is it worse...

[johnsongo]

So tell me... is it worse to talk to an ex, i.e someone you've slept with before while you are in a current relationship, or is it worse to constantly be talking about a friend of the opposite sex and "how cute they are" ETC ETC if you've never gone out with them

Comments

[jimmi_vacant]

I agree with you. Newer person is worse and both are fairly unaaceptable, unless of course the relationship was a looooooooong time ago and there has been an established friendship since then.

Still I have a no new guy friends rule I kind of stick by...of course there are many variables that overrule this rule BUT the starting point is no.

Call me shallow, insecure or whatever, I probably am but that's where I'm at.

[johnsongo]

I agree with you on that too. The "no new guy friends" rule. I would be a total insecure asshole to say "you can't talk to any of your guy friends!" No way. Especially ones the girl had known way before I was in the picture. Or even ex's for that matter. If nothing questionable is going on, then I'm totally cool with it. I am just wary whenever it seems like there is potential for something to start going on.

[zimbra1006]

I think exes definitely make me more nervous because I'm always worried he's missing her or comparing me to her or whatever -- even (or especially?) if they have remained friends.

But then I have exes I'm friends with as well as guy friends I've made before and after my relationship started, so I realize it's a double standard. I think most people want to be able to be friends with who they want and still worry when their partner does the same, which is silly.

I think at the end of the day you just have to trust the person. Being jealous usually only makes things worse. My old boyfriend was constantly worried I was going to leave him for someone else, and all that insecurity did was push me away.

[johnsongo]

Yeah, I agree with that. It does start to push one away after a while. I see it on both sides. I get jealous and then when she gets jealous I'm like "you're being lame!" LOL hahah But I laugh about my own inconsistancy and when I can recognize it, I can defeat it and see things objectively

[cog1201]

I don't have good advice for this, but being not the jealous type (which is insane since I have serious trust issues, but my craziness is even illogical). All I can say is that you cannot dictate to a person you are dating what they do, you also cannot be with them every second of the day and I think that by saying to someone, "don't" do something you make that thing all the more appealing. Someone once told me that Trust was the most important part of a relationship and I think that is true, you have to trust that the person you are with is with you because they want to be, if they didn't want to be with you, they would be with their ex or the cute friend. Have confidence that what you have to offer is worth it.

[johnsongo]

Yeah i totally completely fully 100% agree. And I am very paranoid and suspicious (scorpio hah) but it's all in my head. I would never DEMAND my girlfriend not hang out with someone. If it was obvious there was something going on or something with the potential of going on, I just make my discomfort clear and do my best to be understanding. If she insists on hanging out with the guy despite my discomfort, fine. If she leaves for the new guy, oh well. She really wasn't with me to begin with then was she? :)

If anything, when you spend time with someone you are attracted to on a platonic basis it solidifies your feelings for the your significant other.
I have girls who are friends and who many would consider attractive that I hang out with. Doesn't mean I am interested in sleeping with them. So I see both sides.

[cog1201]

Yeah I know, don't worry I am sure if she is the one she will stick around no matter what. At least you are good and talking about how you feel. I never say anything, because I am too terrified that if I do say how I feel I will drive them away, but probably my lack of emotional sharing is driving them away.

[johnsongo]

Hey I wasn't talkin about anyone specific here... I was just musing :)