Flight 109 - Destination: First Love [Chapter 13]
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I personally think this one is full of angst. Happy reading :) I've also listed some of my favorite fics over here, if you are interested.
The story is inspired by yeppie. As usual, comments, inputs and criticisms are highly appreciated. And if you haven't read the previous chapters you can always refer to the master post.
The airplane icon marks the present time. 30-31 August 2013.
The cloud icon marks the past. Around the year of 2006.
「CHAPTER 13: THE MUSHY MUSHY COUPLE'S DIARY」
That morning, in a glance, is not so different with any other mornings Matsumoto Jun has woken up to in 23 years of his life. No, it is not so different. The sun still rises from the east and Jun will not wake up until the scorching morning light pushes its way in into his closed eyelids. He still looks like a star, a natural idol, even in his sleeping gears, puffy eyes, no make up and before he even brushes his teeth.
It happens again this particular morning. He wakes up raw and moody in his sweatpants and T-shirt, reluctant in letting the lights into his eyes. Until he finally remembers, he immediately sits up. And there's where the similarities end between that particular morning to the other ordinary mornings of Matsumoto Jun's.
First of all, he doesn't wake up in his homey apartment. He wakes up in a condo he has rented until this coming weekend. Even though he has been waking up here for seven mornings already, he is still not used to it.
Second of all, the first seven mornings, he never complains. Because a bright smile and a sweet 'ohayou' will greet him first thing first, and he will welcome the scorching morning light happily into his eyes.
Third of all, instead of her, which he seems to already expect, judging from the dark aura that clouds his morning eyes, there he only finds a purple leather journal lying on where she should have been.
His eyes are tired and red, the kind of red that you can expect if you cry yourself to sleep. His lips are tight and grim, the kind of grim that doesn't agree with the reality in front of him.
At first, Jun doesn't want to touch the purple journal. He just stares at it as if it is a bomb that's about to go off if it is touched. He keeps his distance to the journal and gets up on his two feet. He makes his coffee and walks his way outside to smell some fresh air. It is not until the third sip of the pitch black coffee when he realizes that his hands are shaking.
He figures that maybe a warm bath will fix it up for him.
He is proven wrong. Because after he did that, when his hands are still shaking, he finally realizes that his heart is broken.
But the realization just makes him twitch the corners of his mouth into a smirk. As if he has already expect it so. As if he welcomes the pain. He throws his stare again to the purple journal as if it is the culprit for making him feel this heavy.
He storms to the bed again and pick up the journal roughly. With the same manner, he opens the first page.
There it reads in her handwriting Jun immediately recognizes:
「The Mushy-Mushy Couple's Diary of Hanazono Minako and Matsumoto Jun」
It immediately softens up his hardened chest. Jun sadly smiles at the title and mutters to himself, "That baka.."
He then takes a comfortable seating position by the bed and opens the next page. Shattering his heart more into pieces with every word that's read, with every memory it brings. Because that's when he realize that it is all that's left between him and Minako. Memories written in some supposedly mushy mushy couple's diary. Years from now, it even wouldn't be some piece of valuable literature that other people would appreciate.
But It is still the most endearing piece of writing he ever read.
---
ENTRY #1
Dear Diary,
Konnichiwa! Hanazono Minako desu! And you are my very first diary!
Okay, I must have came out like a hyperactive middle schooler, but hey, it is supposed to be a mushy mushy couple's diary. And I've never had a diary. Not even as a middle schooler. I've always thought writing your personal thoughts in a book gets the point of 'personal' out of it, right?
But then I saw you, Diary, just this morning when I was on my way to Jun's apartment. Yes, Matsumoto Jun. The Idol, I know, I know. He's mine and mine only! So hands off!
The truth is, he isn't just an idol to me. He is a considerate dorky guy who happens to have a very very bright star aura and a very very handsome face. You'll get what I mean if you ever sit side by side with him during dinner and he envies your choice from the menu, but instead of ordering the same thing that you have, he'll pick on your food. Until you have no choice besides basically trading your food with him altogether! Then he'll burst out laughing when you finally succumb to his wishes! Okay, so he is kinda mean at times as well, but it is part of the package.
But he'll pamper you. He'll wrap those arms around you if ever you feel the world isn't being fair. Like that one time when I failed that audition for a drama. He won't say things that he thinks you will like to hear or try to reason out your failure so that it will make more sense to you. No, he'll just embrace you and let you snuggle to his chest so he can kiss you hair. Even when you haven't wash your hair for 2 whole days, he will say that your hair smells nice. "Strawberries," he'll say. And then you'll get your belief back that the world is a beautiful place after all..
Okay, so now I am pimping him to you, Diary. Actually this is one of my ways to get him to agree on writing entries on you as well. I know he'll laugh at me. Calling this cheesy. He'll say that he has no time in doing this. He'll say that it is nonsense. He'll refuse and he'll argue, and boy, that guy surely knows how to argue!
And, if he sees you, I bet he cannot resist. I cannot resist when I see you. Purple and leather looks so awfully well, right? And then I remember a good friend of mine in Vancouver. Her name is Mary and she keeps this journal with her boyfriend. They share their dreams, fights and mushy mushy stuff right there. And one time she had a big fight with him they almost broke up, the boyfriend just gave back their diary and after she read like 5 pages, they made up right after! I made a promise that day, that I'll keep a couple's diary if I find a boyfriend who's truly worth it to be cheesy with. And I think Jun's worth it.
You'll agree with me, Diary. When he finally agrees and let me win that argument, like he always does *wink*, you'll see, Diary. You'll see what I am talking about. You'll see the man I have fallen in love with.
♥ Minako
---
ENTRY #2
Dear Diary,
Fine, fine, I chickened out. It is hard to admit that you have a cheesy side. Especially after he made fun of that couple we saw on the street wearing the same T-shirt. Whereas I think they look super cute in them. Even though, I'd rather die than being caught doing something like that. Being cheesy at times when you're alone with your guy with announcing to the world that you are a cheesy couple are two totally different things, you know?
Not that I wouldn't do it if he ever asked.
But then again, I don't think we'll be able to ever do that. I can't even hold his hands in public. Can't even walk side by side in public. Especially after what happened yesterday when that fangirl ALMOST get a good picture of the two of us.
Can't even admit that we're a couple. Let alone announcing that we are a cheesy one.
Which would you choose? A cheesy couple who has all the freedom? Or a cool couple who has to hide?
But it's him. I'll hide for him over and over again.
Then again, I don't think he should ever read this. He'll feel guilty for not being able to give me the normal boyfriend stuff. And, really, I don't need it. As long as I have him. As long as he keeps loving me like this.
Oh, we did get to do some cheesy things, though. He rented me a recording studio earlier today and I recorded my cover for Kanade from Sukima Switch for.. our ringtone! Yes! We have the same cellphone ringtone!
Is that cheesy enough for you, Diary?
"I wish I could sing like you," he said. I told him that I love his voice and he just scoffs. He said that only a total biased fan would ever like his singing voice. But then I love him, so that would make me even at a higher grade than a total biased fan, right? So I asked him to record a ringtone for me as well with his voice, but he said I should just buy Arashi CDs with a smug!
♥ Minako
PS: Having a personal diary isn't that bad, is it? I get to ramble about my thoughts all the way without needing to hold anything back. And THAT is golden, really.
---
ENTRY #3
Dear Diary,
How do you lay low in a relationship? Really? How do you do that?
Gah, I miss him!
I failed another audition AGAIN!
*inhales, exhales*
But I'll see him tonight. Have I told you how I miss him? Yet, I have a very good feeling that we will fight most of the time tonight. I am so in the mood to argue!
Evil Minako
---
ENTRY #4
Dear Diary,
I was wrong. I think I should cross over everything I wrote this afternoon.
We didn't fight. No. And it felt great.
You know what he did?
The moment I opened my door, he wrapped those arms around me again as if he would never let me go. He let me sit on his lap for hours as he rocked me to sleep and we didn't even utter any words. I don't need words, we don't need words. All that I need is those arms.
I bet those arms can melt the iceberg that drowned Titanic.
Seriously. I'll bet everything that I have.
Have you ever heard how a Capricorn and a Virgo is very compatible with each other? I don't really believe in horoscopes, always thought that it is a bunch of bullshits, but I really want to believe it right now.
He often says that he doesn't get me. But can he make me feel this way if he really doesn't?
♥ Minako
PS: I told you this diary would be mushy, right? Okay, so I failed. It's a good concept, though.
---
ENTRY #5
Dear Diary,
It's been a while since the last time I wrote you, Diary.
And it's been.. Actually I have no idea how it has been. Completely speechless and believe me it takes a lot for me to be speechless. My mom once said that I was an early talker when I was a toddler and I would repeat every word that everyone is saying around me, regardless in what language. As my mom speaks English whilst my dad speaks Japanese, sometimes I mix them up pretty well as well since a very young age. But it doesn't matter much though, it still makes some sense, especially after their divorce.
But I will not share my childhood stories. Sometimes remembering stuff about my mom gives me painful headache along with a whole day long bad mood. So I am glad I moved here with my dad and Kenji. Or else I wouldn't be meeting Jun.
And we wouldn't fall in love. We wouldn't create this mess that his agency believes is going to do damage to his career. Which I don't really get. How does an idol actually have to be publicly known as single to maintain popularity? I mean Tom Cruise is publicly known to be married to Nicole Kidman for years and it just boosted their popularity more. Even up to the point of getting an internationally acclaimed legendary film director to make a film with the both of them. I mean, come on, Stanley Kubrick wouldn't ever make a film with Tom Cruise if it wasn't for his marriage persona with Kidman.
Okay so they are no longer together, but do you see my point, Diary?
This reminds me about something that Kenji has said before. That I am still not able to think like how a Japanese should. I argued that I am as much as half Japanese as he is, but he said that Mom has been rubbing on me. But Mom is actually Chinese with a very Western mind and attitude. So what would that make me then? Can people have a universal mind that you don't have to be entirely labeled into something. Like, "Oh yes, that's very Japanese of you." Or, "That's soooo Chinese!"
Even though some meant well, but I still don't get it. Not to mention that it is kinda racist.
This is from a girl who has a Japanese name but can never hold her chopsticks right. Oh, and I can't eat anything that's uncooked. Or still alive! I don't get that part as well.
But Jun doesn't mind. He even told me once that part me is what makes me unique, one of the reasons of why he fell in love with me in the first place. That part of me is very well out there, even to the point that perhaps, that part of me, doesn't belong here. Doesn't belong in Japan. That I was meant to be traveling around the globe, flying freely without attachments of being labeled into something. But then, he would miss me. He would come along, wherever I go.
He also mentioned quietly once; that part of me is coming through very well through cameras. He said this when he saw me on TV hosting a children's program. And it got me thinking, could it be that part of me that failed to impress the Gods and Goddesses of Japan entertainment industry?
Then just yesterday, when I came home from recording, I found him already in my apartment. You what he did? He packed for me. Yes. He packed. He reminded me of what he said that day. That I should fly freely without attachments around the globe. And that he would go with me. Waking up beside me each and every day. He would be the first person that I see each morning and the last one to see before bedtime.
Those were his exact words. And without any hesitation or need of any explanations, I followed him here. No regrets. Not even when he finally told me his reasons (after World War X broke loose) and what he has left back in Tokyo. It rendered me speechless. I never thought that he would actually do that. For me. To be with me.
And now here we are. Closing the door to the outside world in a small comfortable condo by the beach. Drowning ourselves in pure bliss of cheesy love and devotion. 'Don't leave me,' he whispered it to me after a long steamy session of making love. He wrap my body so close to him as if that warmth is all that he needs to continue on living.
And I was happy. And I promised him that I never will.
I asked him, 'Are you happy?'
He answered, 'Very.'
And then he fell asleep. While I can't. So I turned on the TV.
There it was. An episode of G no Arashi and I thought it would entertain me. I have always loved their variety shows. Especially this one.
I've always laughed myself silly watching it. I've always forgotten all my troubles when I am watching it. I've always thought that the government should give them Humanitarian medals or something for doing these kinds of shows, you know? What they did must be lowering the rates of suicides in Japan.
But this time it is different. When I saw him amongst them, wearing those nipple T-shirts over some silly board game with badly spelled English words, I can't stop the tears any longer.
He was happy too with them, right? He belongs there. Right there. With them. Glimmering together as stars shining from above. Giving the world happiness with their silly rainbow-colored laughs and loves.
Not here. Beside me, a failed star wannabe, in a no star condo with a hard bed and no bathtub, drowning himself in a sad forbidden love story only both of us can truly understand.
Right?
Oh man, I need some alcohol.
Heartbroken Minako
---
ENTRY #6
Dear Diary,
Tell me, Diary, does loving someone always hurt like this?
After 3 days of World War XI, XII and XIII, we finally decided. This would be the last entry from me.
I am sorry if you are short-lived. I am sorry that I can't bring you along with me to take on that journey. But I think I don't have the heart to ever read you again. So I decided to leave you with him. As if I am leaving my heart, to always be with him.
He was angry, Diary. Boy, was he angry. He doesn't want to accept it. Does he think that I want to? Does he think that this is easy for me too?
But we can't shut ourselves from the world like this. No. I won't let him pay that price for me. He belongs there. They love him. They love him so much that they even understand why he is doing this. They let him do it. For him. For us.
And he does love them too. It started when Aozora Pedal was playing in our rented car and we sing along with it softly. I've said it to him that it is by far one of my favorites of Arashi songs. He agreed. He passionately told me about the stories behind the scene of making that single. And his eyes were shining brightly as he did that. Boy, how I love that shine. It was one of the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place.
I asked him, "Was Arashi also happiness for you?"
He shrugged. But I know what he truly answered in silence.
Well, one heartbroken girl for the price of five boys lowering the rates of suicide in Japan is not such a bad price, is it, Jun-kun?
He refused to sleep within these three days. He knew that I would be leaving him the moment he shut his eyes. Especially after I gave him that Romeo and Juliet argument. He snickered at it and I softened.
Then we made love for the very last time. Heartbreaking wouldn't suffice to describe it. I was weeping. He did too. It is as if he knew we no longer can't fight it. As if admitting defeat. And the moment he woke up, I wouldn't be beside him any longer. I know that he knew that. I know that in way, he did let me go. It was an unspoken understanding. It was telepathy between our hearts.
And he whispered to me the last time as he drifted off to slumber, 'Please, stay.. Stay.'
You know I can't do that, right, Jun-kun?
I wrote this just before I go. I wanted to write how much I loved him. I wanted to write on how much my life would be so meaningless without him in it. It is supposed to be a mushy mushy couple's diary, is it? With only half of the couple writing them and the other doesn't even know its existence until the very end.
But I can't. The word love is too simple to ever describe how I feel about you, Jun-kun. How you meant to me. I wish, I wish I didn't love you this much. Perhaps then, I wouldn't need to part with you.
So this is the end of my first mushy mushy couple's diary.
Remember Mary? The friend who inspired me about the mushy mushy couple's diary? She told me a very cliche yet true saying once.
'If you love something, you have to set it free. If it comes back, then it's yours. If it does not, then it is never yours to begin with.'
It's funny how Mary gets the love of her life back with the same kind of diary, whilst I let go of mine with one.
With only 6 entries altogether.
6 entries I'll never ever forget. You'll always be in my heart.
Minako
PS: I am sorry that I didn't stay.
Matsumoto Jun finally pulls away from the lips he thinks he will never ever taste again in this life. He doesn't want to pull away, but he knows that he has to breathe at one point or the other.
The plane is still floating in the sky. The both of them are still floating in the magic of that kiss.
"We shouldn't do this," he hears her softly. "It's wrong."
Her voice is shaking. And so are her hands that he tightly wraps inside of his. He kisses those hands as well, savoring the taste he knows he has missed badly. That he needed badly.
"Jun.." Minako's voice is wavering again, almost pleading. "No.."
But despite the resistance in her voice, her hands are weak and so are her knees. In his arms there's no other way that she can do but surrender.
Jun looks at her straight in the eyes. "Why?"
"You.. You are marrying your girlfriend.."
It is almost as if he doesn't hear her reason, "Why did you leave me?"
And there Minako sees tears glisten in his eyes, threatening to come out soon.
His throaty voice complements it, "Why didn't you stay?"
It is now her turn to wrap her arms around his body. His body feels cold. She pulls him closer. She doesn't know until this day how hard it is to see someone that she truly loves about to break down in tears.
"You know, I didn't cry that day.. I didn't cry that day when you left," He whispers to her hair, "I didn't cry a single tear. I can't you know? I hate you so much for leaving me. I.. I was angry. I was so disappointed. I have.. I have sacrificed everything for you but you just left me there to rot with my regrets."
"Jun, I am sorry.."
He stays there in her arms, pouring out words he has been holding back for years in a hoarse voice.
"You know what's worse than that? What's worse is that I have to continue on living. My heart was shattered into pieces but I had to go on living.. To go take back everything that I've said and done and put a bright smile in front of everybody.. Pretend that everything is okay. Pretend that my heart was not broken.. I should get an award for that, you know? I should have. It is the best acting job I've ever done."
He finally returns her hug, clutching to her.
Warmth seeps in. She misses this. She misses this so much.
She lets them stay that way for a moment of silence.
"But you've moved on, Jun.."
"Have I?"
"You love her, right?"
"I do.. But it's not the same.. She's.."
"It doesn't have to be the same. Remember what you wrote in that diary? The 7th entry?"
"That mushy-mushy diary?"
"That diary you sent back after I sent you that letter. Remember what you wrote?"
"No.."
"Liar. I still remember it. You only wrote two sentences in total. And it wasn't even original."
"It was taken from Aozora Pedal.."
They said it together simultaneously, "Surely all those colors can't return back to white. But that's fine, let's paint tomorrow with a new color.."
Jun sadly smiles at that, bringing his forehead to touch hers. "I let you go with those sentences.. I said my goodbye.."
"Next time when you are quoting somebody else, please credit, okay?" She tries to joke.
Jun scoffs and pulls her into an embrace once more.
"Can we stay like this?" He pleads weakly. "At least until we finally land.."
She nods as she snuggles to his chest and smells his scent. It is exactly still the same scent that he had 7 years ago.
And Jun pulls her closer, tighter. Hoping that they could stay forever that way. Thinking that maybe it is better if the plane just crash down to Earth.
They only have a few hours left before the plane finally takes them back to reality.
They only have a few hours before they have to say goodbye to each other.
They only have a few hours before their hearts will be broken.
Again.
She braces herself to ask in a low voice, "Do you still love me?"
"Stupid question," is his answer. "I've never stopped loving you."
And a single tear successfully rolls down his cheek.
Continue to Chapter 14
The story is inspired by yeppie. As usual, comments, inputs and criticisms are highly appreciated. And if you haven't read the previous chapters you can always refer to the master post.
The airplane icon marks the present time. 30-31 August 2013.
The cloud icon marks the past. Around the year of 2006.
「CHAPTER 13: THE MUSHY MUSHY COUPLE'S DIARY」
That morning, in a glance, is not so different with any other mornings Matsumoto Jun has woken up to in 23 years of his life. No, it is not so different. The sun still rises from the east and Jun will not wake up until the scorching morning light pushes its way in into his closed eyelids. He still looks like a star, a natural idol, even in his sleeping gears, puffy eyes, no make up and before he even brushes his teeth.
It happens again this particular morning. He wakes up raw and moody in his sweatpants and T-shirt, reluctant in letting the lights into his eyes. Until he finally remembers, he immediately sits up. And there's where the similarities end between that particular morning to the other ordinary mornings of Matsumoto Jun's.
First of all, he doesn't wake up in his homey apartment. He wakes up in a condo he has rented until this coming weekend. Even though he has been waking up here for seven mornings already, he is still not used to it.
Second of all, the first seven mornings, he never complains. Because a bright smile and a sweet 'ohayou' will greet him first thing first, and he will welcome the scorching morning light happily into his eyes.
Third of all, instead of her, which he seems to already expect, judging from the dark aura that clouds his morning eyes, there he only finds a purple leather journal lying on where she should have been.
His eyes are tired and red, the kind of red that you can expect if you cry yourself to sleep. His lips are tight and grim, the kind of grim that doesn't agree with the reality in front of him.
At first, Jun doesn't want to touch the purple journal. He just stares at it as if it is a bomb that's about to go off if it is touched. He keeps his distance to the journal and gets up on his two feet. He makes his coffee and walks his way outside to smell some fresh air. It is not until the third sip of the pitch black coffee when he realizes that his hands are shaking.
He figures that maybe a warm bath will fix it up for him.
He is proven wrong. Because after he did that, when his hands are still shaking, he finally realizes that his heart is broken.
But the realization just makes him twitch the corners of his mouth into a smirk. As if he has already expect it so. As if he welcomes the pain. He throws his stare again to the purple journal as if it is the culprit for making him feel this heavy.
He storms to the bed again and pick up the journal roughly. With the same manner, he opens the first page.
There it reads in her handwriting Jun immediately recognizes:
「The Mushy-Mushy Couple's Diary of Hanazono Minako and Matsumoto Jun」
It immediately softens up his hardened chest. Jun sadly smiles at the title and mutters to himself, "That baka.."
He then takes a comfortable seating position by the bed and opens the next page. Shattering his heart more into pieces with every word that's read, with every memory it brings. Because that's when he realize that it is all that's left between him and Minako. Memories written in some supposedly mushy mushy couple's diary. Years from now, it even wouldn't be some piece of valuable literature that other people would appreciate.
But It is still the most endearing piece of writing he ever read.
---
ENTRY #1
Dear Diary,
Konnichiwa! Hanazono Minako desu! And you are my very first diary!
Okay, I must have came out like a hyperactive middle schooler, but hey, it is supposed to be a mushy mushy couple's diary. And I've never had a diary. Not even as a middle schooler. I've always thought writing your personal thoughts in a book gets the point of 'personal' out of it, right?
But then I saw you, Diary, just this morning when I was on my way to Jun's apartment. Yes, Matsumoto Jun. The Idol, I know, I know. He's mine and mine only! So hands off!
The truth is, he isn't just an idol to me. He is a considerate dorky guy who happens to have a very very bright star aura and a very very handsome face. You'll get what I mean if you ever sit side by side with him during dinner and he envies your choice from the menu, but instead of ordering the same thing that you have, he'll pick on your food. Until you have no choice besides basically trading your food with him altogether! Then he'll burst out laughing when you finally succumb to his wishes! Okay, so he is kinda mean at times as well, but it is part of the package.
But he'll pamper you. He'll wrap those arms around you if ever you feel the world isn't being fair. Like that one time when I failed that audition for a drama. He won't say things that he thinks you will like to hear or try to reason out your failure so that it will make more sense to you. No, he'll just embrace you and let you snuggle to his chest so he can kiss you hair. Even when you haven't wash your hair for 2 whole days, he will say that your hair smells nice. "Strawberries," he'll say. And then you'll get your belief back that the world is a beautiful place after all..
Okay, so now I am pimping him to you, Diary. Actually this is one of my ways to get him to agree on writing entries on you as well. I know he'll laugh at me. Calling this cheesy. He'll say that he has no time in doing this. He'll say that it is nonsense. He'll refuse and he'll argue, and boy, that guy surely knows how to argue!
And, if he sees you, I bet he cannot resist. I cannot resist when I see you. Purple and leather looks so awfully well, right? And then I remember a good friend of mine in Vancouver. Her name is Mary and she keeps this journal with her boyfriend. They share their dreams, fights and mushy mushy stuff right there. And one time she had a big fight with him they almost broke up, the boyfriend just gave back their diary and after she read like 5 pages, they made up right after! I made a promise that day, that I'll keep a couple's diary if I find a boyfriend who's truly worth it to be cheesy with. And I think Jun's worth it.
You'll agree with me, Diary. When he finally agrees and let me win that argument, like he always does *wink*, you'll see, Diary. You'll see what I am talking about. You'll see the man I have fallen in love with.
♥ Minako
---
ENTRY #2
Dear Diary,
Fine, fine, I chickened out. It is hard to admit that you have a cheesy side. Especially after he made fun of that couple we saw on the street wearing the same T-shirt. Whereas I think they look super cute in them. Even though, I'd rather die than being caught doing something like that. Being cheesy at times when you're alone with your guy with announcing to the world that you are a cheesy couple are two totally different things, you know?
Not that I wouldn't do it if he ever asked.
But then again, I don't think we'll be able to ever do that. I can't even hold his hands in public. Can't even walk side by side in public. Especially after what happened yesterday when that fangirl ALMOST get a good picture of the two of us.
Can't even admit that we're a couple. Let alone announcing that we are a cheesy one.
Which would you choose? A cheesy couple who has all the freedom? Or a cool couple who has to hide?
But it's him. I'll hide for him over and over again.
Then again, I don't think he should ever read this. He'll feel guilty for not being able to give me the normal boyfriend stuff. And, really, I don't need it. As long as I have him. As long as he keeps loving me like this.
Oh, we did get to do some cheesy things, though. He rented me a recording studio earlier today and I recorded my cover for Kanade from Sukima Switch for.. our ringtone! Yes! We have the same cellphone ringtone!
Is that cheesy enough for you, Diary?
"I wish I could sing like you," he said. I told him that I love his voice and he just scoffs. He said that only a total biased fan would ever like his singing voice. But then I love him, so that would make me even at a higher grade than a total biased fan, right? So I asked him to record a ringtone for me as well with his voice, but he said I should just buy Arashi CDs with a smug!
♥ Minako
PS: Having a personal diary isn't that bad, is it? I get to ramble about my thoughts all the way without needing to hold anything back. And THAT is golden, really.
---
ENTRY #3
Dear Diary,
How do you lay low in a relationship? Really? How do you do that?
Gah, I miss him!
I failed another audition AGAIN!
*inhales, exhales*
But I'll see him tonight. Have I told you how I miss him? Yet, I have a very good feeling that we will fight most of the time tonight. I am so in the mood to argue!
Evil Minako
---
ENTRY #4
Dear Diary,
I was wrong. I think I should cross over everything I wrote this afternoon.
We didn't fight. No. And it felt great.
You know what he did?
The moment I opened my door, he wrapped those arms around me again as if he would never let me go. He let me sit on his lap for hours as he rocked me to sleep and we didn't even utter any words. I don't need words, we don't need words. All that I need is those arms.
I bet those arms can melt the iceberg that drowned Titanic.
Seriously. I'll bet everything that I have.
Have you ever heard how a Capricorn and a Virgo is very compatible with each other? I don't really believe in horoscopes, always thought that it is a bunch of bullshits, but I really want to believe it right now.
He often says that he doesn't get me. But can he make me feel this way if he really doesn't?
♥ Minako
PS: I told you this diary would be mushy, right? Okay, so I failed. It's a good concept, though.
---
ENTRY #5
Dear Diary,
It's been a while since the last time I wrote you, Diary.
And it's been.. Actually I have no idea how it has been. Completely speechless and believe me it takes a lot for me to be speechless. My mom once said that I was an early talker when I was a toddler and I would repeat every word that everyone is saying around me, regardless in what language. As my mom speaks English whilst my dad speaks Japanese, sometimes I mix them up pretty well as well since a very young age. But it doesn't matter much though, it still makes some sense, especially after their divorce.
But I will not share my childhood stories. Sometimes remembering stuff about my mom gives me painful headache along with a whole day long bad mood. So I am glad I moved here with my dad and Kenji. Or else I wouldn't be meeting Jun.
And we wouldn't fall in love. We wouldn't create this mess that his agency believes is going to do damage to his career. Which I don't really get. How does an idol actually have to be publicly known as single to maintain popularity? I mean Tom Cruise is publicly known to be married to Nicole Kidman for years and it just boosted their popularity more. Even up to the point of getting an internationally acclaimed legendary film director to make a film with the both of them. I mean, come on, Stanley Kubrick wouldn't ever make a film with Tom Cruise if it wasn't for his marriage persona with Kidman.
Okay so they are no longer together, but do you see my point, Diary?
This reminds me about something that Kenji has said before. That I am still not able to think like how a Japanese should. I argued that I am as much as half Japanese as he is, but he said that Mom has been rubbing on me. But Mom is actually Chinese with a very Western mind and attitude. So what would that make me then? Can people have a universal mind that you don't have to be entirely labeled into something. Like, "Oh yes, that's very Japanese of you." Or, "That's soooo Chinese!"
Even though some meant well, but I still don't get it. Not to mention that it is kinda racist.
This is from a girl who has a Japanese name but can never hold her chopsticks right. Oh, and I can't eat anything that's uncooked. Or still alive! I don't get that part as well.
But Jun doesn't mind. He even told me once that part me is what makes me unique, one of the reasons of why he fell in love with me in the first place. That part of me is very well out there, even to the point that perhaps, that part of me, doesn't belong here. Doesn't belong in Japan. That I was meant to be traveling around the globe, flying freely without attachments of being labeled into something. But then, he would miss me. He would come along, wherever I go.
He also mentioned quietly once; that part of me is coming through very well through cameras. He said this when he saw me on TV hosting a children's program. And it got me thinking, could it be that part of me that failed to impress the Gods and Goddesses of Japan entertainment industry?
Then just yesterday, when I came home from recording, I found him already in my apartment. You what he did? He packed for me. Yes. He packed. He reminded me of what he said that day. That I should fly freely without attachments around the globe. And that he would go with me. Waking up beside me each and every day. He would be the first person that I see each morning and the last one to see before bedtime.
Those were his exact words. And without any hesitation or need of any explanations, I followed him here. No regrets. Not even when he finally told me his reasons (after World War X broke loose) and what he has left back in Tokyo. It rendered me speechless. I never thought that he would actually do that. For me. To be with me.
And now here we are. Closing the door to the outside world in a small comfortable condo by the beach. Drowning ourselves in pure bliss of cheesy love and devotion. 'Don't leave me,' he whispered it to me after a long steamy session of making love. He wrap my body so close to him as if that warmth is all that he needs to continue on living.
And I was happy. And I promised him that I never will.
I asked him, 'Are you happy?'
He answered, 'Very.'
And then he fell asleep. While I can't. So I turned on the TV.
There it was. An episode of G no Arashi and I thought it would entertain me. I have always loved their variety shows. Especially this one.
I've always laughed myself silly watching it. I've always forgotten all my troubles when I am watching it. I've always thought that the government should give them Humanitarian medals or something for doing these kinds of shows, you know? What they did must be lowering the rates of suicides in Japan.
But this time it is different. When I saw him amongst them, wearing those nipple T-shirts over some silly board game with badly spelled English words, I can't stop the tears any longer.
He was happy too with them, right? He belongs there. Right there. With them. Glimmering together as stars shining from above. Giving the world happiness with their silly rainbow-colored laughs and loves.
Not here. Beside me, a failed star wannabe, in a no star condo with a hard bed and no bathtub, drowning himself in a sad forbidden love story only both of us can truly understand.
Right?
Oh man, I need some alcohol.
Heartbroken Minako
---
ENTRY #6
Dear Diary,
Tell me, Diary, does loving someone always hurt like this?
After 3 days of World War XI, XII and XIII, we finally decided. This would be the last entry from me.
I am sorry if you are short-lived. I am sorry that I can't bring you along with me to take on that journey. But I think I don't have the heart to ever read you again. So I decided to leave you with him. As if I am leaving my heart, to always be with him.
He was angry, Diary. Boy, was he angry. He doesn't want to accept it. Does he think that I want to? Does he think that this is easy for me too?
But we can't shut ourselves from the world like this. No. I won't let him pay that price for me. He belongs there. They love him. They love him so much that they even understand why he is doing this. They let him do it. For him. For us.
And he does love them too. It started when Aozora Pedal was playing in our rented car and we sing along with it softly. I've said it to him that it is by far one of my favorites of Arashi songs. He agreed. He passionately told me about the stories behind the scene of making that single. And his eyes were shining brightly as he did that. Boy, how I love that shine. It was one of the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place.
I asked him, "Was Arashi also happiness for you?"
He shrugged. But I know what he truly answered in silence.
Well, one heartbroken girl for the price of five boys lowering the rates of suicide in Japan is not such a bad price, is it, Jun-kun?
He refused to sleep within these three days. He knew that I would be leaving him the moment he shut his eyes. Especially after I gave him that Romeo and Juliet argument. He snickered at it and I softened.
Then we made love for the very last time. Heartbreaking wouldn't suffice to describe it. I was weeping. He did too. It is as if he knew we no longer can't fight it. As if admitting defeat. And the moment he woke up, I wouldn't be beside him any longer. I know that he knew that. I know that in way, he did let me go. It was an unspoken understanding. It was telepathy between our hearts.
And he whispered to me the last time as he drifted off to slumber, 'Please, stay.. Stay.'
You know I can't do that, right, Jun-kun?
I wrote this just before I go. I wanted to write how much I loved him. I wanted to write on how much my life would be so meaningless without him in it. It is supposed to be a mushy mushy couple's diary, is it? With only half of the couple writing them and the other doesn't even know its existence until the very end.
But I can't. The word love is too simple to ever describe how I feel about you, Jun-kun. How you meant to me. I wish, I wish I didn't love you this much. Perhaps then, I wouldn't need to part with you.
So this is the end of my first mushy mushy couple's diary.
Remember Mary? The friend who inspired me about the mushy mushy couple's diary? She told me a very cliche yet true saying once.
'If you love something, you have to set it free. If it comes back, then it's yours. If it does not, then it is never yours to begin with.'
It's funny how Mary gets the love of her life back with the same kind of diary, whilst I let go of mine with one.
With only 6 entries altogether.
6 entries I'll never ever forget. You'll always be in my heart.
Minako
PS: I am sorry that I didn't stay.
Matsumoto Jun finally pulls away from the lips he thinks he will never ever taste again in this life. He doesn't want to pull away, but he knows that he has to breathe at one point or the other.
The plane is still floating in the sky. The both of them are still floating in the magic of that kiss.
"We shouldn't do this," he hears her softly. "It's wrong."
Her voice is shaking. And so are her hands that he tightly wraps inside of his. He kisses those hands as well, savoring the taste he knows he has missed badly. That he needed badly.
"Jun.." Minako's voice is wavering again, almost pleading. "No.."
But despite the resistance in her voice, her hands are weak and so are her knees. In his arms there's no other way that she can do but surrender.
Jun looks at her straight in the eyes. "Why?"
"You.. You are marrying your girlfriend.."
It is almost as if he doesn't hear her reason, "Why did you leave me?"
And there Minako sees tears glisten in his eyes, threatening to come out soon.
His throaty voice complements it, "Why didn't you stay?"
It is now her turn to wrap her arms around his body. His body feels cold. She pulls him closer. She doesn't know until this day how hard it is to see someone that she truly loves about to break down in tears.
"You know, I didn't cry that day.. I didn't cry that day when you left," He whispers to her hair, "I didn't cry a single tear. I can't you know? I hate you so much for leaving me. I.. I was angry. I was so disappointed. I have.. I have sacrificed everything for you but you just left me there to rot with my regrets."
"Jun, I am sorry.."
He stays there in her arms, pouring out words he has been holding back for years in a hoarse voice.
"You know what's worse than that? What's worse is that I have to continue on living. My heart was shattered into pieces but I had to go on living.. To go take back everything that I've said and done and put a bright smile in front of everybody.. Pretend that everything is okay. Pretend that my heart was not broken.. I should get an award for that, you know? I should have. It is the best acting job I've ever done."
He finally returns her hug, clutching to her.
Warmth seeps in. She misses this. She misses this so much.
She lets them stay that way for a moment of silence.
"But you've moved on, Jun.."
"Have I?"
"You love her, right?"
"I do.. But it's not the same.. She's.."
"It doesn't have to be the same. Remember what you wrote in that diary? The 7th entry?"
"That mushy-mushy diary?"
"That diary you sent back after I sent you that letter. Remember what you wrote?"
"No.."
"Liar. I still remember it. You only wrote two sentences in total. And it wasn't even original."
"It was taken from Aozora Pedal.."
They said it together simultaneously, "Surely all those colors can't return back to white. But that's fine, let's paint tomorrow with a new color.."
Jun sadly smiles at that, bringing his forehead to touch hers. "I let you go with those sentences.. I said my goodbye.."
"Next time when you are quoting somebody else, please credit, okay?" She tries to joke.
Jun scoffs and pulls her into an embrace once more.
"Can we stay like this?" He pleads weakly. "At least until we finally land.."
She nods as she snuggles to his chest and smells his scent. It is exactly still the same scent that he had 7 years ago.
And Jun pulls her closer, tighter. Hoping that they could stay forever that way. Thinking that maybe it is better if the plane just crash down to Earth.
They only have a few hours left before the plane finally takes them back to reality.
They only have a few hours before they have to say goodbye to each other.
They only have a few hours before their hearts will be broken.
Again.
She braces herself to ask in a low voice, "Do you still love me?"
"Stupid question," is his answer. "I've never stopped loving you."
And a single tear successfully rolls down his cheek.
Continue to Chapter 14