Transcript: 2x13 Lights, Camera....Homicidio

[jpgr]

1987

INT. SPENCER HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, DAY

HENRY is sitting on the couch watching a soap opera.

ACTOR:
You look luminous right now.

ACTRESS:
If you're quiet, you can hear the horses sleeping.

ACTOR:
I cannot. It sounds like nothing to me.

SHAWN walks up.

SHAWN:
Dad? What are you watching?

HENRY:
Nothing, Shawn. It's your mom's stupid soap opera. She left it on. I wasn't watching at all. I was taking a nap, actually.

SHAWN:
(sits on the couch) Do you sleep with your eyes wide open?

HENRY:
Okay, Shawn, yes, maybe I was half-watching. Not because I like it, but because it's educational. Pay close attention, you might learn a little something too.

ACTOR:
I had a vasectomy two years ago.

SHAWN:
That Logan is probably cheating on Skye?

HENRY:
No, Shawn, I'm talking about sharpening your skills. Look, watch her closely. Tell me what you see.

SHAWN looks at the TV and sees the ACTRESS looking up, light reflected in her eyes.

SHAWN:
She's looking into the light.

HENRY:
(snaps fingers) Bingo. Looking directly into the lights makes her eyes tear up, she cries. Seen perps do it all the time in the interrogation room.

SHAWN:
So acting's really just a lie?

HENRY:
Of course, Shawn. What, you think those goofballs on CHiPs are really cops?

SHAWN:
Wow, anything else you wanna ruin for me? (walks away)

PRESENT DAY

EXT. TV STUDIO LOT, DAY

SHAWN is behind the wheel of a golf cart, driving GUS around the lot.

GUS:
I don't think we're allowed to be on one of these things, Shawn.

SHAWN:
If they didn't want us to drive it, why did they leave the key sunder the seat?

GUS:
This is not how I wanna be spending my Saturday morning.

SHAWN:
Dude, Lassie called, man. He called us. Us, the team! Besides, this is a real, live television studio, Gus. What could be better?

GUS:
Eating my breakfast. I was having a poached egg with Hollandaise sauce on an English muffin.

SHAWN:
Look, we'll solve it up quick. You'll be back home in no time. (puts phone to his ear) Hello? (closes phone) Dame Judi Dench called. She wants her breakfast back.

GUS:
Did you just do the “Somebody Called and Wants Their Something Back” bit?

SHAWN:
Look around, Gus. These are my people.

GUS:
Who are your people?

SHAWN:
These people. Artists, thinkers, dreamers, guys dressed as toast. Now, if I were a crime scene, where would I be? Here I am.

SHAWN pulls up to a set with an ambulance and police car outside.

INT. TV STUDIO, SET, DAY

SHAWN and GUS walk onto a set that is gaudily decorated in purple and gold, made to look like a wealthy home. There is a dead body on the floor and JULIET and LASSITER are interviewing witnesses.

GUS:
Hey, I know this place. This is Corrine's living room.

SHAWN:
Who the hell is Corrine?

GUS:
It's the living room from Explosion Gigantesca de Romance.

SHAWN:
What are you saying?

GUS:
It's a Spanish soap opera, Shawn.

SHAWN:
How do you know that? Who are you? What happened to my best friend?

GUS:
Oh, my gosh! Lassiter’s talking to Jorge Gama-Lobo. He plays Vicente on the show. He's my favorite. He slept with Mariana at his own mother's funeral, Shawn.

SHAWN:
What the...

GUS:
It's on in every doctor's office I visit. I had no choice but to get sucked in.

SHAWN:
You had a choice. You still have a choice. Who's the dead guy?

GUS:
That's Rinaldo Nuñez. He played Ernesto on the show. He used to be married to Corrine.

SHAWN:
I'm sorry, dude. I can't believe you actually watch this show. It's in Spanish.

GUS:
Everyone in Santa Barbara is watching it, Shawn. The telenovela is a craze.

SHAWN sees very distinctive underwear on the dead man, visible above the trousers. GUS takes SHAWN by the arm and pulls him forward towards the detectives.

GUS:
Okay, whatever this case is, I want in on it. And I don't care how you do it.

LASSITER:
(sarcastic) Spencer, thank God you're here. (normal) Now go home. We don't need you. O'Hara jumped the gun. This thing's pretty much open and shut. (walks away)

SHAWN:
Jules, if you want to spend more time with me, you don't have to trump up some case. You just pick up the phone, give me a call, say "Shawn, I'm here, I've got pudding pops."

JULIET:
(walks over) I'll keep that in mind. Fact is, we have tape of Mr. Gama-Lobo here actually stabbing the victim on camera.

JULIET motions to a monitor behind them and GUS and SHAWN turn around to watch. The scene shows JORGE stabbing Nuñez in character.

JORGE:
Will someone listen to me, please? For the last time, I had no idea the collapsible prop knife had been replaced with the real one.

JULIET looks at SHAWN and GUS as if to say “Can you believe this guy?” and walks away.

GUS:
I believe him.

SHAWN:
He's your favorite actor? Really? That felt a little forced to me.

Forensics hands an evidence bag to LASSITER with the weapon. SHAWN sees what appears to be a hair inside.

LASSITER:
Spencer, why are you still here? I told you to run along. Ta-ta. (waves him off)

GUS:
(nudges SHAWN) Hurry up. Ask a question that proves there's more here than meets the eye. Go. (nudges him again)

SHAWN:
I have a question!

The WOMAN with craft services walks past with a trolley of sandwiches.

SHAWN:
Are those delicious looking sandwiches for everybody?

WOMAN:
Yes, for everyone working on the stage here.

SHAWN:
Thank you.

GUS:
That's it? That's your question?

SHAWN:
Follow up question! Do you have salami?

WOMAN:
Not by itself, no, but as part of another sandwich with other Italian meats.

SHAWN:
Hmm. That's interesting. I like that very much.

LASSITER:
All right, everybody, let's bag and wrap this up. Sir, you're gonna need to come with us for some more questions.

JULIET takes JORGE’S arm and helps him stand.

JORGE:
Help me, please, whoever you are.

JULIET and LASSITER escort JORGE from the set.

GUS:
Unbelievable, Shawn. I ask for one case. One case and you couldn't get us in on it.

SHAWN:
Dude, I'm sorry. There's no case here. Lassie's actually right. Your boy stabbed some dude on camera in front of everybody. (replays the stabbing on the monitor) Look… (sees the look on JORGE’S face) Uh-oh.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
There's no tells.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
Look at the moment when the knife goes into Nuñez.

GUS:
It looks like it hurts.

SHAWN:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But look there. Gama-Lobo's face. He doesn't look angry, he looks frightened. More importantly, he looks surprised. That is not the face of a premeditated killer.

GUS:
So what does that mean?

SHAWN:
I think it means we have a case.

GUS:
Yes!

SHAWN:
A big fat double-stuffed chalupa of a case with guacamole.

GUS:
Yes! (punches SHAWN in the chest before hurrying away)

SHAWN:
(holds a hand to his chest as he straightens) That's too hard!

**********************************************************************

PSYCH

“Lights, Camera…Homicidio”
By
Andy Berman

STARRING:
James Roday
Dulé Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
Kirsten Nelson
And
Corbin Bernsen

DIRECTOR
Matt Shakman

**********************************************************************

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY

SHAWN is re-enacting the crime, using GUS as the victim.

SHAWN:
(fake Spanish accent) I hate you, Ernesto! Die!

SHAWN “stabs” GUS in the chest but GUS only looks down at his hand.

SHAWN:
Come on, dude! I'm stabbing you in the heart! Give me something to work with here!

VICK:
Okay, look, that's a very interesting theory, Mr. Spencer, but the tape is pretty damning evidence.

SHAWN:
Chief, all due respect, he'd have to be the worst criminal of all time.

LASSITER:
Or the smartest. Of course he's gonna claim he didn't know the knife was switched.

JULIET:
Aren't we getting ahead of ourselves? Mr. Gama-Lobo isn't under arrest.

LASSITER:
Yet.

JULIET:
The producers have just temporarily suspended him from the show.

GUS:
They pulled him off the show?

VICK:
Temporarily, until more progress is made in the investigation.

GUS:
But you can't do that. He's right in the middle of an important love triangle with Corrine. And we haven't even found out whether Serena's baby is his or not.

The others look at GUS after his impassioned speech.

GUS:
What I meant to say was, the man is an actor on a television program. It is his job, his livelihood. You can't just take away a man's means to sustain himself, to put food on the table. (whispers to SHAWN) I need to know if that baby's his.

SHAWN:
I have just one question.

GUS:
If this is about food, I'm telling you right now, I will not be a happy man.

SHAWN:
How do you explain the hair on the knife?

VICK:
The what?

SHAWN:
I am sensing there was a long hair in the evidence bag. A woman's hair, perhaps belonging to a Ted Nugent impersonator. But one thing is certain, it didn't come from the head of Mr. Gama-Lobo.

VICK:
Um, was there a hair in the bag?

JULIET:
Actually, there was. We haven't run it through the lab yet.

VICK:
Why not?

LASSITER:
Because, Chief, we feel the most damning piece of evidence that tape. The hair could have come from anywhere. The evidence guy who bagged it.

VICK:
Officer Henze is bald, Detective.

They look out the window into the bullpen and see the officer in question.

SHAWN:
I am sensing that the owner of that hair is our killer. Chief, you give us one day. One day! And you have our word, we'll make sure this blatant departmental screw-up doesn't bring down the entire Santa Barbara police world, universe, galaxy.

VICK:
One day.

SHAWN claps his hands.

INT. TV STUDIO, SET, DAY

SHAWN and GUS stride onto the set with purpose.

SHAWN:
But the best news is, now that we're officially on the case, we have craft service privileges, (picks up a paper cup) which means all the gummy bears (reaches into a tub of candy) and Poppycock we can jam in our bellies.

GUS:
(pulls SHAWN away from the food) But we only have one day to eat them. Let's get to work, Shawn. That's Lance Rothstein. Let's start with him. He's the head writer on the show. I saw his picture once in Soap Diary magazine.

SHAWN:
Head writer? He's not even Spanish.

GUS:
No, he was a Hollywood guy, used to write on Blossom. Decided Spanish soap operas were a better reflection of the human condition.

SHAWN:
Obviously he didn't write the Blossom where she adopted a chimp and hit the road in an 18-wheeler.

They walk over to LANCE who is sitting on a chair talking with a PA.

GUS:
That was BJ and the Bear, Shawn.

LANCE:
No! You tell them that line is cut. Don't listen to them, they're actors.

The PA leaves.

SHAWN:
Floyd Rothstein.

GUS:
(whispers) Lance.

SHAWN:
Lance Rothstein. You have a moment? We're big fans.

LANCE:
No, I don't have a moment. I don't mean to be rude. (stands) You have a head shot, just drop it off in the casting department right off the lobby. (picks up a cup of gummy bears) All right? (starts to walk away)

GUS:
No, sir, we're not actors.

SHAWN and GUS follow LANCE.

LANCE:
You're not?

SHAWN:
Furthest thing from it. I'm a psychic.

LANCE:
Well, I’m really, not interested in getting my fortune told, Mr..?

SHAWN:
Spencer. Shawn Spencer. This is my partner, Lavender Gooms. We're here with the police investigating the Nuñez case.

They stop walking.

GUS:
Mr. Rothstein, I'm Burton Guster. We were here yesterday at the crime scene, and we know that Jorge Gama-Lobo was not responsible for the death of Rinaldo Nuñez.

LANCE:
He wasn't?

GUS:
No.

LANCE:
Shocking! I know that. And I don't work with crystal balls. (puts down cup, clears throat and walks away)

SHAWN:
Make a note, I just let that go. It would have been way too easy.

SHAWN and GUS follow LANCE.

INT. TV STUDIO, HALL, DAY

LANCE:
Yeah, look, while we're talking here, a murderer is wandering around loose on my set, which is not comforting for someone with my weak constitution. I already have hereditary angina and shin splints. (stops and looks at SHAWN) Listen, are you sure that you are not an actor? Because you really do have a certain look.

GUS:
What? A shallow look?

LANCE:
(looks at watch and turns to leave) No, I have to go.

SHAWN:
Whoa, I still have some more questions.

LANCE:
Look, if I do not shoot this scene right now, then later in the week, we're gonna be doing this show live. Why don't you find me later on the set, all right? (turns to go)

SHAWN:
Okay, but what would really be helpful right now is if you just gave us Mr. Gama-Lobo's home address so that we could go there and interview him.

LANCE:
That is not necessary. The man has been doing this show eight years. His wife left him. This is his home address. (points to dressing room and leaves)

SHAWN walks over to the door and knocks on the frosted glass.

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

LASSITER strides through the station, JULIET at his side.

LASSITER:
“I'm sensing a hair in the evidence baggie.” Man, it just irks me!

JULIET:
I still think we should bring in some of other cast members for questioning.

LASSITER:
Here's the thing, O'Hara. It's not that complicated. Motivation, opportunity, execution. With Nuñez out of the picture, Jorge's role on the show gets larger. Motivation. (snaps fingers) Knowing in advance that it's scripted that he would stab Nuñez presents opportunity.

INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY

LASSITER:
The fact that he was unmistakably caught on film actually stabbing the victim? Hello? Execution. Soon as we get those lab results back, we'll be done... (stops at front desk and takes file from officer) Thank you.

JULIET looks across to the opposite counter and sees a young female officer signing some paperwork.

JULIET:
Who's that?

LASSITER:
Pascaretti, Penny. A newbie. Just transferred in from the 302 out of Oakland.

JULIET:
It's about time. We could use some new blood.

LASSITER:
I hate new blood.

JULIET:
Of course you do. I welcome it, especially new female blood. It gets lonely here in this sea of testosterone.

LASSITER:
Well, you go right ahead, knock yourself out, make a new friend. Maybe you could have a little tea party, braid each other's hair for all I care.

JULIET shakes her head and walks around the desk to talk with PENNY.

JULIET:
Hello, I'm Detective O'Hara, but you can call me Juliet. (holds out hand but PENNY doesn’t) Anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself, and welcome you here, and let you know if you need any help with anything, don't hesitate to ask.

PENNY:
Does it look like I don't know how to write my own name and badge number?

LASSITER looks away and JULIET walks back around to him. They walk back down the hall.

LASSITER:
BFFs? Best friends forever?

JULIET:
Shut up, Lassiter.

INT. TV STUDIO, JORGE’S DRESSING ROOM, DAY

JORGE is packing things in boxes.

SHAWN:
Mr. Gama-Lobo, we just have a few questions for you.

JORGE:
(sits) Call me Jorge, please.

SHAWN:
Jorge? (laughs) Come on, that's a little silly. (GUS jabs him and he clears his throat) That's your name. That's cool. We know you didn't do it.

JORGE:
You do?

SHAWN:
We think you were framed.

JORGE:
Oh! (stands) This is music to my earlobes. Do you have questions for me?

GUS:
Yes, we do. Do you know if Serena's baby is yours?

JORGE:
What?

GUS:
Serena's baby…

SHAWN:
Gus! I'm sorry. Are those meatballs from craft service?

There is a Styrofoam container in the trash with two meatballs.

JORGE:
Yes. Yes. Kelly knows they are my favorite. Usually I hunger for her meatballs the way a jackal salivates for an injured possum, but, sadly I have no appetite for them now.

SHAWN:
(whispers to GUS) Grab the one doesn't have a fork in it.

GUS:
Shawn.

SHAWN:
They're still steaming a little...

GUS jabs SHAWN with his elbow and SHAWN spins around and notices a family photo on the wall.

SHAWN:
Whoa! Who's this over here?

JORGE:
That is my family. Yes, they are all back in Mexico. I left them to do the show.

SHAWN:
Your brother?

JORGE:
It's my sister.

GUS:
No, he means this person right here. (points to woman in photo with slight mustache)

JORGE:
Yes, yes. It's my sister.

GUS:
No, he means this one. Right here. (points with both index fingers) Where my finger is.

JORGE:
Yes, yes. It's my sister.

SHAWN:
She is quite lovely, in a young Keith Hernandez sort of... You must miss them very much.

JORGE:
Yes.

SHAWN sees the frame of the photo was cracked and hastily repaired. He also sees a crack running across the wall towards a spot that was patched with spackle.

SHAWN:
Oh! (staggers with a “vision”) I sense violence. An altercation, here, in this room. (smacks the plastic head off a mannequin) Someone had something against you. Here!

JORGE:
Yes. Yes! Quintessa.

GUS:
Quintessa Gabrielle. She plays Corrine on the show. She is gorgeous.

JORGE:
You don't know her wrath. She hates me. She's like the Latina Susan Lucci. She beat me up.

GUS:
(scoffs) I hardly think there's woman capable of that.

SHAWN:
Bea Arthur.

GUS:
I stand corrected.

They hear shouts from outside and shattering glass.

SHAWN:
Excuse us.

SHAWN and GUS go into the hall.

INT. TV STUDIO, HALL, DAY

LANCE is standing outside of QUINTESSA’S dressing room.

LANCE:
Would you please just, just come out and talk to me?

QUINTESSA:
(muffled) Go away!

LANCE:
I promise you, I swear to you, I will change the line.

The dressing room door opens and we see QUINTESSA is a statuesque and buxom woman. SHAWN and GUS arrive.

LANCE:
I was misinformed. There's gotta be another Spanish word for nipple. Just tell me what it is.

QUINTESSA groans and throws a glass vase at him. LANCE ducks and it shatters against the wall. She calls him something in Spanish before striding away down the hall. LANCE straightens up and sees SHAWN and GUS watching.

LANCE:
Hi, how you doing? I'm just going to the writers' room where it's emotionally damaging, but it's physically safe. (walks past them)

SHAWN looks into QUINTESSA’S dressing room and sees underwear on the floor that matches those Nuñez had been wearing.

SHAWN:
Let's go after her. (starts to go after QUINTESSA)

GUS:
Whoa, whoa. (grabs SHAWN’S arms) Maybe now isn't the best time to approach her.

SHAWN:
You're right. We only have a day to solve the case. We should wait and hang out. (goes after QUINTESSA) I'll do the heavy lifting and charm her. You grab a piece of her hair.

GUS:
Grab a piece of her hair? Why?

SHAWN:
So we can compare it to the one on the murder weapon.

GUS:
How am I gonna grab a piece of her hair, Shawn?

EXT. TV STUDIO LOT, DAY

SHAWN and GUS hurry to catch up with QUINTESSA as she strides down the street.

QUINTESSA:
I don't know what else I can tell you. I told the policeman everything I know.

SHAWN:
Policeman?

Standing behind her, GUS reaches for her hair but she moves too quickly.

QUINTESSA:
Yes, the tall scurvy-like one with no rhythm.

GUS:
Detective Lassiter?

QUINTESSA:
Yes, that was his name. (brushes a hand against her hair)

SHAWN:
Were you and Rinaldo Nuñez close?

QUINTESSA:
Well, we were working together, but... but no, I didn't know him very well at all. I'm a professional.

GUS reaches for her hair again. He doesn’t get anything and makes a face.

SHAWN:
I see. Was he ever in your dressing room?

QUINTESSA:
I should say not! (stops)

SHAWN:
That's strange. (grabs her hands and holds them to his forehead before lowering them to his chest) I'm seeing him in your dressing room.

QUINTESSA:
(pulls her hands away) Are you a psychic or some kind of witch? Okay. So, maybe sometimes he came to my dressing room to rehearse lines or something…

SHAWN:
No, he's not running lines. He's holding a feather duster, dipping himself in pancake batter. And he's quite naked.

QUINTESSA:
Tú eres un brujo! (walks away)

SHAWN:
Okay, so she's definitely boinking Nuñez. Does that make her a suspect?

GUS:
Well, she did lie about it. Why?

SHAWN:
Well, he does wear bikini briefs.

GUS:
Oh. (holds up a strand)

SHAWN:
Sweet. (takes it and looks at it) Dude, this isn't a hair.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
It's just part of her scrunchy. Look! It's all elastic-y. It's got a piece of bedazzle in it. It's made out of yarn. Good work, buddy. Forget it, I'll figure out how to pluck one myself. I think we should split up. You hit the props department, see what you can find out about our weapon. I'm gonna pop into the stage and grill Lance about the Quintessa-Jorge relationship. (chuckles) Jorge.

They go in opposite directions.

INT. TV STUDIO, SET, DAY

The actress playing Serena comes down the stairs saying her lines. LANCE is sitting next to the DIRECTOR as they watch the monitors. SHAWN walks over and stands next to them.

DIRECTOR:
Camera two, push in. Hold it there. Go.

The doorbell rings as Serena walks to the door.

SHAWN:
So this is where all the magic happens?

DIRECTOR:
Yes. Smell the dream.

SHAWN:
(sniffs) Hey, can I ask you a question? I think...

LANCE:
Shh, shh.

SHAWN:
(whispers) I'm sorry. I'm just gonna watch.

On the set, a deliveryman named Chad has a package for Serena. As he delivers his lines, he keeps raising his eyebrows in an exaggerated fashion.

LANCE:
What the hell is he doing? What has he got? A twitch or something?

DIRECTOR:
I'm afraid that's called his acting.

LANCE:
He's only got a couple of lines. It's always the bit players.

SHAWN:
Is he flirting with her?

LANCE:
That was the idea.

SHAWN:
He should be more subtle than that, man. Like… You don't seduce a woman with your forehead and your Adam's apple. It's right here. (points to eyes) It's always been here. It doesn't start there, you know? I mean, (looks away from hand) you're over here and then... (turns back to look at fingers)

LANCE:
How would you do the line?

SHAWN:
Do... do what?

LANCE:
Just, you know. (tugs open SHAWN’S shirt)

SHAWN:
No, I can't, whoa, I just...

INT. PROP TRAILER, DAY

GUS is inside the cramped trailer with the PROP MASTER. He shows GUS the blades.

PROP:
Well, that's the thing. Jorge would never have known that the knife was real. The blades are virtually identical, actually. We build the prop as close to the specs of your average six-inch blade as we can.

GUS:
Mmm-mmm.

PROP:
I mean, we do that, obviously, for the look of the knife, but also it gives, like, a realistic feel for the actor, you know the size, the weight, the texture, so on.

GUS:
Ah.

PROP:
Here, you wanna hold it? (holds out knife) Go on, hold it.

GUS:
(takes knife) Huh. Feels real.

PROP:
But it's not. That's the fake one. See? The blade retracts, collapses right into the handle. (pushes on the blade)

GUS:
Ah.

PROP:
Hey, you wanna try it?

GUS:
No, I couldn't.

PROP:
Come on, stab me.

GUS:
No, really, I shouldn't.

PROP:
Come on! Go ahead. Hey, it's fun, trust me.

GUS:
All right. (stabs him in the stomach)

PROP:
Ah!

They both laugh.

PROP:
Just messing with you.

GUS:
Do you mind if I borrow this to show my partner? It's for the investigation.

GUS leaves the trailer with the prop knife.

INT. TV STUDIO, SET, DAY

SHAWN stands by the set doorway testing it. He is holding a brown jacket over his arm. GUS hurries over with the prop knife.

GUS:
Okay, Shawn, this is what I found out so far. Turns out the knife may have changed hands up to six times before Nuñez was stabbed with it. The day is almost up and we've gotten nowhere. It could be anyone on this set. We need more access and more time.

SHAWN:
I think I've figured out a pretty good angle for that, buddy. I just need you to step aside for one second. Maybe hit the craft service table, grab us a couple of those potato latkes. I can't figure out how Kelly makes them so crispy.

GUS:
I'm not stepping anywhere, Shawn. Am I the only one doing any work here on this case?

SHAWN:
I'd love to go to work. I'm ready, I feel it. I just... I can't.

GUS:
Really? And why is that?

SHAWN:
(whispers) You're standing right in my eye line, buddy.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN nods and GUS turns around to see the actress playing Serena standing there. SHAWN puts on the brown jacket, having taken over the role of Chad.

DIRECTOR:
Quiet on the set!

GUS runs off the set.

DIRECTOR:
Four, three, two... and action.

INT. SBPD, CONFERENCE ROOM, DAY

LASSITER and JULIET enter the room. The actress who plays Serena is already sitting at the table.

LASSITER:
Thanks for coming into speak with us, Ms. Desmondo.

DESMONDO:
You're welcome.

LASSITER and JULIET sit down.

LASSITER:
I'm gonna get right to it. Can you recall any instances in which you witnessed Jorge Gama-Lobo engaging in violent behavior?

DESMONDO:
Yes.

JULIET:
Yes?

DESMONDO:
Yes.

LASSITER takes a pen from his pocket, anxious to write down her testimony.

LASSITER:
Please tell us.

DESMONDO:
It was seven years ago, when he pushed Diego Cabrera off a bridge in broad daylight.

LASSITER:
Wait, that happened in this state? When was he charged?

DESMONDO:
He wasn't. He beat the rap, but there was an eye witness, his thought-to-be-missing step brother, Juan Sandoval.

LASSITER:
Sandoval, that sounds familiar. McNab, get in here!

McNAB enters the room.

LASSITER:
I need you to run all information on a Juan Sandoval.

McNAB:
Juan Sandoval? (looks as DESMONDO in realization) Wasn't he your common law husband?

LASSITER:
Wait, he was your husband?

McNAB:
Common law. But you murdered him by freezing his body and then shipping it to Hawaii, and defrosting it by a volcano.

DESMONDO:
Exactly. That was fifth season, episode eleven.

McNAB:
I'm a fan.

LASSITER:
Are you two talking about the show? I'm talking about a real murder.

JULIET:
I actually saw that episode. But he came back in season six, right? As the chief surgeon, so that he could change Thelma's face to look like your face so that you could take the rap for Beatrice's murder! (giggles) It's the only episode I saw.

LASSITER:
Who writes this crap?

DESMONDO:
The writers are all so colorful and brilliant. They're wonderful with the brutal crimes. They are some kind of geniuses, I swear.

LASSITER:
Some kind of murder geniuses maybe.

INT. TV STUDIO, SET, DAY

Over the monitor we see SHAWN enter through the doorway and deliver his lines as CHAD to CORRINE in Spanish. He is now dressed in the full delivery uniform with the brown jacket, khaki shirt and shorts.

CHAD:
I have a package for you…special delivery. It says…'handle with care'.

CORRINE exhales and reaches out her hand for the package. CHAD tosses the package and clipboard aside and moves in to kiss CORRINE passionately. His hands are everywhere. LANCE and the DIRECTOR are watching.

LANCE:
He's really got something, am I right?

DIRECTOR:
Yes, he's my muse.

SHAWN gets carried away and dips QUINTESSA. She exclaims as he nearly drops her.

DIRECTOR:
Cut!

SHAWN pulls QUINTESSA up to stand.

QUINTESSA:
See! That's what happens when you hire people off the street. (walks off set)

SHAWN:
(walks over to GUS) She's sweet, sweet like Mariah Carey on a bender. How'd that look?

GUS:
Okay. Don't take this the wrong way, but I think it lacked some passion.

SHAWN:
Passion?

GUS:
Yes.

SHAWN:
Do you have any idea how many pages we shot today? 83. And I'm getting by with the Spanish I learned from Charo on Love Boat. Plus I gotta make it look passionate and look for clues? Don't get me wrong, I'm pulling it off quite nicely. I got a hair off Quintessa's head because our dressing rooms, side by side.

GUS:
Nice.

LASSITER walks onto the set.

LASSITER:
How many times do you two need to be told you are not needed on this case? You are wasting the department's resources.

SHAWN watches as a PA holding a cup of coffee flips through an old script and tosses it into a bin.

LASSITER:
Hey, pal, please escort these two off the premises.

PA:
Well, uh...

LASSITER:
“Uh” is not an action word. Now drop the joe and take them out of here.

PA:
Well, actually, this coffee's for Mr. Spencer. (hands SHAWN the cup)

SHAWN:
Thank you, Roger. (takes cup and drinks from it)

LASSITER:
Mr. Spencer?

ROGER:
Well, uh, Chad, I guess. (walks away)

LASSITER:
Hunh?

KELLY walks up with a Styrofoam food container.

KELLY:
Here, these pineapple Peking dumplings are special for you, Chad.

SHAWN:
Thank you, Kelly, you sweet little thing.

SHAWN passes the container to GUS as KELLY walks away. At that moment, LASSITER turns and sees a cast chair with SHAWN’S name on it.

LASSITER:
No. No, no, no, no.

ROGER comes back and stands beside LASSITER.

ROGER:
I'm going to have to ask you to leave the stage area. We're about to roll. (puts a hand on LASSITER’S arm)

LASSITER:
You don't wanna touch me.

SHAWN:
Roger, it's okay.

ROGER leaves.

SHAWN:
Before you go... (reaches into his pocket and pulls out a plastic bag) You might want to send this down to your boys at the lab. It's a hair off Quintessa Gabrielle's head. The same color and length as the one found on the murder weapon. I think you'll find it's a sweet, sweet match.

LASSITER:
(opens bag) Oh, yes. I'll get right on that. (blows away hair) Oops.

SHAWN:
Why would you do that?

LASSITER:
The hair from the knife was synthetic. It came from a wig. Quintessa Gabrielle's hair is real so there's no match. But, nice work, Chad. (gives SHAWN the bag and walks away)

INT. TV STUDIO, WRITERS’ ROOM, DAY

LANCE is sitting at the head of the table surrounded by other writers. He has his feet up on the table. The table is covered with take-out containers and soda cans.

LANCE:
What kind of show do you think we're doing? Gotta keep it grounded, you gotta keep it real. Wanna go back to being an intern?

LASSITER enters the room.

LASSITER:
Lance Rothstein.

LANCE:
Excuse me, I am doing something here. Not nothing. (to writers) She's already making love to her nephew. She can't also be a nun. (to LASSITER) Yes, can I help you? Very quickly.

LASSITER:
(pulls document from jacket pocket) I have a warrant to search these premises, confiscate all scripts and written material.

LANCE:
On what grounds?

LASSITER:
On the grounds you've all been very busy thinking up ingenious ways to kill people.

INT. HENRY’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, DAY

HENRY grabs the TV remote and settles back on the couch.

HENRY:
Ah. (switches on the TV and kicks off his shoes)

MAN ON TV:
All that, plus the latest in local sports with Dan the man, coming up at 11:00 P.M.

On the TV, the doorbell rings and SERENA answers the door. We only see the back of CHAD.

CHAD:
The package is for you, Mrs... Lourdes.

The angle changes and HENRY sees SHAWN.

SERENA:
It's Ms, please.

HENRY:
(leans forward) What the hell?

CHAD:
Well, in that case...sign here.

As SERENA signs, CHAD watches seductively. HENRY stares at the TV, completely stunned.

INT. HOSPITAL, HALL, DAY

JULIET and LASSITER hurry down the hall.

JULIET:
Jorge Gama-Lobo tried to kill himself?

LASSITER:
Tried and failed. Must have been so wracked with guilt over stabbing Nuñez, he decided to off himself.

JULIET:
Did he leave a note?

LASSITER:
Oh, yeah, admitting to the murder. It's already with the boys down at the lab. I just wanted to get in there, get a verbal confession.

JULIET points and they enter the room.

INT. HOSPITAL, ROOM, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are sitting at JORGE’S bedside.

LASSITER:
You've got to be kidding me. (strides over to the bed) Step away from the bed now!

SHAWN and GUS shush LASSITER.

LASSITER:
Don't you shush me!

SHAWN:
I was about to say there's still time for you to go downstairs to the gift shop and buy something.

GUS:
Maybe a teddy bear.

SHAWN:
Oh, that's nice. Teddy bears are cute. They have one with a jar of honey that says, "bee well”.

LASSITER:
I mean it, this time I will arrest you for interfering in police business.

A NURSE enters the room.

NURSE:
I'm gonna have to ask you two to leave. This man is very sick, and I need quiet in here.

LASSITER:
Us?

JULIET:
Excuse me, I'm Detective O'Hara and this is Detective Lassiter and we're investigating this man.

LASSITER:
And I demand you remove these men from this room.

NURSE:
Honey, the only people actually authorized to be in here are Mr. Spencer and Mr. Guster. They're on Mr. Gama-Lobo's friends and family list. Everyone else out.

LASSITER:
You just met him a week ago.

SHAWN:
His whole family is back in Mexico. His older brother misses him very much.

GUS:
His sister.

SHAWN:
Right.

JULIET:
How does he make friends so fast?

JULIET and LASSITER leave.

GUS:
I get that Jorge was depressed about being off the show, but murder/suicide/coma? This whole thing is starting to feel like a real soap opera to me. I can't believe he would take his own life.

SHAWN sees lighter strands in JORGE’S hair and leans forward.

SHAWN:
Unless he was wearing a wig, he didn't. Someone else did.

There is dramatic music like right before a commercial break.

GUS:
What? I don't get it.

SHAWN:
Really? I thought I wrapped it up so nicely for you just now. It felt really good, it was organic. (clears throat, stands and pulls away the strands) Synthetic hair. Just like the one found on the knife.

More dramatic music.

GUS:
So?

SHAWN:
Dude, it means the same person was there when Jorge tried to kill himself. He wasn't alone.

More music.

GUS:
So, wait, you're saying he didn't try to kill himself?

SHAWN:
I can't do this. (walks away)

GUS:
You're not being clear, Shawn. (follows)

SHAWN:
Come on, dude. I gave it to you three different ways.

GUS:
Did he or did he not try to kill himself?

INT. SBPD, CONFERENCE ROOM, DAY

LASSITER is sitting at the table searching through the scripts. There is a plate with some lunch remains. JULIET enters the room.

LASSITER:
Is that the Gama-Lobo suicide note?

JULIET:
(sits at the table) Yes, but I'm still waiting on the handwriting samples from the lab.

LASSITER:
Nah, forget that. Just read it to me. (closes eyes and rests hand over his face)

JULIET:
Okay. (reads) "Dear world, I ask for forgiveness for the sins I have committed against humanity. It was my hands that carried out a heinous murder."

LASSITER:
(opens eyes) Wait a minute, hold on a second. I know that.

JULIET:
You know that?

LASSITER:
I have been literally poring over these things for days. (stands and sorts through scripts) Hold on a second. (finds what he wants, sits back down and finds the page) Okay, continue.

JULIET:
"How can I go back and reverse time?”

BOTH:
"I have no choice but to say good-bye to a world I turned my back on and the woman I betrayed."

JULIET:
Wow, it's from a script?

LASSITER:
Word for word. Written by Lance Rothstein. (shows the title page to JULIET)

JULIET:
So Lance set him up.

LASSITER:
Mmm-hmm.

JULIET:
What, did he just get lazy? Did he think no one would remember?

LASSITER:
He's gonna have plenty of time to figure out new plot lines behind bars.

LASSITER grabs his jacket and the two leave the room.

INT. TV STUDIO, SET, DAY

SHAWN and LANCE are on either side of a wire window. They are each holding a telephone handset. It’s a prison visitation set.

LANCE:
So this is what it feels like to be in jail. I always wondered if I'd survive.

SHAWN:
I was in jail once.

LANCE:
Really? This is what it was like for you too?

SHAWN:
(looks around) Yeah. Yeah, pretty much. You know, I mean, these phones aren't real.

LANCE:
No, course not. I mean, you know, it would be too expensive. But I mean for Ernesto's prison scene tomorrow, it's great, right?

SHAWN:
Oh, yeah. Yeah.

JULIET and LASSITER arrive.

LASSITER:
Lance Rothstein, you're under arrest.

LANCE:
For what?

JULIET:
The murder of Rinaldo Nuñez.

SHAWN:
(still talking into fake phone) Don't worry, I can get you off on that one.

LASSITER:
And the attempted murder of Jorge Gama-Lobo.

SHAWN:
Ooh, I don't know about that one.

LANCE hangs up the phone and looks over to JULIET and LASSITER before turning back to SHAWN. SHAWN places one hand up against the window and LANCE puts his hand up against it.

INT. SBPD, LOWER HALL, DAY

PENNY is sitting at a desk at the base of the stairs. JULIET comes down to talk to her. She is holding a cupcake.

JULIET:
Don't get up. I'm not staying. We just had a huge break in that murder case I was working on, so now the paperwork. I just wanted to stop by and give you this. (sets the cupcake on the desk)

PENNY:
What is that?

JULIET:
A cupcake.

PENNY:
I can see that but why are you giving it to me?

JULIET:
I noticed that you were eating one with your lunch the other day, so I stopped and bought you one. Same kind. Red velvet.

PENNY:
You, um, you noticed what I was eating.

JULIET:
Well, yeah, I'm a detective. I notice details.

PENNY:
Really? What else did you notice about me?

JULIET:
Well, I noticed that you eat by yourself every day. I noticed that you hesitate to make eye contact with people, and, well, you can be a little abrasive. But, you know, that's probably just because it's hard to adapt, you know, lots of politics. It's hard to understand where everyone's coming from.

PENNY:
Don't worry. I think I'm getting a pretty good idea.

JULIET:
Good. I'm glad. (smiles and walks away)

EXT. TV STUDIO, LOT, DAY

Out by the trailers, fans are lined up behind a barrier, calling to the stars. Ms DESMONDO gives some autographs. SHAWN comes out in costume, a cloth around his face to protect the clothes from makeup. He’s eating a sandwich. HENRY is waiting for him.

SHAWN:
Dad! You're here!

HENRY:
I am.

SHAWN:
You have to try this sandwich. Kelly from craft service makes them for me.

HENRY:
I already ate lunch, Shawn. Why am I here?

SHAWN:
This isn't lunch. This is turkey with stuffing and cranberry. It's like Thanksgiving between two slices of bread. This whole place is like Leaving Las Vegas with food.

They start to walk between the trailers.

HENRY:
Shawn, why'd you ask me here?

SHAWN:
I thought you'd enjoy it. You said you never had the opportunity to visit me when I was working a real job, and now I have a real job!

HENRY:
Shawn, this is not a real job.

SHAWN:
Sure it is. Oh no, I think I got make-up on this t-shirt. Has anyone seen Ivan?

HENRY:
Acting is not a real job, Shawn. I mean, how much attention do you need?

SHAWN:
I'm not doing this for the attention. (stops and poses with a family in their photo and continues on) I happen to be solving a case. A murder. This is serious business.

SHAWN and HENRY stop where the fans can see them.

SHAWN:
I've got a guy sitting in jail. Lassiter's got some evidence against him, but I know he didn't do it. It doesn't make any sense. He's a writer. He's got no motive.

HENRY:
Well, motive is everything. No motive, no conviction.

WOMAN:
Chad! Chad, over here!

HENRY:
How do you have fans? This is asinine. You started on the show five days ago.

SHAWN:
(waves to fans) Look, I have something.

HENRY:
Did you ever think that maybe this is embarrassing for me?

SHAWN:
Embarrassing for you?

HENRY:
First off, your accent is terrible. It's disgraceful, really. You sound like that El Pollo Loco guy. And then, there you go, turning your back on Rinaldo even after he defended you when you were accused of Maria's kidnapping. Come on.

SHAWN:
First of all, I am trying to sound like the El Pollo Loco guy. And secondly, Rinaldo turned his back on me when he slept with Maria in the first place.

HENRY:
Oh, come on, he would have given you half the reward money! Where's your integrity? It makes you look like such a bad person.

SHAWN:
I'm Shawn. Those are things that my character Chad did. I play him on TV. It's Shawn. Shawny.

HENRY sighs.

SHAWN:
Look into your boy's eyes. (puts a hand on HENRY’S shoulder) It's me, Papa.

HENRY:
(shoves SHAWN’S hand away) Don't be an idiot! I'm not one of your fans. I barely even like you.

SHAWN:
That's it. If my own father can blur the lines between the show and reality, why couldn't someone else? We've been looking in the wrong place. It's fans.

HENRY:
Okay, so you've narrowed it down to 150 suspects. Good work, Shawn.

MAN:
I want your baby! I want your baby!

SHAWN:
I don't have any female fans?

INT. PRISON, DAY

In an eerie sense of déjà vu, LANCE is sitting on one side of a window talking into a phone to SHAWN. This time GUS is with him. They are holding the phone between them.

SHAWN:
Listen, Lance, Lassiter doesn't have enough to make this arrest stick. He's just hoping that a couple nights in jail will get you to confess.

LANCE:
A couple nights? No, no, no, no. Here's the thing. I actually like it in here. This is fuel for the show. It's fuel for me. I always felt there was something holding me back as a writer. I grew up in Beverly Hills. And I always felt that I lacked any real-life experience. Shawn, this is so good for me. It's like Hemmingway, like Ellroy, Steinbeck, Danielle Steele.

SHAWN:
Ethan Hawke.

GUS:
Judy Blume.

LANCE:
Exactly. I can wallow in the harsh underbelly of prison life and shake it up a little bit with the riff-raff.

GUS:
Uh, the riff-raff? This is the Santa Barbara jail, not San Quentin.

SHAWN:
It was written up in Fodor's last year as a nice spa alternative.

GUS:
We need to get you out of here so you can write the show. Everyone needs you.

LANCE:
No, no, no, I can write in here. I can scratch it out with a broken piece of lead in the dark. And then I can bury myself in the one non-down pillow they issued me and I can cry myself to sleep.

SHAWN:
Look, we need to talk about (heavy accent) Corrine.

LANCE:
Colleen?

SHAWN:
(accent) Corrine!

LANCE:
Oh, Corrine.

SHAWN:
Yes, it came to me in a vision. The murderer is doing this to protect her. Think about it. First, Ernesto cheated on her and was stabbed and killed. Then you wrote that Vincente betrayed her and went missing. Someone took it into their own hands and tried to kill him.

GUS:
Well, not Vincente, but Jorge.

SHAWN:
That's my point. They can't tell the difference. It's a fan.

LANCE:
That's interesting. I'm not disagreeing, but what's act two? I mean, let's say it is just one fan. How you gonna find one fan among thousands?

SHAWN:
Easy. That's where you come in. You just write me a storyline where I put Corrine's life in jeopardy. Then we won't have to go looking for the murderer. The murderer will come looking for me.

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY

VICK is sitting at her desk having lunch while watching the soap as CORRINE slaps CHAD.

CHAD:
Ow! Again? Why?

CORRINE slaps him again. JULIET knocks on the open door.

JULIET:
You wanted to see me, Chief?

VICK:
Oh. Mmm. (switches off the TV)

JULIET:
Is there a problem? Did the Rothstein arrest not stick?

VICK:
This isn't about the Nuñez case. (motions for JULIET to sit) This is about the new transfer, Penny Pascaretti. Wanted to hear your side.

JULIET:
My side? My side of what?

VICK:
Well, I don't know a delicate way to put this. Ms. Pascaretti has filed an interdepartmental harassment charge against you.

JULIET:
What? That's outrageous!

VICK:
Is there any truth to this claim?

JULIET:
I was just being nice, reaching out. I bought her a cupcake. Sue me.

VICK:
She is. What do you mean you bought her a cupcake? With this piece of information, you're lucky the charge didn't include a stalking claim.

JULIET:
I was just trying to make a friend.

VICK:
I'm going to give you a piece of advice, and take it. As a woman in this department, you have to be very careful how you go about forming friendships. Women in the line of police work are more cautious by nature and necessity, and slow to trust.

JULIET:
Well, if that's the case, I guess no woman has a friend in the department.

VICK:
That's right.

JULIET:
Oh… 'Cause I kind of thought we were friends.

VICK:
Well, you were wrong. I'll talk to Ms. Pascaretti and see what I can do to mitigate these charges. But in the meantime, stop buying pastries. You're excused.

JULIET stands and slowly walks to the door.

VICK:
Nice blouse.

JULIET:
Thanks. I got it at Nordstrom, (starts walking back) it was on the sale rack. I probably shouldn't have…

VICK:
I don't care.

JULIET:
But you asked.

VICK:
Enough, O'Hara. Goodbye.

JULIET smiles as she leaves the office. VICK turns the TV back on and continues her lunch. CHAD and CORRINE kiss passionately.

INT. PRISON, DAY

SHAWN:
We have a problem.

GUS:
The show's fallen behind. And the network says the only way we can stay on schedule is if we do the show on Friday, live.

SHAWN:
Which means we need a script tonight! Is that possible?

LANCE:
Are you kidding me? I've never been more inspired in my life.

SHAWN:
Sweet! Here's the catch. Now that you've had me cheat on Corrine, I need you to put out new pages, with a new murder weapon and a scene where Corrine comes after me.

LANCE:
That's a terrible pitch. Why would I do that?

SHAWN:
Because, Lance, the murderer's going to try and finish the job. Whoever it is has access to the scripts and will be paying very close attention to the murder weapon and will likely tamper with it tomorrow. But I'll be there to catch them.

LANCE takes a shortened pencil from behind his ear and nods.

INT. TV STUDIO, SET, DAY

LASSITER and JULIET walk over to SHAWN and GUS.

LASSITER:
All right, Spencer, I trust you're confident this elaborate charade is going to be fruitful for the case?

SHAWN:
(sitting in his chair) Confidence is not my problem. Dry lips, however... (turns to makeup girl) Pearl, make it nice for the kissers.

Pearl touches up his lips with a little gloss. ROGER walks over.

ROGER:
Mr. Spencer, we're ready for you on set. We're moments away from going live.

LASSITER and JULIET walk over to the sidelines. SHAWN walks to his mark and GUS walks with him.

GUS:
Okay, so what's our plan?

SHAWN:
Well, Lance wrote this long monologue for Corrine after my exit. That gives me plenty of time to make my costume change, so I'll meet you backstage then. Keep your eyes peeled for anything suspicious.

GUS:
Got it.

ROGER:
We're seconds away from live! Places, everybody, places! In four, three, two...

DIRECTOR:
And go!

On the set, CHAD leans against the bannister at the base of the stairs, a drink in his hands. CORRINE walks down the stairs in a shimmering orange evening gown.

CHAD:
Wow! Darling, you looking lovely but we should get going if we are going to make it to Serena's charity ball.

CHAD starts up the stairs.

INT. PRISON, WEIGHT ROOM, DAY

LANCE is watching the show on a small mounted TV. There are three other inmates with him.

CORRINE:
Tell me, Chad, do I look fat in this ball gown?

CHAD:
You look like a sweet nectarine wrapped in taffeta. (strikes heroic pose)

LANCE:
I didn't write that.

INT. TV STUDIO, SET, DAY

QUINTESSA:
(whispers) Improvisation. I like it.

SHAWN:
(with accent) Yes.

CORRINE:
Well, I need you to be a dear and after you get your suit on will you grab my nail gun?

CHAD:
What? You're taking a nail gun to Serena's charity ball?

CORRINE:
No, silly. The shelf has been loose for a while now and I need to fix it.

CHAD:
But now my little rabbit? (checks watch)

CORRINE:
Yes. Be a love, and look for it in the garage.

CHAD:
Okay. (goes upstairs)

CORRINE raises an eyebrow.

INT. HENRY’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, DAY

HENRY is stretched out on the couch watching the show.

HENRY:
Oh, this can't be good.

INT. STUDIO, BACKSTAGE, DAY

SHAWN hurries down the steps, taking off his jacket. He ducks behind a changing screen. GUS is standing there eating and watching a monitor.

SHAWN:
Dude, did anyone come near the prop table?

GUS:
What prop table? I've been glued to the TV, watching for anything suspicious to happen, like you said.

SHAWN:
Dude, you're just standing there eating a meatball, watching the show. You're supposed to be watching the prop table!

GUS:
(walks over to SHAWN) You never said anything about a prop table, Shawn. If you’d said “Watch the prop table”, I would have been watching the prop table.

SHAWN:
(changes into a dress shirt and tie) Whoever tampered with that nail gun is our killer, Gus. We're talking about my life here!

GUS:
I know, Shawn. This woman is crazy. She's gonna kill you.

On the TV, CORRINE is on the phone.

SHAWN:
Look, forget it, okay? Just forget it. (puts on jacket) I'll check the nail gun myself. Do me a favor, and save me one of those meatballs, yeah?

ROGER comes over with the nail gun.

ROGER:
Let's go. You gotta get out there.

SHAWN:
This is no time for pranks, Roger. There's still half a scene before I make my entrance.

ROGER:
Not anymore. She's all over the place. She just skipped ahead three pages. (hands SHAWN the nail gun) You're on!

SHAWN:
Gus?

GUS:
Be strong, Shawn. (turns to the monitor)

INT. TV STUDIO, SET, DAY

CHAD enters from the top of the stairs as thunder rumbles. CORRINE is on the phone.

CORRINE:
... he will be dead. (ends call)

CHAD comes down the stairs and CORRINE sees him.

CORRINE:
Oh! There you are, my dear. Here, hand me the nail gun.

SHAWN breaks away from being CHAD and speaks in heavily accented English.

SHAWN:
Okay. Here you go. But do not point this at me, because es mucho dangerioso.

SHAWN refuses to let go of the nail gun and QUINTESSA - still in character - tries to pull it away from him.

CORRINE:
I know that, my darling.

SHAWN:
You say that you know, but seriously. Be very carefulio. You could muerte me with this thing because it is realio as it gets!

QUINTESSA gets the nail gun.

QUINTESSA:
(whispers) I love the improv. The passion.

SHAWN:
(whispers) It’s not an improv! (makes a slashing motion across his throat)

CORRINE:
(aims the nail gun at CHAD) Of course it's real as real as you cheating on me with my sister Serena and getting her pregnant.

GUS:
Shawn is the father of Serena's baby!

SHAWN:
(whispers in real voice) Please put that down, woman, it's loaded with real nails!

CORRINE:
And it's you that killed Vincente.

GUS:
Shawn, watch out! Watch out!

QUINTESSA fires the gun and SHAWN ducks behind the sofa as nails land in the wall behind him. SHAWN looks over the back of the sofa and sees that KELLY is the only one not paying attention. He also sees a mark along her hairline.

SHAWN:
(stands and speaks in heavily accented English) No! You are wrong! I am not a murderer-o! But I know who is-o. Yes. Your twin sister.

CORRINE:
I don't have a twin sister.

SHAWN:
Yes, what I mean is, it's someone who wants to be your twin sister. Someone who wants to be you!

INT. PRISON, WEIGHT ROOM, DAY

LANCE:
I definitely did not write this.

INT. TV STUDIO, SET, DAY

QUINTESSA:
Okay, I don't get it.

SHAWN:
No, it's like, eh… Beautiful girls…drinking… beer on the beach…

DIRECTOR:
My God, he's improvising.

SHAWN:
... with... homicide... I can't do this! Uh, you make a translation for me, yeah? (whispers in QUINTESSA’S ear)

INT. HENRY’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, DAY

HENRY’S eating a sandwich.

HENRY:
Ah, high school Spanish comes back to haunt him.

INT. TV STUDIO, SET, DAY

SHAWN pulls away from QUINTESSA.

QUINTESSA:
She did it! (points)

DIRECTOR:
Pan over. Pan over!

Camera 2 pans over to KELLY.

SHAWN:
(normal voice) After all that, you just point at the murderer? Don't you have any sense of dramatic tension or build? Come on, what are we, on Blossom? No! You start by saying she was your biggest fan. You know, that she practically worships you. She read all the scripts. I got this, I got this... (accent) You! Yes, you! You hated it whenever Corinne was put into jeopardy. So you took it up on yourself to avenge her.

KELLY:
I had to. She cares too much. Her heart is too big for her chest.

SHAWN looks at QUINTESSA’S chest and shakes his head in disagreement.

KELLY:
(slowly walks forward) When Ernesto cheated on her, she was too weak to stand up for herself. I needed to help her. She was like my best friend.

QUINTESSA:
(to SHAWN) I barely spoke to her.

SHAWN:
(accent) Really? So it was you who replaced the retractable prop knife with the real one!

KELLY:
And he deserved it.

SHAWN:
(accent) And it was also you who poisoned poor Vincente after it was written that he betrayed Corinne.

QUINTESSA:
But how?

SHAWN:
(accent) With a meatball.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

INT. TV STUDIO, SET, DAY

KELLY poisons the meatballs.

JORGE: (v.o.)
Usually I hunger for her meat balls the way a jackal salivates for an injured possum.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

INT. TV STUDIO, SET, DAY

QUINTESSA:
But he wrote a suicide note.

SHAWN:
(accent) No, he didn't. You should have a degree in being wrong all the time. And she almost got away with it, if it was not for the hairs.

KELLY reaches for her hair.

QUINTESSA:
The hairs?

SHAWN:
(accent) Yes, the hairs. From the cheap imitation wig that you put on to emulate Corinne when you committed these murders!

KELLY:
Yes, I did it!

Everyone watching gasps.

KELLY:
And now it's your turn to die.

SHAWN:
Say what?

KELLY:
For sleeping with Serena when all Corinne did was love you.

GUS:
She's right about that.

KELLY runs at QUINTESSA and grabs the gun. QUINTESSA hides behind SHAWN as KELLY fires the nail gun. LASSITER and

JULIET rush her and try to take away the gun as it fires.

LASSITER:
Easy, you psycho! Put it down. Let go!

JULIET gets the nail gun and LASSITER restrains KELLY. QUINTESSA slides down SHAWN’S leg striking a romance novel pose. LASSITER and JULIET realize they are on camera.

LASSITER:
(in stilted Spanish) Hello. My name is...Inspector Carlton Lassiter. I like cheese.

JULIET smiles woodenly until the cameras go off.

JULIET:
Really? That's what you choose to say? (heads off set)

LASSITER:
(follows with KELLY) I only took it for two years in junior high. Watch out.

INT. HENRY’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, DAY

GUS, SHAWN and HENRY are sitting on HENRY’S couch watching TV. SHAWN is holding a pillow in front of him, arms crossed over it. On the show CORRINE, SERENA and VINCENTE walk up to a well. VINCENTE is carrying a rolled carpet, duct taped closed. He drops it in the well. HENRY looks at SHAWN and then back to the TV.

VINCENTE:
It had to be done.

CORRINE:
I will miss him.

SERENA:
But you tried to kill him.

INT. TV STUDIO, SET, DAY

CORRINE:
Yes. But... I'll love him the rest of my life.

They look down into the water as it bubbles. VINCENTE walks away. CORRINE waves her handkerchief before holding it to her face as she walks away crying. She and SERENA wrap an arm around each other as they leave. We then see hands reaching out and CHAD breaks the surface gasping and panting. He looks up and smiles crookedly.