Love: The Package Deal, Part 3

[jjtaylor]

Part 1
Part 2


Frank waits until he hears Lyn-Z close her bedroom door and then sneaks outside and calls Brian. It’s cold out, and he feels guilty for sneaking around when he could probably just tell Lyn-Z what he’s doing, like it matters if she knows who he’s calling.

"I...don't even know why I'm calling," Frank says when Brian answers.

"Ok," Brian says evenly. "Just tell me the first thing that comes to your mind.”

"I kissed Lyn-Z."

"Ok," Brian says without hesitating, and Frank thinks, thank god for Brian Schechter, seriously. "Give me a little context."

“We were fighting about Gerard.”

“Ok,” Brian says with a sigh. “I’m taking it this is going to be one of those conversations where you give me the shortest, vaguest answers possible.” Frank starts to protest and Brian says, “No, no, it’s ok, I can work with that. Just - what kind of kiss was it?”

“What the fuck kind of question is that?” Frank says, because, really, does Schechter really think he’s going to answer that?

“Oh, fuck you, I could have asked you to compare it to the last time you kissed Gerard, so suck it. Let’s try again. Is this the first time you and Lyn-Z have kissed?”

“No.”

Brian sighs again, and Frank knows he should have said more, but if could say more, he probably wouldn’t have to call Schechter at all. “Have you only kissed since Gerard has had amnesia?”

“Yes,” Frank says.

There’s a pause before Brian says, “Was the kiss about Gerard?”

Frank is about to say no, but then he realizes Schechter is right. “Pretty much.”

“Ok,” Schechter says. “You’re good then.”

“I’m what?”

“What do you want me to say? Do you want me to get mad at you? Do you want me to threaten to tell Gerard, or Jamia, or Bob or Ray? Do you want me to suggest they throw you out of the band because you kissed someone’s wife?”

“No, it’s just - ” Frank sighs. “It’s just so fucked up.”

“Yeah, it is,” Brian says. “So figure it out, Frankie,” and then, in a less harsh tone, “I’m hanging up now, but call me if you figure out what I can do for you.”

Frank goes back inside, in to the spare bedroom to check on Gerard, who flips him off. Lyn-Z’s bedroom door is closed. Frank feels horribly alone. He wants to call Jamia, but he doesn’t even know what he’d say, and he’s afraid his voice will give something away. They’re supposed to go to Mikey and Alicia’s for dinner again in a few hours, and she’s supposed to come over and meet them anyway, and Frank sits down on the floor in his bedroom, presses his hands to his eyes, and waits it out. Eventually, he hears a soft knock on his door. It’s Jamia.

“I heard there was a miserable man hiding out in the guest room up here,” she says. “But all I found was you. Is this the right room?”

“When did you get here?” Frank asks, hugging Jamia and brushing her hair away from her face.

“Just a few minutes ago,” she says. “I rang the bell, but no one answered. And all the doors up here are closed. Did you all have a fight?”

Frank tells her the abbreviated version, and thinks about telling her how he’s now kissed Lyn-Z twice, but Jamia’s only been here for a few minutes and he’s not sure if he just wants to tell her so he’ll feel less guilty. He’s not sure he could answer any of the questions she’d be bound to have for him.

Lyn-Z knocks at the door a few minutes later, and Frank notices how she speaks directly to Jamia, doesn’t make eye contact with Frank at all. “Are you ready? You don’t have to come,” she says, leaning halfway into the door.

Jamia meets Lyn-Z at the door, and says, “No, it’s fine, let’s go.”

“Gerard’s already in the car,” Lyn-Z says, still not looking at Frank. In the car, Gerard isn’t looking at either of them, but to Frank’s surprise, Gerard manages to hold a politely chatty conversation with just Jamia for most of the ride.

When they get there, Gerard disappears upstairs and doesn’t come back down. Alicia is making enchiladas, and she's complaining about how Mikey's such a damn picky eater, it's actually easy for her because she only needs to know how to cook three things, and Mikey's got instant food mastered. Frank likes the way Mikey and Alicia play domestic, too, he likes the way Alicia pretends to be the housewife and Mikey pretends to be the hard-working husband. It's funny, because everyone knows it's not true. It's also funny because Alicia is not actually the one making the enchiladas - Mikey is mixing the beans and laying out the corn tortillas and Alicia is artfully covering everything with shredded cheese. Mikey even turns on the oven and Alicia lights a cigarette, sits down at the table next to Frank.

Frank really likes Mikey and Alicia's house, and he spends a lot of time trying to figure out what he likes about it that is missing from Gerard and Lyn-Z's house, but he just gets stuck at the idea that Mikey deserves a house like this. Frank trusts Alicia, and he knows that Mikey and Alicia aren't playing house, they're living here, they have animals and they painted the walls colors they like and this is where they live. It feels like their house, not anyone else's.

Frank realizes his problem with Gerard’s new house is that he's thinking of it as Lyn-Z's new house, and no matter how much he tries, he can't think of it as Gerard and Lyn-Z's house - it's still Lyn-Z's house which Gerard has moved into. It doesn't make sense for Gerard to inhabit an entire house. Gerard belongs in small, cramped spaces, crowded with his things, art pencils and notebooks and comic books with guitar picks as page markers and unwashed hoodies that smell like sweat and cigarettes and get used as pillows almost as often as real pillows. The new house is just so open. It's not a basement apartment, it's not a tour bus, it's not the armchair in Mikey and Alicia's living room that Gerard moved into last summer. It's a three bedroom place, with stairs. There's not a single thing about it that feels right to Frank. It's very nice, sunny and clean and comfortable, but it's not Gerard, and Frank feels like it's his duty to stay around and remind Gerard that this isn't who he was.

Frank worries Gerard won't ever get his memory back and he'll become the kind of guy who lives in a house with beige walls and tough, sturdy carpet and more of Frank's heart will break, because everything he feared when he woke up to Gerard getting married, when he took pictures of it on his cell phone, will have come true, and he'll have lost Gerard, lost being a part of his life. Worse, he'll have lost the understanding of who Gerard is, because Frank doesn't know any part of Gerard that would be happy in this house without giving up a part of himself.

Alicia laughs as Mikey puts the casserole dish in the oven and sets the timer. "Seriously, all this cooking takes it out of me." She sets her cigarette down on the ashtray and kisses Mikey on the forehead as he leans over. Jamia gets up from the table and offers to help get out the dishes.

"I'm gonna go see what trouble your brother's gotten into," Frank says. He catches Jamia’s hand and squeezes her fingers before sliding out of his chair and out the kitchen door.

"If he's alphabetizing anything, tell him I'll never forgive him," Mikey says, and Frank hears Alicia smack Mikey's thigh and say, "No one believes you when you try and blame that on other people. I don't know why you can't just accept you're anal."

Gerard is sitting on the floor of Mikey and Alicia's bedroom, one leg tucked under the other, a sketch pad on his lap. He's bent forward, his hair falling in his face, and it's terrible posture and Frank knows his back is going to ache later but he stands there watching Gerard for a minute, because he's so focused, Frank doesn't want to disturb him. He knows if he stands there long enough, Gerard will finally notice and look up. Frank's done this a hundred times. He knows it's better than startling Gerard, it's better to let him notice you himself, it's easier for him to transition away from being inside his head to being outside.

"What are you drawing, Gee?" Frank says, after Gerard puts down his pencil, looks at the sketch pad, and then looks up and beams at Frank, and Jesus, that is going to give Frank a heart attack, the welcome sight, all of Gerard's attention on him like that, especially after how ridiculous he was being earlier.

Gerard stands up, and Frank's right, his back's bothering him, but he gets up, stretches, and hands Frank the sketchpad. It's the band as The Black Parade, details from the stage shows and the photo shoots and Gerard's imagination all mixed up in five comic-book-style figures of the band.

It's Gerard's drawing of himself that Frank focuses on - not the older, blonde buzz-cut leader of the Black Parade, not the just-into-his-thirties jean-jacket wearing Gerard he looks like now, but the long-haired, dirty, miss-matched hoodie-and-pants, younger and stringy-haired Gerard, who looks completely out of place with the rest of them.

Frank's about to say something but Gerard turns and looks away, and Frank hands the sketch pad back to him and says, "What the fuck are you doing hanging out in your brother's bedroom?"

"It's familiar," Gerard says. "I mean, not all the girl stuff that belongs to Alicia, but his clothes and the poster and....." Gerard gestures at the messy bedroom. It's true, it does look like Mikey, recognizable immediately.

Gerard pushes at Frank and then leaves his hand there, warm on Frank's shoulder. "I don't have a headache," Gerard says, quietly and looks up at Frank.

'That's good," Frank says, and he can't tell what the fuck Gerard is talking about.

"I don't have a headache. It's almost dinnertime and I haven't had a headache all day. For two days, not since….."

And that's when Frank catches on. "You're not hung over, you mean," Frank says, and there's a little edge to his voice that he can't help. There's no good in using a euphemism. Gerard's headaches weren't headaches, they were hangovers, all of them, and Gerard would go from one hangover to another. "This is what being sober is like," Frank says, and this time he's trying to sound kind, because Gerard doesn't really know what being sober is like. "This is what it's like," Frank says, and then he's got his arms full of Gerard, who's half-hugging him, half pushing him up against the doorframe.

“What happened earlier,” Gerard says, exhaling into the material of Frank’s shirt, so Frank can feel Gerard’s warm breath on his shoulder. “That was different.”

“Yeah,” Frank says, and hugs Gerard a little tighter.

“I mean, it was different for you. For us, now.”

Frank holds his breath for a minute and then says, “Gerard, it’s just - “

“I may not remember, Frankie, but I can pay attention.”

Frank nods. “I know you can.”

“So, we don’t do any of that anymore, now. You and I don’t - “

“No,” Frank says. “Not like that.”

“Like what, though?” Gerard says, sounding frustrated and pulling back from Frank.

“You’re married,” Frank says, weakly.

Gerard stares at him for a moment, and leans in and kisses him, then abruptly pulls away.
“Ok,” Gerard says, “I can follow the rules.” And he tears off downstairs.

Dinner goes really well after that. Gerard is sweet to Alicia, he tries several times to say something that makes Lyn-Z laugh, asks Jamia questions about her trip to Seattle, and he doesn’t flirt with Frank at all. He doesn’t once say anything about wanting a drink. Frank feels relieved, like he’s breathing clearly for the first time in four days.

When Jamia kisses him goodbye before she goes back home, she asks how he’s doing, he tells her everything is going really, really well.

They next day, Gerard, Lyn-Z, and Frank are hanging out in the living room watching The Cooking Network, but none of them are actually watching. Gerard is flipping through an issue of Shadowman, Frank is testing his memorization of the 12 Steps, and Lyn-Z is watching out the window, her eyes quiet, her fingers drumming on her knee. There's a hole in her jeans, just on the inside of her thigh and Frank looks at it, wondering what it is she's really thinking. Gerard is warm pressed up against him, and when Frank leans into Gerard, he sighs happily, but doesn't look up from his comic book. Frank feels relaxed, like this is all really normal. Like they do this all the time.

"Does anyone mind if I just turn this off?" Lyn-Z says, leaning forward to reach for the remote.

"I really don't need to know how to make a rack of lamb," Frank says. Gerard just nods, still not looking up from his book. Lyn-Z turns off the TV, leans back into the couch, and closes her eyes. Frank actually feels at peace, because this feels familiar. Even if he's never done this with Gerard and Lyn-Z in a house, they've all found their own quiet way to be in each other's company on tour buses or at the green room in the venue, and Frank likes anything that feels familiar when it comes to Gerard ever since the amnesia began.

Gerard finishes his book, looks at Frank with a smile, and reaches across Frank to set the book down on the coffee table. Frank presses a kiss to Gerard's forehead and Gerard grins at him. Gerard sits back down, and looks at Lyn-Z who is still sitting with her eyes closed. Gerard reaches over and brushes her hair back from her face. Lyn-Z opens her eyes and smiles at him and Frank's heart clenches, because it's so tender. He feels like he ought to leave, but he's frozen, as Gerard leans forward and kisses her. Lyn-Z visibly hesitates, but Gerard doesn't pull back, and after a second, she kisses him back, and Frank realizes he's been holding his breath.

Gerard kisses Lyn-Z harder, twines his fingers in her hair and shifts on the couch so he's at a better angle, and Frank leans forward, ready to sneak away, and Gerard abruptly turns, presses his hands against Frank's shoulders so he's pushed back against the couch and kisses him, hard and a little desperate.

Lyn-Z makes a pleased sound and when Frank opens his eyes and looks at her, she looks almost as surprised by it as he is. Gerard bites Frank's neck and Frank snaps his attention back to him, sliding his hands up underneath Gerard's shirt. Gerard pulls back after a moment, smiles incredibly sweetly at Frank, and then leans over and licks Lyn-Z's throat, and says, softly, into her neck, “Is this ok?"

She says, "Yes," and swallows and breathes out quickly as Gerard licks her throat again.

Gerard looks up at Frank, and asks, "Frank? Is this ok with you?"

Frank nods, and then finds his voice and says, "Yeah. Yes, it's good."

Gerard kisses Lyn-Z again, and then says, cautiously, 'How about if....if we switch places. So you're in the middle."

Lyn-Z gets up, entirely agreeable, and sits down next to Frank. Gerard looks at Frank for a long time, and Frank, who can feel his pulse in his throat, leans down and kisses Lyn-Z. He knows this is what Gerard is silently asking him to do, to make this ok, to make sure Frank is on the same page. Kissing Lyn-Z feels good, feels really good, feels even better when she grabs the back of Frank's head and pulls him close. Frank can feel Gerard lean closer, feels Lyn-Z's reaction against his mouth when she gasps. Frank looks down, pressing his forehead against Lyn-Z's, and sees that Gerard's mouth is on Lyn-Z's breast, his teeth scraping her nipple through her shirt. And Christ, that makes Frank start to sweat. Lyn-Z gasps again and kisses Frank, biting his bottom lip. Gerard shifts again on the couch - he never stops moving - and he bites Frank's stomach, where his shirt has ridden up, then licks across Frank's lower back.

"Fuck," Frank swears, and Lyn-Z gets her hands up Frank's shirt, fingers sliding gently across his chest and he feels dizzy. He moves so he can kiss Gerard, and then Lyn-Z sucks on Gerard's earlobe and Gerard fucking moans against Frank's mouth. Frank slides his hands up under the seam of Gerard's shirt, lifts and then tugs it up, pausing for Lyn-Z to sit back, and then both Frank and Lyn-Z have the same idea, they lean forward and attach their mouths to either side of Gerard's neck, sucking and biting until they get to his collarbone. It's incredibly reassuring to Frank that they both know what Gerard likes, and that they're sharing. Gerard is making this pleased needy noise, and Lyn-Z kisses him while Frank whispers in his ear, "Fucking Christ, you're beautiful, Gee." Gerard reaches out and grabs Frank right around the middle, pulls him up close, so that their chests are almost touching, and Lyn-Z stops kissing Gerard and bites Frank's earlobe and then Frank and Gerard are kissing again and Frank thinks, hysterically, that he's never done this before, and he has no idea what's supposed to happen next, except that he might actually come in his pants if Gerard keeps kissing him like this, hot and dirty, while Lyn-Z licks the shell of Frank's ear and slides her hands across his ass. Frank wonders if they're supposed to take turns, but then Lyn-Z is taking Frank's shirt off and then takes off her own, and undoes her bra, and then both Gerard and Lyn-Z’s warm bare chests are presses against Frank.

"Oh," Frank says. "Oh, wow."

Gerard's hair tickles Frank's stomach as Gerard leans down and kisses Lyn-Z's navel, and Gerard starts to unbutton Lyn-Z's jeans and then Lyn-Z is making a noise that makes it very clear to Frank what's going to happen next. Gerard backs up off the couch, gets down on his knees, and pulls Lyn-Z's hips toward him, and awkwardly helps her out of her jeans. She's wearing red underwear, Frank isn't sure why that's the detail that he notices, and then Gerard is sliding those down, too. He settles on his knees and Lyn-Z half-sits, half lies back on the couch, her eyes on Frank as Gerard kisses her inner thighs, spreads her legs, his fingers tracing over her thighs.

Frank leans down and kisses Lyn-Z, and he can feel when Gerard's tongue touches her, he can tell when Gerard starts to suck. It's fast, faster than Frank would have expected, one of Lyn-Z's hands splayed across Gerard's shoulder, the other tugging tight against the waist of Frank's jeans, and she comes with a gasp, her hips bucking up, and then a filthy groan and sigh. Gerard sits up, kissing her knee, wipes his mouth, and Jesus, Frank is staring at Gerard's mouth, his red lips, glistening, and Gerard says to Lyn-Z, like he's whispering a secret, "Want to watch me suck Frank off now?"

She agrees at the same time Frank groans, and Gerard simply scoots over to Frank's side of the couch, unzips Frank's jeans, and slides them off. "You want this, Frankie?" and it's not Gerard being uncertain anymore, he's fucking flirting, licking Frank's hip, pushing Frank down on the couch, making Frank scoot forward, so he's sitting on the edge of the couch, and this is dirty, this is so dirty, Gerard on his knees between Frank's legs spread wide, Gerard bending forward to take Frank's cock in his mouth, saying, "Pull at my hair, I know you want to," before swallowing him down.

Frank does pull at Gerard's hair, tugging and biting back the howl he wants to make, because Gerard feels so fucking good, and Lyn-Z is sucking on Frank's neck and Frank can see why Lyn-Z came so fast. He doesn't think he'll last another thirty seconds, and then Gerard grabs Frank's hips, fingers tight against him and sucks, Gerard's tongue flat against the underside of Frank's cock and Frank tugs hard at Gerard's hair and Gerard groans, he fucking groans and Frank looses all control, thrusts into Gerard's mouth and comes.

Gerard looks sated even though he hasn’t come yet - Frank can still feel Gerard is hard when Gerard stands, presses himself against Frank, and kisses his neck.

“Should we maybe…” Lyn-Z says, and she’s standing, not even bothering to cover up, and looking at the stairs.

“Yeah,” Frank says, his heart still thrumming, and he rubs his hand over Gerard’s cheek. “You wanna go upstairs, Gee?” Frank asks, and Gerard’s eyes go dark. He nods, but doesn’t say anything, and Frank watches as he looks at Lyn-Z.

Upstairs, Lyn-Z steers Gerard toward the bed, and Frank, who left his pants downstairs, looks down at his bare legs, and then up at the bed, where Gerard is laying down, and Lyn-Z- is lying down next to him. Frank’s heart speeds up, because, yes, they’re really going to do this. Lyn-Z leans down and sucks on Gerard’s collar bone and Gerard arches his back and Frank rushes over to the bed. He pauses, trying to decide where to put himself, but it’s obvious that Gerard is meant to be at the center and so Frank climbs up on the other side, across from Lyn-Z, and after watching for a moment, brings his mouth down on the other side of Gerard’s collarbone. Gerard goes completely still for a moment and then he whispers, “I could come, just from this, with you both - ” and then his whole body jumps as Lyn-Z bites down on his hipbone. Gerard starts to pant, and Frank follows Lyn-Z, biting down first gently, then harder on Gerard’s hipbone from the other side. Gerard’s hips start to buck and Lyn-Z presses her palm down on Gerard’s thigh and says, “Shhh, we’ll take care of you,” and Frank leans forward and kisses Gerard’s stomach. Lyn-Z is sliding her hands up and down Gerard’s thighs, and when Frank says, “Yeah, Gee, we know just want you need,” and Gerard groans, Frank catches Lyn-Z’s eye, and they both reach for Gerard’s cock, Frank’s hand on the bottom, Lyn-Z’s hand on the top. Frank stays looking at her, watching her face closely, watching for the certainty in her eyes, and then he starts to move. Frank’s hand bumps against Lyn-Z’s until they find the rhythm, and then their hands are touching the entire time, sliding up and down Gerard’s cock, making Gerard moan and cant his hips and splay his legs wide. Frank reaches over Gerard, takes Lyn-Z’s free hand, and sucks two of her fingers into his mouth. Watching her eyes flutter makes Frank’s breath hitch and Gerard opens his eyes at the sound. He whispers, “Oh, fuck,” and then Frank guides Lyn-Z’s hand down between Gerard’s legs. She presses both fingers in, slowly, and Frank watches her bite her lip, look up at Frank and then breathe out. Gerard has gone completely still, his head thrown back, his mouth wide open. His body is tense and tight, and Frank says, “You’re close, Gerard, aren’t you? You’re so close.”

Gerard only groans, and Frank nods at Lyn-Z, who smiles at him. Frank moves their hands faster, tugging a little tighter, and Frank sees the moment when they both know he’s going to come, when they both lean closer, hold their breath as Gerard arches and cries out.

Frank leans over and kisses Lyn-Z, pulling her to him over Gerard’s still shifting hips. They kiss until Gerard sits up, so that his legs aren’t between them anymore, and then Lyn-Z’s bare chest is against Frank’s and her arms are wrapping around him. They fall against the bed, both on their sides, Gerard tucking himself against Lyn-Z’s back, so that she turns and kisses him.

Frank watches them and feels his eyes starting to drift closed. Lyn-Z is warm beside him, and then he feels Gerard climb over so that he’s pressing up against Frank’s back. “On your back, Frankie,” Gerard whispers, and his eyes fly open, because Lyn-Z is straddling him.

She looks at Frank, not asking permission so much as making sure he knows what she’s doing before she does it. He turns and looks at Gee, whose eyes are wide and dark, and then he looks back and Lyn-Z and nods, and she sinks down on his cock, and Gerard’s the one who makes the guttural noise as all the breath leaves Frank’s lungs.

In the morning, while Frank is in the shower, Gerard comes in, sits on the closed toilet, and says, "Hey."

Frank isn't even soaping up, he's just standing there, his face under the stream. "Hey," he says. He woke up with Gerard's arms around him, Gerard's face pressed to his neck, Lyn-Z's leg draped over his thigh.

"So," Gerard says. "Did you - "

Frank laughs. “Did I enjoy myself? Are you kidding? I just slept with you and your wife. Gee, that was incredibly hot. Fucked up and confusing and incredibly hot. "

Gerard says, quietly, "Ok."

"Did you enjoy yourself?" Frank says, and there's a little bit of a joke behind it, but then Frank remembers Gerard arched under him, Gerard coming all over Frank's stomach, and he's hard again. He keeps his hands away from his cock, sticking his face under the stream of water and closing his eyes.

Gerard doesn't answer, and Frank hears him moving and he thinks Gerard's gotten up to leave. Frank curses himself, for not remembering how sensitive Gerard can be, how he's probably terrified, or thinks he's screwed everything up, or thinks he's the only one who can make it better, but then a second later, the shower curtain is pulled back and Gerard is there, naked, stepping into the shower with him.

"Hi," Gerard says, before he kisses Frank.

They end up with Gerard draped over Frank's back, one hand on the wall, one hand around Frank's cock. Gerard whispers, "I love you," and Frank thinks maybe he hopes it will get lost in the sound of the water, but Frank can't help but answer. "I love you, too."

The rest of the morning is a kind of pleasant blur of breakfast and coffee and a good morning kiss from Lyn-Z that actually makes the hair stand up on the back of his neck. Gerard is more put-together than Frank has seen him since he lost his memory. He’s confident, he’s calm, he’s smiling sweetly at Lyn-Z and Frank is awed at the fact that sleeping with both of them has made him feel better about their relationship than he’s felt since they got married. He feels comfortable, and he knows it’s just the euphoria, the intensity of what happened. He knows he can’t really trust the feeling, but it doesn’t stop him from grinning when he looks up at Gerard across the kitchen.

Frank listens to a demo from a band they're considering signing to Skeleton Crew over his third cup of coffee, sitting on the floor of the living room, making notes on a little scratch pad, who plays what instrument, who might be a good manager. Gerard is singing nonsense songs upstairs, or he was the last time Frank took off the headphones, and Lyn-Z is organizing her oil paints, which she insists is fun for her. Frank thinks about how normal this feels. It feels a little like the perfect moments on tour, when everyone's in a good mood, and comfortable staying out of each other's way.

Lyn-Z opened two of the windows downstairs and Frank protested because it was still fucking cold out, it was still this side of winter, and Lyn-Z only said she wanted some fresh air. But hardly a half-hour later, the sun is streaming in through the windows and so is the fresh air that Lyn-Z anticipated like a guest ringing their doorbell. It smells like spring outside, dirt and grass and ground and earth, and it's so familiar Frank can't believe he's gone months without realizing he hasn't been able to smell that, that spring has been dormant and frozen. He pulls off his headphones, sets down his notepad, and goes over to one of the windows, bends down and presses his face all the way up to the screen. He squints at the trees, trying to see if there are buds on them, if there are crocuses. Frank loves crocuses and he figures someone must have planted them on this street, someone must have planted them in Lyn-Z's yard last fall. If not, he's going to have to ask Lyn-Z to plant them in the fall so they’re ready for next spring.

He's so close to the window that all he can really smell is the weird metallic wet smell of the screen. He stands up, rubs his nose, and when he turns around, Gerard is in the doorway of the living room.

"Hey, Gee, written anything for our next album?" Frank asks.

Gerard laughs, but it's not a real laugh, and Frank isn't sure why. Surely Gee knows Frank heard him weirdly singing upstairs, and Gerard's always coming up with things for their next album, even things that would never really go on their next album. Gerard walks into the room, closer to one of the open windows. "It smells like springtime," he says, and Frank beams because yes, yes, yes. This is why he loves Gerard, just one more of the thousands of reasons Gerard is one of the most awesome people he knows, because, yes, it smells like springtime. The windows are open and it's just the tiniest bit chilly but it feels good, it feels right, it feels like everything is finally right.

"I remember," Gerard says, and Frank smiles at him again, because Frank was just thinking that, just thinking that he remembered springtime, and the way the nights got longer and the way it rained and rained and then the sun would come up the next day and the air would be all humid and warm and flowers would suddenly burst into bloom. He's so caught up in the memory and the anticipation of spring, of the joy of this morning with the windows open that he'd made fun of and the sun yellow and everywhere, sparkling against the window glass and the water in the flower vase, that he doesn't notice how Gerard looks different. He looks different, like, completely, his expression, the way he's holding himself and then Frank knows.

"You...."

"Everything," Gerard says. "It was just - I remember."

"Oh," Frank says, and he thinks he might die, because he's suddenly wrapped in Gerard's arms and everything, everything is different, just when Frank thought he might understand, might be getting a handle on how things were supposed to be. "I'm so glad, Gee," Frank says, into Gerard's shoulder. "We were all so worried. I mean, seriously, amnesia."

"I'm totally going to write the next album about it. It'll make an awesome concept album, don’t you think. I called Mikey first, he's on his way over." Gerard says it all in a rush.
Frank breathes in deeply, the smell of Gerard’s hair, the smell of spring, and he swallows and makes himself say it, because this will make it real. "Have you told Lyn-Z?"

Gerard squeezes him tight, and then says, "Not yet."

Frank desperately wants to say don't. He wants to ask Gerard never to tell her. He wants the chance to restart with Gerard, like they were doing, they were going to have something new. And as much as Frank hoped and prayed for Gerard to come back to himself, for Gerard to be able find his way back, and now Frank's feeling selfish, so horribly selfish. Frank's feeling alone and abandoned and lost.

It's all in the past. Frank tries to let go of it like it really ended four years ago, not mere moments ago. Like it slipped away so slowly he never really noticed until it was gone, not like now, where the moment Gerard left his arms, he'd be married again, and everything would be the way it was supposed to be. Not this dream-life they'd been living, that Frank had been stupid enough to believe was real.

"Well, she's upstairs, probably organizing her entire paint collection, you should go see her."

Gerard laughs. "She always says that's what she's doing, but she usually finds a color she forgot she has in the middle and starts painting."

"You should go," Frank says, and there's something in his voice he can't hide. Gerard looks at him for a long moment, then kisses him, soft and quick, and takes the stairs, fumbling and half-tripping, two at a time. He gets halfway up and then comes rushing back down, coming so close to Frank his hands are practically on Frank's chest.

"I don't remember - "

"Wait, what?" Frank thinks, panicking, that it's gone just as fast as it came back.

"I don't remember the amnesia," Gerard says, "It's all kind of foggy. I remember going to the hospital, and then.....it's kind of a blur. It's only been a week, right?"

Everything is knocked out of Frank's chest. He can't breathe. "A week. Yeah."

"Must have been a strange week. You'll have to tell me about it," Gerard says, and then he's rushing back up the stairs to his wife.

Frank thinks he might be dying, and so he calls Brian. "Fucking Gerard," Brian says. "I had just worked up a story for why we were cancelling east coast dates one after another. Figures he'd get his memory back less than two weeks before he was supposed to be on tour." But there's a relief in his voice.

"Why don't you come by? I was thinking you could be the one to tell Gee that he fell off the wagon."

"Fuck you, Iero," Brian says, laughing. "Are you ok, Frank?" Brian asks, and Frank is always amazed at how Brian can go from caring for the band to caring for them all individually on their own level of need, just like that. Like a fucking mother hen.

"Of course I'm fine. Gee's fine now. Everything's gonna be fine."

"You think you'd be better at lying by now," Brian says and then hangs up.

Mikey arrives while Gerard and Lyn-Z are still locked up in the bedroom. Not locked, Frank doesn't think they'd lock the door, but they've been up there more than half an hour, and Frank hasn't heard anything, not their voices, not them walking around. He imagines they're clutching each other on the bed, possibly only because that's what he wants to be doing, his arms tight around Gerard, holding him close and still.

"Did he say what it was?" Mikey asks, as Frank makes them coffee. Alicia is looking in the cabinets. "Did he say if it was something specific? Like, a trigger?"

Frank shakes his head. "He just came down and told me."

Alicia opens every single cabinet and then starts over again. “What are you looking for, Alicia?" Frank says. Mikey is watching her with a fond look.

"Where do you keep your fucking juice glasses, seriously?" she says. She opens one cabinet again, quickly, like she's trying to catch the juice glasses before they escape.

Frank opens the dishwasher. "Sorry, we only have three." And then Frank freezes and feels Alicia and Mikey both go still. "*They* had a set of six but three got broken...." He hands Alicia a glass. "Orange juice is on the door, and cranberry juice is in the cabinet. Gee likes it warm, don't fucking ask me why. He probably likes to pretend it's blood."

Frank strains to hear anything from upstairs, wants to scream for Gerard to just fucking get down here and talk to his goddamn brother and know where he keeps his own fucking dishes and let Frank go and take a nap.

"We should bring him to the doctor," Mikey says. "He won't like it, but I'll take responsibility. I'll just promise him he's a medical marvel."

Frank stares out the window. "He'll put that in the concept album, too."

Gerard comes down the stairs and it's apparent just from his expression that he remembers, that the state of amnesia is gone, completely, just like it arrived. Mikey hugs his brother and quizzes him about the exact moment that his memory returned, trying to solve the puzzle to prevent it from happening again. Alicia just hugs Gerard and says, "You were really nice to me even though you didn't know who I was, just because we told you I was married to Mikey." Alicia says. "You're a good brother."

Frank zones out, thinking about what he'll do when he gets home, what he's going to tell the band he was listening to, what he might blog about for the Skeleton Crew street team. He thinks about going home and making dinner for Jamia. Mikey calls Ray and Bob and Frank leans up against the banister, about to sneak back upstairs to get his coat and his keys.

Gerard is saying something about how much his band loves him and his eyes lock on Frank. Frank is the first one to look away. He's so shaken from the intensity in Gerard's eyes that it takes him a minute to notice that Lyn-Z has slid her hand over his, her cool fingers resting on top of his. Frank squeezes her hand, pulls away with just a quick look at her. It's a fake smile, but he can't help it. He doesn't have it in him to give her a real smile, as much as she deserves one. Everyone's watching him when he comes down the stairs, jacket and keys in hand. He mumbles something about being really tired, that Mikey should call him once Gerard is back from the doctors and they'll all hang out and watch a Dracula movie marathon, and then the door is closing behind him. He breathes in the fresh, spring air but it doesn't smell the same as it did from inside. It's just another day. Frank gets in the car, and drives home.

Frank likes the sound of the car, the familiar sound of the engine, of his tires on the asphalt. He pulls into the driveway, and he likes the sound of car door closing, getting out his keys. He feels outside of his body, like he's watching himself open his own door. He can't even call out to Jamia, he just puts down his keys in the old cracked bowl Jamia won't let him throw out, hangs up his coat on the coat rack, toes off his shoes. He opens the refrigerator, gets out a diet Coke, and sits down at the kitchen table. He can't even open the soda. He feels tired, he feels desperately weak, and he thinks of sleeping last night with Gerard and Lyn-Z wrapped around him. He gets up and puts the soda can back in the refrigerator and goes to see if Jamia is upstairs.

"Hey honey," she calls out when she hears him on the stairs. "You alone or did you bring the family?" There's no expectation in her voice, Frank knows that one way or the other, it would be completely fine, whether or not he had brought Gerard and Lyn-Z and Mikey and everyone. He doesn't think of the word family, which they've used forever. It doesn't mean anything different now, it can't. Everyone is who they always were. "I'm only asking because I just got out of the shower and I know how Gerard objects to surprise nakedness," Jamia says.

"Gerard's got his memory back," Frank says, and Jamia comes rushing out of the bathroom, still wet from her shower, just her jeans and a bra and water droplets still all over her back. She hugs him and he presses his face to her wet hair. It smells like shampoo and Frank feels whatever was holding him together just fall apart when he smells Jamia's shampoo, when something as simple, as normal as a shower in his home feels foreign and strange.

"I'm sorry I've been gone so long," Frank says, and Jamia stiffens and pulls back, looks at him fiercely with her hands still tight on his shoulders.

"What the fuck are you talking about," Jamia says. "You just said Gerard got his memory back. So what the hell is wrong?" She's stern and demanding and Frank sits down on the bathroom floor, and Jamia sits down on the edge of the tub. "Frank," she says, and Frank presses the heels of his hands against his eyes. He doesn't want to cry but he feels it rushing to his eyes, his nose, the back of his throat.

"He doesn't remember the amnesia," Frank says, and Jamia presses a hand to his forehead. "He says everything's fuzzy, and he really only remembers the doctor's office. He didn't know how long it had been. I mean, it's probably for the best, he shouldn't remember getting drunk, not after all the work he - "

"Frank," Jamia says, "Are you going to tell me what happened, or am I going to have to guess? Because, seriously, I'm not that good at guessing." Frank adjusts his back on the bathroom floor. " Also, sitting on the floor's hell on your back, let's go in the bedroom."

"My back's already bad. I fucked Gerard in the shower yesterday," he says, and then he looks up at Jamia, who doesn't look as surprised as she could.

"Well, that probably wasn't good for your back, was it?" She gets up and goes into the bedroom, opening up the dresser, pulling out a t-shirt, and pulling it over her head. "I'm taking it that wasn't the only time you fucked Gerard?" Frank winces. "Seriously, honey, what conversation do you think you're having with me? It's ok. ”

"Look, you keep saying that, but it fucking surprised me, ok? I was surprised every time Gerard looked at me that way."

"Oh, sweetie," she says, but Frank has to say it all. He can't stop or he won't say it at all now.

"Things weren't like this four years ago, and they weren't like this now, and now, we figured something out. We figured out something that was missing and now he doesn't remember. And I don't know what I thought - "

At this point, Jamia just comes over and hugs him. "Slow down, sweetie, ok, slow down for a minute." She pets his hair. "You love Gerard. It's ok."

"But it isn’t. We all slept together. I slept with Gerard and Lyn-Z together, last night." Frank feels such relief having said it, at the same time the tension coils in him, waiting for whatever Jamia’s going to say next.

"And you did it without inviting me?" Jamia says, and she can’t be entirely serious but it doesn’t sound like she’s joking either, and there's no anger in her voice. Frank doesn't even know what to say. He just looks at her. "Oh, sweetie, we've got a great big mess on our hands, don't we? I'm sorry, it's half my fault, I thought you knew - well, I just thought you knew."

Frank doesn’t say anything, he just lets Jamia rub his shoulders for a minute, and then she says, “Honey, I need to make a few phone calls, why don’t you take a long shower.” Frank can’t ignore the firmness in her voice, so even though he can still smell the soap on his skin from his shower this morning, he goes into the bathroom, starts taking off his clothes, and steps into the hot water, standing there, not thinking about anything.

When he gets out of the shower, Jamia’s got her coat on and the car keys in her hand. “I just need to run out and get the proofs from the printers before they close, I’ll be back soon.” She’s half out the door, but she steps back in, kisses Frank, and heads out the door.

Schechter shows up a few minutes later, before Frank even has a chance to turn on the TV. Almost like they timed it, Frank thinks, and then he realizes maybe they did. He feels like he’s really screwed up if Jamia is calling Schechter on him.

Brian knocks and hands Frank a Starbucks coffee and he’s barely in the door before he says, "Ok, I'm gonna tell you something that I've sworn not to tell anyone, but I'm smarter than you all and I know when it's better to tell a secret. Can we go for a walk? Let’s get your coat. Secrets are always better told over a walk."

It’s chilly outside, but there are robins chirping high up in the still-bare trees. Brian has his collar up against his neck and Frank stares at the rim of his coffee cup.

“Gerard was in love with you,” Brian says, just as the sound of their steps was starting to fall into a rhythm. Frank stops, and a second later, Brian stops and waits for him to catch up.

“That’s the big secret. You can guess whose secret it is and why I’m not supposed to share it.” Brian walks, and sips his coffee, and looks at Frank. Frank doesn’t say anything, he’s not even sure what to say. He’s just thinking that he needs to keep walking, keep up with Brian, who’s a fucking fast walker, he just has to drink his coffee, which is hot and burns his throat.

“And so I’m assuming he went back there, to the state of mind he was in four years ago, in all ways. He was a drunk, he was lost and terrified, and he was in love with you. You didn’t know, did you?” Brian finally says. “That’s the problem. We thought you knew.”

“I was in love with him, too,” Frank says, and now it’s Brian’s time to stop.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” he says, and fumbles for a cigarette. “You motherfucking boys drive me fucking insane.” He lights his cigarette and offers one to Frank, who takes it. “So, he loved you and you loved him and neither of you knew. That explains a lot. We all thought - ” he hesitates. “We all thought you worked it out. We thought Gerard had talked to you….” Brian takes a long drag on his cigarette and starts again. “Jamia told me the other side of the story this morning. She told me she thought that you two had worked it out, that you had said something to Gerard the same way we thought Gerard said something to you.”

“We never talked about it,” Frank says.

“That has become abundantly clear.” Brian flicks his cigarette, tips his coffee cup way back and drinks to the bottom. ‘I’ve got another secret for you,” Schechter says, shaking the empty cup. They’ve turned down Frank’s street and they’re almost back at the house. Frank is disturbed by how well Schechter seems to know the neighborhood.

“I don’t want to hear it,” Frank says, but he doesn’t really mean it. How bad could it be, after all this? Maybe he’ll find out Schechter and Jamia used to date, or Schechter and Lyn-Z. Maybe Schechter and Bob.

“I talked to Gerard this morning. Turns out he never stopped being in love with you. How’s that for a secret to keep, even from me?” Brian is getting out his keys and walking back to his car. He catches Frank’s eyes and looks at him, serious, intense. “I don’t even know what it means, but I hope you can figure it out. Tell your girlfriend I’ll be home after 6:00.”

“Why does Jamia need to know when you’ll be home?”

“So I can tell her I’m in love with her,” Brian says, straight-faced, and then cracks up. “Seriously, Frankie, someone needs to take care of you,” and then he’s getting into his car and driving away.

Frank stays standing out in the cold until Jamia comes home. He’s trying to find the right words to tell her that he’s falling apart, but he stays quiet, and Jamia lets him keep to himself.

Gerard calls him in the middle of the night. He's downstairs on the couch because he couldn't sleep and he didn't want to wake Jamia with his tossing and turning, and he hadn't meant to fall asleep here, but he's suddenly wide awake with his phone ringing on the coffee table next to his head. "Yeah," he says.

"I woke you. I'm sorry I woke you." Gerard sounds nervous. "Sometimes you don't always sleep through the night, and I thought - "

"Gee," Frank says, breathing out. 'What is it?"

"I lied," Gerard says, and Frank sits bolt upright, his stomach churning.

"Lied about what?"

"I remember what happened. This week, I remember. I remember what we did."

"Gee, I don't understand, are you telling me - "

"I fucking freaked out, okay?"

Frank rubs his hand over his face. He's not freaking out because it's the middle of the night. Frank can tell as soon as its morning he's going to lose his mind, but right now, it's too dark, he's too half-asleep and confused. "It's ok, Gee. You get to freak out. You had amnesia. Listen, maybe we - " ought to talk about this sometime other than the middle of the night, is what he’s about to say.

"I'm outside," Gerard says, interrupting. "It's raining."

"Well, go inside then, and - "

"I'm outside your house," Gerard says, and Frank hangs up the phone, opens the door, and squints into the dark. It is raining, and it's cold, and Gerard is standing, not by Frank's door, but on the sidewalk on the street.

Frank says, "Jesus Christ, come inside," and Gerard follows him back into the house. "Hang on, I'll go get you a towel," Frank says, but then Gerard is right fucking next to him, Gerard is there, he's present, he is right up against Frank and he says, "Kiss me," and grabs Frank's arm and Frank doesn't have time to think, he just does what Gerard asks, steps in and kisses Gerard, whose lips are cold from the rain but whose mouth opens and is searing hot and Frank groans as Gerard grabs the back of Frank's head and holds him close. He kisses Gerard for a long time, until Gerard feels warm against him, until Frank is hard, until the din in his head quiets down and all he hears is Gerard's breathing, Gerard making pleased noises, the hum of the heat kicking on.

Gerard pulls away and Frank thinks, good, he'll get Gee a towel and maybe make him some fucking tea or something and then Gerard steps into Frank's space, steps closer, so his knee is between Frank's thighs and Gerard whispers, "Up against the wall, come on, Frankie, yes, good," and gently backs Frank up against the wall right next to the front door, making sure Frank's head doesn't hit the light switch. Gerard is so close and Frank can't breathe and Gerard is still whispering, "Good, yes, Frankie, that's good," in between sucking on Frank's neck and rocking up against him, and Jesus Christ, Frank's going to come just from this, he's sure of it, Gerard wet and close and fucking whispering to him in the dark in the middle of his living room.

"Gerard," Frank moans as Gerard's hand slips between them, Gerard palming Frank's cock through his jeans. And then, because he'd be too guilty if he didn't say it, "Jamia's just upstairs."

Gerard bites Frank's neck, hard, and Frank throws his head back, bangs it against the wall. "Do you think I don't fucking know that?" Gerard says harshly, his teeth just under Frank's jaw. "Do you think I could possibly forget that I'm married and you're in love with Jamia?"

"Yes," Frank can't help but laugh, because, yes, of course he thinks that, Gerard just forgot for an entire fucking week and it was amazing. Gerard laughs, too, against Frank's chest, and then unzips Frank's jeans and wraps his hand around Frank's cock.

"Come for me, Frankie. Come for me right here, just one more time." It's too rough, too fast, but Frank does, all over Gerard's hand and his still-damp shirt. "Motherfucker," Gerard whispers, and it's so dirty, it's so fucking dirty, and when Gerard kisses him, Frank shoves his hands down the back of Gerard's pants, against the bare skin of Gerard's ass and squeezes. Gerard gasps and bucks forward, and Frank can tell Gerard was about to run, Gerard was about to run back out into the rain.

"That's not how we end, Gerard," Frank says, and digs his fingers into Gerard's skin, rocking up against Gerard even though he's still soft and sensitive. "You've got to come for me," mouthing Gerard's ear, unbuttoning his jeans. "I really should be on my knees," Frank says, and Gerard lets out a strangled cry. "Or on my back. We haven't done that. Are you telling me we're never gonna do that? You're never going to fuck me? You're never going to come, panting, balls-deep in my ass?" Gerard whimpers and Frank brushes his fingers over Gerard's cock, lightly, and Gerard thrusts into his hand.

"No, Frankie, I'm never - " Gerard whispers and Frank wraps his fingers around Gerard's cock and squeezes and then Gerard is coming, whimpering, his eyes wide and locked on Frank's face.

They clean each other up in silence, Frank retrieving a wash cloth and soaking it in warm water in the kitchen sink a lot longer than he needed to, wiping up Gerard's hands and over his chest, feeling incredibly tender, while the entire time Gerard refuses to look at him.

"I should go," Gerard says. He halts Frank's hand, brushing aside the washcloth, but not bothering to straighten his shirt. He kisses Frank, quick, mostly on the side of his mouth. "We'll still do that, though, right?" Gerard asks, and when Frank nods, Gerard practically runs for the door. Frank finds he can barely walk, can barely go over and lock the door behind Gerard.

Frank sits in the dark downstairs for maybe an hour, his mind blank, or as blank as he could make it, forcing away the memory of what had just happened, of Gerard's face, his broken voice. Of Gerard's lie, and giving up the thing they never could have.

The stairs creak as he goes upstairs, and he tosses the washcloth into the laundry bin.

"How's Gerard?" Jamia said in the dark. Frank jumps and swears. "Sorry," she says. "But you were pretty noisy."

"Jamia, I'm sorry, it won't ever ..."

"Shh," she said, reaching out for him, pulling him against her. Frank is raw, and he leans against Jamia, his head on her shoulder, not really even sitting up. "We've got a lot to talk about," Jamia says, and Frank's heart clenches in desperate fear, "but we both need sleep. A real good night's sleep." Frank falls into it, exhausted, falling asleep to the sound of Jamia's breathing and wondering how much loss he'd wake up to in the morning, if there would be anything left at all.

When he wanders downstairs, late in the morning, he hears the sound of Jamia making breakfast, but when he walks into the kitchen, Lyn-Z and Gerard are sitting at the table, drinking coffee. "I told them you'd make your hash browns, ok?” Jamia says when she sees him. She’s dipping bread slices in egg wash. “The ones with lots of garlic."

Frank’s obviously walked into the middle of a conversation, because as soon as Jamia tells him about her hash brown promise, Lyn-Z starts talking again about something about making an omelet on the bus on tour. Frank can’t really track the conversation, and he’s too busy trying to avoid looking at Gerard. Finally, though, he has to, and when he looks up, Gerard is looking back at him. Gerard looks as scared and trapped and freaked out as Frank feels, and so he knows it wasn’t Gerard’s idea to come over for breakfast.

“I already washed the potatoes, sweetie,” Jamia says, and Frank startles.

Frank is worn out and he's panicking and so the only real thing to do is make the hash browns like Jamia asked. “Right,” he says, and goes over to the countertop where Jamia’s piled the potatoes, picks up the knife and starts smashing garlic cloves.

He can't tell if she's angry, he can't tell if Lyn-Z just dropped in or if Jamia invited them over. Frank doesn't understand, and so he just drinks the coffee that Jamia puts in front of him and when he finishes the garlic, he starts shredding potatoes. Gerard, when Frank risks looking over at the table, is miles away.

It's still raining out, and Frank listens to the sound of it, loud and sharp on the windows, the gusts of wind making the tree branches scrape against the side of the house. He listens to Jamia and Lyn-Z, who are now talking about Skeleton Crew. He thinks, unbidden, of Gerard, all rain-wet and flush against him. Frank looks over at Gerard, who's looking up at him. Frank had seen Gerard watching the rain out the window and he wonders, desperately, if they’re thinking the same thing. They hold each other's gaze for a long moment, too long, because when Frank looks away, both Jamia and Lyn-Z have stopped talking and are looking from Frank to Gerard.

"Frank, honey," Jamia says, "Go over there and kiss Gerard." Frank drops the knife, which clatters on the cutting board, nearly falling off the countertop.

'What?" he chokes out. He looks quickly over at Gerard, who looks nervous and trapped. "It's not - we're - we're over," Frank says, and Gerard is just looking at his hands. Frank looks pleadingly at Jamia. "We worked it out, and it's - we're over. I'm sorry," Frank says, feebly.

Jamia is still smiling at him, but it's a kind smile, not angry at all.

"No, you're not," Lyn-Z says. Frank looks at her, and she's holding Gerard's hand and speaking to him. He's trying to squirm away, but Lyn-Z's fingers twine in Gerard's over the coffee mugs and Gerard doesn't get up and run. "I know you want to kiss him again," Lyn-Z says to Gerard. "I know you want to kiss Frankie good morning, squeeze him tight, feel his hips against yours, feed him cinnamon buns from your fingers, lick the sugar from his lips...."

The whole time Lyn-Z is talking, Gerard's eyes are getting wider, his mouth falling open. His tongue flicks out and touches his bottom lip. "So do I," Lyn-Z says and Frank gasps. He can't help it. He feels all the eyes in the room on him and he quickly looks down, tries to take a sip of his coffee but the cup is empty. Lyn-Z gets out of her chair and Frank starts to panic. His heart is pounding so loudly he can hear it thudding. With a nod at Jamia, so small Frank almost misses it, Lyn-Z comes over, takes the empty cup from Frank, sets it down on the counter, places her hands on either side of Frank's face and licks the corner of his mouth.

Frank whimpers, and then Lyn-Z kisses him full on the mouth. Frank can’t really pay attention to how it feels, can’t even really kiss back, because he’s too busy trying to back away, trying to figure out what to say to Jamia, whether she’s going to slap him, stunned at what the hell is going on. Lyn-Z pulls back and smiles at Frank and then she walks over and kisses Jamia. Lyn-Z’s fingers stroke down Jamia’s jaw and down her neck and Frank watches, his mouth open, his eyes watering from the shock. When Lyn-Z pulls away, Jamia’s eyes follow her, and Frank notices how wet Jamia’s lips are, how her cheeks have gone pink. Frank can’t help thinking it doesn’t look like their first kiss.

Frank chokes out, “Are you fucking with me? Because this - this isn’t ok. Whatever I did, whatever we did, this isn’t fair."

No one answers him. Jamia is watching him, though, and he wants to swear at her, wants to demand she tell him what he did wrong, what he can do to fix it. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Lyn-Z take Gerard's hand.

“Tell him what you told me this morning,” Lyn-Z says. Gerard is ghost white. He shakes his head, quickly, no. “Go on, Gerard, it’s ok,” Lyn-Z says, and then Gerard is on his feet, standing up so fast he almost knocks over the chair.

He strides over to Frank and he says, fast, his voice tight, “I thought I couldn’t have you and so I moved on. Except I never really stopped wanting you.”

“What?” Frank says. Gerard’s eyes are fierce, and suddenly Frank forgets everything else going on, and just wants to take a swing at Gerard, because that’s not what Gerard is supposed to say. Schechter had told Frank as much yesterday, but it was different, coming from Gerard. He’s supposed to say they made a mistake or he and Frank are being punished, he’s not supposed to say that he wanted Frank, that he never stopped.

“You never gave me a choice,” Frank says, getting right up in Gerard’s face. He’s furious, he’s so angry he can’t even see straight.

“You always had Jamia,” Gerard says, and Frank can’t even stop, he just leans forward and pushes Gerard hard in the chest

“Fuck you, Gee, shut the fuck up and get out of my house,” Frank shouts.

Gerard doesn’t push back, he just staggers and regains his balance. And then he leans in and whispers, fierce and frightening, “You saying there would have been a chance?”

Frank feels the question like ice down his spine. “I….” He wants to say yes, wants to say, for you, of course. “It doesn’t matter,” Frank says. “That was a long time ago.”

“It was just a day ago for me,” Gerard says, and his voice is terrifying.

“Your wife is right behind you,” Frank says bitterly. He looks up at Lyn-Z and feels immediately guilty when he sees the hurt expression on her face.

“Frank,” Jamia says, a hand on his arm and Frank jerks away. “Frank, calm down.”

“You’re telling me to calm down?” Frank bites out, turning on her. “I know you’re angry with me, but this is sabotage. This is fucked up. If you wanted me to admit I was still in love with Gerard, you could have just fucking asked me, you didn’t have to do this. I would have told you.”

Everyone is quiet, and Frank realizes what he’s just spoken aloud.

“I wasn’t sure you knew it yourself,” Jamia says, and she takes Frank’s hand. “I don’t know how to tell you this so you’ll understand,” she says. “I’ve been trying for months now, sweetie, and you just won’t hear it. But it’s ok.”

“What about this is possibly ok?” Frank says. He’s still angry, though he thinks it’s mostly just panic. Gerard won’t look at him. “I’m sorry,” Frank says again. “I want to fix this.”

Jamia smiles. “There is a way to fix this,” she says. “You need to kiss Gerard.”

“No,” Frank chokes. “No, that’s - I can’t. That’s just - that’s just too much. I know I hurt you and I’m sorry but that’s just - ”

Lyn-Z steps forward, and Frank is suddenly feeling way too crowded. “Jamia and I have talked a lot this week, and we should have done so sooner.”

Frank can hardly hear what Lyn-Z is saying. Gerard is shaking, and he’s holding himself apart, his knuckles white as he grips the edge of the counter. Frank’s looking from Gerard to Jamia, thinking about if he can call Ray - or Schechter - and ask if he can stay with them, thinking about when everything is going to come apart.

“Frank, listen,” Jamia says and Frank snaps out of it, looks at her, and thinks his heart will break if he’s lost her. She has to see it in his eyes because she says, “I’m not leaving you. I’m talking about something new.” Frank wishes he could believe her. He watches as Gerard looks at Lyn-Z and Frank wonders if they’ve already had this conversation, if Lyn-Z has already given him this ultimatum.

“So long as I kiss Gerard, and then this is all over,” Frank says.

“No, it’s not all over,” Jamia says, frustrated and she sighs and turns away and pours another cup of coffee. “Jesus Christ, does anyone else want coffee?”

Gerard quietly goes back over to the table and gets his cup, comes over to the coffee maker and gives it to Jamia, looking at her with a guarded half-smile. She looks up at him and then throws her arms around him. Gerard looks startled but he hugs her back, and then she pulls away, laughs, and fills his cup with coffee.

She looks at Frank and says, “Ok, sweetie, I’m gonna say this once, and you’d better be listening. I know what you want and I know what it means and you can have it. You can have Gerard - for as long as he’ll have you,” she says with a laugh, “And you’ve already got me.”

“I don’t - ”

“Shhh, I’m not done,” Jamia says, and Frank stops. “I know you love me, that’s not in question. I’m not worried about our relationship. I’m worried about you. You’ve always come as a package with Gerard, every since the two of you met. I’ve known that all along, and I guess I thought you did, too. But now we have Lyn-Z,” she says, reaching out and grasping Lyn-Z’s hand. “You come as a package with Gerard and Gerard comes as a package with Lyn-Z, and I’m ok with that. It’s not easy and it’s not something I’m saying we won’t mess up, but we can fix it.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense,” Frank says. “Relationships don’t work like that.”

“No?” Gerard says, suddenly confident, coming up fast toward Frank, his fingers finding Frank’s jaw, his mouth suddenly so very close. “Don’t you think we should try?” Gerard asks, before he kisses Frank, and Frank finally lets go, because, he doesn’t know if this is for real or not, but Gerard is kissing him, slow and warm and sliding his hands up underneath Frank’s shirt.

"It’s not a secret anymore," Gerard says against Frank’s mouth.

Frank thinks he must be going crazy, because he feels suddenly hopeful. Jamia comes up and takes his hand, and Lyn-Z is now so close he can feel her breathe against his face.

“Oh,” Frank says, breathing out.

“Yeah, I’m a pretty awesome girlfriend,” Jamia says. “Good thing I understand you,”

“We all do,” Lyn-Z says.

Gerard laughs against Frank’s mouth. “Yeah, you’re pretty fucking lucky,” Gerard says, and Frank closes his eyes and leans into the kiss, thinking, underneath all the confusion and panic, that maybe that thing he’s feeling is gratitude, and maybe, just maybe this will work.

Fanart by blondiusmaximus
Fanmix by dagdalorijane
Fanmix by olivia_circe