That Perfect Girl Is Gone: Mai-centric A:TLA Song Fic
Disclaimer: Italicized lyrics from the song “Let It Go” from Disney’s Frozen.
She knew by the way Zuko looked at her that she had broken the rules. For the first time in her life, she had neglected her training and let all the pain and anger she was supposed to hide show in her eyes. It was only for a second, but it was enough. He had seen the shock, the hurt, the fury, the hint of sarcastic amusement at his recklessness in her gaze, and he ran from her in the agony of determination not to let it hold him back.
She didn’t call for help. She had to compose herself first. Keeping her back turned on the guard behind her, still struggling to his feet, she leaned her forehead against the door of the cell, pressed her hands against the cold metal surface, and breathed slowly. Get it together, Mai, she ordered herself. She had to be calm when they found her. She couldn’t let anyone know what the thought of losing the rebel prince was doing to her. Her uncle and Azula were somewhere in this building; if either of them saw anything suspicious, she was doomed. She had to be ready to face them with her mask of unruffled boredom, to show them the indifferent, obedient niece, ally, and Fire Nation patriot they expected. It should be easy - she’d had years of practice.
The words her mother, father, and army of tutors (but mostly her mother) had drilled into her all her life instinctively replayed in her mind:
Don’t let them in
Don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal
Don’t feel
Don’t let them know
They were surrounded by enemies who would seize any opportunity to take advantage of them, who were constantly on the lookout for weaknesses that could be used against them, for weapons that could knock them down a rung or two on the social ladder - so her mother taught her. Give no one weapons to use against you. Nothing mattered except making a good impression on their peers and superiors, gaining the right people’s approval and envy; status and popularity were everything. Give them the show they want to see, and you’ll be rewarded; hide what shouldn’t be seen, or you’ll be destroyed. Say and do whatever is expected - ignore whatever you really feel. Keep everything you think, feel, love, hate - all thought, all opinions, all desires - hidden where no one will find them.
Conceal it
Don’t feel it
Don’t let it show
Conceal, don’t feel; Conceal, don’t feel. Conceal, don’t feel... Mai had learned her mother’s lessons well - as a child, she never had any reason not to. Obeying meant less nagging to endure; it was easier to repress her emotions and go along with whatever her parents demanded than to fight it. She was bored to death by the rules of social etiquette and political maneuvering, but she didn’t question them. Not until she grew up.
For a companion of Princess Azula, concealing your true thoughts, opinions, and desires wasn’t just a matter of life and death socially but literally. Any betrayal of emotion on Mai’s part would have been a weapon Azula could use against her or Zuko. She couldn’t remove her armor of indifference even for a second, not for anybody. Conceal, don’t feel.
When Ty Lee tried to comfort her after Zuko’s banishment, Mai pushed her away. She couldn’t appear to need it. Don’t let them in...
When Azula teased her about it, probing for a wound, she never found one. Don’t let them see...
When her parents reminded her how important it was to conduct herself well so they could find her another match, she didn’t disappoint them. As far as they could tell, she cared no more about her former fiancé than they did. The only way to ensure her privacy was to be the model of propriety they wanted, to give them no suspicion of anything they would disapprove of, no reason to harangue her about improper feelings. Be the good girl you always have to be...
It wasn’t safe to drop the mask after Zuko returned. He was still in danger, and that meant she was, too. Conceal, don’t feel...
She could tell her frigidity hurt him, that he believed she cared as little about him as she pretended to, that she kept her distance from him because she wanted to. He bought her act even better than her parents and Azula did. “At least I feel something, as opposed to you! You have no passion for anything!” He didn’t know it was a matter of survival, that she couldn’t let him draw her out of her shell, no matter how hard he tried. Don’t let them know...
“I wish you would be high-strung and crazy for once, instead of keeping all your feelings bottled up inside!” He didn’t understand she was just trying to protect him.
“Why do shut me out? Why do you shut the world out? What are you so afraid of?!”
This, Mai silently answered him now. She knew there was no way her uncle would let them leave this prison alive. He had survived so much, come so far, come back to her, only to get himself killed. She couldn’t lose him like this, not after everything they’d been through! She pounded hard once on the door in frustration. The sound seemed to bring the stunned guard to his senses. He stopped rubbing the side of his head that had hit the floor after she threw him, ran to the door, and started banging on it and pulling at the handle, calling for someone to let them out, prisoners were escaping!
A female guard finally unlocked the door and released them. The guard her uncle had sent to protect her immediately began explaining. Neither of them questioned the warden’s niece as she walked away without a word. When Mai noticed the corridors were empty (everyone must be outside trying to contain the riot), Mai broke into a run, careful not to let her urgency or her worry show in her face. Conceal, don’t feel. Now was not time to lose control.
One thought burned in her mind as she raced up the stairs to the top level: She had to save him. But how? There was no way she could maintain her facade and save the traitor prince at the same time. If she helped him at all, her secret would be out. She was almost to the top of the prison. She was running out of time to come up with a plan. There had to be a way. Fighting out in the open, revealing everything she’d kept hidden for so long, went against every instinct, every impulse, everything she had ever been trained to do, every rule she had ever lived by:
Don’t let them in
Don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
She reached the platform, saw the gondola hovering over the boiling water, the guards sawing away at the cord. Her fingers itched to throw her knives, but her conditioning held her back.
Conceal
Don’t feel
Don’t let them know...
Everyone would know - her love, her true loyalties, her deception. To save him now would be to declare herself a traitor to her country, an enemy of the vicious princess Azula. If she took the mask off now, there would be no putting it back on. So be it!
She ran forward, unsheathed the knife, took aim, and let it fly.
Well, now they know!
All her anger at him and fear for him seemed to vanish with that first motion, swallowed up by one emotion that consumed every fiber of her being as she prepared to fight for him: elation. The joy and excitement of getting to be herself at last.
Let it go
Let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
There was no going back to her old life after this. If she survived, she knew she had still closed the door on her past and all the people in it forever, but she didn’t care.
Let it go
Let it go
Turn away and slam the door
Let her family disown her. Let them call her a traitor to her people, a disgrace to her gender. It didn’t matter.
I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on...
The storm of emotions she had suppressed for so long was unleashed in an unstoppable barrage of knives, stars, and stilettos. She almost laughed as they kept trying to stop her. It seemed impossible to her that they could think they had a chance! Here and now, she knew she was invincible. She feared nothing, neither her opponents, nor revealing her true self. She wasn’t afraid of what they saw or what she showed now. She seemed to have left all her inhibitions back in the Fire Nation, along with her old life.
It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all
She had never felt so powerful. Fighting had never felt so invigorating, so exciting, so... there was no other word for it - fun! This was neither an act of treachery nor heroism. It was just a challenge she wanted to overcome, a test of skill she wanted to pass. And it felt so good!
It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
She knew how her family, friends (correction - friend), people, everyone would see her actions today. She was done worrying about what others thought of her. She was through with their war, their Fire Lord, their goals, their enemies. She would fight for what she wanted and nothing else.
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free
For the first time she could remember, she was free. To be who she truly was, fight for what she truly wanted, and love whom she truly loved. No more secrets, no more restraint.
Let it go
Let it go
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn
She had never felt prouder. She never knew how strong she was.
Let it go
Let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Every soldier she defeated looked more stunned than the next. When it was over and she was surrounded but unharmed, they still looked stunned. They stared at her as if expecting something from her - a “Gotcha!” and a playful wink, an imposter pulling off a wig and wiping away expertly convincing makeup, her eyes glazing over as she asked them weakly what just happened while she’d been drugged or sleepwalking or brainwashed, a plea for mercy, or an attempt to run. She said nothing, making no excuses. She stood still, not resisting when two held her by her arms and shoulders. She faced them all unabashed at their accusing glares. Including the princess. Let them stare! Let them all see her true nature! This was her true self, and she unashamed to show it to the world!
Here I stand
In the light of day
She saw the murderous fury building up behind Azula’s icy glare. She held her gaze without flinching. Azula’s eyes spoke of helpless confusion and blind rage; hers said, Do your worst! Victory was mine today!
Let the storm rage on
She prepared to meet Azula’s lightning blast with her last weapon, almost grinning as she braced herself for the strike. Go ahead, she thought, unafraid to go down fighting. The heat never bothered me anyway...
She knew by the way Zuko looked at her that she had broken the rules. For the first time in her life, she had neglected her training and let all the pain and anger she was supposed to hide show in her eyes. It was only for a second, but it was enough. He had seen the shock, the hurt, the fury, the hint of sarcastic amusement at his recklessness in her gaze, and he ran from her in the agony of determination not to let it hold him back.
She didn’t call for help. She had to compose herself first. Keeping her back turned on the guard behind her, still struggling to his feet, she leaned her forehead against the door of the cell, pressed her hands against the cold metal surface, and breathed slowly. Get it together, Mai, she ordered herself. She had to be calm when they found her. She couldn’t let anyone know what the thought of losing the rebel prince was doing to her. Her uncle and Azula were somewhere in this building; if either of them saw anything suspicious, she was doomed. She had to be ready to face them with her mask of unruffled boredom, to show them the indifferent, obedient niece, ally, and Fire Nation patriot they expected. It should be easy - she’d had years of practice.
The words her mother, father, and army of tutors (but mostly her mother) had drilled into her all her life instinctively replayed in her mind:
Don’t let them in
Don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal
Don’t feel
Don’t let them know
They were surrounded by enemies who would seize any opportunity to take advantage of them, who were constantly on the lookout for weaknesses that could be used against them, for weapons that could knock them down a rung or two on the social ladder - so her mother taught her. Give no one weapons to use against you. Nothing mattered except making a good impression on their peers and superiors, gaining the right people’s approval and envy; status and popularity were everything. Give them the show they want to see, and you’ll be rewarded; hide what shouldn’t be seen, or you’ll be destroyed. Say and do whatever is expected - ignore whatever you really feel. Keep everything you think, feel, love, hate - all thought, all opinions, all desires - hidden where no one will find them.
Conceal it
Don’t feel it
Don’t let it show
Conceal, don’t feel; Conceal, don’t feel. Conceal, don’t feel... Mai had learned her mother’s lessons well - as a child, she never had any reason not to. Obeying meant less nagging to endure; it was easier to repress her emotions and go along with whatever her parents demanded than to fight it. She was bored to death by the rules of social etiquette and political maneuvering, but she didn’t question them. Not until she grew up.
For a companion of Princess Azula, concealing your true thoughts, opinions, and desires wasn’t just a matter of life and death socially but literally. Any betrayal of emotion on Mai’s part would have been a weapon Azula could use against her or Zuko. She couldn’t remove her armor of indifference even for a second, not for anybody. Conceal, don’t feel.
When Ty Lee tried to comfort her after Zuko’s banishment, Mai pushed her away. She couldn’t appear to need it. Don’t let them in...
When Azula teased her about it, probing for a wound, she never found one. Don’t let them see...
When her parents reminded her how important it was to conduct herself well so they could find her another match, she didn’t disappoint them. As far as they could tell, she cared no more about her former fiancé than they did. The only way to ensure her privacy was to be the model of propriety they wanted, to give them no suspicion of anything they would disapprove of, no reason to harangue her about improper feelings. Be the good girl you always have to be...
It wasn’t safe to drop the mask after Zuko returned. He was still in danger, and that meant she was, too. Conceal, don’t feel...
She could tell her frigidity hurt him, that he believed she cared as little about him as she pretended to, that she kept her distance from him because she wanted to. He bought her act even better than her parents and Azula did. “At least I feel something, as opposed to you! You have no passion for anything!” He didn’t know it was a matter of survival, that she couldn’t let him draw her out of her shell, no matter how hard he tried. Don’t let them know...
“I wish you would be high-strung and crazy for once, instead of keeping all your feelings bottled up inside!” He didn’t understand she was just trying to protect him.
“Why do shut me out? Why do you shut the world out? What are you so afraid of?!”
This, Mai silently answered him now. She knew there was no way her uncle would let them leave this prison alive. He had survived so much, come so far, come back to her, only to get himself killed. She couldn’t lose him like this, not after everything they’d been through! She pounded hard once on the door in frustration. The sound seemed to bring the stunned guard to his senses. He stopped rubbing the side of his head that had hit the floor after she threw him, ran to the door, and started banging on it and pulling at the handle, calling for someone to let them out, prisoners were escaping!
A female guard finally unlocked the door and released them. The guard her uncle had sent to protect her immediately began explaining. Neither of them questioned the warden’s niece as she walked away without a word. When Mai noticed the corridors were empty (everyone must be outside trying to contain the riot), Mai broke into a run, careful not to let her urgency or her worry show in her face. Conceal, don’t feel. Now was not time to lose control.
One thought burned in her mind as she raced up the stairs to the top level: She had to save him. But how? There was no way she could maintain her facade and save the traitor prince at the same time. If she helped him at all, her secret would be out. She was almost to the top of the prison. She was running out of time to come up with a plan. There had to be a way. Fighting out in the open, revealing everything she’d kept hidden for so long, went against every instinct, every impulse, everything she had ever been trained to do, every rule she had ever lived by:
Don’t let them in
Don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
She reached the platform, saw the gondola hovering over the boiling water, the guards sawing away at the cord. Her fingers itched to throw her knives, but her conditioning held her back.
Conceal
Don’t feel
Don’t let them know...
Everyone would know - her love, her true loyalties, her deception. To save him now would be to declare herself a traitor to her country, an enemy of the vicious princess Azula. If she took the mask off now, there would be no putting it back on. So be it!
She ran forward, unsheathed the knife, took aim, and let it fly.
Well, now they know!
All her anger at him and fear for him seemed to vanish with that first motion, swallowed up by one emotion that consumed every fiber of her being as she prepared to fight for him: elation. The joy and excitement of getting to be herself at last.
Let it go
Let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
There was no going back to her old life after this. If she survived, she knew she had still closed the door on her past and all the people in it forever, but she didn’t care.
Let it go
Let it go
Turn away and slam the door
Let her family disown her. Let them call her a traitor to her people, a disgrace to her gender. It didn’t matter.
I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on...
The storm of emotions she had suppressed for so long was unleashed in an unstoppable barrage of knives, stars, and stilettos. She almost laughed as they kept trying to stop her. It seemed impossible to her that they could think they had a chance! Here and now, she knew she was invincible. She feared nothing, neither her opponents, nor revealing her true self. She wasn’t afraid of what they saw or what she showed now. She seemed to have left all her inhibitions back in the Fire Nation, along with her old life.
It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all
She had never felt so powerful. Fighting had never felt so invigorating, so exciting, so... there was no other word for it - fun! This was neither an act of treachery nor heroism. It was just a challenge she wanted to overcome, a test of skill she wanted to pass. And it felt so good!
It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
She knew how her family, friends (correction - friend), people, everyone would see her actions today. She was done worrying about what others thought of her. She was through with their war, their Fire Lord, their goals, their enemies. She would fight for what she wanted and nothing else.
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free
For the first time she could remember, she was free. To be who she truly was, fight for what she truly wanted, and love whom she truly loved. No more secrets, no more restraint.
Let it go
Let it go
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn
She had never felt prouder. She never knew how strong she was.
Let it go
Let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Every soldier she defeated looked more stunned than the next. When it was over and she was surrounded but unharmed, they still looked stunned. They stared at her as if expecting something from her - a “Gotcha!” and a playful wink, an imposter pulling off a wig and wiping away expertly convincing makeup, her eyes glazing over as she asked them weakly what just happened while she’d been drugged or sleepwalking or brainwashed, a plea for mercy, or an attempt to run. She said nothing, making no excuses. She stood still, not resisting when two held her by her arms and shoulders. She faced them all unabashed at their accusing glares. Including the princess. Let them stare! Let them all see her true nature! This was her true self, and she unashamed to show it to the world!
Here I stand
In the light of day
She saw the murderous fury building up behind Azula’s icy glare. She held her gaze without flinching. Azula’s eyes spoke of helpless confusion and blind rage; hers said, Do your worst! Victory was mine today!
Let the storm rage on
She prepared to meet Azula’s lightning blast with her last weapon, almost grinning as she braced herself for the strike. Go ahead, she thought, unafraid to go down fighting. The heat never bothered me anyway...