No old guys.
GUS:
And they have to have a love of correct grammar.
SHAWN:
That's not a rule!
GUS:
You said we could have one special rule. That's mine.
SHAWN:
And that's the best rule you could think of?
GUS:
I think you mean that's the best rule of which you could think.
SHAWN:
I'm not being in a club with this. (gets up and leaves)
GUS:
Fine, I don't need you and your misplaced prepositions. (looks at HENRY) Wanna be in a club?
PRESENT DAY
EXT. RESTAURANT, DAY
SHAWN and GUS are sitting at a table outside facing the street and the water beyond that.
SHAWN:
Dude, I feel like the weight of the world is off my shoulders. One phone call, and my mountain man trip with my dad is off.
GUS:
Why'd he back out?
SHAWN:
He was sick. He sounded horrible. He was lurching, he was coughing. He even sounded pale.
GUS:
How do you sound pale?
SHAWN:
I don't know. Maybe he didn't sound pale, but he definitely sounded feverish.
They hear a radio blaring “Bad, Bad Leroy Brown” and HENRY stops his truck in front of the restaurant. HENRY doesn’t realize SHAWN and GUS are there as he taps his fingers to the music and rocks in his seat. GUS laughs and SHAWN looks at him. HENRY drives away. SHAWN stands and watches him go.
GUS:
Maybe he's driving himself to the hospital.
The waitress brings their food and leaves.
GUS:
Thank you.
SHAWN:
You know what this means?
GUS:
What?
SHAWN:
We gotta go.
GUS:
What?
SHAWN:
There's no time to discuss. (starts to walk away) Oh, Gus. Uh, pay. (runs off)
GUS:
Shawn! (sighs in frustration and reaches for wallet)
EXT. STREET, DAY
SHAWN and GUS watch from the Echo as HENRY pulls up in front of a large mock-Tudor building. GUS has managed to bring along his sandwich and dipping sauce.
GUS:
I still don't see why you're so uptight. 30 seconds ago you were thrilled your dad bailed on you.
SHAWN:
That's when I thought he was dying. (turns off car, releases seatbelt and turns to watch HENRY)
HENRY gets out and talks with the security guard.
GUS:
Dude. Do you realize where we are right now? That's the Monarch Lodge.
HENRY does the secret handshake with the guard before entering.
GUS:
Your dad's a member? Are you kidding me?
SHAWN:
We're going in. (gets out of the car)
GUS:
Shawn!
SHAWN walks around past GUS’ window.
GUS:
You can't just walk into the Monarch Lodge. They're a clandestine society.
SHAWN says nothing, just points at GUS before walking away.
GUS:
They have a secret handshake.
EXT. LODGE, DAY
SHAWN does the secret handshake with the guard, naming the moves as he does them.
SHAWN:
Fold it, fold it, skim it, crouching tiger, zookeeper's boy, hairdresser on fire, girlfriend in a coma and then slap it on a biscuit.
GUS throws away the remains of his sandwich and wrapper. He goes to follow SHAWN and the guard reaches out his hand as GUS passes.
SHAWN:
You might not want to do that. Dr. Guster just inseminated an Appaloosa. All the way up to the elbow.
GUS:
No time to wash up. Thank you. (hands guard the dip dish)
SHAWN:
You're a good man.
SHAWN and GUS enter the lodge.
INT. MONARCH LODGE, HALL, DAY
The dark wood-paneled walls are lined with portraits of past members of the Lodge. SHAWN is looking at President Harry Truman.
GUS:
I've always wanted to see the inside of this place. (looks at an older portrait of a man with a handlebar mustache) Oscar Landon Clark. He started the Santa Barbara Mirror.
SHAWN:
(looks at the portrait of a balding man) Dude, Moby's a Monarch!
GUS:
That's not Moby, Shawn. (sees a portrait of an older man with round eyeglass frames) Martin A Turner, the city's first Postmaster. Can you believe this?
SHAWN:
I'm pretty sure that's Chuck from The Wonder Years.
SHAWN and GUS continue to look at the portraits until one stuns them.
GUS:
Dude!
SHAWN:
Oh, my God. That is really disturbing.
The portrait is of a younger HENRY looking rather creepy.
HENRY:
(muffled from another room) Jeez, what are you doing? Come on, Ted. Dragging me all the way over here for this?
They follow the sound of HENRY’S voice.
INT. MONARCH LODGE, MAIN ROOM, DAY
SHAWN:
(strides in) Dad, you owe me an explanation…
SHAWN notices room filled with men in hooded robes. They walk towards HENRY who stands out in one of his loud shirts. He then looks down on the floor at a dead body. SHAWN sees a powdery residue around the man’s mouth and nose.
SHAWN:
(looks at HENRY) What the hell are you into?
**********************************************************************
PSYCH
“Dis-Lodged”
By
Tim Meltreger
STARRING:
James Roday
Dulé Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
Kirsten Nelson
And
Corbin Bernsen
DIRECTOR
Mel Damski
**********************************************************************
INT. MONARCH LODGE, MAIN ROOM, DAY
HENRY walks over to one of the members, the one who called him in, TED.
HENRY:
You need to call the police.
TED:
We did. A policeman and a brother.
HENRY:
Ted, I'm retired. From both. S.B.P.D. (takes out phone) Here, I'll dial for you. Let's go. (takes him out of the room)
SHAWN:
This is unbelievable.
GUS:
Practically every doctor in the city is a member here. Do you realize what this means?
SHAWN:
Yes, it means my dad, Mr. Integrity, is nothing more than a lying liar from Liarsburg.
GUS:
(taps SHAWN on the arm and points to one of the men) That's Dr. Downs. He has a huge practice on the mesa, and he just dumped his rep. I've been trying to get in there for years. I'll be right back. (makes to head over)
SHAWN:
(stops GUS) Don't step on the corpse head.
GUS skirts around the body. HENRY re-enters the room and hits SHAWN on the arm.
HENRY:
How'd you get in here?
SHAWN:
I think I should ask you the same thing, sick faker! Let me feel your forehead. (reaches out a hand)
HENRY:
(ducks out of the way) What are you doing, following me around? I don't have time for this, Shawn. Take a look, there's a dead body in the room.
SHAWN:
Yes, Mr Arthur Holmstrom. He was murdered.
EXT. STREET, DAY
LASSITER is parked and JULIET enters the car with coffee for the two of them.
INT. LASSITER'S CAR, DAY
JULIET hands LASSITER his coffee.
JULIET:
Three creams, four sugars.
LASSITER:
Thank you.
JULIET:
And here's this. (hands LASSITER his money)
LASSITER:
What's this?
JULIET:
Yours didn't cost anything.
LASSITER:
Dropped my name?
JULIET:
No, Koffee Klub. (holds up card) Buy 15 coffees, you get one free. You should get one. (hands card to LASSITER)
LASSITER:
(looks at card dubiously) Gee, I don't know. I mean, what am I gonna do with all that extra cash? Let me give you a little lesson, O'Hara…
DISPATCHER:
We have 1144. Deceased male, 1385 Granada Place.
LASSITER:
(into radio) Detectives Lassiter and O'Hara en route. (throws coffee cup out window)
JULIET:
You know that's littering.
LASSITER speeds away.
INT. MONARCH LODGE, MAIN ROOM, DAY
HENRY:
Back up, what do you mean "murdered"?
SHAWN:
Maybe poisoned. I'm not sure yet.
HENRY:
Shawn, this is not the place for one of your reckless assumptions.
SHAWN:
Dad, take a look around. These guys hardly seem broken up by this.
They look around at the members, some of whom are talking business with GUS.
HENRY:
I've known Arthur Holmstrom since the day he joined this Lodge. He was not the most likable guy.
SHAWN:
Fine. Whatever. I have more important issues to deal with. I want the truth. What really happened to my cat, Chairman Meow?
HENRY:
You want answers?
SHAWN:
I want the truth.
HENRY:
You can't handle the truth!
SHAWN and HENRY look at each other because of the line and delivery.
HENRY:
You drive me a little crazy, Shawn. The idea of spending an entire weekend with you…
SHAWN:
I drive you crazy?
HENRY:
Yeah. And your cat got a little too familiar with the armrest of my sofa. There.
TED comes over.
TED:
Henry, I am really sorry for pulling you in on such short notice. It's just we were all really nervous about this. I mean, what if we did something wrong? He had that hood on for 20 minutes. What if he suffocated?
HENRY:
Ted, calm down. It's a cloth hood. You've performed this ceremony, what, a dozen times?
TED:
I know, I know. It's just that we want to make sure it's handled right.
HENRY:
You talked to the police, right?
TED:
Yes, yes. Thank you, thank you. (gives HENRY his phone) Say, is this your son? You know how we love a legacy around here.
HENRY:
No, no, no. No, yes, he is my son, technically, but I…
SHAWN:
(raises a hand to his head) Ted, I'm getting…
HENRY grabs SHAWN by the arm and pulls him away from TED.
HENRY:
No, no, you don't. Not here, Shawn. This is not the time for your shenanigans.
SHAWN:
It was a single shenanigan. Technically more of a hijink, pet killer!
HENRY:
I'm not a pet killer, Shawn. Chairman Meow is living very happily in a retirement home in Ojai. And I don't want to burst your bubble, but Chairman Meow is Chairwoman Meow. (walks away)
The coroner’s team arrives and begins to take photos of the body. LASSITER and JULIET arrive with uniforms to help question the members. LASSITER looks around the room in awe, a smile of appreciation on his face. He sees SHAWN.
LASSITER:
Spencer. (does double-take and walks over) No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. What the hell are you doing here?
SHAWN:
Lassie, as it happens, my father is a member here. (motions to HENRY talking with a uniform)
LASSITER:
That's impossible. Benevolent Lodge Rule AB-4567 bars any law enforcement member from being a member.
SHAWN shrugs and shakes his head. An older member of the Lodge walks over.
MAN:
Yeah, and that rule is bogus. We made that up to keep out undesirables.
JULIET:
"Undesirables"?
MAN:
People who aren't Lodge material. (looks at LASSITER) Or anyone who's been married to my daughter.
SHAWN makes an “oh” face.
JULIET:
And you are?
LASSITER:
This is Irving Parker. He's my father-in-law.
SHAWN:
Excuse me. (leaves)
PARKER:
Soon-to-be-former-father-in-law.
LASSITER:
Not so fast. Victoria and I have had several civil conversations lately.
PARKER:
Give it up, Carlton! It was a lost cause two years ago, and it's a lost cause now. Get over it. She has. Move on! I think we'll all be better off for it.
PARKER smiles at JULIET and she forces one in return.
JULIET:
Can I talk to you for a second? (pulls LASSITER aside) Are you sure you want to be on this case? You have a personal involvement here.
LASSITER:
That's right, O'Hara, this is personal. And if it does turn out to be something, that's exactly why I need to be on it.
JULIET:
But these people have something against you.
LASSITER:
They won't anymore after I solve it.
JULIET:
Carlton.
LASSITER:
Look. You don't understand, O'Hara. I need to be the hero. I need to solve this case quickly and look brilliant in the process. And you need to help me do that. Please.
GUS:
It's been a pleasure talking with you, Dr. Downs.
DOWNS:
Well, you make quite an impression, Mr. Guster. And under the circumstances, that's saying something.
GUS:
Well, thank you very much. And once again, I want to express my sincere condolences.
DOWNS:
Perhaps you could give my office a call, and we could set aside some time.
GUS:
How about Monday?
DOWNS:
Terrific.
GUS and DOWNS shake hands.
GUS:
Great.
SHAWN walks towards GUS and DOWNS and smiles when he sees GUS closing the deal. He then notices the portraits of the high-ranking members and sees Holmstrom was not the next in line for promotion, IRVING was. HENRY joins him.
HENRY:
We're done here. Gus?
GUS:
Thanks. (waves goodbye to the doctors)
INT. MONARCH LODGE, HALL, DAY
SHAWN:
And another thing, Dad. Just when, exactly, were you a member here?
HENRY:
It was a long time ago, Shawn. I'm not a part of this place anymore. And whether or not this was murder, you are hereby ordered to steer clear.
GUS looks behind HENRY and jabs SHAWN. SHAWN looks and nods. HENRY continues, not realizing he has stopped in front of his own portrait.
HENRY:
These guys are not to be messed with. I cannot possibly be more serious about this.
HENRY sees his portrait and rubs his now-bald head in frustration. SHAWN fails to hide a smile as his father walks away.
INT. PSYCH, NIGHT
GUS is sitting at his desk talking with DOWNS on the phone. SHAWN is sitting at his desk using his laptop.
GUS:
(chuckles) Tuesday at 11:00 is perfect. I'll be there with bells on. Okay. (ends call)
SHAWN:
Dude, who says that?
GUS:
Closers. Closers say that.
SHAWN:
Well, if by closers you mean middle-aged women, then, yes, I do believe I've heard the phrase. Are you forgetting that we many have stumbled up on a murder today? A murder that you're taking entirely too unseriously? The man's name was Arthur Holmstrom, and he died during the Sacred Star Ceremony. Get over here, look at this.
GUS comes over and looks at the video on the screen.
SHAWN:
It's weird.
GUS:
Weird? Those guys look downright evil. White men in hoods?
SHAWN:
Dude, they're violet.
GUS:
That's how it starts, Shawn.
SHAWN looks up and sees a shadow move across the window blinds.
SHAWN:
Do you see that?
GUS sees the shadow.
GUS:
Holy crap, Shawn. Your dad was right. It's one of those scary Lodge guys.
The shadow moves to the next window. SHAWN and GUS move away from the desk and hide behind the sofa.
GUS:
They're here for us. They know you think they killed that guy.
They move to the front office and SHAWN grabs a lamp as GUS picks up a statuette. SHAWN opens the door to reveal LASSITER.
SHAWN:
Lassie. What are you doing here?
LASSITER:
(enters the office) I think you know why I'm here.
GUS closes the door behind LASSITER.
SHAWN:
Hopefully you're here to help. Gus and I were about to do some scrapbooking. We'll need someone who can work the scalloped scissors.
They walk into the main office and LASSITER follows.
LASSITER:
Spencer, I get why you have to act like an ass at my station, but do you have to act like this in your own office?
SHAWN:
It enhances my perception. How else would I know that you came here because you think Arthur Holmstrom was murdered?
LASSITER:
Yeah. No one's talking down at the Lodge. I was just driving by the office and saw the lights on.
SHAWN:
You want to hire us.
LASSITER sighs and tries to come up with an excuse.
SHAWN:
Oh, come on, Lassie, it's not that tough. Let it go.
GUS:
Yes, come on.
SHAWN:
Look around. You're in a safe place. Surrounded by men who love you.
GUS:
Mmm-hmm.
SHAWN:
Gus?
GUS:
Lassiter, I love you.
SHAWN and GUS each pat LASSITER on the arm before they head back to their desks.
LASSITER:
Look. You have a connection in there. So I need you to feel around and see what you can find out.
GUS:
The department's hiring us?
LASSITER:
Not the department, me. And I can't pay you.
GUS:
Well, that sounds worthwhile.
LASSITER:
I guess this would technically be called a... favor. Maybe I could pay your expenses.
SHAWN:
(slaps desk) Done! 15 grand a day, and when we're finished, we all go for a picnic.
LASSITER:
This is a discreet investigation.
SHAWN:
I'd like to show you something. (holds out hand, palm down) See this? It's the Lodge radar. And look at this. (moves his other hand below) It's me flying underneath it. (squawks) Now look down here. It's Gus. He can't fly. (uses first hand on desk)
LASSITER:
It is imperative that you keep a low profile.
INT. MONARCH LODGE, MAIN ROOM, DAY
The members are gathered around a man in the center of the room.
MAN:
Place the robe on our new brother.
The new brother turns around and it’s SHAWN. One of the brothers fastens the clasp and the others applaud. SHAWN shakes hands with a few as others pat him on the back.
SHAWN:
That's it, huh?
MAN:
Yes.
SHAWN:
I'm official? No brimstone? I don't have to crab walk or get tickled with a feather? Come on. Somebody, tickle me with a feather. You.
MAN:
Gentlemen, to the bar.
MAN 2:
Yes.
SHAWN:
Save me a shot.
The members leave the room. GUS peers in through another door and SHAWN nods for him to come in.
GUS:
Don't you think it's odd that it's just business as usual when someone died here the other day?
SHAWN:
Definitely. It appears as though he's been all but forgotten. Look. Holmstrom's already been moved. Those paintings are in order of rank. Once the Highmost Patriarch moves on, he's replaced by the next guy in line.
GUS:
That's Irving Parker.
SHAWN:
Right. Holmstrom was fifth in line. Somehow he leap-frogged three other guys, including Parker and two of your doctor buddies.
They look around the room and notice plaques on the shelves.
SHAWN:
25 Gs for "Komputers for Kids"? 30 Gs for "Toys for Kids." 15 grand for "Clothing for Kids"?
GUS:
These guys are ultra-philanthropists. They're the most charitable organization in the city. Why would they commit murder?
SHAWN:
Well, maybe it was for the kids.
They move over to a display case holding an ornate hood.
SHAWN:
Oh! "The shroud of Charlemagne”. Dude, Holmstrom was wearing this hood the day he died. Check it out, it's 100 years old. Like a lot of the guys around this place. (holds up fist for a bump but an old man is standing there) Sorry.
MAN:
What?
SHAWN:
Nothing.
SHAWN looks around for GUS and sees him with the other members chatting in the bar. He joins them.
INT. MONARCH LODGE, BAR, DAY
GUS:
Oh, Shawn. You know my newest clients, Dr. Masood Nigam, and Dr. Roger Downs.
SHAWN:
Yes, yes, I do. Congratulations on your clientship. (gives shortened version of handshake) Oh, just… You're in good hands with Gus. Nimble, agile hands. Surgeon's hands, really. He once removed a boil from his own thigh using a paper clip and a warm can of Sprite.
The doctors stare at them and GUS can’t believe SHAWN said that.
EXT. LODGE, DAY
SHAWN and GUS walk out the front door.
SHAWN:
Dude, when did you have time to make all these sales? We were in there for an hour.
GUS:
An hour is all you need, Shawn, when you've got sales reptitude.
GUS looks around and sees another member leaving the Lodge. He taps SHAWN on the arm and walks over to the man.
GUS:
Dr. McOrmley, can I talk to you for a second?
McORMLEY:
What can I do for you?
SHAWN’S cell phone rings. He looks at the ID before answering.
SHAWN:
You're calling me a day after our first date? You really are out of practice.
CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH -
- CUT TO:
INT. LASSITER’S CAR, DAY
LASSITER is sitting at the wheel, phone to his ear.
LASSITER:
So what'd you find out?
SHAWN:
Well, it appears our victim made top dog with very little effort. One day he was fifth in line for the job, the next day he was Highmost Patriarch. Oh, and the next day he was dead.
LASSITER:
Does anyone suspect you?
SHAWN:
(chuckles) No. Members are beyond suspicion.
LASSITER:
Member? Oh, Sweet Justice! They made you a member?
SHAWN:
Now, don't get all mad, Lassie. There was a 15-minute waiting period. I finally learned the lyrics to Informer while they convened and agreed on me.
A motorcycle drives by SHAWN and only moments later he hears it over the phone. SHAWN follows the sound.
GUS:
Let me give you my card, Dr. McOrmley, 'cause you do not want to miss out on this baby. (hands the doctor his card)
SHAWN stops at a berm overlooking the road.
SHAWN:
Are you staking me out?
LASSITER:
No. (looks through binoculars)
SHAWN:
Yes, you are.
LASSITER:
No, I'm not.
SHAWN runs down to the road and behind LASSITER’S car.
SHAWN:
I can sense you're right around the corner.
LASSITER puts down the binoculars, ends the call and reaches for the keys in the ignition.
SHAWN:
(leans through passenger window) Whoa, you're breaking up. Can you call me back, Lassie? (closes phone)
LASSITER’S phone rings as SHAWN gets into the car.
LASSITER:
I don't have time for this. I've got another call. (answers phone) O'Hara, finally.
CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH -
- CUT TO:
INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY
JULIET is at her desk.
JULIET:
Where are you?
LASSITER:
I'm at lunch.
JULIET:
Ooh! Get me a turkey and avocado. (sits)
SHAWN:
Let me talk to her.
LASSITER:
Hands off! (slaps SHAWN’S hands away)
JULIET:
Is someone there with you?
SHAWN:
Hi, Jules.
LASSITER:
Spencer.
JULIET:
You're having lunch with Shawn?
LASSITER:
Maybe.
JULIET:
Is something going on?
LASSITER:
Look, do you have the toxicology reports on Holmstrom or not?
JULIET:
Yeah, but they're inconclusive. Well, actually, they're just strange.
LASSITER:
Strange how?
SHAWN:
Oh, come on!
SHAWN grabs LASSITER hand and put the phone on speaker. LASSITER sets it on the dashboard.
JULIET:
Well, it doesn't look like natural causes, and his blood had trace elements of... I don't even want to say.
LASSITER:
Come on, O'Hara.
JULIET:
Well, it had what looks like the toxin similar to the venom of a Brazilian vine snake.
LASSITER:
You've gotta be kidding me.
SHAWN:
He got bit by a snake?
LASSITER:
Shhh!
JULIET:
Am I on speaker phone?
SHAWN:
No.
JULIET:
Well, then, how did he hear…
SHAWN:
Jules, how about you just tell us, hunh?
JULIET:
He didn't have a mark on him. There weren't any puncture wounds. The only thing he had was a little skin irritation on his face.
LASSITER:
Obviously these results are inconclusive, so run the tests again because we need results that aren't ridiculous.
SHAWN:
I don't know, Lassie, I kind a like this snake idea.
JULIET:
Why are you sharing information with Shawn on a case we haven't hired him for?
LASSITER:
(picks up phone and taps it) You know what, O'Hara? You’re breaking up. I’ll call you back. (imitates static before ending call)
SHAWN:
Nice.
INT. PSYCH, DAY
SHAWN and GUS are at their desks eating Chinese when HENRY storms in.
HENRY:
You joined the Lodge?
SHAWN:
What can I do, Dad? I'm a legacy. It's in our blood.
HENRY:
Damn it, Shawn, I'm not kidding. You've got to reconsider this. You get a lot of powerful people into one room, and dangerous things happen. Would you please let the police just do their job?
SHAWN:
I am working for the police.
GUS:
Sort of.
SHAWN:
It's a discreet investigation.
HENRY:
Yeah. Discreet. That's one of your talents.
SHAWN:
I'm working on a theory. Arthur Holmstrom was poisoned with snake venom.
HENRY:
Snake venom?
GUS:
The Brazilian Vine Snake. Specific to remote river basins in Northern Brazil. About two to three feet in length.
HENRY:
So someone snuck a three-foot snake in to the Lodge and killed him during the ceremony? The perfect crime.
SHAWN:
Right. Except there were no marks left on the body.
HENRY:
Oh! So we're looking for an invisible snake. You know, Shawn, that's it. Right--right there. That is your problem. Maybe you'd be better off looking for something that you can see. (looks at a chart of the Lodge hierarchy) There is a pecking order, right in front of your eyes. (uses soda to make a straw crawl to the Highmost Patriarch)
SHAWN:
Oh, Dad! You're gonna ruin my diagram!
HENRY:
Yep, who's at the top? Who's the next guy in line?
SHAWN:
I know where the top is, you could have just pointed. Now there's Coke all over everything.
HENRY:
Forget it. Just grow up. (walks out)
SHAWN:
Me grow up? A grown man makes a crawly snake.
EXT. PARKER EXPORTS, DAY
SHAWN and GUS sit in the Echo across the street from the business.
SHAWN:
This is Parker's place.
GUS:
I can see the sign, Shawn.
SHAWN:
Well, I bet they're very busy inside. Might I suggest coming back this evening and breaking in?
GUS:
Good idea. Let me see what I'm doing for the next three to five years, with time off for good behavior. We're here now. I can get us in. (unfastens seatbelt and gets out of the car)
SHAWN:
Whoa! (gets out of the car) All of a sudden you can just "get us in"?
GUS:
Shawn, I'm totally in a sales zone this week. You leave this secret handshake to me. (rubs his thumb against the side of his nose)
INT. PARKER EXPORTS, RECEPTION, DAY
The RECEPTIONIST checks the appointments. SHAWN is looking at the items on her desk.
RECEPTIONIST:
I'm not showing an appointment, Mr...
GUS:
Guster. Burton Guster. And this is my associate William Zane. I'm an old friend, and I'm just paying Mr. Parker a birthday visit.
RECEPTIONIST:
It's not his birthday.
GUS:
I know, it's mine. We're here on Lodge business.
SHAWN:
That's a three right there.
As the RECEPTIONIST looks down to fill in the Soduku puzzle, GUS jabs SHAWN in the arm.
SHAWN:
What?
RECEPTIONIST:
Nothing better to do on your birthday?
GUS:
Well, it's my 29th, not one of the important ones. You'll understand when you get to be my age.
RECEPTIONIST:
Mmmm! (giggles)
GUS:
I'll only be a minute. (heads for the door)
RECEPTIONIST:
I'll just let him know that you're here. (reaches for phone)
GUS:
No, no need, Doris. (walks back to desk) It's my birthday. Surprise! (taps SHAWN on the back as he heads for the door)
SHAWN:
You still need a seven right there.
GUS:
Billy?
SHAWN goes with GUS.
INT. PARKER EXPORTS, WAREHOUSE, DAY
SHAWN and GUS enter the large warehouse.
SHAWN:
It's your birthday? That's your sales reptitude?
GUS:
It comes in all flavors, Shawn.
SHAWN:
Is “suck” a flavor? (gasps when he sees a lidded urn) Dude! The world's very first crock-pot.
PARKER rides up on a forklift and SHAWN smiles and waves.
PARKER:
What the hell are you guys doing here?
SHAWN:
Mr. Parker! It's me, Shawn Spencer. I'm the newest Monarch, remember?
PARKER stops the forklift and gets off the vehicle.
PARKER:
Yeah, I remember. So what the hell are you guys doing wandering around my warehouse?
SHAWN:
This is my very good friend Gus. He's looking to join the Monarch Lodge too. I thought maybe you could make that happen. You know, haze him a little bit. Soak his hand in warm water while he's sleeping, that sort of thing. Do you have any sheep here? (looks around)
PARKER:
This is not the Lodge. This is my place of business. And the fact that you slid into membership on the coat tails of your turncoat dad, that doesn't guarantee any favors from me. Now I'm through talking to you nicely. I want you to turn around and get the hell out of here. Right now!
As PARKER talks, SHAWN looks around and notices the airport codes on the box shipping labels. SHAWN and GUS turn around and head for the exit.
SHAWN:
I'm surprised he didn't say "Good day”.
PARKER:
What's that?
SHAWN:
I said good day!
GUS grabs SHAWN by the arm and pulls him from the room as PARKER watches them leave.
EXT. PARKER EXPORTS, ENTRANCE, DAY
SHAWN and GUS walk out of the building.
SHAWN:
Dude, did you see those shipping crates? CCI, AIF, XAP. Those are airport codes, all Brazilian.
GUS:
Brazilian airport codes? How do you know that?
SHAWN:
I lived in an airport for a month, Gus.
GUS:
That was Tom Hanks in The Terminal.
SHAWN:
Same difference. We need to talk to Lassiter.
GUS:
No, you need to talk to Lassiter. I'll drop you off.
SHAWN:
Where are you going?
GUS:
I have appointments with four new clients. And product doesn't sell itself.
SHAWN:
Man!
INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY
SHAWN walks into the station and sees LASSITER in the hall.
SHAWN:
Lassie?
LASSITER:
Anything?
SHAWN:
(walks over to LASSITER) Well, I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is we found a pretty solid suspect on the Holmstrom murder.
LASSITER:
Finally. Well, who is it? Let's go get him.
SHAWN:
That's the bad news.
JULIET brings PARKER into the station.
PARKER:
That is ridiculous! Who's in charge here, huh? I'll tell you this, I better be home for dinner! Heads are gonna roll, that's all I got to say! Heads are gonna roll!
LASSITER watches, mouth agape.
LASSITER:
Oh, no. (puts hand on column) Do not go down that road.
SHAWN:
Look, I'm not happy about this either, Lassie. Now that I've joined the Lodge, that makes your father-in-law my brother. Which makes me your uncle, in-law. It's gonna get especially awkward around the holidays.
LASSITER:
Spencer, you can't seriously suspect Parker.
SHAWN:
Unfortunately, it sort of checks out. If it was venom that killed Holmstrom, it came from a snake that only slithers in a region where Parker does half his business.
LASSITER leans back against the column as JULIET joins them.
JULIET:
He's in Room A. Who's going to question him?
LASSITER:
I will.
JULIET:
Carlton, do you really think this is a good idea? You're related. It's against department policy. You could wind up…
LASSITER:
O'Hara, quiet. I'm gonna handle it. Don't you dare tell the Chief. I can't believe this is happening.
The phone on LASSITER’S desk rings and JULIET answers it.
JULIET:
Lassiter's desk. (holds receiver to her shoulder) It's your wife. I mean your ex-wife.
LASSITER:
(takes phone) Hey! Yeah, well, it seems that Irving is kind of a… Well, he's a murder suspect. Yes. No, this is not because I want the barbecue. I already gave you the golf clubs.
SHAWN and JULIET walk away giving LASSITER some privacy.
SHAWN:
So how'd he go?
JULIET:
Not quietly.
SHAWN:
(nods to LASSITER) You ever meet his wife?
JULIET:
No, and if she's anything like her dad, I don't want to.
LASSITER:
Okay. (hangs up phone and walks over)
SHAWN:
(whispers) Seems scared.
LASSITER:
O'Hara, please go down to the room. I'll be down in a minute.
JULIET leaves.
LASSITER:
(walks with SHAWN down the hall, hand on his shoulder) Spencer, I want you to listen to me, and listen closely. I know Irving Parker very well, and he wouldn't kill anyone. Sure, he might hobble their spirit and crush their soul and dance in the flaming ashes of their broken marriage, which he had a part in ending, but he wouldn't kill anyone.
They stop at the top of the stairs.
SHAWN:
Look, he's the only suspect we have. He tried to hate me to death. I know it's circumstantial, but in a pretty bad way.
LASSITER:
I know, and I'm going to go treat him just as I would any other suspect. But I think Holmstrom's murderer is still out there. Just... just workshop it. Do whatever it is you do, because at the end of the day, it absolutely cannot be him. (continues on)
SHAWN:
"Workshop it"?
INT. SBPD, OBSERVATION ROOM, DAY
LASSITER walks in and watches through the mirror as PARKER talks with JULIET. PARKER suddenly stops and looks straight at LASSITER even though he can’t see him. LASSITER swallows. He then gathers himself and heads for the door.
INT. PSYCH, DAY
SHAWN is at his clear board looking at the “did its” and “not did its” for PARKER being the suspect. He counts the “did its”.
SHAWN:
…four, five, six, seven, eight…
He moves over to the “not did its” which is a blank column. He caps his pen.
SHAWN:
I don't know if reverse engineering the case was such a good idea. "Did its" won 12-zip.
GUS:
But Lassiter said he was sure that Parker's not our guy.
SHAWN:
Well, the board seems to disagree vehemently.
GUS:
Fine, then let's move away from him, and check out the other Lodge members. What do we know about Holmstrom?
SHAWN:
Holmstrom! We know he's dead. That's a good start.
GUS:
I'm serious, Shawn. I was in that lodge making contacts.
SHAWN:
I know. You have sales reptitude. Now can we please retire that expression? Throw it a party, put it on Medicare, it's just not working anymore.
GUS:
No, Shawn, what I'm saying is those other Lodge members were hardly overwhelmed with grief. Even as Holmstrom lay on the floor, I was shamelessly moving my product, and no one seemed to think anything of it. I'd say Holmstrom had some enemies.
SHAWN:
Well, we gotta figure out who they are.
GUS:
And how do we do that?
SHAWN:
(checks watch) Ooh! There's something much more important we have to do first.
SHAWN heads for the door and GUS follows.
INT. MONARCH LODGE, ART STUDIO, DAY
SHAWN is sitting on a stool in a suit jacket, dress shirt and tie as he has his portrait painted.
SHAWN:
Tobias, I've heard the canvas adds ten pounds. Is that accurate? Maybe you could paint some angry tigers or a puma laying prostrate at my feet.
TOBIAS:
This is a portrait of your head.
GUS:
I thought we were here to find something about Holmstrom.
SHAWN:
We are. This is for posterity. Don't worry, you're next.
TOBIAS:
He doesn't get one. He's not a member yet.
SHAWN:
Maybe we could paint him in the background of mine. Put his head in the puma's mouth.
GUS:
You're going to ignore that.
SHAWN:
Hey, why did they take Arthur Holmstrom's painting down so quickly?
TOBIAS:
All of his things were taken over to his house.
EXT. HOLMSTROM’S HOUSE, NIGHT
GUS and SHAWN peer out from behind bushes before running across the lawn to the front door. They leap over the small row of bushes lining the walk causing lights to come on. They leap back onto the lawn and the lights go off.
SHAWN:
(puts finger to lips) Shh, shh. Do it lightly.
They jump over the hedges and the lights come on again. They jump back onto the lawn. SHAWN then points to the side of the walk that will keep them away from the lights.
INT. HOLMSTROM’S HOUSE, FRONT HALL, NIGHT
SHAWN and GUS work on opening the front door.
SHAWN:
(muffled whisper) Come on!
GUS:
(muffled whisper) Oh, now you’re gonna act like you’re gonna open up the door?
SHAWN opens the door and enters.
SHAWN:
Say what you will about credit cards and paper clips, sometimes a door just needs to be owned. (holds up a screwdriver)
GUS:
That's a screwdriver, Shawn. (shuts the door)
SHAWN:
Screwdrivers, too.
GUS:
I think it was unlocked.
SHAWN:
It was not unlocked. (starts up the stairs)
GUS:
I think it was.
SHAWN:
The door was most definitely not unlocked.
GUS shushes him.
SHAWN:
Gus, the man was a widower. Nobody's here.
GUS:
Why don't you let me use my new contacts to get the information?
INT. HOLMSTROM’S HOUSE, OFFICE, NIGHT
SHAWN and GUS enter the room and GUS switches on the lights.
SHAWN:
Is that how we do things, Gus, really? Why talk to someone about Holmstrom when we could have his home office tell us everything we need to know? (walks around the room) His hopes, his dreams. (turns around a framed photo of a woman on the desk) His love for the ladies.
GUS looks at other photos on the mantel.
GUS:
I think that's his wife.
SHAWN:
Fact, people lie. (swings about statue) Stuff doesn't. (puts statue down)
They hear a rattling and look to the door.
GUS:
Did you lock the front door?
SHAWN:
Yes, I locked the door!
GUS:
I don't think it was locked.
SHAWN:
I know I locked the door!
Glass shatters.
SHAWN:
You see that? They had to break a window. Burn!
They scurry for hiding places. GUS curls up on a chair as SHAWN stands in the corner by the fireplace and holds a bellows in front of his face.
GUS:
No!
SHAWN puts down the bellows and steps into the fireplace, spreading his arms out across the mantel. GUS goes to the same corner by the file cabinets and uses the bellows.
SHAWN:
I just tried that.
GUS:
Well, I did it in a different spot, Shawn!
They hear footsteps in the hallway. GUS switches off the lights.
SHAWN:
He's coming, he's coming, coming, coming! (drops to the floor spread-eagle)
GUS:
Shh, shh! (runs into SHAWN’S leg)
SHAWN:
Ow!
GUS:
Shh! Watch out!
GUS kicks SHAWN and he gets up.
INT. HOLMSTROM’S HOUSE, FRONT HALL, NIGHT
The intruder comes up the stairs.
INT. HOLMSTROM’S HOUSE, OFFICE, NIGHT
SHAWN looks around nervously before diving under the desk. The door opens and the figure comes in with a flashlight. As he walks past the desk, we see SHAWN and GUS tangled up underneath. SHAWN watches as the intruder looks through the files, throwing them to the floor as well as rifling through books on the shelves.
SHAWN:
(whispers) People breaking into offices. No one respects anything anymore.
GUS shushes SHAWN and he shushes back, actually reaching out a finger to press against GUS’ lips. GUS slaps his hand away. SHAWN notices a speck on one of the man’s shoes. Frustrated in his search, the man throws a file onto the floor close to the desk. GUS moves his foot, pinching SHAWN’s hand and he grimaces. He reacts by moving his leg. GUS moves again, kicking SHAWN in the shoulder.
SHAWN:
Ow!
The intruder leaves the office.
SHAWN:
My God, did you see who that was?
GUS:
It's hard to see anything with someone's knee in your eye.
SHAWN:
It's your own knee.
GUS:
Get out of here!
They crawl out and stand up with a few grunts. GUS turns on the lights as SHAWN looks around.
SHAWN:
Whoa! Look at this place. Whoever was here wasn't invited either.
Behind SHAWN, GUS sees a safe hidden behind the bookshelf.
GUS:
A secret safe.
SHAWN:
(looks at safe before looking back at GUS) Dude, you gotta get us in there.
GUS:
I can't get us in that safe, Shawn. That's a Martin 16.
SHAWN:
You're 36 months into a subscription to Modern Safecracker Magazine. What's the point?
GUS:
I'm an amateur, Shawn.
SHAWN:
Well, it's time to go pro, Fingers.
GUS:
Fingers?
SHAWN:
Twist it up.
GUS:
Watch out.
GUS pushes SHAWN out of the way and walks to the safe. He trips on debris on the floor. He stands in front of the safe and blows softly at it. He flaps his jacket back a couple of times as he prepares.
SHAWN:
Would you stop it!
GUS:
Shh! Now I've gotta start all over.
GUS then strikes a pose. His left arm is forward and his right hand is held back at eye-level. He then jabs his hand forward to the combination dial.
SHAWN:
This month would be good.
GUS:
Shh!
SHAWN looks around and sees a photo of Holmstrom’s wife from the fifties. She is wearing a tight-fitting glamorous dress that shows off her figure.
GUS:
(gives up) It's not happening, Shawn.
SHAWN:
Try 36-24-36.
GUS:
Are you serious?
SHAWN:
Just click it in gentle.
SHAWN watches as GUS tries the combination. It doesn’t work.
GUS:
That was a good idea. Now what?
SHAWN:
Huh, I really thought I nailed that.
GUS catches SHAWN looking at the photo and laughs.
GUS:
Shawn, you've really gotta work on your estimating skills. (works the combination) 36-24-38.
The safe opens.
SHAWN:
Dude! You're a safecracking machine!
GUS:
I know.
SHAWN:
Grab that.
GUS takes the ledgers from the safe and they open them side-by-side on the desk.
SHAWN:
All right, I've got $25,000 for Komputers for Kids. This one says 35,000. One of these books is a fraud. Dude, Holmstrom was skimming funds from the Lodge. And look, he's writing in some secret, ancient code.
GUS:
No, this isn't code, they're abbreviations. HX means “history”, QD means “every day”, C means “and”. Deposit history, follow up with accounts every day, transfer and withdrawals.
SHAWN:
You're telling me you can read this?
GUS:
Of course I can. This is doctor's shorthand. And this is doctor's handwriting. See these sticky notes? Holmstrom wrote these. He wasn't skimming, he figured out who was.
SHAWN:
One of the doctors is cooking the books. How sure are you?
GUS:
85, 86%.
SHAWN:
We've gone on much less.
INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION ROOM A, NIGHT
LASSITER has his jacket off and sits at the head of the table. PARKER sits at the side, arms crossed.
LASSITER:
Look, Irving, it's been four hours.
PARKER:
Is that all? You know, Carlton, it may be the rage talking, but if I had it to do over again, the day my Tory came home with you, I would have told her to go right back out that door and come back alone. That's what I should have done.
As PARKER talks, LASSITER rubs his head like he’s getting a migraine. Finally, he’s had enough and stands up in a rush and leans over the table at PARKER.
LASSITER:
All right, Irving, that's enough! Now, I loved Victoria, and because she loved you, I let it slide that you're a pain in the ass. But you're at my table now, and around here, we call someone like you a hostile witness. It's a good way to get yourself locked up. I can make your life a living hell, so you better give me the respect I deserve. And I suggest you cut the crap, clear? I want a straight answer, and I want it immediately. (sits) How did Arthur Holmstrom advance to the Highmost Patriarch when you were the next in line?
PARKER:
Well, I don't know how Art convinced the other guys. He asked me, and I said it was okay. He was a friend of mine, and he had health problems. He was getting worse. And I gave him the only chance he'd probably ever get. Now, as for the snake business, I haven't traveled abroad in over three years. I haven't been out of the country since you got married. Doctor's orders. Are we done? (makes to stand)
LASSITER:
We're done when I say we're done! (pause) We're done. You can go.
PARKER gets up and walks to the door.
EXT. STREET, DAY
SHAWN stands next to the Echo as GUS takes his case from the back.
SHAWN:
We've been to four doctors' offices. None of the handwriting matches the books. Plus, I probably caught something from somebody, and I'm tired of reading Highlights for Children. They always hide the apple in the bike.
They start walking towards the office.
GUS:
Can you man up, Shawn? Is that possible? I'm on an unbelievable hot streak right now, and I'm not about to ruin it.
SHAWN:
It's good to know that moving oozing infection gel is more important than finding a killer. Hey, maybe we could park on a steeper incline next time. My quads aren't burning enough.
INT. MEDICAL CENTER, RECEPTION, DAY
SHAWN looks around seeing a number of photos on the wall from Third World countries. As the RECEPTIONIST comes out, SHAWN ducks down.
RECEPTIONIST:
Tell Heather to call back tomorrow.
SHAWN smacks GUS on the leg.
RECEPTIONIST:
(sees GUS) Yes?
SHAWN smacks GUS again, moving him towards the entrance to the offices. GUS walks around the desk, giving SHAWN a clear path as he distracts the RECEPTIONIST.
GUS:
Good afternoon. I'm Burton Guster, with Central Coast Pharmaceuticals.
RECEPTIONIST:
We're closed.
INT. MEDICAL CENTER, HALL, DAY
SHAWN sneaks down the hall and into DOWNS’ examination room.
INT. MEDICAL CENTER, RECEPTION, DAY
GUS:
Yes, well, I'm here to drop off some product to Dr. Downs. He's a brother of mine.
The RECEPTIONIST stares at him.
INT. MEDICAL CENTER, EXAM ROOM, DAY
SHAWN looks through a medicine cabinet and finds gloves with a very unique pattern. He remembers seeing the same pattern imprinted on DOWNS’ arm when he shook hands with GUS. He closes the cabinet door and heads for the hall, stubbing his toe as he peers out into the hall.
SHAWN:
Ow!
INT. MEDICAL CENTER, HALL, DAY
SHAWN staggers into the hall in agony. Realizing someone might come looking, he ducks into another room.
INT. MEDICAL CENTER, RECEPTION, DAY
RECEPTIONIST:
He isn't here at...(looks down the hall)
GUS:
Well, he was expecting me.
RECEPTIONIST:
You can leave your card.(holds out her hand)
INT. MEDICAL CENTER, HALL, DAY
SHAWN steps onto a scale and is going to weigh himself before changing his mind. He steps off and sees a framed article on the wall for a powdered vaccine. He peers back down the hall to see if it’s clear.
INT. MEDICAL CENTER, RECEPTION, DAY
GUS:
I just thought I'd drop by and pay him a birthday visit. It's my birthday, the big two-nine. Remember that one?
RECEPTIONIST:
(glares) I'm 26. (sits)
GUS:
Really?
GUS looks down the hall and sees SHAWN stick his head out, holding an African mask in front of his face. He points at GUS and ducks into another room.
GUS:
Uh, so, will Dr. Downs be here later?
RECEPTIONIST:
(stands and snatches card from his hand) I will make sure he gets this. (walks away)
INT. MEDICAL CENTER, OFFICE, DAY
SHAWN searches DOWNS’ office and sees that the writing on the desk calendar matches that from the ledgers. He heads for the door but hides behind frosted glass as the RECEPTIONIST strides down the hall. He runs out as soon as she passes.
EXT. STREET, DAY
GUS is waiting by the car as SHAWN runs out.
SHAWN:
Dude! I just solved it. Call Lassie.
They get in the car.
INT. LASSITER’S CAR, DAY
JULIET answers her phone.
JULIET:
O'Hara. Right. (turns to LASSITER) 13850 Granada.
She barely closes her phone before LASSITER is speeding down the street, siren wailing.
INT. MONARCH LODGE, MAIN ROOM, DAY
The members are gathered in a circle, PARKER on the throne in the robes of the Highmost Patriarch.
DOWNS:
(makes toast) To absent friends.
MEMBERS:
To absent friends.
SHAWN and GUS enter the room.
SHAWN:
Absent friends? Like Arthur Holmstrom?
DOWNS:
What?
SHAWN:
(walks to the center of the circle) My sweet violet brothers, we congregate here today in the flesh, not only to recognize our new Highmost Patriarch, Irv Parker, but also to bear witness, along with the magic head of Gus, the wisdom of Baum (looks up at owl hanging from the ceiling) and that... (looks at ferret on the mantle) That stuffed creature. Arthur Holmstrom was murdered. (turns slowly in a circle and points) Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck... goose! (pulls down DOWNS’ hood) Dr. Roger Downs, entrusted with the proceeds of charity activities, was funneling funds into his own pocket and covering his tracks by using a dummy accounting ledger. Now, when Holmstrom discovered the corruption, he confronted downs and made a play for the Highmost Patriarch position. In exchange for his silence, Holmstrom got what he wanted. But Downs still couldn't chance getting caught. And so he killed his own Lodge brother right here on the eye of Hathor in the middle of the Lodge. And this is the murder weapon.
JULIET and LASSITER arrive and push their way through.
DOWNS:
How dare you accuse me? I am a respected officer of this Lodge.
SHAWN:
(sees speck on DOWNS’ shoe) By the shores of Gitchagoomee, I can see you in the house, frantically searching for the ledgers that Holmstrom kept securely stored in his safe, ironically, to keep you good to your word.
DOWNS:
(chuckles nervously) Arthur Holmstrom's death was, unfortunate, but I had nothing to do with it.
SHAWN throws the cloth shroud to LASSITER.
SHAWN:
Check it out, Lassie. I'm quite certain you'll find traces of a powdered form of the venom of the Brazilian vine snake, native to Brazil. It's part of an anti-venom that Dr. Downs uses in his charitable work abroad. Who knew that in small doses it acts as a vaccine, while larger doses are absolutely lethal?
Various members raise their hands and say “I did”.
SHAWN:
Really?
DOWNS:
This is absurd! Holmstrom died of natural causes.
SHAWN:
By the halls of Montezuma, I see you taking great care to put on protective gloves while lining the inside of the hood with the powder for Holmstrom's Patriarch ceremony, making it deadly venomous. The poor old man's head and face never stood a chance. Not too keen on the Hippocratic Oath, are we, Rog?
DOWNS:
(walks up to SHAWN) I have nothing to say. Speak to my lawyer.
DOWNS starts to walk away but JULIET stops him.
JULIET:
Hold it right there, Dr. Downs. You're under arrest.
Uniformed officers cuff DOWNS.
SHAWN:
And none of this, your Highmost, would have been discovered without the intrepid police work of one Detective Carlton Lassiter, Santa Barbara Police Department's own Highmost Patriarch.
As SHAWN walks past LASSITER, he slaps him on the rear. He goes over to GUS and they fist-bump before leaving.
PARKER:
Nice collar, Detective.
LASSITER:
It's all in a day's work, Irving.
PARKER:
(steps down from throne) You may not be my son-in-law much longer, but I'm thinking you might be a Monarch yet.
The members applaud and LASSITER looks around in surprise.
INT. PSYCH, DAY
SHAWN is sitting at his desk when HENRY comes in.
HENRY:
(knocks) Hey! You ready to go?
SHAWN:
What could you possibly mean by that?
HENRY:
Our big weekend, remember? I cancelled, I felt bad. So I just thought we'd go this weekend.
SHAWN:
Ooh, Dad, I wish you'd given me a little bit of advance notice. I'm... I'm swamped here.
HENRY looks at the screen and sees SHAWN is playing Tetris.
HENRY:
Yeah, right. All right, look, I'm gonna go. You want to come along, you're welcome. (walks away)
SHAWN:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Dad, wait a second. There's still something that doesn't make any sense to me. (stands) Why did you leave the Lodge?
HENRY:
Look, Shawn, it's not important, let it go.
SHAWN:
Come on, you big liar. Throw a little truth on the barbie, see if it stinks.
HENRY:
What are you talking about?
SHAWN:
I'm talking about man candor. Let's have some.
HENRY:
All right, all right, you want some man candor. You want the truth? My marriage was falling apart, and I made a choice. I stopped caring about the Lodge, because I realized the only real membership that mattered was family. There.
SHAWN:
Family? (laughs) You really expect me to believe that?
The sound of hammering comes from the outer office.
HENRY:
What the hell is that?
SHAWN:
This you gotta see.
HENRY follows SHAWN to the outer office where GUS has hung both SHAWN and HENRY’S Lodge portraits.
GUS:
Nice addition, don't you think?
SHAWN:
We grabbed 'em on our way out of the Lodge.
HENRY:
Way out?
SHAWN:
Yeah, Gus and I decided we didn't want to belong to a club that would have Lassiter as a member. You can have yours if you want it.
HENRY:
Nah. No, I think it should stay right where it is. That way I can always keep an eye on you.