Merlin Fic: And the World You Promised: Chapter Three: You Don't Gain a Single Thing From Misery
Chapter Three: You Don't Gain a Single Thing From Misery
Gwen was not a woman who allowed personal loss to hold her back from anything. In a way, her entire life had been molded from loss, the loss of her mother, father, brother, her best friend, her status, and now…well, she didn’t want to think about what she might have lost now. She had never let the loss take hold of her before and she was not about to start.
She hurried from cot to cot, amazed at how much she knew about binding wounds, at how much the blood and the filth and the pain didn’t bother her. They were dreadful, the results of a battle that had never made sense to her, but their horror held no fear for her when the fighting still hung in the balance. While Arthur was out there somewhere, fighting for his life and her life, and their kingdom.
She took a spare moment to breathe, refocusing her priorities when Leon entered the healing tent.
"My lady, the battle is won. The Saxons are in full retreat, they're heading for the hills. I've dispatched two hundred men to drive our advantage home."
She immediately breathed easier.
"And Arthur?"
The look on Leon’s face said it all.
"We'll keep looking."
"Thank you," she said, briskly, yet with gratitude, and turned away, unable to stand the look of pity on his face.
She wouldn’t think about it. She may not have always been, but she was now Queen, she was just as responsible for the lives of these men as Arthur was and she owed them the battle. She could not fall apart despite the creeping anxiety growing over her very bones as a litany of possible deaths that could befall her husband presented themselves to her.
She continued to work for what felt like hours. Each man she treated was Arthur, their wounds his wounds. His face appeared before her, beaten bloody, parts hacked off, until she wanted to vomit and weep. She worked and worked to the point of exhaustion and when the next man who came to her was Gwaine, his shoulder wrenched out of place, she found she couldn’t hold it in any longer and the tears escaped her.
“Gwen?” he asked, sounding worried. “My lady?”
She realized she was bending over, holding her middle, trying to keep it all inside and not able to. There was a high, gasping sound coming from her mouth and she wished she could vanish.
“I-I-" she said and couldn’t go any further.
“You need rest,” he said, holding her with his good arm and she had a sudden desire to laugh at the absurdity. “Here,” he called out and then warm arms picked her up and laid her somewhere soft.
It was comforting and familiar and smelled like Arthur. She realized she was in their bed, wrapped in the blankets that had cocooned them together only the night before. Someone put something bitter on her tongue and she resisted it as much as she could before a gray fog rolled over her senses and she sunk down into thankful oblivion.
***
When next Gwen woke she was still in her and Arthur’s bed, but it was their bed in Camelot, the ceiling as familiar to her as the one she’d grown up waking to the sight of.
There was a stirring in the outer room and she looked, wanting to find a familiar face, Gaius or Merlin, or, the best of all, Arthur.
“My lady,” said a small voice and Gwen sighed.
“Sarah,” she said, “is all well?”
“Yes, my lady. All the men were returned home safe. Those able to fight are off rounding up stragglers of the Saxons or looking-"
“For the King,” Gwen finished for Sarah, her voice numb to her own ears.
“I’m sorry, my lady,” Sarah said, sounding frightened.
Gwen liked her, she was a good girl, honest, and the daughter of a woman some years older than Gwen, who had been one of her friends before her marriage. Sarah had proved loyal and good at her job and Gwen couldn’t blame her for not being the people Gwen wanted to see the most.
“Will you please help me to dress and send for Sir Leon? I wish to speak with him right away.”
Sarah curtsied and moved to do as she was bid. Gwen went through the repetitive motions of being dressed that were now familiar to her. She’d often been on Sarah’s side of it before, but it was only as the Queen she’d truly understood how necessary it was to have someone else help with the process, everything being much more complex than it looked from the outside.
While Sarah went to summon Leon, Gwen absently picked at some fruit left for her on the table and moved to the window. She could see into the courtyard, everyone moving with haste as people unpacked, moving men and supplies where they needed to be. Blood stained the stones where men lay, their wounds bleeding through their bandages. It was the aftermath of something Gwen had seen too many times, yet hoped never to see again.
She was disgusted with herself, with her weakness. In a way, she knew she could not be blamed, that those loyal to her and Arthur would see love for her husband and not weakness in her breakdown, but she could not afford to ignore those of the court who disapproved of their marriage, those who made her feel unworthy to wear her crown. Especially with Arthur missing.
She had had her moment, lapsing into selfish feeling, but she could not allow it to happen again. She would be as strong and unbendable as the swords she’d once helped her father forge. She would not forget her love for Arthur or her worry for him, but she would use it, use it for something useful.
With that in mind, she turned to face Leon and asked for his report.
Her old friend was hesitant and tactful in his words.
"Three more patrols have returned from the White Mountains, my lady. There is no sign of him."
"He must be somewhere."
"We have spoken to every villager, every man, woman, child, there has been no word."
Gwen quieted the spike of anxiety she felt, looked toward the window, holding her ring, and spoke with the conviction that she felt.
"He is out there."
"We will keep searching."
"He is alive, I know it, I can feel it.” She did not question the link of love she could feel between herself and Arthur. It had been her constant companion since the day they had kissed in her small house. She would never stop believing in it. She would hold to it until someone brought his body to her. Somehow though she'd always known that when it was finally severed, she would feel it. She turned to Leon, her tone all business. “Who else is still unaccounted for?"
"Gaius."
"He's not been seen?"
"Not since the battle."
Gwen stifled that worry as well.
“What of Merlin? Is he back yet?”
“No, my lady.”
She nodded again.
“What’s the status of our men?”
“We have enough knights to guard Camelot should there be an attack. There were many casualties, but until the final count is complete and every man looked after, we cannot be sure of the exact number. There are still five patrols out looking. As of this moment all manpower is needed to either man the walls or help with the wounded.”
“See to it, as I’m sure you have,” she said, her mind quickly calculating. “Don’t send the patrols just returned back out; let them help here where they are needed. But make sure there are at least five patrols looking for Arthur until we’ve found him.”
“Yes, my lady.” Leon turned to go, then came back. “Are you well?” he asked cautiously.
She forced a smile onto her face.
“Yes, Leon. I am sorry if I worried you.”
“You- you hold Camelot,” he said. “The people will follow you. The knights would never follow another outside of Arthur. We will look for him with our last breath, but we need you whole and well. In case…”
“I understand,” she said, touched and a little chastised. “I promise there will be no more fainting spells. I shall rule as befits a…a Queen.”
“I have never doubted it, my lady,” he said, bowing deep and leaving.
Gwen forced herself to sit down and eat all the food left for her by Sarah, and then she went to see what she could do to help and to gather the remnants of her command.
In the evening she met with the members of the council to update them on the progress of the cleanup and the search for Arthur. It was not a good meeting. Most of the members of the council had never supported her as Queen and they were even less enthusiastic about her now that it appeared Arthur was gone. Many of the lords tried to tactfully suggest her abdication and made slurs about the lack of an heir for Arthur's throne.
If now for a kind intervention from Geoffrey, Gwen was sure she would have dissolved into tears over their petty, venomous words. Leon had not been in attendance until late due to his overseeing of the men and the patrols. Upon his arrival the lords had obviously tried better to paint their words with flowery obeisance but Gwen knew Leon had seen through their seeming friendship to their dislike of their Queen. Leon had almost immediately suggested the meeting be adjourned and Gwen was eternally grateful to him.
Upon returning to her room and being undressed by Sarah Gwen had sat on the end of her too empty bed and wept far into the night, finally falling into an exhausted slumber.
***
A day passed and there was still no word from Arthur. Gwen stood at the window overlooking the courtyard, not able to give up hope, even still. Camelot’s men were healing, the list of the dead not as grievous as it could have been. They had all been saved, saved by that sorcerer, the one who had appeared from nowhere to smite the Saxons and ward off the dragon.
The one Gaius had said deserved their gratitude. She could not deny that. Yet there was something about that sorcerer, something she couldn’t put her finger on.
She was distracted from her thoughts when a horse galloped into the courtyard carrying a familiar figure and Gwen rushed to meet him, somehow knowing Gaius carried the news she sought most of all. When they met Gwaine was with him.
"Gaius."
"My lady."
"Tell me," she commanded.
"He's alive."
Gwen’s breath left her body in a sigh of relief and she took a second to feel the joy before Gwaine spoke up.
"Why isn't he with you?"
"He's wounded.” Gaius hesitated. “He wanted me to give you this, my lady."
Gaius held out a ring, a familiar image imprinted on it. Gwen took it in her fingers and it was cold, heavier than it looked. It was not the encouragement she had looked for. To her, it meant Arthur had given up hope, that he was leaving it all to her, that he thought he would never see her again.
"Where is he?" she asked, annoyed at the fear in her voice.
"There is a place where he may be saved. Merlin is taking him there as we speak."
It was but the work of a second to think that, of course, Merlin would be there, helping him, and thank goodness Merlin was safe.
"We must send the knights. Ready as many men as you can," she said, turning to Gwaine.
"No, my lady. Merlin can cope by himself," Gaius said.
"Merlin?"
She had all the faith in the world in Merlin’s loyalty to Arthur, but he was only one man, barely trained.
"You must trust him," Gaius said firmly.
"How can one man be as strong as an army?"
"Morgana's forces are still searching for Arthur. Two men traveling alone stand a much better chance of evading her. Especially if she has no idea where they're heading."
Gaius turned to Gwaine as he spoke and Gwen looked at him strangely.
“Gaius?” Gwaine questioned.
“Gwaine, I’m afraid I have some bad news. While Merlin was away he encountered Morgana and she confirmed to him that Eira was passing information to her. I’m sorry, but she’s a traitor.”
“No,” Gwaine said, recoiling. “That’s not true.”
“I’m sorry,” Gaius said, “but it was she who told Morgana of Arthur’s marching out to meet them.”
“Why would she?” Gwaine asked, looking as if Gaius had dealt him a physical blow.
“I don’t know.”
“Gwaine?” Gwen said, turning to him. “Gwaine, I’m sorry, but you know what I must do.”
Gwaine nodded, his face tight.
“Perhaps this might be turned to our advantage,” Gaius said slowly.
Gwen started to question what he meant and then closed her eyes as understanding hit her.
“Gaius, you are clever,” she said, then put her hand on Gwaine’s arm. “Gwaine, may I ask you to do something for me?”
“Anything,” Gwaine said, his voice raspy.
“Would you be willing to- I hate to ask, but Arthur’s life is at stake if Morgana finds him.”
“You want me to bait her with false information? Well, I’d say it’s my turn to play that particular game.”
“I’m sorry,” Gwen said, not liking the bitter cheer in his voice.
Gwaine gave what sounded like a forced laugh.
“It’s not so unlikely now, is it?” He looked at her face and grimaced. “Enough with the long faces. We’ve a witch to confuse. Where do you want me to send her?”
After much discussion it was decided that Brinived was a good location and Gwaine went off to do his part, Gwen’s heart aching for him.
She had other things to occupy her time, the castle to oversee, the council to placate. By the end of a long meeting wherein she wanted to scream at least three times, she was exhausted. Many of the older men, those who had been around during Uther’s time as ruler were openly opposing her rule, refusing to accept Arthur’s bequeathing his kingdom to her. She had been backed by Leon, Gaius, and Geoffrey, and slowly they’d come around begrudgingly. In the end she’d had to stand there and remind them that she was already the ruler of Camelot by being Queen since there was no heir, and Arthur’s gesture was just that, a gesture. Unless they wanted her to invite Morgana to take the throne, they needed to accept that she was there for good.
When it was over she stood by the window contemplating, needing a moment to herself. So much had happened and she hadn’t had a chance to process yet.
There was something that was bothering her, something about the way Gaius had returned, Merlin’s sudden appearance at Arthur’s side, the way that sorcerer had looked so familiar. He had looked, no, he was, exactly the same as the old man who had admitted to planting poultices that supposedly enchanted her and Arthur.
She had a sudden inspiration and sent for Gaius. While she waited, she thought.
That old man had always bothered her. Far from appearing sinister, he had puzzled her. What good did enchanting Arthur and her do? They were already in love. Had it been blind chance? She would say Morgana had somehow had something to do with his sudden appearance, but Morgana’s scheme had been foiled by the sorcerer showing up.
Almost like he’d meant to get caught, like he’d meant to take the blame off her, and free Arthur from Uther’s suspicion. It was all too neat. She’d always thought so. Even after the disastrous attempt to heal Uther had ended and Arthur’s hatred of the old man was sealed, she had never been able to shake the feeling that Dragoon the Great was somehow there to help them.
And Gaius had a connection to him, that was certain, not only from suggesting him to heal Uther, but from his words at the battle. There was really only one answer that made sense and it shamed her that she’d never put the pieces together before. It was like she was finally opening the door to a room she had always avoided.
Gaius entered the room and approached her.
"You called for me, my lady."
"I want to thank you, Gaius," she said, turning toward him.
"What for?"
"Unmasking Eira. I shall forever be in your debt. And Merlin's. Was it he that found Arthur?"
She was already sure that it was.
"He's a good servant."
Perhaps better than any of them had ever dreamed.
"He's always been there at Arthur's side,” she said leadingly, the light of discovery in her eyes.
"Indeed."
Gaius was a battlement of secrets, always had been, but she was determined to have the truth of this one.
"The sorcerer in the battle, you knew who he was."
"Yes."
"Do I know him?” He hesitated, but she pressed him, it was the only thing that was going to give her any rest. “Please, Gaius, answer me honestly."
"Yes,” Gaius admitted and she breathed a sigh of triumph. “He'll take good care of Arthur."
"Yes, I'm sure he will.” On that, Gwen could have no doubt. There were many questions in her mind, but there was one thing she was certain of and that was Merlin’s loyalty to Arthur. “I'm pleased," she said, trying to convey that.
Gaius bowed and left and she didn’t badger him for more, understanding his need to protect Merlin and not give any more information than was necessary.
There would be time later to ask questions, to explain the past, to feel the sting of not being trusted with his secret. Right now she only had the thought that Arthur was safer than she could have imagined. Merlin would die before he let anything happen to Arthur.
She wondered if Arthur knew now, certainly he hadn’t before, but would Merlin have revealed himself in the battle so openly if he hadn’t meant to tell Arthur? She couldn’t be sure, but she ached at the betrayal she knew Arthur would feel. She knew her husband inside and out and he would not be forgiving. He’d been hurt many times by people he had trusted and Merlin knew that as well as she did, so why had he waited so long to tell Arthur? She could guess why at the beginning, could well imagine the fear she was sure Merlin lived under. Having been put on trial for magic and sentenced to die more times than she could remember, she well knew that terror. And she could understand it. Arthur’s past did not render that ability to him as hers did.
There was also the fact that she had been privy to more of Merlin’s actions than most. While she could not say they had the same bond Merlin and Arthur shared, in a way, she knew Merlin better just as she knew Arthur in a way Merlin couldn’t. There was a freeness among the servants that could never be among the nobility. There were too many times that she and Merlin had had to go behind Arthur’s back where magic was concerned to save him. Yes, she could not say she was surprised, if she was, it was only at how long it had taken her to guess.
Now that the question was answered in her mind she returned to herself, feeling more assured of Arthur’s safety and determined to make it be even more secure. She did not envy the task Gwaine had been given, but hers was just as disagreeable to her. Never before had a person’s life rested on her decision so completely. When Gwen had ordered Sefa’s death she had not meant it, and had only planned to hold the girl’s father until Arthur was there to make the judgment himself. But now Arthur was far away, trusting in her to keep their Kingdom safe, and she would do what she had to.
“For the love of Camelot,” she whispered wryly to herself, feeling in her heart that it was more for the love of Arthur.
But she had a task set before her so she made ready for it with a grim purpose.