The Reeducation of Himchan part seven
Pairing: HimUp/ZiChan, side BangLo
Rated: PG13 except for one teenyyy tinyyy bit at the end
Length: 4K
part six
“Aw, isn’t that just the cutest thing in the world?” A bright flash of light was the first thing he could comprehend the next time he was awake, a flash and the sound of Yongguk cooing about something. “Hello new home screen.”
Junhong grumbled under his breath and Himchan could feel him sliding out from under him. “He didn’t come home until a few hours ago.”
Yongguk must have turned on the coffee maker because the smell of freshly brewed coffee had Himchan struggling to stay awake. He made the best coffee and if Junhong drank it all then there was going to be hell to pay.
“Is everything alright?” Yongguk’s voice lowered, not realizing he was already awake and eavesdropping. “How were things with Zico?”
“Like shit I would assume.” The sound of the stove being clicked on and a pan placed on the burner was loud in the quiet apartment. “Himchan said Zico hates him.”
There was nothing but the buzz of the ceiling fans for a few moments and Himchan almost drifted back to sleep again until Yongguk spoke up.
“You think we need to be worried again? He’s finally starting to get better.”
Junhong snorted. “If you think he’s getting better than you’re blind. I like Jongup, you know that. He’s sweet and he’s obviously in love with my brother.” He hesitated and Himchan had to strain hard to hear the rest. “But sometimes he scares me. Like he’s not just in love with him, it’s like he’s obsessed with Himchan. Zico trusted Himchan. He probably shouldn’t have but he did. He never checked up on him to make sure he was telling the truth and he didn’t get upset when other boys were around him. Jongup’s… different…”
Himchan was wide awake now and staring wide-eyed at the back of the couch. What Junhong was saying were things he had never mentioned to him, worries Himchan had no idea his little brother was having about them.
Of course he had noticed Jongup being a little extra clingy when they were around other people but Himchan had thought it was cute. When it had happened a few times around Yongguk it had confused him though. He’d never in a million years look twice at his roommate, even if he wasn’t already halfway to married with his brother.
And Junhong had mentioned a few times that Jongup had come by the apartment even though Himchan had told him in advance he was going to be busy with school things.
Did Jongup really not trust him?
After waiting what he felt was an appropriate amount of time so that they didn’t know he was listening he lifted his head over the couch and stretched his fingers towards the coffee pot with a whine.
“Hey sleepyhead.” Junhong shot him a smile and patted the seat next to him at the table. “Come eat. Gukkie’s making us waffles.”
He waited until Yongguk had poured him a cup of coffee before he stumbled his way towards the kitchen. “Too early.”
“It’s almost seven and you have class in an hour and a half. Just because you stayed out all night doesn’t mean you get to skip.”
“Sorry dad.” He snarked, ducking his head from the waffle thrown his direction.
Yongguk slid two waffles onto his plate and pushed the syrup towards him. “Jongup came over twice last night. He doesn’t know where you were because we didn’t even know where you had gone at that point.”
“Are you going to tell him?” His brother posed the question casually but his brows were furrowed tightly in the middle of his forehead.
He sighed, waiting to answer until he had gulped at least half of the burning coffee down his throat. Today was looking like a two cup kind of day so far. “I kind of have to. It’s not like anything happened. We stayed in the same room as his mom and sister the whole time.”
“But he called you, Himchan.” Junhong looked like he wanted to say a lot more and was having a hard time restraining himself. “When he was scared and needed someone Zico called you. That’s a big deal and Jongup isn’t stupid.”
“I know that.” His breakfast that had looked so delicious just a few moments ago now made his stomach turn. “But I couldn’t tell him no. He’s never asked me for anything before.”
Junhong patted his hand and pushed his plate closer, encouraging him to eat. “I know. It was good you went. Rinnie is the most important thing in his life and he was probably terrified. I’m glad you were there for him.”
Himchan swirled the coffee around in his cup and thought back to the way Zico had held onto him when they had first seen Rinnie. How he hadn’t wanted to let go because Himchan was the only thing holding him upright. “You know that just because we broke up it doesn’t mean you two can’t be friends anymore, right?” The confused look on Junhong’s face made him roll his eyes. “Zico said you two never talk to each other anymore and I don’t want you to think I don’t want you talking to him because-“
“I’ve called him every week since you broke up.” Junhong interrupted. “And I’ve texted him several times, too. It’s not that I don’t want to be friends with him anymore it’s that he doesn’t want to be friends with me.” He lost what little patience he had with his annoyingly naïve older brother and scooted his chair back to leave. “Himchan, what did you think would happen when you cheated on him? That was my best friend whose heart you broke. Twice, might I add. Do you really think he wants to be around me anymore? Every time I call it probably just reminds him of you and upsets him because even though you didn’t deserve it, we all knew he loved you for some dumb reason.”
Their bedroom door slammed leaving Himchan and Yongguk sitting awkwardly across the table from each other.
“Your brother’s just worried about you.” Yongguk spoke up quietly. “He wants you to be happy and he can see that you’re not and it kills him.”
“Well I am happy.” He ignored the pain in his chest that the lie caused. “I’m happy with Jongup and I don’t want Zico anymore. We’re over and I accepted that a long time ago.”
He rinsed his plate and cup off in the sink and prayed that Yongguk didn’t say anything else to him because he really couldn’t handle defending himself right now.
--
His class was ten minutes away from starting by the time he made it out of the apartment and onto the path towards the school. Even though he had no desire to spend fifty-five minutes listening to a boring old man drone on about numbers and formulas he forced himself to go because that was what was expected of him. He suddenly realized that he hated living his life based on what people thought he should do and he wondered how different things would have turned out if he had gone on a different path. Music was always his first love but his mother had taken notice of that early on and squashed the joy Himchan felt running his fingers over ivory keys or strumming aimlessly on strings.
What would he be doing now if his major was music like Yongguk’s? He’d be going to class every day with an instrument under his arm and a smile on his face and he’d have friends with the same interests as him. The only reason he had befriended Daehyun was because they had met by chance but what if he met people because of a common like? Ever since his counselor had put the seed of doubt into his mind he had been consumed with the idea of changing majors.
“Too late to worry about that now.” He grumbled under his breath as he rushed up the stairs to the entrance.
Class had started only two minutes earlier so hopefully he wouldn’t already be counted as absent. There was no one he could call to ask for notes so he would have to stay and attend even if it was counted against him.
“Himchan!”
He dropped his notebook as the worried voice shouted his name across the lobby.
“Hey!” Jongup caught up to him and helped pick up the scattered papers that had flown out across the carpet. “What happened yesterday? I called all night.”
“Sorry.” Himchan’s skin felt flushed from the guilt boiling inside of him. “My phone died.”
Jongup looked around the lobby before jumping forward and sliding his lips across Himchan’s. “I was worried about you. Where were you?”
If he told Jongup the truth then he would be upset. He would probably cry and as much as Himchan liked to be the one to make him feel better he had realized weeks ago that he would rather let someone take care of him. Zico had always been there for him to lean on. Dealing with Jongup’s mood swings was tiring and he wondered how Zico had put up with him so easily. Even he didn’t like himself most days.
But if he lied then he was exactly as horrible as Zico had said he was.
“Don’t get mad.”
His boyfriend’s jaw clenched shut and the smile on his lips turned into a frown. “You didn’t.”
Himchan figured it was too late to try and make it to his class now so why bother. He grabbed Jongup’s stiff arm and pulled him outside where they could be alone. “Nothing happened, I promise. Zico’s baby sister is in the hospital and he asked me to come because he was scared.”
“Bullshit.” Jongup jerked his arm free and took a step back. “You went because you wanted to, because you still want him.”
He tried to reason with him but Jongup turned and stormed down the sidewalk towards the parking lot. “I’m with you, Jongup. I went there because he needed someone by his side. His sister was hurt and he was terrified. I didn’t do anything with him, I promise!”
Jongup stopped so suddenly that Himchan tripped over his feet and had to catch himself before he fell. “Did you kiss him?”
“What? Of course not!”
“Did he try to kiss you?”
Himchan huffed and grabbed Jongup by the back of the head, pulling him in and smashing their mouths together. Jongup tried to pull away from him but Himchan held him still and waited for him to calm down and kiss back.
“Do you trust me?” Himchan whispered against his lips. The question had been burning inside of him ever since he had overhead Junhong and Yongguk’s conversation that morning. “When I tell you that I want to be with you and that nothing happened between me and Zico, do you trust me?”
The other boy stayed silent, his fists bunching Himchan’s t-shirt into balls. “I want to.” He answered, finally relaxing into Himchan’s arms. “But I don’t trust him.”
“Don’t worry about him.” Himchan wasn’t sure why Junhong had said those things about Jongup. He was insecure about their relationship but he was also younger and inexperienced, he had every right to be. And his worries had never made Himchan frightened of him. Just a little annoyed and what relationship wasn’t without small annoyances every now and again?
“And you’re not going to talk to him again?”
Himchan couldn’t promise that. A life without having Zico by his side was already hard enough to think about. But a life without ever hearing his voice again or seeing him smile made him want to weep.
“Jongup…” He pressed his lips to the angry boy’s temple and kissed softly down his jaw. “I only went because he needed a friend. He’s fine now so I came home. I’m here with you, okay? Are we okay?”
Jongup smiled but his eyebrows were still furrowed and his lips were thinned tensely. “Yeah. Yeah, we’re okay.” He slid his hand into Himchan’s and squeezed. “Come home with me?”
He had another class in less than an hour but Jongup looked so broken standing in front of him with worried eyes and chewing on his bottom lip nervously that Himchan could only nod and follow him towards his dorm.
“Is his sister okay?” Jongup asked quietly when they were in the elevator.
“She should be. I think she has to stay in the hospital a little bit longer before they can bring her home.”
Jongup nodded, waiting until they were in his empty dorm before wrapping tight arms around Himchan’s waist. “Don’t do that again.” He ordered into Himchan’s neck, teeth sinking in painfully below his pulse. “I won’t let him near you again.” His mouth worked hard against Himchan’s thin skin until Himchan was whimpering and shoving at his chest. “Next time I’ll tear him apart from head to foot.” Jongup growled, completely ignoring the way Himchan pleaded with him to let go. “Mine, mine, you’re mine.”
His teeth finally lifted from the deep indentions they had left in Himchan’s skin. The bite was large and already stained a bright red, right above where his shirt collar would go. There would be no hiding this one.
“That hurt, Jongup.”
His boyfriend finally heard the wounded tone in Himchan’s voice and the fire in his eyes abated until he was curled around Himchan and apologizing tearfully.
“I hate him, I hate you being next to him, I hate that he got to hear your voice and be in your thoughts.” Jongup shook wildly next to him as he stroked his hands across Himchan’s cheeks and down his chest, over his arms and under the hem of his shirt. “He can’t have you back. I won’t let him take you again.”
Himchan finally understood why Junhong had been so worried because even though he still wasn’t scared of Jongup, he knew the trembling boy in his arms would never seriously hurt him, he was still frightened that Jongup was so intense with his possessiveness.
“He doesn’t want me back, Jongup. We never even talked about getting back together.” He spoke softly and evenly as he tried to calm his boyfriend down. “His friends are all worthless losers who drink all day and he had no one else but me to turn to.”
“Why couldn’t he call Junhong then?” Jongup’s voice was muffled against his chest. His arms were wrapped so tightly around Himchan’s waist that he felt his insides getting crushed. “You two broke up. You left him for me. He shouldn’t even have your number anymore.”
Himchan didn’t think that now was the time to correct him about the exact reasons why he broke up with Zico. That the thought had already been gnawing at the corner of his mind long before he even met Jongup. That Zico had grown so distant from him that he had practically thrown himself in Jongup’s direction the second he showed him a little attention.
All he had ever wanted was someone to look at him with want in their eyes.
“Don’t be upset.” Himchan’s smile wobbled a little but he had to put on an unconcerned expression because he was worried Jongup would be able to smell his anxiety. “It’s just you and me, right here, right now. No more talk about Zico.” Because when he said his name his whole chest tightened with anticipation. Even though his brain knew Zico was miles away, his body still betrayed him.
Jongup growled into his collarbones. “I don’t even want his name on your tongue.” He lifted Himchan’s hands to his waist and pressed them into his skin. “Touch me? Show me you want me, not him.”
He had shown him, over and over. Every time they were alone Jongup asked for the same thing, to be set above Zico in Himchan’s mind. But it was different with him. Not bad per se, just not even close to being comparable. When Himchan had pressed Zico into the bed it was almost always with smiles and laughter and happy kisses that made his heart melt and his body heavy and sluggish. But Jongup preferred the quiet, the only sound in the room their heavy breathing and the beat of their hearts. He wanted love. Zico had wanted everything. The love, the anger, the ache between them growing and growing until they were breathless with happiness.
“I want you,” Jongup pleaded. “Why won’t you sleep with me? It’s been months.”
“I don’t want you to ever think of me as a mis-“
Jongup hissed, taking a step backwards and shaking his head. “I’ve told you. You’re not a mistake, you’d never be a mistake. I love you, Himchan.” He tugged his t-shirt off and stormed towards his bedroom, returning quickly with the necessary items to get what he wanted. “If you don’t give it to me then I’m done. Then we’re done.”
Words a desperate man would say, Himchan thought to himself as he blearily let Jongup strip him of his clothes. Empty promises because they both knew that Jongup wouldn’t let Himchan out of his sight for long enough to leave.
“It’s not right when you’re angry.” He murmured as Jongup toppled him onto the couch, climbing overtop his waist and locking him in with strong legs. “You don’t want it like this.”
Jongup ignored him. His wild eyes looked right through Himchan’s worried ones, hips bucking down and making them both flushed with pleasure.
“You don’t love him.” Jongup slicked his fingers and reached behind himself, eyelashes fluttering and bottom lip dropping down with a long moan. “Himchan…”
No matter how confused he became or how tightly coiled in apprehension his body was he couldn’t stop the flicker of desire light up inside of him at the image of Jongup coming apart on top of him. It wasn’t all a lie that he felt for the younger boy. There was probably nothing in the world sexier than Moon Jongup fucking himself open while staring worshipfully at the object of his affections.
“You’re amazing, Jongup.” He told him honestly as he ran his hands up the boy’s smooth thighs. “And you deserve someone who looks at you the same way you look at them.”
For the first time in their relationship Jongup didn’t look so heartbroken when Himchan told him he wasn’t good enough. Resignation was visible in every crease of his skin and every blink he made staring down at his boyfriend.
“But I just want you.”
Jongup’s broken voice was what forced Himchan to grab his wrist and still his frantic movements.
“I think I already belong to someone else.”
--
Junhong threw the last suitcase into the back of Yongguk’s car before turning to his older brother with tears in his eyes. “You’re really going to do this then? No changing your mind?”
He shook his head and held his arms out for Junhong to fall into, the sobbing boy melting against him. “I’ll be okay.” He whispered against his silky hair. The arms around his waist tightened and Junhong’s crying echoed loudly in the quiet morning. “Someone told me a while ago that I might actually make it on my own if I did something for myself for once.”
“That person was an idiot.” Junhong replied with a muffled voice. “He deserves to be slapped for filling your head with those lies.”
Himchan laughed and pulled his brother away to look him in the eyes. “Nah. I think he was right. And he’s a pretty great baby brother so I don’t really want him hurt.”
“You know you can call us anytime, right? Day or night. And I bought you some magazines for the plane ride. I put them in your backpack. Yongguk baked some disgusting health bars for you to snack on.”
“Hey! Those have three servings of fr-“
“I already threw them away.” Junhong continued, ignoring his boyfriend. “And packed a ton of candy instead. There’s four kinds of chocolate bars and some crackers, but not those nasty wheat ones Yongguk buys, these are the salty ones we like and-“
Himchan pressed a kiss to his brother’s forehead. “Don’t worry. I’ll be fine, Junhong. Go back inside and I’ll call you when the plane lands.”
He waited until Junhong had shut the entry door to climb into Yongguk’s front seat. They drove slowly in the still dim morning towards the airport. Himchan pressed his forehead against the cold glass and tried to take each street and building in because he wouldn’t be seeing them for a long time.
“There are hundreds of universities in Korea and you couldn’t pick a single one?”
Smiling, he turned his head and prepared to defend himself for the hundredth time. “I could have picked ten I liked, but none offered me a full scholarship like this one. Apparently American schools welcome foreign students with open arms.” Open arms and open checkbooks was more like it. The second he had gone to his counselor to inquire about switching to a music major and maybe studying abroad she had found him three schools in the states that offered him a full ride immediately.
Yongguk stared gloomily out the front window as he pulled into the airport parking lot. “Your brother’s going to be miserable without you. He’s going to be a giant pain in my ass until you come home. I think he even mentioned making a countdown calendar to mark the days off.”
“That’s a lot of days to mess with. I’m going to be gone for at least four years.”
Wincing, Yongguk turned the key and the car stilled, leaving them enclosed in the tense quiet. “I’m going to miss you.” He murmured under his breath. “I know that when I started dating Junhong things were weird for a while but-“
“I know, Guk. Me too.” Himchan covered his best friend’s hand with his own to stop his rambling. “Just take care of my baby brother and know that if you ever break his heart I will hunt you down and rip yours out.”
They both grinned because it was unsaid that Junhong would do his own dirty work if needed.
“And you’ll call at least once a week? Don’t think he won’t fly to New York and search the entire city top to bottom just to chew you out.”
“I’ll call twice a week.” He promised. His lip was chapped from the constant nervous chewing he had been doing over the last few months and it stung as he sucked it between his teeth. Saying goodbye to the only real family he had and his home country in the same day made his eyes dampen. “You’ll tell him goodbye for me, right? If he ever shows up wanting to know where I am. Not that I think he will, I really don’t. But…” Forcing a smile back on he shook his head and reached for the door. “Forget that. He won’t.”
“Himchan.” Yongguk met him at the back of the car and helped him with the few bags he had. “He’ll show up. One day.” He awkwardly pulled Himchan into a hug.
Himchan was glad the sun was starting to finally rise over the horizon. Now he could say goodbye to Korea properly. Everything appeared covered in mist and sparkling jewels as the light hit the thin covering of dew still covering the ground. He thought Korea was so beautiful and awe-inspiring and he felt a twinge of uncertainty that he could actually do this.
“Do you think he would be proud of me?” Himchan swallowed the lump that talking about him always brought up. “That I’m doing something that I want and not what I’m told to?”
Yongguk nodded his head. “I think he’s going to be furious that you left without telling him, but yeah, he’ll understand.” He grinned at him from across the hood of the car. “Zico thought rainbows flew out of your ass, Himchan. He won’t be mad at you for forever.”
And with heart heavy and full of regrets, Himchan said goodbye.
Rated: PG13 except for one teenyyy tinyyy bit at the end
Length: 4K
part six
“Aw, isn’t that just the cutest thing in the world?” A bright flash of light was the first thing he could comprehend the next time he was awake, a flash and the sound of Yongguk cooing about something. “Hello new home screen.”
Junhong grumbled under his breath and Himchan could feel him sliding out from under him. “He didn’t come home until a few hours ago.”
Yongguk must have turned on the coffee maker because the smell of freshly brewed coffee had Himchan struggling to stay awake. He made the best coffee and if Junhong drank it all then there was going to be hell to pay.
“Is everything alright?” Yongguk’s voice lowered, not realizing he was already awake and eavesdropping. “How were things with Zico?”
“Like shit I would assume.” The sound of the stove being clicked on and a pan placed on the burner was loud in the quiet apartment. “Himchan said Zico hates him.”
There was nothing but the buzz of the ceiling fans for a few moments and Himchan almost drifted back to sleep again until Yongguk spoke up.
“You think we need to be worried again? He’s finally starting to get better.”
Junhong snorted. “If you think he’s getting better than you’re blind. I like Jongup, you know that. He’s sweet and he’s obviously in love with my brother.” He hesitated and Himchan had to strain hard to hear the rest. “But sometimes he scares me. Like he’s not just in love with him, it’s like he’s obsessed with Himchan. Zico trusted Himchan. He probably shouldn’t have but he did. He never checked up on him to make sure he was telling the truth and he didn’t get upset when other boys were around him. Jongup’s… different…”
Himchan was wide awake now and staring wide-eyed at the back of the couch. What Junhong was saying were things he had never mentioned to him, worries Himchan had no idea his little brother was having about them.
Of course he had noticed Jongup being a little extra clingy when they were around other people but Himchan had thought it was cute. When it had happened a few times around Yongguk it had confused him though. He’d never in a million years look twice at his roommate, even if he wasn’t already halfway to married with his brother.
And Junhong had mentioned a few times that Jongup had come by the apartment even though Himchan had told him in advance he was going to be busy with school things.
Did Jongup really not trust him?
After waiting what he felt was an appropriate amount of time so that they didn’t know he was listening he lifted his head over the couch and stretched his fingers towards the coffee pot with a whine.
“Hey sleepyhead.” Junhong shot him a smile and patted the seat next to him at the table. “Come eat. Gukkie’s making us waffles.”
He waited until Yongguk had poured him a cup of coffee before he stumbled his way towards the kitchen. “Too early.”
“It’s almost seven and you have class in an hour and a half. Just because you stayed out all night doesn’t mean you get to skip.”
“Sorry dad.” He snarked, ducking his head from the waffle thrown his direction.
Yongguk slid two waffles onto his plate and pushed the syrup towards him. “Jongup came over twice last night. He doesn’t know where you were because we didn’t even know where you had gone at that point.”
“Are you going to tell him?” His brother posed the question casually but his brows were furrowed tightly in the middle of his forehead.
He sighed, waiting to answer until he had gulped at least half of the burning coffee down his throat. Today was looking like a two cup kind of day so far. “I kind of have to. It’s not like anything happened. We stayed in the same room as his mom and sister the whole time.”
“But he called you, Himchan.” Junhong looked like he wanted to say a lot more and was having a hard time restraining himself. “When he was scared and needed someone Zico called you. That’s a big deal and Jongup isn’t stupid.”
“I know that.” His breakfast that had looked so delicious just a few moments ago now made his stomach turn. “But I couldn’t tell him no. He’s never asked me for anything before.”
Junhong patted his hand and pushed his plate closer, encouraging him to eat. “I know. It was good you went. Rinnie is the most important thing in his life and he was probably terrified. I’m glad you were there for him.”
Himchan swirled the coffee around in his cup and thought back to the way Zico had held onto him when they had first seen Rinnie. How he hadn’t wanted to let go because Himchan was the only thing holding him upright. “You know that just because we broke up it doesn’t mean you two can’t be friends anymore, right?” The confused look on Junhong’s face made him roll his eyes. “Zico said you two never talk to each other anymore and I don’t want you to think I don’t want you talking to him because-“
“I’ve called him every week since you broke up.” Junhong interrupted. “And I’ve texted him several times, too. It’s not that I don’t want to be friends with him anymore it’s that he doesn’t want to be friends with me.” He lost what little patience he had with his annoyingly naïve older brother and scooted his chair back to leave. “Himchan, what did you think would happen when you cheated on him? That was my best friend whose heart you broke. Twice, might I add. Do you really think he wants to be around me anymore? Every time I call it probably just reminds him of you and upsets him because even though you didn’t deserve it, we all knew he loved you for some dumb reason.”
Their bedroom door slammed leaving Himchan and Yongguk sitting awkwardly across the table from each other.
“Your brother’s just worried about you.” Yongguk spoke up quietly. “He wants you to be happy and he can see that you’re not and it kills him.”
“Well I am happy.” He ignored the pain in his chest that the lie caused. “I’m happy with Jongup and I don’t want Zico anymore. We’re over and I accepted that a long time ago.”
He rinsed his plate and cup off in the sink and prayed that Yongguk didn’t say anything else to him because he really couldn’t handle defending himself right now.
--
His class was ten minutes away from starting by the time he made it out of the apartment and onto the path towards the school. Even though he had no desire to spend fifty-five minutes listening to a boring old man drone on about numbers and formulas he forced himself to go because that was what was expected of him. He suddenly realized that he hated living his life based on what people thought he should do and he wondered how different things would have turned out if he had gone on a different path. Music was always his first love but his mother had taken notice of that early on and squashed the joy Himchan felt running his fingers over ivory keys or strumming aimlessly on strings.
What would he be doing now if his major was music like Yongguk’s? He’d be going to class every day with an instrument under his arm and a smile on his face and he’d have friends with the same interests as him. The only reason he had befriended Daehyun was because they had met by chance but what if he met people because of a common like? Ever since his counselor had put the seed of doubt into his mind he had been consumed with the idea of changing majors.
“Too late to worry about that now.” He grumbled under his breath as he rushed up the stairs to the entrance.
Class had started only two minutes earlier so hopefully he wouldn’t already be counted as absent. There was no one he could call to ask for notes so he would have to stay and attend even if it was counted against him.
“Himchan!”
He dropped his notebook as the worried voice shouted his name across the lobby.
“Hey!” Jongup caught up to him and helped pick up the scattered papers that had flown out across the carpet. “What happened yesterday? I called all night.”
“Sorry.” Himchan’s skin felt flushed from the guilt boiling inside of him. “My phone died.”
Jongup looked around the lobby before jumping forward and sliding his lips across Himchan’s. “I was worried about you. Where were you?”
If he told Jongup the truth then he would be upset. He would probably cry and as much as Himchan liked to be the one to make him feel better he had realized weeks ago that he would rather let someone take care of him. Zico had always been there for him to lean on. Dealing with Jongup’s mood swings was tiring and he wondered how Zico had put up with him so easily. Even he didn’t like himself most days.
But if he lied then he was exactly as horrible as Zico had said he was.
“Don’t get mad.”
His boyfriend’s jaw clenched shut and the smile on his lips turned into a frown. “You didn’t.”
Himchan figured it was too late to try and make it to his class now so why bother. He grabbed Jongup’s stiff arm and pulled him outside where they could be alone. “Nothing happened, I promise. Zico’s baby sister is in the hospital and he asked me to come because he was scared.”
“Bullshit.” Jongup jerked his arm free and took a step back. “You went because you wanted to, because you still want him.”
He tried to reason with him but Jongup turned and stormed down the sidewalk towards the parking lot. “I’m with you, Jongup. I went there because he needed someone by his side. His sister was hurt and he was terrified. I didn’t do anything with him, I promise!”
Jongup stopped so suddenly that Himchan tripped over his feet and had to catch himself before he fell. “Did you kiss him?”
“What? Of course not!”
“Did he try to kiss you?”
Himchan huffed and grabbed Jongup by the back of the head, pulling him in and smashing their mouths together. Jongup tried to pull away from him but Himchan held him still and waited for him to calm down and kiss back.
“Do you trust me?” Himchan whispered against his lips. The question had been burning inside of him ever since he had overhead Junhong and Yongguk’s conversation that morning. “When I tell you that I want to be with you and that nothing happened between me and Zico, do you trust me?”
The other boy stayed silent, his fists bunching Himchan’s t-shirt into balls. “I want to.” He answered, finally relaxing into Himchan’s arms. “But I don’t trust him.”
“Don’t worry about him.” Himchan wasn’t sure why Junhong had said those things about Jongup. He was insecure about their relationship but he was also younger and inexperienced, he had every right to be. And his worries had never made Himchan frightened of him. Just a little annoyed and what relationship wasn’t without small annoyances every now and again?
“And you’re not going to talk to him again?”
Himchan couldn’t promise that. A life without having Zico by his side was already hard enough to think about. But a life without ever hearing his voice again or seeing him smile made him want to weep.
“Jongup…” He pressed his lips to the angry boy’s temple and kissed softly down his jaw. “I only went because he needed a friend. He’s fine now so I came home. I’m here with you, okay? Are we okay?”
Jongup smiled but his eyebrows were still furrowed and his lips were thinned tensely. “Yeah. Yeah, we’re okay.” He slid his hand into Himchan’s and squeezed. “Come home with me?”
He had another class in less than an hour but Jongup looked so broken standing in front of him with worried eyes and chewing on his bottom lip nervously that Himchan could only nod and follow him towards his dorm.
“Is his sister okay?” Jongup asked quietly when they were in the elevator.
“She should be. I think she has to stay in the hospital a little bit longer before they can bring her home.”
Jongup nodded, waiting until they were in his empty dorm before wrapping tight arms around Himchan’s waist. “Don’t do that again.” He ordered into Himchan’s neck, teeth sinking in painfully below his pulse. “I won’t let him near you again.” His mouth worked hard against Himchan’s thin skin until Himchan was whimpering and shoving at his chest. “Next time I’ll tear him apart from head to foot.” Jongup growled, completely ignoring the way Himchan pleaded with him to let go. “Mine, mine, you’re mine.”
His teeth finally lifted from the deep indentions they had left in Himchan’s skin. The bite was large and already stained a bright red, right above where his shirt collar would go. There would be no hiding this one.
“That hurt, Jongup.”
His boyfriend finally heard the wounded tone in Himchan’s voice and the fire in his eyes abated until he was curled around Himchan and apologizing tearfully.
“I hate him, I hate you being next to him, I hate that he got to hear your voice and be in your thoughts.” Jongup shook wildly next to him as he stroked his hands across Himchan’s cheeks and down his chest, over his arms and under the hem of his shirt. “He can’t have you back. I won’t let him take you again.”
Himchan finally understood why Junhong had been so worried because even though he still wasn’t scared of Jongup, he knew the trembling boy in his arms would never seriously hurt him, he was still frightened that Jongup was so intense with his possessiveness.
“He doesn’t want me back, Jongup. We never even talked about getting back together.” He spoke softly and evenly as he tried to calm his boyfriend down. “His friends are all worthless losers who drink all day and he had no one else but me to turn to.”
“Why couldn’t he call Junhong then?” Jongup’s voice was muffled against his chest. His arms were wrapped so tightly around Himchan’s waist that he felt his insides getting crushed. “You two broke up. You left him for me. He shouldn’t even have your number anymore.”
Himchan didn’t think that now was the time to correct him about the exact reasons why he broke up with Zico. That the thought had already been gnawing at the corner of his mind long before he even met Jongup. That Zico had grown so distant from him that he had practically thrown himself in Jongup’s direction the second he showed him a little attention.
All he had ever wanted was someone to look at him with want in their eyes.
“Don’t be upset.” Himchan’s smile wobbled a little but he had to put on an unconcerned expression because he was worried Jongup would be able to smell his anxiety. “It’s just you and me, right here, right now. No more talk about Zico.” Because when he said his name his whole chest tightened with anticipation. Even though his brain knew Zico was miles away, his body still betrayed him.
Jongup growled into his collarbones. “I don’t even want his name on your tongue.” He lifted Himchan’s hands to his waist and pressed them into his skin. “Touch me? Show me you want me, not him.”
He had shown him, over and over. Every time they were alone Jongup asked for the same thing, to be set above Zico in Himchan’s mind. But it was different with him. Not bad per se, just not even close to being comparable. When Himchan had pressed Zico into the bed it was almost always with smiles and laughter and happy kisses that made his heart melt and his body heavy and sluggish. But Jongup preferred the quiet, the only sound in the room their heavy breathing and the beat of their hearts. He wanted love. Zico had wanted everything. The love, the anger, the ache between them growing and growing until they were breathless with happiness.
“I want you,” Jongup pleaded. “Why won’t you sleep with me? It’s been months.”
“I don’t want you to ever think of me as a mis-“
Jongup hissed, taking a step backwards and shaking his head. “I’ve told you. You’re not a mistake, you’d never be a mistake. I love you, Himchan.” He tugged his t-shirt off and stormed towards his bedroom, returning quickly with the necessary items to get what he wanted. “If you don’t give it to me then I’m done. Then we’re done.”
Words a desperate man would say, Himchan thought to himself as he blearily let Jongup strip him of his clothes. Empty promises because they both knew that Jongup wouldn’t let Himchan out of his sight for long enough to leave.
“It’s not right when you’re angry.” He murmured as Jongup toppled him onto the couch, climbing overtop his waist and locking him in with strong legs. “You don’t want it like this.”
Jongup ignored him. His wild eyes looked right through Himchan’s worried ones, hips bucking down and making them both flushed with pleasure.
“You don’t love him.” Jongup slicked his fingers and reached behind himself, eyelashes fluttering and bottom lip dropping down with a long moan. “Himchan…”
No matter how confused he became or how tightly coiled in apprehension his body was he couldn’t stop the flicker of desire light up inside of him at the image of Jongup coming apart on top of him. It wasn’t all a lie that he felt for the younger boy. There was probably nothing in the world sexier than Moon Jongup fucking himself open while staring worshipfully at the object of his affections.
“You’re amazing, Jongup.” He told him honestly as he ran his hands up the boy’s smooth thighs. “And you deserve someone who looks at you the same way you look at them.”
For the first time in their relationship Jongup didn’t look so heartbroken when Himchan told him he wasn’t good enough. Resignation was visible in every crease of his skin and every blink he made staring down at his boyfriend.
“But I just want you.”
Jongup’s broken voice was what forced Himchan to grab his wrist and still his frantic movements.
“I think I already belong to someone else.”
--
Junhong threw the last suitcase into the back of Yongguk’s car before turning to his older brother with tears in his eyes. “You’re really going to do this then? No changing your mind?”
He shook his head and held his arms out for Junhong to fall into, the sobbing boy melting against him. “I’ll be okay.” He whispered against his silky hair. The arms around his waist tightened and Junhong’s crying echoed loudly in the quiet morning. “Someone told me a while ago that I might actually make it on my own if I did something for myself for once.”
“That person was an idiot.” Junhong replied with a muffled voice. “He deserves to be slapped for filling your head with those lies.”
Himchan laughed and pulled his brother away to look him in the eyes. “Nah. I think he was right. And he’s a pretty great baby brother so I don’t really want him hurt.”
“You know you can call us anytime, right? Day or night. And I bought you some magazines for the plane ride. I put them in your backpack. Yongguk baked some disgusting health bars for you to snack on.”
“Hey! Those have three servings of fr-“
“I already threw them away.” Junhong continued, ignoring his boyfriend. “And packed a ton of candy instead. There’s four kinds of chocolate bars and some crackers, but not those nasty wheat ones Yongguk buys, these are the salty ones we like and-“
Himchan pressed a kiss to his brother’s forehead. “Don’t worry. I’ll be fine, Junhong. Go back inside and I’ll call you when the plane lands.”
He waited until Junhong had shut the entry door to climb into Yongguk’s front seat. They drove slowly in the still dim morning towards the airport. Himchan pressed his forehead against the cold glass and tried to take each street and building in because he wouldn’t be seeing them for a long time.
“There are hundreds of universities in Korea and you couldn’t pick a single one?”
Smiling, he turned his head and prepared to defend himself for the hundredth time. “I could have picked ten I liked, but none offered me a full scholarship like this one. Apparently American schools welcome foreign students with open arms.” Open arms and open checkbooks was more like it. The second he had gone to his counselor to inquire about switching to a music major and maybe studying abroad she had found him three schools in the states that offered him a full ride immediately.
Yongguk stared gloomily out the front window as he pulled into the airport parking lot. “Your brother’s going to be miserable without you. He’s going to be a giant pain in my ass until you come home. I think he even mentioned making a countdown calendar to mark the days off.”
“That’s a lot of days to mess with. I’m going to be gone for at least four years.”
Wincing, Yongguk turned the key and the car stilled, leaving them enclosed in the tense quiet. “I’m going to miss you.” He murmured under his breath. “I know that when I started dating Junhong things were weird for a while but-“
“I know, Guk. Me too.” Himchan covered his best friend’s hand with his own to stop his rambling. “Just take care of my baby brother and know that if you ever break his heart I will hunt you down and rip yours out.”
They both grinned because it was unsaid that Junhong would do his own dirty work if needed.
“And you’ll call at least once a week? Don’t think he won’t fly to New York and search the entire city top to bottom just to chew you out.”
“I’ll call twice a week.” He promised. His lip was chapped from the constant nervous chewing he had been doing over the last few months and it stung as he sucked it between his teeth. Saying goodbye to the only real family he had and his home country in the same day made his eyes dampen. “You’ll tell him goodbye for me, right? If he ever shows up wanting to know where I am. Not that I think he will, I really don’t. But…” Forcing a smile back on he shook his head and reached for the door. “Forget that. He won’t.”
“Himchan.” Yongguk met him at the back of the car and helped him with the few bags he had. “He’ll show up. One day.” He awkwardly pulled Himchan into a hug.
Himchan was glad the sun was starting to finally rise over the horizon. Now he could say goodbye to Korea properly. Everything appeared covered in mist and sparkling jewels as the light hit the thin covering of dew still covering the ground. He thought Korea was so beautiful and awe-inspiring and he felt a twinge of uncertainty that he could actually do this.
“Do you think he would be proud of me?” Himchan swallowed the lump that talking about him always brought up. “That I’m doing something that I want and not what I’m told to?”
Yongguk nodded his head. “I think he’s going to be furious that you left without telling him, but yeah, he’ll understand.” He grinned at him from across the hood of the car. “Zico thought rainbows flew out of your ass, Himchan. He won’t be mad at you for forever.”
And with heart heavy and full of regrets, Himchan said goodbye.