Fic: Witness Protection, part 15/??
Title: Witness Protection, part 15/?
Fandom: Parks and Recreation
Characters/Ships: Ben/Leslie, Chris/Ann, Andy/April, Ben/Pawnee, ensemble
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~ 10,000
Summary: When corporate whistleblowers Ben Adams and Chris Robinson barely escape an attempt on their lives, they gladly accept the protection of the Federal Witness Protection program. What they don't count on is being sent to a city that feels more like something out of a movie or a sitcom than real life: Pawnee Indiana. An AU starting in "Master Plan."
Author's Notes: So, this one isn't short. But I don't think you'll mind. And I shirked lots of responsibilities to bring you a long chapter so quickly, because apparently I just can't help myself. Enjoy! Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14
Leslie knew her revelation had been too abrupt when Ann started choking on her mouthful of Smarties.
The two of them sat eating candy in the front seats of Leslie's car, parked around the corner and strategically concealed behind some shrubs from the statue of Mayor William Percy in Ramsett Park.
In theory Leslie had brought the bags of candy to pass out to the crowds of trick-or-treaters in the neighborhood. But when Ann pointed out that parents might not take kindly to two black-clad strangers luring kids to their car with candy, Leslie had deferred to her wisdom. Besides, it was better to keep the candy for themselves.
After taking a minute to catch her breath and washing her Smarties down with a few gulps from her water bottle, Ann glared at Leslie. "You slept with Ben ten days ago, and you never told me?!"
When Ann put it like that, Leslie did feel a little foolish. "Well, with the festival and then all your extra shifts plus the stuff with Chris, I didn't want to bug you with this."
Ann shook her head. "No. I'm your best friend. When stuff like this happens, bug me."
And that was why Leslie loved her so much. "So I officially have your permission to bug you about big stuff, even when you're stressed?"
"Yes. Absolutely."
"I'm gonna hold you to that." Leslie pointed at Ann with her Tootsie Roll. "But you can do the same back."
"It's a deal." Ann smiled and plucked a mini Kit Kat out of the candy bag. "Now spill. What happened? I need details."
Leslie quickly ran through the events of that crazy night, occasionally glancing down at her phone to check for new texts.
"So, that's what happened," she said, finishing her story.
"Wow." Ann shook her head. "I always thought you two would fall into each other's arms after watching a documentary on the founding fathers, or something. This is lot sexier."
Leslie grinned. Though, now that she thought about it, a documentary on the founding fathers sounded like a pretty sexy option.
"So, how was it?" Ann prodded.
"Well, it wasn't mind blowing or anything, considering he was an emotional wreck and pretty tipsy. But it was still really, really nice. And if he can manage really, really nice while he's a tipsy wreck, there's a high probability of it being pretty freaking awesome when he has all his wits about him." Leslie felt herself getting a little warmer at the thought. She'd been trying not to dwell on it, but now that she could finally talk about it, it was hard not to speculate.
"Wow," said Ann, taking another bite of her Kit Kat and shaking her head. "I was honestly starting to think this would never happen. So do you think you're going to try to be together, now? I mean, the two of you have been talking all the time while he's been in Minnesota. Does that mean you're dating?"
Leslie frowned. These were the very questions she'd been contemplating for more than a week. "We have been talking a lot, but it was like, 90% friend-type stuff, and only about ten percent stuff that might have maybe been a little romantic."
"But you haven't actually talked about it?" Ann's eyebrows rose.
"No." Leslie sighed. "I didn't want to pressure him while he's dealing with all this stuff for his mom. Besides, I'm not really sure what I want this to be. I mean, I think that I want to be with him, but I'm not sure if we can actually manage it."
"It is tough." Ann nodded. "I mean, he'll only be in Pawnee for what, three and a half more weeks before he leaves for Atlanta? You only know each other as friends, not as a couple, which is completely different. And three weeks doesn't seem like enough time."
"No. It doesn't. And who knows how many thousands of dollars we'll have to spend on plane tickets to find out for sure whether or not this thing between us will actually work? On the other hand, if logistics is the only reason not to be together, that seems like a really crappy reason not to at least try, right?" This was the conversation Leslie had been waiting a week and a half to have, and it felt so good to get this off of her chest.
"True," replied Ann, as Leslie glanced down at her latest texts, "but the other thing you've got to think about is whether or not Ben is even capable of taking on a relationship right now, let alone a long distance one. He'll still be spending lots of time and money helping his mom over the next few months, which means less time for you. Plus, isn't he still dealing with some anxiety issues?" Ann grimaced. "I hate to say it, because I know how much you like him, but this is starting to look like a disaster waiting to happen."
Suddenly the candy in Leslie's mouth didn't taste so good anymore. "Oh god. I don't know what to do."
She'd been virtually certain that she wanted to give the relationship a try, but longer she and Ann talked the more enormous the potential downsides started to seem. She and Ann continued to dissect the complexities of the situation as they kept an eye on the statue.
After several more minutes Leslie looked down at her phone again.
Ann scowled. "Please tell me you haven't been texting Ben through our whole conversation."
"Just once, when he texted to let me know he was back in Indy," replied Leslie. "The rest of the time I've been texting Mrs. Pikitis."
"You mean the mom of the kid we're hoping to bust?"
"Yeah. She's in it with us tonight. Greg got in trouble earlier this week, so he's grounded to his room tonight. She's been checking on him every fifteen minutes to make sure he's staying put, and texting me with updates."
Ann's jaw dropped. "Then what's the point of this whole stake-out? We could've been at a party or a club instead of stuck here. What were you thinking?"
Ann sounded legitimately angry. Leslie would just have to explain things better. "First, we haven't had any good girl-talk time lately, so I thought this would be a perfect chance to get some. Second, that kid is the devil incarnate, and he very well could slip out his bedroom window any second and be here to wreak havoc. I am not letting my guard down just because he's grounded."
Ann shook her head. "Fine. Whatever."
Leslie suddenly felt more than a little guilty about roping Ann into this. "Hey-at least the girl talk is fun, right?"
Ann's smile was a little strained, but she nodded. "Yeah. It is."
"So, it's your turn. Have you talked to Chris again since that weird apology he gave you?"
"Just once," replied Ann, "and he still seemed really off. I'm kind of worried about him."
They talked about Ann's ever-evolving Chris feelings for several more minutes when Leslie's phone rang.
It was Mrs. Pikitis. "Leslie here," she said, answering immediately.
Her eyes went wide, and then narrowed again as Mrs. Pikitis shared her news. The time had come for Leslie to prove herself. "Don't worry. I'll find him, and I'll stop him."
"I know you will," replied Mrs. Pikitis. "And don't hesitate to call the cops. I'm starting to think that a night in jail might be only way to scare him straight."
"Don't worry. I'll do what's necessary." Not that she would have hesitated for an instant to call the cops. But it still felt nice to have his mom's permission.
She turned off her phone and turned to Ann. "We have a code red, Ann. Pikitus has flown the coop."
"Seriously?"
Leslie nodded. "His mom said that she found an inflatable sex doll in his bed where he should have been, and no sign of Greg. She's not sure when he snuck out because the last time she saw him awake was about an hour ago. He could be out there right now!" She jabbed her finger toward the statue, and then scrambled to lean over her seat and dig through the sack of supplies sitting just behind her. After a moment she found what she was looking for.
"Time to break out the serious gear," she said, raising a metal tube to her eye and flipping the switch.
"What's that?" asked Ann.
"A night vision scope," replied Leslie. "Ron lent it to me just for this occasion." She scanned the park intently. The area around the statue was still clear, but she thought she could detect signs of movement on the edge of the park.
She watched as several figures drew closer, and clenched her jaw in determination. She might not be able to figure out her crazy love life, but at least she could stop her arch enemy from desecrating a beloved public monument. "It's him. And I think he's holding spray paint. Time to move."
First she hit the speed dial to the police station and reported the incident. Harriet, the dispatcher, was expecting her call, and agreed to send a patrol car over right away. But Leslie knew they wouldn't make it in time to stop Pikitis from busting out that spray paint.
"Suit up, Ann," she said, pulling the hood of her black hoodie jacket over her head and tying the draw strings under her chin. "Nothing stands between Pikitis and utter chaos other than us."
Leslie led Ann on a stealthy approach, circling around behind Pikitis and his pals. While the three laughing juvenile delinquents were distracted shaking up their spray paint, Leslie caught Ann's gaze and silently held up three fingers, wordlessly counting down.
As Leslie dropped her third finger, she and Ann sprang into action, dashing forward with vicious war cries. "Get him!"
Later, Leslie wasn't sure she could remember all the details of those chaotic moments. All she knew was that in midst of shouting and running she somehow ended up sitting on Pikitis' back while Ann tackled and pinned one of his henchmen nearby. The third goon must have made a clean break. But Leslie didn't care. She'd foiled her nemesis once again. Adrenaline coursed through her veins. She hadn't felt this elated since the first day of the Harvest Festival. Leslie cackled in triumph as she spotted police lights approaching. "Busted! I got you this time, Pikitis! Ha!"
"You're insane, Knope! Get off of me!" Pikitis struggled in vain. There was no way Leslie was giving up this prize.
A few minutes and considerable shouting of accusations later, the police hauled Pikitis and his compatriot away.
"We did it!" Ann cheered, offering Leslie a high five. "I kind of thought you were crazy, at first, but oh my god-that was such a rush."
"I know, right?" answered Leslie, still breathing hard from the exhilaration. It was as if everything was getting clear in her mind. Boyfriends came and went, but her town and her friends-they were what lasted. They were what mattered the most. "See, we don't need boyfriends to make ourselves feel good. We don't need boyfriends to kick serious ass and stop evil in its tracks. All we need is each other."
Ann laughed and pulled her in for a warm hug. "You're the best. You're totally the superhero of Pawnee. And this was awesome. But you know what else would be awesome? Going back to your place with the rest of that candy and getting a little drunk. Or a lot drunk. Yeah-a lot drunk."
Leslie laughed back. "You're on."
~ ~ ~
Ben made it back to Pawnee just before ten that night, but he didn't text Leslie about his "plane landing" until almost ten forty-five. If she thought he was back in Pawnee, she'd probably want to see him, and he wasn't ready. He didn't feel prepared to hand down a rejection yet-or (though he couldn't decide if this option was better or worse), have her hand down a rejection to him.
Chris greeted him at the door with a warm hug and a bowl of mini-boxes of raisins which he'd been handing out to trick-or-treaters. The bowl was still mostly full (word about the raisins must have spread fast).
Once Ben deposited his bags up in his room and returned to the living room, Chris confronted him with a serious expression on his face. It seemed there was no getting out of unpleasant conversations tonight, no matter how much Ben wanted too.
"So," said Chris, as they sat across from each other, "let's review the game plan. For the next three and a half weeks our primary focus will be on leaving final financial plans in place for all city departments."
Ben nodded. Chris was right about this, at least. He'd hate for Pawnee to slip back into its old disastrous spending habits after all the work he and Chris had done. "Yep. That's our number one." In some ways it was comforting. Numbers were the one thing he never screwed up.
"And our secondary goal," Chris continued, "should be to bring closure to our relationships here in Pawnee. It's time to start breaking ties and bidding farewell to all the wonderful people we've met here."
Ben squeezed his eyes shut. The last thing in the world he wanted to do was bring closure to his relationships in Pawnee. One relationship in particular. But, as he well knew, sometimes doing the right thing required sacrifice.
Damn it.
Why did he always have to be the good guy?
He tried to lose himself by popping in a disc from the Star Trek: The Next Generation complete series boxed set that he'd treated himself to while in Indy, but by midnight he still wasn't tired and felt as discontent and antsy as ever.
A quick scan of the fridge revealed that not only were they completely out of beer, but also that they had no food whatsoever other than lettuce, odd-shaped fruit, and soy milk. Blech.
Well, a trip to the grocery store was as good a way as any to distract him from his wallowing.
While he filled his cart with essentials at the store, his phone started chiming as a string of text messages came in. Puzzled as to who could be texting him so enthusiastically at this late hour, Ben pulled the phone out of his pocket.
"I took down my nemesis tonight," read the first text from Leslie.
Ben smiled and started to scroll through the other texts as a few more popped up.
"pikitis. remember that punk? tackled him in the act of vandalism"
"seriously tackled him"
"he whined like a baby"
"I am the dark knight of pawnee"
Ben started chuckling. Leslie had already told him the tales of Pikitis's history of Halloween mayhem. Sounded like this year he'd met his match. And it also sounded like Leslie'd had a little too much sugar-and maybe some alcohol to boot.
"ann was my sidekick," the texts continued.
"dont tell her i called her a sidekick"
"she did kick ass but i was clearly the leader"
"and we didnt need any men to save pawnee"
"NO MEN"
Those last two texts made Ben raise an eyebrow. What was she getting at? Was he about to get dumped via text? Not that she could really dump him-they weren't actually dating. God-why did he even care? He was already planning on telling her they couldn't be together.
But he did care. He cared too much.
He moved on to the next text as he rolled his cart toward the bakery section.
"the cops were men"
"i value the service of our local law enforcement"
He started smiling again. So no rejections. At least, not tonight.
"but they never could have foiled this crime without me," continued another text.
"just saying"
"i think im drunk"
"see you tomorrow"
Ben shook his head. Good lord, the things this woman did to him. His whole spirit felt lighter. He wasn't going to think about rejection anymore tonight. Just about how lucky he'd been to know her-even if just for a few months.
When he rolled his cart through the bakery section, his eyes riveted on a display of Halloween-themed treats. Sitting front and center was a tray of brownies decorated with icing in the shape of the Bat-signal.
Brownies and Batman-the perfect gift for the Dark Knight of Pawnee.
He picked up the tray and added it to his cart.
Ben didn't head home when he started driving. It was a bad idea. A terrible idea. But he couldn't stop staring at that tray of Bat-brownies sitting in the passenger seat next to him. And Leslie had texted him just ten minutes ago. She was probably still up.
Terrible idea or not, he headed straight for Leslie's house.
His heart leaped when he saw the lights still on. Even Leslie didn't sleep with the lights on. In fact, she didn't sleep much at all.
He pulled over and took a few deep breaths.
What was he doing? Showing up like this was the exact opposite of his plan.
He closed his eyes and gripped the steering wheel. I should turn around and drive home right now. That would be the smart thing to do.
But he didn't feel very smart at the moment.
With a burst of courage and stupid rebellion against his rotten lot in life, he turned off his engine and got out of the car. Just as he reached back in for the brownies, he noticed something that had escaped his attention during his inner debate-Ann's car was parked in the driveway.
Crap.
He couldn't go up to the door with Ann in there, having whatever kind of drunk girl-talk she and Leslie were caught up in.
With a shake of his head and a sigh, he slid back into his seat.
He drove home feeling both disappointed and relieved. What had he been expecting, anyway? One last night of passion before calling it off? What good would that have done for either of them?
No. They were better off this way.
Yet, his heart still ached.
~ ~ ~
Leslie left Ann asleep on the couch where they'd both crashed around two in the morning after coming down from their sugar-high and sharing a bottle and a half of wine. Though it was barely dawn, Leslie couldn't sleep any more. Instead, she started a pot of coffee and went upstairs to shower.
She felt emotionally drained. Last night everything had seemed so clear. Ann and her other friends were all she needed-why pursue an almost-certain-to-fail relationship with Ben when she had so many other sources of fulfillment in her life?
But now, with a headache stabbing between her eyes and the hot water washing away her stupor, her doubts came flooding back. So many things about Ben felt so very right. She hadn't been this compatible with a man in-well-a very long time. Maybe ever.
Yet it all came back to logistics. All the logistics would make it so damn hard.
Nothing about this felt fair.
Leslie tried to put it out of her mind and focus on all the work she still had ahead of her to re-launch the community education program. Now that the money from the success of the Harvest Festival had overflowed the Parks budget, they had more than enough to reinstate that program and more. She'd have a pretty full plate for the rest of the year and into the next. That's what she needed to think about. Not the man that was leaving Pawnee in three and a half weeks.
Sure, later today she'd have to find a way to return him to the "strictly friends" zone without hurting him in the process. Or hurting herself. Damn.
But she had more important concern. Much more important. At least, that's what she was determined to believe.
Ann didn't stir until Leslie was dressed and ready for the day and sipping on her third cup of coffee.
"God, what time is it?" Ann moaned.
"Seven forty-five. I was just getting ready to leave. But you can go back to sleep. You're working the swing shift today, remember?"
Ann nodded and rubbed her eyes. "Yeah. Thank god."
Leslie smiled at her friend. "Thanks again for last night. It really helped me get all that pent-up tension out of my system."
"Anytime," replied Ann with a sleepy smile. "Are you gonna be okay with all the Ben-stuff today?"
Leslie sighed and nodded. "Yeah. It won't be fun. But you're right. You're absolutely right. There's no way a long-distance relationship would work out, and I just need to accept that and move on."
"I know it sucks," replied Ann, "but it's totally better to get it over with now instead of dragging things out, like I did with Chris. I don't want to see you get hurt like that."
"Oh, Ann, you beautiful cuddly koala bear, thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm sure I'll be all right." With a best friend like Ann, how could she not be?
What Leslie hadn't counted on was the impact actually seeing him again would have on her. She walked up to the city management offices mid-morning to welcome him back, and when he saw her his face lit up with a smile that made her heart race.
He immediately stood up and walked over to greet her. She wasn't sure who hugged whom, but damn, it felt good to have his arms wrapped around her. Crap. This was going to be even harder than she'd expected, wasn't it?
They chatted for a few minutes in the easy way only good friends can chat about nothing in particular without feeling bored or uncomfortable. They could still have this, Leslie reminded herself. Keeping a long distance friendship was still possible. And it would be worth it-even if it meant occasional pangs of regret that they'd never been something more.
"Hey, do you want to grab some lunch in an hour or two?" she asked.
"Um-uh-I-I think I'm going to work through lunch, today," he said, his eyes dodging her gaze. "I've got a lot of catch up work to do. But-but-swing by later. We do need to talk."
Leslie nodded, feeling relieved that she could put off the inevitable a little longer. "Sure. See you later."
~ ~ ~
Ben swallowed hard when Leslie left his office.
He didn't want to go through with this. As much as he'd tried to talk himself into it, he couldn't make himself want to let go. Yes, it was selfish to cling to her like this. Selfish to want to drag her into his problems and make her a part of his life-his real life. But that's what he wanted.
Which was probably why it was the last thing he should do.
Damn it.
He managed to focus on his work for most of the rest of the day, but the weight of his decision sat on his shoulders, growing heavier by the hour.
Leslie stopped by again just before five, and the sight of her smile immediately made him feel lighter.
He made small talk about her new Parks projects for a few minutes, trying to avoid getting to the subject that must be on her mind as much as it was on his. Fortunately, he had one more delay tactic. "Hey-I got you something."
Her eyebrows rose. "Really?"
He walked over to the file cabinets at the side of his desk and pulled a flat box off the top, turning to display the contents to Leslie. "It's some Bat-brownies!" he said with exaggerated enthusiasm. "I was at the store when I got your texts last night, and I saw these and thought that the hero of Pawnee deserved a little reward."
Her smile wavered a little, and, even more surprising, moisture welled in her eyes. "Oh, they're perfect." Her voice quivered a little.
Was she actually getting emotional over brownies? That wasn't the reaction he'd been hoping for.
"And they're from Anderson's Market," she said. "They make really good brownies at Anderson's." Her voice still shook a little.
"Um-Leslie, are you okay?"
"Fine. Fine. I just-I just remembered I have a meeting I have to get to."
"At ten 'til five?"
"Yes." She nodded. "It's a very big, important meeting. And I'm going to be late. So-uh-thanks for the brownies." She took the box from his hands. "They're great. Thank you. But I've got to run."
Before she could scurry out of the room, he said, "Wait-uh-can we get together later? For dinner or something?"
She froze and took a few breaths before answering. "I can't. Tonight. I've got a thing. With Ann. But-uh-how about lunch tomorrow?"
He sighed. Great. One more night of torture before he could get this over with. "Yeah. Lunch tomorrow sounds great."
"Okay. See you then." With that, she escaped into the hall.
~ ~ ~
Leslie made it to the hospital by 5:21, which was something of a record for her, considering she got in her car at 5:09.
"Ann!" she called out when she spotted her friend down the hall.
Ann scrunched up her forehead and put on a sympathetic smile as Leslie approached her. "Hey," said Ann. "So, was the rejection hard? Did he not take it very well?"
Ugh. "I couldn't go through with it," Leslie confessed. "He looked so cute, and so happy to see me, and he bought me Batman brownies. I just couldn't do it."
Ann turned down the corners of her mouth. "Leslie-I thought you agreed that any relationship was doomed and it was best to stop things in their tracks right now, before you got in any deeper. How does cuteness or brownies change that?
"They were Batman brownies, Ann," replied Leslie. Honestly, sometimes Ann didn't catch onto the important details.
"It doesn't matter what kind of brownies they were," said Ann, shaking her head. "He's still leaving, isn't he?"
Crap. It always came down to this, didn't it? "Yes."
"And you're staying right here in Pawnee."
Leslie sighed. "Yes."
Ann held her hands out in front of her. "Then that's all there is to it."
Leslie leaned back against the reception counter. This discussion kept going in the same circle over and over and over again. She nodded glumly.
Ann leaned next to her. "Hey-you know I'm only trying to help, right? I just don't want you getting caught up in something that won't ever go anywhere, like I did with Chris. I don't want to see you get hurt."
"I know. But it already hurts. Every time I think about him moving away, my whole chest gets tight and my head starts aching and everything sucks." Leslie tipped her head to rest it on Ann's shoulder. "I really, really care about him, and I don't want him to leave. But it's not like I can ask him to stay for me-he really needs the job, especially now that he's helping to pay for his mom's home-healthcare. And I certainly can't go with him. My life is here."
"Have you really been thinking about asking Ben to stay?"
"I guess I have been," replied Leslie. She'd kept it to herself because it was so selfish and immature. It's not like Ben owed her any kind of loyalty. Not after the crazy up and down not-quite-more-than-friendship they'd had. "I know, it's silly."
"No," Ann shook her head. "It's not silly. Not if that's how you really feel. I guess I never realized before now how serious you are about him."
Leslie lifted her head and stood up straight. She needed to start acting like a grown-up. "I shouldn't be. We've known each other for less than six months, and for almost half that time we were fighting. It's ridiculous. I'm acting like a love-sick teenager."
"Leslie, love can be ridiculous sometimes. I mean, I let Andy move in with me after dating for less than two months, and we were together for almost three years after that. Sometimes things can happen really fast, whether we want it or plan it or not."
Leslie pondered Ann's words. There was no way she would have wanted or planned to fall for one of the men brought in to tear apart her city's budget. But she had. She'd fallen hard, and she couldn't deny it.
"Look," Ann rested her hand on Leslie's shoulder, "I'm sorry I've been pressuring you to stay out of a relationship with Ben. I guess I was thinking more about what happened with me and Chris, and I was projecting it onto you. Like I expected Ben to hurt you the way Chris hurt me. But Ben isn't Chris."
Leslie shook her head. "No, he isn't."
"So maybe you should tell him how you feel. Take a chance and put it all on the line. Maybe you'll find out he feels the same way, and maybe that means the long-distance thing actually has a shot at working. I don't want to you miss out on something that's potentially great just because I told you not to."
Butterflies danced in Leslie's stomach, and her heart raced. Could she really do it? Could she really take a leap of faith like this?
Ann held her gaze. "Well?"
What the hell. Go big or go home, right? Just like she'd told Andy. Time to see if she could walk the talk. She nodded resolutely. "Okay. I'm gonna do it. We have a lunch date tomorrow. And I'll put it all out there, and see what happens."
"Yay!" Ann grinned. "I know you can do it. I'm rooting for you. And if he hurts you, I'll beat him senseless with a baseball bat."
Leslie hugged her friend. "Aww, you're the best friend ever."
"I know."
~ ~ ~
As Ben strode toward the Parks Department to meet Leslie for their lunch date, he felt like a man heading for his own execution.
He had to let her go. He had to let her get on with her life. She didn't deserve to be dragged into his problems.
He'd been repeating that mantra to himself since yesterday evening when he gave her the brownies. He wasn't sure if it had helped.
The radiant smile she gave him when she saw him didn't help any, either.
They kept things simple and bought some sandwiches at the commissary and took them to the little park neighboring city hall to eat. He was glad it was warm enough for it-he didn't want to do this in a restaurant where they'd feel trapped, or in the courtyard where they'd feel exposed to the gaze of all their friends and colleagues.
They sat on a bench angled to look at a small fountain, and Leslie asked him about his mom again. He was so sick of spinning elaborations around those particular lies that he turned the conversation away as quickly as possible by asking for more details on her Halloween night exploits. It was fun to listen to her wax poetic about the paramount evil of Greg Pikitis, and to not-so-humbly recount her own role in taking him down. Ben wished he could've been there to see it.
After they finished their sandwiches, Ben took a deep breath to brace himself for what he had to do. "So, I think we need to talk about-well-us. And the future."
"Yes. I agree." Leslie nodded.
"Um, okay, can I go first?" He really couldn't get through this if he had to listen to Leslie's side of things first. It didn't matter whether she planned on rejecting him-or something else. Neither option would make this any more palatable. Neither would make him feel any better.
No. It was better to take control of this himself, and just get through it.
"Yes-yeah. Sure. Go ahead." She looked nervous. Damn it.
Ben looked down at his hands clenched together in his lap. He couldn’t bring himself to meet her eyes right now. "So, I've been doing a lot of thinking about us. And about that night."
"Yeah. Me too."
Lord. He had to be strong. He had to get through this.
"I-I guess what I've been thinking is that I like you. A lot."
"I like you a lot, too." She had that radiant smile on her face again.
Crap. Don't look at her. Don't look at her. "But," he said, a little too loudly, "my life is in a really crazy place right now. The move and my panic issues were bad enough, but now with all this stuff with my mom. . . I-I-I just don't feel like I have it in me to be in a relationship right now."
There. He'd said it.
Leslie's shoulders slumped, and her head drooped a little.
Shit. This was why he wasn't supposed to look at her. "I'm-I'm sorry."
"No. It's okay. I understand. Really, I do. I kind of expected this, actually." She didn't sound like she'd expected it. Her voice shook a little as she spoke. "I mean, you have so much on your plate right now. So . . ."
"I do. I do," he muttered, feeling like an asshole. Again. He had to do something. To say something. "I don't want you to think this has anything to do with you. You're great. Amazing. You're one of the best people I've ever known. Really. I just-I care about you too much to pull you into a relationship that I can't fully commit to. That wouldn't be fair to you. You deserve better than that." He shook his head. Crap. Now his own voice was getting rough with emotion. Get it together, man. "You deserve so much more than I can give you right now. And I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry."
Leslie looked off at the fountain. He couldn't tell what she was thinking, but she didn't look happy. From the glint of moisture in her eyes, he was pretty sure she hadn't planned on rejecting him, today.
He kind of hated himself right now.
She took a deep breath, and then looked over at him. "Well, first, I think you underestimate yourself. But second, I understand. I really do. You've been through a lot this year, and it's not over yet. I completely understand if you need more time before you feel ready to be in a relationship."
He could tell she was being brave-that she was struggling to put on a positive face. That made it hurt even worse.
He looked back down at his hands. "Thank you. I appreciate that."
They sat in silence for a few minutes, listening to the rush of passing cars, the babble of the fountain, and the quiet in and out of each other's emotion-laden breath.
What more was there to say?
"Well, this is a little awkward," Leslie said, with just a hint of a smile on her face.
And just like that, things felt a little better. Not a lot. But just enough to make it bearable.
"I don't want to be awkward," she continued. "I mean, we're still friends, right?"
"Yes. Of course." He didn't want to think about the long silence that would come when he left Pawnee. She was going to hate him for that. But she didn't hate him, yet. That was something he could hold onto for just a little longer. "I-I still want that. If you do?" He finally met her eyes again.
She smiled at him. And his heart raced.
"I do," she said.
He nodded. "Then we are."
"Good."
They didn't talk much as they walked back to city hall, but things didn't feel quite as bad as he'd expected. At least, not until they parted ways outside his office and he watched her walking away.
In less than a month he might lose her forever. And he'd just passed up his best chance to tell her how much she really meant to him.
Ben headed into Chris's office.
Chris looked at him with raised eyebrows. "Did you . . .?"
Ben nodded. "I did. It's done." He leaned against the doorframe, feeling hollow inside. "I think I might need to get drunk tonight."
Chris stood and walked over to him to pat him firmly on the shoulder. "I understand. And I will gladly accompany you to be your shoulder to cry on. And your designated driver."
Ben managed to crack a smile. "Thanks. I think I'll need both."
~ ~ ~
Leslie held it together until she found an empty bathroom. She locked herself into the biggest stall.
So much for taking a leap of faith. She hadn't gotten a single word out before Ben dropped his bomb. Now she never would.
She took a shuddering breath as the tears finally started to roll down her cheeks. Crap, crap, crap. Everything hurt.
Her shoulders shook as she fought through a few quiet sobs. She leaned against the wall of the stall and put her face in her hands. She should have known better than to let herself get so caught up in this. She had known better. She just hadn't stopped herself.
She let the tears flow for a few minutes to get the worst out of her system. She still had to get through an afternoon of work. God, she didn't want to go back to work today.
After a few minutes she pulled her phone out of her purse and hit speed dial number one.
Ann answered on the second ring. "Hey, how'd your lunch go?"
"Not good," Leslie replied.
"Do I need to get out my baseball bat?"
"No," Leslie smiled. "It wasn't that bad. Just-not what I'd hoped for."
"I'm so sorry, Leslie. What can I do?"
Leslie swallowed hard. "Do you think we could go out and get really drunk tonight?"
"Absolutely."
~ ~ ~
Sitting in a dark booth in the back of the Snakehole Lounge, Ben could hardly believe he'd been terrified of this place the first time he'd come here. Now, it felt comforting to be able to fade into the background of moving bodies and loud music and flashing lights, and just feel invisible for a night.
Well, not entirely invisible. They'd had to move tables three times to find a place isolated enough that women wouldn't hit on Chris. But Ben thought they'd finally managed it.
He hadn't felt like sharing the details of his depressing lunch with Leslie until after he'd had four beers. Sometime part-way through his fifth, he started talking and couldn't seem to stop.
"She looked so sad and disappointed," he said as Chris nodded sympathetically. "And I'm the jerk who did that to her. I suck."
"You don't suck, Ben. You're simply stuck between a rock and a hard place, trying to do the best that you can." Chris's customary positivity didn't do much to change Ben's mood.
"You know the worst part?" Ben said as he started in on his sixth beer, "The worst part is that she thinks we're going to stay in touch when I leave. She's thinks we'll be email pals, and that we'll talk on the phone and stuff. God, when she tries calling me and gets a disconnected number she's going to hate me. I'm just gonna be another name on her list of crappy guys who treated her like shit. Ugh." He closed his eyes and hung his head. The thought that Leslie would think badly of him after he left filled him with a ball of festering despair.
"Someday, once this is all over," said Chris, "she'll learn the truth. And she'll forgive you. Leslie isn't the type of person to hold a grudge. Not when you're acting out of a noble purpose."
Ben shook his head. "I don't just want her forgiveness someday. I want her to know why I can't talk to her. I want her understand that it's not her fault and that I'm not a jerk. I want to know that she's out there, rooting for me. That's not too much to want, is it?"
Chris looked solemn for a moment. "Well-you could write her a letter."
Ben's eyes went wide and he sat up straight. "Oh my god. I could write her a letter. I could explain everything."
"Yes," said Chris softly. "You could send it the day we leave. By then it'll be too late to do any harm."
"And then she'll know." Ben clutched his bottle tightly. This was it. This was the answer he'd been looking for. "She'll understand why I have to go away. Why we can't be together. I can tell her everything." It wasn't perfect, but it was all he had, so he'd make the most of it.
He met Chris's eyes. "I just want her to think well of me. I don't want to go away without her thinking well of me. You know?" His heart ached again to talk about leaving, but at least now he had some hope.
"Yes. I understand completely. If I could go back in time and explain things to Kelsey, I'd do it in a heartbeat."
Ben stared at his beer, his mind swirling. It had taken him a long time to understand Chris's lingering struggle over his relationship with Kelsey. But now-now he understood. "Chris," he said, "remember how you kept warning me not to get too attached to Leslie because you thought I was falling in love with her? And I kept blowing you off?"
"I remember." Chris nodded.
Ben took a deep breath, and the ache in his chest swelled as he spoke. "I need to apologize. Because you were right. You were right."
As much as it hurt, it still helped to say it out loud. To finally confess the truth.
Chris wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close. "It'll be all right, buddy. Eventually, someday, we'll both be all right."
~ ~ ~
Leslie and Ann sat at a table near the bar when they got to the Snakehole so that they'd get their drinks faster.
Leslie got things started with a few shots before switching to beer. She didn't feel like wasting any time when it came to drinking away her pain.
"I get it. I totally get it," Leslie rambled to Ann several drinks in. "His life is a mess and he doesn't think he can commit to a relationship right now. It makes sense. But it sucks."
"It really does," Ann agree, sipping her margarita.
"It suuuucks," Leslie repeated. "I almost wish I could be mad at him. Because that would be easier-I could get mad, and get it out of my system. But Ben seemed almost as sad as I am. For a minute there I thought he was gonna cry. God! Why does everything have to suck so bad?"
"It's horrible. And terrible. And it sucks. And you can complain to me about how much it sucks every day for the next six months," said Ann. "But tonight you need to get the worst of it out so you can move on. Don't let this slow you down. You have too much going for you right now."
"You're right!" Leslie jabbed her pointer finger in the air again. "I do. I have sooo much going for me."
"Damn right."
Ann always knew exactly what to say. Leslie didn't know what she'd do without Ann.
They drank for a while longer, joking and playing quarters. Eventually, Leslie got hungry. "I'm gonna go get some peanuts. And maybe some mozzarella sticks. You stay here and watch our drinks."
After leaving her order for mozzarella sticks at the bar, Leslie paid a visit to the ladies' room. When she stepped out of the restroom her eyes met a very unexpected sight, and she froze. It was Ben. "Oh my god."
His jaw dropped and he stammered soundlessly for a moment. "I-hi."
"I'm here with Ann. We weren't talking about you," said Leslie, her heart racing.
"I-I-I'm here-uh-with Chris." Ben looked flushed. A moment later he added, "We were talking about you."
Leslie blinked nervously, feeling a little sick. "You were?"
He nodded. "Yeah. All night."
Crap on a cockroach. This was not what she needed to hear right now. "Well, stop it."
Ben frowned. "You want me to stop?"
"Yes!" God, she was too tipsy for this. Ugh. "I really wanted to be with you. And it sucks. And it'll suck even worse if I know you're out there still thinking about me and talking about me. I can't deal with that right now. So just stop it, okay?"
Ben stared at her with a puzzled expression for a few moments before softly murmuring, "Okay."
But he still didn't move. And he just kept staring at her. What was his problem?
Leslie was about to throw her hands up in frustration when Ben lunged forward and kissed her.
She gasped in shock as his arm circled her waist and his other hand slid through her hair but then his lips were on hers, warm and inviting and eager, and oh boy. She felt herself melting into him, and let the tingling sensations soar through her body.
She ran her hands up his back, pulling him closer, and opened her mouth to tease his lips with her tongue. God, it felt good.
He'd changed his mind. He'd changed his mind, and now everything would be fine.
After a few moments Ben slowly pulled back from her, and looked down at her, still breathing hard. She watched as his face morphed from happiness to confusion to something absolutely not happy.
No. No no no no no. Not again. Please.
"Ben?"
He shook his head and stepped back. "I'm sorry. That was stupid. I-I-I wasn't thinking. I need to go now."
"No-wait-" Leslie held up a hand to stop him but he kept backing away.
"I'm sorry. Really sorry. Just-you and Ann stay here. I'm leaving." And he walked away.
The pain in Leslie's chest swelled back up and she felt tears pricking her eyes. Damn it! At least this time she could be angry.
She stormed back to her table and slumped onto the bench seat next to Ann.
"What's wrong?" Ann scrunched her forehead.
"Ben was here. And he was a big stupid jerk face." Leslie's voice caught in throat, but she fought back her tears. She'd cried enough for one day. "I think maybe it's time for your baseball bat."
~ ~ ~
Thankfully, Chris didn't question Ben when he made it back to their table and announced that they had to leave because Leslie was there. Instead he simply drove them home, and let Ben sit in silence.
The next morning Ben woke up with a pounding headache, a sour mouth, and a chest full of regret.
Right when he'd finally found a solution to his problem, he'd gone and screwed things up again.
It was just his luck that Leslie had turned up right when he was drunk and emotional and needy. And to hear her say how much she'd wanted to be with him-it had been too much for his stupid addled brain.
How would he ever be able to apologize for this?
Ben did his best to avoid everyone but Chris for the first few hours of work. He needed to build up his fortitude before trying to face her down. But he knew he'd have to face her eventually, if he ever wanted a chance at leaving Pawnee with any traces of positive feelings still in her mind. He still wanted to write her that letter. And he wanted her to start reading it with good thoughts of him rather than bad.
Damn it.
Finally, just before lunch, he screwed up his courage and made his way down to the Parks Department to face her.
Based on the cordial greetings he got from the rest of the gang, it seemed that at least she hadn't started bad-mouthing him yet. That was something.
Fortunately, Leslie was alone in her office. Tom must have already left for an early lunch. Ben forced a smile and knocked lightly on her doorframe before stepping inside. "Hi."
"Hi," she said, folding her arms and glaring at him coldly.
He sighed. Well, he'd expected as much. "I came to apologize. For what happened last night."
She squeezed her lips tight and said nothing.
Great. "Uh, I'd had a little too much to drink, and, uh, my brain wasn't working too well, and I acted on impulse instead of rationality. But, I know I hurt you. And that was really crappy of me. And I'm sorry."
"You should be. And you'll be even sorrier once Ann finishes bashing in your headlights with a baseball bat."
"She what?" Ben's eyebrows shot up.
Leslie unfolded her arms and sighed. "Actually she probably won't do that, because she doesn't want to get arrested. But she did give it very serious thought."
"And I don't blame her," he replied. "I deserve it. I was-a huge jerk, last night. And I'd completely understand if you don't want to have anything more to do with me."
Leslie looked away from him and shook her head. "I don't know what I want anymore."
Ben nodded quietly. He wasn't going to push her on this one.
Finally, she said, "I think I need a little space for a few days. I need to process all this. I've done stupid things when I'm drunk, too. We all have. But it still really hurts right now, and I need a little time to figure out if I can still be friends with you. Because right now I just don't know."
It hurt, but Ben understood. "Okay. That's fair. I get it. I'll just, uh, give you some space for the rest of the week. And if you ever feel like talking to me again, you can talk to me."
The conversation left him with a glimmer of hope, but not enough to ease the ache in his heart.
The rest of the week he threw himself into his work, trying to drown out his emotions with numbers and facts. He might have messed things up with Leslie, but he could still help Pawnee. The reports he and Chris were preparing laid out a roadmap for the future of the city. A two-year plan to steer them on the course of continued financial solvency, and to provide the best possible services for their citizens.
It could be his parting gift back to the city that had given him so much when he needed it the most.
And at night, when he couldn't sleep, he started writing his letter to Leslie.
He'd made up his mind. Whether she forgave him or not, he was sending this to her when he left.
~ ~ ~
Leslie changed her mind about Ben nearly every hour over those next few days.
Sometimes she'd decide that what he'd done was no worse than half a dozen things she'd done while inebriated. Or on a sugar high. Or sleep deprived. And she'd be headed down the corridor to the stairs up to his office before stopping and reminding herself not to be too hasty.
Sometimes she'd be convinced that cutting him out of her life completely would be the healthiest option for both of them. And then she'd feel like crying and binge on ice cream.
Nothing made sense.
She wanted Ben in her life, but not if their friendship was constantly tinged with this unbearable sexual tension. It was just too stressful.
However, she couldn’t fathom a way for their friendship to not be tinged with sexual tension. It was pretty clear that both of them had feelings that far exceeded friendship, and there was no turning back from that.
Yet the thought of giving up and walking away left a raw ache in her chest. She knew she could do it-but did she really want to?
By the middle of the day Friday, she'd made up her mind. There was only one real solution to this dilemma. It was the very solution she should have spoken up for on Tuesday, instead of quietly letting Ben call all the shots.
She'd tell him she wanted to be with him. A real relationship. No matter how hard it would be, or how messed up his life was, she was still ready to give it a try. At this point it was all or nothing. She didn't think she could live with halfway. Not anymore.
A little after lunch she texted him to ask if he could come to meeting room five, to talk to her in private.
It was do or die time.
~ ~ ~
Ben's gut churned as he walked to the meeting room. He wanted to believe that he could handle whatever she planned on saying to him, but the truth was, he was terrified.
Ben had been in love before. A couple of times. Both times it had fallen apart for stupid reasons, and he'd eventually managed to bounce back.
But this was different. Leslie was different. And he was different.
He wasn't sure if he could handle this.
Her smile was strained when he stepped into the meeting room and closed the door behind him. "Hi," she said softly.
"Hi," he said back, slipping into a seat across the meeting table from her. "So-you want to talk?"
She nodded. "Yes. I've given our situation a lot of thought over the past few days, and I think I've figured out what I want. It seems to me that both of us have feelings for each other. Feelings that sometimes override our common sense. I mean, it's not just me, right?" She didn't sound nervous until that final question.
"No. It's not just you. I do have feelings for you." It felt like such a relief to finally say those words to her face. "Strong feelings. But I've been-I've been afraid to act on them. Because I feel like I'm not in the position to be the kind of boyfriend you deserve."
"Maybe you need to stop making those decisions for me, and let me make them for myself," replied Leslie, a determined glint in her eyes. "I know you're pretty screwed up right now, with the panic disorder, and the stress of getting this consulting business started with Chris, and the move, and now your mom. I get how hard things are for you right now. I do. But I also think that finding someone you really connect with is a rare and special thing, and we'll both regret it for a long time if we don't at least give this a chance."
Ben could hardly breathe. He'd expected, at best, a return to her offer of continued friendship. But this? This was something he was completely unprepared for. "I-I don't know what to say."
"You could start by saying you're ready to stop making unilateral decisions for the both of us. You could say that if I'm willing to put up with your messy life, then you'll be willing to try to make room in it for me. That would be a pretty good place to start." She smiled at him, the hope shining clearly in her eyes.
Oh shit. How the hell was he supposed to respond to this? It was everything he wanted, but nothing he could give. "But I can't."
She froze, the shock and pain registering instantly in her eyes.
No. That's not what he meant to do. Ben shot to his feet. "That's not what I meant. I mean, it is what I meant, but not in the way you think I meant it."
"I don't understand."
He ran his fingers through his hair, struggling to find the words. "I mean I want to. I really, really want to be with you. But I literally can't do it."
"Why not?" Leslie stood up, spreading her arms in disbelief. "You said you aren't married, and you don't have a kid somewhere, and you're not a murderer or a con man or a fugitive, or anything, are you?"
Ben started pacing. Crap, crap, crap.
"Are you?" she implored.
"Damn it. I can't take this anymore."
"Take what anymore?" She sounded ready to scream.
He felt ready to scream.
Ben faced her and rested his hands on the table, leaning toward her. "Everson Pharmaceuticals."
She furrowed her brow. "What? That court case you're following? Why are you bringing that up now?"
"Because it's not just a court case. I used to work there. Chris and I both worked there. Together." His heart felt ready to pound out of his chest.
"I don't understand."
"Look it up," he said, his voice raw in his throat. "Get on your computer and look it up on Google. With the trial a month away, I'm sure there's plenty of articles out there. Read everything you find. And you'll see why I can't be with you. You'll see why I can't just say to hell with the Atlanta job. Because I'm not really going there for a job. I'm going there for that trial."
Her breath shook, and she stared him with wide eyes. "What are you saying? What do you mean you're going there for the trial?"
Ben took a deep breath. "We're witnesses. Chris and I. We're both witnesses."
He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment before meeting her gaze again. She looked so lost and hurt and confused, and there was nothing he could do to make it better. Nothing but this. "I've told you so many lies. Too many to count. And it's been killing me. I can't do it anymore. So this is the truth. Everson Pharmaceuticals. Look it up. Read everything you can find. And if you never want to see me again, I'll understand. I probably wouldn't want to see me again if I was you." He swallowed. "But if you have any questions-anything you want to talk about, or ask me, or tell me-just call, and I'll come. I'll tell you everything you want to know. All you have to do is ask. I'm not going anywhere. Not yet."
"Ben-" She still looked stunned. "This is for real. This isn't a joke?"
He shook his head. "This is as real as it gets. Look it up. Read it. I'll be here."
He turned and stepped out the door, his breath coming in short gasps, his hands shaking.
Everything had changed. There was no going back.
TBC
Part 15
Fandom: Parks and Recreation
Characters/Ships: Ben/Leslie, Chris/Ann, Andy/April, Ben/Pawnee, ensemble
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~ 10,000
Summary: When corporate whistleblowers Ben Adams and Chris Robinson barely escape an attempt on their lives, they gladly accept the protection of the Federal Witness Protection program. What they don't count on is being sent to a city that feels more like something out of a movie or a sitcom than real life: Pawnee Indiana. An AU starting in "Master Plan."
Author's Notes: So, this one isn't short. But I don't think you'll mind. And I shirked lots of responsibilities to bring you a long chapter so quickly, because apparently I just can't help myself. Enjoy! Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14
Leslie knew her revelation had been too abrupt when Ann started choking on her mouthful of Smarties.
The two of them sat eating candy in the front seats of Leslie's car, parked around the corner and strategically concealed behind some shrubs from the statue of Mayor William Percy in Ramsett Park.
In theory Leslie had brought the bags of candy to pass out to the crowds of trick-or-treaters in the neighborhood. But when Ann pointed out that parents might not take kindly to two black-clad strangers luring kids to their car with candy, Leslie had deferred to her wisdom. Besides, it was better to keep the candy for themselves.
After taking a minute to catch her breath and washing her Smarties down with a few gulps from her water bottle, Ann glared at Leslie. "You slept with Ben ten days ago, and you never told me?!"
When Ann put it like that, Leslie did feel a little foolish. "Well, with the festival and then all your extra shifts plus the stuff with Chris, I didn't want to bug you with this."
Ann shook her head. "No. I'm your best friend. When stuff like this happens, bug me."
And that was why Leslie loved her so much. "So I officially have your permission to bug you about big stuff, even when you're stressed?"
"Yes. Absolutely."
"I'm gonna hold you to that." Leslie pointed at Ann with her Tootsie Roll. "But you can do the same back."
"It's a deal." Ann smiled and plucked a mini Kit Kat out of the candy bag. "Now spill. What happened? I need details."
Leslie quickly ran through the events of that crazy night, occasionally glancing down at her phone to check for new texts.
"So, that's what happened," she said, finishing her story.
"Wow." Ann shook her head. "I always thought you two would fall into each other's arms after watching a documentary on the founding fathers, or something. This is lot sexier."
Leslie grinned. Though, now that she thought about it, a documentary on the founding fathers sounded like a pretty sexy option.
"So, how was it?" Ann prodded.
"Well, it wasn't mind blowing or anything, considering he was an emotional wreck and pretty tipsy. But it was still really, really nice. And if he can manage really, really nice while he's a tipsy wreck, there's a high probability of it being pretty freaking awesome when he has all his wits about him." Leslie felt herself getting a little warmer at the thought. She'd been trying not to dwell on it, but now that she could finally talk about it, it was hard not to speculate.
"Wow," said Ann, taking another bite of her Kit Kat and shaking her head. "I was honestly starting to think this would never happen. So do you think you're going to try to be together, now? I mean, the two of you have been talking all the time while he's been in Minnesota. Does that mean you're dating?"
Leslie frowned. These were the very questions she'd been contemplating for more than a week. "We have been talking a lot, but it was like, 90% friend-type stuff, and only about ten percent stuff that might have maybe been a little romantic."
"But you haven't actually talked about it?" Ann's eyebrows rose.
"No." Leslie sighed. "I didn't want to pressure him while he's dealing with all this stuff for his mom. Besides, I'm not really sure what I want this to be. I mean, I think that I want to be with him, but I'm not sure if we can actually manage it."
"It is tough." Ann nodded. "I mean, he'll only be in Pawnee for what, three and a half more weeks before he leaves for Atlanta? You only know each other as friends, not as a couple, which is completely different. And three weeks doesn't seem like enough time."
"No. It doesn't. And who knows how many thousands of dollars we'll have to spend on plane tickets to find out for sure whether or not this thing between us will actually work? On the other hand, if logistics is the only reason not to be together, that seems like a really crappy reason not to at least try, right?" This was the conversation Leslie had been waiting a week and a half to have, and it felt so good to get this off of her chest.
"True," replied Ann, as Leslie glanced down at her latest texts, "but the other thing you've got to think about is whether or not Ben is even capable of taking on a relationship right now, let alone a long distance one. He'll still be spending lots of time and money helping his mom over the next few months, which means less time for you. Plus, isn't he still dealing with some anxiety issues?" Ann grimaced. "I hate to say it, because I know how much you like him, but this is starting to look like a disaster waiting to happen."
Suddenly the candy in Leslie's mouth didn't taste so good anymore. "Oh god. I don't know what to do."
She'd been virtually certain that she wanted to give the relationship a try, but longer she and Ann talked the more enormous the potential downsides started to seem. She and Ann continued to dissect the complexities of the situation as they kept an eye on the statue.
After several more minutes Leslie looked down at her phone again.
Ann scowled. "Please tell me you haven't been texting Ben through our whole conversation."
"Just once, when he texted to let me know he was back in Indy," replied Leslie. "The rest of the time I've been texting Mrs. Pikitis."
"You mean the mom of the kid we're hoping to bust?"
"Yeah. She's in it with us tonight. Greg got in trouble earlier this week, so he's grounded to his room tonight. She's been checking on him every fifteen minutes to make sure he's staying put, and texting me with updates."
Ann's jaw dropped. "Then what's the point of this whole stake-out? We could've been at a party or a club instead of stuck here. What were you thinking?"
Ann sounded legitimately angry. Leslie would just have to explain things better. "First, we haven't had any good girl-talk time lately, so I thought this would be a perfect chance to get some. Second, that kid is the devil incarnate, and he very well could slip out his bedroom window any second and be here to wreak havoc. I am not letting my guard down just because he's grounded."
Ann shook her head. "Fine. Whatever."
Leslie suddenly felt more than a little guilty about roping Ann into this. "Hey-at least the girl talk is fun, right?"
Ann's smile was a little strained, but she nodded. "Yeah. It is."
"So, it's your turn. Have you talked to Chris again since that weird apology he gave you?"
"Just once," replied Ann, "and he still seemed really off. I'm kind of worried about him."
They talked about Ann's ever-evolving Chris feelings for several more minutes when Leslie's phone rang.
It was Mrs. Pikitis. "Leslie here," she said, answering immediately.
Her eyes went wide, and then narrowed again as Mrs. Pikitis shared her news. The time had come for Leslie to prove herself. "Don't worry. I'll find him, and I'll stop him."
"I know you will," replied Mrs. Pikitis. "And don't hesitate to call the cops. I'm starting to think that a night in jail might be only way to scare him straight."
"Don't worry. I'll do what's necessary." Not that she would have hesitated for an instant to call the cops. But it still felt nice to have his mom's permission.
She turned off her phone and turned to Ann. "We have a code red, Ann. Pikitus has flown the coop."
"Seriously?"
Leslie nodded. "His mom said that she found an inflatable sex doll in his bed where he should have been, and no sign of Greg. She's not sure when he snuck out because the last time she saw him awake was about an hour ago. He could be out there right now!" She jabbed her finger toward the statue, and then scrambled to lean over her seat and dig through the sack of supplies sitting just behind her. After a moment she found what she was looking for.
"Time to break out the serious gear," she said, raising a metal tube to her eye and flipping the switch.
"What's that?" asked Ann.
"A night vision scope," replied Leslie. "Ron lent it to me just for this occasion." She scanned the park intently. The area around the statue was still clear, but she thought she could detect signs of movement on the edge of the park.
She watched as several figures drew closer, and clenched her jaw in determination. She might not be able to figure out her crazy love life, but at least she could stop her arch enemy from desecrating a beloved public monument. "It's him. And I think he's holding spray paint. Time to move."
First she hit the speed dial to the police station and reported the incident. Harriet, the dispatcher, was expecting her call, and agreed to send a patrol car over right away. But Leslie knew they wouldn't make it in time to stop Pikitis from busting out that spray paint.
"Suit up, Ann," she said, pulling the hood of her black hoodie jacket over her head and tying the draw strings under her chin. "Nothing stands between Pikitis and utter chaos other than us."
Leslie led Ann on a stealthy approach, circling around behind Pikitis and his pals. While the three laughing juvenile delinquents were distracted shaking up their spray paint, Leslie caught Ann's gaze and silently held up three fingers, wordlessly counting down.
As Leslie dropped her third finger, she and Ann sprang into action, dashing forward with vicious war cries. "Get him!"
Later, Leslie wasn't sure she could remember all the details of those chaotic moments. All she knew was that in midst of shouting and running she somehow ended up sitting on Pikitis' back while Ann tackled and pinned one of his henchmen nearby. The third goon must have made a clean break. But Leslie didn't care. She'd foiled her nemesis once again. Adrenaline coursed through her veins. She hadn't felt this elated since the first day of the Harvest Festival. Leslie cackled in triumph as she spotted police lights approaching. "Busted! I got you this time, Pikitis! Ha!"
"You're insane, Knope! Get off of me!" Pikitis struggled in vain. There was no way Leslie was giving up this prize.
A few minutes and considerable shouting of accusations later, the police hauled Pikitis and his compatriot away.
"We did it!" Ann cheered, offering Leslie a high five. "I kind of thought you were crazy, at first, but oh my god-that was such a rush."
"I know, right?" answered Leslie, still breathing hard from the exhilaration. It was as if everything was getting clear in her mind. Boyfriends came and went, but her town and her friends-they were what lasted. They were what mattered the most. "See, we don't need boyfriends to make ourselves feel good. We don't need boyfriends to kick serious ass and stop evil in its tracks. All we need is each other."
Ann laughed and pulled her in for a warm hug. "You're the best. You're totally the superhero of Pawnee. And this was awesome. But you know what else would be awesome? Going back to your place with the rest of that candy and getting a little drunk. Or a lot drunk. Yeah-a lot drunk."
Leslie laughed back. "You're on."
~ ~ ~
Ben made it back to Pawnee just before ten that night, but he didn't text Leslie about his "plane landing" until almost ten forty-five. If she thought he was back in Pawnee, she'd probably want to see him, and he wasn't ready. He didn't feel prepared to hand down a rejection yet-or (though he couldn't decide if this option was better or worse), have her hand down a rejection to him.
Chris greeted him at the door with a warm hug and a bowl of mini-boxes of raisins which he'd been handing out to trick-or-treaters. The bowl was still mostly full (word about the raisins must have spread fast).
Once Ben deposited his bags up in his room and returned to the living room, Chris confronted him with a serious expression on his face. It seemed there was no getting out of unpleasant conversations tonight, no matter how much Ben wanted too.
"So," said Chris, as they sat across from each other, "let's review the game plan. For the next three and a half weeks our primary focus will be on leaving final financial plans in place for all city departments."
Ben nodded. Chris was right about this, at least. He'd hate for Pawnee to slip back into its old disastrous spending habits after all the work he and Chris had done. "Yep. That's our number one." In some ways it was comforting. Numbers were the one thing he never screwed up.
"And our secondary goal," Chris continued, "should be to bring closure to our relationships here in Pawnee. It's time to start breaking ties and bidding farewell to all the wonderful people we've met here."
Ben squeezed his eyes shut. The last thing in the world he wanted to do was bring closure to his relationships in Pawnee. One relationship in particular. But, as he well knew, sometimes doing the right thing required sacrifice.
Damn it.
Why did he always have to be the good guy?
He tried to lose himself by popping in a disc from the Star Trek: The Next Generation complete series boxed set that he'd treated himself to while in Indy, but by midnight he still wasn't tired and felt as discontent and antsy as ever.
A quick scan of the fridge revealed that not only were they completely out of beer, but also that they had no food whatsoever other than lettuce, odd-shaped fruit, and soy milk. Blech.
Well, a trip to the grocery store was as good a way as any to distract him from his wallowing.
While he filled his cart with essentials at the store, his phone started chiming as a string of text messages came in. Puzzled as to who could be texting him so enthusiastically at this late hour, Ben pulled the phone out of his pocket.
"I took down my nemesis tonight," read the first text from Leslie.
Ben smiled and started to scroll through the other texts as a few more popped up.
"pikitis. remember that punk? tackled him in the act of vandalism"
"seriously tackled him"
"he whined like a baby"
"I am the dark knight of pawnee"
Ben started chuckling. Leslie had already told him the tales of Pikitis's history of Halloween mayhem. Sounded like this year he'd met his match. And it also sounded like Leslie'd had a little too much sugar-and maybe some alcohol to boot.
"ann was my sidekick," the texts continued.
"dont tell her i called her a sidekick"
"she did kick ass but i was clearly the leader"
"and we didnt need any men to save pawnee"
"NO MEN"
Those last two texts made Ben raise an eyebrow. What was she getting at? Was he about to get dumped via text? Not that she could really dump him-they weren't actually dating. God-why did he even care? He was already planning on telling her they couldn't be together.
But he did care. He cared too much.
He moved on to the next text as he rolled his cart toward the bakery section.
"the cops were men"
"i value the service of our local law enforcement"
He started smiling again. So no rejections. At least, not tonight.
"but they never could have foiled this crime without me," continued another text.
"just saying"
"i think im drunk"
"see you tomorrow"
Ben shook his head. Good lord, the things this woman did to him. His whole spirit felt lighter. He wasn't going to think about rejection anymore tonight. Just about how lucky he'd been to know her-even if just for a few months.
When he rolled his cart through the bakery section, his eyes riveted on a display of Halloween-themed treats. Sitting front and center was a tray of brownies decorated with icing in the shape of the Bat-signal.
Brownies and Batman-the perfect gift for the Dark Knight of Pawnee.
He picked up the tray and added it to his cart.
Ben didn't head home when he started driving. It was a bad idea. A terrible idea. But he couldn't stop staring at that tray of Bat-brownies sitting in the passenger seat next to him. And Leslie had texted him just ten minutes ago. She was probably still up.
Terrible idea or not, he headed straight for Leslie's house.
His heart leaped when he saw the lights still on. Even Leslie didn't sleep with the lights on. In fact, she didn't sleep much at all.
He pulled over and took a few deep breaths.
What was he doing? Showing up like this was the exact opposite of his plan.
He closed his eyes and gripped the steering wheel. I should turn around and drive home right now. That would be the smart thing to do.
But he didn't feel very smart at the moment.
With a burst of courage and stupid rebellion against his rotten lot in life, he turned off his engine and got out of the car. Just as he reached back in for the brownies, he noticed something that had escaped his attention during his inner debate-Ann's car was parked in the driveway.
Crap.
He couldn't go up to the door with Ann in there, having whatever kind of drunk girl-talk she and Leslie were caught up in.
With a shake of his head and a sigh, he slid back into his seat.
He drove home feeling both disappointed and relieved. What had he been expecting, anyway? One last night of passion before calling it off? What good would that have done for either of them?
No. They were better off this way.
Yet, his heart still ached.
~ ~ ~
Leslie left Ann asleep on the couch where they'd both crashed around two in the morning after coming down from their sugar-high and sharing a bottle and a half of wine. Though it was barely dawn, Leslie couldn't sleep any more. Instead, she started a pot of coffee and went upstairs to shower.
She felt emotionally drained. Last night everything had seemed so clear. Ann and her other friends were all she needed-why pursue an almost-certain-to-fail relationship with Ben when she had so many other sources of fulfillment in her life?
But now, with a headache stabbing between her eyes and the hot water washing away her stupor, her doubts came flooding back. So many things about Ben felt so very right. She hadn't been this compatible with a man in-well-a very long time. Maybe ever.
Yet it all came back to logistics. All the logistics would make it so damn hard.
Nothing about this felt fair.
Leslie tried to put it out of her mind and focus on all the work she still had ahead of her to re-launch the community education program. Now that the money from the success of the Harvest Festival had overflowed the Parks budget, they had more than enough to reinstate that program and more. She'd have a pretty full plate for the rest of the year and into the next. That's what she needed to think about. Not the man that was leaving Pawnee in three and a half weeks.
Sure, later today she'd have to find a way to return him to the "strictly friends" zone without hurting him in the process. Or hurting herself. Damn.
But she had more important concern. Much more important. At least, that's what she was determined to believe.
Ann didn't stir until Leslie was dressed and ready for the day and sipping on her third cup of coffee.
"God, what time is it?" Ann moaned.
"Seven forty-five. I was just getting ready to leave. But you can go back to sleep. You're working the swing shift today, remember?"
Ann nodded and rubbed her eyes. "Yeah. Thank god."
Leslie smiled at her friend. "Thanks again for last night. It really helped me get all that pent-up tension out of my system."
"Anytime," replied Ann with a sleepy smile. "Are you gonna be okay with all the Ben-stuff today?"
Leslie sighed and nodded. "Yeah. It won't be fun. But you're right. You're absolutely right. There's no way a long-distance relationship would work out, and I just need to accept that and move on."
"I know it sucks," replied Ann, "but it's totally better to get it over with now instead of dragging things out, like I did with Chris. I don't want to see you get hurt like that."
"Oh, Ann, you beautiful cuddly koala bear, thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm sure I'll be all right." With a best friend like Ann, how could she not be?
What Leslie hadn't counted on was the impact actually seeing him again would have on her. She walked up to the city management offices mid-morning to welcome him back, and when he saw her his face lit up with a smile that made her heart race.
He immediately stood up and walked over to greet her. She wasn't sure who hugged whom, but damn, it felt good to have his arms wrapped around her. Crap. This was going to be even harder than she'd expected, wasn't it?
They chatted for a few minutes in the easy way only good friends can chat about nothing in particular without feeling bored or uncomfortable. They could still have this, Leslie reminded herself. Keeping a long distance friendship was still possible. And it would be worth it-even if it meant occasional pangs of regret that they'd never been something more.
"Hey, do you want to grab some lunch in an hour or two?" she asked.
"Um-uh-I-I think I'm going to work through lunch, today," he said, his eyes dodging her gaze. "I've got a lot of catch up work to do. But-but-swing by later. We do need to talk."
Leslie nodded, feeling relieved that she could put off the inevitable a little longer. "Sure. See you later."
~ ~ ~
Ben swallowed hard when Leslie left his office.
He didn't want to go through with this. As much as he'd tried to talk himself into it, he couldn't make himself want to let go. Yes, it was selfish to cling to her like this. Selfish to want to drag her into his problems and make her a part of his life-his real life. But that's what he wanted.
Which was probably why it was the last thing he should do.
Damn it.
He managed to focus on his work for most of the rest of the day, but the weight of his decision sat on his shoulders, growing heavier by the hour.
Leslie stopped by again just before five, and the sight of her smile immediately made him feel lighter.
He made small talk about her new Parks projects for a few minutes, trying to avoid getting to the subject that must be on her mind as much as it was on his. Fortunately, he had one more delay tactic. "Hey-I got you something."
Her eyebrows rose. "Really?"
He walked over to the file cabinets at the side of his desk and pulled a flat box off the top, turning to display the contents to Leslie. "It's some Bat-brownies!" he said with exaggerated enthusiasm. "I was at the store when I got your texts last night, and I saw these and thought that the hero of Pawnee deserved a little reward."
Her smile wavered a little, and, even more surprising, moisture welled in her eyes. "Oh, they're perfect." Her voice quivered a little.
Was she actually getting emotional over brownies? That wasn't the reaction he'd been hoping for.
"And they're from Anderson's Market," she said. "They make really good brownies at Anderson's." Her voice still shook a little.
"Um-Leslie, are you okay?"
"Fine. Fine. I just-I just remembered I have a meeting I have to get to."
"At ten 'til five?"
"Yes." She nodded. "It's a very big, important meeting. And I'm going to be late. So-uh-thanks for the brownies." She took the box from his hands. "They're great. Thank you. But I've got to run."
Before she could scurry out of the room, he said, "Wait-uh-can we get together later? For dinner or something?"
She froze and took a few breaths before answering. "I can't. Tonight. I've got a thing. With Ann. But-uh-how about lunch tomorrow?"
He sighed. Great. One more night of torture before he could get this over with. "Yeah. Lunch tomorrow sounds great."
"Okay. See you then." With that, she escaped into the hall.
~ ~ ~
Leslie made it to the hospital by 5:21, which was something of a record for her, considering she got in her car at 5:09.
"Ann!" she called out when she spotted her friend down the hall.
Ann scrunched up her forehead and put on a sympathetic smile as Leslie approached her. "Hey," said Ann. "So, was the rejection hard? Did he not take it very well?"
Ugh. "I couldn't go through with it," Leslie confessed. "He looked so cute, and so happy to see me, and he bought me Batman brownies. I just couldn't do it."
Ann turned down the corners of her mouth. "Leslie-I thought you agreed that any relationship was doomed and it was best to stop things in their tracks right now, before you got in any deeper. How does cuteness or brownies change that?
"They were Batman brownies, Ann," replied Leslie. Honestly, sometimes Ann didn't catch onto the important details.
"It doesn't matter what kind of brownies they were," said Ann, shaking her head. "He's still leaving, isn't he?"
Crap. It always came down to this, didn't it? "Yes."
"And you're staying right here in Pawnee."
Leslie sighed. "Yes."
Ann held her hands out in front of her. "Then that's all there is to it."
Leslie leaned back against the reception counter. This discussion kept going in the same circle over and over and over again. She nodded glumly.
Ann leaned next to her. "Hey-you know I'm only trying to help, right? I just don't want you getting caught up in something that won't ever go anywhere, like I did with Chris. I don't want to see you get hurt."
"I know. But it already hurts. Every time I think about him moving away, my whole chest gets tight and my head starts aching and everything sucks." Leslie tipped her head to rest it on Ann's shoulder. "I really, really care about him, and I don't want him to leave. But it's not like I can ask him to stay for me-he really needs the job, especially now that he's helping to pay for his mom's home-healthcare. And I certainly can't go with him. My life is here."
"Have you really been thinking about asking Ben to stay?"
"I guess I have been," replied Leslie. She'd kept it to herself because it was so selfish and immature. It's not like Ben owed her any kind of loyalty. Not after the crazy up and down not-quite-more-than-friendship they'd had. "I know, it's silly."
"No," Ann shook her head. "It's not silly. Not if that's how you really feel. I guess I never realized before now how serious you are about him."
Leslie lifted her head and stood up straight. She needed to start acting like a grown-up. "I shouldn't be. We've known each other for less than six months, and for almost half that time we were fighting. It's ridiculous. I'm acting like a love-sick teenager."
"Leslie, love can be ridiculous sometimes. I mean, I let Andy move in with me after dating for less than two months, and we were together for almost three years after that. Sometimes things can happen really fast, whether we want it or plan it or not."
Leslie pondered Ann's words. There was no way she would have wanted or planned to fall for one of the men brought in to tear apart her city's budget. But she had. She'd fallen hard, and she couldn't deny it.
"Look," Ann rested her hand on Leslie's shoulder, "I'm sorry I've been pressuring you to stay out of a relationship with Ben. I guess I was thinking more about what happened with me and Chris, and I was projecting it onto you. Like I expected Ben to hurt you the way Chris hurt me. But Ben isn't Chris."
Leslie shook her head. "No, he isn't."
"So maybe you should tell him how you feel. Take a chance and put it all on the line. Maybe you'll find out he feels the same way, and maybe that means the long-distance thing actually has a shot at working. I don't want to you miss out on something that's potentially great just because I told you not to."
Butterflies danced in Leslie's stomach, and her heart raced. Could she really do it? Could she really take a leap of faith like this?
Ann held her gaze. "Well?"
What the hell. Go big or go home, right? Just like she'd told Andy. Time to see if she could walk the talk. She nodded resolutely. "Okay. I'm gonna do it. We have a lunch date tomorrow. And I'll put it all out there, and see what happens."
"Yay!" Ann grinned. "I know you can do it. I'm rooting for you. And if he hurts you, I'll beat him senseless with a baseball bat."
Leslie hugged her friend. "Aww, you're the best friend ever."
"I know."
~ ~ ~
As Ben strode toward the Parks Department to meet Leslie for their lunch date, he felt like a man heading for his own execution.
He had to let her go. He had to let her get on with her life. She didn't deserve to be dragged into his problems.
He'd been repeating that mantra to himself since yesterday evening when he gave her the brownies. He wasn't sure if it had helped.
The radiant smile she gave him when she saw him didn't help any, either.
They kept things simple and bought some sandwiches at the commissary and took them to the little park neighboring city hall to eat. He was glad it was warm enough for it-he didn't want to do this in a restaurant where they'd feel trapped, or in the courtyard where they'd feel exposed to the gaze of all their friends and colleagues.
They sat on a bench angled to look at a small fountain, and Leslie asked him about his mom again. He was so sick of spinning elaborations around those particular lies that he turned the conversation away as quickly as possible by asking for more details on her Halloween night exploits. It was fun to listen to her wax poetic about the paramount evil of Greg Pikitis, and to not-so-humbly recount her own role in taking him down. Ben wished he could've been there to see it.
After they finished their sandwiches, Ben took a deep breath to brace himself for what he had to do. "So, I think we need to talk about-well-us. And the future."
"Yes. I agree." Leslie nodded.
"Um, okay, can I go first?" He really couldn't get through this if he had to listen to Leslie's side of things first. It didn't matter whether she planned on rejecting him-or something else. Neither option would make this any more palatable. Neither would make him feel any better.
No. It was better to take control of this himself, and just get through it.
"Yes-yeah. Sure. Go ahead." She looked nervous. Damn it.
Ben looked down at his hands clenched together in his lap. He couldn’t bring himself to meet her eyes right now. "So, I've been doing a lot of thinking about us. And about that night."
"Yeah. Me too."
Lord. He had to be strong. He had to get through this.
"I-I guess what I've been thinking is that I like you. A lot."
"I like you a lot, too." She had that radiant smile on her face again.
Crap. Don't look at her. Don't look at her. "But," he said, a little too loudly, "my life is in a really crazy place right now. The move and my panic issues were bad enough, but now with all this stuff with my mom. . . I-I-I just don't feel like I have it in me to be in a relationship right now."
There. He'd said it.
Leslie's shoulders slumped, and her head drooped a little.
Shit. This was why he wasn't supposed to look at her. "I'm-I'm sorry."
"No. It's okay. I understand. Really, I do. I kind of expected this, actually." She didn't sound like she'd expected it. Her voice shook a little as she spoke. "I mean, you have so much on your plate right now. So . . ."
"I do. I do," he muttered, feeling like an asshole. Again. He had to do something. To say something. "I don't want you to think this has anything to do with you. You're great. Amazing. You're one of the best people I've ever known. Really. I just-I care about you too much to pull you into a relationship that I can't fully commit to. That wouldn't be fair to you. You deserve better than that." He shook his head. Crap. Now his own voice was getting rough with emotion. Get it together, man. "You deserve so much more than I can give you right now. And I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry."
Leslie looked off at the fountain. He couldn't tell what she was thinking, but she didn't look happy. From the glint of moisture in her eyes, he was pretty sure she hadn't planned on rejecting him, today.
He kind of hated himself right now.
She took a deep breath, and then looked over at him. "Well, first, I think you underestimate yourself. But second, I understand. I really do. You've been through a lot this year, and it's not over yet. I completely understand if you need more time before you feel ready to be in a relationship."
He could tell she was being brave-that she was struggling to put on a positive face. That made it hurt even worse.
He looked back down at his hands. "Thank you. I appreciate that."
They sat in silence for a few minutes, listening to the rush of passing cars, the babble of the fountain, and the quiet in and out of each other's emotion-laden breath.
What more was there to say?
"Well, this is a little awkward," Leslie said, with just a hint of a smile on her face.
And just like that, things felt a little better. Not a lot. But just enough to make it bearable.
"I don't want to be awkward," she continued. "I mean, we're still friends, right?"
"Yes. Of course." He didn't want to think about the long silence that would come when he left Pawnee. She was going to hate him for that. But she didn't hate him, yet. That was something he could hold onto for just a little longer. "I-I still want that. If you do?" He finally met her eyes again.
She smiled at him. And his heart raced.
"I do," she said.
He nodded. "Then we are."
"Good."
They didn't talk much as they walked back to city hall, but things didn't feel quite as bad as he'd expected. At least, not until they parted ways outside his office and he watched her walking away.
In less than a month he might lose her forever. And he'd just passed up his best chance to tell her how much she really meant to him.
Ben headed into Chris's office.
Chris looked at him with raised eyebrows. "Did you . . .?"
Ben nodded. "I did. It's done." He leaned against the doorframe, feeling hollow inside. "I think I might need to get drunk tonight."
Chris stood and walked over to him to pat him firmly on the shoulder. "I understand. And I will gladly accompany you to be your shoulder to cry on. And your designated driver."
Ben managed to crack a smile. "Thanks. I think I'll need both."
~ ~ ~
Leslie held it together until she found an empty bathroom. She locked herself into the biggest stall.
So much for taking a leap of faith. She hadn't gotten a single word out before Ben dropped his bomb. Now she never would.
She took a shuddering breath as the tears finally started to roll down her cheeks. Crap, crap, crap. Everything hurt.
Her shoulders shook as she fought through a few quiet sobs. She leaned against the wall of the stall and put her face in her hands. She should have known better than to let herself get so caught up in this. She had known better. She just hadn't stopped herself.
She let the tears flow for a few minutes to get the worst out of her system. She still had to get through an afternoon of work. God, she didn't want to go back to work today.
After a few minutes she pulled her phone out of her purse and hit speed dial number one.
Ann answered on the second ring. "Hey, how'd your lunch go?"
"Not good," Leslie replied.
"Do I need to get out my baseball bat?"
"No," Leslie smiled. "It wasn't that bad. Just-not what I'd hoped for."
"I'm so sorry, Leslie. What can I do?"
Leslie swallowed hard. "Do you think we could go out and get really drunk tonight?"
"Absolutely."
~ ~ ~
Sitting in a dark booth in the back of the Snakehole Lounge, Ben could hardly believe he'd been terrified of this place the first time he'd come here. Now, it felt comforting to be able to fade into the background of moving bodies and loud music and flashing lights, and just feel invisible for a night.
Well, not entirely invisible. They'd had to move tables three times to find a place isolated enough that women wouldn't hit on Chris. But Ben thought they'd finally managed it.
He hadn't felt like sharing the details of his depressing lunch with Leslie until after he'd had four beers. Sometime part-way through his fifth, he started talking and couldn't seem to stop.
"She looked so sad and disappointed," he said as Chris nodded sympathetically. "And I'm the jerk who did that to her. I suck."
"You don't suck, Ben. You're simply stuck between a rock and a hard place, trying to do the best that you can." Chris's customary positivity didn't do much to change Ben's mood.
"You know the worst part?" Ben said as he started in on his sixth beer, "The worst part is that she thinks we're going to stay in touch when I leave. She's thinks we'll be email pals, and that we'll talk on the phone and stuff. God, when she tries calling me and gets a disconnected number she's going to hate me. I'm just gonna be another name on her list of crappy guys who treated her like shit. Ugh." He closed his eyes and hung his head. The thought that Leslie would think badly of him after he left filled him with a ball of festering despair.
"Someday, once this is all over," said Chris, "she'll learn the truth. And she'll forgive you. Leslie isn't the type of person to hold a grudge. Not when you're acting out of a noble purpose."
Ben shook his head. "I don't just want her forgiveness someday. I want her to know why I can't talk to her. I want her understand that it's not her fault and that I'm not a jerk. I want to know that she's out there, rooting for me. That's not too much to want, is it?"
Chris looked solemn for a moment. "Well-you could write her a letter."
Ben's eyes went wide and he sat up straight. "Oh my god. I could write her a letter. I could explain everything."
"Yes," said Chris softly. "You could send it the day we leave. By then it'll be too late to do any harm."
"And then she'll know." Ben clutched his bottle tightly. This was it. This was the answer he'd been looking for. "She'll understand why I have to go away. Why we can't be together. I can tell her everything." It wasn't perfect, but it was all he had, so he'd make the most of it.
He met Chris's eyes. "I just want her to think well of me. I don't want to go away without her thinking well of me. You know?" His heart ached again to talk about leaving, but at least now he had some hope.
"Yes. I understand completely. If I could go back in time and explain things to Kelsey, I'd do it in a heartbeat."
Ben stared at his beer, his mind swirling. It had taken him a long time to understand Chris's lingering struggle over his relationship with Kelsey. But now-now he understood. "Chris," he said, "remember how you kept warning me not to get too attached to Leslie because you thought I was falling in love with her? And I kept blowing you off?"
"I remember." Chris nodded.
Ben took a deep breath, and the ache in his chest swelled as he spoke. "I need to apologize. Because you were right. You were right."
As much as it hurt, it still helped to say it out loud. To finally confess the truth.
Chris wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close. "It'll be all right, buddy. Eventually, someday, we'll both be all right."
~ ~ ~
Leslie and Ann sat at a table near the bar when they got to the Snakehole so that they'd get their drinks faster.
Leslie got things started with a few shots before switching to beer. She didn't feel like wasting any time when it came to drinking away her pain.
"I get it. I totally get it," Leslie rambled to Ann several drinks in. "His life is a mess and he doesn't think he can commit to a relationship right now. It makes sense. But it sucks."
"It really does," Ann agree, sipping her margarita.
"It suuuucks," Leslie repeated. "I almost wish I could be mad at him. Because that would be easier-I could get mad, and get it out of my system. But Ben seemed almost as sad as I am. For a minute there I thought he was gonna cry. God! Why does everything have to suck so bad?"
"It's horrible. And terrible. And it sucks. And you can complain to me about how much it sucks every day for the next six months," said Ann. "But tonight you need to get the worst of it out so you can move on. Don't let this slow you down. You have too much going for you right now."
"You're right!" Leslie jabbed her pointer finger in the air again. "I do. I have sooo much going for me."
"Damn right."
Ann always knew exactly what to say. Leslie didn't know what she'd do without Ann.
They drank for a while longer, joking and playing quarters. Eventually, Leslie got hungry. "I'm gonna go get some peanuts. And maybe some mozzarella sticks. You stay here and watch our drinks."
After leaving her order for mozzarella sticks at the bar, Leslie paid a visit to the ladies' room. When she stepped out of the restroom her eyes met a very unexpected sight, and she froze. It was Ben. "Oh my god."
His jaw dropped and he stammered soundlessly for a moment. "I-hi."
"I'm here with Ann. We weren't talking about you," said Leslie, her heart racing.
"I-I-I'm here-uh-with Chris." Ben looked flushed. A moment later he added, "We were talking about you."
Leslie blinked nervously, feeling a little sick. "You were?"
He nodded. "Yeah. All night."
Crap on a cockroach. This was not what she needed to hear right now. "Well, stop it."
Ben frowned. "You want me to stop?"
"Yes!" God, she was too tipsy for this. Ugh. "I really wanted to be with you. And it sucks. And it'll suck even worse if I know you're out there still thinking about me and talking about me. I can't deal with that right now. So just stop it, okay?"
Ben stared at her with a puzzled expression for a few moments before softly murmuring, "Okay."
But he still didn't move. And he just kept staring at her. What was his problem?
Leslie was about to throw her hands up in frustration when Ben lunged forward and kissed her.
She gasped in shock as his arm circled her waist and his other hand slid through her hair but then his lips were on hers, warm and inviting and eager, and oh boy. She felt herself melting into him, and let the tingling sensations soar through her body.
She ran her hands up his back, pulling him closer, and opened her mouth to tease his lips with her tongue. God, it felt good.
He'd changed his mind. He'd changed his mind, and now everything would be fine.
After a few moments Ben slowly pulled back from her, and looked down at her, still breathing hard. She watched as his face morphed from happiness to confusion to something absolutely not happy.
No. No no no no no. Not again. Please.
"Ben?"
He shook his head and stepped back. "I'm sorry. That was stupid. I-I-I wasn't thinking. I need to go now."
"No-wait-" Leslie held up a hand to stop him but he kept backing away.
"I'm sorry. Really sorry. Just-you and Ann stay here. I'm leaving." And he walked away.
The pain in Leslie's chest swelled back up and she felt tears pricking her eyes. Damn it! At least this time she could be angry.
She stormed back to her table and slumped onto the bench seat next to Ann.
"What's wrong?" Ann scrunched her forehead.
"Ben was here. And he was a big stupid jerk face." Leslie's voice caught in throat, but she fought back her tears. She'd cried enough for one day. "I think maybe it's time for your baseball bat."
~ ~ ~
Thankfully, Chris didn't question Ben when he made it back to their table and announced that they had to leave because Leslie was there. Instead he simply drove them home, and let Ben sit in silence.
The next morning Ben woke up with a pounding headache, a sour mouth, and a chest full of regret.
Right when he'd finally found a solution to his problem, he'd gone and screwed things up again.
It was just his luck that Leslie had turned up right when he was drunk and emotional and needy. And to hear her say how much she'd wanted to be with him-it had been too much for his stupid addled brain.
How would he ever be able to apologize for this?
Ben did his best to avoid everyone but Chris for the first few hours of work. He needed to build up his fortitude before trying to face her down. But he knew he'd have to face her eventually, if he ever wanted a chance at leaving Pawnee with any traces of positive feelings still in her mind. He still wanted to write her that letter. And he wanted her to start reading it with good thoughts of him rather than bad.
Damn it.
Finally, just before lunch, he screwed up his courage and made his way down to the Parks Department to face her.
Based on the cordial greetings he got from the rest of the gang, it seemed that at least she hadn't started bad-mouthing him yet. That was something.
Fortunately, Leslie was alone in her office. Tom must have already left for an early lunch. Ben forced a smile and knocked lightly on her doorframe before stepping inside. "Hi."
"Hi," she said, folding her arms and glaring at him coldly.
He sighed. Well, he'd expected as much. "I came to apologize. For what happened last night."
She squeezed her lips tight and said nothing.
Great. "Uh, I'd had a little too much to drink, and, uh, my brain wasn't working too well, and I acted on impulse instead of rationality. But, I know I hurt you. And that was really crappy of me. And I'm sorry."
"You should be. And you'll be even sorrier once Ann finishes bashing in your headlights with a baseball bat."
"She what?" Ben's eyebrows shot up.
Leslie unfolded her arms and sighed. "Actually she probably won't do that, because she doesn't want to get arrested. But she did give it very serious thought."
"And I don't blame her," he replied. "I deserve it. I was-a huge jerk, last night. And I'd completely understand if you don't want to have anything more to do with me."
Leslie looked away from him and shook her head. "I don't know what I want anymore."
Ben nodded quietly. He wasn't going to push her on this one.
Finally, she said, "I think I need a little space for a few days. I need to process all this. I've done stupid things when I'm drunk, too. We all have. But it still really hurts right now, and I need a little time to figure out if I can still be friends with you. Because right now I just don't know."
It hurt, but Ben understood. "Okay. That's fair. I get it. I'll just, uh, give you some space for the rest of the week. And if you ever feel like talking to me again, you can talk to me."
The conversation left him with a glimmer of hope, but not enough to ease the ache in his heart.
The rest of the week he threw himself into his work, trying to drown out his emotions with numbers and facts. He might have messed things up with Leslie, but he could still help Pawnee. The reports he and Chris were preparing laid out a roadmap for the future of the city. A two-year plan to steer them on the course of continued financial solvency, and to provide the best possible services for their citizens.
It could be his parting gift back to the city that had given him so much when he needed it the most.
And at night, when he couldn't sleep, he started writing his letter to Leslie.
He'd made up his mind. Whether she forgave him or not, he was sending this to her when he left.
~ ~ ~
Leslie changed her mind about Ben nearly every hour over those next few days.
Sometimes she'd decide that what he'd done was no worse than half a dozen things she'd done while inebriated. Or on a sugar high. Or sleep deprived. And she'd be headed down the corridor to the stairs up to his office before stopping and reminding herself not to be too hasty.
Sometimes she'd be convinced that cutting him out of her life completely would be the healthiest option for both of them. And then she'd feel like crying and binge on ice cream.
Nothing made sense.
She wanted Ben in her life, but not if their friendship was constantly tinged with this unbearable sexual tension. It was just too stressful.
However, she couldn’t fathom a way for their friendship to not be tinged with sexual tension. It was pretty clear that both of them had feelings that far exceeded friendship, and there was no turning back from that.
Yet the thought of giving up and walking away left a raw ache in her chest. She knew she could do it-but did she really want to?
By the middle of the day Friday, she'd made up her mind. There was only one real solution to this dilemma. It was the very solution she should have spoken up for on Tuesday, instead of quietly letting Ben call all the shots.
She'd tell him she wanted to be with him. A real relationship. No matter how hard it would be, or how messed up his life was, she was still ready to give it a try. At this point it was all or nothing. She didn't think she could live with halfway. Not anymore.
A little after lunch she texted him to ask if he could come to meeting room five, to talk to her in private.
It was do or die time.
~ ~ ~
Ben's gut churned as he walked to the meeting room. He wanted to believe that he could handle whatever she planned on saying to him, but the truth was, he was terrified.
Ben had been in love before. A couple of times. Both times it had fallen apart for stupid reasons, and he'd eventually managed to bounce back.
But this was different. Leslie was different. And he was different.
He wasn't sure if he could handle this.
Her smile was strained when he stepped into the meeting room and closed the door behind him. "Hi," she said softly.
"Hi," he said back, slipping into a seat across the meeting table from her. "So-you want to talk?"
She nodded. "Yes. I've given our situation a lot of thought over the past few days, and I think I've figured out what I want. It seems to me that both of us have feelings for each other. Feelings that sometimes override our common sense. I mean, it's not just me, right?" She didn't sound nervous until that final question.
"No. It's not just you. I do have feelings for you." It felt like such a relief to finally say those words to her face. "Strong feelings. But I've been-I've been afraid to act on them. Because I feel like I'm not in the position to be the kind of boyfriend you deserve."
"Maybe you need to stop making those decisions for me, and let me make them for myself," replied Leslie, a determined glint in her eyes. "I know you're pretty screwed up right now, with the panic disorder, and the stress of getting this consulting business started with Chris, and the move, and now your mom. I get how hard things are for you right now. I do. But I also think that finding someone you really connect with is a rare and special thing, and we'll both regret it for a long time if we don't at least give this a chance."
Ben could hardly breathe. He'd expected, at best, a return to her offer of continued friendship. But this? This was something he was completely unprepared for. "I-I don't know what to say."
"You could start by saying you're ready to stop making unilateral decisions for the both of us. You could say that if I'm willing to put up with your messy life, then you'll be willing to try to make room in it for me. That would be a pretty good place to start." She smiled at him, the hope shining clearly in her eyes.
Oh shit. How the hell was he supposed to respond to this? It was everything he wanted, but nothing he could give. "But I can't."
She froze, the shock and pain registering instantly in her eyes.
No. That's not what he meant to do. Ben shot to his feet. "That's not what I meant. I mean, it is what I meant, but not in the way you think I meant it."
"I don't understand."
He ran his fingers through his hair, struggling to find the words. "I mean I want to. I really, really want to be with you. But I literally can't do it."
"Why not?" Leslie stood up, spreading her arms in disbelief. "You said you aren't married, and you don't have a kid somewhere, and you're not a murderer or a con man or a fugitive, or anything, are you?"
Ben started pacing. Crap, crap, crap.
"Are you?" she implored.
"Damn it. I can't take this anymore."
"Take what anymore?" She sounded ready to scream.
He felt ready to scream.
Ben faced her and rested his hands on the table, leaning toward her. "Everson Pharmaceuticals."
She furrowed her brow. "What? That court case you're following? Why are you bringing that up now?"
"Because it's not just a court case. I used to work there. Chris and I both worked there. Together." His heart felt ready to pound out of his chest.
"I don't understand."
"Look it up," he said, his voice raw in his throat. "Get on your computer and look it up on Google. With the trial a month away, I'm sure there's plenty of articles out there. Read everything you find. And you'll see why I can't be with you. You'll see why I can't just say to hell with the Atlanta job. Because I'm not really going there for a job. I'm going there for that trial."
Her breath shook, and she stared him with wide eyes. "What are you saying? What do you mean you're going there for the trial?"
Ben took a deep breath. "We're witnesses. Chris and I. We're both witnesses."
He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment before meeting her gaze again. She looked so lost and hurt and confused, and there was nothing he could do to make it better. Nothing but this. "I've told you so many lies. Too many to count. And it's been killing me. I can't do it anymore. So this is the truth. Everson Pharmaceuticals. Look it up. Read everything you can find. And if you never want to see me again, I'll understand. I probably wouldn't want to see me again if I was you." He swallowed. "But if you have any questions-anything you want to talk about, or ask me, or tell me-just call, and I'll come. I'll tell you everything you want to know. All you have to do is ask. I'm not going anywhere. Not yet."
"Ben-" She still looked stunned. "This is for real. This isn't a joke?"
He shook his head. "This is as real as it gets. Look it up. Read it. I'll be here."
He turned and stepped out the door, his breath coming in short gasps, his hands shaking.
Everything had changed. There was no going back.
TBC
Part 15