Remember Me!?! Chapter 14 and preview
Remember Me!?!
Chapter 14: Defrost [My Heart]
Couple: JongKey/MinKey
Genre: Drama, Romance, Angst, Humor
Rated: PG
Chapter Summary: After Kibum leaves his dorm, Jonghyun is stuck in the endless obis of his memories with Kibum. Unable to cope with everything that has happened in the present and past, Jonghyun loses yet another night of sleep. But, why in the world, does a serious of second thoughts, guilt and regrets come to him?
PREVIEW: CHAPTER 15; BREATH (TO TAKE A LIFE)
Couple: MinKey/JongKey
Genre: ANGST, Romance, Drama
Rated: PG12
Chapter 14: Defrost [My Heart]
Jonghyun: Age 20
“Coffee. Need. Coffee. NEED COFFEE!!!! DESPERATELY. NEED. COFFEE. URGENTLY.” Jonghyun chanted, doing his very best to crawl towards the coffee machine. Forty-eight hours. It had been forty-eight hours since he had last been allowed to feel the beautiful privilege of sleep for more than fifteen minutes, and since his overworked mind had gotten a chance to rest. The black circles under his eyes were so deep and dark against his pallid face that he looked quite like a starving panda, crawling towards the last bamboo stalk (or espresso machine) remaining the whole entire world.
“Coffee…I need coffee…going to die. Need the coffee…why is it so far away!?!” His crackly voice croaked as he pulled his over-exhausted legs forward. Ever since the day before, when Kibum had reappeared in his life, he hadn’t been able to close his eyes once. Every single time he would try to close his eyes, even for a second, his mind would immediately be bombarded with his past, and memories with Kibum. Tormenting images of Kibum would flash back into his exhausted mind with sometimes heartbreaking expressions. Images of him laughing, or crying or acting like the ridiculous diva he sometimes could be. And, of course, the not so distant memory of the sadness and pain in his eyes as he glanced down at the picture of Jonghyun and his girlfriend and brokenly asked,
“Who’s she?”
Jonghyun forcibly snapped his eyes back open as quickly as he could as the image made its way back into his mind.
“NO! GET OUT! DON’T TORMENT ME ANYMORE!” He screamed loudly, shaking his head furiously in hopes that it would somehow get the sad image out of his mind. “I can’t feel this way! I can’t feel guilty for allowing myself to move on with my life! We BOTH had to move on! It was what was best for both of us!!! I swear!!” He retold himself, over and over.
However, as the sad image of Kibum trying to hide his sadness behind a fake smile, and the way he stared down at the picture of the couple, thumb gently running over his past lover’s face, the guilt began to weasel its way back into Jonghyun’s mind. Regrets of replacing him so quickly, and guilt of not embracing the sad younger.
“WAIT!!!” Jonghyun’s mind screamed, brain almost exploding with overload. “I regret moving on!? Regret it!? Regret!? I should have no reason to regret anything! I cut my ties with Kibum after I moved away because I didn’t want to him to be tied down by having a long distance relationship, and always be sad about me being gone! I moved on with life without him in order to allow him to live and mature by himself! I went with Umma because she needed me, and I needed to protect her! I started attending this school when I graduated because I figured that Kibum already had a happy and wonderful life without me! I started going out with her because she-OHMIIGAAA, KIBUM!” He screamed loudly, as he looked in front of him to see Kibum sitting contently on his kitchen counter.
Kibum giggled at Jonghyun’s pure insanity before stretching out his arm, holding a tempting cup of professionally made coffee, offering it to Jonghyun.
“Really, Jong. I’m starting to worry about your mental stability. Talking to yourself so much, you haven’t even noticed that I’ve been here for quite a while now. And you shouldn’t drink so much coffee either. You’ll get terribly addicted, and if you ever run out, you’ll really go insane.” He muttered, smiling. “Anyway, you’ve always had such a high energy level to begin with. Doesn’t the caffeine you get jittery? I would hate to see you in the early morning after drinking coffee.” He added, shrugging.
Jonghyun stopped, mid-crawl towards the coffee, eyes wide. His lack of sleep must have been really taking over his mind, and he immediately felt as if he didn’t get the coffee soon, he would truly lose his mind. But…how after the whole night of tossing and turning, trying to escape his past…how could he find the strength to face Kibum again? He swallowed slowly, trying to regain as much as his sanity that was left, and trying to become calm again.
“Kibum…wh-what are you doing here again?” Jonghyun asked quietly, choosing for his own sake not to ask how he managed to get into his dorm before seven in the morning, and end up sitting on his kitchen counter, next to his coffee maker, without him even realizing it.
Kibum half smiled lightly before reaching out and taking Jonghyun’s hand gently. Jonghyun shifted backwards quickly at a slight shock that ran up his body the contact of the two’s hands. Kibum seemed to have felt it too and half smiled reminiscently as he looked down at their hands. However, he somehow managed to pull his hand back away from holding Jonghyun’s hand, and only left the coffee cup inside of the older’s grasp.
“I wanted to talk to you…Jonghyun. Seriously and honestly.” Kibum said quietly, as he back away from Jonghyun again. He slowly glanced up and looked Jonghyun in the eyes sincerely. “I…made a fool of myself yesterday. I want to start over. A-and I want to talk to you genuinely.” He said.
Jonghyun swallowed the best he could as he continued to stare down at the coffee cup, not strong enough to look into Kibum’s sincere eyes. Kibum wanted to talk to him genuinely about why he came back all of a sudden? How could Jonghyun allow him to do that? He was hardly even able to stomach the sadness that was behind Kibum’s diva act the day before. If Kibum began to talk to him honestly, and show all of his real feelings, how could he be able to stand it? He knew he would crumble immediately and give into Kibum at the first sight of the younger boy’s crystal tears. But…was that really what he wanted? He had tried so hard and fought so much for the new life he had attained now. He had spent so many nights alone, shedding tears as he convinced himself over and over that leaving Kibum behind is what was best for both of them. What he really wanted. Was he really going to go right back to Kibum if Kibum asked him to? Was it really what he wanted? He had finally reached a point in his life that he was able to forget about Kibum and live on happily without him. He had everything in life that any man could ever want. A dream, a job, a education, a dog, and a hot girlfriend. If he left all of that, and gave it all away to be with Kibum again, and something broke them apart…he knew he wouldn’t have the strength to start over again. He wouldn’t be able to do it. Not again. He wasn’t strong enough. But how could he make Kibum understand? Pretend like he didn’t have love for him in his heart anymore? Hurt him until he gave up on him? He couldn’t do that. He was stuck.
Kibum kept his eyes on Jonghyun before slowly glancing back towards the couch. “C-can we talk for a little while…Jonghyun?” He asked, after a moment.
Jonghyun still couldn’t find a way to respond to Kibum, but couldn’t just stand there and say nothing. He figured the best thing he could do was listen to everything Kibum had to say to him. Perhaps he would say something that would help sort through his messy feelings. He only nodded his head slowly, and led Kibum towards the trashed couch in the corner of his dorm.
Kibum half smiled lightly at Jonghyun as he followed him to the couch and sat down slowly next to him. He looked as amazing as ever. His eyes, although cloudy from lack of sleep, were still as amazing as Kibum remembered them in all of his dreams. Just being near to his side again made him feel stronger, and gave him strength to keep going. The more that he was around him, the more Kibum felt that he had to get him back in his life. The more he was reminded of how much he really loved him. Although Jonghyun looked and acted so different than the seventeen year old he last knew, he was without a doubt the same Kim Jonghyun that Kibum had spent the entire of his life loving and dreaming of. Once he won him back, he swore with all of his life that he would never let him go again. He would spend the rest of his life cherishing the special love that he and Jonghyun had always had, and forever take care of his best friend.
As he was sure that Kibum was looking down, away from him, Jonghyun felt his eyes lightly drift up and look at Kibum again. His face was soft and he looked so genuine as he looked at the ground, gathering the best words to explain his feelings. His cheeks were slightly pink from their earlier contact, and Jonghyun couldn’t help but think that he looked beautiful. He had always been the most beautiful being that Jonghyun had ever known. He didn’t know if it was really his outwardly appearance or just the beauty he knew was inside of his heart. But, whatever it was, it was still as beautiful and still as strong as it was before. He nipped his lip lightly as Kibum’s bangs fell into his eyes as he continued to look down. If he was still seventeen-if he were still with Kibum-he would have gently pushed the bangs back so he could look in Kibum’s beautiful eyes clearly. However, he wasn’t still a teenager. He wasn’t still the same person who had been with Kibum years ago. Doing things like that would be too inappropriate.
Kibum finally managed to sort through his feelings before glancing up at Jonghyun slowly. Jonghyun looked away quickly the moment their eyes met, as if he was ashamed to share eye-contact with him. Kibum had to bite on his bottom lip in order not to let his emotions get the best of him, and end up blowing everything like he did yesterday. Although it was hard to try to be mature about this, Kibum knew he had to try his best to try. He tried to think about what Minho had said, about Jonghyun wanting their time apart to mature them both, but it was hard to act like a mature adult when his heart was laying there in front of Jonghyun. He swallowed slowly before clearing his throat and looking back at Jonghyun.
“I-I…” Kibum started shakily, after a moment. “I-I wanted to talk to you honestly, and explain why I came back for you…Jonghyun.” He started.
Jonghyun say anything, and didn’t turn his gaze back to him, but stayed silent, obviously listening. Kibum glanced back down and tried not to just come about and shout that he still loved him with all his heart. Although he wanted to tell Jonghyun a million times since the moment he saw him again for the first time, Kibum knew that timing was everything. If he just spat it out the moment he had the chance, Jonghyun would think of him as the immature little sixteen year old that he was when he had left. However, something kept coming to his mind. It was what Minho had said: Honestly is everything in a relationship, no matter what status it is currently at. Kibum gnawed his lip roughly before losing his composer and looked back at Jonghyun quickly, speaking what was on his heart.
“I found you again and came back to you because I still love you, Kim Jonghyun!” Kibum found himself shouting out quickly.
Jonghyun’s eyes snapped open wide, but he still didn’t say anything. He just stayed silent and didn’t make eye contact. He couldn’t make eye contact. How could Kibum just say it like that? Was he completely clueless about his current situation!? Was he oblivious to how hard it was to try to forget all of the painful memories over the years!? Did he never once spare a moment to think about how hard Jonghyun had tried to learn how to live life without him!? This was completely unfair to his feelings.
Kibum kept staring at Jonghyun. “After you left, Jonghyun…I-I thought you had taken my heart away forever.” He started. “You left me alone to wake up without you, and to freeze in the snow of despair! I stayed out in front of your already empty house for an hour, crying bitterly and begging for you to come back. I really thought that if I called your name loudly enough you would come rescue me. Just like all the times I was bullied in the past!”
Jonghyun clamped his eyes closed tightly, pain and guilt running through his body and stinging him harshly, stabbing him in the heart and chest with every world that came out of Kibum’s mouth. But, Kibum kept his eyes glued to him, speaking every word that came from his heart, being completely and utterly honest with him.
“As I lied in the snow, begging for you to come back, my body froze with the coldness.” Kibum continued. “And I thought before that my heart had frozen with my body. When I woke up in the hospital and learned that I had pneumonia I was never once stricken with a single moment of fear! Every night, when I woke up and looked around desperately in search of you, only to find you gone-I couldn’t shed one tear. I the mornings, when Minho could come into my hospital room and promise he’d stay by me, I couldn’t even spare a feeling of comfort. I swore that my heart had frozen over, and I couldn’t muster up any emotion at all!”
Jonghyun glanced up quickly, but still couldn’t look in Kibum’s eyes. He got pneumonia!? If he had known at the time, he wouldn’t have ever been able to stay away from him, and would have ran back to Seoul to comfort him if there was no other way. Guilt began to take over his body, and he couldn’t move.
Kibum kept his eyes on Jonghyun and didn’t look away, even as he felt tears building in the corners of them. “I-I really thought that my heart would stay frozen forever, you know?” He asked, quietly. “I really thought that when you left, you took it away all my love and happiness and I would never be strong enough to face another day. And in my upmost despair I wondered what good living would even do me. What was the point of living with a frozen heart?”
Jonghyun began to move uneasily, trying with all he had to keep quiet and not immediately slap Kibum on the cheek for even thinking about ending his beautiful life, or hurting himself. He couldn’t allow for Kibum to even think about something as terrible as that. Kibum half smiled sadly, as he slowly glanced back towards the ground.
“B-but…you know what happened?” Kibum asked quietly, after a moment. “…I kept dreaming that someday there would be a day that we could meet again, and that you’d unfreeze my heart and take me away from all the pain and fear I was trying to face alone. In my dreams, your arms were warm, and melted away all the pain and anger inside of me. In my dreams, you kept telling me to be strong and to keep holding on, and that someday…s-someday we would meet again!” He said, quickly.
Jonghyun gnawed his lips as hard as he could, beginning for his heart to stop pounding, pleading for his eyes to stop tearing. He couldn’t…he couldn’t go back to Kibum. He couldn’t. Not everything he had gone through. Not after everything he had done to live life without him. He couldn’t. He really couldn’t. If he did, and something broke them apart again, he was sure that neither of them could go on without each other.
Kibum slowly looked back up at Jonghyun gently, a soft but solemn smile of his face. “A-and when I had those dreams, my empty soul filled with the hopes and promise of meeting you again.” He said, after a moment. “When the spring came, and melted away the snow…it also melted my heart. All I could think about was the day that we would see each other again. How good it would feel to hold you in my arms again, after waiting for you for so long. I waited for three years, only going off the strength you gave me in the past, and in my dreams.” He half laughed sadly before glancing down sadly. “B-but…you never came.” He stuttered out.
Jonghyun couldn’t stop the tears anymore and slipped up, allowing for a single tear to fall down his cheek. Kibum saw it and hesitantly moved his hand up. Jonghyun had his eyes closed tightly, and didn’t see the younger boy move closer to him, and only stayed still. Kibum watched as his hand trembled in the air next to Jonghyun before finally mustering up all the courage he had to shakily wipe the tear off of Jonghyun’s cheek softly. Jonghyun winced at the touch, as if he was electrocuted by the contact. Kibum half smiled lightly before moving his hand back to his side.
“During that next spring…I realized that I had already started to grow up. I started to mature and realize that ending my life because you left wasn’t going to take away the pain. A-and when I realized that you weren’t going to come and get me, I learned that sitting around waiting wasn’t going to bring you back.” He said, after a moment. “So…” He half smiled lighter. “…I matured and realized that if I really love something or someone with all my heart, that I have to be able to work hard and show them how much I love and want them.” He slowly glanced back at Jonghyun. “That’s when I decided.” He stood up and smiled fully.
“I decided that I was going to find you again, and win you back! I wasn’t going to stay where I was and wait anymore. Kim Jonghyun, I love you with all my life, and I’m never gonna to stop. You already promised me when we were five years old, that you would marry me. You can’t go back on your promise! And I’m not going to give up until I have you fulfill that promise! I’m not gonna stop until I have you back at my side! I love you with my whole heart, and I’m going to make you remember me! So, you can send me away, Jonghyun, but I won’t give up! Not until you realize everything that you are to me!”
Jonghyun gnawed his lip as roughly as he could until he was sure that he couldn’t take anymore. He couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t listen to another word Kibum said. He damned himself as he began trembling shakily. He felt like he had no breath left, and the struggled to breathe. The only thing he could think about was running. Running away from everything. Away from Kibum, away from his life, away from everything. This was too much for him to handle.
“I have to go….” Jonghyun’s barren voice said after a moment, deprived of all emotion. The sound that came out of his mouth hardly sounded like a voice, let alone Jonghyun’s. Instead of Jonghyun’s rich and strong normal voice, escaping from his talented vocal cords, it sounded like a cold recording, completely emotionless and broken.
Kibum glanced up quickly, his eyes wide. “J-Jonghyun, w-wait!” He stuttered quickly. However, he was cut off by Jonghyun shakily rising from where he had been sitting, and stood up.
“I’m sorry. I have to leave.” Jonghyun’s voice said again, his voice hardly sounding like his own.
“J-Jonghyun, don’t go! J-just wait!” Kibum pleaded.
“I have to go.” Was the only reply.
Kibum felt fear take over is body as he quickly grabbed onto Jonghyun’s arm as tightly as he could. “N-no! J-Jonghyun, it’s me who has to go! P-please, d-don’t leave again! Please! Don’t disappear!” He pleaded, as Jonghyun looked away from him, bangs covering his eyes as he continued to stand with no emotion on his face. “I-I’ll leave now…j-just don’t disappear from my life again. I-I can’t take you being gone. I-I’ll chase you to the end of the earth if I have to.” He stuttered.
Jonghyun didn’t move, but felt Kibum’s trembling grasp on his arm fall. “I-I’ll go now…” Kibum whispered, tears falling from his eyes. “I-I’ll go.” Jonghyun struggled from his breath as he felt Kibum move from his side, and heard him walk to the door.
“I’m sorry…Kibum. I can’t be with you again. I just can’t.”
~★~!~♥~★~!~♥~★~!~♥~★~!~♥~★~!~♥~★~!~♥~★~!~♥~★~!~♥~★~!~♥~★~!~♥
PREVIEW: CHAPTER 15; BREATH (TO TAKE A LIFE)
Couple: MinKey/JongKey
Genre: ANGST, Romance, Drama
Rated: PG12
Chapter Summary: He knew now what before he had been afraid to realize before, but there was no escaping it now. As the thoughts of how percious every breath from the smaller boy's body filled his mind, his memory was taunted with the same memory. To cause for someone to take their own lives makes you a murderer yourself, and as he held the other boy, he began to realize the depth of his hatred. The one who caused this--no where to be found. His anger boiled within until he felt the other move slightly in his arms and take a breath. The percious breath that he didn't know meant so much to him before. if he caused a replay for that day again, he would surely take him away from him forever.
My Note!
Okay, I'm sorry for the late update. I recently fell ill and don't have much strength to write a lot. (That's also why there are so many mistakes in this writing, so let me know if there's any really bad mistakes I have to fix, okay?). These two chapters are setting up for the main belly of the story. Next chapter I write will be the most angsty one ever, and Minho will become a bigger character. (I swear, Taeminnie and Onew WILL come too!). But, until then, allow me to introduce the color coding system! I started color coding things to make them more dramatic during certin parts and of important things that foreshadow things. Here's the key:
Kibum: Pink
Jonghyun: Blue
Minho: Purple
Taemin will be yellow and Onew green, but they don't have very big roles in store for them so, unfortunately they're not as imporant to remember. That's all for now. I'll update as soon as my health returns!