Fic: And I Shall Name Him Muffins (complete)
Title: And I Shall Name Him Muffins
Author: josephina_x
Fandom: Smallville
Pairing: Gen
Rating: G
Spoilers: post-series, at some point
Word count: 1200+
Summary: Lex Luthor gets a kitten. Superman tries to rescue kitten from arch-nemesis. This does not go well... for one of them. (Hint: it's not the kitten. The kitten is fine. Stop worrying about the kitten.) (...really, it's fine! See, look! *shows you smirky cute kitten face*)
(Lovely cover by the wonderful fruitbat00! *squee!*)
Warnings: Un-beta'd. Kind of cracky, but not any moreso than the show, really. (Remember Shelby?)
Disclaimer: Not mine, not-for-profit.
Comments: Yes, please! :)
Author's Note: This fic's genesis came from xparrot's post on hero vs. villain fanlove (and, oh yeah, double standards):
"If Clark Kent adopts an abandoned kitten it's cute, but nowhere near as adorably touching as if Lex Luthor takes one in (in the absence of a kitten-involving master plan, of course.)"
~*~*~*~*~*~
"Luthor." Superman floated outside the window of his LexCorp office.
Lex Luthor slowly swiveled his chair around from his desk to face the window. He was easily reclining in the plush cushions. In his lap he held a small white kitten, who he was stroking like the villainous villain that he was. Most days.
Superman glowered and crossed his arms at his arch-nemesis.
He opened his mouth and thundered:
"You're never going to get away with--!"
Then Superman blinked, and paused, his eyes widening in surprise and his mouth hanging slightly open.
He stared for a moment.
Then he pointed a finger and said, "Isn't that the kitten I rescued the other day?"
"I haven't the faintest idea," Lex said.
Clark frowned and drifted slightly closer to the bullet- and shatterproof glass separating them. "It is! I rescued that kitten from a tree in the park three weeks ago this Tuesday!" The little girl had seemed very grateful, hugging it close.
"Did you, really?" Lex replied smoothly. "How odd. I rescued this kitten from an animal shelter this afternoon."
Clark flinched like he'd been slapped across the face. With Kryptonite. Because it was Monday, and Cat Grant had done an article on the shelters in Metropolis two days ago, and reading it as he helped her with edits, he'd found out that they only held the animals for three weeks before putting them down. Which meant...
"Imagine that. Small world," Lex added absently, as he glanced down and paid special attention to carefully scratching it under the chin. Clark watched the kitten lean in to Lex's touch.
And the kitten's eyes were mere slits as it arched its head back to give Lex's hand better access. It looked really, really happy at all the attention it was receiving. From Superman's nemesis.
Clark had to remind himself that Superman does not squirm. Especially in mid-air.
"Luthor." Clark cleared his throat, because that came out a little too strangled-sounding. "Why do you have a kitten?"
Lex looked back up at Superman and raised his eyebrows ever-so-slightly, affecting calm, collected surprise. "Do I need a reason?"
"Yes."
"Is it any of your business?" Lex responded, with a slight edge.
"You are my self-proclaimed nemesis," Superman reminded him.
"Point," Lex said easily, waving a gloved hand at him. He looked Superman over for a minute or two in silence, then said...
"I don't suppose you'd believe that I've been recruited by the feline underground as their human liaison to help smooth the upcoming transition from homo sapiens to felis domesticus rule?"
Superman gave him a look.
"Because I do have experience in worldwide invasions of nonhuman species."
Yeah, and some of those times had been because Lex had done something to bring them here. Clark didn't say anything.
"And I ought to know a losing battle when I see one."
Clark didn't say anything.
"And I do like to come out on top."
Clark didn't say anything.
"Shouldn't you be happy that I'm sharing this highly sensitive information in an advance warning? I could be taking my life in my hands, giving you a chance to get an in by being claimed as a pet by one of them before the revolution begins."
Clark didn't say anything.
"...Stranger things have happened?"
Clark didn't say anything.
"Well, it could happen. You never know," Lex muttered, bringing his attention back to his kitten, who was arching its back up into his hands as he stroked it along its spine from head-to-neck-to-back-to-tail-tip.
Clark didn't say anything.
Lex sighed.
"I don't think you should be housing any sort of animal, Luthor, let alone a poor, defenseless kitten," Clark stated, because clearly the animal was not safe in Luthor's deranged, violent, apparently-completely-divorced-from-reality mind, if not his hands. Clearly.
There was a long silence, during which Lex continued to pet said poor, defenseless kitten.
"It's mine; I rescued it," Lex replied with finality, glaring at Superman.
"Well, I'm rescuing it back," Superman declared, crossing his arms across his chest again.
"No, you're not."
Right. Of course Lex would argue with him; Superman told him he couldn't have something, so of course he would want it. Argh. Arch-nemeses. Clark was glad that Superman only had one. (He had several as Clark, but admittedly they were also easier to deal with as Clark.)
"Yes, I am. I really am," Superman said testily. He'd think of something. Lois was allergic, but maybe Chloe and Oliver would like a kitten?
"No, you're really, really, not," Lex said, with a gleam in his eye.
And then Clark finally remembered what he'd come here to lecture-- er, talk-- to Luthor about before he'd gotten derailed. The Luthor who was now openly smirking at him.
Crap.
Luthor reached out an arm -- with a hand not currently occupied with petting his kitten -- and pressed a button on his desk.
And Clark was set to dodging some rather illegally obtained -- private ownership forbidden by city ordinance -- and improperly mounted -- the property wasn't zoned for this sort of thing, Luthor was breaking at least twelve building codes hanging them off the top of the roof like that! -- highly-functional industrial-strength Kryptonite-powered lasers. That were now firing at him.
One clipped a corner off his cape, and another sliced halfway through his belt at his right side before he was able to duck, dodge, weave, and finally get himself out of range twenty blocks away.
Clark wanted to curse, but Superman was supposed to be above that sort of thing.
~*~*~*~*~*~
"Hm," said Lex, his mind ticking away as he watched the scene playing out in front of him across the Metropolis skyline. "It seems as though the alien really is easily distracted by small, fluffy animals," he murmured to himself.
He started slightly and tensed, then glanced down at the kitten, who was now purring up at him. He made a conscious effort to relax his fingers before he resumed the correct, requisite petting motions.
"Perhaps I should consider keeping you around," Lex said slowly, as though he were feeling out the words carefully as he lined them up. He hesitated, then added in a slight rush, "For a little while." After all, it wouldn't do to make an open-ended offer of employment. People tended to take advantage of that kind of thing, expecting things from you and taking all sorts of liberties, and cats were people, too, weren't they?
"Your continued presence could be useful as a vital component of distraction in later plans, I suppose," Lex mused as he leaned back, stroking the small, white, warm bundle of fur.
The kitten practically melted in his lap under his petting.
Lex reclined in his chair, his eyes unfocusing as he stared off into the distance. He thought for awhile, aligning and realigning plans and costs and benefits and drawbacks. He weighed necessary expenditures and potential investment return.
He caught the kitten up between his hands, and raised it up to his face. He looked it over carefully as it blinked at him, legs dangling down, looking for all the world relaxed in its life and position therein.
Lex nodded once to himself, then said decisively, "I think I shall name you Muffins."
Muffins blinked at him again, yawning a tiny, cute, world-dominating-minion-in-training yawn.
"Oh, yes. We shall do great things together, you and I," Lex smirked, rubbing his thumbs slightly against the kitten's sides as he drew it up against his chest.
The kitten slitted its eyes, rubbed its oh-so-tiny head under Lex's chin, got a small kitten-sized smirk of its own, and purrrrrrrred.
~*~*~*~*~*~
AN2: ...Why? Because every bald somewhat-villainous type deserves the love and devotion of an itty-bitty kitty-cat! :)
Author: josephina_x
Fandom: Smallville
Pairing: Gen
Rating: G
Spoilers: post-series, at some point
Word count: 1200+
Summary: Lex Luthor gets a kitten. Superman tries to rescue kitten from arch-nemesis. This does not go well... for one of them. (Hint: it's not the kitten. The kitten is fine. Stop worrying about the kitten.) (...really, it's fine! See, look! *shows you smirky cute kitten face*)
(Lovely cover by the wonderful fruitbat00! *squee!*)
Warnings: Un-beta'd. Kind of cracky, but not any moreso than the show, really. (Remember Shelby?)
Disclaimer: Not mine, not-for-profit.
Comments: Yes, please! :)
Author's Note: This fic's genesis came from xparrot's post on hero vs. villain fanlove (and, oh yeah, double standards):
"If Clark Kent adopts an abandoned kitten it's cute, but nowhere near as adorably touching as if Lex Luthor takes one in (in the absence of a kitten-involving master plan, of course.)"
~*~*~*~*~*~
"Luthor." Superman floated outside the window of his LexCorp office.
Lex Luthor slowly swiveled his chair around from his desk to face the window. He was easily reclining in the plush cushions. In his lap he held a small white kitten, who he was stroking like the villainous villain that he was. Most days.
Superman glowered and crossed his arms at his arch-nemesis.
He opened his mouth and thundered:
"You're never going to get away with--!"
Then Superman blinked, and paused, his eyes widening in surprise and his mouth hanging slightly open.
He stared for a moment.
Then he pointed a finger and said, "Isn't that the kitten I rescued the other day?"
"I haven't the faintest idea," Lex said.
Clark frowned and drifted slightly closer to the bullet- and shatterproof glass separating them. "It is! I rescued that kitten from a tree in the park three weeks ago this Tuesday!" The little girl had seemed very grateful, hugging it close.
"Did you, really?" Lex replied smoothly. "How odd. I rescued this kitten from an animal shelter this afternoon."
Clark flinched like he'd been slapped across the face. With Kryptonite. Because it was Monday, and Cat Grant had done an article on the shelters in Metropolis two days ago, and reading it as he helped her with edits, he'd found out that they only held the animals for three weeks before putting them down. Which meant...
"Imagine that. Small world," Lex added absently, as he glanced down and paid special attention to carefully scratching it under the chin. Clark watched the kitten lean in to Lex's touch.
And the kitten's eyes were mere slits as it arched its head back to give Lex's hand better access. It looked really, really happy at all the attention it was receiving. From Superman's nemesis.
Clark had to remind himself that Superman does not squirm. Especially in mid-air.
"Luthor." Clark cleared his throat, because that came out a little too strangled-sounding. "Why do you have a kitten?"
Lex looked back up at Superman and raised his eyebrows ever-so-slightly, affecting calm, collected surprise. "Do I need a reason?"
"Yes."
"Is it any of your business?" Lex responded, with a slight edge.
"You are my self-proclaimed nemesis," Superman reminded him.
"Point," Lex said easily, waving a gloved hand at him. He looked Superman over for a minute or two in silence, then said...
"I don't suppose you'd believe that I've been recruited by the feline underground as their human liaison to help smooth the upcoming transition from homo sapiens to felis domesticus rule?"
Superman gave him a look.
"Because I do have experience in worldwide invasions of nonhuman species."
Yeah, and some of those times had been because Lex had done something to bring them here. Clark didn't say anything.
"And I ought to know a losing battle when I see one."
Clark didn't say anything.
"And I do like to come out on top."
Clark didn't say anything.
"Shouldn't you be happy that I'm sharing this highly sensitive information in an advance warning? I could be taking my life in my hands, giving you a chance to get an in by being claimed as a pet by one of them before the revolution begins."
Clark didn't say anything.
"...Stranger things have happened?"
Clark didn't say anything.
"Well, it could happen. You never know," Lex muttered, bringing his attention back to his kitten, who was arching its back up into his hands as he stroked it along its spine from head-to-neck-to-back-to-tail-tip.
Clark didn't say anything.
Lex sighed.
"I don't think you should be housing any sort of animal, Luthor, let alone a poor, defenseless kitten," Clark stated, because clearly the animal was not safe in Luthor's deranged, violent, apparently-completely-divorced-from-reality mind, if not his hands. Clearly.
There was a long silence, during which Lex continued to pet said poor, defenseless kitten.
"It's mine; I rescued it," Lex replied with finality, glaring at Superman.
"Well, I'm rescuing it back," Superman declared, crossing his arms across his chest again.
"No, you're not."
Right. Of course Lex would argue with him; Superman told him he couldn't have something, so of course he would want it. Argh. Arch-nemeses. Clark was glad that Superman only had one. (He had several as Clark, but admittedly they were also easier to deal with as Clark.)
"Yes, I am. I really am," Superman said testily. He'd think of something. Lois was allergic, but maybe Chloe and Oliver would like a kitten?
"No, you're really, really, not," Lex said, with a gleam in his eye.
And then Clark finally remembered what he'd come here to lecture-- er, talk-- to Luthor about before he'd gotten derailed. The Luthor who was now openly smirking at him.
Crap.
Luthor reached out an arm -- with a hand not currently occupied with petting his kitten -- and pressed a button on his desk.
And Clark was set to dodging some rather illegally obtained -- private ownership forbidden by city ordinance -- and improperly mounted -- the property wasn't zoned for this sort of thing, Luthor was breaking at least twelve building codes hanging them off the top of the roof like that! -- highly-functional industrial-strength Kryptonite-powered lasers. That were now firing at him.
One clipped a corner off his cape, and another sliced halfway through his belt at his right side before he was able to duck, dodge, weave, and finally get himself out of range twenty blocks away.
Clark wanted to curse, but Superman was supposed to be above that sort of thing.
~*~*~*~*~*~
"Hm," said Lex, his mind ticking away as he watched the scene playing out in front of him across the Metropolis skyline. "It seems as though the alien really is easily distracted by small, fluffy animals," he murmured to himself.
He started slightly and tensed, then glanced down at the kitten, who was now purring up at him. He made a conscious effort to relax his fingers before he resumed the correct, requisite petting motions.
"Perhaps I should consider keeping you around," Lex said slowly, as though he were feeling out the words carefully as he lined them up. He hesitated, then added in a slight rush, "For a little while." After all, it wouldn't do to make an open-ended offer of employment. People tended to take advantage of that kind of thing, expecting things from you and taking all sorts of liberties, and cats were people, too, weren't they?
"Your continued presence could be useful as a vital component of distraction in later plans, I suppose," Lex mused as he leaned back, stroking the small, white, warm bundle of fur.
The kitten practically melted in his lap under his petting.
Lex reclined in his chair, his eyes unfocusing as he stared off into the distance. He thought for awhile, aligning and realigning plans and costs and benefits and drawbacks. He weighed necessary expenditures and potential investment return.
He caught the kitten up between his hands, and raised it up to his face. He looked it over carefully as it blinked at him, legs dangling down, looking for all the world relaxed in its life and position therein.
Lex nodded once to himself, then said decisively, "I think I shall name you Muffins."
Muffins blinked at him again, yawning a tiny, cute, world-dominating-minion-in-training yawn.
"Oh, yes. We shall do great things together, you and I," Lex smirked, rubbing his thumbs slightly against the kitten's sides as he drew it up against his chest.
The kitten slitted its eyes, rubbed its oh-so-tiny head under Lex's chin, got a small kitten-sized smirk of its own, and purrrrrrrred.
~*~*~*~*~*~
AN2: ...Why? Because every bald somewhat-villainous type deserves the love and devotion of an itty-bitty kitty-cat! :)