When We Were Kings (Part Four: You Don't Need to Save Yourself)
Part Three
Pairing: HimLo, HimUp
Rated: PG13
Length: 3.3K
Will you come back
Time will save you
You don't need to save yourself
- (X)
He had three months until the wedding to get his life together. Three months to do something that he hadn't been able to do in six years. Himchan knew it was impossible. Why even bother trying?
But he owed it to them to at least give it a shot. Even if he couldn't completely change (and he wasn't sure he even could, not after the things he did), he could do something, anything, to make them all think he was doing okay.
He started by eating more. Even when the food tasted like sawdust and went down his dry throat into a shrunken stomach that wanted no part of it, he still tried. His phone's alarm was dutifully set to go off three times a day: breakfast, lunch and dinner. Meals were carefully plotted out on a brand-new planner he had went to the store and bought with money he could have used on more pills but didn't. He started every day with a smoothie because it went down a lot easier than food first thing in the morning. Lunch was the same bowl of soup and sandwich that he brought every day to work, only now he forced himself to finish it. A thermos of water went with him everywhere and he made it a point to fill it at least twice by bedtime. By dinner he was usually a little queasy from all the extra calories and liquid sloshing around in his system so he was barely able to choke down a few crackers, but he knew it was still a lot healthier than his previous days meals had been.
By the end of the first week he was already feeling a little bit more energized and by week two he had gained an entire two pounds back.
The need for his pills was still there and Himchan wasn't stupid enough to think he would ever be able to diet and exercise those away. He still had to have them every couple of days and that first weekend he went through one excrutiating Jongup High. It had been months since he'd needed that many drugs in his system to function but the realization that he was only two months away from seeing Jongup again hit him hard that Saturday night.
He hadn't taken anything from his former life when he moved. No pictures, no albums, nothing to remind him of what all he'd lost. But he didn't need pictures to remember Jongup's smile, the freckle on his nose that was barely visible under all the makeup they caked on them, but when they were in the dorm it was dark and beautiful against his pale skin. The crooked bottom teeth that always embarrassed him but Himchan loved because they weren't perfect, they didn't have to be, they were Jongup's. Even his soft laughter was still on a loop inside Himchan's brain.
It took him all of Sunday to get off the couch and try to fix something to eat, his shaky hands spilling the boiling water for his noodles all over his sweater.
By Monday he was a little better, only needed two pain pills that morning to get back on his feet.
The weekly therapy visits his doctor had set up for him were always cancelled, he couldn’t remember the last one he had made it to, but in the third week (ten weeks to go and counting) he decided he could do it. He'd gained some weight back, he was actually enjoying the breakfast smoothie finally, and Junhong had called the night before to check on him and they'd had an hour long conversation.
Himchan was ready to be better, ready to try and be better.
"Mr. Kim!" The receptionist froze, her hand halfway to the phone on her desk. "You're- You're here!"
His smile was timid but he nodded and took another step into the waiting room. "I have an appointment at four?"
"I know, but…" She blinked rapidly and shook her head. "When you didn't cancel I thought maybe you had just forgotten. Come in, sit down. The doctor will be done in just a few minutes."
The chairs were cracked plastic and uncomfortable but he was too nervous to concentrate on the way they dug into his back. He picked up a magazine and flipped through it idly, not paying attention to the articles he flew past.
"Himchan?" Dr. Lee stuck her head out of her office door and smiled brightly. "So nice to see you again. Come on in."
Her office was a stark contrast to the brightly lit, informal waiting room outside. Dark paneled walls and a black leather couch made the room feel cozy and inviting. It was done on purpose, he knew, but it still worked for him.
She motioned for him to take a seat on the couch as she slipped into the green oversized armchair next to it. "I've been worried about you. You've canceled all of your appointments for the last seven months. If these appointments were mandatory like your check-ups are I would have been even more concerned."
The check-ups were a requirement for his parole and he only attended them because one night in jail was more than enough for him, thank you. The best part about them was they were always scheduled weeks in advance so he knew when to hold off on the drugs so they wouldn’t show up on his tests.
"I've not felt like talking," He shrugged. "And I work a lot."
"Keeping yourself busy helps, doesn't it." She started taking notes in her notepad. "Still at the same job?"
He nodded, settling back against the comfortable couch. Maybe he should save up for a leather one, too. His was ratty and smelled like mildew and came with the apartment when he moved in.
"I like it at the factory. We only stop to eat and the day passes quicker when I work."
She looked up from the paper with a frown. "I know feeling the time passing by helps to keep you on the right track but you still need to make time for you. What do you do on the weekends?" His silence gave her the answer. "Still using?"
Himchan knew that doctor-patient confidentiality would keep their conversations a secret but he still didn't like going into detail over every single thing that was wrong with him. "Mmhmm."
"What all are you taking?"
"The pain pills still. And alco-" He broke off with a start. Using his fingers he quickly calculated what day it was and when the last time he had needed a drink before bed. "I haven't had a drink in two and a half weeks."
She tilted her head to the side. "You sound surprised. Why is that?"
"I didn't realize… He had kept himself so busy with work and trying to eat regular meals that when he took a shower after dinner he was too exhausted to even think about drinking. The alcohol was usually just for when the pills didn't hit the spot and he must not have had need of it lately. His eyes closed and he counted to twenty, barely enough time to catch his breath for what he needed to say next.
"Take your time, Himchan. We're not in a hurry."
His hands clenched into the jacket he had placed in his lap. When he finally lifted his head and met her eyes he felt stronger and back in control.
"I want to get better."
Dr. Lee put the notebook down and contemplated his words. "That's a big goal, Himchan. What brought it on?"
"Youngjae's getting married," He twisted the zipper of his jacket around and chewed on his lower lip. "I'm invited to the wedding and I don't want to be this way anymore. I miss the old me."
The only sound in the room was the pen scratching notes on her paper. After a few minutes she reached behind her to the desk and grabbed a card.
"I'm very proud of you for finally coming to me for help. You can't do it on your own though. Here's a rehab facility I recommend. They're very sensitive to addicts and high-profile patients." The pen tapped on the paper and she smiled gently at him. "I think it's time you finally told me what happened the night you were arrested, Himchan."
He'd told her about the band, about how his addiction had started, he'd even talked their entire hour once all about Jongup. But he'd never been brave enough to broach that night with anyone. It was something he wanted to forget but knew would always hang over him like a storm cloud.
"It was my fault," He swallowed dryly and took a deep breath. "Junhong blames himself but I was older. I was responsible for him. Everything was my fault."
---
It had been four days since he'd slept with Jongup and they hadn't spoken about it since. Jongup wouldn't even look him in the eyes and if Himchan got too near he would jump away as if spooked by his very presence. The only thing Himchan had left was the faint scent of him on his pillow and even that was fading.
"We need to go somewhere," Yongguk had been jiggling his leg for twenty-two minutes and Himchan was about five jiggles away from sitting on him. "Let's go to the movies or something."
Daehyun rolled his eyes at Yongguk's suggestion. "Lame."
"Do you have a better idea?"
"As a matter of fact, I do," Daehyun pulled his cellphone out of his pocket and pulled up an email from one of his friends. "There's a pop-up party about fifteen minutes from here. They pick new places every Saturday and I'm on the mailing list."
Yongguk looked wary. "What's a pop-up party?"
"Something too cool for you," Daehyun responded dryly. "But maybe it will pull the stick out of your ass. Want to go?"
"I'm in," Youngjae raised his hand from where he sat at the table, reading a book and pretending it was interesting.
Daehyun raised an eyebrow Himchan's direction but he shrugged him off. The last thing he needed was to go somewhere loud and be surrounded by a bunch of people he didn't know. The performances and fan signings were already starting to give him the shakes, he knew a party would be stress overload.
"Can I go?" Junhong looked hopefully at Daehyun, bright eyes turning crestfallen the longer it took the older boy to reply.
"I'm sorry Junhong," He sounded like he meant it. "I think you're too young to get in. But hey, Himchan's staying with you."
Junhong nodded but his eyes blinked heavily. The circles under them were almost as dark as Himchan's were getting and he knew they looked like two screwed up peas in a pod.
"I'll go," Jongup stood in the doorway of their bedroom and smiled awkwardly. "I like parties."
Even though he'd confessed to Himchan two years ago that he got an upset stomach when the members forced him to go to dance clubs and bars. He said he'd rather stay at home and feel safe. But maybe 'safe' and 'Himchan' didn't go together any longer.
"Great!" Daehyun clicked his phone off and jumped to his feet. "I'll RSVP yes for the four of us. It starts in an hour."
Yongguk trailed after him to his bedroom. "Do you think I should bring something? A cheese sampler? Wine?"
"Maybe I'll just RSVP for three…"
---
"So you and Junhong were left alone in the dorm while the rest of the members went to a party?" Dr. Lee scribbled that information down. "Did anyone not think that was a bad idea? I know Jongup was informed of your problems."
"He wanted to get away from me more than anything else," Himchan was on his back on the couch by this time, fingers reaching above him to trace patterns in the ceiling. "They all thought I was the best at handling Junhong. I was the only one who knew how to handle him when he was falling off the deep end."
Dr. Lee grabbed Himchan's file off her desk and flipped through it. "It says here that Junhong's blood alcohol level was one point three times over the legal limit. I'm not sure that you handled him very well that night."
Himchan knew exactly just how over the limit Junhong was. He had been two feet away from him as he drank himself into a stupor and he hadn't been able to do a thing about it. In fact he'd more than matched him shot for shot before Junhong had even discovered the tequila bottle.
But he was getting ahead of himself. Dr. Lee needed to hear his version of the story at least. He deserved a fair trial in her esteem.
---
"I'm bored," Junhong beat on the bathroom door and whined the same sentiment for the tenth time that night. "Himchannie?"
He sighed and rubbed the sweat out of his eyes as he tried to ignore Junhong's annoying pounding on the door. The line of pill dust on the counter was only halfway gone but he wasn't sure if he would be able to finish it tonight or if he would need to bag it back up. Every time Junhong's fist struck the wood behind him he jumped and almost poked his credit card into his eye.
The corners of the card were coated with the dust they'd been sweeping into a pile for him to breathe in. He wished Junhong would go away soon. The credit card had gotten more high than he had so far.
"Please Himchan? I need to be around someone."
Himchan couldn't resist the pleading tone in his voice and Junhong had always exploited that fact. He swiped the pill dust back into a baggie and opened the door, grinning widely at him. "What's up?"
"What were you doing?" Junhong peered around him and wrinkled a nose at the stench in the room. "It smells like a bar in here."
The bottle of tequila was cleverly hidden in the vent above the door. Sometimes he needed a shot of confidence before crushing his pills. It made him feel like a junkie to snort them and he could stop anytime he wanted to, he knew he could.
"What do you want?" He tried to slip past him but Junhong was so much taller and stronger than him that a heavy arm around his shoulders was enough to stop him in his tracks. "Let me go."
Junhong leaned forward to sniff at his breath. "Are you drinking? In the bathroom?" With a loud bark of laughter he pushed Himchan out of the way and jumped inside the room, opening every cabinet he could. "Where is it? I want some."
Himchan tried in vain to grab him and convince him this wasn't a good idea but once Junhong got something into his head there was no stopping him.
"I've been suspicious of you for a few months," Junhong gave up on the cabinets and moved to the closet beside the sink. "You're always tired. You've lost weight. Jongup walks around like he's scared to death of you," That one stung but Himchan pushed it back. "But I never suspected drinking. I thought maybe you were addicted to porn." He shut the closet door and turned back to Himchan with a pout. "It would make me feel better. Please let me have some. Please. I need something to make me feel like I’m not crazy for just one night."
He didn’t meant to do it, if he'd had his way Junhong would be in bed with a glass of chocolate milk and a book in his hands right now, but as soon as Junhong finished talking Himchan's eyes slid towards the vent cover by accident.
The sly grin that curled up Junhong's lips would taunt him for years afterwards. That was the moment Himchan's entire world started to crumble down around him and he was powerless to stop it.
"Thanks Himchannie."
The hard shove against his chest knocked the wind out of him and before he knew what was happening he found himself on the floor of the hallway and the door slammed and locked in his face.
By the time he convinced Junhong to come out thirty minutes later he was bleary-eyed and stumbling and begging him for things Himchan never dreamed of giving him.
---
"That was what you were arrested for. Supplying alcohol to minors." Dr. Lee leaned back in her chair and let Himchan's story sink in for a moment. "There was no mention of anything sexual happening in the police report. Why was that?"
Himchan could still feel the way Junhong's hands pawed at his clothes and how he had pleaded with the younger boy to stop, just stop, go to bed, to no avail.
"The other boys kept it quiet. I don't think it was to help me out, more to protect Junhong from a bigger media backlash."
"I know you still talk to Junhong. Does he share the blame for what happened or does he put it all on you?"
Please Himchan, please, I need this, I won't ask again I swear, please I need to feel something, I need-
"He thinks it was all his own fault," Himchan shook the memories out of his head and sighed. "But I was older, it was my fault he got drunk. I should have pushed him away harder when he…" When his hands were unyielding against him and his cheek was pressed against his thigh. Just once, just once, let me make you happy again Channie…
Dr. Lee finished writing and placed the notebook on the desk. "In my opinion you were both at fault, no one more than the other. You both need to take responsibility and make amends. From what you've told me Junhong has already tried that. Now it's your turn. Getting sober and clean will be a good start, Himchan. The best kind of start."
The hands he held tightly clenched in his lap were covered over with her softer ones. He looked up to see her staring intently at him.
"The program is for sixty days. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done before. You will feel worse before you can feel better. Do you think you can do it? I do. I can see how much you hate yourself for everything that's happened and I know you feel guilt for the horrible way you've treated your family and friends. That's the sign of someone who can get better. If you didn't feel that way then the program would be worthless for you."
"I miss my parents," He whispered, feeling a lump crawling up his throat. "My mom hates me now."
"No, no," Dr. Lee shook her head, the grip on Himchan's hands getting tighter. "Your mother probably hates herself for what happened, not you. She thinks it's her fault and that she couldn't protect you from it. I have two sons and I know how mother's think. Call her. Go home right now and call her and tell her you're getting help. Trust me, it will be the greatest thing to happen to her in years."
He nodded, letting her help him to his feet. "Do I need to call the rehab facility and tell them I'm coming? What about work?"
"Let me take care of all of that," She folded the card and slid it into his jacket pocket. "Go home and pack your bags first thing so you don't lose your nerve. Call your mom and Junhong so you have a support system waiting for you on the outside. Then just go straight to the address on the card. No stops, no delay."
Himchan's heart was racing and sweat was pricking at every pore in his skin but for the first time in years he felt something he had forgotten he could even feel.
Hope was starting slow in his stomach and spreading outwards, into his veins and firing along his synapses.
Hope would get him through this.
--------------
Part Five
Pairing: HimLo, HimUp
Rated: PG13
Length: 3.3K
Will you come back
Time will save you
You don't need to save yourself
- (X)
He had three months until the wedding to get his life together. Three months to do something that he hadn't been able to do in six years. Himchan knew it was impossible. Why even bother trying?
But he owed it to them to at least give it a shot. Even if he couldn't completely change (and he wasn't sure he even could, not after the things he did), he could do something, anything, to make them all think he was doing okay.
He started by eating more. Even when the food tasted like sawdust and went down his dry throat into a shrunken stomach that wanted no part of it, he still tried. His phone's alarm was dutifully set to go off three times a day: breakfast, lunch and dinner. Meals were carefully plotted out on a brand-new planner he had went to the store and bought with money he could have used on more pills but didn't. He started every day with a smoothie because it went down a lot easier than food first thing in the morning. Lunch was the same bowl of soup and sandwich that he brought every day to work, only now he forced himself to finish it. A thermos of water went with him everywhere and he made it a point to fill it at least twice by bedtime. By dinner he was usually a little queasy from all the extra calories and liquid sloshing around in his system so he was barely able to choke down a few crackers, but he knew it was still a lot healthier than his previous days meals had been.
By the end of the first week he was already feeling a little bit more energized and by week two he had gained an entire two pounds back.
The need for his pills was still there and Himchan wasn't stupid enough to think he would ever be able to diet and exercise those away. He still had to have them every couple of days and that first weekend he went through one excrutiating Jongup High. It had been months since he'd needed that many drugs in his system to function but the realization that he was only two months away from seeing Jongup again hit him hard that Saturday night.
He hadn't taken anything from his former life when he moved. No pictures, no albums, nothing to remind him of what all he'd lost. But he didn't need pictures to remember Jongup's smile, the freckle on his nose that was barely visible under all the makeup they caked on them, but when they were in the dorm it was dark and beautiful against his pale skin. The crooked bottom teeth that always embarrassed him but Himchan loved because they weren't perfect, they didn't have to be, they were Jongup's. Even his soft laughter was still on a loop inside Himchan's brain.
It took him all of Sunday to get off the couch and try to fix something to eat, his shaky hands spilling the boiling water for his noodles all over his sweater.
By Monday he was a little better, only needed two pain pills that morning to get back on his feet.
The weekly therapy visits his doctor had set up for him were always cancelled, he couldn’t remember the last one he had made it to, but in the third week (ten weeks to go and counting) he decided he could do it. He'd gained some weight back, he was actually enjoying the breakfast smoothie finally, and Junhong had called the night before to check on him and they'd had an hour long conversation.
Himchan was ready to be better, ready to try and be better.
"Mr. Kim!" The receptionist froze, her hand halfway to the phone on her desk. "You're- You're here!"
His smile was timid but he nodded and took another step into the waiting room. "I have an appointment at four?"
"I know, but…" She blinked rapidly and shook her head. "When you didn't cancel I thought maybe you had just forgotten. Come in, sit down. The doctor will be done in just a few minutes."
The chairs were cracked plastic and uncomfortable but he was too nervous to concentrate on the way they dug into his back. He picked up a magazine and flipped through it idly, not paying attention to the articles he flew past.
"Himchan?" Dr. Lee stuck her head out of her office door and smiled brightly. "So nice to see you again. Come on in."
Her office was a stark contrast to the brightly lit, informal waiting room outside. Dark paneled walls and a black leather couch made the room feel cozy and inviting. It was done on purpose, he knew, but it still worked for him.
She motioned for him to take a seat on the couch as she slipped into the green oversized armchair next to it. "I've been worried about you. You've canceled all of your appointments for the last seven months. If these appointments were mandatory like your check-ups are I would have been even more concerned."
The check-ups were a requirement for his parole and he only attended them because one night in jail was more than enough for him, thank you. The best part about them was they were always scheduled weeks in advance so he knew when to hold off on the drugs so they wouldn’t show up on his tests.
"I've not felt like talking," He shrugged. "And I work a lot."
"Keeping yourself busy helps, doesn't it." She started taking notes in her notepad. "Still at the same job?"
He nodded, settling back against the comfortable couch. Maybe he should save up for a leather one, too. His was ratty and smelled like mildew and came with the apartment when he moved in.
"I like it at the factory. We only stop to eat and the day passes quicker when I work."
She looked up from the paper with a frown. "I know feeling the time passing by helps to keep you on the right track but you still need to make time for you. What do you do on the weekends?" His silence gave her the answer. "Still using?"
Himchan knew that doctor-patient confidentiality would keep their conversations a secret but he still didn't like going into detail over every single thing that was wrong with him. "Mmhmm."
"What all are you taking?"
"The pain pills still. And alco-" He broke off with a start. Using his fingers he quickly calculated what day it was and when the last time he had needed a drink before bed. "I haven't had a drink in two and a half weeks."
She tilted her head to the side. "You sound surprised. Why is that?"
"I didn't realize… He had kept himself so busy with work and trying to eat regular meals that when he took a shower after dinner he was too exhausted to even think about drinking. The alcohol was usually just for when the pills didn't hit the spot and he must not have had need of it lately. His eyes closed and he counted to twenty, barely enough time to catch his breath for what he needed to say next.
"Take your time, Himchan. We're not in a hurry."
His hands clenched into the jacket he had placed in his lap. When he finally lifted his head and met her eyes he felt stronger and back in control.
"I want to get better."
Dr. Lee put the notebook down and contemplated his words. "That's a big goal, Himchan. What brought it on?"
"Youngjae's getting married," He twisted the zipper of his jacket around and chewed on his lower lip. "I'm invited to the wedding and I don't want to be this way anymore. I miss the old me."
The only sound in the room was the pen scratching notes on her paper. After a few minutes she reached behind her to the desk and grabbed a card.
"I'm very proud of you for finally coming to me for help. You can't do it on your own though. Here's a rehab facility I recommend. They're very sensitive to addicts and high-profile patients." The pen tapped on the paper and she smiled gently at him. "I think it's time you finally told me what happened the night you were arrested, Himchan."
He'd told her about the band, about how his addiction had started, he'd even talked their entire hour once all about Jongup. But he'd never been brave enough to broach that night with anyone. It was something he wanted to forget but knew would always hang over him like a storm cloud.
"It was my fault," He swallowed dryly and took a deep breath. "Junhong blames himself but I was older. I was responsible for him. Everything was my fault."
---
It had been four days since he'd slept with Jongup and they hadn't spoken about it since. Jongup wouldn't even look him in the eyes and if Himchan got too near he would jump away as if spooked by his very presence. The only thing Himchan had left was the faint scent of him on his pillow and even that was fading.
"We need to go somewhere," Yongguk had been jiggling his leg for twenty-two minutes and Himchan was about five jiggles away from sitting on him. "Let's go to the movies or something."
Daehyun rolled his eyes at Yongguk's suggestion. "Lame."
"Do you have a better idea?"
"As a matter of fact, I do," Daehyun pulled his cellphone out of his pocket and pulled up an email from one of his friends. "There's a pop-up party about fifteen minutes from here. They pick new places every Saturday and I'm on the mailing list."
Yongguk looked wary. "What's a pop-up party?"
"Something too cool for you," Daehyun responded dryly. "But maybe it will pull the stick out of your ass. Want to go?"
"I'm in," Youngjae raised his hand from where he sat at the table, reading a book and pretending it was interesting.
Daehyun raised an eyebrow Himchan's direction but he shrugged him off. The last thing he needed was to go somewhere loud and be surrounded by a bunch of people he didn't know. The performances and fan signings were already starting to give him the shakes, he knew a party would be stress overload.
"Can I go?" Junhong looked hopefully at Daehyun, bright eyes turning crestfallen the longer it took the older boy to reply.
"I'm sorry Junhong," He sounded like he meant it. "I think you're too young to get in. But hey, Himchan's staying with you."
Junhong nodded but his eyes blinked heavily. The circles under them were almost as dark as Himchan's were getting and he knew they looked like two screwed up peas in a pod.
"I'll go," Jongup stood in the doorway of their bedroom and smiled awkwardly. "I like parties."
Even though he'd confessed to Himchan two years ago that he got an upset stomach when the members forced him to go to dance clubs and bars. He said he'd rather stay at home and feel safe. But maybe 'safe' and 'Himchan' didn't go together any longer.
"Great!" Daehyun clicked his phone off and jumped to his feet. "I'll RSVP yes for the four of us. It starts in an hour."
Yongguk trailed after him to his bedroom. "Do you think I should bring something? A cheese sampler? Wine?"
"Maybe I'll just RSVP for three…"
---
"So you and Junhong were left alone in the dorm while the rest of the members went to a party?" Dr. Lee scribbled that information down. "Did anyone not think that was a bad idea? I know Jongup was informed of your problems."
"He wanted to get away from me more than anything else," Himchan was on his back on the couch by this time, fingers reaching above him to trace patterns in the ceiling. "They all thought I was the best at handling Junhong. I was the only one who knew how to handle him when he was falling off the deep end."
Dr. Lee grabbed Himchan's file off her desk and flipped through it. "It says here that Junhong's blood alcohol level was one point three times over the legal limit. I'm not sure that you handled him very well that night."
Himchan knew exactly just how over the limit Junhong was. He had been two feet away from him as he drank himself into a stupor and he hadn't been able to do a thing about it. In fact he'd more than matched him shot for shot before Junhong had even discovered the tequila bottle.
But he was getting ahead of himself. Dr. Lee needed to hear his version of the story at least. He deserved a fair trial in her esteem.
---
"I'm bored," Junhong beat on the bathroom door and whined the same sentiment for the tenth time that night. "Himchannie?"
He sighed and rubbed the sweat out of his eyes as he tried to ignore Junhong's annoying pounding on the door. The line of pill dust on the counter was only halfway gone but he wasn't sure if he would be able to finish it tonight or if he would need to bag it back up. Every time Junhong's fist struck the wood behind him he jumped and almost poked his credit card into his eye.
The corners of the card were coated with the dust they'd been sweeping into a pile for him to breathe in. He wished Junhong would go away soon. The credit card had gotten more high than he had so far.
"Please Himchan? I need to be around someone."
Himchan couldn't resist the pleading tone in his voice and Junhong had always exploited that fact. He swiped the pill dust back into a baggie and opened the door, grinning widely at him. "What's up?"
"What were you doing?" Junhong peered around him and wrinkled a nose at the stench in the room. "It smells like a bar in here."
The bottle of tequila was cleverly hidden in the vent above the door. Sometimes he needed a shot of confidence before crushing his pills. It made him feel like a junkie to snort them and he could stop anytime he wanted to, he knew he could.
"What do you want?" He tried to slip past him but Junhong was so much taller and stronger than him that a heavy arm around his shoulders was enough to stop him in his tracks. "Let me go."
Junhong leaned forward to sniff at his breath. "Are you drinking? In the bathroom?" With a loud bark of laughter he pushed Himchan out of the way and jumped inside the room, opening every cabinet he could. "Where is it? I want some."
Himchan tried in vain to grab him and convince him this wasn't a good idea but once Junhong got something into his head there was no stopping him.
"I've been suspicious of you for a few months," Junhong gave up on the cabinets and moved to the closet beside the sink. "You're always tired. You've lost weight. Jongup walks around like he's scared to death of you," That one stung but Himchan pushed it back. "But I never suspected drinking. I thought maybe you were addicted to porn." He shut the closet door and turned back to Himchan with a pout. "It would make me feel better. Please let me have some. Please. I need something to make me feel like I’m not crazy for just one night."
He didn’t meant to do it, if he'd had his way Junhong would be in bed with a glass of chocolate milk and a book in his hands right now, but as soon as Junhong finished talking Himchan's eyes slid towards the vent cover by accident.
The sly grin that curled up Junhong's lips would taunt him for years afterwards. That was the moment Himchan's entire world started to crumble down around him and he was powerless to stop it.
"Thanks Himchannie."
The hard shove against his chest knocked the wind out of him and before he knew what was happening he found himself on the floor of the hallway and the door slammed and locked in his face.
By the time he convinced Junhong to come out thirty minutes later he was bleary-eyed and stumbling and begging him for things Himchan never dreamed of giving him.
---
"That was what you were arrested for. Supplying alcohol to minors." Dr. Lee leaned back in her chair and let Himchan's story sink in for a moment. "There was no mention of anything sexual happening in the police report. Why was that?"
Himchan could still feel the way Junhong's hands pawed at his clothes and how he had pleaded with the younger boy to stop, just stop, go to bed, to no avail.
"The other boys kept it quiet. I don't think it was to help me out, more to protect Junhong from a bigger media backlash."
"I know you still talk to Junhong. Does he share the blame for what happened or does he put it all on you?"
Please Himchan, please, I need this, I won't ask again I swear, please I need to feel something, I need-
"He thinks it was all his own fault," Himchan shook the memories out of his head and sighed. "But I was older, it was my fault he got drunk. I should have pushed him away harder when he…" When his hands were unyielding against him and his cheek was pressed against his thigh. Just once, just once, let me make you happy again Channie…
Dr. Lee finished writing and placed the notebook on the desk. "In my opinion you were both at fault, no one more than the other. You both need to take responsibility and make amends. From what you've told me Junhong has already tried that. Now it's your turn. Getting sober and clean will be a good start, Himchan. The best kind of start."
The hands he held tightly clenched in his lap were covered over with her softer ones. He looked up to see her staring intently at him.
"The program is for sixty days. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done before. You will feel worse before you can feel better. Do you think you can do it? I do. I can see how much you hate yourself for everything that's happened and I know you feel guilt for the horrible way you've treated your family and friends. That's the sign of someone who can get better. If you didn't feel that way then the program would be worthless for you."
"I miss my parents," He whispered, feeling a lump crawling up his throat. "My mom hates me now."
"No, no," Dr. Lee shook her head, the grip on Himchan's hands getting tighter. "Your mother probably hates herself for what happened, not you. She thinks it's her fault and that she couldn't protect you from it. I have two sons and I know how mother's think. Call her. Go home right now and call her and tell her you're getting help. Trust me, it will be the greatest thing to happen to her in years."
He nodded, letting her help him to his feet. "Do I need to call the rehab facility and tell them I'm coming? What about work?"
"Let me take care of all of that," She folded the card and slid it into his jacket pocket. "Go home and pack your bags first thing so you don't lose your nerve. Call your mom and Junhong so you have a support system waiting for you on the outside. Then just go straight to the address on the card. No stops, no delay."
Himchan's heart was racing and sweat was pricking at every pore in his skin but for the first time in years he felt something he had forgotten he could even feel.
Hope was starting slow in his stomach and spreading outwards, into his veins and firing along his synapses.
Hope would get him through this.
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Part Five