One week on

[joaniecrumpet]

It's a week ago tomorrow that my grandmother's funeral took place. I don't why that's resonating with me right now. I don't feel grief at the moment, at least not in the traditional sense - I am aware that she's gone, but it isn't making me actively sad. Maybe that's because I haven't let myself actually sit and contemplate the fact yet. Every time

Comments

[dizzy_duck]

*hugs*

It's not surprising at all that you feel this way; she was a huge part of your life, all your life. Didn't you live with her at one time?

You say you're not "actively sad" but the stress and grief surely are responsible for the physical manifestations -- the cold sores, the early period, the exhaustion. Just because you're not wringing your hands and crying all day doesn't mean you're not feeling the pain.

I wish I could say something comforting. I know you're so sad right now. *massive hugs*

[ginger_dragon]

What you experience is very similar to what I felt when my maternal grandmother died last year. Like you she was the first close relative that I lost as an adult, and though she didn't raise me, I stayed with her a lot, and we were verly close.

I think not really feeling the grief you know is inside you is a way to cope. If the feelings was to rush on you all at once, it would be unbearable, and so the mind waits a little. It'll come, and it will be hard, but I think you may find it a relief too.

I have my one of my grandmother's scarfs too, saved in a little box. Every time I open it her perfume meets me, and it's like she is close.

*hugss and hugs*

[joaniecrumpet]

Thank you, both of you. I just watched a video of Christmas dinner 1987...she is just as i remember her. So full of vitality. It's unbelievable, watching that video, that she's really gone. But it's such a precious thing to have, because it brings her back in some small way. It's not just what's in my head, in my memory - I don't have to try and conjure her up because she's there, bitching and moaning and being absolutely hilarious.

[munkymate]

Years after my dad died I would walk into my mom's and JUST about say, "Where's dad?"

*hugs*

[dollcommon]

Just getting to the point where you believe they are dead (quite a different thing from knowing) takes months at the least I think. Do you dream about her? I still count every moment I spend with my parents in my dreams as precious. It counds pathetic, but on the other hand, they ARE there, in my subconcious. If you know soemone that well, you can't ever unknow them.

And you are grieving. Trust in yourself. Really this is how it is. The cotton wool and the searching for them in smells and textures. It made me cry to read that, because the longing is worse than the pain.

*hugs*

[joaniecrumpet]

It is SUCH a searching, Tink, you're absolutely right. In the video, in the smells, in using the wooden spoons and other stuff I brought back from her kitchen - searching for some link which means she's not completely gone, that she's still here in some tangible way.

Yes, I've dreamed about her numerous times since she died. And I wake up aching.