a thousand voices in my head, but only one belonged
Author : Me
Rating : PG 13?
Pairing : Jinda with mentions of post akame
Disclaimer : I am not related to the Kitagawa's, not my blood, will or anything else.
Summary : Ueda believes in true love. Jin does not.
“ a thousand voices ring in my head. For once in my life, it is my own”
“Love will never make you cry, Tatsuya. But if you find one that will,” eyes staring straight into his, she continued. “If you find one that will, he will never make you cry.”
The little boy nodded slowly, confusion reflecting in his eyes. Little did he know how those very words would affect his life, how they would haunt him over and over, like a broken musical box, its tune running endlessly, ringing and ringing, until that was the only thing he could hear.
“Ne, Uepi, how do I look?” Making a twirl, Jin looked at his reflection in the mirror, lips curling into a frown. What a vain pot he was. Sighing, Ueda looked the man up and down, eyes stopping at lips. Pouty and full, Jin had always known how to make fans go wild with a slight lick of said lips. Lips that sprouted out lies without wavering.
“What? Why are you staring at me like that? Does it look bad?!” Jin whined, hands moving around, exaggerated. He was always exaggerating, Ueda thought. Hands moving quickly to save the shirt from getting ruined, he reassured the other man, all the while ignoring the pain he felt.
“You look great, Jin. You do. When do you not?” words with a teasing tone.
“Mou… Now you’re just teasing me.” Swatting him lightly, a smile replaced the worried frown.
Shaking his head slightly, Ueda watched as Jin gathered the clothes, walking to the counter. He was always like this, demanding, vain… selfish. Yet, it was only at times like these, when he needed something from you that he’d be so nice, so giving. Most times he was just cold, inhumane. Sometimes, he wondered how Jin had managed to gain so much fame. He was a jerk, insensitive and uncaring. But mostly he wondered how he’d ended up with him, giving in without any hesitation.
Remember, Tatsuya… Remember… Love will never make you cry…
“… and if you find a man that will, he will never make you cry.” He continued silently, eyes glassy, reminiscing the times when he was just a boy. A young boy who knew not of love, of the heartbreak it brought.
Breaking out of his trance, he noticed that his boyfriend was missing. Probably flirting with another woman, he thought. Jin was such a bother at times, his attention easily averted, especially by women. Pretty women with bodies he could never match. Sometimes, he wondered why he couldn’t reject the other’s offers to go out. They’d always go out somewhere, splurging on new outfits and unnecessary objects. And at the end of the day, Jin would drag him home, complaining of tired feet and wanting to sleep. It was an endless routine… an endless cycle that worn him out, he felt. Especially when he had known, about that awful truth he was hiding.
“Jin, where are you? Come on, it’s getting late. We have rehearsals, remember? The live is just two days away. Jin,” walking all over the place, he finally found him staring into a window of a … shop. He hadn’t known there was a place like this. No, not in a place like this.
“See that dress? I wonder how you’d look in it. What’d you think?” There was a glint in Jin’s eyes, he noted. A glint. Things always went wrong when Jin had a glint. Oh, no. They were NOT going back there. Ueda shivered at the memory of the last time when Jin had the same expression.
“No, Jin. I am NOT trying on that dress. And we are NOT going to buy it. I mean it. I really do.” Eyes looking straight, his resolution firm. Oh, God. Jin was giving him the look. Jin’s eyes were round and wide, lips in a full pout, hands tugging at his sides. No, he was not giving in. Not this time.
“I said NO. We’re going home now. I don’t want to screw up our last live, mind you.”
He put down his words, hands dragging the other home. Jin was pouting, he knew. Jin was angry. He’d probably ignore him for the next few days, he thought. But maybe that was for the best. Maybe that was what he needed.
A few days later, Jin was still ignoring him, only speaking to him when needed. It was their last live for July and they were tired. Exhausted, really. Tours had always tired them out with no doubt. Yet tours always brought in most of the cash. They endured. For the money, for themselves, no one knew. But they had endured.
Looking at the schedule, he remembered that it was Jin’s solo. Maybe it was time for a little talk, as much as it wasn’t his fault. Running over to Maru’s, he pulled Maru in for a talk. Both of them walked to the stage, eyes eyeing the crowd’s reaction as Jin walked out. Their eyes met and they walked out behind said man, as if they weren’t disturbing the man.
Shocked, Jin turned around to face them, eyes cold and hard as ice. Jin was angry, still. Picking up the mic, Jin gave them a warning. A warning that was for Ueda, and Ueda only.
“This is my solo,” A code for what-the-fuck-are-you-doing. A code that stood for we-will-talk-later. Still Ueda shrugged off the hurt emitting from his chest. He should have known how hard it would be. He should have known that Jin was a heartbreaker. No, the truth was, he knew. He knew, but he couldn’t stay away. Not when Jin was being sweet, not when Jin had kissed him that way.
After putting on a show, what with taking Jin’s glass and dropping his lemon[Jin had stared at him too hard], he left the stage with Maru. As soon as he reached backstage, his mask broke. He couldn’t hold it in anymore. He was about to tear up…
Sensing his rigidness, Maru placed a hand on his shoulder. Maru was always kind. Kind and warm, just like a fuzzy bear. There was something knowing in his eyes, in his whole being. Warmth that had always comforted him when he was down. But it had only made him more fragile, tears flowing down uncontrollably.
With that, Maru pulled him behind the stairs, hands wrapped around him, their presence unnoticed by the staff. Moments later, a voice spoke up. It was Maru.
“…Whatever he did, you know that he loves you, Uepi. He loves you.” Lies spoken with a straight face. Lies that meant to do good. Shaking his head, he wondered how much Maru had hid under that smile. How much truth, cruel truths he had hidden from them.
“There’s no need to lie to me anymore. I saw him, Maru. I saw him. W-w-with another girl. I saw them…dancing…making out… I saw them…” his voice slowly dying against the loud cheering of the crowd. Maru saw fit to keep the silence between them…
“… how long have you known?” a voice broke out from behind. Heads turned to face the very guy they were speaking of. Jin. “How long?” Words clipped, expressionless.
Hands held protectively around Ueda, Maru growled. Maru never growled, Ueda thought. But Maru had just growled, which meant… which meant that he was really angry. Jin had made Maru angry.
“I was wondering when you would stop, Jin. I was wondering when you would stop cheating on others, playing with people’s feelings, treating them like toys.” Stop? When he would stop? Jin had, he had been cheating for a long time?! “I thought that you would change after Kame’s, I really did. I didn’t want anyone else to get hurt, like Kame did. Did you know how much he suffered after you left?! He almost took his own life! Didn’t you learn?!”
The air was tense, anger and confusion mixing in the air, a spark ready to burst if anyone made a move. Ueda guarded the two men with caution. Jin had lied, that he knew. But… Kame? Him and Kame? Thinking back when Jin had gone away, Kame’s face flashed in his mind. He had looked indifferent, maybe a bit too hardworking, a bit too tired. But there was nothing more. … Why… How… Why didn’t Kame stop him?
“Love will never make you cry, Tatsuya. If you find a man that will, he will never make you cry.”
Jin had made him cry. His mother’s voice rang in his head, as if telling him that it wasn’t untold for. As if he had brought it on his own. Well, maybe he did. He should have known from Kame’s lingering gazes and touches. He should have known.
“… We’re over, Jin. Maybe we were over a long time ago, maybe I was playing a fool… But I know now. We never were.” The two men watched him, one shocked, the other understanding. This was how it should be. This is how it will be, he noted as he walked back to the changing room, where the rest were waiting. As he looked himself in the mirror, he remembered a saying his mother had told him when he was a boy.
“Love will never make you cry, Tatsuya. If you find a man that will, he will never make you cry.”
A/N:
(1) this was meant to be a drabble but turned out wayyy longer than one. for that, i apologize.
(2) also if Ueda is a bit OOC. I just thought he'd be that kinda person
(3) the akame bit is for tomemiprozac
(4) last but not least, comments keep me going =)