AU FIC: Settling Into Now 9/12
Title: Settling Into Now
Author: jeyhawk
Pairings/Characters: Jared/Jensen, Michael Rosenbaum, Tom Welling, Jeffrey Dean Morgan and others.
Rating: Overall NC17
Category: Romance, Angst, AU
Word Count: 23 576 (for the entire series)
Summary: Going to college in a new town, far away from home, Jared finds friends and maybe more, but he also realizes that you can't hide your past forever.
Disclaimer: I don't know them, own them or make any money from them. This is just a bunch of inventive lies.
Warnings: Dark themes (rape, abuse, self harm)! All in the past but they inpact the present.
Betas: clex_monkie89, soar38 and mesnica. Thanks ladies! (As you understand with that gaggle of helpful people all remaining mistakes are totally my own).
Notes: This fic introduces emo!Jared, a kid with a bagful of bad memories and loads of issues. *pets him* He showed up in my brain one night and forced me to write down 23 000 words in a little over a week. *g* I wish he'd been around when I did NaNo last year. I would have finished in two weeks. ;0P This story deals with a lot of dark themes, but mostly it's a story about love and you know, Rosenbaum's in it, so it's even funny sometimes. :0) Settling Into Now is finshed, but will be posted in parts to give me time to write the next installment and to give my betas time to beat it into shape.
Chapter specific notes: HAPPY EASTER!This will probably be the last chapter for a week because I'm going out of town and I don't think I'll have access to the internet while I'm gone.
Previous chapters can be found here.
Missing scene set after the end of Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Six weeks later
Jared hated Halloween, hated it with a passion that knew no bounds. His journey to Hell had started on Halloween fittingly enough; he’d been dressed up like a silly skeleton, going to some party with his friends. He’d just turned thirteen, happy and carefree like thirteen year olds should be. The party in itself had turned to a blur of familiar faces in his mind, but he remembered being pissed off about something and going outside to get some fresh air.
His next memory was later; he didn’t know how much later. He’d woken up tied to a dirty bed in a dark room. A sharp chemical taste had been on his tongue and his head had felt thick, like it had been stuffed with something. He hadn’t been afraid then, just confused, his mind still muddled by whatever he’d been sedated with, but he’d known deep down that he was in really big trouble.
“You sure you don’t want to come to the party tonight?” Jensen asked, looking up from where he was stitching together two pieces of cloth for Mike’s costume.
“Yeah,” Jared said tightly, the decorations put up all over the room already freaking him out. This was his safe haven and now they were turning into the stuff of nightmares. He vividly remembered the fake pumpkin that had been on the nightstand, a sick mind’s attempt of putting a scared kid at ease, and the skeleton on the wall that hadn’t been taken down until months later.
“I think I’ll just go downstairs,” he said, biting his lip.
Jensen looked up, concern showing on his face. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” Jared lied, pressing his right thumbnail against his left hand, almost hard enough to break the skin, in an attempt to focus. He regretted not taking his mother up on the offer to come home for a few days, but he’d thought he’d be able to deal better than this.
“I’ll walk you downstairs,” Jensen said, putting his sewing project down.
“You don’t have to coddle me,” Jared said stubbornly.
“And you don’t have to be an idiot,” Jensen countered.
Jared huffed but he didn’t protest. Shamed as he was to admit it, he might actually need Jensen’s company to make it back to his room without freaking out over something. They walked downstairs side by side, Jensen making sure to bump their shoulders every once in a while to remind Jared that he was still there. Jared hated the fact that he needed it, needed Jensen so much, but he didn’t say anything.
His crush on the other man had only deepened over the weeks that had passed since that night in Haven and now it was a constant longing ache. He wanted Jensen with every fiber of his being, yet he was way too scared to act on it, even if he sometimes got the feeling that Jensen might be interested.
They almost ran into Chad who came out of his room dressed in boxers and a pair of clogs. Jared noticed the clogs even though he had his heart in his throat with nervous energy.
“Jay, Jen,” he said by way of greeting before continuing down the corridor with an awkward shuffling kind of walk.
They exchanged a look and Jensen shook his head. “I worry about that boy,” he said.
Jared smiled slightly and nodded, relieved that they were only feet away from his door. He took the last few steps in a brisk stride and pushed the door open, only to stop dead in the doorway as he spotted the garish pumpkin light holder on his nightstand. His heart lurched awkwardly before it started beating way too fast, his pulse thundering in his ears.
“Jay,” Jensen said softly. “Jay, what’s wrong?”
Jared just pointed mutely, biting his lip hard enough to draw blood. They didn’t know, he told himself, couldn’t know; he never told anyone, and that bastard was dead. Jensen was in the room in a heartbeat, removing the candle holder from the nightstand and clutching it hard in his hand. Locking his eyes with Jared he threw it over his head, the sound of it hitting the wall out in the corridor almost deafening.
Jared flinched, swallowing hard, as his eyes traveled the room. Unbidden Jensen looked around, scanning the room for anything out of the ordinary until he came back from the bathroom and shook his head.
“There is nothing more,” he said and Jared finally dared to enter, closing the door behind him.
“I’m sorry,” Jared said, drawing a shaking breath.
“You got nothing to be sorry for,” Jensen said, walking up to Jared and reaching for his arm.
Jared gave it to him willingly, letting his head fall back against the door as Jensen pushed the sleeve up and rubbed his thumb over the lowest scar. It was weird that Jensen was both the reason for most of his discomfort as well as his greatest source of comfort.
In the last few weeks, Jared’s feelings for Jensen had progressed to the point where they made him jumpy and twitchy. He wasn’t used to desire and it made him nervous, throwing him out of his comfort zone. They had all noticed that he wasn’t quite himself, even though no one knew the source of his anxiety, but Jensen had discovered a way to calm him down.
It worked best when Jensen himself did it, but Mike or Tom could do it as well, making any approaching panic attacks slowly subside. Jared instantly and quite unexplainably relaxed when someone who wasn’t him touched his scars, tracing them gently with their fingers until he felt sleepy and calm. He’d felt an inkling of it when first Tom and then Jensen had touched his scars that night in Haven, and it had only gotten more powerful since then.
Jeff said that it was about acceptance that his friends touching his scars made him realize that they accepted him for who he was, perfect or not. Jared thought it to be as good an explanation as any since sometimes his body confused him. He’d breached the subject of his crush with Jeff as well without telling him who it was and the counselor had been nothing but supportive, saying that only Jared himself could know when he was ready to let someone in, but also advising him to take it slow and feel his way. Jared wished Jeff would just tell him what to do instead; he had zero experience of relationships and really didn’t have a clue as how to act.
Jared stayed against the door for a few minutes with Jensen touching him in silence, until the touches went from calming to arousing, at which point Jared pulled his arm away.
“Thanks,” he mumbled, ashamed of his own weakness. Who would ever want a freak like him?
“It was nothing,” Jensen said in a way that almost made Jared believe him.
Jared smiled tightly and moved over to the bed, throwing himself on his back.
“I hate Halloween,” he said to the roof.
Jensen came to sit on the edge of the bed. “Why?” he asked softly.
Jared swallowed, knowing that he should have told his friends about what had happened long ago. He was letting them flail around in the dark, with nothing but vague guesses to go by.
“It all started on Halloween,” he said thickly, refusing to even glance at Jensen. “He… found me… on Halloween.”
Jensen’s hand touched his and Jared forced himself to glance in his direction.
“You don’t have to tell me,” Jensen said softly. “At least not now… tonight.”
Jared swallowed, worrying at his split lower lip with his teeth then he nodded, realizing that maybe Jensen was scared too.
“Do you want me to stay?” Jensen asked.
Jared shook his head quickly.
“It wouldn’t be a bother, Jay,” Jensen said. “I value friendship over parties.”
Jared made a face. “No… I… I think I would rather be alone.”
It was a lie of course, the last thing he wanted was to be alone, but he refused to have Jensen changing his plans over him.
Jensen’s eyes narrowed slightly. “You sure?”
“Yeah,” Jared said, managing a smile. “You go back to the others.”
Jensen hesitated. “Call me if you need anything,” he said. “Promise.”
“Yes, mom,” Jared replied, his smile more real this time. “I’ll call you.”
Jensen gave him a scrutinizing look and Jared sighed.
“I’ll be fine, Jen,” he said. “And if I’m not then I’ll call you. I don’t want you to baby-sit me.” Jensen opened his mouth to say something, but Jared shook his head sternly. “Go back upstairs and have fun at the party. I will be fine. I’m gonna call my real mom ‘cause I know she’s worried too.”
Jensen smiled a little. “Okay,” he said some of the tension disappearing from his face, “If you say so.”
“I do,” Jared said. “Now be gone with you.”
Jensen smiled and turned to leave. “You better lock the door behind me,” he said over his shoulder. “In case someone gets ideas.”
“Okay,” Jared said, dragging himself up from his reclining position on the bed. “I will.”
Once Jensen was gone, Jared dutifully locked the door and rested his head back against it. He knew he really should call his mom but he couldn’t quite bring himself to do it. She would hear the worry in his voice even if he tried to hide it, and she was bound to say something that put his teeth on edge now that his emotions were already frazzled. Of course not calling her would probably mean she called some time later when she just couldn’t take it anymore and that would make for an even more uncomfortable conversation. With a sigh, he reached for his phone and dialed the familiar number.
Chapter Ten
Author: jeyhawk
Pairings/Characters: Jared/Jensen, Michael Rosenbaum, Tom Welling, Jeffrey Dean Morgan and others.
Rating: Overall NC17
Category: Romance, Angst, AU
Word Count: 23 576 (for the entire series)
Summary: Going to college in a new town, far away from home, Jared finds friends and maybe more, but he also realizes that you can't hide your past forever.
Disclaimer: I don't know them, own them or make any money from them. This is just a bunch of inventive lies.
Warnings: Dark themes (rape, abuse, self harm)! All in the past but they inpact the present.
Betas: clex_monkie89, soar38 and mesnica. Thanks ladies! (As you understand with that gaggle of helpful people all remaining mistakes are totally my own).
Notes: This fic introduces emo!Jared, a kid with a bagful of bad memories and loads of issues. *pets him* He showed up in my brain one night and forced me to write down 23 000 words in a little over a week. *g* I wish he'd been around when I did NaNo last year. I would have finished in two weeks. ;0P This story deals with a lot of dark themes, but mostly it's a story about love and you know, Rosenbaum's in it, so it's even funny sometimes. :0) Settling Into Now is finshed, but will be posted in parts to give me time to write the next installment and to give my betas time to beat it into shape.
Chapter specific notes: HAPPY EASTER!This will probably be the last chapter for a week because I'm going out of town and I don't think I'll have access to the internet while I'm gone.
Previous chapters can be found here.
Missing scene set after the end of Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Six weeks later
Jared hated Halloween, hated it with a passion that knew no bounds. His journey to Hell had started on Halloween fittingly enough; he’d been dressed up like a silly skeleton, going to some party with his friends. He’d just turned thirteen, happy and carefree like thirteen year olds should be. The party in itself had turned to a blur of familiar faces in his mind, but he remembered being pissed off about something and going outside to get some fresh air.
His next memory was later; he didn’t know how much later. He’d woken up tied to a dirty bed in a dark room. A sharp chemical taste had been on his tongue and his head had felt thick, like it had been stuffed with something. He hadn’t been afraid then, just confused, his mind still muddled by whatever he’d been sedated with, but he’d known deep down that he was in really big trouble.
“You sure you don’t want to come to the party tonight?” Jensen asked, looking up from where he was stitching together two pieces of cloth for Mike’s costume.
“Yeah,” Jared said tightly, the decorations put up all over the room already freaking him out. This was his safe haven and now they were turning into the stuff of nightmares. He vividly remembered the fake pumpkin that had been on the nightstand, a sick mind’s attempt of putting a scared kid at ease, and the skeleton on the wall that hadn’t been taken down until months later.
“I think I’ll just go downstairs,” he said, biting his lip.
Jensen looked up, concern showing on his face. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” Jared lied, pressing his right thumbnail against his left hand, almost hard enough to break the skin, in an attempt to focus. He regretted not taking his mother up on the offer to come home for a few days, but he’d thought he’d be able to deal better than this.
“I’ll walk you downstairs,” Jensen said, putting his sewing project down.
“You don’t have to coddle me,” Jared said stubbornly.
“And you don’t have to be an idiot,” Jensen countered.
Jared huffed but he didn’t protest. Shamed as he was to admit it, he might actually need Jensen’s company to make it back to his room without freaking out over something. They walked downstairs side by side, Jensen making sure to bump their shoulders every once in a while to remind Jared that he was still there. Jared hated the fact that he needed it, needed Jensen so much, but he didn’t say anything.
His crush on the other man had only deepened over the weeks that had passed since that night in Haven and now it was a constant longing ache. He wanted Jensen with every fiber of his being, yet he was way too scared to act on it, even if he sometimes got the feeling that Jensen might be interested.
They almost ran into Chad who came out of his room dressed in boxers and a pair of clogs. Jared noticed the clogs even though he had his heart in his throat with nervous energy.
“Jay, Jen,” he said by way of greeting before continuing down the corridor with an awkward shuffling kind of walk.
They exchanged a look and Jensen shook his head. “I worry about that boy,” he said.
Jared smiled slightly and nodded, relieved that they were only feet away from his door. He took the last few steps in a brisk stride and pushed the door open, only to stop dead in the doorway as he spotted the garish pumpkin light holder on his nightstand. His heart lurched awkwardly before it started beating way too fast, his pulse thundering in his ears.
“Jay,” Jensen said softly. “Jay, what’s wrong?”
Jared just pointed mutely, biting his lip hard enough to draw blood. They didn’t know, he told himself, couldn’t know; he never told anyone, and that bastard was dead. Jensen was in the room in a heartbeat, removing the candle holder from the nightstand and clutching it hard in his hand. Locking his eyes with Jared he threw it over his head, the sound of it hitting the wall out in the corridor almost deafening.
Jared flinched, swallowing hard, as his eyes traveled the room. Unbidden Jensen looked around, scanning the room for anything out of the ordinary until he came back from the bathroom and shook his head.
“There is nothing more,” he said and Jared finally dared to enter, closing the door behind him.
“I’m sorry,” Jared said, drawing a shaking breath.
“You got nothing to be sorry for,” Jensen said, walking up to Jared and reaching for his arm.
Jared gave it to him willingly, letting his head fall back against the door as Jensen pushed the sleeve up and rubbed his thumb over the lowest scar. It was weird that Jensen was both the reason for most of his discomfort as well as his greatest source of comfort.
In the last few weeks, Jared’s feelings for Jensen had progressed to the point where they made him jumpy and twitchy. He wasn’t used to desire and it made him nervous, throwing him out of his comfort zone. They had all noticed that he wasn’t quite himself, even though no one knew the source of his anxiety, but Jensen had discovered a way to calm him down.
It worked best when Jensen himself did it, but Mike or Tom could do it as well, making any approaching panic attacks slowly subside. Jared instantly and quite unexplainably relaxed when someone who wasn’t him touched his scars, tracing them gently with their fingers until he felt sleepy and calm. He’d felt an inkling of it when first Tom and then Jensen had touched his scars that night in Haven, and it had only gotten more powerful since then.
Jeff said that it was about acceptance that his friends touching his scars made him realize that they accepted him for who he was, perfect or not. Jared thought it to be as good an explanation as any since sometimes his body confused him. He’d breached the subject of his crush with Jeff as well without telling him who it was and the counselor had been nothing but supportive, saying that only Jared himself could know when he was ready to let someone in, but also advising him to take it slow and feel his way. Jared wished Jeff would just tell him what to do instead; he had zero experience of relationships and really didn’t have a clue as how to act.
Jared stayed against the door for a few minutes with Jensen touching him in silence, until the touches went from calming to arousing, at which point Jared pulled his arm away.
“Thanks,” he mumbled, ashamed of his own weakness. Who would ever want a freak like him?
“It was nothing,” Jensen said in a way that almost made Jared believe him.
Jared smiled tightly and moved over to the bed, throwing himself on his back.
“I hate Halloween,” he said to the roof.
Jensen came to sit on the edge of the bed. “Why?” he asked softly.
Jared swallowed, knowing that he should have told his friends about what had happened long ago. He was letting them flail around in the dark, with nothing but vague guesses to go by.
“It all started on Halloween,” he said thickly, refusing to even glance at Jensen. “He… found me… on Halloween.”
Jensen’s hand touched his and Jared forced himself to glance in his direction.
“You don’t have to tell me,” Jensen said softly. “At least not now… tonight.”
Jared swallowed, worrying at his split lower lip with his teeth then he nodded, realizing that maybe Jensen was scared too.
“Do you want me to stay?” Jensen asked.
Jared shook his head quickly.
“It wouldn’t be a bother, Jay,” Jensen said. “I value friendship over parties.”
Jared made a face. “No… I… I think I would rather be alone.”
It was a lie of course, the last thing he wanted was to be alone, but he refused to have Jensen changing his plans over him.
Jensen’s eyes narrowed slightly. “You sure?”
“Yeah,” Jared said, managing a smile. “You go back to the others.”
Jensen hesitated. “Call me if you need anything,” he said. “Promise.”
“Yes, mom,” Jared replied, his smile more real this time. “I’ll call you.”
Jensen gave him a scrutinizing look and Jared sighed.
“I’ll be fine, Jen,” he said. “And if I’m not then I’ll call you. I don’t want you to baby-sit me.” Jensen opened his mouth to say something, but Jared shook his head sternly. “Go back upstairs and have fun at the party. I will be fine. I’m gonna call my real mom ‘cause I know she’s worried too.”
Jensen smiled a little. “Okay,” he said some of the tension disappearing from his face, “If you say so.”
“I do,” Jared said. “Now be gone with you.”
Jensen smiled and turned to leave. “You better lock the door behind me,” he said over his shoulder. “In case someone gets ideas.”
“Okay,” Jared said, dragging himself up from his reclining position on the bed. “I will.”
Once Jensen was gone, Jared dutifully locked the door and rested his head back against it. He knew he really should call his mom but he couldn’t quite bring himself to do it. She would hear the worry in his voice even if he tried to hide it, and she was bound to say something that put his teeth on edge now that his emotions were already frazzled. Of course not calling her would probably mean she called some time later when she just couldn’t take it anymore and that would make for an even more uncomfortable conversation. With a sigh, he reached for his phone and dialed the familiar number.
Chapter Ten