Merry Christmas, kasche!
Title: Karma
Rating: R
Disclaimer: All recognisable characters belong to JK Rowling and Warner Bros.
Warnings: Shameless fluff. Warnings for a slightly hysterical Sirius when James makes the ‘furry little problem’ joke. XD Oh, and very, very light bondage. I’m not sure if I should give a warning for lame humour. ;) (Also, pre-R/S Sirius/Some Random Bas!ard - more implied than anything.)
Author's Notes: To you it goes, Kasche. When I realised who I was writing for I almost fell off my chair, because I love all art you do. ^^ Hopefully I won’t go and screw up (*crosses fingers*)! Many, many hugs - and Merry Xmas! ^^
Prompt #33: Our favourite puppies, of course, not too long after the end of Seventh Year. I’d love to see them getting together. Actually, I would love to see Remus seducing Sirius, but that’s not mandatory. :D And if you make them play with ties… you’ll probably be getting a piece of my heart by airmail. :D By all means, I’ve got nothing against nc17. Y’know, just saying.
To: kasche
from your Secret Santa
Sirius remembers having read about karma once while at school. It was probably coming from James, since he seemed fascinated by everything that implied that magic could slap you stupid. The concept of karma was very simple: when you took a wrong decision, when you did something off beam, it would come back to you and bite you in the rear. Just like that.
What Sirius hadn’t anticipated was that it’d happen to him, even less now. For six months, since they left school, he’d been dating a guy named Clive, who he happened to meet at King’s Cross right after he got off the Hogwarts Express. During that last journey ‘back home’, Sirius had spilled the beans to James - well, not quite, since James was not that thick when it came to his best friend’s feelings - and confessed that he had doubts of whether he liked boys or girls and a boy in particular. James was not stupid enough to actually ask ‘Is it me?’. Sirius would have had to kill him.
‘It’s Moony, isn’t it?’ With all honesty, the question was more implied than asked. It took Sirius a quarter of a second to tell James that he was unable to stop following him with his eyes and making sure he’d be alright after a full moon, and generally watching over him, specially since the idea of losing him had appeared during their sixth year after a dreaded prank. James had flipped. Not because Sirius liked - or possibly liked - people of the same sex, but because this was Moony. The rest of the journey passed with the two of them locked inside a toilet while James gave him a never-ending list of reasons of why he’d screw up, and he couldn’t do that to Moony, and he couldn’t do that to him, and think of the outcome and all that stuff that mothers usually say when they are freaked out, while Sirius looked at his feet and turned all the toilet paper in sight into confetti.
After the talk, Sirius decided that it’d probably pass as soon as he found someone else he liked, and thus when he bumped into a tall, blond young man named Clive at the train station as he waved goodbye to Remus and his parents, he decided it was his chance. They had talked for ten minutes while James pulled faces and made gestures over Clive’s shoulder, most of them not the least bit flattering, before they arranged another meeting. When Clive finally turned around to see what was so interesting for this pretty boy he’d just met that was standing right behind him, he found himself face to face with a bespectacled boy giving him the finger and with his tongue stuck out. Sirius had to react with the mandatory ‘… and this is my best friend’.
Who I totally want to kill, but that was something he hadn’t said.
The point was, until now Clive had seemed like a rather decent guy to Sirius. James had never liked him and refused to see him for more than three seconds, muttering under his breath that Sirius should have better taste than this, but for six months he still thought that James would just have to give him time. Right now he was standing befuddled in the middle of his flat as he watched Clive leave, knowing that this would be the last time he ever came to visit him. It was more the feeling of being abandoned than Clive leaving him that made his stomach churn in a most horrible way. On Christmas, furthermore.
There had not been a proper fight, even: as Sirius shoved a couple of shirts and pants into a rucksack to spend Christmas day with Lily and the Marauders, his ‘boyfriend’ had lashed out at him and told him that he’d never cared about him as much as he cared about his friends. Sirius’ automatic honest answer (and biggest mistake) had been a rather calm ‘No’. That was when Clive had a fit. The first thing that had crossed Sirius’ mind was that an awful decision had owed him a good lecture and a few insults. ‘Karma, I tell you’, James would have said.
They were all going to spend Christmas in a cottage that belonged to James’ parents, a comfy small house in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by mountains, fields, trees, a frozen lake, rabid squirrels and a ridiculous amount of snow. Sirius had been able to park his motorbike right in front of the house, and Lily had been glad to see him and offered him a cupcake when she opened the door.
‘You’re the last one, Sirius.’ She says severely, but smiles. Then, in a much more relaxed, genuine voice. ‘What kept you?’ Sirius snorts and takes the cupcake, then follows her inside. He can hear voices in the living room coming from a muggle tv and Peter laughing at the lame jokes people are cracking in a program. He says hello his way and gets an answer and a smile, so he continues the search for his best friend. In one of the bedrooms upstairs he can hear James laugh, and then a quiet comment that he assumes to be Remus’. He walks to the room accompanied by Lily, who tosses his bag into a room and opens the door at the end of the corridor for him.
The room is filled with white light that crosses the thin linen curtains, and sprawled over the white sheets of the bed lays Remus, standing still as James, with a roll of bandages in one hand and a bottle of wound-clotting potion in the other nurses his wounds. After a second Sirius notices that, in fact, he’s barely conscious. Wounds was something that all of the Marauders had dealt with for years now, something they are all used to, since sometimes Pomfrey wouldn’t be able to get there fast enough. The previous night had been a full moon, and Remus, due to a college trip, had been forced to spend it alone and in isolation and pretend the morning after that he was suffering from a terrible hangover as he hid the cuts and scars.
Sirius was slightly jealous of James at times like these, because even though the two of them were outstanding and fantastic wizards, James was more delicate and careful when it came to healing. He’d learnt quite a few spells and remedies from his family - unlike Sirius, who only learnt from his how inflict those wounds rather than heal them. When the door opens, James looks up and grins at Sirius, mutters a ‘Hello’, then nods as if saying he’ll be with him in a moment. Sirius is surprised to see that, as James returns to tending wounds, Lily smiles to herself for a second and then announces that she’ll be returning to her own affaires, and heads back to making biscuits muttering that James burnt the last ones. James, hearing this, has the decency to look slightly ashamed.
‘Help me.’ He tells Sirius, and gestures to Remus, who is opening his eyes just a bit and letting out an almost inaudible whimper as James puts some potion over a cut on his neck and it burns him. Sirius strides forward and James makes him hold the bandages, and potions as he strips Remus off the old, ragged sweater that he’s wearing and that has now been stained with dried blood that mixes with its original blue colour. James lets it drop to the floor and takes a look at the pattern formed by the new cuts and scratches, as if thinking of where to start.
Sirius follows the angry red lines over pale flesh, sometimes three in parallel made by a claw, or a bruise made by bones changing and then rearranging themselves at the will of the moon. He stops breathing when he notices a slightly deeper one that cuts right across one of his nipples, now swollen, bloodied and split in two. Sirius follows the length of that bruise to his collarbone, then continues gazing at the untouched skin of his neck, his jaw and soft lips, and for some strange reason all of that pain he had to tell their friends about because his boyfriend has apparently just ditched him seems to fade away. His mind drifts off to a moment when maybe Remus wouldn’t have to lay on a bed with him standing over him because he is bruised and wounded, but because - Ahem. That’s of course when James elbows him and looks annoyed.
Sirius, please. His eyes seem to be saying. Sirius knows and can understand why this is driving James up the walls. Even when he knew about Clive, he couldn’t miss all those times that Sirius looked Remus’ way and seemed lost in thought. But James also knows of what happens to someone Sirius is infatuated with most of the time - they end up bitter, angry, and wanting to murder him. And while James doesn’t give a flying fish if some girl Sirius ditches calls him asking for his help to win him back, or this male neighbour appears at his door asking to know why Sirius never calls him anymore… he would care if it were one of the few people he truly appreciates. Sirius has to remind himself that everything he touches is bound to burn out before he gives James the potion after he’s used a cleansing spell, and James puts some bandages over the wound as Remus twitches slightly. It seems like a cosmic joke that James is allowed to touch Remus and he isn’t, specially considering that James isn’t even interested ‘in that way’.
He doesn’t want to think that it’s a karmic revenge.
* * * * *
When all the wounds are safely closed or healing, and they’ve left Remus to rest, the two of them go back to the kitchen to find Lily preparing some hot tea. She seems to be in what Sirius would call ‘Christmassy mood’, cheery and generally happy and willing to sort things out with everyone. She reads Sirius’ troubled expression as she pours the liquid into James’ cup.
‘Is everything alright?’ She asks. Sirius thinks that any sentence that starts with I want to lick every scar is actually unsuitable for polite conversation, and thus resorts to telling another truth (because Lily would never buy a lie, anyway). When he tells them about Clive, none of them looks too impressed. Lily looks as if she’d seen it coming all along, and James has a smug look on his face like that of a fat cat that has just found and terminated a can of anchovies. Sirius has to ponder for a few seconds if he was the only idiot that didn’t notice anything about Clive’s stupidity. Apparently yes, says his brain.
Once that seems sorted they leave his love life alone, something that Sirius never stops being grateful for. But he can’t help but wonder what was missing when he was with Clive, what’s that part of himself that couldn’t bring itself to care even after being ditched. Something they lacked, and thus made the break-up easy, both to do and to deal with. He’s seen how some suffer and pine, but him? Not for anyone he’s been with. What did we lack?
The answer comes in the form of a kiss. James has just spilled his cup of tea, and as Lily attempts to clean it with a napkin before it reaches the floor and a very expensive carpet, James looks up at her and says without hesitation:
‘I didn’t notice, I was looking at you’. He doesn’t say ‘The rest of the world just fades away’, but she’s understood it, anyway. She smiles and her face seems to light up, then she leans forward over the table and kisses him. It seems like a sweet, chaste kiss, but for some reason Sirius can’t care less about where their lips are because he’s way too busy looking at their eyes, that shine for a moment just for each other with devotion, fondness and love. He sees them going back to their cups of tea and chat about whose friends called to say Merry Christmas or whose family is doing what, nothing relevant, and all that Sirius can think of is that they have something true and worthy that many don’t, but never notice.
* * * * *
He thinks he may be going somewhat crazy when he sees Remus walking down the hall towards them in some loose cotton trousers that are too big for him and ride low on his hips, attempting to pull a shirt on but failing miserably because one of the bruises on his shoulder blade still hurts and the new skin that’s closed the wound is still too tender. Without noticing, he stares. It’s because of his staring that Lily sees Remus as well, and gets off the couch in a moment to help him with the shirt and offer some tea as Remus looks thankful. Peter is asking how the healing is going and if it hurts, and James is mentioning something about more bandages and a cream that may soothe the pain, but all this conversation is lost on Sirius.
‘Hey.’ Remus says, sending him a warm look. Sirius has to look away from Remus’ hips and at his face before he actually gets to greet him (needless to say, it’s a biblical effort). He mutters a greeting before Remus stretches a bit and he has to fix his eyes on the fireplace because seeing more exposed flesh would only do him harm. The look of disappointment on Remus’ face goes unnoticed by everyone except for James, who considers banging his head against a wall before this becomes a bigger problem. Lily makes him forget all of this when she starts saying how worried they all were about him and that they’d been getting all sorts of medical supplies for when he arrived, while Remus sips some tea he’s been given and says that he was ‘alright, really’, and all that speech he gives them after every full moon so that they don’t worry too much. And that’s when he thanks James for the pants.
Sirius has a small heart attack. Apparently, James is not only unashamed to touch Remus without remorse, but he also lends him his clothes. Sirius borrowed them as well and vice versa, but that seems different because they basically share the same parents. It’s not that he minds James sharing his clothes. It’s that he doesn’t want Remus to be the one wearing them! He wouldn’t have complained if it had been Lily, now would he? The jealous part of his brain - the largest one, by the way - is going full blast remembering all those moments where James talked to Remus before him, or got him chocolate frogs when he was in the Hospital Wing, or called him his ‘furry little problem’ (something that never ceased to amuse the two of them, even if Sirius looked as if he were about to yank his scalp off - and James knew why for sure!).
He is about to ask something and make a fool of himself, but Lily steps on his foot and Sirius doubts it’s been accidental. Lovely girl, he thinks, once he realises that she’s most likely saved him from ultimate doom and uttering something he’d regret. Most of the evening goes on without anything outstanding, except for when Peter snorts milk up his nose after James asks Lily if Snivellus is the Grinch. Lily manages not to laugh for all three seconds. Remus for five. Sirius at that point doesn’t even know what the conversation is about.
* * * * *
‘James!’ Sirius calls in a very loud whisper, as James passes in front of his room to fetch the presents for the night. ‘Oi, Prongs!’ He says that a bit louder, and this time James does run into his room and close the door. He looks sterner than Sirius expected him to, and goes through a few seconds of panic, until James sees the helpless look on his face and decides that this is screwed enough already.
‘Padfoot…’ He looks as if he were unable to find the right words. ‘What is up with you? You keep staring as if…’ It doesn’t seem like he is at a loss of words here, but rather that he doesn’t want to say what he does have in mind. Sirius imagines it’s something so dirty that James doesn’t even want to imagine it.
‘We talked about this! I told you!’ Sirius hisses, slightly hysterical.
‘I thought you’d be over this!’ James hisses back. They do the routine of going ‘Yes!’ ‘No!’ at each other eight times before James realises that they are hissing so much it sounds like a viper is in the room, and that Lily will come in with the intention to beat something up with a mop anytime now. He sits on the bed beside Sirius, and stares into nothingness for a while. ‘If this is because of your break-up…’
‘James.’ Sirius says, but in fact it sounds like a ‘Please, bitch.’ Sirius sends his best friend the lost puppy stare, but to avail. James seems to be having serious issues with this. ‘Why are you worrying so much about it?’ Sirius is for a second terrified to hear the answer.
‘Because you aren’t, Pads.’ James states, and his eyes tell that he’s going through all sorts of situations through his head. Sirius wants to say that of course he is worried and that it would be stupid not to be, and that he sees where James is coming from, but…But what? Asks his brain. But he’s not a random person? But this time you may care? But it’s… love? No, no, he can’t go and tell James that because it’d only be worse. If Sirius says something that big it’s because he feels it - and love is not something he’s sure he wants to be a part of because it’s complicated - and James would hit the roof and climb up the walls and nag him into the next age. When he looks at his best friend he is about to say that he’ll survive, fine, and that there’s no need to worry because they have been through worse stuff, haven’t they? But the look on James’ eyes is not outraged anymore. They look at each other seriously for once, completely. James seems to be searching in him something he hadn’t seen before, and after a few seconds he finds it.
‘Screw up and I’ll castrate you.’ He ends up saying. ‘Because since you feel like family, I may love you too much to actually kill you. Not to mention that your murder would probably make my mother kill me.’ Sirius accepts the death threat for what it really is - James’ absolute faith in him and all his lycanthro-sexual neurons. Or something on the likes of that. Sirius lets out a relieved sigh and James ruffles his hair as he shakes his head and chuckles.
Then they go together in search of the presents they’ve gotten the others.
* * * * *
It’s a tie.
If it came from James, he’d know his best friend was pulling his legs because neither of them has any idea of how to actually put them on properly. But the present is from Remus. A soft, blood red tie that seems to mock him from its box, as it shines under the light of the fire as if letting out a spectacular Bwahaha in tie language. Sirius looks at it defiantly for a moment, bracing himself to face the enemy. He takes it out of the box and finds he actually likes it. It feels soft and cool under his fingers, and he strokes the fabric for a moment before he looks at Remus to say thank you.
It’s the last present to be opened, and all of them seem happy enough with all they have gotten. Peter seems rather pleased with a crystal ball that shows him some of the best Marauder moments, Lily is delighted with her new earrings and is talking in whispers with James (Sirius curses his dog hearing, because he didn’t want to know that, although it would make fantastic blackmail material), who got a broom care kit among other things, and Remus seemes to be fascinated by one of his new books. On the whole, all the present wrapping that’s now lying all over the living room seems to have brought nothing but happiness and a homely feeling.
After a while, Lily decides she’d love to have a snowball fight, and since James is her willing slave, he concedes. Peter doesn’t hesitate to join them, and Remus stays behind with the excuse that he’s exhausted and that he’ll see them later. Sirius is the last one to go, and as Remus gives him his scarf he asks if he’ll be okay.
‘I won’t be going anywhere.’ Remus answers softly and sends him a long look, lingers for a moment on his lips - Sirius is sure he isn’t making shit up! - and with an innocent-looking smile, sits on the couch to read one of his books. Sirius is left there to ponder for a few seconds if he is being very lucky or if the eggnog is making him see things. In the end, he puts the tie in his pocket with a stupid smile that lasts two seconds, and after that he reproves himself for it.
Sirius leaves because he isn’t sure of his self-control anymore, and is hit with a snowball on the nose the red-hot second he steps outside the house. For once he is really, really thankful for the cold.
* * * * *
He is the first one to step back inside, leaving the other three to try ice-skating in the lake nearby. He drops his coat and scarf, and heads to his room silently in case he wakes Remus up. When he gets to the corridor upstairs, he notices there is a light in Remus’ room, and Sirius pokes his head in. He finds Remus curled up in his bed with one of the books and a cup of something hot pressed to his lips. Sirius never thought he’d want to reincarnate in a cup before. Remus looks up at him and smiles, and then cups and their relevance don’t seem to matter anymore.
‘Were are the others?’ Remus asks, sounding half-asleep.
‘Skating. They will be back later.’ Sirius answers, and sits on the bed. Remus notices the tip of the tie poking out of Sirius’ trouser pocket and smiles.
‘Did you like it?’ He mutters as he leaves the book and the cup on the bedside table. ‘I was thinking that you’d choke me with it.’
‘No, I…’ Sirius makes a gesture that states it was fine. ‘… really…’ Yeah, shut up now before you say something even stupider.
‘Would you like to try it on? I could teach you how to do the knot.’ Remus offers.
‘You’ve been trying for years now, and all efforts seemed fruitless.’ Sirius answers, and is happy to see that Remus beams and nods. He fixes his eyes on that smile that seems to enjoy tempting him, but when Remus starts to wonder why he’s so quiet and parts his lips as if to ask something, Sirius looks away and takes the tie out of his pocket. ‘So…’ He notices that just like he won’t look at Remus in the eye, he isn’t looking at him either but at the tie.
‘You know what? You can try it on me.’ He says after a long silence. Sirius swallows hard, but grabs the tie and puts it around Remus’ neck. He spends several seconds trying to remember how to make the bloody thing not look like a ribbon, but in the end he gives up and Remus, with a sigh, stops his hands. Sirius mutters that he’s sorry and lets his hands leave Remus’ neck and follow the trail marked by the tie down his chest. Remus gasps and Sirius remembers the recent wounds. When he looks into Remus’ eyes, he doesn’t see a ‘never mind’ look or even a hurt one. The look would have melted ice. Remus slowly slides the tie off his neck and lets it fall on his lap.
‘Moony…’ Sirius breathes. Stay calm. Stay calm. But he finds it slightly difficult when Remus grabs him by the shirt and pulls him forward. They share a breath for what seems like an eternity until Sirius is the first one to give in - or give up? - and presses his lips to Remus’. There is a moment of panic for Sirius when Remus stands frozen in place, until he is finally kissed back and he feels like his heart would come apart in his chest. Sirius pulls apart for a moment to make sure that this time it’s real, and what he finds are Remus’ eyes, filled with heat, hunger and something tender that Sirius can’t help but call love.
They press against each other again, with Remus’ fingers entwined in his hair and his own holding Remus close. It seems like time has stopped when Sirius opens his mouth and their tongues meet for a brief second, before Sirius buries his head in Remus’ neck and kisses all skin he finds. Remus runs his hands down his back and presses him closer to the point where they can’t tell their heartbeats apart, as Sirius starts to let his hands slip under his shirt in search of warm skin and muscles moving underneath it, but every time he tosses something to the floor he has to revel in his luck and feel the newfound scars warm and soft beneath his fingertips.
Remus whispers something incoherent into his ear as they rock against each other, with Sirius pressing his lips to his neck and shoulders and breathing in between kisses. Remus ends up letting push him onto the mattress. Sirius kisses him lazily, lovingly, as if he had all the time in the world, and Remus whimpers and pants and doesn’t notice when the tie snakes around his wrist and bonds him to the bedpost. He tugs at it for a second, but can’t bring himself to care all that much, because Sirius is stroking him and he can barely do anything but let him. Sirius watches him for a moment, his chest rising with every breath he takes, those swollen lips and the look of ecstasy from beneath heavy eyelids. He breathes over Remus’ scars, kissing the sensitive skin around them as he lets his hands roam freely across Remus’ body. Remus knows he won’t be able to hold back for much longer. Sirius finds the red bruise across his nipple, licks the cut and sucks on the abused flesh, and Remus comes into his hand crying out his name. He tugs on the tie but this time it leaves him free, and he presses himself against Sirius as he catches his breath and slides his hands down Sirius’ stomach and lower as he brings his own lips to his again.
Sirius is wishing that the feel of Remus touching him, his lips on his neck and the feel of his body pressed against his would last longer, but Remus kisses his jaw and the part of his neck below his ear and murmurs that he loves him, and Sirius comes and collapses against him with a heartfelt cry.
They curl up together in the bed, and Sirius watches Remus fall asleep in his arms with his head on his shoulder and a soft smile of contempt on his lips. He kisses him temple softly and notices that the tie is lying right beside him, and he holds it against Remus’ pale skin and thinks he’s loved his Christmas present. Before he falls asleep to the sound of Remus’ breathing he thinks about karma and thinks that finally all that love has paid off.