Comfort In Your Skin - J2 - NC17 - 8/?
Title: Comfort In Your Skin
Author: jeyhawk
Pairings/Characters: Jared/Jensen, Michael Rosenbaum, Tom Welling, Jeffrey Dean Morgan and others.
Rating: Overall NC17
Category: Romance, Angst, AU
Summary: Jared and Jensen negotiates the boundaries of their new relationship.
Disclaimer: I don't know them, own them or make any money from them. This is just a bunch of inventive lies.
Warnings: Dark themes (rape, abuse, self harm)! All in the past but they inpact the present.
Betas: jellicle and ames1010! You rock ladies!
Notes: This is the second installment in the Emo!Jared verse, following directly after Settling Into Now. Emo!Jared is back in business! ;0P
Chapter Specific Note: I'm sorry this took me so insanely long. *g* This is for deej1957 who never gave up on emo!jared and was even gracious enough to buy me for Sweet Charity and poke me to finish the fic. ;0)
Your handy guide to the emo!jared verse
Banner by the lovely titheniel
Chapter Eight
Introducing Jensen to his mom was a lot easier than Jared would ever have imagined and the two of them seemed to hit it off pretty well, given the circumstances. His mom seemed to be about as moved as he was that Jensen had taken the time to fly out and see him. And watching the two of them together, something settled inside of Jared.
It was like up until now he’d had two lives, one in Angel City with Jensen, Mike and Tom, and one back here with his parents and a million bad memories. Having those two lives merge into one was like lifting a weight off his shoulders and suddenly Jared could relax.
Maria, the therapist, had pointed out to him many times that his new life would only be worth so much if he never brought it into his old life, but he’d never really believed her until now. Seeing Jensen with his mom settled something inside him, made him feel safe, loved. They both looked at him with the same kind of worry, but it didn’t feel stifling. It was okay that they worried about him, because he knew he would be fine.
After a couple of hours, his dad started to show signs of waking up and Amy came in to gently, but firmly, shoo Jensen out, saying that the doctors wouldn’t want too many people around. Jared's mom told Jared to go with him and promised that she would call if anything changed.
Jared didn’t want to leave, not when his dad was stretched out in a hospital bed fighting for his life, but it was getting late and the emotional roller coaster of the day had him feeling tired and drained. He would go back to the hospital in the morning and send his mom home to get some rest.
He gave his mom a hug and kissed her cheek, his heart swelling in his chest when Jensen did the same thing, getting a big, tired smile and a hair ruffle for his trouble. After giving his dad a careful hug, he followed Jensen out of the room, looking back one last time at the tired slump of his mother’s shoulders and his father’s pale face.
They didn’t speak on their way out, walking side-by-side, close enough to touch, but without doing so. It felt odd, surreal, to have Jensen by his side and every now and then he shot a look at him, just to see that he was still there. He was surprised to find it was dark outside, but since it was well after midnight, he supposed he should have figured.
Jensen took off towards the car and Jared trailed after, panic welling up inside of him when Jensen disappeared behind a huge SUV. He stopped, taking deep calming breaths, trying to tell himself Jensen was still there, still close, wouldn’t leave him behind. The darkness closed in on him, enveloping him and pawing at him with filthy shadow fingers. Every breath was more of a struggle than the last, and his heart banged hard against his ribcage.
Then Jensen was there, gentle hands cupping his face, thumbs stroking his cheekbones, before one hand slid down his arm and curled around his wrist.
“I’m sorry,” Jensen whispered, rubbing his fingers over Jared's scar. “I thought you were right behind me.”
Jared gulped in a breath, then another one, forcing oxygen into his lungs. He moved closer, pressing his face into Jensen's neck, breathing in his safe, familiar scent until his heart stopped racing and the panic subsided.
“It’s worse here,” he murmured against Jensen's skin. “The dark… it’s darker.”
Jensen hummed, bringing Jared's hand to his chest. “You okay now?”
“Yeah.” Jared lifted his head and looked around, the dark no longer seemed as dark.
Jensen kept his hold of Jared's wrist the entire way to the car, making sure that Jared got in alright before walking around the car and sliding into the driver’s seat. Jared looked down on his hands, feeling stupid and pathetic. He was stronger now, not as afraid of the dark, less irrational.
Jensen patted his thigh before sliding the key into the ignition, as if he could hear Jared's thoughts. He didn’t start the car, though, just sat there with his hand on the key.
“Why did they stay here?” Jensen asked. “In this town, where everything happened. Why didn’t they just take you and move somewhere else?”
Jared shrugged, looking out the window. “When they got me back… I couldn’t have cared less where we lived, and they had their lives here… family, friends…” He shrugged again, feeling uneasy.
Jensen started the car and Jared looked over at him. He’d never seen Jensen behind the wheel before. He knew Jensen sometimes borrowed Mike's car, but he’d never actually seen him drive. A thrill went through him when Jensen moved his hand to the stick, putting the car in reverse and backing out. He never knew Jensen could drive stick and his hands looked strong and competent, moving from the stick to the wheel and back again.
After that he couldn’t stop looking, growing uncomfortably hard as Jensen manoeuvred the car, murmuring instructions every now and then, and without even thinking about it, directing Jensen to take the long way back to his parents’ house.
He traced his eyes over Jensen's knuckles, his strong fingers, over the finely boned ridges of his hand, up to his wrist and back down again. Suddenly, he wanted Jensen to touch him, wanted those hands on his skin, manipulating him with the same easy confidence as Jensen drove the car.
He let his eyes slide lower, linger on the way Jensen's muscles bunched and relaxed under the worn denim of his jeans as he moved his feet between gas, brake and clutch. Shifting in his seat, he tore his gaze away, staring out the window at the lights rushing past.
Kissing Jensen turned him on and sometimes just looking at him did, too. He always thought of Jensen when jerking off, but he’d never before felt this need to be touched by him. He wondered if this was how he was supposed to feel the entire time, if this was what real desire was like.
“When you look at me,” he said, still staring out the window, “do you want me to touch you?”
“How do you mean?” Jensen asked. “Is it left here?”
“Next street, and I don’t know. I just… I was just thinking.”
He felt stupid for asking; what kind of question was that, really? Jensen didn’t say anything, taking the next turn left and stopping in the driveway of the house Jared indicated. A simple two-story brick house with a well kept garden and a garage with room for two cars.
“Yeah,” Jensen said when he turned the car off. “Yeah, I think about you touching me. I mean, not all the time, but sometimes I look at you and I just want to scream ‘touch me, god damn it.’”
Jared smiled, staring at the garden gnome that had somehow ended up on the lawn. Since when were his parents gnome people? He felt weird, like his skin was too tight and his stomach tied up in knots. He just couldn’t stop thinking about Jensen's hands on his skin, touching, caressing.
“Jared?” Jensen inquired. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” Jared said, exhaling slowly. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
Jensen's slight hum told Jared that Jensen hadn’t believed a word he just said, but he didn’t call Jared on it. To avoid further conversation, Jared slid out of the car, closing the door behind him. He was tired of being a head case, of people always asking him if he was all right. He was tired of being scared of everything and constantly feeling like he wasn’t enough.
Jensen was there, had taken the time to fly out to San Antonio to show Jared how much he cared - to be there for him when he needed it. Jensen loved him. Jared stopped dead in his tracks, half way to the front door, and Jensen walked right into him.
“You love me,” he said out loud.
“Huh?” Jensen questioned, sounding confused.
“You love me.” Jared grinned. “You love me even though I’m not perfect. Despite my scars and my fucks up and all the stupid shit I carry around with me. You love me.”
He spun around and Jensen gave him a slightly nervous smile.
“You love me,” Jared said again, grinning from ear to ear. He finally got it, why he was feeling so wired and weird, why he couldn’t stop looking at Jensen's hands and wanting them to touch him. It was all falling into place.
Jensen blinked, grinning back at him. “You got that just now? It’s been hours since I said it, you know?”
“Yeah, I just… Yeah.” He tilted his head to the side, just looking at Jensen - the freckles over the bridge of his nose, his stupidly long eyelashes, the sinful curve of his mouth, and for the first time, he really allowed himself to want.
Jensen reached up and put a hand on his cheek. “I love you,” he said, soft and serious, staring straight into Jared's eyes. “I don’t care about your past, your scars or your fears. I just want you.”
Jared closed his eyes against the surge of happy, want, need, love, pulling Jensen into his arms and hugging him so hard, his ribs ought to be creaking. Jensen didn’t complain, though, he just hugged back, just as hard, and Jared knew that somehow in the midst of all the misery, the two of them had just taken a huge step forward.
TBC...
Author: jeyhawk
Pairings/Characters: Jared/Jensen, Michael Rosenbaum, Tom Welling, Jeffrey Dean Morgan and others.
Rating: Overall NC17
Category: Romance, Angst, AU
Summary: Jared and Jensen negotiates the boundaries of their new relationship.
Disclaimer: I don't know them, own them or make any money from them. This is just a bunch of inventive lies.
Warnings: Dark themes (rape, abuse, self harm)! All in the past but they inpact the present.
Betas: jellicle and ames1010! You rock ladies!
Notes: This is the second installment in the Emo!Jared verse, following directly after Settling Into Now. Emo!Jared is back in business! ;0P
Chapter Specific Note: I'm sorry this took me so insanely long. *g* This is for deej1957 who never gave up on emo!jared and was even gracious enough to buy me for Sweet Charity and poke me to finish the fic. ;0)
Your handy guide to the emo!jared verse
Banner by the lovely titheniel
Chapter Eight
Introducing Jensen to his mom was a lot easier than Jared would ever have imagined and the two of them seemed to hit it off pretty well, given the circumstances. His mom seemed to be about as moved as he was that Jensen had taken the time to fly out and see him. And watching the two of them together, something settled inside of Jared.
It was like up until now he’d had two lives, one in Angel City with Jensen, Mike and Tom, and one back here with his parents and a million bad memories. Having those two lives merge into one was like lifting a weight off his shoulders and suddenly Jared could relax.
Maria, the therapist, had pointed out to him many times that his new life would only be worth so much if he never brought it into his old life, but he’d never really believed her until now. Seeing Jensen with his mom settled something inside him, made him feel safe, loved. They both looked at him with the same kind of worry, but it didn’t feel stifling. It was okay that they worried about him, because he knew he would be fine.
After a couple of hours, his dad started to show signs of waking up and Amy came in to gently, but firmly, shoo Jensen out, saying that the doctors wouldn’t want too many people around. Jared's mom told Jared to go with him and promised that she would call if anything changed.
Jared didn’t want to leave, not when his dad was stretched out in a hospital bed fighting for his life, but it was getting late and the emotional roller coaster of the day had him feeling tired and drained. He would go back to the hospital in the morning and send his mom home to get some rest.
He gave his mom a hug and kissed her cheek, his heart swelling in his chest when Jensen did the same thing, getting a big, tired smile and a hair ruffle for his trouble. After giving his dad a careful hug, he followed Jensen out of the room, looking back one last time at the tired slump of his mother’s shoulders and his father’s pale face.
They didn’t speak on their way out, walking side-by-side, close enough to touch, but without doing so. It felt odd, surreal, to have Jensen by his side and every now and then he shot a look at him, just to see that he was still there. He was surprised to find it was dark outside, but since it was well after midnight, he supposed he should have figured.
Jensen took off towards the car and Jared trailed after, panic welling up inside of him when Jensen disappeared behind a huge SUV. He stopped, taking deep calming breaths, trying to tell himself Jensen was still there, still close, wouldn’t leave him behind. The darkness closed in on him, enveloping him and pawing at him with filthy shadow fingers. Every breath was more of a struggle than the last, and his heart banged hard against his ribcage.
Then Jensen was there, gentle hands cupping his face, thumbs stroking his cheekbones, before one hand slid down his arm and curled around his wrist.
“I’m sorry,” Jensen whispered, rubbing his fingers over Jared's scar. “I thought you were right behind me.”
Jared gulped in a breath, then another one, forcing oxygen into his lungs. He moved closer, pressing his face into Jensen's neck, breathing in his safe, familiar scent until his heart stopped racing and the panic subsided.
“It’s worse here,” he murmured against Jensen's skin. “The dark… it’s darker.”
Jensen hummed, bringing Jared's hand to his chest. “You okay now?”
“Yeah.” Jared lifted his head and looked around, the dark no longer seemed as dark.
Jensen kept his hold of Jared's wrist the entire way to the car, making sure that Jared got in alright before walking around the car and sliding into the driver’s seat. Jared looked down on his hands, feeling stupid and pathetic. He was stronger now, not as afraid of the dark, less irrational.
Jensen patted his thigh before sliding the key into the ignition, as if he could hear Jared's thoughts. He didn’t start the car, though, just sat there with his hand on the key.
“Why did they stay here?” Jensen asked. “In this town, where everything happened. Why didn’t they just take you and move somewhere else?”
Jared shrugged, looking out the window. “When they got me back… I couldn’t have cared less where we lived, and they had their lives here… family, friends…” He shrugged again, feeling uneasy.
Jensen started the car and Jared looked over at him. He’d never seen Jensen behind the wheel before. He knew Jensen sometimes borrowed Mike's car, but he’d never actually seen him drive. A thrill went through him when Jensen moved his hand to the stick, putting the car in reverse and backing out. He never knew Jensen could drive stick and his hands looked strong and competent, moving from the stick to the wheel and back again.
After that he couldn’t stop looking, growing uncomfortably hard as Jensen manoeuvred the car, murmuring instructions every now and then, and without even thinking about it, directing Jensen to take the long way back to his parents’ house.
He traced his eyes over Jensen's knuckles, his strong fingers, over the finely boned ridges of his hand, up to his wrist and back down again. Suddenly, he wanted Jensen to touch him, wanted those hands on his skin, manipulating him with the same easy confidence as Jensen drove the car.
He let his eyes slide lower, linger on the way Jensen's muscles bunched and relaxed under the worn denim of his jeans as he moved his feet between gas, brake and clutch. Shifting in his seat, he tore his gaze away, staring out the window at the lights rushing past.
Kissing Jensen turned him on and sometimes just looking at him did, too. He always thought of Jensen when jerking off, but he’d never before felt this need to be touched by him. He wondered if this was how he was supposed to feel the entire time, if this was what real desire was like.
“When you look at me,” he said, still staring out the window, “do you want me to touch you?”
“How do you mean?” Jensen asked. “Is it left here?”
“Next street, and I don’t know. I just… I was just thinking.”
He felt stupid for asking; what kind of question was that, really? Jensen didn’t say anything, taking the next turn left and stopping in the driveway of the house Jared indicated. A simple two-story brick house with a well kept garden and a garage with room for two cars.
“Yeah,” Jensen said when he turned the car off. “Yeah, I think about you touching me. I mean, not all the time, but sometimes I look at you and I just want to scream ‘touch me, god damn it.’”
Jared smiled, staring at the garden gnome that had somehow ended up on the lawn. Since when were his parents gnome people? He felt weird, like his skin was too tight and his stomach tied up in knots. He just couldn’t stop thinking about Jensen's hands on his skin, touching, caressing.
“Jared?” Jensen inquired. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” Jared said, exhaling slowly. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
Jensen's slight hum told Jared that Jensen hadn’t believed a word he just said, but he didn’t call Jared on it. To avoid further conversation, Jared slid out of the car, closing the door behind him. He was tired of being a head case, of people always asking him if he was all right. He was tired of being scared of everything and constantly feeling like he wasn’t enough.
Jensen was there, had taken the time to fly out to San Antonio to show Jared how much he cared - to be there for him when he needed it. Jensen loved him. Jared stopped dead in his tracks, half way to the front door, and Jensen walked right into him.
“You love me,” he said out loud.
“Huh?” Jensen questioned, sounding confused.
“You love me.” Jared grinned. “You love me even though I’m not perfect. Despite my scars and my fucks up and all the stupid shit I carry around with me. You love me.”
He spun around and Jensen gave him a slightly nervous smile.
“You love me,” Jared said again, grinning from ear to ear. He finally got it, why he was feeling so wired and weird, why he couldn’t stop looking at Jensen's hands and wanting them to touch him. It was all falling into place.
Jensen blinked, grinning back at him. “You got that just now? It’s been hours since I said it, you know?”
“Yeah, I just… Yeah.” He tilted his head to the side, just looking at Jensen - the freckles over the bridge of his nose, his stupidly long eyelashes, the sinful curve of his mouth, and for the first time, he really allowed himself to want.
Jensen reached up and put a hand on his cheek. “I love you,” he said, soft and serious, staring straight into Jared's eyes. “I don’t care about your past, your scars or your fears. I just want you.”
Jared closed his eyes against the surge of happy, want, need, love, pulling Jensen into his arms and hugging him so hard, his ribs ought to be creaking. Jensen didn’t complain, though, he just hugged back, just as hard, and Jared knew that somehow in the midst of all the misery, the two of them had just taken a huge step forward.
TBC...