Excellent start. You can't go wrong with an HP fic if you start with a JKRish intro. But since you are writing the opening of your story as if you are introducing characters to us, there's one thing you might want to change in the second paragraph. You refer to the "abnormal thing" in the Dursley's lives being "Mrs. Potter's only son, Harry Potter," but at this point, there's been no explanation of who Mrs. Potter is, nor does one follow anytime soon. And it isn't until many parapraphs later that we learn Harry is Dudley's cousin. Perhaps you could change the first reference to Harry as "Mrs. Dursley's nephew, Harry Potter," instead
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Griptalon said in your fic that the will wasn't finalized: "You see, it was never finalized, and I was never able to give the correct property to the people the Potter's had directed in their Will. " And if it wasn't "finalized"--which I took to mean "signed"-- before the Potters died, it couldn't happen after they died.
Perhaps you meant to say something along the lines of, "It wasn't executed," or "It wasn't fulfilled." After all, if Sirius or Peter had been the named executor of the will, I could see why no one would have carried through. Of if the named executor was someone with a vested interest in not executing the will, that would also have caused problems. (For example, the Potters might haved named Dumbledore as executor of the will, but Dumbledore, wanting Harry to go to Petunia instead of Remus, might have chosen to pretend the will did not exist.) The goblins, with their strong respect for rules and ownership, would have wanted to right this wrong.
I knew that bit was wrong; thanks for helping me with that. I'm gonna make that change too; it makes far more sense the way you say it than what I have right now. Thank you so much! And, I want you to know that I really love these sorts of reviews, so don't hold back. I'm not gonna get butt hurt or anything. I know you've got no reason to trust me on that, but I do mean it and I will prove it to you.
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Ah, I always figured the Will was finalized.
Thanks, I'm glad you liked the Goblin's.
And thanks very much for reviewing. I really appreciate.
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Perhaps you meant to say something along the lines of, "It wasn't executed," or "It wasn't fulfilled." After all, if Sirius or Peter had been the named executor of the will, I could see why no one would have carried through. Of if the named executor was someone with a vested interest in not executing the will, that would also have caused problems. (For example, the Potters might haved named Dumbledore as executor of the will, but Dumbledore, wanting Harry to go to Petunia instead of Remus, might have chosen to pretend the will did not exist.) The goblins, with their strong respect for rules and ownership, would have wanted to right this wrong.
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And, I want you to know that I really love these sorts of reviews, so don't hold back.
I'm not gonna get butt hurt or anything. I know you've got no reason to trust me on that, but I do mean it and I will prove it to you.
I think all the changes are gonna make it Better!
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