Comments | joreth: Would You Keep Your Own Bedroom?

joreth

Would You Keep Your Own Bedroom?

Jun 24, 2010 14:16

I have a question for all poly people who are pair-bonded. The poll wizard limits me to characters, so let me explain what I'm looking for before you get to it. There is no "right" or "wrong" answers, I am genuinely interested to hear how other people view their relationships. You're welcome to explain further or ask questions in the comments.

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quizzes & memes, polyamory

Comments 22

cranberrynomiko June 24 2010, 19:21:53 UTC

I have a similar -- though not nearly as fancy as you've described! -- setup with my current partner. We each have our own room, where we can sleep by ourselves if we need to, or do work, or just be alone. Having tried sharing a room with someone previously, I find I prefer this. Stress levels can go through the roof if each person doesn't have space to get away that is "theirs". Escaping to a common room feels more like exile from your comfortable, personal space; I've found this tends to make tensions worse rather than better.

joreth June 24 2010, 19:28:29 UTC

I completely agree, that is how I prefer my living situations. But the largest number of people I've ever had in one house was 3, and we each had our own room but no communal bedroom that we could all 3 fit together. I know some people who *have* to sleep with their partner every night and I was curious as to how that would change if people with a pair-bonded partner lived in a house with multiple partners. I also know people who try and squeeze everyone into a single room when all the family gets together, but how would that last in a regular living-together situation? How long could sharing a bed with 5 other people really go on before someone needs their "space"?

joreth June 24 2010, 19:23:59 UTC

From someone who is unable to answer the poll:

(1) Yes, both of us can have our own space

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Re: Would You Keep Your Own Bedroom? joreth June 24 2010, 19:31:34 UTC

That's pretty much how I tend to design all my poly houses, but they have been, historically, designed based on my personal preferences. I assumed *everyone* would want their own space, whether they use it or not. But now I'm curious just how many people *actually* share those preferences. If I remove money or space from the equation, what would people really want to do, as opposed to what would they be OK with?

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joreth June 24 2010, 22:19:05 UTC

That makes sense, I didn't give an option like that. I think it didn't occur to me because the only way I figured I could ensure that it was solitary was to make it "mine" :-) The more people in the house, the less likely the house would be empty at any given time and, with Murphy's Law, the less likely it would be empty (or a common room would be empty) exactly when I most need it to be.

But I can definitely see your position - mostly what I would need is the ability to be alone, not that I am feeling territorial over boundaries.

I suspect, however, that some people who go for the "our space" would be doing that for territorial reasons and not introvert needs.

I already kind of have this anonymous June 25 2010, 01:41:13 UTC

When we built our house, 2 1/2 years before we became polyamorous (and we had no clue that we were going to be transitioning to poly at that point), we built finished two bedrooms in the basement for our boys, which left two bedrooms on the main floor that were not needed. One of them is the computer room, the other one is my craft room/office (now that I work from home). Like I said, this was long before poly was even on the radar, so yes, I would still want my own space in my dream home : ). It would definitely be nice to have it big enough to have a bed in it too, so we wouldn't end up setting up an air mattress or having one of us sleep on the couch when other partners are over, like we do now.

Re: I already kind of have this joreth June 27 2010, 21:03:21 UTC

Yep, the idea that, if my partner wanted alone time with another partner, I would have to go sleep away from my preferred bed, without all my stuff that comprises my nightly routine, would quickly make me unfairly resentful of the metamour, who would represent a disruption even if it's not intended. I would end up thinking "he's the one who wants the alone time, he can go sacrifice his good night's sleep & find somewhere else to be", and that would be inconsiderate to both my partner and my metamour ( ... )