Canadian's Guide to New England - Chapter 2 - Driving
For the record, I do really enjoy my adoptive home here in Cambridge. There are many subtle and hidden charms that are quite a delight, and I look forward to many more years of puzzled looks from locals. I've met some truly bright, interesting and fun people here. Living here, well, it's just not without its ... quirks. I’ve driven in 20+ countries, including 5 on the other side of the road, and I’ve never quite seen this combination of … driving skills before. Driving in New England is not that different from driving in Canada. Well parts of Canada. Ummm, maybe small parts of certain areas of Canada. Ahem.
I’ll say this much and move on. Although I’ve seen people do things on the roads that seem and probably are exceedingly dangerous, New England and particularly Massachusetts has one of the [lowest rate of accidents] per capita in the USA and around the world. So, how y’all figure out how not to hit each other with the things you do whilst driving is rather a mystery to me, but it works.
Terms of Reference - There are, as you might expect, certain cultural differences that need to be understood and internalized. Now, first, a term or three. There are several common terms used to refer to locals. If you are in Massachusetts, the term is [Massholes]. For foreigners (ie/ those born outside New England), Masshole summarizes their (mostly) cheerful smirky aggression and locals use it the same way as proud Red Sox fans cheer on their team.
If you live in Maine, they call themselves Maineiacs. That has a different connotation, you have to be born there to follow. Classically, if a kitten has a litter in the oven, you don’t call them buscuits. Same with local born folks. You aren’t one of them unless you’re born one of them. So, you can understand their viewpoint on driving if you’re from there. And, well, really no other way. It’s pretty up there, but make sure you have daylight if you’re going somewhere you haven’t been to before. Craaaaazy easy to get lost in the more rural areas.
Constant Bumper Chewing - I have this distinct recollection of heading home late one night recently on Highway 2 near the house in Cambridge. It's three lanes there, and there was no other traffic. I'm doing about 80 mph going home, the speed limit is 55, and there is a guy, right behind me, bumper chewing, literally less than two car lengths behind me. Bloody Typical Masshole (see above)! Then, he flicks his lights at me to move over. Here I am, driving at 80 in a 55 zone. Ok ... whatever! I move over. And he shoots by me. A state trooper no less. You see, in Canada, a police officer would be happy to write me a speeding ticket for 80 in a 55 zone. Here, I'm in the way :).
Locals Only Routes - I remember a Massachusetts born and bred fellow named Jim B. from back when I had the delightful experience of living and working in Barbados in 2002/2003. He would take the most absurd back roads to get back to his accommodations, regardless of any seeming rational sense, based in the notion that the route he had discovered saved him several minutes a day each way. It’s particularly funny if you’ve ever been there, since Barbados has been settled as long as Massachusetts and does indeed have some 350 year old paved cow path roads now.
Coming from Canada, and especially from a western prairie city that was laid out post-car, the logical travel routes were always to get on the most major road to get close to the destination, and then on to a series of smaller roads until arrival. At no time did you deliberately take the scenic route, since that was inevitably the slowest.
Enter New England. Pity the folks at Google Maps. They propose a perfectly reasonable route based on this scheme of minor road to major road to minor road, and here are these Locals bounding down these little narrow back roads, trying to avoid two lights and one irksome left turn where no one seems to know how to drive. And you know what? I do it too now. They really aren’t that crazy, now that I See :).
New Rule Rotaries/Traffic Circles - Now, traffic circles, aka roundabouts aka rotaries. For those of you who are familiar with them, in Commonwealth countries, the rules are very simple. If you are in the innermost lane, you can go half way around or three quarters of the way around. If you are in the outermost lane, you can go quarter way around or half way around. You yield to traffic already in the circle, and innermost lane has priority. That way, no one runs into one another. Adjust as necessary for three lobed and five lobed traffic circles. Simple, no?
Near as I can tell, the New England School of Driving teaches one of three randomized techniques for traffic circles. Either you:
- speed up and enter in any lane and exit in any lane (with the liberal use of your horn);
- stop at every quarter of the circle and wave people in ahead of you, or;
- follow all lanes of traffic flow in and out of the traffic circle, blocking lane exits
My particular favorite is watching a flow of traffic where most people turn at the first quarter of the traffic circle, both lanes. How on *earth* do you know not to run each other over? Oh right, you go that way every day. My bad. I've visited 28 countries so far, and I've never seen that rule used before, and never hope to again. Most Canadians would get themselves in an accident if they followed these local rules for traffic circles.
Unheeded Traffic Laws - Another local rule is "anything at 5mph". There is no traffic law that cannot be broken as long as you do it *slowly*. I have personally witnessed backing up on busy highways, turning around in the middle of busy streets, going the wrong way down a one way road and cars going through solidly red lights repeatedly. Cops right there. Going up lawns. Three lane changes with no signals. Everyone waits, goes around or maybe honks their horn. And they go. With waves.
Hyperstrict Parking Rules - Just, whatever you do, don't *park* anywhere you shouldn't. In my neighbourhood, for example, you *must* move your car for street cleaning at least once a month. I must admit, I've never seen the street cleaning machine itself. But I have seen the tow trucks that scoop up vehicles that for whatever reason are still there at 8am on alternating Wednesday and Thursdays, depending on the side of the road you are on. Given how sloppy, uneven and absurdly poor the road maintenance is in many areas, it's insane how huge an amount of time and effort is given the marking the road and curb with lines defining what a parking space is and how long you can be there. Of course, if you need to park for five minutes, hell, just pull up anywhere and put your blinkers on, everyone understands that.
Useless Traffic Signs - Getting lost is a special delight in New England. In many areas, the signage has been specially crippled by master Sign Craftsmen with years of experience to represent the most uninformative message possible. Normally, there is a short message about the condition of concern, a call to action, or an explanation of the behaviour required. Like "Caution: Construction Zone 35 mph". Out of the question in many areas here. My personal favorite is "Thickly Settled", which means this is an area of high density population, and perhaps exhorting you should slow down. Or look out for stupid people?
In urban areas, stop signs in mature areas are hidden sometimes by overgrowth to the point where they are impossible to spot unless you are beside them. And many four way stops cannot be seen at all. Just assume that the signs are there for experienced locals, and use your GPS for all New England navigation. Unless you're in the city, in which case I would recommend walking. Or getting a ride with a local.
Unhelpful City/Town Signs - Each sign here proudly announces the date on which the city or town was founded. Not, mind you, where the center of the city is, or the amenities within, or perhaps even a simple directory of major areas. Just what year it was founded. Fascinating to historians, no doubt, but when I need a quick burger and gas (which could be the same place), I need a bit more information. Sure, I get that the notion of presenting car-friendly signage upon entering a new place is a relatively recent 20th century idea, so it hasn’t had time to percolate through all the local town councils. Perhaps they could just continue escorting people through town with lanterns and let them ask directions?
By the way, under no circumstances should you ask directions of a native New Englander. It is said that our ancient ancestors had very strong [eidetic memory] for locations, presumably as a way of finding food, water and shelter without Google Maps. In this context, it means that Locals can remember a series of spatial-relational steps to find places that they will rattle off to you and make it seem simple to find. It is not. Remember, you will not be able to take a left turn where the post office *used to be*. It is equally unlikely you will spot the sign that says “Beware of Leopard” that has rusted solid onto the fence 30 feet away from where you are supposed to turn right.
What folks do here, in fact, when they want to direct someone to their house, is to post a series of very carefully worded instructions that have stood the test of time. These remain part of the part of the legal deed to the property, so, for older places, just remember to ignore or translate phrases like “turn thy carriage lefte, proceed 250 feet past the gate. Toodle your horn, and wait for the stablemaster to come. Do not leave thy carriage unattended as local moose have a propensity for leather straps”.
Disappearing Lanes - In some urban areas, lanes have been deliberately marked with disappearing ink. You'll be driving along, and suddenly, NoLaneMergeLeftNow!! Idiot, you missed it. Crunch, screech, g’wan! Everyone else will generally deal with this well. You can always spot the tourists, timidly edging forward, a long line of traffic behind them and everyone looking as they shoot by. When two lanes merge, you will be used to each line of traffic quietly interleaving one at a time. Any space larger than a shopping cart in front of you will invite hyper-aggressive darting by the next car in line. No one will "wait their turn" as you might expect. Several places I know have a two lane to two lane merge with no signage or lane markers of any kind.
Bizarre Traffic Lights - You're at a red light, turning left. In some cases, the traffic lights will go solid green and yet people behind you are honking. The traffic in the other lane does not go, and yet there is no turn signal. You've run into the Special Locals light. You're supposed to know, Because Everyone Does, that you can turn there, across traffic, because they have a red light still. No left turn advance. Just go. Would it be so hard to just put up a turn signal like everyone else?
Oh, by the way, you'll run across some true cultural oddities here. Some signs will direct you to only turn left or right in separate stages, or only turn left when the left turn advance is lit rather than any time it is safe. And, please, seriously, No Turn on Red. There are in fact several traffic lights near my house which defy all logic. Here’s but one small example.
In Davis Square, right over by where the Someday Café used to be (woo hoo, I am a junior New Englander!), you will find yourself in the middle of a five way intersection with a green light, crossing a lane of traffic who also ... has a green light. And pedestrians who cross without looking. And to really ball it up, there is construction for a new building that drives all the pedestrians through that part of the intersection. This is the traffic equivalent of caveat emptor. Auriga Emptor?
Next: Canadian's Guide to New England - Chapter 3 - Living in History
I’ll say this much and move on. Although I’ve seen people do things on the roads that seem and probably are exceedingly dangerous, New England and particularly Massachusetts has one of the [lowest rate of accidents] per capita in the USA and around the world. So, how y’all figure out how not to hit each other with the things you do whilst driving is rather a mystery to me, but it works.
Terms of Reference - There are, as you might expect, certain cultural differences that need to be understood and internalized. Now, first, a term or three. There are several common terms used to refer to locals. If you are in Massachusetts, the term is [Massholes]. For foreigners (ie/ those born outside New England), Masshole summarizes their (mostly) cheerful smirky aggression and locals use it the same way as proud Red Sox fans cheer on their team.
If you live in Maine, they call themselves Maineiacs. That has a different connotation, you have to be born there to follow. Classically, if a kitten has a litter in the oven, you don’t call them buscuits. Same with local born folks. You aren’t one of them unless you’re born one of them. So, you can understand their viewpoint on driving if you’re from there. And, well, really no other way. It’s pretty up there, but make sure you have daylight if you’re going somewhere you haven’t been to before. Craaaaazy easy to get lost in the more rural areas.
Constant Bumper Chewing - I have this distinct recollection of heading home late one night recently on Highway 2 near the house in Cambridge. It's three lanes there, and there was no other traffic. I'm doing about 80 mph going home, the speed limit is 55, and there is a guy, right behind me, bumper chewing, literally less than two car lengths behind me. Bloody Typical Masshole (see above)! Then, he flicks his lights at me to move over. Here I am, driving at 80 in a 55 zone. Ok ... whatever! I move over. And he shoots by me. A state trooper no less. You see, in Canada, a police officer would be happy to write me a speeding ticket for 80 in a 55 zone. Here, I'm in the way :).
Locals Only Routes - I remember a Massachusetts born and bred fellow named Jim B. from back when I had the delightful experience of living and working in Barbados in 2002/2003. He would take the most absurd back roads to get back to his accommodations, regardless of any seeming rational sense, based in the notion that the route he had discovered saved him several minutes a day each way. It’s particularly funny if you’ve ever been there, since Barbados has been settled as long as Massachusetts and does indeed have some 350 year old paved cow path roads now.
Coming from Canada, and especially from a western prairie city that was laid out post-car, the logical travel routes were always to get on the most major road to get close to the destination, and then on to a series of smaller roads until arrival. At no time did you deliberately take the scenic route, since that was inevitably the slowest.
Enter New England. Pity the folks at Google Maps. They propose a perfectly reasonable route based on this scheme of minor road to major road to minor road, and here are these Locals bounding down these little narrow back roads, trying to avoid two lights and one irksome left turn where no one seems to know how to drive. And you know what? I do it too now. They really aren’t that crazy, now that I See :).
New Rule Rotaries/Traffic Circles - Now, traffic circles, aka roundabouts aka rotaries. For those of you who are familiar with them, in Commonwealth countries, the rules are very simple. If you are in the innermost lane, you can go half way around or three quarters of the way around. If you are in the outermost lane, you can go quarter way around or half way around. You yield to traffic already in the circle, and innermost lane has priority. That way, no one runs into one another. Adjust as necessary for three lobed and five lobed traffic circles. Simple, no?
Near as I can tell, the New England School of Driving teaches one of three randomized techniques for traffic circles. Either you:
- speed up and enter in any lane and exit in any lane (with the liberal use of your horn);
- stop at every quarter of the circle and wave people in ahead of you, or;
- follow all lanes of traffic flow in and out of the traffic circle, blocking lane exits
My particular favorite is watching a flow of traffic where most people turn at the first quarter of the traffic circle, both lanes. How on *earth* do you know not to run each other over? Oh right, you go that way every day. My bad. I've visited 28 countries so far, and I've never seen that rule used before, and never hope to again. Most Canadians would get themselves in an accident if they followed these local rules for traffic circles.
Unheeded Traffic Laws - Another local rule is "anything at 5mph". There is no traffic law that cannot be broken as long as you do it *slowly*. I have personally witnessed backing up on busy highways, turning around in the middle of busy streets, going the wrong way down a one way road and cars going through solidly red lights repeatedly. Cops right there. Going up lawns. Three lane changes with no signals. Everyone waits, goes around or maybe honks their horn. And they go. With waves.
Hyperstrict Parking Rules - Just, whatever you do, don't *park* anywhere you shouldn't. In my neighbourhood, for example, you *must* move your car for street cleaning at least once a month. I must admit, I've never seen the street cleaning machine itself. But I have seen the tow trucks that scoop up vehicles that for whatever reason are still there at 8am on alternating Wednesday and Thursdays, depending on the side of the road you are on. Given how sloppy, uneven and absurdly poor the road maintenance is in many areas, it's insane how huge an amount of time and effort is given the marking the road and curb with lines defining what a parking space is and how long you can be there. Of course, if you need to park for five minutes, hell, just pull up anywhere and put your blinkers on, everyone understands that.
Useless Traffic Signs - Getting lost is a special delight in New England. In many areas, the signage has been specially crippled by master Sign Craftsmen with years of experience to represent the most uninformative message possible. Normally, there is a short message about the condition of concern, a call to action, or an explanation of the behaviour required. Like "Caution: Construction Zone 35 mph". Out of the question in many areas here. My personal favorite is "Thickly Settled", which means this is an area of high density population, and perhaps exhorting you should slow down. Or look out for stupid people?
In urban areas, stop signs in mature areas are hidden sometimes by overgrowth to the point where they are impossible to spot unless you are beside them. And many four way stops cannot be seen at all. Just assume that the signs are there for experienced locals, and use your GPS for all New England navigation. Unless you're in the city, in which case I would recommend walking. Or getting a ride with a local.
Unhelpful City/Town Signs - Each sign here proudly announces the date on which the city or town was founded. Not, mind you, where the center of the city is, or the amenities within, or perhaps even a simple directory of major areas. Just what year it was founded. Fascinating to historians, no doubt, but when I need a quick burger and gas (which could be the same place), I need a bit more information. Sure, I get that the notion of presenting car-friendly signage upon entering a new place is a relatively recent 20th century idea, so it hasn’t had time to percolate through all the local town councils. Perhaps they could just continue escorting people through town with lanterns and let them ask directions?
By the way, under no circumstances should you ask directions of a native New Englander. It is said that our ancient ancestors had very strong [eidetic memory] for locations, presumably as a way of finding food, water and shelter without Google Maps. In this context, it means that Locals can remember a series of spatial-relational steps to find places that they will rattle off to you and make it seem simple to find. It is not. Remember, you will not be able to take a left turn where the post office *used to be*. It is equally unlikely you will spot the sign that says “Beware of Leopard” that has rusted solid onto the fence 30 feet away from where you are supposed to turn right.
What folks do here, in fact, when they want to direct someone to their house, is to post a series of very carefully worded instructions that have stood the test of time. These remain part of the part of the legal deed to the property, so, for older places, just remember to ignore or translate phrases like “turn thy carriage lefte, proceed 250 feet past the gate. Toodle your horn, and wait for the stablemaster to come. Do not leave thy carriage unattended as local moose have a propensity for leather straps”.
Disappearing Lanes - In some urban areas, lanes have been deliberately marked with disappearing ink. You'll be driving along, and suddenly, NoLaneMergeLeftNow!! Idiot, you missed it. Crunch, screech, g’wan! Everyone else will generally deal with this well. You can always spot the tourists, timidly edging forward, a long line of traffic behind them and everyone looking as they shoot by. When two lanes merge, you will be used to each line of traffic quietly interleaving one at a time. Any space larger than a shopping cart in front of you will invite hyper-aggressive darting by the next car in line. No one will "wait their turn" as you might expect. Several places I know have a two lane to two lane merge with no signage or lane markers of any kind.
Bizarre Traffic Lights - You're at a red light, turning left. In some cases, the traffic lights will go solid green and yet people behind you are honking. The traffic in the other lane does not go, and yet there is no turn signal. You've run into the Special Locals light. You're supposed to know, Because Everyone Does, that you can turn there, across traffic, because they have a red light still. No left turn advance. Just go. Would it be so hard to just put up a turn signal like everyone else?
Oh, by the way, you'll run across some true cultural oddities here. Some signs will direct you to only turn left or right in separate stages, or only turn left when the left turn advance is lit rather than any time it is safe. And, please, seriously, No Turn on Red. There are in fact several traffic lights near my house which defy all logic. Here’s but one small example.
In Davis Square, right over by where the Someday Café used to be (woo hoo, I am a junior New Englander!), you will find yourself in the middle of a five way intersection with a green light, crossing a lane of traffic who also ... has a green light. And pedestrians who cross without looking. And to really ball it up, there is construction for a new building that drives all the pedestrians through that part of the intersection. This is the traffic equivalent of caveat emptor. Auriga Emptor?
Next: Canadian's Guide to New England - Chapter 3 - Living in History